Destroyed: destroyed by olanzapine

[Destroyed]

Hello

 

I am Sam.  I am 44 and was a mother to 3 sons until I stupidly went to hospital in may 2012 with stress and self harm.  got diagnosed with depression and psychosis total rubbish.  Prescribed Olayynzapine and anti  depressants and they simply melted my brain.  I didn't know what I was taking because I was too stressed to find out.  I got put iin hospital by my ex who treated me very badly.  Well what haven't I lost.  100% emotions gone, 100% motivation gone, 90% memory gone, 100% appetite gone, 90% sleep gone, no hobbies or interests, eyes changed colour,, veins shrunk, heart rate of 110, looks changed enormously.  As a result of al this I have lost my sons, home and business.  I have been given virtually every drug out there and even ECT and I am still in hospital no longer on meds as they agree there have been side effects but wont use the term brain damage. And I do have brain damage.  Every day is spent wasted laying iin bed and smoking unable to enjoy life to any degree or able to think.  I have tried to kill myself 11 times but I am still sadly here.  I gave up going to church as God and Jesus clearly hate me. I try vitamin tablets omega 3, sepia, dr bath salt listening to music.  Nothing works.  I still very much want to die.  Why has this drug done this to me?  How dare  Eli Lilly and my old Dr treat me like ****.  I used to be a very happy creative woman a good mother lots of friends and this drug has reduced me to a vegetable.  I battle evil thoughts.  I do things even though my brain doesn't want to.  I  am sick to death of being like this I cry for my sons having to watch their mother reduced to a silent ghost who is simply dying.  who else is out there like me that has recovered from this seriously life changing evil poison?  I make  it quite clear if I don't recover in some shape or form I am going to kill myself and do it properly this time because all I have become is a voice as a warning not to take Olanzapine.

[Marsha]

Hello

 

I am Sam.  I am 44 and was a mother to 3 sons until I stupidly went to hospital in may 2012 with stress and self harm.  got diagnosed with depression and psychosis total rubbish.  Prescribed Olayynzapine and anti  depressants and they simply melted my brain.  I didn't know what I was taking because I was too stressed to find out.  I got put iin hospital by my ex who treated me very badly.  Well what haven't I lost.  100% emotions gone, 100% motivation gone, 90% memory gone, 100% appetite gone, 90% sleep gone, no hobbies or interests, eyes changed colour,, veins shrunk, heart rate of 110, looks changed enormously.  As a result of al this I have lost my sons, home and business.  I have been given virtually every drug out there and even ECT and I am still in hospital no longer on meds as they agree there have been side effects but wont use the term brain damage. And I do have brain damage.  Every day is spent wasted laying iin bed and smoking unable to enjoy life to any degree or able to think.  I have tried to kill myself 11 times but I am still sadly here.  I gave up going to church as God and Jesus clearly hate me. I try vitamin tablets omega 3, sepia, dr bath salt listening to music.  Nothing works.  I still very much want to die.  Why has this drug done this to me?  How dare  Eli Lilly and my old Dr treat me like ****.  I used to be a very happy creative woman a good mother lots of friends and this drug has reduced me to a vegetable.  I battle evil thoughts.  I do things even though my brain doesn't want to.  I  am sick to death of being like this I cry for my sons having to watch their mother reduced to a silent ghost who is simply dying.  who else is out there like me that has recovered from this seriously life changing evil poison?  I make  it quite clear if I don't recover in some shape or form I am going to kill myself and do it properly this time because all I have become is a voice as a warning not to take Olanzapine.

hi Sam and welcome. I am fairly new here but I can tell you that I definitely understand what you are going through. I have been on Olanzapine and many other drugs like it. They have done the same thing to me. I have thought of suicide many times but I am still here. Are you in hospital right now? If you are feeling suicidal and not in the hospital please call or go to the hospital and tell them your experience with psychiatric drugs so they won't try to give you any. Please please you have to live! You will be able to endure it. I am the voice of experience. We care very much for you here and want you to live. Where there is life there is hope. You can endure this. There are multitudes who have recovered and I am recovering. I was on several drugs at the same time and thought of suicide many times but I have been helped by many different people both here and other websites as well. You are not alone here. We are all recovering together. Someone with more experience should be along shortly so please please you just have to live. You will recover! I am here if you need me.

