Orchid1976 journey to recovery

[Orchid1976]

Hi DaddyCee: ) Thank you for encoaragment.

 

I am at 4 month and 1 week off any meds, and still have many rough moments. I still have ways to go.

 

But there is some incredible changesI am noticing and would like to share. I am feeling like I am getting stronger psychologically, there is solid core I am starting to feel. Where weeks ago I felt all mushy and vulnerable inside almost all the time. It helps me to come out of waves faster

( recover).

 

Another wonderful change is I am more and more starting to feel my like my old self, real me, I am gaining my true self identity back. Even I am very emotional at times but I am real. Not numb, not in depersonalization or in derealization state. I think those are the worst symptoms I could not stand. Because they change our self perception and how we perceive the world around.

 

I am feeling more grateful about life, I smile often. There where times I could not smile for a long time....

 

I am so greatful for SA existence. It is helping me to fight this battle, knowing that I am not alone, and I am suffering from chemically induced dreading syndrome. There is the light at the end of the tunnel. Orchid-

[Hopefull]

Hi Orchid1976,

 

Hang in there. You are doing a great job.

Best wishes, Hopefull.

[KarenB]

Orchid, that's really wonderful that you are feeling some of yourself coming back.  That solid-core you talk about - that's you, and it's been there keeping you together through all of this, and now you start to really see it and feel it again - beautiful.  I'm so happy for you. 

 

Love,

KarenB

[Fresh]

Hi Orchid ,    it may be that your symptoms get worse before they get better , and that's the nature of

the condition.  

As DaddyCee wrote , sustained improvement may not begin for another 3 , 6 , 9 months.  Or it may

start sooner.

Don't be alarmed by new symptoms.   It's still "a progress , not a regression" , as you move through

the withdrawal.

 

Best wishes ,  Fresh

[DaddyCee]

Absoutely Fresh..... the mantra "Never Give Up" is one of the things that I always rely on to get me through a bad patch. You will succeed and you will recover it is just a matter of time, and not to put any extra stress on yourself either through work or family life but have plenty of me time and try to (I know this is hard) forget about the symptoms, just let them be and they will diminish in time.

 

The first 6 months when I was in withdrawal I was totally consumed by all the symptoms, feelings and thoughts. Thinking about it today it still brings back scary memories.  Eugh!!

 

Namaste.

 

DC.

[Orchid1976]

Thank you guys, for support. I really appreciate it very much. It is so important to be reminded that all these symptoms will diminish and hopefully will be gone in time.

 

I am being patient, and I know that healing is happening, very slow, but it is happening. I am feeling it, especially after 3 month mark. I am enjoying every good day, every moment of joy, every positive thought. 

 

Enjoying sunshine, blue sky and clouds, extra hours of quality sleep, enjoying being me again. It is priceless, my outlook on life have changed forever. I appreciate every day of my life, enjoying the fact that this horrible

 

 medication is gone out of my system, from my brain. It is no longer has control to make me so sick again, it is no longer going to betray me by creating horrible symptom again. I have to deal with disaster it created in my  

body.  But I am recovering, thank you God. I tell my self often: " Oh, how great it is to be  alive".

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                           Peace, healing and hugs to all of you.

                                                                                                                                                                              Orchid-

[Orchid1976]

Hello, everyone. I started having severe insomnia for about a week now. Sleeping 2-3 hours only. This is completely new and out of nowhere.

 

I have not had no stressful events and have not changed anything in my supplements. I am at 4.5 month with no med.

 

This is new and it scary. Do you guys have any idea what could of triggered it?

 

Thank you in advance.

Orchid.

[DaddyCee]

it could have been anything that triggered this, is doesn't necessarily have to be a stressful event. It will get easier in time, you just need to take care of yourself and try not to worry about sleeping or sleep patterns. I've done loads of that in the past year thanks to my Fitbit device. lol.

 

Namaste.

[Orchid1976]

Thank you, DaddyCee : ) for such a quick response. It's 2:47 am here in California, and I am wide awake.

I will take care of my self, but can't deny that I worry that sleep deprivation will cause more trouble and old symptoms will return....

Oh well, another speed bump.

I need to stay strong and don't loose my " I will overcome anything" that AD did to me attitude.

