Rachelina Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 Hello, I'm sorry if this question has been addressed before but I'm struggling and really need some help here. I've just had a Paxil withdrawal crash that feels like it has destroyed my spirit, my soul, my humanity, has sucked all meaning and love out of the world and left it empty and devoid of meaning. I do feel like I am going to recover and I have moments when I feel my spirit coming back to me and begin to see meaning and love in the world around me again. Still, even if I recover completely, as I hope to, what does it say about the nature of spirit that a drug can cause this??? I believe in spirit, in souls, in God, I believe the whole world is alive and conscious. I don't believe that my soul can be reduced to brain chemistry. But that's exactly what this experience is suggesting. If a drug can even temporarily seem to destroy my soul, then maybe soul IS nothing but brain chemistry. And I can't live with that belief. Please someone help me to believe that our souls are not merely a matter of brain chemistry, help me find some meaning in what's happening to me. Trying to get off Paxil since 2007. Was tapering by 0.1 mg every 4-5 weeks. Had awful crash in November 2015 at .5 mg; updosed gradually to 2 mg. Doing better and tapering again, much slower this time. 2016: Dropped from 2 mg to 1.62 mg. 2017: 1.62 mg to 1.2 mg. 2018: 1.2 mg to .76 mg. 2019: .76 mg to .56 mg. 2020: .56 mg to .33 mg. 2021: .33 mg to .13 mg. 2022: .13 mg to .03 mg. 6/12/23 .002 mg. OFF PAXIL 9/4/23 Started Klonopin in November 2015 to deal with crash. 1/10/16 started milk titration taper from .5 mg. Finished taper 12/6/17. Still take Klonopin for agoraphobia 2 - 3 times a week. Link to comment
LoveandLight Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 Well that is a pretty scary belief but no I don't believe that.. I don't know if I could put it into words at the moment but before I started to struggle with these drugs yrs ago I had some sort of awakening and it was clear to me that what I thought of as myself and as others are much more than body and mind. Dunno if that helps or provides some comfort. I hope it does... 2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare! On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect. Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan. Nightmare that could have been avoided! Link to comment
bluebalu86 Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 I don't know what to suggest because I struggle with the same thoughts for exactly the same reasons... I understand you VERY well and where you're coming from. I have had the same experience myself. I suffer from depression, anxiety, pure-o ocd, and panic attacks since 2004. Been on multiple different psychiatric drugs since 2006. Never had a significant WD problem before, only brain zaps for a month and then I'd be fine...............Been on Cipralex (escitalopram) 15 mg and Fluanxol (flupentixol) 1 mg since Sep 2014. Stopped taking the Cipralex after a fast 20-day taper.Took the last 5 mg Cipralex on Feb 5th, 2015. Then took Seroxat (paroxetine) 10 mg for a week, and stopped it too. Severe WD started suddenly on Feb 16th. RI 5 mg Cipralex on Feb 18th, 2015. RI worked and was relatively stable for a while................April 7 - decreased Fluanxol from 1 mg to 0.5 mg and took it at this dose for a week. - BIG MISTAKE; April 13 - WD starts creeping in; April 14 - RI full dose of Fluanxol 1 mg => severe muscle twitching and jerking when trying to relax and fall asleep, overwhelming sense of doom, dread, terror, and horror, insomnia, hoping to stabilize.Tried doing a 10% cut off Fluanxol in the end of May for a few days, but quickly updosed to full dose because the twitching returned.Experiencing waves and windows in the following months.Unsuccessful brief taper attempt of Fluanxol by 5% on November 1st. Symptoms hit the next day. Too scared to continue tapering, reinstate full dose.Severe crash in November after stupidly trying a barbiturate on November 9th. Grave mistake. Sense of unshakable inescapable internal torture, like my soul is in hell being tortured, terror/horror/dread/doom (probably akathisia?) that gets especially bad when trying to relax and fall asleep, muscles twitch, jerk and move on their own, shaking, insomnia, can't eat, confusion, disorientation, brain not working normally. Never felt so bad in my entire life. Never experiment with other meds while in WD! Praying to God I stabilize and get back to my baseline.December - things getting even worse. January - unbearable suffering Link to comment
