Barbarannamated: pain<-->depression...chicken<-->egg

[Barbarannamated]

Thanks, my friends. I think that this past weekend away confirmed that my living situation is a tremendous negative contributor to how I'm feeling both emotionally and physically. I need to be among the living, but am isolated where I live and in a home with one person who is, for lack of a better descriptor, deaf and refuses to wear his hearing aid. It's essentially a mute household aside from absolutely necessary exchanges and those usually require a few attempts. I somehow dealt with it when I was still on Pristiq and was ok being solo. I realize emotions are intensified right now and the need to change feels urgent. It's compounded now by my oldest horse going downhill and not having the freedom to take off overnite or for a weekend as I had been doing to cope. Or for 4 months as I did last summer.

I need a plan and am trying to keep in mind that my thinking is not at its clearest right now. As Rhi said somewhere... I know I need to make changes to get better, but am not trusting my decision-making at this point. (I'm paraphrasing. Hope I didn't butcher that!)

 

I did enjoy the concert/event. It was totally spur of the moment and something I needed to do. I realized that I am better to go alone than go with someone who doesn't really want to be there. I inevitably feel responsible for their enjoyment (or lack of) which ruins it for me. That's a whole different issue of assuming responsibility that isn't mine!

It's difficult trying to figure out who I am now. You all help me very much by sharing your thoughts and own struggles.

Hugs all around!

[Skyler]

I realize emotions are intensified right now and the need to change feels urgent. It's compounded now by my oldest horse going downhill and not having the freedom to take off overnite or for a weekend as I had been doing to cope. Or for 4 months as I did last summer.

I need a plan and am trying to keep in mind that my thinking is not at its clearest right now.

 

I inevitably feel responsible for their enjoyment (or lack of) which ruins it for me. That's a whole different issue of assuming responsibility that isn't mine!

 

It's difficult trying to figure out who I am now. You all help me very much by sharing your thoughts and own struggles.

Hugs all around!

 

Hi Barb, you have probably looked into this, but are there day trip designations you can go to to get away? The chronicity of the stress must be eroding your emotional strength. The more time outs you can arrange, the better. And I'm so dreadfully sorry to hear of your horse, they must have been the best of all stress relievers. Keep us in the loop about how they are doing?

 

The penchant for assuming responsibility for others may be a factor in your current situation? It has to be dreadful to live in with someone who hides behind a wall of silence. ~S

[Karma]

Hey Barb,

 

It is very interesting about the concert event - you go girl! (Although I'd really know something was wrong with me if I went to a country concert - can't stand the stuff. Give me good ole southern rock 'n roll any day oh, or British rock).

 

It appears that getting you out of the toxic environment does help you. I'm so sorry that your home is not a supportive environment. I thank the Great Spirit every day for my DH. He may not always understand what is going on, but he is supportive, steady and consistently provides unconditional love. He believes a hug can usually help ... and he is pretty much right about that.

 

When I was suffering from irrational thoughts last year he was very gentle in helping me realize that my emotions were what was causing the fears and that they were not real.

 

I just wish that we could all have similar support.

 

Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you.

 

Karma

[Barbarannamated]

Thanks Karma. I've always loved Southern Rock and British. I was a bit of a groupie of an alternative band in the 80s. Still my favorite, but my hair is smaller.

Have had very down days this week. I think it gets a little worse each time I get away and then come back. Hard to see any light from this black hole.

[Shanti]

"Hair is smaller" LOL. Did you rat your hair all up too? That's funny. I used to go to extremes with lots of hairspray in the 80s

[Barbarannamated]

I used to have great hair. Not much left now.

Haven't been able to get out of bed last few days. Sleeping constantly.

[Skyler]

I used to have great hair. Not much left now.

Haven't been able to get out of bed last few days. Sleeping constantly.

 

Barb, are you slipping into a clinical depression? This would be all too easy given the trapped feeling you have. ~S

[Nikki]

Barbara....

 

Can you get up in the AM and make yourself a cup of coffee to get you going in the morning?

Just to get up. Force yourself to take a shower right away to wash away the sleepiness.