[Destroyed]

Locked up in hospital under a section.  Tonight I have a pain in my jaw. I think I am going to have a heart attack.  I don't think there is long left now. I cant hang on anymore.

[oskcajga]

Destroyed is probably the most pessimistic name I've seen on here

 

So you were taking zyprexa and a coctail of antidepressants PLUS ECT?

 

That's quite a lot of trauma for the brain to handle.

 

The good news is that you are no longer taking anything, so over time your brain will heal itself from the damage that these treatments caused.  

 

How long has it been since you stopped taking the medication?

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Destroyed.

 

This is a site for going off psychiatric drugs. What we see is that, once off the drugs, people generally heal very slowly, in frustrating fits and starts, but they do heal.

 

You will need to take care of yourself, make your body healthy, and behave in a way that will keep you out of the hospital and unmedicated. If you attempt to kill yourself or publicly threaten to do so, you'll go back into "the system" again.

 

Only you can supply the will and determination to do this. Despite the pain in your history, you need to look forward and not backward into the abyss.

 

Are you off all drugs now? Are you able to take care of yourself, eating well and avoiding things that will hurt the health of your body?

[Destroyed]

Off everything for over 2 months. Havent been on Olanzapine for 3 half years but it was that that did the damage.  I can't eat anymore because I don't have an appetite and if I do it is only 2 or 3 times a week.  It is utterly depressing.  I lay in bed from 6pm at night trying to sleep and probably get 3 hours.  I still dream that is the only normal thing. But I am NEVER tired.  My brain will not switch off.  |What hope is there for me, I have been this way for 3 half years now.  My kids say Ive been poisoned which is true.  I wouldn't even share a picture of myself with you as you would be shocked at how terrible I look.  All the other drugs I have been on include Respirodol. Quatepine. Lithium. Sertraline. Mertazapine. Sodium Valporate. Lamotrogine. Lorazepam. Depixol. Flupentixol.  All of them were totally uneccesary and just did more and more damage. There is nothing left of my brain. Im surprised I can still operate a PC never mind walk.  I see other people in here on all sorts of concotions of drugs and they aren't affected like I am. That really pisses me off. 

[Marsha]

Hi destroyed. Many of us have or are dealing with the anger at what has been done to us by psychiatric drugs. I have been profoundly affected both physically and mentally from two decades of being what amounts to a guinea pig being experimented on. But I try not to dwell on the past. That is water under the bridge. What is important is that I am recovering from these injustices. There are many many recovery stories from people who have been injured by these drugs. Many who have been injured like you and me. It takes time, but I am now functional more than I have been for a long time. Please follow Altostrata's and the moderators advice. You will recover.

[JanCarol]

Hey De - 

 

I fully believe you can recover.  It was only 2 months ago - even if it seems like you've been harmed forever - it will take some time.

 

The brain is amazing.  It can recover from stroke, even portions of the brain can be removed, and the brain can "rewire" around great big holes in the head.  It's called "neuroplasticity."

 

But you will need to take care of your body first.  Please stay on the fish oil, as that is most helpful for brain injuries.  Work on getting regular meals with veggies and proteins (meat protein is good for your brain, too, but in moderation).  Maybe learn about the Paleo lifestyle, to help guide you to rebuilding your brain.  

 

I personally know people who have been on cocktails and drug switches as extreme as yours, and they are living life.  It is possible.  But first you need to get through the withdrawal, and that will take time.

 

What was the last drug cocktail you were on, when you quit 2 months ago?