Moderator brassmonkey Posted November 15, 2015 Moderator Share Posted November 15, 2015 When you have recovered, which you will, your spirit will have dominated over one of the blackest foes in creation. In my belief system a persons spirit is inextractibly intertwined with all of creation and in spite of the blows and damage it sustains, because of that interconnection it will survive and thrive. The only thing that can block it is to loose faith in its ability to do so. The small glimpses you get are its reminding you that it is there and not to loose faith. The battle we face in WD is often the hardest thing a person will do in their life. But the spirits will to survive is what will get us through. This is why it is so important to get out into nature when ever possible while in WD, so the spirit can maintain its connection, recharge itself and be ready for the next onslaught. Now go outside, enjoy the fall color and let the connected spirit flow into you. I'll go back to my mountain top now. 20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013. Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks. The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better. Final Dose 0.016mg. Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017 "It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general." Stephen Hawking Link to comment
bluebalu86 Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 I believe that the soul exists independent of the body and brain, but it needs the brain to manifest itself physically while we are in this flesh. Like a TV signal and a TV set. When the TV is broken or damaged, you can't receive the signal properly. But the signal is still there and it exists. Hope that makes some sense. I used to be interested in this and researched a lot. Thousands of near death experiences suggest that there's something going on even after clinical death. That can't be random. I don't believe those are hallucinations, I believe they're real experiences. When you feel better you might want to research that and it will give you hope, since it apparently is important to you, like it is important to me. I do believe we are spiritual beings embodied in physical bodies. For what reason, I don't know, but I believe there is one. Maybe we cannot grasp it with our human brains yet. Don't lose hope. No we are not just a brain. I went through a period when I was all about science and reason and discounted all spirituality, but after what happened to me I lost faith in science. It doesn't have all the answers. What is getting me through these horrible times is my faith in God and in everything beautiful and sacred in this world. Without spirituality I wouldn't be able to survive. Stay away from people who say we don't have souls and who try to crush your spirituality, it's very unhealthy. Talking to such people makes me very sick. I suffer from depression, anxiety, pure-o ocd, and panic attacks since 2004. Been on multiple different psychiatric drugs since 2006. Never had a significant WD problem before, only brain zaps for a month and then I'd be fine...............Been on Cipralex (escitalopram) 15 mg and Fluanxol (flupentixol) 1 mg since Sep 2014. Stopped taking the Cipralex after a fast 20-day taper.Took the last 5 mg Cipralex on Feb 5th, 2015. Then took Seroxat (paroxetine) 10 mg for a week, and stopped it too. Severe WD started suddenly on Feb 16th. RI 5 mg Cipralex on Feb 18th, 2015. RI worked and was relatively stable for a while................April 7 - decreased Fluanxol from 1 mg to 0.5 mg and took it at this dose for a week. - BIG MISTAKE; April 13 - WD starts creeping in; April 14 - RI full dose of Fluanxol 1 mg => severe muscle twitching and jerking when trying to relax and fall asleep, overwhelming sense of doom, dread, terror, and horror, insomnia, hoping to stabilize.Tried doing a 10% cut off Fluanxol in the end of May for a few days, but quickly updosed to full dose because the twitching returned.Experiencing waves and windows in the following months.Unsuccessful brief taper attempt of Fluanxol by 5% on November 1st. Symptoms hit the next day. Too scared to continue tapering, reinstate full dose.Severe crash in November after stupidly trying a barbiturate on November 9th. Grave mistake. Sense of unshakable inescapable internal torture, like my soul is in hell being tortured, terror/horror/dread/doom (probably akathisia?) that gets especially bad when trying to relax and fall asleep, muscles twitch, jerk and move on their own, shaking, insomnia, can't eat, confusion, disorientation, brain not working normally. Never felt so bad in my entire life. Never experiment with other meds while in WD! Praying to God I stabilize and get back to my baseline.December - things getting even worse. January - unbearable suffering Link to comment
