☼ alexjuice: About

[alexjuice]

Still not right after being assaulted by an eye-dropper.

 

Some instances of worst reflux ever, no talking on Thurs after big steak dinner, teariness (improved), overheated sex drive (very frustrating), weakness, more impulsive (i'm deflecting these impulses), losing weight.

 

come on brain, let's do this.

 

Alex

 

ps - Having raised libido (mentally desiring sexual contact) while being unable to have fulfilling sex do to dysfunction is one of the more frustrating experiences I've had recently. Or one of the more recent experiences I've had, frustratingly. Sometimes, I smile.

[Nadia]

The eyedropper assault sounds so frustrating!! I would feel very violated. And then I probably would be really angry, and then more angry because I wouldn't have gotten up the guts to say anything about it (but that's just me...).

 

I wonder, though... was it maybe just water?? And he's a quack doctor thinking he can heal you through a placebo effect? In which case maybe the placebo effect might be having the very opposite effect (especially when calling it "essence of Effexor", and worse because of feeling violated (it makes me angry just thinking about it!)?

 

Something sort of like this happened to me with a naturopath doctor just recently. He gave something called "cordis" to "open my heart".... He also gave me some pills with valerian when I had told him specifically that I'd had a bad reaction to valerian. I can't say for sure if it was cause-effect or if it was coincidence, but I got WAY, WAY worse when I took the drops and the pills. I still am pretty angry about it. I feel like the doctor didn't really take the time to evaluate my specific situation or take seriously what I was telling him. He just dismissed me because of my anxiety. On the way out he told my boyfriend he must have quite a handful with me, too. Ha ha... I would look kindly on that kind of statement if he had not been so... blasé about what I was going through.

 

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon, Alex.

[brighteningup]

I wanted to add my consolation on the eye dropper incident - it's sounds horrible and I hope you recover soon.

 

I also wanted to say how much I enjoy your writing, you've clearly been through a lot, I think you've got a real talent for getting across your experiences in an eloquent and witty way. If you wanted to I think you could make a career out of it when you're ready too.

[alexjuice]

Bright,

 

That is very kind. Thank you.

 

I'm sensitive to my writing b/c I have a hard time with it. There is a decent amount of diversity in the quality of my posts. This is a function of how many proofs i put the post through. I sometimes read a post ten times or more (if it's long) to ferret out most of the errors and poor constructions.

 

If I just posted what I wrote on the first pass, it would not be very good. That's okay though.

 

I am feeling very lonely today so thank you for the kind words.

 

Alex.i

[alexjuice]

The eyedropper assault sounds so frustrating!! I would feel very violated. And then I probably would be really angry, and then more angry because I wouldn't have gotten up the guts to say anything about it (but that's just me...).

 

I wonder, though... was it maybe just water?? And he's a quack doctor thinking he can heal you through a placebo effect? In which case maybe the placebo effect might be having the very opposite effect (especially when calling it "essence of Effexor", and worse because of feeling violated (it makes me angry just thinking about it!)?

 

I honestly don't know. The guy is some sort of guru and people swear by him, supposedly. I don't know.

 

I appreciate your support, Nadia. It was a really terrible experience.

 

Alex

[Nadia]

I have an inherent distrust of "gurus" which has only been reinforced by experience.

[Claudius]

I have an inherent distrust of "gurus" which has only been reinforced by experience.

 

I do not think all "gurus" are bad, I visited two orthomolecular doctors with a good reputation. But they were just not informed about SSRI WD, neither were the talk therapists I went to several times. These people wanted to help me but had no explanation for the bizarre symptoms and did not understand that there is no such thing as "detoxification" from an SSRI. And even I was not able to understand that one can be utterly sick for years bacasuse of NOT taking a medication anymore which you did not need in the first place but your body has become dependent on. This is almost beyond what the rational mind can grab, only we as victims know the truth about that.

What helps for a lot of people is unfotunately useless or even contraproductive for someone in SSRI w/d.

[Nadia]

I guess we would have to define "guru"... but often the experience I have had with the doctors I've been referred to who have a cult-like following or consider themselves to be gurus and have healed tons of people, is that they think they know how to treat everything, whether they have encountered the problem or not. I think if a doctor admits they know nothing about withdrawal syndrome they don't fall into the guru category! What I mean by guru is someone who thinks so highly of themselves and their curing ability that it blinds them to special and difficult cases and to sensitivity of people's particular needs.

[Rhiannon]

Just stopped in to say hi, Alex.

 

Hey, I read what you said about editing your posts--do you think the rest of us don't? well maybe some people don't. My longer posts, I spend as long as I would on a magazine article, sometimes. Except that I don't actually write magazine articles. But still, you get the gist.

 

And I love your writing, and your sense of humor, your buoyancy and intelligence.

[alexjuice]

Nadia & Claud:

I am off my "guru"... he can peddle Effexor water to the next fella.

