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I am a little over a month into this part of my tapering story, (Celexa-free now) and last week I had a lot of anxiety, which did not come as a surprise to me. I had somatic obsessions, tactile hallucinations, paranoia, and sometimes I wince from the intrusive thoughts or images that come up. My partner has been witnessing moments of this struggle which sparked a discussion. She says it hurts her to see me in pain and she urged me to think more critically about why I am doing what I am doing. When I tried to explain that sometimes withdrawal is just hard and requires patience, she said that I was rationalizing everything and didn't have any plan in place for when I should stop what I was doing or increase dosages again. She feels as if I don't leave enough room for her feelings or take into account how my actions in this process affect our relationship. She does not have personal experience with mental illness or medication which for some reason makes hearing that from her feel even harder. I feel judged in moments, though I really do think this is my own projection, and as a result I am not able to comfortably voice how I feel. I responded to all of this rather defensively. It felt like she wasn't trusting me to know what I need and it also seemed like this process, (which is hard for me already) was burdensome to her somehow. I felt like this is incredibly challenging for me and I need her amazing strength, love, and support right now, more than ever. I care so much about how she feels and this relationship but I want to be in control of this very personal process. She also thinks I am undergoing this journey in hopes of an idealized vision of reality without medication. While I do have hope for what life might be like drug-free, I try really hard to stay grounded and not have too many expectations. Maybe she's right in that regard. I don't know how to create more space for her to have feelings about how I'm feeling. It feels messy. I start dissociating during our conversations and losing time, losing information. She is very sharp and has an amazing memory so I simply cannot compete. We have barely talked in the past two days, we both feel really frustrated. We have both explicitly stated our needs and yet this still does not feel resolved. Neither of us can seem to relax into a willing state of mind until the other does. I feel so angry and I can't tell where it is coming from. Does anyone relate to this? I'm not sure how to move forward? Otto
Nikki posted a topic in Symptoms and self-careJournaling has always been a good tool for me. This morning in one of my daily readers it said 'no matter how preposterous you think a fear might be write it down on paper. Look at it, dissect it and journal towards a possible solution. So I made a list. Fortunately I did have the time to journal and read. It helped a great deal. I get stuck inside my own head. Why I don't know. Is it how I am wired, does it stem from medications, is it an anxiety symptom, is it on-going stress???? I am suggesting this as a way to turn things around in the morning or anytime. Or at least that is how it works for me. I pray for the day when I won't need this tool on a daily basis..... Journaling is a way for me to put things down in an uncensored manner. Problem and then the Solution. Sometimes I make a Gratitude list. Hugs
Article in The Observer (UK), by Denis Campbell Sunday 19 January 2014 Mental health charity Mind warned that the long delays in receiving therapy revealed in a new NHS report could have devastating effects. Fewer than half of the patients who sought NHS help last year for anxiety and depression received any treatment, an official report in the government's "talking therapies" programme reveals. The rest of the article is here: http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jan/19/mental-therapy-waiting-times-concern