[Petunia]

Hello Sam,

I'm so sorry this has been done to you, unfortunately we hear stories similar to yours all too often here. I know how difficult it is when so much has been taken away, its hard to look forward and see anything positive in the future. I've been there. My history is a little different from yours, but I've also lost a lot and have had to come to terms with it, let it go and find a way to look forward.

 

Previous responses here are pointing you towards looking ahead, moving forward, taking positive action in order to help yourself and I agree, this is the way you will survive and pull yourself out of this.

 

It might not seem like it now, but you have one very big point in your favor, you are drug free, your brain has already started its healing journey back to normality. I've been drug free for just over 2 years now, its been a slow process of recovery, but I'm much better now than I was 2 years ago. I also didn't want to live any more, but I sure do now.

 

You can get through this and you don't have to do it alone, there is a whole community here walking the same difficult path of recovery from damage done by these drugs. Our stories are all different, but we have all lost aspects of our health and our lives through trusting doctors and the medical profession.

 

Here is a link to a blog written by someone who also had severe iatrogenic damage caused by psyche drugs, she is now well on her way to recovery and living a happy and rewarding life. I'm linking to part of the blog I think may be most helpful to you at the moment, but do explore the rest of it, there is an incredible amount of inspiring and helpful information.

 

It Gets Better: the series

[Destroyed]

Well i.dont remember the last cocktail of drugs but I have been off drugs for over 3 months. The crippling diahorrea has gone. One thing I

Am really upset.about is not just losing my sons but my love of music. Totally gone. Again I have laid awake for 3 hours waiting to smoke something else I didn't used to do. How does my brain heal itself if I can't sleep?

[Destroyed]

Today as uusual I am laying in bed listening to music and smoking.  Eevery day is like this.  Why doesn't my brain function anymore. Why is it so badly damaged.  Why have other people got their lives and are getting on with it.  Why is my ex living his life after what he did to me.  Why did I take those poisonous pills out of ignorance. Why should I die because of these pills.   Why do God amd jesus hate me so much. I hate them too.

[apace41]

Destroyed,

 

What happened to you sucks. Point blank, no sugar-coating. But, unfortunately, and not to minimize it, "it is what it is." As Robert Frost famously penned, "the only way around is through." If you wanted to kill yourself 11 times and are still with us, somebody didn't want you to die. My guess is that somebody is you.

 

Your life, as always, is in your hands. If you want to heal you can. Will it take time? Yes. Will it be hard? Yes. Will it be worth it? Only you can judge that. Read the success stories. You are not the worst story we've ever seen and others have healed.

 

If you want this for your sons you need to do the work. You can but you need to want this more than anything you've ever done before. Any if the "why am I worse than others" and "why did this happen to me" thoughts are part of withdrawal, but need to be cut off and replaced with more positive thoughts, "it sucks this happened but I will beat this and revel in my health."

 

Good luck Destroyed. We can support you if you are willing to do your part. If you are going to come on and bemoan your fate, that won't work.

 

Sorry to be so direct, but I'm telling you what you NEED to hear.

 

Good luck,

 

Andy

[mm100]

I'm confused about your drug history..you have been off antipsychotics for nearly 4 years with no improvement?

[Destroyed]

Yes no olanz for 3half years no improvement. I am trying my best.

[Destroyed]

To Andy. Thanks for your words. I had every intention of killing myself it just never worked. You see for the last there years I have been living without emotions limited memory no motivation and poor sleep. What have others done to recover cost I just can't tolerate this. I am trying everything but nothing works.

[Marsha]

Hi Sam. Have you explored the link that Petunia sent you in her post? I go there all the time for encouragement because I am STILL in the process of coming off antipsychotic drugs and benzodiazepines as well as another drug which was used off-label. Your sleep architecture will return. It takes time. Time is what we have isn't it. I am confident that I will heal one way or another. You will heal too.

