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  1. for-those-who-are-feeling-desperate-or-suicidal I'm not suicidal as I have small kids and I could never do this to them and to my husband. But I think of death every day and how nice it would be to get relief from all this:( Is this common in withdrawal and will it go away?
  2. xena81

    Overcoming Suicidal Thoughts

    I was on 50mg of zoloft for 19 months. My psychiatrist got me off the drug so quickly that I have experienced major withdrawals including suicidal thoughts. I have seen darkness that I hope to never see again in August of 2018. I recognized that those dark feelings were not mine and I tried to do whatever it took to overcome it. I have a 10 year old son, he was my main motivation, but sadly he was not enough. As a last straw, I purposely reached out to my financial adviser to check with him if my life insurance covered suicide to either make sure my son would be taken care of financially, or that I was not covered to give me another incentive to fight. I have overcome the feelings. I hope you don't mid, I share the emails I exchanged with my financial adviser. Please fight with every ounce of your being!!! Do not let the drug whisper lies to you. Things will get better. Call suicide hotlines, call/talk to your friends/family, go to the emergency room, but FIGHT!!! As difficult as it is, tell yourself those feelings are not yours, they are not real. I am still battling severe depression, but the dark thoughts are gone. Here below are my emails. I hope some may find this helpful. Aug 30, 2018, 8:29 AM To G Hi, Does my life insurance cover in case of suicide? Please let me know. Thank you. Aug 30, 2018, 9:36 AM to me Hey, I hope all is well. There is a two year contestability clause in the contract. If you commit suicide in the first 2 years they will contest the claim. Is everything OK?. Call me if you need to talk. Best, G Aug 30, 2018, 9:51 AM to G Being completely honest with you. No, I am not ok. I needed to hear that they would contest the claim so that I can have another incentive to keep living in this cruel world. At least that will give me 2 more years fighting for my life, because I got this insurance to protect my little one. Hopefully then, I will be better. Aug 30, 2018, 10:29 AM to me I would go back to therapy so you have someone who can help you work through your feelings. Life can be very hard, at times...but it's a beautiful thing. I can promise you that you will not feel this way forever, you need to keep getting up and keep moving forward. Your son needs you...no one can ever replace you in his life. If you are unhappy with your life, change it...don't end it. You are a beautiful person and ending your life may stop the momentary pain, but it will pass it on to those you love most. This too shall pass and you will be happy again...be strong...don't give up! Stay in touch with me...I'm here if you need to vent.
  3. readyfortheworld

    Introduction from Texas

    Hello everyone, I’m a 25 year old male from Texas. My journey started January 2016, when I experienced a panic attack (that appeared to come out of the blue) on my way to visit my sister while I was riding a bus. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was about to pass out. From that day on, I started to have panic attacks that would last all day for several days. I wasn’t sure what was going on so I asked my mom to take me to the doctor. The doctor said I was having panic attacks and also anxiety. He prescribed me a Mexican medication named Adepsique (I live in a border town and decided to go there since health care is way cheaper there than in the US). I took that medication for around 6 months and started to have suicidal ideation and just felt in a low mood most of the time. I attributed those symptoms to the medication and “tapered” off it fairly quick. Once I was fully off it, I started to have unbearable insomnia/anxiety and wasn’t able to sleep for about two days. I felt like I was going crazy so I asked my mom if she could take me to an actual psychiatrist and she obliged. The psychiatrist prescribed me 10 mg of escitalopram and 2.5 mg of olanzapine. I don’t really feel like it helped that much but I felt better on it. I decided I didn’t want to be on medication for the rest of my life so I decided to start tapering it off. I might’ve tapered too quickly off it but I was just anxious to get off those medications. I don’t really remember how long the taper lasted but I was off both medications by the last week of April 2018. I dealt with several withdrawal symptoms such as suicidal thoughts, anxiety, mild motion sickness, insomnia, irritably, aggression and intrusive thoughts. That lasted most of 2018. Around October of that year, I started dealing with IBS-like symptoms such as stomach pain, frequent gas, constant bowel movements and urgent bowel movements. Most of my other withdrawal symptoms have been reduced but I’m still stuck with the IBS issues to this day. Although I’ve been suffering for these last couple of years, I’ve felt like I’ve grown a lot as a person. I have changed my diet to a whole-foods plant based diet, I exercise daily, and do things I wouldn’t have thought I would do when I was younger. Sorry if this post is too long.
