Barbarannamated: pain<-->depression...chicken<-->egg

April 19, 2012

Things are getting worse on the homefront - husband is getting verbally aggressive - alot of yelling and swearing - losing his temper -

It's obviously withdrawal but he won't discuss - any question is answered with 'i don't know' and no further answer or discussion (this is not new)-

Extremely stressful -

about me · April 19, 2012

Things are getting worse on the homefront - husband is getting verbally aggressive - alot of yelling and swearing - losing his temper -

It's obviously withdrawal but he won't discuss - any question is answered with 'i don't know' and no further answer or discussion (this is not new)-

Extremely stressful -

Barb, This sounds dreadful.. and I'm sure you are very stressed. Is he accusing you of being the cause, are you safe physically. Has your husband been this way before with you. I'm concerned for you.

April 19, 2012

Yes, it is extremely stressful. The yelling and use of F word is new since he DCd Effexor. I never knew him before SS/NRIs, but have never heard of any anger or temper issues. He has been extremely unemotional and 'controlled' in the 17 years we've been together, so this seems to clearly be withdrawal. I recognize it because I went through the same and still have some spurts of anger. He has never been physically aggressive and I'm not fearing that but realize the unpredictability involved where SS/NRIs are involved (starting or stopping).

He won't discuss anything and is blaming me for things that arise. Last nite, he was watching TV in one room. I went into bedroom in next room to watch different TV. I asked him to turn down his TV b/c it was drowning out mine. He came in and said I was going to have to turn up my TV so it is audible. I replied that it IS at audible level for me and he said 'well then well have to rip it out of the wall so we don't have a problem.' He has a hearing aid but will not wear it at home.

I'm trying to stay calm and vigilant at same time. The added stress is really working on me and increasing pain level. It is the change in behavior that is disturbing. This might be a usual level of noise and word usage in some homes, but dramatically different for us. The poor dogs don't know what's going on and they're cowering.

I'm preparing to remove myself from the situation.

My Golden Eagles are watching over me. :-) I expect the Audubon brigade will show up soon. Just sent pics after receiving CC of message between them expressing doubt but that 'stranger things have happened.' Husband reacted outrageously to that, too. The head wildlife biologist has been to our property in past when his wife's horse was here. It's an unusual stand of very tall evergreen trees in an otherwise barren area. We have a flock of wild parrots, too.

On a good note, I got word that my benefits were reinstated - YEAH!!

Thanks, Schuyler.

April 19, 2012

Two people going through withdrawal at once... OOOUUUCH. That sounds like a really stressful situation! I hope you can find a safe space for yourself somehow!

April 19, 2012

Barb,

I am so sorry you are going through this and wish I could get you out of there. I know how bad verbal abuse can be. It leaves scars and wounds that never go away. I've had pets that were scared because they didn't understand, in the past. I HOPE you are physically safe. I'm very concerned for you, too because like you said WD is very unpredictable. Thank goodness, I talked my husband out of taking more than three pills of Cymbalta. I'd warn anyone, even a foe, of the dangers of ADs. My husband has mellowed out now that he is secure knowing he's STUCK w me. I only wish your husband would mellow out as well. You don't deserve to be put through this.

I'm happy to hear that your benefits have been reinstated. At least that's one stress, removed. It's hard to pay medical expenses these days, I know this factually. I hope things get better for you at home.

Love,

T

April 19, 2012

Hey Barb,

You really must remove yourself from the situation. It sounds like he is out of control and even if he would discuss it, I don't know what you could say to change his behavior. Threatening to rip a television off of the wall to solve a problem of sound ... not good.

It is great that your benefits were reinstated ... does that give him any relief?

Thinking of you,love and light,

Karma

about me · April 19, 2012

I'm trying to stay calm and vigilant at same time. The added stress is really working on me and increasing pain level. It is the change in behavior that is disturbing. This might be a usual level of noise and word usage in some homes, but dramatically different for us. The poor dogs don't know what's going on and they're cowering.

