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nick1990: citalopram crap

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KarenB

Absolutely - one incident isn't enough to make a pattern.  I wasn't meaning to imply that - more that we've just gotta do what we've gotta do.  In this case it means the small updose and then stabilising.  In the future you should again be able to taper as usual. 

 

It could have been a combo of many things - previous w/d, external stresses, small reduction, - any number of planets colliding.

 

Generally, you've been doing really well, so I'd continue to see that as your pattern.

 

Karen

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nick1990

KarenB . I am so grateful for you and the support you give me. Thank you . I will continue to take the 0.047 as before and wait to stabilize. Im not rushing anything now. My life - even on drugs is still great. I haven't many side effects, so that I am thankful for. I was striving toward being drug freee asap but really, at the end of the day, what is the rush for me. I just hope this updose helps. Hugs to you Karen.

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nick1990

One more thing. How long usually would it take to see improvement after an up dose so sooon after symptoms appear? As you know -last time I waited 3 month's till updosing. Thanks, Nick

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nick1990

So scAred right now 7/10 anxiety. Pettrified really I don't want to go through another 6 months of this guys

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KarenB

I would say that it should start to improve within a few days.  It will not be another 6 months of feeling like this.  But I know why you're thinking that - I also tend to think that whatever I'm feeling will be like that forever. 

 

I think of it as 'I'm Doomed Syndrome.'  Side-effects include snow-balling i.e. not only do I have w/d, but I might also develop cancer and be eaten by a shark. 

 

Nick I can't remember if you live with anybody?  Is there someone you can sit with right now, and kind of plug into their groundedness?  They would need to be a trusted friend.  A good movie you can watch?  A guided meditation?  This is short-term, so you just need something to get you past this hump. 

 

And we are all here, we know what is happening for you. 

((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

Karen

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LexAnger

So sorry Nick! Not much to think of to help with the suffering, but want you know you are not alone. I had the worst needling pain allover with true killing power entire day, hard to believe it didn't kill me. Let's hope all the suffering will tide off giving a moment of breath.

 

Try some yoga or meditation. It helps with my pain a bit.

Hanging on, believe it will pass.

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nick1990

Thank you both your responses are so key to me during this time. I live with friends. But my mum and dad and brothers live ten minutes away so im there now, crying to mum. It really is that doomed feeling Karen. Its all too familiar to me, like a crisis type situation. I know it will pass though. I was feeling so good. I look forward to that feeling returning soon. I will do the things that you both suggested to get over this little speed bump. At least the weather's nice haha .

Hugs to you both .

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nick1990

And im sorry for your suffering Lex. I hope it too eases for you soon :)

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LexAnger

Thank you for your kind words!

I saw lots members here from Australia dealing with lexapro WD. This is the most potent ssir so far and can't believe you were put on 60 mg at age 14. A pure crime as ssir in general is not approved for teenagers and 20 mg is the heights dose!

 

Be careful about increasing dose! Lots people got biggest hit by dose increase.

 

Sending a big hug to you!

Lex

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nick1990

Im not actually on Lexapro. I take citalopram which is Celexa. Similar meds but very different in terms of dose etc. it is really bad that I got put on such a dose at such an age, but it seems pretty common for people in NZ to be prescribed Celexa, especially in the 40mg range. But it isnt the same as 40mg Lexapro. Oh I wait for the day that im on a low dose and then none !

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LexAnger

Oh my mistake! Citalopram is half the potency as Lexapro. Much better even The two are in the same family.

 

My biggest lessoon, take every effort NOT to sensitize your system then the journey can be much much much smoother.

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nick1990

Id say thats my biggest lesson so far too Lex. Morning after update. 12 hour sleep. Its 1pm. I took the cit at 830 and so far I havent felt too shabby. Bit exhausted but not much anxiety. Be interesting to see if I remain like this throughout the day. Cheers, Nick

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nick1990

Still really rattled by the whole experience! It makes me feel as if I cant get off this stuff. And if I try I cant do it safely. Im really holding on tight to what you said KarenB about being to taper as per usual in the future. I feel that although my symptoms had settled my CNS had not had sufficient time to re-establish its roots? Is that a good analogy? I want to do a multi year taper, not a multi decade taper, without my life being rattled to the core and losing everything I hold close to my heart in the process..

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KarenB

It's a good analogy.  It links in well with Rhi's explanation of brain healing.  One of the mod's signatures notes how they 'once held for 6 months to good effect.'  Can't remember who, but I find that very encouraging.

