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Happy2Heal

☼ Happy2Heal: Hope I'm doing this right

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Soup

So happy to hear  this . I am almost 6 months o;;  and not doing good at all  feeling very trapped and not sure which way to turn😭

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Happy2Heal

aww Rosetta and Soup, sorry to hear you're not where you want to be YET

 

but you will get there.

 

I sometimes still feel bad about posting about how good I feel  😶

 

but a year ago, I felt sooo soo bad. Even back a few months ago, I was not doing as well as I am now.
I seem to follow much more of a linear pattern than the windows and waves... even from the start, I would notice improvements all the time, and then things didn't ever get worse. Symptoms always got less and less in intensity, duration and frequency.

I am blessed, truly blessed.

 

I am also living a very stress free life, though- no job, no serious money issues, I don't have any family issues, I don't have to move or do any of those other stressful things. I have a good group of friends and things that I'm interested in...so, I mean, as it says on my favorite T shirts "Life is Good"

 

just keep looking ahead to when you're going to be where I am now, because you ARE going to get here. 

and try to find the things that make each day more bearable. That's what I did, anyway.

When I stopped wishing for things to be different, and just accepted the way that things were, even when things were really bad, it just seemed to free up a lot of my energy to put towards actually healing.

at least, that's the way it seem to me. idk, I could have it all wrong :P

 

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Soup

Thanks Hun trying so hard to believe .... yea I don't really have the window wave pattern I just seem to be stuck now ..... although the burning, akathasia and head spinning is gone so I guess that is something but I just feel like a zombie like my soul was sucked out 😭😭😭😭😭 and keep writing about how good you feel it keeps me going . I to am lucky lots of support not really any stress except what I put on myself but I try to be kind to myself . 

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Carmie
16 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

just a quick update-

apparently I am still healing, even though I've been totally off the lexapro now for um, coming up on 7 mos.


I don't notice that I've had symptoms til they are gone... for example, I felt super calm and relaxed on Sunday and realized that for a few days, I'd had a very very low level of anxiousness and a tiny bit of dread. On Sunday it was gone and it was like the sun coming out.

 

but if you had asked me on Saturday how I was doing, I would have told you I was going great, and truly I was, because the level of anxiety was so low it barely registered, you know? it was way way off in the background.

 

So, in the interest of full disclosure I guess you could say I'm still recovering. Or I don't know, maybe that was just garden variety anxiety that had nothing to do with past AD use, I have no idea how one tells the difference.

 

but overall, I'm doing great. I cleaned up my diet and the joint pain I had is mostly gone now, so I feel confident that it was the extra sugary crap I was eating that brought on the pain.

you can detox from food the same as you detox from drugs; it just takes time. and varies from person to person (I've been studying nutrition again, from world famous nutrition experts)

 

so much for quick, eh? LOL

 

I"m getting some new foster rats soon- for the first time in about a year, I'm getting some girls! 

crazy busy little nutballs! should be fun! I hope I have the energy to keep up with them

 

:)

:)

:)

 

all the best to you all dear friends ❤️

 

 

 

What a wonderful update Happy2heal, 

 

I hope everyone reads this. 

 

Thank u sooooo much for sharing💚💚

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SkyBlue
On 4/30/2018 at 12:35 PM, Happy2Heal said:

 

I sometimes still feel bad about posting about how good I feel  😶

 

 

Happy2heal,

Please continue with the updates and don't feel bad at all for posting about doing well. That buoys everyone's spirits. It's very valuable and helps people remember that there is hope.

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Rosetta

Yes, please keep posting.  I need to see your progress!  Thanks.

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Happy2Heal

hi guys

well I am confused.

Every time I think that things can't get better, they actually do.

 

I think what is happening is that my issues now are not really drug withdrawal issues, they are issues of faulty thinking, and perspectives and stuff that would probably be good to work on in something like cognitive behavioral therapy.

 

i make new discoveries about how the ways that i think about things affect how I feel about things, and it's like a new world has opened up to me

 

so that appears to be the reason why things seem to be getting better. I think...? LOL

It's not that I'm still going thru any physical or physiological recovery, it's more like a growth process and learning/ progress instead.

 

I continue to read non fiction books and will have a list to recommend soon, but in the meantime, I continue to have great days and am amazed at how wonderful life is now, when it was just so incredibly awful at this same time last year.