A lot of times I get tired and week, but will continue moving forward towards brighter days, stronger me. I catch myself often visualizing how wonderful it is going to be: )))

 

Hugs, Peace and Blessings to all of you

 

-" sleepless Orchid" for now, lol

[JanCarol]

Hey Orchid - you're doing great, especially to have done this on your own.  Your bright attitude and self soothing skills will serve you well as you continue this journey.

 

And it is that, a journey.  Sometimes there will be sunny days and sparkling lakes, some days there will be spiders and dark caves and shadows.  It's the nature of withdrawal.

 

Please be aware that over the next few years - anything - someone cutting you off in traffic - bad news - worry - substances (sometimes they are weird, like:  spinach?) - anything can set symptoms off again.  Sometimes, as you have noticed, nothing can set symptoms off again.

 

So far you've been doing a great job of saying:  "It's symptoms."  Please continue this.  It's symptoms.  It's withdrawal.  Even though your body is free of the chemical - the changes the chemical made will still take some time to rattle out and find a steady state.  It's like your brain is learning to be you.  

 

Sometimes the symptoms will be physical, sometimes emotional, sometimes mental.  Just keep remembering:  it's symptoms, and care for yourself - self-soothe, distract, and wait.  Patience, and gentleness to yourself is the surest way to heal.  It just takes time.

 

If you want something to think about while you are awake nights, start here:

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/555-tips-to-help-sleep-so-many-of-us-have-withdrawal-insomnia/

 

It's a terrific sign that you are having such long, open, clear windows.  That's amazing!  Remember the windows - read about them here where you have kindly posted them for yourself to remember.

 

It's also an awesome sign that your symptoms are changing - think of it as construction.  While the walls are wobbly, the plumbing works.  But when the plumbing goes down, the electricity works.  It's like your systems are going through checks and trial runs to make sure everything is working perfectly.   Here's a list of known, documented withdrawal symptoms for you to checklist against - you can even run off copies and keep it in your journal to track your progress:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2390-dr-joseph-glenmullens-withdrawal-symptom-checklist/

 

You're going to be just fine!  I hope you get some rest soon.

[Jlynn]

Just dropping by to offer hugs and support and say how much I love your positive attitude while going through all of this! 

[Orchid1976]

Hi, JanCarol. Thank you so much for warm words of reassurance. You are a blessing : ). It means a lot to me. I am 5 month 1 week med free

 

 I have some good news, insomnia lasted for about a week and now is completely gone. I sleep about 8-9 hours straight. It proves again how WD symptoms fluctuate. Pretty much all of my physical symptoms are gone,

 

 no headache, no body aches, it feels like a miracle. I was able to work out at the gym for the whole hour, weight lifting, just like I used to before WD. I went and hiked in the mountains for 1.5  hours, going up non stop, 

 

not feeling like I am going to collapse or my legs getting rubbery numb, like it was about 2 month ago. As I was going up the mountain higher and higher I thought to myself: " This climb is comparable to a climb from 

 

 WD syndrome, slowly but surely I would gain strength to reach the top, where I would feel healed, strong and confident." It felt great physically and mentally.

 

I still have some anxiety, occasional racing thoughts, palpitations and mild depression, and I am very inpatient, when it come to standing in long lines at the stores. I do not know what with that, but it became my worst 

 

nightmare (especially  with Christmas coming, I need to shop for gifts).       So I still have psychological symptoms that fluctuate in wave and window pattern. But every day I am learning ways how to cope with  

 

 these residual symptoms, developing new coping mechanisms. 

 

 

                                                                                            God Bless all of you. Wishing you healing and peace.  XX -Orchid.

[Orchid1976]

Just dropping by to offer hugs and support and say how much I love your positive attitude while going through all of this! 

Thank you Jlynn, so much, sending hugs and positive Holiday spirit your way. May God Bless you this holiday season. 

                                                                                                                                      XX-Orchid.

[AliG]

Hi Orchid,

 

Congratulations, on 5 months /1 week med free. You sound like a " success story" already.  Maybe you can write your story , in the near future. The symptoms you do still have, sound manageable and who likes to be standing in a queue at any time, particularly when Xmas shopping !  I don't think that is a withdrawal symptom.     I think that is just part of the " joy " of this time of the year !       Maybe you could share some of those " coping mechanisms" , that have helped you. I'm happy for your healing.