  4. Hi SA, Good to be here. I've been reading some of the stories on here with interest. Kinda makes my problems seem pretty small in comparison to others! I'm more and more horrified by what I'm discovering about discontinuation syndrome. As a postgraduate scientist, I've read a few of the papers associated with SSRI withdrawal and I can't believe how little real information is out there for patients and doctors. I think I've been depressed since I was a teenager, but I was essentially snubbed by psychiatrists at the time (apparently, cutting yourself counts as ‘teenage angst’ in the UK) and didn't get into the mental healthcare system until I was around 25 when I started having really severe panic attacks and anxiety. I'd taken a minor in psychology as an undergrad and, armed with quite a lot of information, was determined not to use drugs unless I felt I really needed to. The anxiety ebbed and flowed, but I generally did OK. After moving to the US for grad school (and embarking on a very long distance relationship), I had a nervous breakdown due to burn out and relationship anxiety at the end of 2013. I moved back home and spiraled further, and eventually my friend took me to the doctor and I decided to try medication, with a lot of skepticism. I tried propranolol (a beta blocker) for about a month or so, which just made me feel ill and didn't really help as a chronic medication. Then I I tried Mirtazipine, which left me with a completely blunted affect, incapable of feeling anything at all and making me too tired to function anyway. I quickly got off that and went on Citalopram, which I tapered up on, through some really horrible side effects (talk about red flags!). I remember the first day when the Citalopram really kicked in because I was hypomanic for about a week. It was like being on MDMA, a drug I had used heavily for about 8 years before. I also lost my sex drive entirely, got restless leg syndrome and started putting on weight. I went back to grad school in 2015 and after an initial period of motivation, and a short period of hypomania (2ish months), I gradually ended up back in a pit of despair and anxiety. I managed to stave off doctors’ attempts to put up my dosage and remained on 20mg until May last year (2016) when I decided to try and taper off as I didn’t feel like the medication was really helping with my symptoms and I’ve been sick of the sexual side effects since I started. I managed to get from 20mg down to 10mg before the withdrawal symptoms got too bad. I now realise that I tapered too rapidly . Either way, I stayed on 10mg deciding grad school wasn’t the time or place to be tapering. Just after that, I decided to Master out of my PhD program and enjoyed a 3-4 month period of hypomania where I felt completely amazing, extremely creative, was eating books and information and felt on top of the world…I even saw a slight return of my sex drive. This came crashing down again in October following another really sudden bout of relationship anxiety. Now I’m done with university, and have been unemployed for a bit, I wanted to get off the meds ASAP so that I could get on with my life. Rookie error! I tapered from 10mg to 5mg in about a month around the end of February with no real issue, but now I’m a complete mess again. I’ve struggled to get beyond 5mg, with bouts of extreme depression, mood swings and suicidal ideation. I’m currently taking 5mg/2.5mg every other day but I’m right on the verge of going back to 5mg for a second time because I’m suffering bad. I’ve been sick as a dog for 2 weeks, I think I do have genuine sinusitis and a terrible head cold, but perhaps the symptoms have been amplified due to the medication? Hard to say really. This past week I’ve had terrible depression, suicidal thoughts, crying spells and violent mood swings. I really feel like everything is crushingly pointless, that I am worthless and hopeless. I feel like my life is falling apart and that I’m going to destroy the remaining good parts because I can’t be around people most of the time, including my long-suffering partner. I feel like a complete burden on everyone. Apologies for the pity party, but this is where I am right now. I hope that this post might help someone else coming off this medication. I’m really stunned at how difficult it has been to get off it and do wonder a lot whether my continuing problems have been due to the medication rather than a continuing mental health problems.