 

Rhi:

Thanks so much for the kind words. You write so clearly... i feel better that i'm not alone... of course, it'd be best if we just had our old brains back.

 

Speaking of brains... You mentioned somewhere you have a composite IQ of, I forget specifically... but recall it was easily top 5% for US pop. Was your IQ measured recently or are you drawing on an old eval? I ask because I did standardized testing in HS (PSAT, SAT) and then psych eval -- Weschler, MMPI, Rorschach, etc ( 5 yrs later while on v. heavy doses of Drugs) -- and then another round when I was on less drugs but after benzo c/t and still yet another after suicide attempt. So I've got lots of IQ scores or comps. The results have been inconsistent, neither holding nor trending up, in general. Anyway I'm curious about the circumstances of your testing. Do you feel like you're still 'yourself' as far as cognitively capability or do you think you've lost something? For me, it's clear certain abilities are diminished, temporarily or permanently. For instance, it's harder to learn new things, to remember certain kinds of things and to think or act in space; my visuo-spatial abilities are most heavily affected, testing and experience in total agreement here. Be interesting to hear your views on this.

 

Update 8/30:

I've enrolled part time in community college. Dealing with anxiety being in a new environment. The material is foreign to me and technical and it's a mess to remember.

 

I am trying something like SCD/GAPS and made chicken broth yesterday. I also tried Kombucha (GT's Ginger) which really helped my reflux but may have increased agitation, so I've staying away from that for now. Broth, broth, broth... i'll update on how it goes.

 

I restarted an old therapy group I had once belonged to. I was a regular member from 2002 - 2009. Sadly, this group is not proving beneficial. I'm not well understood and my condition is not recognized. I don't plan to continue.

 

Finally, (WARNING: obvious a'coming) withdrawal is a really hard to thing to deal with. People do not believe me and I don't have much support. Because my family of origin has never been emotionally supportive, I've leaned on therapists and psychiatrists (to my detriment) in the past. However, this group of people is invested in disbelieving in the existence of my condition so are not able to offer much help. It's lonely out here.

 

Hope everyone is feeling well today.

 

Cheers,

 

Alex.i

[Nadia]

Good to hear you're fighting the fight with diet and classes!

 

Not being believed about your condition is so frustrating. What kind of support group doesn't provide support??

[Altostrata]

alex, give yourself time. You may meet friends at school.

[alexjuice]

Update 9/3:

 

Been a bit tough at school. I fatigue and simply can not pay attention for back-to-back classes. So I dropped a class. I haven't really made friends, but you never know. There may be some prospects... I'm adjusting to the JUCO environment.

 

I've been trying (stress trying) to eat a la GAPS/SCD. I've had negative reactions to the broth, particularly the beef broth. I got a headache, angry, and lost feeling in parts of my body. Also, I get unproductively energetic (grandiose? impulsive?) followed by exhaustion. The broth may be too nutrient-rich for me right now...?

 

Example: Today I visited an old haunt (not a pure as snow establishment) and bought a bottle of water and a shot of vodka. Mixed the vodka and water and drank about half of it. I nursed it for a while, but half was plenty. I hadn't drank alcohol in more than a year, so that streak is busted. I'm not sure why I decided to run off to a bar. I also applied online for a job; I'm not ready to work the job so that was pointless. I feel stir-crazy in other ways. I want to make new friends. Make money. Get out there and get going! All of this strikes me as probably not a positive sign. I am going to be more gentle over the next few days about my diet. Ease into it a bit slower.

 

Good news: My reflux is generally improving. I was worse two weeks ago. I can speak with modification for most of the day, though with pain at times.

 

Bad news: Being out and about reminds me that I'm broke, isolated and dependent, things easier forgotten when I'm at home on the computer.

 

Alex.i

[Altostrata]

Looks like something about the diet helped the reflux.

 

Maybe you went to the bar because you are longing for your "normal" life?

 

How about more online entrepreneurship, alex? You have a talent for that.

[Rhiannon]

Kombucha has caffeine and sugar, so it might be too stimulating. It's interesting about the beef broth. But chicken is okay? Whatever works! I'm glad the reflux is settling down.

 

I was thinking three classes might be a bit of a chunk to bite off at this point.

 

I've been wanting at some point to talk to you about your age and the meds you've taken and the things you've experienced. At your age, your brain was still developing and myelinating during the time you were taking those meds. This isn't an easy process under the best of conditions (which is why adolescence is such a rocky time). We have NO science on how psych meds affect this process, although frankly I have my personal ideas, which are that it can't possibly be good. The good thing is that you're now healing and you're still so young that you have a lot of plasticity. But be aware that your brain's probably not just healing, but also doing some catching up with normal development. Maybe that will help you be a bit more patient with yourself.