rapunzel2 Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 I believe that the soul exists independent of the body and brain, but it needs the brain to manifest itself physically while we are in this flesh. Like a TV signal and a TV set. When the TV is broken or damaged, you can't receive the signal properly. But the signal is still there and it exists. that's exactly as I see it and think about it. body is like a filter, that enables us to experience our spirit to some degree. when the body and brain is out of order, it doesn't let the spirit through. in 2002- 0,5 tablet cipramil for half a year, ended it uneventfully. in 2006 - citalopram for half a year, ended in horrific state, ditched the drugs CT. 2007-2008 not feeling well but drug free. in 2008 prozac 20mg + quetiapine 25mg. 2009 tried to stop, ended up in hole after couple of months, started zoloft. 2009-2011 zoloft 50mg. went to 25mg in 2011 summer, it resulted in half a year horrible suffering. reinstated, changed drugs, nothing happened. by 2012 beginning suddenly felt great and CT meds. after 4 months came suddenly most horrible human suffering that's possible. was started on prozac and questiapine. started tapering slowly, GFCF diet and Hardy Nutritionals vitamins in 2013 summer. current medications: 1) fluoxetine and quetiapine since Aug 2012; 2) Daily Essential Nutrients by Hardy Nutritionals 7 capsules / since May 2013 + omega3; 3) Gluten-free-casein-free diet since june 2013 Started withdrawing slowly since april 2013. Mostly around 10% cuts. April'13 - March'14: fluoxetine 40mg -> 19,5mg; quetiapine 50mg -> 40mg April'14-March'15: fluoxetine 19,5mg -> 14,4mg; quetiapine 40mg -> 22mg April'15-March'16: fluoxetine 14,4mg -> 7,4mg; quetiapine 22mg -> 15mg April'16-March'17: fluoxetine 7,4mg -> 5,0mg; quetiapine 15mg -> 7,25mg April'17-March'18: fluoxetine 5,0mg -> 4,0mg; quetiapine 7,25mg -> 0 (as of 1st Feb 2018)!!!! April´18-March´19: fluoxetine 4,0mg - > 2,3mg. Jumped off fluoxetine 1,4mg due to pregnancy in July 2019. Oct 2019 severe withdrawal syndrome started. Took mistakenly a complex for hormonal support that included pregnenolone dec2019-april2020. Stopped it april 2020 and immediately severe akathisia started. Have had life threatening akathisia since, 100% disabled, suicidal, very hard to hold on. Link to comment
Rachelina Posted November 16, 2015 Author Share Posted November 16, 2015 Thank you all. I know in my heart that spirit is real and indestructible and not simply a matter of brain chemistry, and you have helped confirm my belief, you have each given me a piece of something I needed to keep my belief strong. More thoughts welcome, and I will be adding my own as I work this out for myself. Trying to get off Paxil since 2007. Was tapering by 0.1 mg every 4-5 weeks. Had awful crash in November 2015 at .5 mg; updosed gradually to 2 mg. Doing better and tapering again, much slower this time. 2016: Dropped from 2 mg to 1.62 mg. 2017: 1.62 mg to 1.2 mg. 2018: 1.2 mg to .76 mg. 2019: .76 mg to .56 mg. 2020: .56 mg to .33 mg. 2021: .33 mg to .13 mg. 2022: .13 mg to .03 mg. 6/12/23 .002 mg. OFF PAXIL 9/4/23 Started Klonopin in November 2015 to deal with crash. 1/10/16 started milk titration taper from .5 mg. Finished taper 12/6/17. Still take Klonopin for agoraphobia 2 - 3 times a week. Link to comment
Gh0st Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 I have had a similar experience. I feel that a lot of the feelings of spirituality were ripped away from me. I've always been a skeptic, but remained semi-religious until I took Lexapro. I started seeing the world in a different light (also due to depression). I can no longer conceptualize a god. It doesn't seem possible anymore. I became an atheist. Although I'd also consider myself a follower of Buddhist meditation. I know that this isn't a happy post on this thread, but I've come to terms with my beliefs. I'll never know what I'd believe if I had lived a different life, but fighting what I believed in and trying to force beliefs was hard for me, and now I no longer have that stress. Regardless of their being a god or not, I think that it is beautiful that the human race is so compassionate that they log onto this site and encourage one another through hard times. I wish you the best as you recover. Escitalopram 5mg 4 days Sept 14' Adderal 1mg (Very Rarely Taken) (Not since Fall '14) Trazodone 50mg: 1 week in Sept '14. Few days Dec 14'. 3 days Jan '16. Experience with: St. John's Wort, Turmeric, Zinc, Inositol, Ginkgo "I don't want to believe. I want to know" - Carl Sagan Admin on www.pssdforum.com "Ghost"-----Moderator for PSSD subreddit "GhostPSSD" (reddit.com/r/PSSD) My Intro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/9564-gh0sts-escitalopram-wd/ My PSSD Theory: reddit.com/r/PSSD/comments/46b4w1/ghost_pssd_article/ Link to comment