 

I posted a video under the Attacking Anxiety posts. It was on FB and it might be what you are talking about. Being a sensitive person and not in the best environment.

 

Please keep posting so you can pull yourself out of sleeping too much.

 

I look forward to hearing from you. You have helped me out alot.

 

 

Lots of Cyber Hugs ^_^ ^_^

[Barbarannamated]

I tried a mental rewind and I went downhill anticipating Mother's Day - thought it was last Sunday Not a good day for me.

I do get up, do coffee, morning news shows, check messages, but recently missed that narrow window to keep momentum going. The estrogen has helped some, especially with pain, but have no life plan and can't seem to engage forward-thinking region of brain. Keeps hitting a wall. My endocrine picture is not good and I feel there's more going on. I keep coming back to pituitary dysfunction. Sent message to Giovanna Fava today. He's done a tremendous amount of work with psychological manifestations of endocrine disorders. The more I read, the more im convinced that most 'depression' is actually neuroendocrine vulnerabilities and life stressors. I guess I'll have to go to Italy to see him! Love his idea of Rehabilitation in Endocrine Disorders http://content.karger.com/produktedb/produkte.asp?typ=fulltext&file=000107558#AC

Also found a Neuroscience Researcher at USC with similar philosophies. An easier commute but not nearly as interesting as Italy.

Thanks!

[Barbarannamated]

Took some Pristiq a little while ago. Got myself out but then crashed. Back home in bed now. It really hit me hard - dizzy, weird vision, heart racing a bit, weird sensations in legs. It was probably about 25mg.

[Skyler]

Took some Pristiq a little while ago. Got myself out but then crashed. Back home in bed now. It really hit me hard - dizzy, weird vision, heart racing a bit, weird sensations in legs. It was probably about 25mg.

 

Hi Barb, I'm glad you got out. If you do this once a day? The best of all medicines is to keep busy until you feel better. I do not tend to be depressed, but with the fibro it has happened.. I know when it starts to get entrenched because this is when good things make me cry because all I can think about is how they will go away. Maybe not so dissimilar as the way the country and western concert made you feel. If you can string enough good moments together, maybe you can pull out of your low mood faster. Easier said than done, I know.. but you are worth the effort girl.

 

Very sorry you are feeling depressed. I hope tomorrow is better, and that you will get out again,

~S

[Barbarannamated]

This is hibernation season here - 108° today. Booked flight to go back to Nashville for end of month. Accidentally booked 2 flights. Hoping I'll feel strong enough to make a break.

[Skyler]

This is hibernation season here - 108° today. Booked flight to go back to Nashville for end of month. Accidentally booked 2 flights. Hoping I'll feel strong enough to make a break.

 

Ohhh, 108? It's pouring rain here, the 80+ broke, and we went from unseasonal early summer weather to dreary April showers in May. Oh well, the drought we were entering broke, and it has not stopped raining for two weeks.

 

Going back to Nashville? Is this where you are from? You know what is going on with the horse scene there... That is 2 weeks off. Is there a pool nearby, some enticement for you to leave your 'lair'?

 

~S

[Barbarannamated]

I stumbled into Nashville last summer when driving around the country and felt very at home there. Lots of people starting over, most in music (not me!). Very friendly locals, lots of activity day or nite. I don't know anyone in Nashville but joined a few Meetup Groups. Have a friend about an hour south who I visited. Before that never even thought about visiting there. Hated country music and wanted as far away from that corrupt horse world as possible. Looked at some condos to buy or rent. Then came back to CA to go to ISEPP Conference and get stuff together. I went downhill fast being back here. My car and some belongings are already/still in Nashville.

The city,which is where I'd want to be, isn't inexpensive. Vanderbilt is there also, which I like.

[Skyler]

I stumbled into Nashville last summer when driving around the country and felt very at home there. Lots of people starting over, most in music (not me!). Very friendly locals, lots of activity day or nite. I don't know anyone in Nashville but joined a few Meetup Groups. Have a friend about an hour south who I visited. Before that never even thought about visiting there. Hated country music and wanted as far away from that corrupt horse world as possible. Looked at some condos to buy or rent. Then came back to CA to go to ISEPP Conference and get stuff together. I went downhill fast being back here. My car and some belongings are already/still in Nashville.