 

In response to "Speaking of brains... You mentioned somewhere you have a composite IQ of, I forget specifically... but recall it was easily top 5% for US pop. Was your IQ measured recently or are you drawing on an old eval? I ask because I did standardized testing in HS (PSAT, SAT) and then psych eval -- Weschler, MMPI, Rorschach, etc ( 5 yrs later while on v. heavy doses of Drugs) -- and then another round when I was on less drugs but after benzo c/t and still yet another after suicide attempt. So I've got lots of IQ scores or comps. The results have been inconsistent, neither holding nor trending up, in general. Anyway I'm curious about the circumstances of your testing. Do you feel like you're still 'yourself' as far as cognitively capability or do you think you've lost something? For me, it's clear certain abilities are diminished, temporarily or permanently. For instance, it's harder to learn new things, to remember certain kinds of things and to think or act in space; my visuo-spatial abilities are most heavily affected, testing and experience in total agreement here. Be interesting to hear your views on this."

 

My test results are definitely from before the psych meds. Top 2% as a child and teenager and young adult. (I recently joined Mensa based on my SAT scores from high school.) Now? I'm so cognitively compromised that I doubt I'd score much above the 25th percentile.

 

But it's not consistent. I still have the ability to see patterns in complex data and to grasp complex subjects holographically. I still have the ability to "see" things--patterns, insights, whatever you call it--that seem obvious to me but are obscure to most people. I still get jokes fast and start laughing a second or two before other people do. I still seem to have a natural talent for scientific thinking and insight.

 

But I don't have the constant quick mental sharpness I used to enjoy. Mostly foggy and vague a lot of the time. My memory still sucks. I'm clumsy. My attention and concentration are never even 50% what they used to be, and sometimes I'm so vague and foggy I can hardly function. (This is complicated by the fact that I have multiple chemical sensitivity which causes "brain fog" when I'm exposed to certain volatile organics, which unfortunately I am at my job.)

 

My focus and memory were devastated by the Neurontin, and those symptoms have improved as I've gotten down to such a small dosage, but benzos are known to cause cognitive dysfunction and amnesia, and Lamictal has that reputation as well--so hopefully there will be more improvement as I ease down off of those.

 

My creativity is almost gone, I rarely get a window of the kind of creative impulse that used to be something I could count on all the time. I'm really hoping that comes back--I miss my imagination so much!

 

And motivation. I miss that too. I just don't feel much like doing much of anything most of the time, not even cleaning my house, let alone taking on anything exciting and new and challenging.

 

I don't know if I'll ever get back to where I was; that was so many years ago and my brain would have changed by now due to normal aging. And frankly, although I know it's not popular for people to say this, I personally, given what I'm learning about brains, doubt that after 20 years on psych meds mine, at my age, will ever be able to return completely to normal. But I'd be happy with a lot less than what I used to have. I don't really need it now anyway, I'm not going to be studying physics any time soon. It's another loss that I'm grieving, along with all the rest.

 

But you're so much younger and at your age your genes are still geared for a growing, developing brain. I think there's a good chance you'll eventually reach all or almost all of your intellectual potential, particularly given how sharp you are right now, while still on benzos. (You'll probably find getting off those will clear up your cognition a lot--they're notorious stupid pills.)

 

I actually think, believe it or not, that your future is quite promising and exciting, given some more healing time. (And you know me. I don't give the good news unless I actually believe it.)

 

You've still got the usual stuff to go through at your age, of figuring out who the heck you are and learning what really matters to you. Plus you've got so much grieving and processing to do from what you've been through, plus your brain is healing and growing, plus you still eventually need to taper off the benzos. I'm not going to sugar coat the challenges ahead. You may be 30 before you really get the chance to sink your teeth into life. But once you do, I think you're going to have a really satisfying, interesting, fulfilling, rich life. You've got the courage and intelligence and sense of humor that it takes. With what you've been through, you'll also have compassion (way more important to quality of life than brains, believe me) and spiritual strength and depth and insight. It may not be easy, but it's going to be worth it.

 

Well, that was the long answer to your questions, wasn't it? That's me--never use just a few words when many more will suffice.

 

:-)

[Altostrata]

Rhi, if people who've lost part of their brains can recover and have satisfying lives, I'm sure your brain will figure out some way to rewire and revive!

[Rhiannon]

Rhi, if people who've lost part of their brains can recover and have satisfying lives, I'm sure your brain will figure out some way to rewire and revive!

 

And that's Alto--just the right words. Thank you.

[alexjuice]

Alto & Rhi,

 

Don't have time to respond fully right now, but I do have time to say... You guys are the best!

[alexjuice]

update:

 

I restarted diet (SCD/GAPS) and I still overreact to the broths. I've backed off and now take one cup of broth (chicken only) with two cups of water. I tolerate this better. Still get headaches, hot, impulsive, increased libido, energy, confusion.... But reflux is improving. I'm going to stick with a half-measure diet for now, weak broth and not total compliance. We will see how things go. Eventually, I hope I will tolerate the full diet.

 

I'm considering reducing my Valium, though still keeping a static benzo level. I'll have to do this very cautiously.

