Sampo: I want to be me again after Sertraline!

[Sampo]

Hi!

 

I have read this forum many times and finally I decide to create own account. I understand english well but I'm not good english speaker or writer. So this is my story:

 

I had very bad depression for many years. Finally my condition was so severe in November 2009 that I went to psychiatrist. He put me on Sertraline. Unfornately he didn't told me anything about side effects or risks what SSRI drugs might cause. First time in my life I got panic attacks when my dose was 100 mg. So the psychiatrist sayed that I must douple the dose. After that I felt little maniac sometimes but usually my mood was pretty good. After few months I lowered the dose slowly and finally it was 100 mg for many years.

 

First time I decided stop taking Sertraline in September 2013 because I felt like my emotions had blunted a little. For example I didn't cry when my cat died and that was odd because naturally I am very sensitive guy. I also thought that I couldn't live my whole life with Sertraline. I had lowered the dose slowly and before I quit it was 25 mg. At the begining everything went good but after few months I noticed that I'm not interested in sex anymore. I didn't realized yet that it was caused by SSRI because I got prostate problems at the same time. So unfornately I started to take same pills again in april 2014. My new dose was 50 mg and after few months I changed it slowly to 25 mg. On summer 2014 my prostate problems were gone but my sex drive was still bad. So I started find information from net and finally I thought that maybe the use of Sertraline might have changed my sex drive. So I found information about PSSD. At the same time I met a new girl and I got little of my sex drive back but when I quit Sertraline again in November PSSD kicked in totally. It was very hard to me and I decided to end my new realtionship with that girl.

 

In February 2015 I noticed that my mind was turned very anhedonic. I couldn't feel music anymore same way as before even if I'm guitar player. It's maybe the hardest thing to me. I lost the way to feel pleasure at all. I also lost the feel of hunger for many months but I get it back about six months later.

 

 

So I wrote this very quickly. I'm going to give you more information about my condition later when I have more time to write.

Edited March 19, 2017 by scallywag
tags

[KarenB]

Welcome Sampo,

 

I'm glad you've been reading on this site - you'll find some good tools to help you get through this and heal.  Don't be worried about your english - it's more than good enough for us to understand.  Good on you for noticing how sertraline was hurting your life, and deciding to do something about it. 

 

If you fill out a signature with your tapering history and how much you are taking now, the mods will be able to help you better.

 

And you will get to be you again, Sampo.  It takes time, but you're already on a healing path, and you'll continue to heal.

 

Wishing you peace,

Karen 

[Petunia]

Welcome to the forum Sampo, thank you for joining and for sharing your story so far, I'm sorry to hear about everything you have been through. When did you last take Sertraline? What dose did you stop from the last time? If you fill in your signature with your drug and withdrawal history, that would be helpful.

 

I agree with Karen, you will recover in time. Your appetite came back, so that's a good sign.

 

Did you have any counseling or therapy to address your original depression? These drugs don't cure anything, if they do anything, they mask symptoms for a while, but the underlying issues are still there. Most problems which antidepressants are prescribed for are usually better treated with talk therapy, this way the cause of the problem can be found and dealt with.

 

The best I can offer by way of advice is to listen to your body and avoid those things that set off symptoms as much as possible. Aside from a high quality fish oil and magnesium, avoid supplements. (See King of Supplements: Omega 3 Fatty Acids (Fish Oil) and Magnesium, Nature's Calcium Channel Blocker). They've been helpful to many of us. 

 

Here is the link to our symptoms and self care section, you may find some useful ideas to help manage symptoms as you recover.  Especially read the topics pinned at the top.

 

From what you have written, it sounds like you are experiencing anhedonia and emotional anesthesia, both common withdrawal symptoms, which will pass in time.  See: Anhedonia, apathy, demotivation - Surviving Antidepressants

 

I look forward to reading the rest of your introduction when you have more time.

 

Petunia.

[JanCarol]

Hey Sampo - welcome! 

 

I don't have anything to add to what Petunia said.

