Jordan: stopping antidepressants after almost 20 years

[Jordan]

Hi this is my 1st post,

 

As the topic title states I've been off & on antidepressants for almost 20 years. I started taking Prozac when I was around 17 / 18 as I was suffering severe anxiety & depression. The miracle effect this medicine had on me back then was amazing & washed away much of th horrible feeling & worry I had been living with for so long.

But anyone who has taken antidepressants for so long, knows in the long run that this doesn't last and the side effects eventually come to the surface . I have tried stopping so many times and for a period of around 5 years only took them seasonally in the winter as this was when things got most difficult.

A few year ago I switched to Sertaline as the Prozac just didn't seem to work anymore and the side effects (mood swings , emotional numbness) were too much . The side effects seemed to improve but the low mood seemed to stay.

But it wasn't until last November that my problems got so much worse. For one reason or another my doctor changed my medication to Mirtazapine. I can't stress the terrible effect this drug has had in my life. I weened down on the Sertaline and started on 15mg of Mirtazapine a few weeks before Xmas last year. It's hard to put into words the destructive effect this had on my personality . I've never experienced anything like it , the feeling of irritation was unberarable. Depolarisation not feeling like yourself, which was the scariest feeling ever. Somehow I stuck at it for 5 months hoping and praying I would get better and somehow I would finally be cured.

But obviously this wasn't to be and after the experience of Mirtazapine I decided enough was enough . I halved the dosage for a month to 7.5mg and then stopped. I know this Is not recommended but the doctor assured me I'd be fine.

The next month or so was amazing and for the 1st time in so long I felt alive. But it wasn't long until I started to get periods of days or weeks of terrible withdrawal symptoms. The worst social anxiety , racing thoughts , low mood and absolute feelings of impending doom. I do have windows of a few days were everything is fine, but they are far and few between at the moment.

I really don't know we're to turn and can't get around the feeling that my life is over and it's only going to pain

suffering from now on . I feel doomed. It's been over 4 months now . Will I ever get better? Is this really withdrawal? I'm sorry for the rambling post but I'm feeling pretty desperate.

 

If you managed to read this full post ? Thank you.

[tgirl]

Hi Jordan,

I too experienced the same things while on remeron.

 

I am still on remeron 1mg. And trying hard to stabilize.

 

I see you have been off of it for four months.

 

Can you tell me all your symptoms? Are you sleeping?

 

In the meanwhile please look up windows and waves on this site. It will help you to understand what you are going through.

 

Also, can you please fill in your signature, all the medications you have been on, for how long and at what dose. Also, any current meds.

 

A moderator should be on shortly to help you more.

Tgirl

[Jordan]

Hi Tgirl,

 

Yes 4 months & counting. The waves & windows section from the site I actually read before posting. It fairly accurately describes the last 4 months. The sleep issue was certainly a big problem in the beginning but did get better after a month or so. But I still need to go to bed a good hour before I need to sleep & if I make it to bed late the night before work . I could be awake most of the night.

 

But the big problem mainly is the anxiety. I wake early in the morning with what can only be described as pure dread. A complete feeling of impending doom. This can last until the evening. Social situations can be fine one week the next I find myself panicking and wanting to run for the hills. I suffered panic attacks in my late teens and now in social situations I feel like it's about to happen again.

 

What has been your experience with Remeron? I can't help but feel it's damaged me permanently & that I am going to suffer like this forever. Prozac & Sertlaine I could stop seasonally . The side effects could be bad but bare able. Remeron made me feel so awful but at the same time had this weird hold over me were I could never miss a dose .

 

Regards

 

Jordan

[Nomoreheadmeds]

welcome 'Jordan' sorry to hear your having such a bad time of it.

I wish you well

[Jordan]

Cheers Nomoreheadmeds

[tgirl]

Jordan,

I do not think we are damaged permanently.

I think our cns is just sensitized.

 

how old are you now?

 

Did you read others stories here who are also on Remeron? Use the search bar located in the upper right hand corner of the page. Enter Remeron.

 

I don't know is a small reinstatement(that you could reduce later) would be appropriate after 4 months? Ask one of the moderators. Maybe Alto??

 

You jumped from 7.5 to 0, right?

Been off 4 months?

 

My symptoms right now are

Insomnia

Low appetite

Dizziness

Anxiety

Dread

Burning skin

Cortisol

Jaw clenching

Shaking

Jerking

And the list goes on.