Even just a few months ago, I could never have imagined that I'd arrive where I am now

 

keep going, even when it seems very hard and hopeless because it is NOT, it's just your messed up recovering brain telling you and making you feel like things are bad and always will be

They may not be great for you right now but they ARE getting better and if you look for it, you will be able to find the signs of progress and healing.

 

:)

 

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Soup

Thank you for this I am struggling so badly so this hope really does help ...... 

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wantrelief
1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

keep going, even when it seems very hard and hopeless because it is NOT, it's just your messed up recovering brain telling you and making you feel like things are bad and always will be

They may not be great for you right now but they ARE getting better

This is awesome....thank you, H2H.  I am so happy for you that you keep progressing in unexpected ways!  :) 

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Happy2Heal

some good books to check out

 

Above my Head by Claudia L Osborn

 

A doctor's own story of head injury from the inside looking out

 

 

I picked this book up off the free book shelf at my local grocery store and I'm glad I did. while we are not technically head/brain injured, much of what this woman went thru after being hit by a car while riding her bike, is so incredibly similar to a lot of the symptoms we have going thru withdrawal.

There are times when I literally laughed out loud. Not that there's anything funny about a brain injury, but because there were things that I'd done too (like, checking to see if you really did remember to put clothes on before going out) 

This book should have made some best seller list somewhere but apparently has not. 😕

She's got a lot  to say about acceptance too.

Unlike us going thru withdrawal (we hope, at least) she had some permanent damage, while recovering in many ways. She was never able to practice medicine again. 
You will likely see yourself in much of what she goes thru, and relate to a lot of her frustration with others who don't  understand what it's really truly like (but who think they do)

 

 

Another good book deals with perceptions about the world and why we get so much wrong, how we need to update our worldview from what we learned in school, and how to combat the very  human ways we see and react to things that skew our perception of reality.

It's a new book called Factfulness by Hans Rosling. Just writing his name I am getting choked up because I had not read the book jacket before reading the book and did not know til the very end that the author had passed away while working on this book (it has co authors)

I came to be very fond of him and his gentle and non judgemental manner while reading this amazing book, so when I read that he'd gotten pancreatic cancer and died, I burst into tears. I'm glad I wasn't reading this one on the bus!!

 

There's a lot in this book that's helpful regardless if you care about the state of the entire world, so I highly recommend it.
The sub title is "Ten reasons we're wrong about the world, and why things are better than you think"
 

so now you see why I was interested!! anyone who says things are better than we think...!

the author says he is not an optimist, in fact the only place where he comes across as harsh is when he condemns optimism as being unrealistic (I don't believe it is, but I see why he tries to distance himself from that term- most think it's like looking at the world thru rose colored glasses and his main points are about seeing things as they REALLY are. He calls himself a possiblist, a term he made up.)


check it out! it's awesome. I may end up buying a copy for myself at some point (second hand, when the prices come down- it's a very new book so the prices are high now) if your library doesn't have it, suggest that they buy it. My library didn't have it and after reading about it, they decided it was something they needed in their collection!


I also requested another book they don't yet have but will buy, called Food is the Solution. I haven't gotten that one yet but I'll let you know what I think once I do.

 

 

I've gotten some crappy books too, one on Ayerveda that is very pretty but since it has so much emphasis on lentils and I hate lentils, I'll be getting rid of that one LOL

 

I have something else to say about being drugged vs being off the drugs but I"m going to put that in a different post.. um later, cuz I gotta get out and get some groceries

 

 

 

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Happy2Heal

are you over 50 and want to help get the message out that AD WD is real and can be awful and needs to be taken seriously?

please see my post here: 

 

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Happy2Heal

ok so today was actually not a good day but I honestly don't know if it has/had anything to do with WD/recovery or not


I tried to do a good thing for a friend and it did not turn out the way we had hoped, she was in tears and there was no way for me to "fix" things for her.

 

 

then I wanted to console another friend who suffered two losses recently and  *I* ended up in tears and not much use to that friend either.

 

It was an emotional day. I felt pretty useless and like an all-around failure as a friend.

😕

 

but were my emotions "normal" or neuro emotions??

It makes no sense for me to try to compare now, being off all psych meds for the first time in decades, to who I was before I was on psych meds because I was only freakin 18 yrs old!!!
I was a totally different person then, I was a teenager. Teenagers are usually pretty emotional.

 

so, idk.

how do you tell if your emotions are um,  "normal" or in the normal range? is there really even such a thing as "normal" ?

 

I did have a hard time calming down when I got angry at the person who messed up the nice thing I was trying to do for the friend, but how easy or hard "should" it be? If you're angry, doesn't it make sense that you'd need some time to cool off?