Moderator brassmonkey Posted November 17, 2015 Moderator Share Posted November 17, 2015 Spirituality, because it involves the mind and body on so many levels could almost be seen as an emotion. It certainly requires a lot of emotional input, analysis, self discovery and the like, all of which are blunted and highly suppressed by these drugs. So it makes sense that ones connection to the universal oom would be blunted and suppressed also. To me, spirituality is one step to the conscience side of base values/beliefs in that it is the conscience interpretation of those base values/beliefs into visible actions and reactions with the outside world. For so many using ADs and in WD even our base values/beliefs are called into question, so trying to interpret them into actions is next to impossible. This gives us a unique second chance to reexamine, reevaluate and rebuild our lives. Because our base values/beliefs have been called into question and everything else we hold as "true" is burned away by the "fire" of the experience we can learn from our past mistakes, see what is really important in the world, understand the true meaning of friendship/relationships and take our new found inner strength and rebuild our lives into something many times better than what we had. And through that rebuilding our own spirituality (and spirituality is a highly individual thing) will grow once again. I'll go back to my mountain top now. 20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013. Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks. The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better. Final Dose 0.016mg. Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017 "It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general." Stephen Hawking Link to comment
ZombieMode Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 Hello, I'm sorry if this question has been addressed before but I'm struggling and really need some help here. I've just had a Paxil withdrawal crash that feels like it has destroyed my spirit, my soul, my humanity, has sucked all meaning and love out of the world and left it empty and devoid of meaning. I do feel like I am going to recover and I have moments when I feel my spirit coming back to me and begin to see meaning and love in the world around me again. Still, even if I recover completely, as I hope to, what does it say about the nature of spirit that a drug can cause this??? I believe in spirit, in souls, in God, I believe the whole world is alive and conscious. I don't believe that my soul can be reduced to brain chemistry. But that's exactly what this experience is suggesting. If a drug can even temporarily seem to destroy my soul, then maybe soul IS nothing but brain chemistry. And I can't live with that belief. Please someone help me to believe that our souls are not merely a matter of brain chemistry, help me find some meaning in what's happening to me. I agree and can relate to everything you have said. I too share the feeling that these drugs are poisonous to the soul, and have experienced a disconnection to this realm since starting on antipsychotics. It's horrible, and scary to watch yourself be disconnected from universal love energy. My belief is that the pineal gland (which is the seat of the soul - the third eye chakra) is under attack from antipsychotics. I believe it is being calcified and closed to such a degree that we loose connection to the spiritual realm. I hope this is the case, because there are certainly ways of detoxifying and reopening this gland (which is located in the centre of the brain). Only time will tell, best wishes -Zombie *Forced* drugging history: Unknown cocktail during 2x admissions 400mg aripiprazole monohydrate monthly injections: 2015 - present 1,200mg sodium valproate orals daily: 2017 - present Link to comment
PatriciaVP Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 I'll never know what I'd believe if I had lived a different life, but fighting what I believed in and trying to force beliefs was hard for me, and now I no longer have that stress. Regardless of their being a god or not, I think that it is beautiful that the human race is so compassionate that they log onto this site and encourage one another through hard times. I wish you the best as you recover. Thank you, Gh0st. You've encapsulated my spiritual journey in a way I never seemed to be able to. I also just realized that my complete loss of faith began just a few years after starting these drugs. Interesting. PatriciaVP@AbleWriterSays My Intro Zoloft 150-200 mg- on and off between 1998 and 2004. Lexapro 40 mg - 2004-2013 30 mg 2013 - August 2015 20 mg August 2015- September 2015 15 mg September 2015 - October 2015 10 mg October 2015 -Nov. 1 2015. Nov. 2015 increased dose to 12.5 mg to stabilize. Dec. 28 2015 11.25 mg March 29, 2016 10 mg. August 1, 2016 9 mg. October 23, 2016 8.1 mg. Nov. 29, 2016 7.5 mg. Feb. 25, 2017 7 mg. April 9, 2017 6.5 mg. June 2017 6 mg. Aug. 2018 5.75 mg March 2019 5.5 mg Apr. 2019 5.25 mg. June 2019 5 mg Sept. 2019 4.75 mg Nov. 2019 4.5 mg Dec. 2019 4.25 April 7 2020 4mg Depakote 1000 mg 2008-2013 750 2013-Dec 2015 500 mg Dec 2015 to Feb 2, 2016. Sopped completely Feb 2 2016. Adderall 40mg 2004-Feb 29, 2016. Feb 29,2016 - reduced Adderall to 20 mg based on pdoc's recommendations. March 29, 2016 - Reduced Adderall to 15 mg. April 30 reduced Adderall to 10 mgs. May 28, 2016 reduced Adderall to 5 mgs.June 8, 2016 stopped taking Adderall due to extreme agitation. Amphetamine 20mg 2008 - 1/16. 