 

Read. Daalans and tens story. They are truly inspiring.

 

Let me know if there's anything else you need.

A moderator or Alto should be on soon.

Tgirl

I am not a doctor. These are just my opinions

I am not a doctor

[tgirl]

Also read free spirit! Very inspiring also!

[Jordan]

Thanks again for the quick response,

 

It's sounds like you're going through it also. I'm now 37. I was on 15 mg to start which never really helped. The doctor kept telling me to double the dose . Lasted maybe 2 weeks each time and would go back down to 15mg again as I experienced really scary anxiety and irritation. Why I took them for 5 months I still don't know. I went down to 7.5 mg for a month and then stopped completely, taking 2mg Diazepam in the evening for 28 days. I really don't think reinstating is an option as I could never bring myself to take Mirtazapine again. Some people have really good experience with Remeron but I'm definitely the % that they don't agree with. If anything Mirtazapine have made my anxiety 10 times worse.

 

I'll look into the readings you mentioned , thanks again.

 

Jordan

[freespirit]

Hi Jordan,

 

Welcome to SA. I'm a fellow mirt survivor. Healing is definitely possible from this drug too. I jumped off just over a year ago, but at 3.75 mg..it's been a long, slow process with ups and downs. Things are infinitely better for me than they were last year. At the moment, my main symptoms are muscle and joint pain (usual for me seasonally though), lower energy, and a bit of a dip in mood. But those things were typical for me before WD too.

 

I'm sure one of the mods will check in with you soon. But I wonder whether you're also suffering from taking Diazepam for 28 days. Did you just stop taking it suddenly?

 

I'd encourage you to check out some of the topics in the symptoms and self-care thread: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/forum/8-symptoms-and-self-care/There's a recent one on soothing the senses and also a couple on sleep, and one on non-drug ways to cope with symptoms. Doing small things can make a very huge difference.

[dalsaan]

Hi Jordan

 

Welcome to SA. Quite clearly Mirtazapine didn't agree with you. The fact that you have windows is positive, you have the capacity to heal and I am confident you will. (However it won't come soon enough, it hasn't for any of us!). Patience is a virtue

 

I think recovery is about finding the 100 little things that are right for you. Many do,well on fish oil and magnesium but some don't. I found that magnesium and taurine help with my sleep but it's not for everyone. I recommend you read through the symptoms thread, cautiously try different strategies and listen closely to your body. Although it's difficult I try and be a bit of a dispassionate observer in the healing process rather than investing a lot of emotional energy into what's going on. Focus on putting one foot after the other, gently testing out the stones you are walking on rather than focussing on how you got here or when this will be over.

 

The other members have provided you with very helpful recommendations. If I were you, I wouldn't reinstate. It's a real gamble this far out and I don't think you tolerated mirtazapine too well anyway. Also,you have had good days bad bad days. Your key job is to provide your system with healing conditions which encourage more of the former.

 

Dalsaan

[tgirl]

Hey Jordan,

How are things?

Tgirl

[Jordan]

Hey,

 

Been through a really bad couple of days. I just haven't been able to reply or post as I have been a complete mess. Work has been crazy & broke down in front of my boss Friday morning. Just trying to get through , hopefully there's some relief around the corner.

Thanks for all the messages of support. I'll try & post more when I'm feeling a bit better.

 

Jordan

[Petunia]

Welcome Jordan,

I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling well, I know how difficult withdrawal symptoms can be, I've been going through it for a while too.

 

After reading through your story, I'm also wondering, like freespirit if what you're going through has more to do with the diazepam you took for the month after you quit mirtazapine. It sounds like you were fine after stopping mirtazapine, but you didn't start to get sick until you quit taking diazepam... CT I presume?

 

But obviously this wasn't to be and after the experience of Mirtazapine I decided enough was enough . I halved the dosage for a month to 7.5mg and then stopped. I know this Is not recommended but the doctor assured me I'd be fine.
The next month or so was amazing and for the 1st time in so long I felt alive.

 

I'm wondering if perhaps you are in benzo withdrawal, possibly along with AD withdrawal.

[Jordan]

Hello everyone 

 

I haven’t posted on here in nearly 5 years . I joined this group back in September 2015 when I was going through a really bad time . To cut a long story short I started taking antidepressants when I was late teens , I think 18/19 . I had experienced a panic attack that completely freaked me out & my GP put me on Prozac .