 

Just want to chime it - it does get better!  You are young, and it may seem difficult now.  It seems that for younger people, time is slower.

 

But time is the best healer, and be patient.  Listen to your body.  Find out what makes you better (meditation? walking? bicycling? sleeping?) or what makes you worse (caffeine? alcohol? bright lights or loud sounds? work stress?) and learn to favor what makes you better.

 

Welcome to SA!

[Sampo]

Thank you for replies and advices!

 

At the begining when anhedonia started in last february I was so afraid that I have some kind of  permanent damage in my brain. I stoped using alcohol and I also quit smoking pot. I decided to do anything neccessary which eases healing process. Luckily I have few experienses of normal feelings after meds so now it's easier to me trust that some day I will feel same way as before.

 

Now I eat lot of vegetables and fruits and drink lot of water. I also try to be in nature daily which is easy here in Finland! I have also try acupuncture. It helped me especially at the begining of withdrawal when I lost ten kilos of my weight because my stomach didn't work well. Few times it also helped me feel music almost same way than before withdrawal. I play football once in week with my friends and I take walks daily.

 

 

Welcome to the forum Sampo, thank you for joining and for sharing your story so far, I'm sorry to hear about everything you have been through. When did you last take Sertraline? What dose did you stop from the last time? If you fill in your signature with your drug and withdrawal history, that would be helpful.

 

I agree with Karen, you will recover in time. Your appetite came back, so that's a good sign.

 

Did you have any counseling or therapy to address your original depression? These drugs don't cure anything, if they do anything, they mask symptoms for a while, but the underlying issues are still there. Most problems which antidepressants are prescribed for are usually better treated with talk therapy, this way the cause of the problem can be found and dealt with.

 

The best I can offer by way of advice is to listen to your body and avoid those things that set off symptoms as much as possible. Aside from a high quality fish oil and magnesium, avoid supplements. (See King of Supplements: Omega 3 Fatty Acids (Fish Oil) and Magnesium, Nature's Calcium Channel Blocker). They've been helpful to many of us. 

 

Here is the link to our symptoms and self care section, you may find some useful ideas to help manage symptoms as you recover.  Especially read the topics pinned at the top.

 

From what you have written, it sounds like you are experiencing anhedonia and emotional anesthesia, both common withdrawal symptoms, which will pass in time.  See: Anhedonia, apathy, demotivation - Surviving Antidepressants

 

I look forward to reading the rest of your introduction when you have more time.

 

Petunia.

 

My last dose was 25 mg and I stoped taking it in November 2014. I made quiting decision by myself so I hadn't medical advices how to quit. Now I know my last dose was too big for quiting.

 

Unfornately I haven't been in therapy. I have been just few times in psychologist. When I got little older I realized the same truth of drugs as you. Now I can't feel the depression, just frustration of my condition. I even miss all the feelings what depression includes! When I got those feelings back, I will deal them without drugs.

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Sampo.

 

You are doing everything right to help your nervous system to heal.

 

Emotional anesthesia is a common side effect of these drugs. You might say it is the way they work. Unfortunately, this can last after you go off them.

 

This goes away very slowly. See The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

[Sampo]

Welcome, Sampo.

 

You are doing everything right to help your nervous system to heal.

 

Emotional anesthesia is a common side effect of these drugs. You might say it is the way they work. Unfortunately, this can last after you go off them.

 

This goes away very slowly. See The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

 

Thanks!

 

It's easy to belive that full recovering will take a long time. But luckily I can be sometimes little emotional. For example I felt very nervous before my sister's weddings few weeks ago because I wasn't sure could I feel normal way but when she finally came on the altar I started to cry. It was great moment for me also because I noticed that my soul wasn't totally dead! I have also tiny a week lasting window (is it right word?) when animals looked qute again and I was more emotional. I also cryed once on that week when I told to my mom about my tiny improving. Unfornately those improved things went away but after that week I'm sure that my feelings will come back some day!