1/16 - Stopped Amphetamine completely because pdoc did not renew script. WWW.PSYCHFREE.NET Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus JanCarol Posted November 26, 2015 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted November 26, 2015 There are "God Receptors" in the brain, if you listen to the "DMT Spirit Molecule" people, and others: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=104240746 (sorry, I could not find a reference that didn't involve shamanic plants, but I have seen other studies showing that if you stimulate the brain in a certain way, a "god" encounter can be experienced.) There is something in all of us that wants to commune with a Higher Being, faith, belief. Part of that something is in the brain. Surely these drugs can damage it. But what I"m finding, as I'm climbing up out of the swamp that was drugs - I can feel it again. I have had some other "spirit destroying" events which shattered my belief systems. But I'm curious again, I'm finding my way, I'm reinterpreting things with a new framework. I believe that the "heart" and the "soul" are pure, unblemished things. You cannot break a heart, even though it feels like it, and you cannot destroy a soul. You can, however, wrap them up in walls, barbed wire, or starve them in the locked closet of your body. But when the barriers, blocks, and impedances are removed, the heart is still pure, the spirit is still light. It's all the other stuff around them that impedes them. Do I believe in God, after all I've been through? I don't know. I think it would be arrogant of me to say. If there is a Supreme Being - who am I to define what that Being is, much less what it wants from me? "I am only an egg." (Robert Heinlein, "Stranger in a Strange Land") "Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again. My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices. A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia. CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013. Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine). Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 - Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years on Lithium). Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made. The tedious thread (my intro): JanCarol ☼ Reboxetine first, then Lithium The happy thread (my success story): JanCarol - Undiagnosed Off all bipolar drugs My own blog: https://shamanexplorations.com/shamans-blog/ I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016! Link to comment
isurvived8 Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 Im pretty young, and my heart has stopped several times in the past few years. I remember the last time my heart stopped, was about 8 months ago. I was sitting in my recliner watching a movie, and a deep feeling of love and warmth started to pull on me so deeply, and I almost completely let go of everything. I woke up to energy surging through my body, my tv turned off and the lights in my room flickered off then back on. After that, I had a great insight and I tried my best to put it in words on benzobuddies. Not sure exactly what I wrote, but it wasnt me, it was something I found out. I dont even remember, it was very comforting. This happened to me when I was laying.in bed a couple years ago. I remember feeling like was being pulled through my chest and when it happens, it's hard not to let it happen. Im only 26. But this has happened to me three times in my life. The last time this happened, I know for 100% certainty that I was out of my body. All of my pain was gone, I felt the love I felt before pssd, like the night before christmas when you were a child with your family laughing and telling stories. Thats the kind of love I felt, like I wasnt alone anymore, the warm feeling in your stomach when your with people you love, thats how death feels. Death is our way of labeling the end of our physical body, but theres nothing scary about it. I actually sometimes wish that I would have held.on to it, but I understood the pain that people I knew I loved would feel, and I couldnt die with that understanding Effexor 150 mg 2012-2015(august) Xanax 3mg 2010-2014(began wean late 2012) Currently taking 20mg of hydrocortisone (10 mg 7am, 5mg 12pm 5 mg 4pm) Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus KarenB Posted November 27, 2015 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted November 27, 2015 My faith in God pretty much disappeared since being in w/d and it's left me feeling so sad and lonely. I really want God (or at God I believed in, at least) to exist. But I've lost the ability to believe, or something. Sometimes I think this will actually move me into a stronger faith - with everything wiped out, whatever I build back up will be real (rather than childhood indoctritation etc). Right now what I believe in is that there is Goodness. That will have to be enough for now. 2010 Fluoxetine 20mg. 2011 Escitalopram 20mg. 2013 Tapered badly and destabilised CNS. Effexor 150mg. 2015 Begin using info at SurvivingAntidepressants. Cut 10% - bad w/d 2 months, held 1 month. Micro-tapering: four weekly 0.4% cuts, hold 4 weeks (struggling with symptoms). 