  5. Hi all...... I am new here. Searched google 'how to recover from risperidone' and found this site. I don't know how things work here, but I am sharing my experience. I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar disorder and took the medicine for 3 months. The details of the drugs are in my signature. Its been almost two months since I quit the medicines cold turkey. I am now suffering from withdrawal symptoms. Sexual dysfunction, ie.. no sex drive which is driving me crazy. I watch porn, but not able to get excited now. I am deeply depressed. Suicidal thoughts are coming to me thinking about my life. I have just completed graduation in B.tech in engineering. I was not able to write the final exams well because of memory problems, no interest to study, which was during my medication period. Now i am thinking what I will become in life, I can't function properly as a human being. In the morning I feel like sleeping more. I feel tiredness while trying to become active after waking up. So after breakfast I lay in bed again. In the evenings I will become more active till I sleep. Is this normal? Will I be able to lead my normal life back? If so how much time will it take to recover? Reply please........ I am in need of help.
  6. 2 AM here and for me to risk losing another sleeping night, it says of how much dire my life has become. My real name is Vitor, 23 Y/O, Male and middle-class Brazilian. Ever since the age of 17 I've been suffering from undying stress due to a troublesome relationship, ever since I've contemplated the voyage of the magical healing that psychiatric meds would proportionate, people say with age comes regret for what should have been, mine has arrived with no preemptive sign. Since 2013 I've started my first psychiatric treatment, 10mg of Escitalopram (Exodus, a medication that - so far - is only available national-wide), my mood went from downhill to upwards jolly, my med also diagnosed what could have been ADHD and suggested me to start a parallel treatment with Ritalin LA 20mg (which later was increased to 30mg and much later reduced to 10mg). Past almost a year into the beginning of the treatment, and my doctor saw no use for me to carry on with SSRIs, instructing then to stop aburptly, so far I've exited the road symptomless, or with ones that I couldn't notice at such time, since my troublesome affective relationship went from bad to worst every single day. 2014's dawn and i've lost touch with my girlfriend, the shock basically made me rush into my old med once again, had a terrible reaction that - if not by my current state - would have been the worst time of my life. The experience already made me wary of the dangers underlying such meds. Worst would come when my Health Insurance retracted my membership, on the basis that my monthly automatic payments were not being made due to an error, with no prior warning from any part. Universal Healthcare here is a mess, and when trying to make an appointment, on 2014, I'm still yet to hear any previews from any part. I was basically lost at that point. Forced into Cold Turkey from both meds, which would have been bad, have I not associated with the recent loss of my girlfriend. I can't remember that much about the symptoms. 2015 I've found another psychiatrist who basically reinstated me into both meds, but things started to spiral down from here, on July I've lost my job and had to head out to my parents, with the second "withdrawal" I started to be wary of the first underlying condition: Brain Fogs. I've basically grown and lived in my own imagination, for the first time in my life, trying to visualize thoughts was an out of reach task, something I did naturally taken away from me. I basically gave up on writing and drawing for some time. And after it, symptom after symptom came after me, the bad sinus, the erratic emotional swings, hyperarousal, hyperthermia, akethesia. All except for the Brain Zaps. The constance of intake and withdrawals basically spinned my head, and I can't say whether or not I'm into a dead end. I tried reintroducing Escitalopram probably 2 more times (both 7,5 mg), but the sleepiness was so crippling that I've basically gave up trying. 2016 and here I am, symptoms I've never had any notice until now, my mind totally blank, impossible to sleep with the burning skin and lightheadedness. I don't feel fatigue that much, but I'm panicking almost all of the time. Coming here was a struggle, admiting that I'm sick was a blow to my morale and self-steem, and trying to tell yourself you're fine is the worst. My ability to feel joy have been dulled, but I think I'm slowly turning back to enjoy games, the hardest blow is the brain fog and cognitive impairment, not being able to contextualize and love being imaginative. I've read so many terrifying stories, but at the same time, I think embracing the first community that would accept my phase is absolutely necessary. My family is clueless of my symptoms, so were and are most of my friends, which I've lost so many. I'll definitely miss my 20's, if I ever remember them. Sorry for such sloppy and grieving carthasis, and thank you to anyone who took your time reading.