 

I didn't get into any kind of emotional spiral, at least.

 

meh.

Mumma said there'd be days like this, right? :P

 

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apace41

I guess the real question, H2H, is why does it matter?  You are feeling whatever emotions you are feeling.  If you don't like them and want to blame them on the drugs, if that helps you then go for it.  If they tie to issues you feel the need to deal with then address them, neuro or otherwise.

 

I think we spend too much time wrapped up in trying to figure out what is from the drugs and what is not.  I know I do.  And I think at times it can be really counterproductive and "interrupt" trying to live normally.

 

You had a rough day and that was upsetting.  That seems pretty normal to me and something that most people, with or without meds, would experience.

 

I'd leave it at that and continue to move forward as spectacularly as you have been.

 

Best,

 

Andy

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Happy2Heal

great points and excellent advice Andy, thank you!

 

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Rosetta

Avoiding the emotional spiral is very encouraging, Happy.  That is a big deal for me.  

 

Getting angry is one of those issues that bothers me a great deal.  I think that, in general, women are expected to swallow their anger.  Of course, that often causes some form of "depression."  It's okay to be angry, and it's OK to take a while to calm down.

 

As for trying to help your friends and "failing," the only requirement is that you try!  Success is not required.  Your friends will remember that you were there for them not whether your plans turned out.  Having someone to cry with is sometimes all that is needed.  

 

I doubt there is any "normal" level of anger or grief.    Our insecurity that we are not experiencing or displaying "normal" emotions is something many people try to use to earn a profit.   I suppose it's possible that the fact that you aren't sure whether your emotions were normal could mean that there are!!  But I understand why you might feel that you never reached a point in your life when you felt you had emerged from being an emotional teenager.  That's true for me, too, but I was 28 when I started Celexa.  Some people are more emotional than others, and some people show more emotion than others.  Emotional people may make those who aren't uncomfortable, but that fact doesn't determine whose emotions are normal!  I have a strong feeling that this horrible process we are suffering through will make us more capable of controlling our emotions.  I hope it also helps us realize that it's ok to have strong emotions, too, without apologizing to everyone else.  There is a time and a place for emotion, but for every culture the times and places are different!  It's an age old theme in literature about the clash of cultures.  It's also the case that culture does not have the privilege of telling us what to think or feel, but these days of culture wars a lot of people seem to want to dictate to us how to feel via psychiatry.  

 

So, I'm back to this:. You avoided the emotional spiral that results in despair and anxiety.  That's really what I hope WD will "teach" me!

 

Peace, Rosetta

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Happy2Heal

thank you so much for your reply and insights Rosetta! Very helpful!

 

I am not comfortable getting angry, in my life, ppl who got angry often acted out, or got violent, and I think I learned to fear anger as a destructive force. 

 

hmm, I think one reason I'm focused on if I"m still having WD/recovery symptoms or not is that I just can't seem to fully believe my good fortune. It *seems* like I recovered quickly but I"ve forgotten that I've been trying to get off the lexapro since 2007 (the first time I tried) In  2013 I tried again and I believe I"ve been "de stabilized" ever since, so that's a long time to be in withdrawal! I went up and down in the dose a few times but the over all trend was towards getting off it for good.

 

and I"m finally here!

when I went off cold turkey in 2007, I had severe symptoms for 7 mos and finally couldn't stand it any longer and went back on.

 

this time I know what I"m dealing with. And now, my symptoms are gone and I think I"ve finally done it!
I'm free


I guess after trying for so long, I"m a bit hesitant to declare victory, so I think it's a good thing that SA has you wait a year before writing your success story.

 

I think I'm there though, I really do. and I"m so grateful and so happy about it.

:)

 

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Blondiee1915

Hi H2H, 

 

Sorry you had a rough day.  I agree with Andy on this one.  I feel like it should not make a difference if it was neuro emotions or "normal" emotions.  This is you now and if you feel happy or sad and maybe you are a little more emotional because of WD so what?  We are human and we are designed to feel.  And since all of us have been through so much we are probably more sensitive, I know I am.  I also think that since I was on medication for such a long time all of my emotions were blunted and now since they are back it is hard to "regulate" them because I am not used to that, if I am making sense here.  

 

Do not be so hard on yourself.  You tried to be helpful to your friends, and that is all that matters.  

 

Wishing you a good weekend 

 

b.