 

I feel like a mouse chasing my tale. (or whatever) I am involved in a lot more stuff lately. School, a CBT group, a meetup.com group, socializing. But it feels like a lot of activity without achievement. Having a hard time meeting people that I have much in common with who would also have openness to understanding my experience. So much diversity in the world. I wonder how anyone finds anyone they'd want to marry...

 

Finally, taking entire benzo dose in the AM now. Theory that valium at PM potentially contributing to weak tension in esophageal sphincter. I think this is making difference. I've had three nights of noticeable improvement in acidity in mouth on waking.

 

Hard to focus today. I am refocusing on doing, doing, doing... not thinking, thinking, thinking. Not succeeding by normal standards. It feels like the days drift by and away.

 

Alex

 

... the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never die. (h/t b. shrum)

[alexjuice]

Looks like something about the diet helped the reflux.

 

Maybe you went to the bar because you are longing for your "normal" life?

 

How about more online entrepreneurship, alex? You have a talent for that.

 

Point #1: True so far, we'll see how much better things get. (I'm not fully on the diet yet.) I'm afraid to get hopeful... but I confess I'm really hopeful.

 

Point #2: True, I think. Though, obviously, I do want to build a life with a new 'normal' more normal than the old 'normal' which wasn't sufficiently normal. :-)

 

Point #3: Yea, someday, I hope to work on some projects. Focus and mental stamina is not up to snuff for that right now. I expect it will get better with time.

 

Thanks for the feedback, Alto. Hope you are doing well today.

[Altostrata]

Thank you, Alex, I'm doing okay. Got to get out for some sun and fresh air!

[alexjuice]

Kombucha has caffeine and sugar, so it might be too stimulating. It's interesting about the beef broth. But chicken is okay? Whatever works! I'm glad the reflux is settling down.

 

All the broths are a bit much. Chicken is the least difficult but I still must dilute it with filtered water. Gradually I'll get entirely 'on the diet'...

 

At your age, your brain was still developing and myelinating during the time you were taking those meds. This isn't an easy process under the best of conditions (which is why adolescence is such a rocky time). We have NO science on how psych meds affect this process, although frankly I have my personal ideas, which are that it can't possibly be good. The good thing is that you're now healing and you're still so young that you have a lot of plasticity. But be aware that your brain's probably not just healing, but also doing some catching up with normal development. Maybe that will help you be a bit more patient with yourself.

 

It does help. I am still having my problems, but have improved much over the last 6 months. I actually have some gratitude. I started ADs at 18, a barrage of crap at 19 ... [sh!tstorm]... then tapered somewhat rapidly at 31. I am 32 today. So my brain might have years and decades to respond to the wreckage wrought in my 20s.

 

I wonder what I can do to help the process? I am trying new things, experimenting or thinking of experiments all the time. I am trying to expose myself to as much healthy, balanced crap as possible. New social interactions, brain games, eating right, walking, forcing myself to "do things" rather than think about things.... I'm hoping to add more interesting activity-- right now I am only comfortable walking.

 

I don't know how else to 'help' the process, but it should agreeable to guidance if my understanding of the premise is sound. Of course, I'm not a neuroscientist... However, I believe in gradualism in my case so changes/additions are slow and planned.

 

My test results are definitely from before the psych meds. Top 2% as a child and teenager and young adult. (I recently joined Mensa based on my SAT scores from high school.) Now? I'm so cognitively compromised that I doubt I'd score much above the 25th percentile.

 

But it's not consistent. I still have the ability to see patterns in complex data and to grasp complex subjects holographically. I still have the ability to "see" things--patterns, insights, whatever you call it--that seem obvious to me but are obscure to most people. I still get jokes fast and start laughing a second or two before other people do. I still seem to have a natural talent for scientific thinking and insight.

 

But I don't have the constant quick mental sharpness I used to enjoy. Mostly foggy and vague a lot of the time. My memory still sucks. I'm clumsy. My attention and concentration are never even 50% what they used to be, and sometimes I'm so vague and foggy I can hardly function. (This is complicated by the fact that I have multiple chemical sensitivity which causes "brain fog" when I'm exposed to certain volatile organics, which unfortunately I am at my job.)

 

...

 

I don't know if I'll ever get back to where I was; that was so many years ago and my brain would have changed by now due to normal aging. And frankly, although I know it's not popular for people to say this, I personally, given what I'm learning about brains, doubt that after 20 years on psych meds mine, at my age, will ever be able to return completely to normal. But I'd be happy with a lot less than what I used to have. I don't really need it now anyway, I'm not going to be studying physics any time soon. It's another loss that I'm grieving, along with all the rest.

