IHadPassion

[IHadPassion]

Eye exam didn't show anything in particular, healthy retina, no signs of glaucoma.  She said extreme stress could be causing some of the vision degradation issues...yeah, no kidding.

 

The last week has been especially difficult. My relationship with my wife is failing, to say the least.  I can't fault her for lack of trying.  She has stuck with me through the last year culminating in the total breakdown that occurred in August.  However, she continues to tell me that I'm not doing enough, wants to set a timeline, and is really just adding more stress to the whole situation.  There is clearly a trust issue because she requests to sit in on my counseling appointments every few weeks.   I try explaining that merely communicating is a challenge and causes my head to burn.  She doesn't fully believe that the medication could have caused this, despite having read many of the threads on this site and others.  We love each other, but are both near the point of total exhaustion in the relationship.  I'm beginning to think I would do better with my family as she has gotten closer and closer to moving out.    

 

In other news, my brain fog fluctuates greatly between totally socked in and moderate.  My mind is gone.  I have no foresight, no reasoning ability, no short term memory.  Everything that made me successful has now vanished from existence and I'm left in a relentless, monotonous stupor and my greatest concern is that this will never return.   

[Theon]

Hello IHadPassion, What about trying meditation?, I have found that it is helping me a lot with brain fog, lack of self awareness and apathy. It's like meditation makes me closer to my real self of before the drugs. Of couse meditation won't give you immediate results, I have been meditating 10 daily minutes for 2/3 months already and I am starting to notice that I am regaining some self awareness that the prozac made me lose.

 

At the begining, meditating was horrible, because it made me realize how fucked up my thinking process was in comparison with how it used to be. It made me aware of how much the medications had affected me. But now that I have came in terms with my situation (and also improved), I am starting to like meditating, because when I am meditating, some random feelings or thoughts come to my mind that remind me to my old self of before ssri. 

 

I took ssri shorter than you, and for your comments I see that your condition is worse than mine is/was, but I believe that meditation can help you. 

 

pd. Note that meditation is not easy at all, it is not a passive process, it is an active thing, thinking that meditating is easy is a common mistake. I am practicing breathing meditation, a technique in which you have to put your full attention in your breathing to keep your mind completely free of thoughts, and when you notice that you are thinking something, you consciously put your attention back on the physical sensations of your breathing.  You can find more information in this website: http://www.wildmind.org/mindfulness

 

Maybe not now, but when you improve a bit, maybe it will be worth giving meditation a shot of some months.

[IHadPassion]

Is there any anecdotal evidence that supports taking small dose Zoloft (or other lesser evil SSRI) for someone who rapid tapered off of Paxil a year ago and is totally dysfunctional, stabilizing and then slowly weaning off?  I've fought hard to not get back on any medications in the past few months, but I am reaching a point where I may have to be hospitalized again. 

[brassmonkey]

Hi IHP-- I'm so sorry to hear about the problems with your wife.  This is such a stressful situation all around and so incredibly hard for an "outsider" to understand.  Keep the communication open and I truly hope things work out.

 

Instead of switching to another drug a little "hair of the dog" is really the best way to go.  The one you were taking is the one your body needs.  If you're willing to give it a try then starting out on a very small dose, in the 1 - 2mg range is going to be the best place to start.  It will take several days for things to start to take effect so don't write it off too quickly.  Here is our thread on reinstatement, which will give you a lot more information:

 

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms

[IHadPassion]

Brass, thanks.  I'm honestly afraid of taking any Paxil again.  I took 5mg several months ago out of desperation and had a very bad reaction.  Vomiting, diarrhea, racing heart, etc that lasted for several days which I why I'm thinking Zoloft would be a better bet.   

[brassmonkey]

That makes sense.  Sounds like an adverse reaction to the paxil.  I would be very careful with the Zoloft because the reaction to the paxil indicates that you're very sensitive to the drugs, so again I would advise starting very low and seeing what happens.

[oskcajga]

Eye exam didn't show anything in particular, healthy retina, no signs of glaucoma.  She said extreme stress could be causing some of the vision degradation issues...yeah, no kidding.

 

The last week has been especially difficult. My relationship with my wife is failing, to say the least.  I can't fault her for lack of trying.  She has stuck with me through the last year culminating in the total breakdown that occurred in August.  However, she continues to tell me that I'm not doing enough, wants to set a timeline, and is really just adding more stress to the whole situation.  There is clearly a trust issue because she requests to sit in on my counseling appointments every few weeks.   I try explaining that merely communicating is a challenge and causes my head to burn.  She doesn't fully believe that the medication could have caused this, despite having read many of the threads on this site and others.  We love each other, but are both near the point of total exhaustion in the relationship.  I'm beginning to think I would do better with my family as she has gotten closer and closer to moving out.    