[Sampo]

By the way are there people who have lost their creativity and finally got it back after withdrawal? One of my biggest dreams is beeing able to improvise again in the jam sessions with full feelings and write new songs. Now I can play instruments almost like before but it gives me nothing because music cause hardly any feelings to me. That's one reason why I can't create new music at all.

 

I'm missing also endorphin rushes. I can't feel them for example after soccer.

[Altostrata]

A week is a good long window. Yes, your creativity will come back.

[Sampo]

Yesterday I realized that in this month I have been a year without Sertraline. I felt little sad about it because I thought that my condition haven't improved very much. Ok, sometimes I can feel the hunger again and my gut health is much better than earlier on this withdrawal. I have had a window when I was more emotional than usual and I saw animals at qute way again.

 

After all of this suffering I have finally realized that how beautiful life I have had. I was very talented verbaly and people sayed many times to me that I'm smart guy. After this "chemical lobotomy" I feel myself very stupid.  Now I'm maybe too isloted from the surrounding world but I miss the time when I was very social behaving young joking dude who have hobbies and intrests, pet cats, girls and lot of friends. Sometimes I was very sad and depressed but those things gave me more inspiration to create music. Now I can't even enjoy of hearing the music. I don't hate it, I just can't feel it. My bigest dream is to being able to feel emotions again. I want to fall in love, enjoy of summer days, feel anger and being able to feel pleasure. I hope there will be also a day when I'm able to take hits from the bong again and enjoy the same way like before.

 

This withdrawal have been like living in hell. Hopefully I will get more improvements soon! At least I don't want to live the rest of my life in this condition!

 

So this is how I feel on this moment. Hopefully a year foward from this I will feel much better and smile when I'm reading this.

 

Thanks all of you! This forum with it's threads and users is the best place to get information and comfort to me. I have had my own account just very short time in here but I have read stuff from here much longer time.

 

I hope all the best to you!

[Sampo]

I think its time for a little update how I'm doing now!

 

I realized that I have been able to laugh for comedies on few last weeks. Music gives me also more chills than earlier on this withdrawal. I don't have will to listen music or watch movies but when I do those things I feel something, not as strongly as before on this withdrawal but I don't feel anymore that I'm dead inside. I even get hooked in a tv serie and my parents dog seems qute again! I'm not sure how long this kind of emotional improving is going to stay but I hope that this isn't just a window.

 

For healthy people these are normal things what they don't even think but I got more hope of recovery!

[divalee]

That's good news Sampo  I wish you continued release from these symptoms.  It will get better - you may have windows and waves but eventually you will beat this thing....keep us informed.

 

Lee (f)

[iull1k]

Guy, we are in the same condition. I understand you 100%. I also have skin decreased sensivity. How you solved prostate issues?

[Sampo]

Unfornately I don't feel so good as I updated on this topic last time. Maybe that improving was some kind of tiny window. I have had weird headache in many days and I feel like that I have went many steps back emotionally. I think also because days are getting much shorter here in Northern Europe so it may have infulence on my condition too.

 

Guy, we are in the same condition. I understand you 100%. I also have skin decreased sensivity. How you solved prostate issues?

I'm so sorry that you are in the same kind of condition than I but I'm happy that someone knows exactly how I feel.

 

When we talk about my prostate issues I must say that I am not sure that were they caused by SSRI-drugs. I went to the doctor because I barely couldn't urinate at all and I had weird pains. He sayed to me that I have eruption there but blood tests didn't show any marks of that. He put me take antibiotics and nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug (thanks for the dictionary) for two months. I read lots of information about prostate problems and after that I was sure that those drugs will not cure me. So I stoped taking those drugs after a month and finally few months after I felt that my condition was better. So time fixed the problem. But my urination isn't still normal because pressure is much weaker but at least I can do what I have to do. It also feels like that my bladder don't empty properly. But I believe that SSRI might be part of the reason for that.

 

Do you feel like that you have lost whole of your identity when withdrawal started emotionally? That feeling is the worst thing in this withdrawal for me!

[iull1k]

Yes, i feel the same. This is not withdrawal, it's damage and imbalance caused by SSRI. Believe me, prostate and bladder issue are SSRI related.