 

I think there's no way you're not in the top quartile. No way. Even if testing said you were 'Ms 109 IQ' (you're not) the result wouldn't be useful. Comprehensive tests (those that give you a composite IQ) aren't designed for situations like ours. Though you've lost some, you've retained countless pieces of your very superior cognitive abilities. You're still cognitively elite, just in fewer ways. But this remaining cunning lets you compensate for your deficiencies in clever ways that no 'Ms IQ 109' would conceive. In fact, since you've had to adjust, certain of your abilities may be greater today than in your, otherwise, intellectual prime. (Many postulate a similar hypothesis relating to S Hawking... as he couldn't write anything down he had to compensate by problem solving geometrically, entirely within his mind and, of course, often without notes or reference papers. Repetition developed these tools, tools never developed by his able-bodied colleagues, such that I've heard physicists say Hawking has the most uniquely specialized problem solving abilities of anyone working in hard science...)

 

Also, this seems a good time to mention one of the rude lessons Alex learned in college: I should never be surprised how well I look (even when it seems to be I shouldn't look all that great) thanks to the remarkably consistent underperformance of the other humans living on this planet...

 

Mensa doesn't take SATs from my year, but I looked at the past cutoffs and I wouldn't have made it even if they did (adjusting for the SAT recenter in 95), though I was really close, +97th%... makes me wonder if I applied myself, maybe I coulda become a psychiatrist... I hear the pay is good and the customers tend to be cusomters for life :-(

 

...

 

I have some of the same issues cognitively and advantages and disadvantages. Specifically, I am also good at anticipation, pattern recognition and generally seeing correlations that others seem oblivious to. My problem is that I am only keen on the things I was experienced in before my benzo c/t. Investing, human interaction, anticipating adjustments during political campaigns and sporting events -- My intuition/insight is strong in these areas. But new stuff is much harder to learn, internalize and then draw from in novel ways. I'm a slow learner for now.

 

Anyway, I also have the problems with memory. More than anything, except memory, my cog probs come in two boxes. One, I can't maintain focus like I once could. Two, my ability to visualize is shot. This is the area where I've lost the most from Drug abuse (and drug abuse). I can't tie a tie for instance. I never learned when I was younger and attempts to learn have ended in giveup once I reach an embarrassment threshold after certain no. of attempts. My brain watches the guy (my dad, brother, friend) but can't interpret his motions and make my hands do them. It's like I don't understand how to tell my brain to "Do that." ... I have a handful of pre-tied ties in the closet which I slip on and slip up the knot whenever occasion calls for a tie. I can give other examples as well. Visualizing mechanical machinations, graphs, curves, etc -- I can't do what I once could.

 

....

 

I can't say for sure if you'll get back to 'normal'... I don't know, couldn't prove it to you. But I believe you can and will. Maybe not the precise normal that was you in high school, but a new normal that's more or less equally useful. I believe this for two reasons: it's good to believe it (like a Pascal's wager for grown ups); also, you still take cog fogging meds. After completing the taper, after a period of w/d, you'll get a bounce. No matter age, within reason, if you're still using your faculties, you'll get a bounce... This seems most likely. One day you'll feel like your old self for the first time in a long time -- that will be a good day.

 

I actually think, believe it or not, that your future is quite promising and exciting, given some more healing time. (And you know me. I don't give the good news unless I actually believe it.)

 

Thanks. I have my hopes.

 

We'll see how the chips fall, but I like the challenge before me. I think I win no matter, and that helps... :-)

 

Alex

[Altostrata]

Alex, I'm so glad to hear you're trying new things and maybe even getting some satisfaction from social interaction. I believe this does wonders for re-training brains. And perhaps you will get the emotional nurturance you've been missing, too.

 

I've found my ability to visualize did improve over time, and memory, too.

 

Also good to hear you can see improvement over the last 6 months!

[Nadia]

Hey Alex,

 

How are you doing on the diet? How about school, are you still taking a class?

[alexjuice]

Hey Nadia - thanks for asking, here's a quick update.

 

I've been easing into the diet for over a month. I really react to foods so it's been killing me. Also, every week or so I completely fall off the diet and give in to sugar cravings. I am doing more of a SCD because of less emphasis on fats. One problem I've developed in all of this is pain under right ribs and in right back which doc believes represents some inflammation or dysfunction of the gallbladder. I'm not sure what to do about that but eating fatty foods, GAPS recommends a lot of animal fat as well as stuff like coconut oil, makes it worse.

 

Anybody have any gallbladder problems?? I dunno. Tired of my busted middle...

 

Whatever I eat, I feel it in my head. I've missed 2 weeks of school (4 days consecutive) and have had some bad days. My head is lost in space.

 

Pain affects my entire innards. Everything from my collar bone to my thighs hurts at some point throughout the day. Though this pain is not severe prolly indicative of whatever inflammation I'm dealing with...

 

I am trying some Betaine HCL.

 

I also am going to the big sweaty city south of my location to see a neurogastroenteroligst on the 17th of Oct. I expect nothing useful will come of this meeting but it has been recommended and I have nothing to lose but time.

 

Alex

[alexjuice]

One other thing:

 

I really hate my hypersensitivity. My responses to stuff are too much. I've been drifting mentally - neuro-rage, neuro-panic, - and all I've really done is add homemade broth to my diet or try to address a symptom with a supplement.