 

Ali

[KarenB]

Hi Orchid - beautiful healing news.  You must be so happy.

Karen

x

[Orchid1976]

Hi Ali and Karen ????.

Thank you guys, I am doing well. Hope everything is well with you.

This Holiday season feels so real, the way it supposed to be. Honestly I have not felt this way about Christmas for about 11 years. I felt all those years numb...

This year is so different. I already decorated beautiful real Christmas tree, tall and so lush. Bought almost all presents. In previous years I did a lot of last minute Christmas preparations, it felt like a holiday hustle.

 

Not this Holiday season. I am joyful, grateful, hopeful and so thankful to God for giving me internal Peace.

I have struggled for 1.5 years since Paxil gave up and different meds I took. I know how wonderful it is to feel Peace in my Heart again. So, so greatful. I know it is most likely a long window, but it sure feels good.

I have been going trough " hell" for several month, I did not want to be alive, often... With only support of my boyfriend.

 

Continuing working as a nurse and being able to support myself and my child. Looking back,I don't know how I was doing it... I know how, I was coming to SA forum and read and read, I was gaining my encouragement and Faith, by reading posts here, and getting positive feedback from you guys. So thankful to all of you.

 

I would of not understand what was happening to me, I would of most likely trusted doctors with their multiple brain meds .... I would of thought and believed doctors that I have a chronic depression and e.t.c I am gaining my true self back, I forgot this feeling. It has been 11 years.

Wishing everyone Merry Christmas.

Hugs, Peace and Healing.

Orchid-

[KarenB]

Oh, that is absolutely heart-warming Orchid.  Merry Christmas to you too.

Karen

x

[Orchid1976]

Hello, guys. I would like to write a short update and say hi.

I have been doing good so far, 7 month off med now : ) I have been having clear mind and thinking, my real self, this feeling have been progressing. It is a major improvement for me. Mild physical symptoms like occasional headaches, fatigue and body aches, especially after exsersising. But very bearable and short term in length.

But there is one very significant problem: social anxiety. It seems not get any better but worst. It was my original problem, that is why I agreed to take Paxil years ago.

I need your opinion on it. This anxiety is by far worst than the one I had before Paxil. What do you guys think, how can I fight it? I developed many phobias while going through the horror of WD, how can I break them now?

I still take Mag and Fish Oil, exsersise and strive to keep positive motivation to push forward towards recovery.

Thank you. Orchid.

[KarenB]

Lovely to hear from you Orchid, especially that many things have improved for you.

 

Anxiety - it will be worse due to w/d and, more specifically, due to neuro-emotions.  Sorry if I am repeating things - it's hard to recall what I've said to who!  Basically neuro-emotions are amplifications of our regular emotions.  But we can mostly still deal with them using the usual techniques. 

 

I have found Emotional Freedom Technique to be very helpful, and you can learn it on-line.  Others use Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, guided meditations etc.

 

Building up a range of tools and life-style changes is what helps.  One thing can fail, but a whole nest of things is much stronger.  So even things that are not directly intended to help with anxiety can in fact form part of the weave of a held life.  Things like diet, gentle exercise, yoga, strengthening some close friendships, counseling, meditation, singing, laughing, swimming, bush walks - and so on. 

 

Personally, I withdrew from most social interaction over the last few years.  I figured it was more than I needed right then.  But very gradually over this last year I have increased it in baby-steps, with close friends.  It's okay to choose your pace, and it's okay not to be as social as everyone around you.  The important thing is that you can see where you want to be, and are starting to do the things that will get you there. 

 

So rather than fight it, get along side it and reassure it.  Work with it, see how you can respond to it.  Anxiety is supposed to be a signal to us that things are wrong, and so it's just trying to do it's job.  But due to a very stressful world, and now also due to drugs, it has it's wires crossed a little (or a lot).  It needs help in getting untangled, and back to healthy levels.  Part of that will be time - allowing the effects of the drugs to leave.  And part of that will be building up those tools. 

 

A lasting solution will take time to build up.

 

Hugs,

Karen

[Orchid1976]

Thank you, dear Karen. You are so wonderful. You have picked me up so many times from the darkest places, and you continuing helping so many people. May God bless you.

 

I am definitely working on building that " nest" of new ways, new techniques which will build me up, and slowly but surely I will continue moving towards more healing.