I'm preparing to remove myself from the situation.

You get to the point where you wonder, which is it, your denial or me. You are thinking of temporarily bailing? I wonder if that would shake him out of his doldrums. You have to be at your wits end. Hope this does not sound sexist, but I think that when men.. (those over 50 at any rate), go into that world view/place in which they feel entitled to receive nurturance, dealing with the situation can be dreadfully difficult.

My Golden Eagles are watching over me. :-) I expect the Audubon brigade will show up soon. Just sent pics after receiving CC of message between them expressing doubt but that 'stranger things have happened.' Husband reacted outrageously to that, too. The head wildlife biologist has been to our property in past when his wife's horse was here. It's an unusual stand of very tall evergreen trees in an otherwise barren area. We have a flock of wild parrots, too.

Set the eagles loose on hubby! Not so much the parrots. <_<

On a good note, I got word that my benefits were reinstated - YEAH!!

YEAH back at ya!

April 20, 2012

Thanks Karma and Schuyler and Tezza and Nadia,

Yesterday was relatively calm but ramping up again today. I'm holding tension in my whole body waiting for the next outburst. Got neighbors in the loop to care for horses, feed delivered and then one pulled up very lame just now. I think I can fix him.

Trying to break my pain cycle from last week when doc didn't call back for days.

I realized there is something more going on than hearing loss and drugs w/husband. Not sure what it's called aside from hearing my voice when I didn't say anything. We had a brief exchange (I hesitate to say 'conversation') and a few minutes later, he said I said 'no no no' to him in answer to something. I didn't say or think anything like that. He seemed to be anticipating a negative response and actually thought I said it. Extremely disturbing. I know I must get out. As I think back, I realize this explains many perplexing moments in the past.

Huge relief to have benefits reinstated! Funny thing... I had no income for 2 weeks and now it seems like more money. Everything is relative.

about me · April 20, 2012

I'm holding tension in my whole body waiting for the next outburst. Got neighbors in the loop to care for horses, feed delivered and then one pulled up very lame just now. I think I can fix him.

Trying to break my pain cycle from last week when doc didn't call back for days.

Glad you can fix the horse, just hope you can do same for you, get out of the pain cycle that fired up.

He said I said 'no no no' to him in answer to something.Extremely disturbing. I know I must get out. As I think back, I realize this explains many perplexing moments in the past.

Thought it was something more, but did not want to say anything unless you introduced this first. Sorry to hear this. You must be very distressed. This has obviously been building up for some time, I wonder how far back you see the warning signs. I just read your post on hearing voices. There can be medical conditions that cause problems, or hearing loss itself. Deafness can be hugely disruptive psychologically. It's highly unlikely your husband would develop a psychotic disorder so late in life unless there were physical changes that underlay the problem.

He needs a good medical checkup with someone who is highly competent.. but my guess is you know this. Did he get the apt he said he missed with his doc rescheduled. You were thinking of calling the doc to give him a heads up? That might be a place to start. Hope your husband is not so tied to his negativity he can't see the need for treatment.

Huge relief to have benefits reinstated! Funny thing... I had no income for 2 weeks and now it seems like more money. Everything is relative.

Glad that is off your mind in any case. At least you don't have that battle to fight on top of everything else.

April 20, 2012

Thanks Karma and Schuyler and Tezza and Nadia,

Yesterday was relatively calm but ramping up again today. I'm holding tension in my whole body waiting for the next outburst. Got neighbors in the loop to care for horses, feed delivered and then one pulled up very lame just now. I think I can fix him.

Trying to break my pain cycle from last week when doc didn't call back for days.

I realized there is something more going on than hearing loss and drugs w/husband. Not sure what it's called aside from hearing my voice when I didn't say anything. We had a brief exchange (I hesitate to say 'conversation') and a few minutes later, he said I said 'no no no' to him in answer to something. I didn't say or think anything like that. He seemed to be anticipating a negative response and actually thought I said it. Extremely disturbing. I know I must get out. As I think back, I realize this explains many perplexing moments in the past.