 

In other news, my brain fog fluctuates greatly between totally socked in and moderate.  My mind is gone.  I have no foresight, no reasoning ability, no short term memory.  Everything that made me successful has now vanished from existence and I'm left in a relentless, monotonous stupor and my greatest concern is that this will never return.   

 

I'd strongly recommend moving in with your folks rather than ending up hospitalized (if that's how the tradeoff would proceed).  Hospitalization would likely lead to medication, right?   Further medication at hospitalization doses may really exacerbate an already delicate system.  Have you read this thread about hospitalization? 

 

I think it's absolutely critical to be in an environment that is at least neutral - a place where one can sit around and do very little with their lives for years (if need be).  An environment with expectation and drama makes this situation so much harder.  I've been in both, and I can say with certainty that the drama free, neural environment (living by myself or with my parent) helped accelerate the healing process dramatically.

 

I'd personally avoid zoloft (and any psych med for that matter - but ESPECIALLY antidepressants and antipsycotics) - like brassmonkey indicated, it sounds like you had an adverse reaction and another SSRI will most likely cause something similar to occur.  I'm not sure what a reinstatment could really do physiologically at this point.  Every single time I tried something out of desperation in this process it almost always ALWAYS made me worse. 

 

Sorry to hear about your collapsing relationship - I can empathize.  Society is not very kind to males in this sort of situation - there's no understanding whatsoever from most individuals - ESPECIALLY if we cannot function and make money. There's a reason that something like 90%+ of homeless individuals in the US are men. 

[Vonnegutjunky]

Passion- our stories are kind of similar -

 

I went to school and loved my job - spent 8 years on Paxil - after my taper I am useless - completely useless and I feel my life is over - I also went back on Paxil and had a bad reaction as you did, but I'm stupid and stayed on it for 5 months hoping it would kick in; it never did; now I'm slowly weaning off it with horrible side effects -

 

Please keep us posted on how you are doing -

Xo

[IHadPassion]

Just wanted to post how disgusted I am and continue to be with the field of psychiatry.  Several months ago I was considering rTMS due to the severe state of depression and despair I was experiencing from withdrawal and had a several hour consult with a "neuropsychiatrist" concerning my case. After reviewing the literature and anecdotal evidence I realized it was every bit as much quackery as psychopharmacology and decided against treatment.  Since that consult, I've been called no less than TEN times by their office asking if I had reconsidered having the treatment and how I was doing with therapy.  Each time I answer the phone I feel as if I'm talking to a relentless used car salesmen.  Capitalism reigns over the patient's best interest again.  Disgusting. 

[JanCarol]

Oh that's awful, Passion.  It's really like kicking you when you're down, isn't it - to try and sell you the "new hot model" of biopsychiatry when you are still suffering PTSD from your last round?

 

Good for you for checking it out.  There are other stories here, I'm sorry I am not sure where they are (also called TCMS) - but I recall one person forked over a lot of money for something like 10-20 sessions - a fortune, that they took out a loan for, if I remember right - and it ended up triggering their withdrawal into a worse place.

 

So kudos for your wisdom on this one.  It's so hard, when so many of your systems are discombobulated from withdrawal, to not reach out desperately for the next Big Thing.  You chose a very wise path (now if they'd just leave you alone!).

 

So - with a huge roadworks going on in your brain and nervous system - can you work on what is working for now?  Can you read?  Can you bounce a ball?  (I've been working on bouncing a tennis ball from left hand to right and back again while walking.  Challenging!)  What can you do to soothe yourself?  Can you sing?  Dance?  Writhe on the floor - make your writhing so big and ugly that you have to laugh at yourself?  

 

My point is, not all "healing" looks like a spa or encounter weekend.  It all depends on you, what you can do, what you can find, what you can choose (and what you do not choose), and how you approach what ability you have to work with.

 

I remember months, maybe years, even, where all I could do was light up another cigarette.  That was a pretty low range of activity.  Sometimes I could read, but it was hard.  When I quit the cigarettes, I thought I would have nothing, and it took awhile before other things started to populate my poor, blank brain.  But it does get better.

 

What can you do, choose, find, and how can you approach that - to get just a little better for now?

[KT38]

How have you been doing?

[BigPharmaStinks]

Hi IHP. Very sorry to see you lose so much of your cognitive, mental and physical functioning due to these poisons. I have exactly all of the symptoms you experienced in your first 2-3 years off, and am a deferred MD-PhD student at a prestigious institution. I relate to your tremendous frustration and distress at losing all your cognitive abilities and passion for everything in life. I will be writing a book to raise awareness on iatrogenic brain injuries caused by psychiatric drugs, and would love to email you (for some reason SA won’t let me PM you). I hope you are very close to recovery and that your cognitive faculties and personality are returning to the baseline you were happy with.

 

P.S. I saw Robert Whitaker’s interview with you for the documentary Medicating Normal and could relate to everything thing you went through. Really happy to see you raising awareness about this tormenting illness that is under-recognized and quite frankly, completely ignored by the majority of the medical establishment.