 

When I get loopy on supplements I know it's not understood. I fear it undermines my argument as it looks like, "Boy, he needs to go back on his meds, he can't even make it to class and is riddled with anxiety and weepiness."

 

My brain is all fugged up. I hate it. Mad.

[Baxter]

Alex, if the broths give you problems, perhaps you could chill the broth and remove some of the fat from the surface as well as diluting it? If your gallbladder is bothering you, more animal fat is not the way to go...If you skim the broth, you'll still be getting some nutritional support.

 

I know that GAPS has really helped some people, but at this point, it may be too extreme for you. Your courage and will to heal continue to impress me!

[alexjuice]

Alex, if the broths give you problems, perhaps you could chill the broth and remove some of the fat from the surface as well as diluting it? If your gallbladder is bothering you, more animal fat is not the way to go...If you skim the broth, you'll still be getting some nutritional support.

 

Yea, Baxter, I've been doing that. I do a couple passes (including after chilling) to get as much of the fat as possible. I think this helps.

 

About three weeks ago, I decided to commit to the diet. I bought some more books (The GAPS Guide and an SCD ebook), joined the Yahoo groups for both diets and even bought some utensils and a slow cooker. I attempted the full diet and things didn't go well.

 

Since then... I've been mentally, emotionally, cognitively and physically unstable. Days are just drifting by. I'm eating without a plan and living the same way.

 

I need to get back to my mentality (and mental stability) of 3 weeks ago. Right now: adrift, brain fogged up, stomach stopped up, sleep screwed up, sexual function ditto... I could use some normalcy. Normality, I guess.

 

Thanks for the kind words, also.

 

Alex

[Nadia]

Hey Nadia - thanks for asking, here's a quick update.

 

I've been easing into the diet for over a month. I really react to foods so it's been killing me. Also, every week or so I completely fall off the diet and give in to sugar cravings. I am doing more of a SCD because of less emphasis on fats. One problem I've developed in all of this is pain under right ribs and in right back which doc believes represents some inflammation or dysfunction of the gallbladder. I'm not sure what to do about that but eating fatty foods, GAPS recommends a lot of animal fat as well as stuff like coconut oil, makes it worse.

 

Anybody have any gallbladder problems?? I dunno. Tired of my busted middle...

 

Oh my god!! I had the same thing!! A pain under my right ribs. I couldn't figure out what it was. It started to fade after being on the diet for over a month, but I don't know if it would have gone away entirely since I haven't been on the diet now for the past month... it was just too hard to stick to it being away from home.

 

This is all so hard to figure out! My stomach is a mess now, but for some things I feel I was doing better on the diet and for others I feel I am better off of it. I lost the 5 extra pounds I gained on the diet, for one, which makes me feel better. And I'm not so hungry all the time. I was going nuts on the diet with intense sugar cravings (though I just ate fruit when that happened). But now that I'm eating carbs I have sores in my mouth, like I've got some kind of imbalance going on there, and my digestion is no good, and I have heartburn. Lately my plan is to reduce carbs as much as possible, but not entirely, and eat a lot of yoghurt and kefir and that sort of thing to get my intestinal flora in the right place. Then at other moments I think I should give the diet more of a chance, that obviously I'm going to go through a rocky period as my body adapts. Another thing that worries me is this sweet smell my hands have since I started eating carbs again. It's so frustrating not to have any clear answers.

 

I wonder if the pain has to do with our bodies having to digest fats and proteins only... I wonder if one way to "fix" this is to eat a lot more vegetables, but still stay away from the more difficult starches like wheat and potatoes. I've noticed I do OK with some rice, but that bread and potatoes and sugar are especially bad. Maybe it's all about finding the right balance. Not eating too much of any one thing.

[Altostrata]

What organ is under the right ribs?

[alexjuice]

In the right, center abdomen, just below (south of) the right rib cage sits the gallbladder. Of course, the liver is close to the gallbladder but it's mostly behind the ribcage.

 

My gp is a good doc who I've known for years and he's seen me go through hell this year. He's seen it from the beginning to now and through intermediate/current stages and therefore he shows genuine concern, bafflement of course, but concern.

 

Last month he examined the area where I have discomfort, upper right abdomen beneath the ribs. He said we'd need to 'keep an eye on the gallbladder'. If the pain keeps up or gets worse, he suggests an ultrasound to look for sludge or significant gallstones. Certain meals seem to make the pain worse -- particularly fatty meals -- while drinking a lot of water seems to help (?).

 

I also learned that rapid weight loss increases the risk of gallstone formation. I lost almost 40 lbs in 8 weeks this past spring so that was not happy news.

 

Though, hopefully, I'm just inflamed and having more weird W/D stuff... But my diet has been all fugged up for weeks.