Huge relief to have benefits reinstated! Funny thing... I had no income for 2 weeks and now it seems like more money. Everything is relative.

It's an audio hallucination. It's what started me on the antidepressants. I would hear voices telling me I was worthless and I should kill myself. I haven't heard any in a long time.

April 21, 2012

Thanks for the input,everyone. Having a really rough time with evenings getting worse.

April 21, 2012

Horse is not doing well. I havent been able to care for them properly and feeling very guilty. Im also tied to home with them. Am thinking of putting the 2 older ones down and a trainer friend will take the 3rd. Then ill feel free to go. This is so hard.

about me · April 21, 2012

Horse is not doing well. I havent been able to care for them properly and feeling very guilty. Im also tied to home with them. Am thinking of putting the 2 older ones down and a trainer friend will take the 3rd. Then ill feel free to go. This is so hard.

Hi Barb, I see you were posting into the late hours last night. I'm very sorry to hear about your horses.. very difficult. This has to be one of the hardest, if not the hardest times of your life. To leave your horse friends..words are not enough.

Are you getting support from real life friends? You said the neighbors are being understanding, but they will not be going with you. I'm glad to see the time of your leaving is imminent. That you have made a decision, a commitment to yourself. Verbal abuse is like sand under your feet. Slowly stealing everything of value. Some of the effects are in your face, but there is a less visible and more insidious erosion of confidence and your sense of worth.

The sadness is great now.. but you are getting to a place where you will be able to do things for you again, dawn lurks behind the dreadful storm clouds that now seem to fill the sky. Hoping you can find some peace in this day.. S

April 21, 2012

Horse is not doing well. I havent been able to care for them properly and feeling very guilty. Im also tied to home with them. Am thinking of putting the 2 older ones down and a trainer friend will take the 3rd. Then ill feel free to go. This is so hard.

Barb

I'm so sorry that you are having horse-worries on top of everything else. How old are the older ones? My sister has a retired cart pony that is about 24. She just enjoys munching on grass and getting brushed these days (the pony, not my sister ). Unfortunately my sister lost two of her mares last year. One got colic, became dehydrated, and never recovered and the other was having ulcer pain so bad she rolled in the pasture over night and tore up her intestines. My sister doesn't have children and her horses are like her children. It was a very difficult year. But she has made it through ... and so will you, no matter what you decide to do

Can your trainer friend not take the other two if you provide the feed? Are there any horse rescues where you can give up the older two? They have horse rescues out here where people can surrender the animals if they can no longer care for them. More humane for everyone involved - but there comes a time when putting them down is the most humane thing you can do.

Love and light,

Karma

April 21, 2012

Thank you Schuyler and Karma. Very emotional night and feeling 'hungover' today. Exhausted to the core.

April 23, 2012

I am absolutely miserable with hopelessness and pain. Took a low dose of Abilify which worked for me for awhile years ago.

We just had an earthquake and, as farfetched as it may be, I've wondered in past if I can 'sense' when these are coming like I do weather pressure changes. Im grasping at straws - always looking for a 'scientific reason' for extremes in mood.

The San Andreas fault runs through my neighborhood and I've studied horse/animal behavior in relation to quakes, power lines, etc. Sooo, it's a stretch, but not too far out of left field than my usual out of left field thinking. Deeeeep left field.

Unfortunately, took the Abilify a minute before the quake.

Just FYI

http://www.equine-behavior.com/Horse_and_the_22nd_sense1.htm

I feel like I should come with a warning sign at times like this.

about me · April 23, 2012

I am absolutely miserable with hopelessness and pain. Took a low dose of Abilify which worked for me for awhile years ago.

We just had an earthquake and, as farfetched as it may be, I've wondered in past if I can 'sense' when these are coming like I do weather pressure changes. Im grasping at straws - always looking for a 'scientific reason' for extremes in mood.