The city,which is where I'd want to be, isn't inexpensive. Vanderbilt is there also, which I like.

 

Barb, in your brief text above, I can sense the depression lifted. It sounds like being in Nashville makes you feel alive, pulls on your strengths, gives you a joie de vivre.

 

I'm not a country music fan, but were I in the midst, would rethink. In a curious turn politically speaking, country has taken the mantle from the folk we remember. It's grassroots. Still based in what people experience from day to day.. 'real reality'. At least this is my take...

 

How far off are you from grabbing the brass ring... I wonder the dissonance you feel because you are on disability, not employed, is as much because you feel stuck in a world that does not fit anymore? ~S

[Barbarannamated]

This week has been absolute hell.

I was peripherally involved in a huge lawsuit - 'on deck' so to speak. I didn't really want to be involved because I needed no extra stress. Was looking forward to case being settled. It settled this week. My partner(in last job) and 3 others are receiving $86 million for 'activities' I planned. Still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing.

[xDebbiejo]

Oh wow barb!

That's brill isn't it?

 

So pleased for you if I've read your post right

 

Debbie xxx

[Skyler]

This week has been absolute hell.

I was peripherally involved in a huge lawsuit - 'on deck' so to speak. I didn't really want to be involved because I needed no extra stress. Was looking forward to case being settled. It settled this week. My partner(in last job) and 3 others are receiving $86 million for 'activities' I planned. Still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing.

 

Wow... my goodness, more details when you can. Sounds HUGE.

[Barbarannamated]

Debbie,

Not meaning to be cryptic or confusing; just don't want to come up in any search engines right now.

I was not called in and will receive no $$. The case altogether was $1.6 billion. My 2 former colleagues and 2 others I don't know are to split the $86 mil.

Surreally bad.

[Skyler]

Debbie,

Not meaning to be cryptic or confusing; just don't want to come up in any search engines right now.

I was not called in and will receive no $$. The case altogether was $1.6 billion. My 2 former colleagues and 2 others I don't know are to split the $86 mil.

Surreally bad.

 

Awww, I was having visions of you setup in an antebellum mansion just outside of Nashville ~S

[Barbarannamated]

Maybe in the next life.

[Barbarannamated]

I'm sorry I am so terribly negative recently. I got out to that concert a few weekends ago and rather than feeling lifted up afterward, I feel more trapped. I guess it was a mistake to mention it to a few friends because they're acting like "ok, all better now...let's go riding" which sounds like "let's go climb Mt. Everest" to me right now. I'm really hurt that these 'close friends' have made no attempt to visit me in many months but at one mention that I did something, the whole attitude is different.

 

Just realized I CTd off of Coke (cola) over a week ago. I drink a few cans/day, which I know is bad. Only now made the connection to my extra low mood.

[Nadia]

Barb, I hope you go out and find things to inspire you. I agree being alone is better than having bad company. The thing with the lawsuit and you not getting a cut... that sounds awful. I hope you find the way to reach towards life and health! More concerts! Animals! Nature!

[xDebbiejo]

Sorry barb

 

When you said partner I thought you meant your husband in his last job. So sorry barb, I always get things wrong by not reading things properly.

 

Gosh if you were feeling better you could have appealed the decision - this doesn't seem fair!

 

Love and light xxx

[Barbarannamated]

Oh not your fault, Debbiejo! It's an emotionally-charged topic for me and I'll explain more clearly when I can (and it will make more sense).

 

The neuroemotion of the week is CRYING! Got together with husband's sis and brother-in-law and could barely converse. Everything was choking me up, hitting one nerve after another. I usually am much better when with people and distracted, but too much family talk triggered my emotions. Couldn't wait to get home snd THAT'S unusual!

[Skyler]

Oh not your fault, Debbiejo! It's an emotionally-charged topic for me and I'll explain more clearly when I can (and it will make more sense).

 

The neuroemotion of the week is CRYING! Got together with husband's sis and brother-in-law and could barely converse. Everything was choking me up, hitting one nerve after another. I usually am much better when with people and distracted, but too much family talk triggered my emotions. Couldn't wait to get home snd THAT'S unusual!