 

 

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Happy2Heal
9 minutes ago, Blondiee1915 said:

I also think that since I was on medication for such a long time all of my emotions were blunted and now since they are back it is hard to "regulate" them because I am not used to that, if I am making sense here.  

ah yes you hit the nail on the head! I think this is what I might be concerned about

 

before all these drugs, I recall being a somewhat emotional person. Of course I was also young. lol 

but I do think that I would call myself a person with strong emotions, even now. and I think that now without the numbing, I need to either find a way to 'regulate' these feelings  OR just how to accept them, since I"m not really sure what 'regulate' means hahahaha. Just "deal with them" I guess LOL

it really doesn't matter the cause. you guys are right. 

 

I feel ok today, the friend I tried to help says she's not mad and the person who is grieving is busy and I'm just giving that person space. 

 

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direstraits

all's well that ends well 😊

you're doing great!

xx

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

I feel ok today, the friend I tried to help says she's not mad and the person who is grieving is busy and I'm just giving that person space. 

 

 

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Happy2Heal

thanks DS

 

OK I'm having a problem. I've assumed that it's part of the temp dysregulation but now I"m not so sure, partly because this problem is increasing in frequency and in severity.

 

I have episodes of facial flushing that often extends to my neck, chest and even my arms.

this happens mostly after eating and tends to be worse if I've eaten a high sugar and/or high fat food. 

there's no sweating, it's a dry flush.

 

It will now happen after just drinking water or eating regular food.


It happened while playing cards the other day and was esp bad- I was told that I didn't just turn red, I turned purple. I could feel that it was more intense than normal but I didn't take out a mirror to look :P

 

menopausal type hot flashes are not flushes, they come with sweating...

this is a hot dry flush.

 

I hate drs, truly hate them now, but I'm starting to wonder if I should get this checked out.
there are very few serious causes for facial flushing like this, but as it turns out, my dad had one of them: carcinoid cancer and the "carcinoid syndrome"

 

He had other symptoms that I don't have, which helps but not all carcinoids start in the same organ, so the symptoms vary depending on if it's in your lungs, gut, liver, etc.

 

He would have worse symptoms any time he ate spicy food or drank alcohol. It took about 4 yrs for him to be diagnosed and by then, it was too late to do much for him, it had spread. Started in the mediastinum and spread from there, as I recall.

 

anyway I doubt that I have carcinoid, but then, what if I do?

 

while all my other symptoms of WD are either totally gone or are incredibly mild, this flushing thing is getting worse.

 

for others who have had the temperature dysregulation, did you have any dry flushing?

 

it only seems to happen in response to eating or drinking. 😕

 

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Rosetta

Mmmm, well, of course get it checked out, but I do not always sweat when I have a hot flash.  I don't know if I turn purple.  It's pretty unlikely that both you and your dad would have the same cancer.  However, you should get tested.  I think it will turn out to be WD in the end because there are so many bizarre symptoms.  Have you looked on SA for any similar stories?  - R

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Happy2Heal
21 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Mmmm, well, of course get it checked out, but I do not always sweat when I have a hot flash.  I don't know if I turn purple.  It's pretty unlikely that both you and your dad would have the same cancer.  However, you should get tested.  I think it will turn out to be WD in the end because there are so many bizarre symptoms.  Have you looked on SA for any similar stories?  - R

ooh thanks for letting me know that you don't always have  sweating with hot flashes!
I just did a stupid google search and it seemed to be saying that there's always sweating with menopausal stuff

:P

 

Carcinoid isn't too common but several of the oncologists said there there can be a genetic component... or not! the thing is, it's still considered relatively rare, BUT the families of ppl who have it, having been made aware of it and it's symptoms, could be more likely to press their dr to be tested for it. So they are now seeing multiple family members with it...

I was told that's it actually a very common cancer to find on autopsy,  that's what's rare is to have it cause symptoms, and spread and eventually kill you (it did cause my father's death, but he had 2 cancers, squamous lung cancer and the carcinoid) 

 

If I get one of the other common symptoms, then maybe I will get it checked out, but it's probably just hot flashes. (the test for carcinoid is long and not cheap)

 

gotta cut out the cake and cookies!! 

 

thanks so much for sharing about your hot flashes. 