The San Andreas fault runs through my neighborhood and I've studied horse/animal behavior in relation to quakes, power lines, etc. Sooo, it's a stretch, but not too far out of left field than my usual out of left field thinking. Deeeeep left field.

Unfortunately, took the Abilify a minute before the quake.

Just FYI

http://www.equine-behavior.com/Horse_and_the_22nd_sense1.htm

I feel like I should come with a warning sign at times like this.

Hi Barbara.. chronic pain ekes away at our emotional strength until the means by which we cope take on a life of their own. Just don't beat yourself up over this. Fibro pain did really screwy things to my head when it was at it's worst.

I'm sorry to hear you are having so much. This can't be helping you in the other areas in which your struggling to cope. Keep posting, and know you will get warm replies here. ~S

April 23, 2012

Aw Barb, so sorry to catch up with you and hear your news, hope this passes soon for you, thinking of you and sending you healing thoughts my friend.

April 23, 2012

Thanks, Schuyler.

Head and neck pain is the dealbreaker for me. Tweaks my thinking/reasoning and ability to cope (which is already diminished). It's different than other body pain, not to diminish other pain, but have noticed a difference. Oddly, when I get massages, the therapists tell me I have really high pressure tolerance. I don't know how that relates, if at all, but always strikes me as odd.

Thanks again.

April 23, 2012

Barbarannamated,

Daisy

April 23, 2012

Hey Barb,

I'm sorry for your anguish. Many {{{HUGS}}} hopefully you will soon feel much better. You are always in my thoughts.

April 24, 2012

Thanks everyone. You keep me going. I have no life. It eroded away in all the years on drugs, losing career, many friends. How does one start a new life when feeling like this?? I dont have pieces to pick up; I have no pieces. Im sorry. Really in a bad place recently.

about me · April 24, 2012

Thanks everyone. You keep me going. I have no life. It eroded away in all the years on drugs, losing career, many friends. How does one start a new life when feeling like this?? I dont have pieces to pick up; I have no pieces. Im sorry. Really in a bad place recently.

Barb, Do you have anyone for real world support? You do have pieces, but they are not apparent right now. When you get to a place where you have enough energy to pick them up, you will start where you are.. it's not a matter of finding yourself again. You are all of a whole, just numb because so much effort has been going to tread water. ~S

PS.. pain in your face is so there, so 'in your face' it's hard to refocus on anything else. Cut yourself some slack, K?

April 24, 2012

Schuyler,

Only the husband, if that is 'support'. A few local friends by email. Others across country. In laws about an hour away and in Vegas. Really no day to day support. When Im in pain like this, I don't make it out of bed for days. Hard to see any light.

April 24, 2012

Oh gosh barb,

Perhaps you can go and stay with a friend for a while, you really need peace at the moment.

I do hope this horrible situation ends soon

Thinking of you xx

April 24, 2012

Sorry didn't read previous post of urs barb

Do hope you find a solution xxx

April 24, 2012

Thanks Tezza, Schuyler and Debbiejo. I will dig out of this negative cycle. I feel like I know what I have to do but finding energy and consecutive decent days has been a challenge. Hard to keep momentum in the right direction when each stressor feels magnified.

Break the bad cycle and keep the better cycle going. That is the goal.

I tried to change my life situation several times over the last 15 years, moved out a few times only to run into some roadblock that probably appeared larger than it really was. I feel like I was a broken record to my friends and stopped talking to them about it. I blamed my inability to follow thru on everything imaginable and now think the drugs played into it by blunting everything and causing some apathy. But when it all boils down, it's a scary move especially without a job or obvious place to go.

Husband's anger outbursts have calmed down.

xo

April 25, 2012

Thinking of you, Barb

Hang in there.

Karma

about me · April 25, 2012

But when it all boils down, it's a scary move especially without a job or obvious place to go.

