LJ2015 - II am struggling today...

[JanCarol]

So LJ - how are you going? 

 

Your last post sounds like you are preparing a taper - but your sig says you quit in Aug 2015 - can you please help?

 

I hope to hear you are doing well.

[LJ2015]

I wanted to post an update but not sure where to start. After seeing six different doctors I was convinced that I was suffering anxiety and depression and was advised that I would need to be on medication for life. I was devastated and agonised over the decision to go back on. Nobody would accept it was withdrawal or even discuss a taper plan. I was not in my right mind at this time and frankly incapable of making these kinds of decisions.

 

At the beginning of December I was started back on citalopram 20 mg plus beta blockers 3 times a day. After four weeks I had stopped shaking I could eat and sleep again and the morning terror attacks had stopped but I couldn't leave the house I was angry all the time and my jaw was clamped shut resulting in constant jaw pain. Just before Christmas I visited the doctor again who suggested I increase the dose of citalopram. I refused and he switched me on to sertraline 50 mg. I switched right away from citalopram to sertraline. Over Christmas i was in agony with pan on the left side of my face which I put down to the switch. At the beginning of Jan I had an appointment with a psychiatrist come through for the beginning of Feb. I was anxious to discuss my medication and which dose I should be on. Over the course of January I started to feel slightly better as the physical symptoms lessened. At the end of jan I had to visit my GP again for more tablets and again was encouraged to increase the dosage. Not trusting the GP I decided to wait for my appointment with the psychiatrist who I felt would be more qualified to help me.

 

I attended the psychiatrist appointment not expecting much. After about yen minutes of listening to me mumble and um and urr for a while he completely agreed that I was suffering from withdrawal and felt that I should never have been prescribed these drugs. He was amazed that I was given beta blockers (another thing I have got to get off). He was also angry but not surprised when I told him the Dr wanted me to take more. I was speechless. All these months of convincing myself I had "depression". After a while he agreed that I should do a slow taper. He advised me to half the dose immediately which I did on 1st Feb going from 50 to 25 mg. This was too much too fast I felt the effects within four days. I went back up to taking 3 quarters of the tablet and have felt better for the last few weeks so this week I dropped down to a half but again I feel this is too quick so I am going to try cutting the quarters in half. The problem with these tablets is that they are very hard to break up accurately. I have bought a pill cutter but end up throwing most of the tablet out. The psychiatrist was not keen on trying to break these pills up which was why he suggested a drop to half for a month then every other day for a month etc but I know this is too fast so I am trying for a wait of 6 weeks before changing as this is how long it seems to take for my body to adjust. There is no rush for me to come off these tablets and having suffered months of withdrawal after going cold turkey I have accepted that it will take as much time as it needs I cant go too slow but I can go too fast. I am very aware of my symptoms and how the drop in dose affects me but at least I know what it is now and so I can manage it. On my darkest days I try to think of it more like an illegal drug withdrawal as there is not much difference really.

 

One of my biggest fears is that I do not know who I will be at the end of this journey. I used to think that I needed these drugs but I have been able to see how much harm they have done to me over the years. I am not a better person on the antidepressants and I have learnt that being manic is not being happy as I used to believe. I do think that whoever I become it will at least be real and it is my choice what I do from now on.

 

I have terrible days and not so bad days (I used to count Manic days as good but now I know better?). I cant work and I am really struggling to support myself but I have just got to give it time. Nothing is more important at the moment.

 

I will try to update as I can and if anybody needs to talk please pm me.

 

(sorry for the selling mistakes I am typing on my phone)

[KarenB]

Hi LJ,

 

I'm really glad you came to update us.  You've been through a lot since we saw you last.  It sounds like you've done a lot of sorting out about what direction you want to take, which is good.  You might like to have another read in the Symptoms and Self-Care forum for ideas on building up strength and ways to manage things.  The more goodness you can build into your life, the more supported you will feel when things get tricky. 

 

Oh - could you update your signature with the latest changes?  Thanks.

 

Holding for 6 weeks sounds like a good plan.  If cutting is too inaccurate, you could try making a liquid, see Tips for tapering Sertraline.

 

Best wishes,

Karen

[LJ2015]

Thank you for your comments. I am going to try making a liquid solution for the next few tapers I will let you know how I get on.