[mm100]

Sorry if I upset you...so you stopped the olanzapine nearly 4 years ago and never felt emotion..what was your drug history after this?

[Destroyed]

Read previous post re drugs. Yes Marsha had a look at the link. The problem is with food I do not have any appetite and am never tired. Not good.

[Marsha]

Hi. Sam. Did you notice from the it gets better link that Monica Cassani the lady who writes the website did not have an appetite for a long time and that her sleep went from 0-2 hours ffor a few years to 2-4 hours for a few years to4-6 hours and occasionally more? So she did recover her sleep. And she is able to eat again. I also must force myself to eat. I have no aappetite. Many here are experiencing insomnia for extended periods. Also loss of appetite. Many are dealing with multiple symptoms. We are all in this together. Stay with us and learn how to heal.

[Destroyed]

Dear marsha

 

This morning my appetite isback again so I shall eat.  Yesterday I did some dancing but it didn't make me feel good. Sleep is about 4 hours.  Have you lost your emotions and memories and motivation like me?  what have others lost please?  Thank you.

[AliG]

Sam,

I'm so sorry for what the medical / psychiatric profession has inflicted on you . I think you have been strong to get this far, despite the odds. You are in a good place for support , encouragement and empathy. There are many here ( including myself )  who can identify and empathize , with your situation . There are many degrees of this drug inflicted "horror," and most of us have suffered it to one extent or the other. I hope now that you're here ,that you can begin the process of healing , in an educated and supportive environment. We do lose a lot of ourselves to these drugs , but the process of healing can be a journey that brings more awareness and compassion to our lives , that we might not have had previously, without this experience. I like to think so , anyway. I know it's tough, but I do like to at least acknowledge a possible, positive side to this. Sometimes , it's very hard to see, but we have to keep pushing through, regardless.  Wishing you well. 

 

Ali

[Destroyed]

I took some advice from here and took a walk round the garden several times.  For the first time my legs ache and I feel a little tired, a first for me in 3 half years.  I had 2 bowls of cereal.  When the emotions motivation and memories come back I will know that I am truly recovering.  For the first time I consider myself in recovery, not dying.

[AliG]

Hi Sam,

 

Do you think you're up to doing your drug history yet ?  I know it's probably overwhelming , but at some stage soon, it would be helpful .  This is the link :

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/893-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/

 

I'm pleased you're feeling a touch , better. 

 

Ali.

[Destroyed]

Have a look at my profile it's on there. I have no idea of the dates.

[apace41]

Sam,

 

People come here for help and the people on this board want to help them. There are unfortunately hundreds of people on this board. The bare minimum people seeking help need to do is fill out their history to the best of their ability. You are hurting but so are a lot of others. Nobody is going to "go to your profile" to get information. This is a two way street.

 

Glad to see you are making some small progress. Interacting here may be one of the reasons.

 

Andy

[Destroyed]

I have already listed the drugs in this thread.  I have been laying in bed thinking about Eli Lilly and all the other big pharmas and what they do.  They sit there thinking of ways to destroy peoples lives. I know, they think lets take as many mums and dads away from their kids. Lets rob them of their souls and personalities jobs and home.  Lets pay as many psychiatrists as possible to peddle this filth down peoples throats no matter what the consequences.  I have no return against the psych that did this to me because the ***** has retired.  I wrote her a hate letter once but I bet she was prevented from reading it.  So Eli Lilly you rob me of my freedom and my life and you have no right to destroy me with your poisonous **** and I am fighting back just like everybody else on here.  Note that none of us can be bothered to sue you because we just want a decent quality of life which we are all entitled to.  So we all help each oother the best way possible and forward.  Yes I am seeing 2 of my 3 sons this afternoon it will be very hard as it always is, but oone day that will change because change is what I am entitled to.  Ive dumped Jesus and God and going to church, thrown the crosses and the bible in the bin.  This site is my bible and my mantra.  Its just you and me folks.