Husband's anger outbursts have calmed down.

xo

Hmmm, I wonder the gravity of the situation finally got thru to your husband.

Guess the bottom line is, will your pain be better if you are on your own, or in your present living situation, and you are the only one who has that answer. You can get support here regardless of your decision.. but then you know that.

Hope today is better ~S

April 25, 2012

I love you all!!

April 26, 2012

I love you all!!

We love you right back

Karma

April 29, 2012

Good to hear husbands anger outbursts have calmed down, less pressure on you now I hope xx.

May 4, 2012

WARNING: rambling rant!

Having worst morning in a very long time. Severe agitation bordering on rage. Trying to pin down a trigger, but when I'm like this, everything feels like a trigger.

Got a wild hair last weekend and bought a VIP tkt to huge country music festival about an hour away. That in itself is bizarre because I HATED country music a year ago. I was alone in a massive crowd and it felt good. Enjoyed most of the music; some was annoyingly whiney. Sheryl Crow was worth every penney. There's an edgy sadness-turned-attitude about her. 'Step inside my skull...enjoy the show...' She's my age and rockin' on (very vocal about not being labeled 'country'). After 'My Favorite Mistake' she said under her breath 'that list is getting longer'. Didn't notice anyone around me responding, but I got a good laugh in that 'boy, can i relate' way! Sorry to bore with a play-by-play... music is speaking to me very loudly since DCing Pristiq. I used to listen to the music/tune but not the words. I didn't realize it until I began hearing words in last year. The waterworks came on during a few songs. Yep, good thing I was alone! I felt ok over the weekend aside from hurting feet from walking around for hours (sooo outa shape!). I sat near front/speakers and the loudness didn't bother me.

Came home to sick horse - lost weight in 2-3 days. Not unusual but very bad in geriatric horse, especially one who always bordered on overweight (Insulin Resistant). Rainy and foggy the last 3 days after weekend of 110° sunny weather. Could be cause of my mood. Feeling very sad and guilty about my horse. And trapped. He needs me and I need to get away from this black hole. Vet coming out today so I should know more. I guess it helps to know that he was abused in the showworld before I got him. They do horrendous things to Tennessee Walking Horses. I've been very involved in fighting the abuse at a national level, but it's a bit like the pharma situation. Big money is involved and people turn the other way. Fox guarding the henhouse. I've seen things that most people wouldn't believe if not in the industry. After losing my career, learning about and fighting for the horses became my purpose. So many facets of pharma/medicine corruption remsind me of the showhorse industry corruption - innocent victims (horses) controlled by power/money-hungry people who are breaking the law but continue to get away with it with a slap on the wrist. I suppose my faith in our system has been breaking for many years. That I am drawn to Nashville is especially bizarre because the seat of corruption is just an hour south in Shelbyville. I'd avoided the entire state like the plague until recently.

If anyone is interested, here's a good video with music by a friend. http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D-EAA73TWwX0&v=-EAA73TWwX0&gl=US

(My boyz are barefoot now)

I hope the sun comes out today. It's dreary inside my skull.

I sure am thankful for all of you very special people.

May 4, 2012

WARNING: rambling rant!

Having worst morning in a very long time. Severe agitation bordering on rage. Trying to pin down a trigger, but when I'm like this, everything feels like a trigger.

Got a wild hair last weekend and bought a VIP tkt to huge country music festival about an hour away. That in itself is bizarre because I HATED country music a year ago. I was alone in a massive crowd and it felt good. Enjoyed most of the music; some was annoyingly whiney. Sheryl Crow was worth every penney. There's an edgy sadness-turned-attitude about her. 'Step inside my skull...enjoy the show...' She's my age and rockin' on (very vocal about not being labeled 'country'). After 'My Favorite Mistake' she said under her breath 'that list is getting longer'. Didn't notice anyone around me responding, but I got a good laugh in that 'boy, can i relate' way! Sorry to bore with a play-by-play... music is speaking to me very loudly since DCing Pristiq. I used to listen to the music/tune but not the words. I didn't realize it until I began hearing words in last year. The waterworks came on during a few songs. Yep, good thing I was alone! I felt ok over the weekend aside from hurting feet from walking around for hours (sooo outa shape!). I sat near front/speakers and the loudness didn't bother me.