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nick1990

Yes ive seen that too Karen. Thinking back to it now , I had a pretty nasty depression hit me 2 1/2 weeks ago. So it had only been 2 weeks since my last SIGNIFICANT WD symptom when I decided to rattle my system .. Oh hindsight.... anyway - speaking with mum we came to the conclusion to hold for a really good ammount of time from now. Like maybe 4-5 months. I know that if I really let my system settle , then I should be able to avoid such suffering. And that way I will get off this sh*t heaps faster. Any thoughts on that ?

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KarenB

I think that sometimes us mums are really onto it ;).  It sounds like a good plan.  Stability is everything.  And I recall you encouraging me lately with my decision to hold for a few months.  Sounds like some perspective is returning with your updose. 

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nick1990

Mums are awesome :) your right I think stability is everything - I think it is the KEY to successfully tapering. Yes its quite a change to how I felt yesterday. Still feel a bit of instability in myself but nothing like I was yesterday. Thanks for your support during my little panic episode . Thanks soo much Karen. Big hugs.

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nick1990

Wave again today :( not really anxiety as such more depression .. prob 5/10 .. I know its just a wave but its still horrid. I was sooo close to feeling back to normal last week as well.. its such a gutting feeling .- do you guys think that it should be a matter of days/ weeks till I improve?

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LexAnger

It is hourly for me after being highly sensitized and no pattern at all for week, day etc.

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nick1990

Whoa this is so disappointing.. was feeling good yesterday . Like way better. Now I have this anxiety coming.back again. Its pretty intense too. Im scared again jesus I cant handle this

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LexAnger

Sorry about the negative impact. It doesn't happen to everyone np only the ones super sensitized.

The positive effect of knowing how bottomless it could be and how others ended with unreliable level of disability is, 1) I am more mentally prepared when getting there myself, and 2) I have been super careful approaching every step.

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nick1990

Yeh that wave passed quite quickly but that was full blown 9/10 panic. My body feels shattered now. Because it was so.intense im.worried ive set off a full.protracted withdrawal - help me please im so worried

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LexAnger

I am so sorry! I had one of those at early stage of tapering, horrible.

 

Can you try to lying down complete flat with all body parts as relaxed as possible, close eyes, deep breath?

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nick1990

Ok the wave has eased but still feeling bit of lower arm tingling. Still cant believe this - do you still think that ill start improving soon Karen?

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KarenB

I do Nick.  This is a temporary thing.  I can't put a time-frame on it - too many variables - but considering you'd been doing quite well and it was only a small reduction, your CNS should stabilise sooner rather than later. 

 

This is why we recommend to people here to make small adjustments - cause you can get back to 'normal' again quicker if something goes wrong.

 

I know it's scary when you're in it, and so much harder to keep perspective.  But it will come round again.  Are you still doing your self-care stuff - omega 3s, drinking water, epsom salts in a foot-bath (since it's too hot for a real bath)?  How bout visiting your mum again? 

 

(((((((((((Hugs))))))))))  (((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))

 

(Two hugs this time, for good measure)

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nick1990

Thank you Karen :) Im feeling almost back to normal now. Its madness! phewWw what a day! I spent the day with mum. Which i needed! i cried a lot.. i made mum cry. I feel so bad - but i know that she feels even worse to see me go through all of this - after all as i was under 18 when i went on i know she feels responsible for it. But she is not . It is the Docs fault and pharma's fault. I hate to go through this but I'm doing it for her! and for me of coarse haha.. I Love my Mum so much . Anyway - going out with some friends for a bit this evening - outdoor movies i believe. I know that I should be clear in terms of anxiety for the rest of today at least . Drinking lots of water all day. Not much of an appetite .lay in the sun , with the dog and cat and took some magnesium. 

Cant wait to feel good again :)

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nick1990

Journal update. Its monday evening and I have had no SIGNIFICANT WD today. . Day 1 had bad anxiety , day 2 no WD , day 3 moderate anxiety/depression quick panic attack, day 4 no WD.

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nick1990

Day 5 - minimal anxiety -'some slight derealisation.

 

I got to ask.. cause ive been wondering -it seems that even during the worst of my wd 6 months ago - I never really had many physical symptoms. Like I could function normally. Run, surf, read, socialise, listen to loud music. Never had a brain.zap or dizziness. Never had insomnia. The symptoms are all emotional in.nature. anxiety and depression every now and then. Plus some derealisation. Does anyone know why this might be? It seems most cases of wd start with physical symptoms and then transform into worse emotional ones? Correct me if im wrong of course.