 

   I continued on antidepressants for around twenty years . Going from Prozac to Sertaline . It wasn’t until a friend tried to kill himself that things got really bad & I was changed to Mitrazapine, this was the water shed moment for me. The new drug really messed me up .

   

The side effects threatened everything in my life & I nearly lost my family . At this moment I realised that enough was enough & I was convincined that my depression wasn’t the problem & actually the medication was the issue all along . 

     

  It took around 8 months of hell to get through the withdrawl  & suddenly I felt better than I have my entire adult life . So it’s now been nearly 5 years medication free and everything has been great until Xmas .  

 

    I had been working hard up until the Xmas break as we all do and was quite tired and stressed which is normal  . But over the holidays my younger sister was diagnosed with stage 3 Melonoma , which hit me very hard . To make things worse my wife’s big sister ( who is like a sister to me & godmother to my two kids ) was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer last month . I also had to get a very suspect mole  looked at that caused me unbelievable stress , but thankfully came back ok . 

 

      So this brings me to the present week . I went to the gym as I usually do last Saturday . I had been out the night before with a friend & maybe drank a little too much . I ended having a panic attack a few minutes into my session & ended up hiding in the males toilets polarised by fear unable to leave for 30 mins . This was much like the panic attack I had 20 years ago but not so severe . It is now Thursday & I’ve had the worst week & feel much  like I did when I was withdrawing from the medication . The anxiety & feeling of detachment has been unreal. Is this something anyone can relate to ? Any help would be much appreciated.

 

kind Regards 

 

Jordan 

 

ps sorry for the long rambling post . 

[powerback]

First of all Jordan congrats on your recovery ,its inspiring ,I needed to hear it  myself today so thanks .

Don't let fear overwhelm you .you have been though a lot recently .it all comes down to stress,physically  and emotionally on your system .its a set back and it will take time .in my opinion the heavy night out and the gym was the tipping point after all the stress of your family members health scares .

 

I really wouldn't be doing late nights out ,sleep is the best thing for the body to repair itself. 

The body takes months to build up a breaking point so we can never see it coming .

 

We like to think its all about getting and staying off meds but its much more than that .we need to know when to rest and not push ourselves and nurture ourselves .I recommend going to the symptoms and self care section and using them tools to look after yourself at this time .

Find ways to calm yourself down in a panic attack and practice it.

Story's like yours are very helpful to people in the long term so thanks for your post . 

I sympathise with your panic attack .  

Take care. 

[Jordan]

Thank you powerback for the replay . Can’t tell you how much it means to hear that my story can bring hope to others . I wasted 20 years of my life on antidepressants numb in a complete daze. Every time I tried to get off them I would last a couple of weeks or a month . But I would always end up back at square 1.  I would be convinced  that my condition would never go away .

     

 I know obviously these medications help a lot of people , but never underestimate the power of the withdrawal of these types of medication , especially with longterm use. It takes a long time to get free of them and a lot of strength but I know I’ll never take them again . 

   

 I think I’ve realised this week that I never truly be free of this , but I will take your advise and try and not let fear takeover . Thank you .

 

jordan 

[powerback]

23 minutes ago, Jordan said:

Thank you powerback for the replay . Can’t tell you how much it means to hear that my story can bring hope to others . I wasted 20 years of my life on antidepressants numb in a complete daze. Every time I tried to get off them I would last a couple of weeks or a month . But I would always end up back at square 1.  I would be convinced  that my condition would never go away .

     

 I know obviously these medications help a lot of people , but never underestimate the power of the withdrawal of these types of medication , especially with longterm use. It takes a long time to get free of them and a lot of strength but I know I’ll never take them again . 

   

 I think I’ve realised this week that I never truly be free of this , but I will take your advise and try and not let fear takeover . Thank you .

 

jordan 

Oh your preaching to the choir to me ,I deeply regret ever touching them meds  . they put me in a bubble and when it burst I was left on the ground in a puddle of agony .

IM too long at this already .[last 6 months by far the worst ].ive spent along time  researching the body and I implore others to do so also.

 

2.5 years after my breakdown from meds reduction and working to much  ,I have a lot to look back on and many mistakes .I went from jogging/hiking in early withdrawal to now, were I'm  in fear of my life and bedridden and housebound .

 

This week is a very good reminder for you, listen to your body .its all an accumulation of stress of all kinds .we are not machines and the model of health the western world has us think we can just go out to the shop and get a new part .