[isurvived8]

I wouldnt call it damage. Energetic distortions. Doesnt take much to throw it off. I used to think desensitation. I had bladder issues too btw, my hormones are more balanced, many improvements. Im 8 months. Cry all the damn time now. I went 8 minths with no imorovements until lately. Im not sure if it's from hormone repkacement for thyroid problems or what but my tsh is lower, t3 higher, body temp is nor.now, my body feels warm again. My fog is lifting

[Sampo]

I wouldnt call it damage. Energetic distortions. Doesnt take much to throw it off. I used to think desensitation. I had bladder issues too btw, my hormones are more balanced, many improvements. Im 8 months. Cry all the damn time now. I went 8 minths with no imorovements until lately. Im not sure if it's from hormone repkacement for thyroid problems or what but my tsh is lower, t3 higher, body temp is nor.now, my body feels warm again. My fog is lifting

 

Its sounds amazing to me that you can cry all the time because I can't! Have you had blunted emotions? Good to hear that you're doing better.

 

I think that I might have some kind of problems with body temperature because I feel cold much easier than before even indoors and especially outdoors.

[iull1k]

 Energetic distortions. 

Good fantasy

 

 

I wouldnt call it damage. Energetic distortions. Doesnt take much to throw it off. I used to think desensitation. I had bladder issues too btw, my hormones are more balanced, many improvements. Im 8 months. Cry all the damn time now. I went 8 minths with no imorovements until lately. Im not sure if it's from hormone repkacement for thyroid problems or what but my tsh is lower, t3 higher, body temp is nor.now, my body feels warm again. My fog is lifting

 

Its sounds amazing to me that you can cry all the time because I can't! Have you had blunted emotions? Good to hear that you're doing better.

 

I think that I might have some kind of problems with body temperature because I feel cold much easier than before even indoors and especially outdoors.

 

 I do not feel properly the temperature. I wear a goose down jacket at 15 celsius degree. I never was like this.

[Theon]

 I do not feel properly the temperature. I wear a goose down jacket at 15 celsius degree. I never was like this.

 

 

 I join into the club of not feeling temerature properly. 

 

I am from southern Europe and last summer, while I was tappering, it was often almost 40ºC degrees and I was just fine, I couldn't feel the warmth, all the people were complaining about how warm it was and I just couldn't feel it.

[isurvived8]

All I know is my body temp was always 98.6, even in my medical records. After effexor my metablism changed and it lowered my body temp aeound 95 but it would jump to 97 and drop again.

 

A doctor will tell you thats normal unless they can go back and.look at your records.

 

An endocrinologist will tell you that low body temp is not normal. Its related to t3, or metabolism. When your body is cold, its metabolic, for whatever reason your liver is converting t4 to rt3, rather than t3.

 

It resembles hypothyroidism. Though it may not be hypothyroidism, it mimics it. Getting your t3 levels up raises metabolism, your body burns more fat.and needs sleep.

 

It could.be.cortisol related. My cortisol for whatever reason was affecting circadian rythym, my cortisol wasnt spiking in the am but instead before bed.

 

 

Ps: I went 8 months without emotions

[iull1k]

In my case i have a general skin insensivity. I can not be tickled and i barely can feel when my girl kiss me on the neck. Maybe this lead temperature insensivity.

[moodyblues78]

By the way are there people who have lost their creativity and finally got it back after withdrawal? One of my biggest dreams is beeing able to improvise again in the jam sessions with full feelings and write new songs. Now I can play instruments almost like before but it gives me nothing because music cause hardly any feelings to me. That's one reason why I can't create new music at all.

 

 

I composed and recorded a full LP in wd. Creativity comes back. Don`t worry. This experience may make you more creative you`ve ever been.

[Theon]

In my case i have a general skin insensivity. I can not be tickled and i barely can feel when my girl kiss me on the neck. Maybe this lead temperature insensivity.

 

I could have written that, I also noticed the inability of being tickled too.

I don't get any feelings from the contact with other human being. I don't have a girlfriend at the moment, and I also don't care. I wish I cared.