Came home to sick horse - lost weight in 2-3 days. Not unusual but very bad in geriatric horse, especially one who always bordered on overweight (Insulin Resistant). Rainy and foggy the last 3 days after weekend of 110° sunny weather. Could be cause of my mood. Feeling very sad and guilty about my horse. And trapped. He needs me and I need to get away from this black hole. Vet coming out today so I should know more. I guess it helps to know that he was abused in the showworld before I got him. They do horrendous things to Tennessee Walking Horses. I've been very involved in fighting the abuse at a national level, but it's a bit like the pharma situation. Big money is involved and people turn the other way. Fox guarding the henhouse. I've seen things that most people wouldn't believe if not in the industry. After losing my career, learning about and fighting for the horses became my purpose. So many facets of pharma/medicine corruption remsind me of the showhorse industry corruption - innocent victims (horses) controlled by power/money-hungry people who are breaking the law but continue to get away with it with a slap on the wrist. I suppose my faith in our system has been breaking for many years. That I am drawn to Nashville is especially bizarre because the seat of corruption is just an hour south in Shelbyville. I'd avoided the entire state like the plague until recently.

If anyone is interested, here's a good video with music by a friend. http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D-EAA73TWwX0&v=-EAA73TWwX0&gl=US

(My boyz are barefoot now)

I hope the sun comes out today. It's dreary inside my skull.

I sure am thankful for all of you very special people.

If you think animal abuse is bad in Tennessee, you don't even want to think about Lancaster County, PA., the puppy mill Capitol of the world. Problem is, try telling that to the old order Amish and Old order Mennonites. They don't understand the concept of companion animals. To then, they are nothing more than livestock, to be exploited in any way possible. Any wonder animal law is screwed up in PA?

about me · May 4, 2012

If you think animal abuse is bad in Tennessee, you don't even want to think about Lancaster County, PA., the puppy mill Capitol of the world. Problem is, try telling that to the old order Amish and Old order Mennonites. They don't understand the concept of companion animals. To then, they are nothing more than livestock, to be exploited in any way possible. Any wonder animal law is screwed up in PA?

Hi meistersinger, I just helped my 89 yr. old Dad adopt a dog. I found a Belgian Griffon female online who was used as a breeder dog and she was so ill when we got her that she almost died in the first 24 hours. She was not from PA, but NC, which is of the same ilk from what I can tell. There were many dogs available that came from PA, and it does have the worst rep in that regard. I had not realized this was an Amish and Mennonite endeavor. So much for my image of them.

Barb, sorry to hear you had a bad day, but you did enjoy the concert? Sounds like attending was a plus, but I wonder if you may be paying the price for putting so much strain on your system? Is it physically possible for you to get into better shape so you can get out more?

I hope your Vet is able to help you with your horse. The dreadful things we do to animals. I have a harder time watching an animal get hurt by a human than a human being hurt by same. The reason being that somehow, we understand what is happening, while an animal is so dependent on us. My sister who lives in Knox., TN will by flying in for a visit in two days. She never anything about the ill treatment of horses, but then she is not in the animal community, rather is an ER nurse.

I read your narrative with interest and will be watching for your next post. Eeek, 110 at this time of the year?? Hope you get a reprieve from the heat. We in SE New England have been way above normal for the winter, and of late, the temp is 30 degrees warmer during the day as at night, most unusual.~S

May 4, 2012

Barbara going to a concert is monumental. You were out and doing something different.

Maybe the trigger is your horse feeling so poorly. You are an animal lover. I feel for pets that have been abused and maybe this is what's bugging you.

Sending hugs your way

Barbarannamated: pain<-->depression...chicken<-->egg

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