 

I need to find someone with an answer about my digestive probs cuz I'm in the dark without a flashlight and may end up making things worse trying to make things better. I see a new gastro doc on the 17th so maybe something will come of that. I'm also waiting on some labs to come back so maybe they'll tell me something. (????)

 

 

Alex.i

[alexjuice]

I wonder if the pain has to do with our bodies having to digest fats and proteins only... I wonder if one way to "fix" this is to eat a lot more vegetables, but still stay away from the more difficult starches like wheat and potatoes. I've noticed I do OK with some rice, but that bread and potatoes and sugar are especially bad. Maybe it's all about finding the right balance. Not eating too much of any one thing.

 

That's as good a theory as I've heard. I have had a lot of problems on the diet. I committed to the broths, eggs, hamburger patties etc about second week in septemeber. After a few days I lost it. Besides pain, I was having crazy sugar cravings and I gave in. The sugary or carby foods then affected my mood. I was feeling poorly. I kept eating junk, telling myself 'last time, promise.'

 

I then would try to stop but basically repeat the cycle. My mind is not in a good place.

 

The junk food has even got me thinking of street stimulants for the first time in years. I went from really elevated libido and energy to lethargy as I switched from SCD eating to junk food. I've had, actually, a lot of the symptoms I had on lexapro. I can't fall asleep and once I do I can't get out of bed. I am tired for a couple hrs after waking. I crave sweets. I have much more sexual dysfunction. I can't concentrate. I am more impulsive, particularly about the food. I'm surprised I am not having alcohol cravings, otherwise I'd think someone is slipping lexapro into the drinking water...

 

Anyway, this is why I've been thinking so poorly, and been drifting. I don't feel like myself. But it's not an easy solution. Just eat good...eat how? I try to eat balanced and healthy and I can't digest it. I eat SCD/GAPS and get sick. I boomerang onto fast food and salads and cake and get still sicker...

 

Spinning, twirling, who knows. Brain an omelet.

 

But, I think your theory is good. I want to restart SCD and try to eat more veggies and skim a lot more fat and see how it goes.

 

I can't believe the last time I felt okay physically was 1997.

 

How are you Nadia??

 

Alex

[Nadia]

I'm actually doing fairly well, despite the digestive troubles. I'm sleeping better... last night I slept about 7 hours straight and then had only very tolerable anxiety this morning. I'm not sure how it is all related, because my stress level at work is about the same.

 

About the pain... I looked at my notes and it seems I had a pain right under my ribs on my right side even before starting SCD, when I had amoebas. But the pain then kind of changed when I did the diet and seemed to move closer to my abdomen, and it seemed related to walking, almost like a charlie horse. My boyfriend, who has variably been diagnosed with everything from celiac disease to ulcerative colitis, frequently has a pain under his right rib cage. I don't know if he's had his gall bladder checked. It's no wonder why doctors dismiss all this... they don't now what to make of it either! That's great you have a doctor who actually shows some concern.

 

As for the cravings... one of the things about SCD is that it is a pretty radical change. I've read a lot that you suffer intense carb cravings when you begin a low carb diet, because your whole body, including "bad" gut bacteria, is asking for them. But that it's like an addiction... it doesn't mean you need it, it means you have to hold out. I don't know... I held out for almost two months, and the cravings did reduce, but did not go away entirely. And then I went overboard on, not junk food exactly, but definitely sugar, bread, pasta, etc. And that's what I'm paying for now. It makes sense to ease into the diet, though, so as not to give your system a shock.

 

From everything I've read I'm thinking I do need to eat fats to help my mood and cognitive ability, but not overdo it because I do seem to have a hard time digesting them. I think eating lots of fatty fish is a good idea... I don't think I have as much trouble digesting fish. And I've decided to stay away from concentrated, distilled fish oils. I'm taking wild salmon oil now.... supposedly you need less of it when it is not distilled. It makes sense to me that the way it is present in nature is how you should consume it.

 

Another weird thing... I don't know if it's related or not, but when I went off the diet my libido sky-rocketed, in a really crazy way. But that could be because I was away from home and less depressed, and it could also be hormonal changes. I think the acne I have is also related to my menstrual cycle... I think I have other things going on besides withdrawal.

 

Things I still believe have helped me a ton and which I will continue to do:

1. Exercise every morning, even intensely, but keep it under 45 minutes.

2. Eat lots of fish and vegetables.

3. Take natural fish oils.

4. Take magnesium.

5. Take melatonin (this I would like to quit eventually because I worry about long term effects).

6. Meditate/breathe deep/be mindful/try to find my center (even if it's just checking in with myself mentally once a day).

7. Not worry if I go through rough patches... just keep going.

8. Keep busy and trust that life will provide what I need to get well if I do my part.

9. Don't ruminate about every little reaction I have to every stimulus... just kind of make note of it and then ignore it (otherwise even something as simple as putting on lotion can send me into a panic attack... this actually happened to me with a lotion that has menthol in it... the cooling sensation was so similar to the "anxiety burning waves" I get that it triggered them. But I just kept using the lotion and just made a mental note of the reaction and then ignored it, and now it's gone!)