  7. This is how antidepressants have turned my entire life upside down in the small space of 8 months I fell pregnant with my daughter who is now 15 mnths old. I immediately became depressed showing nearly all signs of depression and was advised by my doctor to go on antidepressants whilst pregnant or I could end up with postnatal depression. I refused as I didn't want any harm to come to my unborn child from any side affects. So I muddled on, then surely enough after a traumatic unplanned caesarean I could not bond with my daughter and was really struggling to just to do the simplest tasks, plus many other symptoms of postnatal depression. 8 months after the birth of my daughter I knew I just couldn't go any further I needed medication. I hated the stigma attached but just couldn't do it any other way. I was put on 50mg sertraline and I felt the effects immediately and thought this was the best thing ever! Woohoo! A few weeks later I was sat in my kitchen and remember having vivid suicidal thoughts about hanging myself, I was not of low mood at all but none the less these thoughts were there I remember having a kind of itching sensation around my neck and the only way I thought I could get rid of the itching was to get the rope put it around my neck and hang myself. HOLY ****! I totally realised what I was thinking and panicked I telephoned my partner and explained what had happened and that I totally understand now how someone could commit suicide, it felt like it was my calling. So, my partner and I did some research on antidepressants which confirmed our suspicions, so I decided to taper off the Sertraline, which I did over a month or so, just lowering the dose slightly each week. Soon after depression hit again. It wasn't all the time but when it hit I was out for a couple of days, bed ridden and just wanted no contact with anyone. I was looking after the kids and my partner worked full time, so as you can imagine this really messed with our lives. My partner was constantly taking time off work, it just wasn't good. I sought help from a hypnotherapist/behavioural therapist rather than go back to the doc because I knew he’d just hand me another prescription and I thought I’d rather be depressed than have suicidal thoughts. Doing this worked in the short term, but I just couldn't kick the depression. So losing all hope and seeing no alternative I went back to the doc and back on the pills. 30mg Paroxetine again and as with the previous medication it worked immediately! Woohoo! Then 2 months down the line I started to feel really weird, foggy in the head, terrible concentration, totally unable to problem solve, multitask or even remember the simplest things. So I went to the doc and explained that I think I am having side effects from the medication and I need some help as I feel like my brain is starting to shut down. He disagreed with me saying it didn't sound like a side effect, upped my dose and sent me to counselling. Two weeks after the dosage was upped the suicidal thoughts crept in and I just decided to end my life that night by taking an overdose of the remaining Paroxetine tablets. I was then hospitalised in a psychiatric ward where the psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar type 2 and agreed that considering my pervious history that the doc should not have upped my meds and they were a direct cause of the suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide. So thanks to the well informed Doc’s prescribing this stuff willy nilly, I could have killed myself twice! Anyway, I stayed in hospital whilst they immediately took me off the Paroxetine and put me on mirtazapine 30mg and Seroquel 50mg. low and behold a few weeks later I am having Bipolar symptoms off the chart. My husband even disputes the Bipolar diagnosis because he says I have shown no previous signs of bi polar UNTIL I was put on the Seroquel and Mirtazipine. In all seriousness my brain is seriously messed up, I absolutely have no idea who I am anymore, I am doing this and conducting myself weirdly in situations that just wouldn’t normally go down. Sorry to be graphic but I just want sex all the time. I constantly feel high, but agitated if I cant do what I want. I feel like I cant stop, The relationship with my small children, I feel is horrible. Pervious to this I was an excellent mum, loving caring, patient. Now I have no patience and rarely want to be around them because I don’t feel a bond and I hate to say it but their voices are like a drilling in my brain. I am just no good for them right now. I hate myself for it, hate who I have become and want me back. I have had no low moods yet, like hopelessness or whatnot, just serious agitation and all the negatives that come with that. I said to my partner I feel like a squashball in a squash court being smacked about the place at high speed with little to no control over where I go and what I do, there’s an errie driving force called Mirtazipine and I want it gone. Saw a psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago who said get of the Seroquel it is really bad stuff. If im not having problems sleeping, which I’m not then ditch it, so I did that immediately with only gastro side effects I think. I cannot remember what normal me feels like any more, I may be having side effects or it could be the quick withdrawal from Paroxatine, who knows. So again off I trot to the doc ( I get a good doc this time Very thorough) and she agrees the medication is making my bipolar 2 worse and we have now made a plan to come off it altogether. Although the original depression may come back L - full circle with no accomplishment only shear devastation.
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