[AliG]

Sam,

 

If it's just you and me , folks, maybe you could be a little more polite . 

 

Ali

[apace41]

I have already listed the drugs in this thread.  I have been laying in bed thinking about Eli Lilly and all the other big pharmas and what they do.  They sit there thinking of ways to destroy peoples lives. I know, they think lets take as many mums and dads away from their kids. Lets rob them of their souls and personalities jobs and home.  Lets pay as many psychiatrists as possible to peddle this filth down peoples throats no matter what the consequences.  I have no return against the psych that did this to me because the ***** has retired.  I wrote her a hate letter once but I bet she was prevented from reading it.  So Eli Lilly you rob me of my freedom and my life and you have no right to destroy me with your poisonous **** and I am fighting back just like everybody else on here.  Note that none of us can be bothered to sue you because we just want a decent quality of life which we are all entitled to.  So we all help each oother the best way possible and forward.  Yes I am seeing 2 of my 3 sons this afternoon it will be very hard as it always is, but oone day that will change because change is what I am entitled to.  Ive dumped Jesus and God and going to church, thrown the crosses and the bible in the bin.  This site is my bible and my mantra.  Its just you and me folks.

 

Destroyed,

 

You are entitled to how you feel about big Pharma.  There are a lot of people on this site who share that view.

 

I would only caution you that healing takes all the energy you have.  Wasting your energy on hate and the thought of revenge is probably misplaced.  You are, of course, free to do as you wish -- just some food for thought.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[Marsha]

Dear marsha

 

This morning my appetite isback again so I shall eat.  Yesterday I did some dancing but it didn't make me feel good. Sleep is about 4 hours.  Have you lost your emotions and memories and motivation like me?  what have others lost please?  Thank you.[/quote. Hi Sam. Yes, I have lost my emotions, memories, motivation, ability to feel aroused sexually, etc. Now, the ability to cry has come back. I cry about what has been done to me but I also cry tears of hope that I will eventually get all my emotions, memories, etc back and be fully healed. Knowing that others, many others in very similar circumstances, have recovered helps to keep me going. I have felt the anger you feel against Big Pharma, and the doctor's who did this to me. But I have had to let go of it because it is counterproductive to my road to recovery. Yes, I have felt that bitterness that you feel. It occasionally rears it's head, but I make myself think of the future when I know I will be drug free and healed. We are not alone Sam. Have you read aria's recovery story? It's in the successful recovery topic. I read it over and over again. It's important that you try to fill out your drug signature. If you can't remember the last drugs you were on and the dates you stopped, perhaps the hospital you are in has recorded it. Or the pharmacy where you got your drugs from will have a record. Are you allowed telephone privileges? Can you remember where you last got your drugs from? This information is very helpful to the moderators and the rest of us members. Please stay with us Sam.

[JanCarol]

what have others lost please?  

 

We prefer to focus on what others have regained.  If you look around the http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/604-important-topics-about-symptoms-including-sleep-problems/ You will see a whole range of symptoms that people have suffered.

 

There's even a chart - you can print out a bunch and keep track of your progress.  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2390-dr-joseph-glenmullens-withdrawal-symptom-checklist/

 

For you, specifically, you should identify with:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2873-anhedonia-apathy-demotivation/

 

I've been numb, felt nothing, cared about nothing myself.  Was like that for years, but didn't know it.  I thought it was just "depression," and it ended up getting another drug added to my load.  It took at least a year of tapering before I started to see that lift.

 

Again I have laid awake for 3 hours waiting to smoke something else I didn't used to do. 

 

This won't help, and, in fact, can make things worse.  While you aren't a "vulnerable teenager," you've been on the drugs long enough that you are vulnerable anyway.  Are you sure you want to risk this - it could mean a trip to Emergency with florid hallucinations, where they will just say "psychotic" and you could end up on depot shots.  I'm not sure how that works in the UK, but it could happen easily in the USA, Ireland or Australia - so I'm betting it's similar.