The one thing I've done on my down time[plenty of it] is constantly learned about the body and im shocked how I would treat it physically.anyone over doing exercise is probably neglecting there emotional/mental  health ,unconsciously.

 

Get good at saying no to people, a late night out is not worth it ,this is coming from a 4 year sober binge drinker .any friends worth the bother will be there for you ,trust me .a good sleep routine is the best thing you can do for your body .I never take phone calls after 8pm and missus is told to not bother me with Facebook land, I never had an account.

Get journaling your emotions and feelings,it should help.ide batten down the hatches for the next few months .my looking at your 5 years gone ,youl be fine .let us know how you go .

Thanks and take care.

[Jordan]

Thank you for the advice . Wish you all the best in your recovery. Stay strong Powerback . 

[powerback]

25 minutes ago, Jordan said:

Thank you for the advice . Wish you all the best in your recovery. Stay strong Powerback . 

🤝

[Kostas]

8 hours ago, Jordan said:

Hello everyone 

 

I haven’t posted on here in nearly 5 years . I joined this group back in September 2015 when I was going through a really bad time . To cut a long story short I started taking antidepressants when I was late teens , I think 18/19 . I had experienced a panic attack that completely freaked me out & my GP put me on Prozac .

 

   I continued on antidepressants for around twenty years . Going from Prozac to Sertaline . It wasn’t until a friend tried to kill himself that things got really bad & I was changed to Mitrazapine, this was the water shed moment for me. The new drug really messed me up .

   

The side effects threatened everything in my life & I nearly lost my family . At this moment I realised that enough was enough & I was convincined that my depression wasn’t the problem & actually the medication was the issue all along . 

     

  It took around 8 months of hell to get through the withdrawl  & suddenly I felt better than I have my entire adult life . So it’s now been nearly 5 years medication free and everything has been great until Xmas .  

 

    I had been working hard up until the Xmas break as we all do and was quite tired and stressed which is normal  . But over the holidays my younger sister was diagnosed with stage 3 Melonoma , which hit me very hard . To make things worse my wife’s big sister ( who is like a sister to me & godmother to my two kids ) was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer last month . I also had to get a very suspect mole  looked at that caused me unbelievable stress , but thankfully came back ok . 

 

      So this brings me to the present week . I went to the gym as I usually do last Saturday . I had been out the night before with a friend & maybe drank a little too much . I ended having a panic attack a few minutes into my session & ended up hiding in the males toilets polarised by fear unable to leave for 30 mins . This was much like the panic attack I had 20 years ago but not so severe . It is now Thursday & I’ve had the worst week & feel much  like I did when I was withdrawing from the medication . The anxiety & feeling of detachment has been unreal. Is this something anyone can relate to ? Any help would be much appreciated.

 

kind Regards 

 

Jordan 

 

ps sorry for the long rambling post . 

Hi 

Have a look at my posts. I had withdrawal symptoms 4 years after completely coming off my 20  mg citalopram! 

I had to very slowly weening off it, lasting 7 years. For 4 years then I was fine, and then gradually symtoms hit me! Lasted on off about 2 years, and now for 1 year I am fine again. All these 2 years I had the temptation to go back to the drug, but thank God I resisted. 

Give it Time and you will be balanced again! 

Wishing you healing. 

[Jordan]

Will do Kostas . Thank you 

[SkyStreamer]

13 hours ago, Jordan said:

I had been out the night before with a friend & maybe drank a little too much

 

Hi Jordan! 

 

If I were you, I'd avoid alcohol altogether. For me, and many on this site (even those who are drug free), alcohol can be a big trigger for WD(like) symptoms. 

 

I just quit all alcohol a few months ago.

[savinggrace]

Jordan,

 

My humble opinion is that this was a mistake you will recover from.  I look back fondly on the days that I could have a margarita on the beach and think nothing of it.  I know those days are, and have been over for me, for good.  I really think this is a horrible setback, but with five years clean of the drug, don't let the fear take over.   You made a mistake and you are paying.  You will be back to your former self soon.

 

I would not hang around and read too many stories about other people's setbacks.  This too shall pass.  Let that be your mantra.  Our thoughts are powerful.

 

Be well.  Believe.  The worst is behind you.  This is just a blip, and after 5 years, I really don't blame you for testing the waters either.

 

Grace