[iull1k]

Sampo sorry for spamming your thread.

[Sampo]

I have felt few days little better than usually. The reason for that may be the latest acupuncture session that I had. I'm more positive as in long time and I everything just feel much easier. I hope this mood will last long. At least its giving hope that there isn't permanent damage in my body.

 

 

All I know is my body temp was always 98.6, even in my medical records. After effexor my metablism changed and it lowered my body temp aeound 95 but it would jump to 97 and drop again.

A doctor will tell you thats normal unless they can go back and.look at your records.

An endocrinologist will tell you that low body temp is not normal. Its related to t3, or metabolism. When your body is cold, its metabolic, for whatever reason your liver is converting t4 to rt3, rather than t3.

It resembles hypothyroidism. Though it may not be hypothyroidism, it mimics it. Getting your t3 levels up raises metabolism, your body burns more fat.and needs sleep.

It could.be.cortisol related. My cortisol for whatever reason was affecting circadian rythym, my cortisol wasnt spiking in the am but instead before bed.


Ps: I went 8 months without emotions

Your exprerience is very inspiring! I think that will do the same tests as you! Congratulations for your improving!

 

 

 

In my case i have a general skin insensivity. I can not be tickled and i barely can feel when my girl kiss me on the neck. Maybe this lead temperature insensivity.

I have noticed same!

 

 

 

 

By the way are there people who have lost their creativity and finally got it back after withdrawal? One of my biggest dreams is beeing able to improvise again in the jam sessions with full feelings and write new songs. Now I can play instruments almost like before but it gives me nothing because music cause hardly any feelings to me. That's one reason why I can't create new music at all.

 

 

I composed and recorded a full LP in wd. Creativity comes back. Don`t worry. This experience may make you more creative you`ve ever been.

 

 

Thanks for giving me hope! Did you have anhedonia? Its sounds a bit odd to me that you could create songs during the withdrawal. I'm so anhedonic that I can't even enjoy of music. Some songs still gives me chills but I can't feel the satisfaction of music as normally.

 

But maybe it will be my time to do songs when the anhedonia is gone. I have played guitar but its give me nothing. Maybe things what I have played on this wd are very good but I just can't feel it.

[Sampo]

I'm going to meet endocrinologist too but nfornately its possible only in January in my home town.

[moodyblues78]

Its sounds a bit odd to me that you could create songs during the withdrawal. I'm so anhedonic that I can't even enjoy of music. Some songs still gives me chills but I can't feel the satisfaction of music as normally.

 

But maybe it will be my time to do songs when the anhedonia is gone. I have played guitar but its give me nothing. Maybe things what I have played on this wd are very good but I just can't feel it.

 

I did it during windows. I`ve been on this road for 2 yrs now. Right now having my worst setback in a year. No way I`m touching my guitar. I`m not even able to sleep but this too will pass and then i`m back to music. 

[Sampo]

 

Its sounds a bit odd to me that you could create songs during the withdrawal. I'm so anhedonic that I can't even enjoy of music. Some songs still gives me chills but I can't feel the satisfaction of music as normally.

 

But maybe it will be my time to do songs when the anhedonia is gone. I have played guitar but its give me nothing. Maybe things what I have played on this wd are very good but I just can't feel it.

 

I did it during windows. I`ve been on this road for 2 yrs now. Right now having my worst setback in a year. No way I`m touching my guitar. I`m not even able to sleep but this too will pass and then i`m back to music. 

 

 

Thanks for the reply! Hopely you feel better soon! At least you have had good windows!

[apace41]

I have felt few days little better than usually. The reason for that may be the latest acupuncture session that I had. I'm more positive as in long time and I everything just feel much easier. I hope this mood will last long. At least its giving hope that there isn't permanent damage in my body.

 

 

This is great news, Sampo!  It's been 5 days since you posted this -- still feeling improvement?

 

Best,

 

Andy

[Sampo]

 

I have felt few days little better than usually. The reason for that may be the latest acupuncture session that I had. I'm more positive as in long time and I everything just feel much easier. I hope this mood will last long. At least its giving hope that there isn't permanent damage in my body.