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Petunia

Everyone's pattern of symptoms is different Nick. I've heard of every combination since I've been a member here. With some its all physical, some all emotional. Some get both at the same time, with others they cycle back and forth, there really are no predictable patterns.

 

It sounds like you are starting to stabilize now, days without withdrawal symptoms sound good :)

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nick1990

Ok thanks Petunia :) yeh had day 6 with no real anxiety. Feeling a bit down about everything though. I guess my main concern now and question is that I feel like I may not ever get off these meds. And I can't help but doubt that with each reduction im going to be crippled. And its only because of that tiny drop last week that nailed me... it just filled my mind with doubt. im sorry to keep bugging but this is the way I am. I always have been .. if I sit now and wait for some months till I have true stability and then do a conservative brassmonkey slide method, maybe adding in.a couple of extra weeks here and there, do you think.I.could get off these things while.maintaining a reasonable quality of life?

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AliG

Hi Nick.  I can understand that you're a bit down about this process, but  it seems like you are doing positive things to hasten your recovery , and generally seeing improvement. Try not to let your doubts " swamp" you .There is every reason to believe, that if you hold until you're stable and then take it slow with your tapering that you will be in the best position to deal with this, in a very positive way. The whole point of tapering, is to be able to come off the drug in such a way as to remain whole and fully functioning :  so as to minimize withdrawal symptoms , and still enjoy a high quality of life along the way . It seems that you are doing this.  I think , if you listen to your body, before you make cuts , you should be fine.  As in, don't drop until you're feeling good, and relatively symptom - free.  I think, if you follow this protocol, you will be successful, in the long term . It might take longer than you originally thought, though. However, once you're through this, you  will be able to stay drug- free and informed, at a young age. You will be ahead of the game.

Ali

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nick1990

Thank you Ali. Thank you so much. You don't know how much those words meen to me. I dont mind if it takes time. I have plenty of it :D much Healing and Aroha to you Ali. (Maori - meaning 'Love')

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nick1990

Hey all.

 

Been 8 days now since the anxiety hit with intensity. Glad to say im almost back to normal. Still a few lingering symptoms but im going to hold here for a bit to let things really settle and then begin my taper :)

 

One thing which im finding really difficult AGAIN ( Been going on for YEARS) is my guilt/shamefullness/depression/anxiety over childhood event. It seems that after i have a crash from dropping too much/too fast, the panic/anx fades but immediately following - this horrible feeling pops up. It is a real battle to try and convince myself that i can let this go. I have been to CBT which is helping but after these WD "Crashes" , no amount of CBT or mindfulness seem to work. Once i feel stable again though i can thing more clearly and apply techniques of mindfullness and CBT and they work!!  Every time ive had WD, after the INTENSE symptoms fade i get this. Its exhausting. I feel as if i am battling my self and my brain to fight this negative feeling. I sit on dreaded google and view others opinions of what happened and its a mixed bag of making me feel encouraged and sad. Im really hoping with this slow taper i should be relatively symptom free and this negative all consuming anxious mindset doesnt rear its head. It is tiring .

 

Thanks for your time guys and girls. 

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nick1990

Nearly 2 weeks since my crash .things improved pretty significantly. Feeling pretty spaced out but thats improving too I feel. Today ive been hit with a bit of depression. Not too bad but not nice - really over all this negative crap. waiting to really stabilize. Have been sitting around doing not much for the last 10 days. All my freinds are back at work now and its hard just being by myself during this time. I start a new job on Monday at a cafe - a cool, bustling little cafe with young people. Looking forward to it. Trying to plan out the rest of the year . Im thinking about possibility moving back to the gold coast for 3 or 4 months - good weather and waves plus lots of young people. Being a single male in nz,with alot of my close freinds overseas it all just feels too much . My family is here,which I needed during the BAD wd crash but nz is quiet. Beautiful but slow and quiet. I dont like winter either. Its a dilemma. The only thing holding me back is fear. I want to be able to taper while in Australia, but I don't want to be stuck in a foreign country away from my support network (other than this site) and having WD. I know that Ali made it clear that I should be able to taper while leading a whole, functional life. What are your guys opinions?

 

Thanks a million :)

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KarenB

Maybe you could knock on the door of the Aussie thread and get tips and things sorted before you even went?  They seem like pretty nice people ;)

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nick1990

Yeh they 'seem' pretty nice I guess :D

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