 

Anyway... I really hope you find the right balance. I know what you mean about "overactivated"... I seem to swing wildly between depressed and a bit manic... with these intense cravings for all sorts of things... food, sex, human interaction, stimuli... I am trying to find the right balance for all of it. I want just enough stimulation to keep me interested and feeling alive, but not so much that it throws my whole balance off. I certainly don't want to go back to the "deadness" I had the past few years. I realize I'm learning how to live again, allowing myself desires I had blocked off... and this is "dangerous" business. It certainly means being vulnerable to a whole lot of things. I'm hoping through trial and error and constantly checking in and trying to find my "inner wisdom" to find the right path.

[alexjuice]

Thanks Nadia for a really interesting post. There's a lot there so I'll come back to it when I have more time to post.

 

I've decided to try a month long dietary challenge, basically no sweets at all, otherwise a lot of SCD and see how it goes. I intend to get more scientific because I am realizing the impact anything/everything has on my functioning. Improvement is needed in my tracking via logs and journals. I've uncovered some strong correlations and still more will be found if I can hold the dedication to the keeping of meticulous records.

 

This is all easier said than done.

 

The cells advising my CEO cells on decisions have agendas at odds with my interest now and then. My adviser cells have been acting irregularly for a long while now. Sometimes my adviser cells lobby that I should have sex (and soon), other times that I need to stay alert (and tense), others that I need to eat a cake (with whipped cream). It's tough because my CEO cells, injured and dealing from weakness, are susceptible to the cockamamie schemes advocated by the advisers.

 

I should fire all my advisers, but how? The only way I can think to do this involves traveling back in time and manipulating my genetic code when I was in mother's womb to produce advisers of a different disposition, especially towards psych meds. Implementing a time-traveling, genome-altering plan of this sort this will, I betcha, exceed my current resources.

 

Alex.i

[Altostrata]

Interesting impulses, Alex. I wouldn't fire the advisers, I'd expect them to learn how to work together after a while. It sounds like your nervous system is healing.

 

But you're right, you need to have discipline to figure out your regimen. What strong correlations have you found?

 

Also, sounds like the Effexor withdrawal symptoms have lessened quite a bit. How are you doing now with them?

[alexjuice]

Interesting impulses, Alex. I wouldn't fire the advisers, I'd expect them to learn how to work together after a while. It sounds like your nervous system is healing.

 

There have been those impulses and others. Things are definitely changing, moving back towards healthy. I tend to swing a lot, from the extremes. With libido and sexual function this is most noticeable but also most troubling, I suppose.

 

But you're right, you need to have discipline to figure out your regimen. What strong correlations have you found?

 

Foods, alto. There are a number of direct links I've been uncovering as I've manipulated my diet. Cheap sugar, fructose/glucose in liquid form for instance, causes erectile failure, mentla alertness and other effects. More complex sugars cause weakness, lethargy, lack of mental stamina, decreased libido but these effects set on less rapidly. Animal part broths bring more impulsivity, especially amped libido. Playing with SCD/GAPs has provided a lot of info about specific foods.

 

Also, sounds like the Effexor withdrawal symptoms have lessened quite a bit. How are you doing now with them?

 

I am doing quite well overall (relatively). I think my forays into the dietary lab have helped. I am doing better with relfux, sensitivity, anxiety. But there is still a sorting out going on. Mental functioning still stinks. Sleep isn't good. Trend is showing improvement, though it's a little choppy that trend line. It can never be easy, yes?

 

I go through periods of improved sexual ability and then I'll fall back. The worst thing, as I think I've alluded to, is the massive increase in libido coupled with my interest in experimentation and the 'normalization' of certain behaviors due to my very impulsive past. I don't want to overstate this or give the wrong idea, but I've been a bit careless and impulsive in dealing with urges, though I haven't done anything particularly heinous. Still, I don't like the overwhelming states of mind I've experienced lately (and I really wish I was in a romantic relationship). Impulsiveness is terrifying for me. I also have some old pathways that drive craving for addictive behavior and I can find myself tempted to use drugs, be reckless, whatever.

 

The mind is a complicated beast. My mind remembers well things I want to forget.

 

But overall it has been getting better. I intend to try an SCD-type diet for 30 days because, even in bursts, it's having positive effects. I just need to be careful.

 

Finally, I am finding a lot of my anxiety is turning into anger. I get anxious about X but don't dwell on X so much as before. Anxiety gives to anger that I have this anxiety about X that is ridiculous, that is a result of my Drugging, that doesn't represent who I am, that is a fearful scenario only because of some of my past actions that I did under the influence of Drugs which I never should have been on in the first place... I've lost too much time to get anxious anymore. I'm done paying the price.

 

I'm getting better.

 

Someday, I'll laugh last.

 

Im glad for your continued support...

 

Alex.i