 

 

This is great news, Sampo!  It's been 5 days since you posted this -- still feeling improvement?

 

Best,

 

Andy

 

 

Hi!

 

I had few bad days on this week because my stomach was so bad so it made my whole mood worse too. Today I feel better because my stomach work almost right. I think that I feel the improvement still. I'm more trustful that I will recover some day. Some times I feel bored and its new feeling in this withdrawal period to me. I have played guitar and listened music too. I don't still feel the music normally but now I have strong feeling that I have ability to like those things but anhedonia is the block. Maybe there isn't any kind of brain damage even if I scared it so much earlier. I think also that I have very tiny improvements in my sexual functioning too.

 

I have noticed that I feel better when I'm alone than in group. Maybe I don't notice how different I'm than the others when I'm alone.

[KarenB]

Sampo those are really encouraging signs of improvement you are getting.  Sounds like you have recovered some of your hope too - and that is such a key thing.  Feeling bored is good - it means your brain is waking up a little and wants something more to do.

 

I understand your feelings about preferring your own company.  I spent the last year or so feeling way too weird and 'off' to be around other people.  In the last month this is beginning to change for me, and it's lovely.  I think this will happen for you too, when you get to the right time in your healing. 

 

Keep going Sampo, you really are getting to some good places,

Hugs,

KarenB

[Sampo]

Sampo those are really encouraging signs of improvement you are getting.  Sounds like you have recovered some of your hope too - and that is such a key thing.  Feeling bored is good - it means your brain is waking up a little and wants something more to do.

 

I understand your feelings about preferring your own company.  I spent the last year or so feeling way too weird and 'off' to be around other people.  In the last month this is beginning to change for me, and it's lovely.  I think this will happen for you too, when you get to the right time in your healing. 

 

Keep going Sampo, you really are getting to some good places,

Hugs,

KarenB

 

Thanks for the support! Its nice to hear that you are founding more social level in you.

 

I think that the biggest thing what is changed in my condition is my attitude. I think now that the key of healing is acceptance. Maybe the right attitude make improvements easier to notice and improvements give naturaly more hope and that kind of cycle might be good for recovering. I'm still sure that I will have desperate and frustrated thoughts some times in the future but maybe its getting much easier to start thinking at positive way after those periods.

 

After all I must say that this forum have helped me a lot and it will help me in the future too! So thanks to all of you!

 

(Its very strange to write positive sounding post even if I have slept just 3 hours on last night!)

[KarenB]

That's exactly it Sampo.  I feel the same about the acceptance and positivity.  It makes a huge difference to how we cope with it all, and like you say, that feeds into a positive cycle.  Goodness brings goodness.

[Sampo]

Its time to give report of improvements or this might be just a window too!

 

I met my accupuncturist two days ago. After that I felt myself very relaxed and carefree. I went home and I have felt myself quite happy. Yesterday I jammed with my friend. I played bass and he played guitar. When he went home I took my guitar and now I have played it very much more than earlier on my withdrawal and I feel  that I'm much more creative too. I have also listened music and it gives me feelings almost as much like before.

 

And this wasn't all! Both nights after the accupuncture session I have seen dreams of girls. Not erotic but nice dreams anyway!

 

Maybe this all is caused by accupuncture. Hoping this mood is going to stay. At least this is proof that soul is still inside of me.

[escitalopramsucks]

;)good!

[Sampo]

I want to say that I'm quite happy at the moment. Its little odd because I have lived like in hell for so many months almost without any hope. I'm not even nearly my old self yet but latests improvements what I have got seems to last longer than earlier and my mood is so good so its easy to have positive attitude right now! I need to wait five days and then I will meet my accupuncturist again.

 

Today I spend many hours with my guitar and you can't ever imagine how fantastic it was for me! It feels like it really is possible to get my old self back. I have noticed that girls are some how attractive again. Now I just need to wait that all of my emotions come back and PSSD goes away.