 

Have a look at my profile it's on there. I have no idea of the dates. 

 

It is important to us, to be able to help you, to figure out any patterns that might help you.  Please, look around the house for old scripts, anything to tell us. Marsha has excellent suggestions on how to get your pharmacy information.   What we need most in your signature is:  dates you were on olanzapine, "last cocktail you were on", roughly how long you were on it, and the date you went off.  

 

Knowing the contents of that cocktail can help us to see how your symptoms tie in with your journey.  It is important.  It is important that it is in your signature line, so we can see it on every post, not have to go scrolling through your profile every time we want to remember (from the hundreds who are here) "who is this?  what has happened here?"

 

Failure to do so means you will get ignored by mods, as we don't have time to "look it up" every time.  It is one of the rules, put your history up asap.  How to complete your Signature or Complete your Signature from Phone or Tablet

 

Are you still sectioned?  Have they given you drugs?  Do you have the right to refuse drugs?  What is happening?  

 

While it's great you have a place that understands you, it is important to focus on the information if you want any help here.

 

Next up:  My post on "getting caught."

[JanCarol]

Sam, you got caught.  You got sectioned.

 

If you want to get well, it is important to not GET CAUGHT.

 

I believe in "mental diversity" (that is what I learned from Will Hall, a link that Alto gave you).  You can believe in whatever you want, and listen to whomever you want, but and discuss things here - but when your behaviour crosses a certain line, you GET CAUGHT.  One of the early goals is to learn what behaviours get you CAUGHT and never go there.  Yelling loudly in public places or at people.  Hiding on store shelves behind the merchandise.  Threatening behaviour (even if it is harmless, it makes people uncomfortable).  Publicly proclaiming your deep spiritual belief and asking others to join you in your revelation.  Public self harm.  Crying loudly in a public place but not talking to anyone for hours.  These are just a few examples that I personally have experienced with myself and close loved ones.  If you are sectioned, you did something to GET CAUGHT.

 

Look at the connection between your behaviours, and what has happened to you.  Learn how to not do it again.

 

[Muddles]

I have all of those symptoms and more. I'm so sorry. It's in-humane. You have to fight. We never know what's around the corner. Thinking of you.

[Destroyed]

I have done my signature so you can all see what drugs I have been given.  Small breakthroughs since last post; can feel the cold again and I wake up in the night hungry.  The appetite is back all the time now.  Am considering doing Yoga.  Ocassionaly I feel tired but can't switch off because I am not used to feeling tired.   Working on the memory loss and motivation, the anhdonia will probably be the last thing to go.

[Altostrata]

As you can see, Destroyed, progress is little by little. Be sure to get some gentle exercise each day and eat healthy foods three times a day, with plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables. Perhaps your meals will be small at first. Take care of yourself and note the times when you feel better rather than dwelling on injury, which keeps your nervous system from developing new connections.

[Destroyed]

Some old memories have come back and Istill havent lost my appetite.  This afternoon I am going out with my 21 year old son and I think we shall go for a long walk somewhere but I dont know where to yet.  Yesterday I printed off a picture of a Tibetan Monk and put it on the cupboard by the bed.  The psychologist has given me a sleep diary to pinpoint problems with sleep it includes things like how much tea or coffee |I have had, what time I went to bed, what I did before I went to bed and how many times I woke up in the night.  This morning I feel like crying over nothing when normally I only cry when I hear songs.  This is all good.

[Destroyed]

I have a whole host of symptoms caused by drugs but one of the worst is demotivation.  I am  only motivated to get better.  Right now a nurse just wanted to know what I was doing on here and I think they want to stop me from getting help, they are anti self help and I am sick of it.   I am trying to motivate myself for my children and my Mum and if they can;t motivate me then what can.  Please, what have others done to get their motivation back?   I have to force myself to do everything; eat, exercise, wash, go on the internet, go out.  This is just hopeless.