8 month hold. 2017 Micro-tapering: four weekly 1% cuts, hold 4 weeks (symptoms almost non-existent). 2020 Still micro-tapering. Just over 2/3 of the way off effexor. Minimal symptoms, - and sleeping well. Supplements: Fish oil, vitamin C, iron, oat-straw tea, nettle tea. 2023 December - Now on 5 micro-beads Effexor. Minimal symptoms but much more time needed between drops. Symptoms begin to increase. 2024 April - Updosed to 6 microbeads - immediate increase in symptoms for 4 days. Decreased to 5 microbeads. 'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.' Dr Gabor Mate. Link to comment
Rachelina Posted November 27, 2015 Author Share Posted November 27, 2015 Karen, yes! There is goodness. And it's enough. I loved this talk by Tara Brach on basic goodness: how to trust in the basic goodness of the universe, of other people, of ourselves. http://www.tarabrach.com/trusting-ourselves-trusting-life-2/ So many good thoughts from everyone, thank you. JanCarol I agree, spirit can't be destroyed but can be blocked. Something I wrote in my journal: "The feeling that spirit and love are gone from me is an illusion caused by fear. My fear is so strong that it obscures the love that is still, always, there. Paxil withdrawal can cause this extreme terror, but it can't touch my spirit, because spirit comes from someplace deeper, someplace beyond brain chemistry. Spirit is indestructible. It's not even temporarily gone, I just can't feel it because the fear is so strong." Trying to get off Paxil since 2007. Was tapering by 0.1 mg every 4-5 weeks. Had awful crash in November 2015 at .5 mg; updosed gradually to 2 mg. Doing better and tapering again, much slower this time. 2016: Dropped from 2 mg to 1.62 mg. 2017: 1.62 mg to 1.2 mg. 2018: 1.2 mg to .76 mg. 2019: .76 mg to .56 mg. 2020: .56 mg to .33 mg. 2021: .33 mg to .13 mg. 2022: .13 mg to .03 mg. 6/12/23 .002 mg. OFF PAXIL 9/4/23 Started Klonopin in November 2015 to deal with crash. 1/10/16 started milk titration taper from .5 mg. Finished taper 12/6/17. Still take Klonopin for agoraphobia 2 - 3 times a week. Link to comment
Moderator brassmonkey Posted November 27, 2015 Moderator Share Posted November 27, 2015 Rachelina-- If you don't mind I would like to repost that quote in the Best of SA thread. 20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013. Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks. The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better. Final Dose 0.016mg. Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017 "It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general." Stephen Hawking Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus manymoretodays Posted November 27, 2015 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted November 27, 2015 All I can do is keep it simple today. God IS Love. I still do not know what the heck sex has to do with Love, as far as pssd goes, nor why God threw that into the mix. At least in this moment. In my long history with psych meds the only time I felt messed up sexually, was while on Celexa and while being with another being, who was not right for me at all. Just saying this in explanation of where this thought comes from after reading the posts on this page. This is the best of my somewhat addled recollection. I don't know but maybe dry periods.......sexual malfunction........ are good for the Soul, Spirit, Godhead in some way? A learning experience rather than complete frustration? I don't know, as I said......and the last part edited in a few more lines....... Soul, Spirit........are they one and the same then? I don't know if I was just born with Soul, or Spirit guidance, or even God if you will. I like to think so. It's always there for me. To give me strength. And today is tough. Money, relationships..........no, not a complete crash...........I am resilient, so I am told.........so I will be. Yes, nice words Rachelina. Fear. Oh boy........fear.........I best replace that with faith. Undying faith. Plays a role I think in this equation. Hang on......hang in..........hugs. Late 2023- gone to emeritus status, inactive, don't @ me, I can check who I've posted on, and I'm not really here like I used to be......thanks. Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988. In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm. Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time). 5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014) 12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs. My last psycho med ever! Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to 2016 Dec 16, medication free!! Longer signature post here, with current supplements. Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016. And.....I quit smoking 11/2021. Lapsed. Redo of quit smoking 9/28/2022. Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜 None of my posts are intended as medical advice. Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. My success story: Blue skies ahead, clear sailing Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus manymoretodays Posted November 28, 2015 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted November 28, 2015 So sorry. I will just read. Late 2023- gone to emeritus status, inactive, don't @ me, I can check who I've posted on, and I'm not really here like I used to be......thanks. Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988. In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm. Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time). 5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014) 12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs. My last psycho med ever! Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to 2016 Dec 16, medication free!! Longer signature post here, with current supplements. Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016. And.....I quit smoking 11/2021. Lapsed. Redo of quit smoking 9/28/2022. Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜 None of my posts are intended as medical advice. Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. My success story: Blue skies ahead, clear sailing Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus KarenB Posted November 28, 2015 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted November 28, 2015 Manymoretodays - don't worry about that. Your feelings about what you miss are as valid as any other's feelings. Post whenever you have something to share, just like we all do. 2010 Fluoxetine 20mg. 2011 Escitalopram 20mg. 2013 Tapered badly and destabilised CNS. Effexor 150mg. 2015 Begin using info at SurvivingAntidepressants. Cut 10% - bad w/d 2 months, held 1 month. Micro-tapering: four weekly 0.4% cuts, hold 4 weeks (struggling with symptoms). 8 month hold. 2017 Micro-tapering: four weekly 1% cuts, hold 4 weeks (symptoms almost non-existent). 2020 Still micro-tapering. Just over 2/3 of the way off effexor. Minimal symptoms, - and sleeping well. Supplements: Fish oil, vitamin C, iron, oat-straw tea, nettle tea. 2023 December - Now on 5 micro-beads Effexor. Minimal symptoms but much more time needed between drops. Symptoms begin to increase. 2024 April - Updosed to 6 microbeads - immediate increase in symptoms for 4 days. Decreased to 5 microbeads. 'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.' Dr Gabor Mate. Link to comment
Rachelina Posted November 28, 2015 Author Share Posted November 28, 2015 Yes Manymoretodays, I really appreciate your thoughts, they are as welcome as anyone's. I too am trying to replace fear with faith. Thank you for the encouragement. Wishing you healing. Brassmonkey that would be fine. I'm so honored that you found something valuable in what I wrote. Trying to get off Paxil since 2007. Was tapering by 0.1 mg every 4-5 weeks. Had awful crash in November 2015 at .5 mg; updosed gradually to 2 mg. Doing better and tapering again, much slower this time. 2016: Dropped from 2 mg to 1.62 mg. 2017: 1.62 mg to 1.2 mg. 2018: 1.2 mg to .76 mg. 2019: .76 mg to .56 mg. 2020: .56 mg to .33 mg. 2021: .33 mg to .13 mg. 2022: .13 mg to .03 mg. 6/12/23 .002 mg. OFF PAXIL 9/4/23 Started Klonopin in November 2015 to deal with crash. 1/10/16 started milk titration taper from .5 mg. Finished taper 12/6/17. Still take Klonopin for agoraphobia 2 - 3 times a week. Link to comment
redangel Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 Our spirituality is found in the frontal lobes of our brains. I believe this has been damaged by our use of ad's. But I do believe sooner or later this will also heal. There are games to play online that are supposed to heal our frontal lobes. Just type in games to heal the frontal lobe of our brains. Also listening to classical music is supposed to help with this healing. I was told to listen for at least one hour a day. Really listen, not just have it on. Hope this helps. Im also a Christian that has lost touch with that side of me and am going to do all I can to get it back! Started on ad's in the mid 90's. Amitriptyline , prozac , Wellbutrin, 'zoloft, effexor, trazodone, remeron, Paxil, cymbalta xanax, buspar, lyrica, gabapentin, sam e, 5htp, L tryptophan, There were other ad's but I cant remember them all. Ambien, lunesta, cyclobenzaprine, levothyroxine Last ad was Paxil, 60 mg. I did a 6mt tapor, Only meds at this time is the levothyroxine, fish oil, folic acid, and unisom Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus manymoretodays Posted November 28, 2015 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted November 28, 2015 The other post magically disappeared. Lol. No worries. I am on a posting less quest. It's hard to know what giving support means. Totally agree and sympathize? Give ideas that might PO someone? Share ones own experiences? Lead a discussion in another direction? I like this discussion. Late 2023- gone to emeritus status, inactive, don't @ me, I can check who I've posted on, and I'm not really here like I used to be......thanks. Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988. In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm. Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time). 5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014) 12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs. My last psycho med ever! Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to 2016 Dec 16, medication free!! Longer signature post here, with current supplements. Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016. And.....I quit smoking 11/2021. Lapsed. Redo of quit smoking 9/28/2022. Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜 None of my posts are intended as medical advice. Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. My success story: Blue skies ahead, clear sailing Link to comment
Moderator brassmonkey Posted November 29, 2015 Moderator Share Posted November 29, 2015 Support is all of those things and more and less. Often it is just acknowledge a person by posting "Hi, I'm thinking about you". 20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013. Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks. The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better. Final Dose 0.016mg. Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017 "It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general." Stephen Hawking Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus KarenB Posted November 29, 2015 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted November 29, 2015 I think it means hearing the other person, and acknowledging that this is how they feel. That is support. We might then choose to share our own experience/thoughts about it, but hopefully we do this in a way which neither discourages them from sharing nor discounts their perspective. I don't think being supportive means to necessarily be in agreement. It's just a matter of finding respectful ways of sharing what we think. A lot of healing can happen for a person when they feel heard and understood, so I tend to think this is a vital part of communicating. Of course all this gets trickier in writing. Even when I have the best intentions and think about my words carefully I can still get caught out and cause misunderstandings . 2010 Fluoxetine 20mg. 2011 Escitalopram 20mg. 2013 Tapered badly and destabilised CNS. Effexor 150mg. 2015 Begin using info at SurvivingAntidepressants. Cut 10% - bad w/d 2 months, held 1 month. Micro-tapering: four weekly 0.4% cuts, hold 4 weeks (struggling with symptoms). 8 month hold. 2017 Micro-tapering: four weekly 1% cuts, hold 4 weeks (symptoms almost non-existent). 2020 Still micro-tapering. Just over 2/3 of the way off effexor. Minimal symptoms, - and sleeping well. Supplements: Fish oil, vitamin C, iron, oat-straw tea, nettle tea. 2023 December - Now on 5 micro-beads Effexor. Minimal symptoms but much more time needed between drops. Symptoms begin to increase. 2024 April - Updosed to 6 microbeads - immediate increase in symptoms for 4 days. Decreased to 5 microbeads. 'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.' Dr Gabor Mate. Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus manymoretodays Posted November 29, 2015 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted November 29, 2015 Thanks. Good thoughts. Nice thread on various spiritual crises that arise during withdrawal. Late 2023- gone to emeritus status, inactive, don't @ me, I can check who I've posted on, and I'm not really here like I used to be......thanks. Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988. In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm. Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time). 5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014) 12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs. My last psycho med ever! Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to 2016 Dec 16, medication free!! Longer signature post here, with current supplements. Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016. And.....I quit smoking 11/2021. Lapsed. Redo of quit smoking 9/28/2022. Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜 None of my posts are intended as medical advice. Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. My success story: Blue skies ahead, clear sailing Link to comment
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