 

I have learned that it's important to enjoy life today, live in the moment despite any symptoms. Now I notice I don't even think about symptoms that often, even if the symptoms start showing up from nowhere, I don't focus on them, and that is how they dissipate quickly.

 

I am starting to feel good most of the time. I have noticed that anxiety brings up the symptoms, but soon as I get anxiety under control, uncomfortable symptoms desapear.

 

I have gained more control over WD symptoms which used to be opposite few month ago. Feeling normal is very common feeling now, and I absolutely enjoy it. It feels great.

 

I had experienced such " hell" for prolonged time, when I look back it gives me shivers.

 

I honestly can feel healing is happening, our brain does have an amazing ability to regenerate. Now I am experiencing it myself. It is important to keep good faith and be very patient. And never give up the fight.

 

Hugs, peace and healing.

Orchid.

[TobinEU]

Thank you,I'll do my best.Rough times,my wife is not really understanding,we had a fight yesterday, so not easy for me.

[Orchid1976]

Hello, my fellow forum members. I would like to say hi : )

I have reached 10 month mark today, being med free.

Things have been getting better, more mental clarity and stability. More consistent mood and emotions, positive and occasionally still negative feelings and symptoms present. I feel like my old pre med self most of the time. I laugh and make silly jokes. My sister tells me: you are back, you are the way you used to be : ) I love to hear that. It gives me confidence and hope.

I do not call off work anymore, I am able to cope better with work stress.

Only major problem is persistent: I can't stand going to the stores. My nervous system gets wired the minute I walk in the store, I start feeling pressure in my neck and head, can't focus. I usually try to pick up groshery fast, pay and leave.

Same thing with going to the restaurants. I simply can't enjoy my food. Agoraphobia is going to be the last symptom to go I hope: ) I used to be such a shopper and loved to dine out, my friends are very puzzled by me this past year ; ) Oh well, only people that went through this WD " journey" will understand...

Another downfall I deal with right now is my health, I have gained a lot of weight, my appetite is back, I am trying to diet and continue to exercise. I had weird feeling like my sugar is elevated or something is going on with my thyroid, went and got labs done. Did not even want to see a doctor, honestly I simply lost all my trust in them... I know it is sounds childish, but this is how I feel right now. I asked my dr over the phone to order labs for me, as a check up and he did. Well, sure enough my sugar is slightly elevated and my thyroid is slightly sluggish... TSH is 4.05.

I know it is an outcome of all the stress, cortisol surges and everything else I went through for the past year or more. My endocrine system simply overworked, exhausted.

I have changed my diet, became more active, taking some natural remedies and have faith I will beat these changes in endocrine system without meds... It will happen overtime, slowly. I am patient, I have learned to be patient more than ever now : )) It felt good to write about all this...

 

Peace and healing to everyone. XX- Orchid.

[KarenB]

Oh Orchid, I am so so so so happy for you.  Your post has put such a smile on my dial .  So many improvements, and Iove what your sister said to you too. 

 

One of our mods knows a lot about thyroid issues etc, I'll see if I can remember who it is. 

 

Congratulations on being 10 months free!

 

Love and Hugs,

Karen

[Orchid1976]

Thank you dear Karen: )) It is a happy time in my life, when I reached more normalcy, stability, positive outlook in my every day life.

There is some struggles, but they are minor compare to how I felt last summer and fall ( I lived in survival mode every day ...).

I hope you are doing well, you are such a wonderful person, I will always remember your warm encouraging words : ))

I want to let everyone know who really struggles right now: HANG ON, HEALING WILL HAPPEN, BE PATIENT AND LOVE AND CARE FOR YOURSELF LIKE NEVER BEFORE. EVENTUALLY YOU WILL FEEL BETTER, IT IS JUST A VERY SLOW PROCESS. STAY STRONG ON YOUR PATH TOWARDS HEALING, HAVE FAITH AND IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. JUST BELIEVE, DON'T GROW WEARY, BE A FIGHTER .

Peace and healing to everyone- XX

[reachingforthestars]

Hi Orchild! 

 

Thank you for sharing your progress!  

 

I was wondering did you experienced anhedonia or emotional anesthesia after CT:ing and especially after reinstating antidepressants? 

 

R