 

Barb, are you thinking of replacing the caffeine in the coke with anything? Not great to rely on caffeine, but if it was keeping you out of the doldrums, it might be worth the trade off? Maybe substitute ice coffee or tea? btw, Goodo on getting rid of the soda.. it was eroding your teeth..

[xDebbiejo]

Oh gosh barb, wondered how you were

 

Sorry to hear about you not feel to good

 

I do hope this passes quickly for you xx

[tezza]

I'm sorry to learn you're not doing well. I hope you'll feel better soon. {{{HUGS}}}

 

When you asked me if Risperdal had helped me, I should have explained that the only way it helped was by numbing my emotional pain from the loss of my brother. He'd lived with me the last three weeks of his life. He actually came here to die here. I don't regret allowing him to do that, I regret seeing the pdoc only a few days after he died. But, I told pdoc that I had a reason for being sad. He talked to me less than five minutes and prescribed three Meds. That is probably my biggest regret in this lifetime.

[Nikki]

Barb,

 

I would be crying & I would be angry over the lawsuit. Maybe you need to cry things out.

I had alot of involuntary crying during a taper. And then again I had a reason to cry. I felt terrible, anxious, depressed and frustrated. Sooo maybe you should give in an have a good cry.

 

Consider yourself hugged...

[Nadia]

I'm sorry to learn you're not doing well. I hope you'll feel better soon. {{{HUGS}}}

 

When you asked me if Risperdal had helped me, I should have explained that the only way it helped was by numbing my emotional pain from the loss of my brother. He'd lived with me the last three weeks of his life. He actually came here to die here. I don't regret allowing him to do that, I regret seeing the pdoc only a few days after he died. But, I told pdoc that I had a reason for being sad. He talked to me less than five minutes and prescribed three Meds. That is probably my biggest regret in this lifetime.

 

That's awful, Tezza! It's criminal to medicate mourning!

 

Barb, cry away! I think it must be a part of healing.

[Barbarannamated]

Thanks everyone.

Now it's more fun family stuff. I decided I'm still a touch too sane to deal with them. It's becoming clear why I ended up on drugs.

B

[tezza]

Hang in there, Barb, we love you! {{{hugs}}}

[Skyler]

Thanks everyone.

Now it's more fun family stuff. I decided I'm still a touch too sane to deal with them. It's becoming clear why I ended up on drugs.

B

 

Hey there, just a thinking of you today post. And now you see how your family really is, it's becoming clear why you went off drugs!.. this means detoxing your whole world view, exorcising their expectations of you. A hearty congrats!

[Barbarannamated]

Thanks, Tezza, Nadia and Schuyler. Had absolutely hellish day yesterday with family and old friends trying to contact me via Facebook (nobody seems to know how to communicate any other way anymore). I finally posted "If you haven't lived in my shoes for the past 40 years, stay the hell outa them now!"

[Karma]

Hey Barb,

 

The nice thing about people trying to contact you on Facebook is that you can log out and ignore them ... I always log out of FB because I don't want FB following me all over the web. I just log on when I want to check in and then I log out again.

 

Just remember you are the only one who is really going to look out for you. Isn't that what we've learned from our polypharma journey? Others (doctors) proclaim they care and want to help, but they don't have the knowledge to really help (because they get their information from big pharma who only cares about profits) and we find that in many cases they (the doctors) won't listen to us, the patients. So we strike out on the internet to find others and share our journey so that we can minimize the harm and get well.

 

So other people may think they have your best interest at heart, but you are the one person you can count on to have your best interest at heart. (Oh and then there are all of us on the forum who have your best interest at heart and we love ya!)

 

Karma

[Barbarannamated]

Thanks, Karma. This whole journey has a way of changing how I view everything. And there are precious few who understand (YOU ALL!). I feel like my life GPS is spinning around 'recalculating...recalculating...'

The things people say in trying to be helpful BAFFLE me. I know everyone means well, but with each comment, I feel more distance and less understood.

I keep wondering WHY this family situation seemed to become clear at this stage of the game. Or if it really is clear or more distorted...

Rhetorical question!

Hugs back!