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Happy2Heal

did some more research

 

now looking into maybe rosacea, which my identical twin sister has

 

and I found out that all of the B vitamins can cause a flare up in rosacea, including the one I just started taking about the time these flushes started getting bad: vit B12


I need the B12 but maybe I should take it less frequently. I started by taking it only on Sundays and then I upped it to 2 or 3 times a week

 

d'oh! why didn't I even think of that? I feel stupid now

 

I bet that's what it is. I'll cut back and see if that helps

 

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SkyBlue
On 5/12/2018 at 8:40 AM, Happy2Heal said:

hmm, I think one reason I'm focused on if I"m still having WD/recovery symptoms or not is that I just can't seem to fully believe my good fortune. It *seems* like I recovered quickly but I"ve forgotten that I've been trying to get off the lexapro since 2007 (the first time I tried) In  2013 I tried again and I believe I"ve been "de stabilized" ever since, so that's a long time to be in withdrawal! 

 

I think I'm there though, I really do. and I"m so grateful and so happy about it.

:)

 

 

Happy2Heal, what a beautiful statement.

 

You know what it reminds me of? The idea of language learning (I read this somewhere--it's not my analogy): A person studies and studies, learning the language. Then when they are immersed in the language for a while, all of a sudden it seems that they are able to speak it overnight!

 

You have very much earned your healing and good fortune. I'm so glad you're sharing it with us. 

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Rosetta

Huh, that may be related to the niacin flush (Vit B 3).  I took Niacin early in WD, and my flushes were very, very intense.  They were red, burning and itching flushes.  I had to give up on it.  

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Junglechicken
2 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Huh, that may be related to the niacin flush (Vit B 3).  I took Niacin early in WD, and my flushes were very, very intense.  They were red, burning and itching flushes.  I had to give up on it.  

 

I experienced these last year, when I was still too sensitive.

 

Now I can take x2 / day high dose B12 etc., and not experience any flushes.

 

That means it DOES get better with time.

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Happy2Heal

hmmm well it seems like maybe it was the B12, I stopped taking it and I haven't had a bad flush since

 

I am having night sweats though, but that seems more "normal" to me, I mean, it's probably real hormonal post-menopausal stuff. My mom had a long period of hormonal imbalance after menopause so maybe it's genetic.

 

at any rate, I guess I had a couple of days of health anxiety there, being worried about cancer- that kind of stuff rarely crosses my mind.

 

but it's all in the past now!

 

I did something wild and crazy!! I bought a bike!  single speed with coaster brakes, like I used to have as a teen


I love it! I just took it out for a ride this morning on the rail trail. I"ll never ride in the street, there's too much traffic in the city and it's really not that kind of bike, it's a cruising bike, they call it. Fat tires, heavy bike, made for things like paved trails.

 

I woke up around 5:30 all excited, and jumped out of bed, had tea and set off before 6 am



I did ride the bike down the sidewalk cuz there was literally no one out, and coasted down a steep hill, oh what fun!!

Then I rode on the trail for about 35-40 mins and walked back (all up hill, that was the hard part, hahahaha)

In spite of walking a lot, my legs were not nearly as strong as I expected them to  be, I really had a hard time pedalling up even the smallest incline.

 

but I loved it!
can't wait to go back but it's supposed to rain tomorrow, but hopefully Sunday will be good

 

I haven't ridden  a bike since I was maybe 15-16 yrs old and I am now 62

I'd say that I feel like a kid again if it weren't for how sore my legs are LOL

 

I need to get  a few things for it, a holder for a water bottle (didn't expect to get so thirsty!!) and a bell, and um, maybe a lock although I don't see anyone stealing it, it's a heavy bike in bright purple, rose and pink LOL 

and I'm being urged to get a helmet but I dont' think I"ll ever wear it so.......

Oh and I"ll need a little pouch to carry stuff in, and a bike pump in case I need air in the tires

 

what else...? It's been decades since I've had a bike, I don't even know

lol

 

I feel like a totally different person in so many respects.  some days I miss the comfort and familiarity of the "old me" but then I remember how limited my life was, as that past version of myself and I try to embrace all the changes, even the uncomfortable ones.

 

:)

:)

:)

 

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Junglechicken

Yay! H2H, I always think its a big "win" if we find something that gives us joy.

 

The more you go out on your bike, the stronger your legs will get, so stick at it!

 

TC,

JC xx

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Survivor1

So happy you are continuing to enjoy life, despite some (minor) setbacks.  Keep on going!

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Happy2Heal
On 5/18/2018 at 7:38 AM, Junglechicken said:

The more you go out on your bike, the stronger your legs will get, so stick at it!

thanks JC
I sure hope that's true. I didn't have any pain, even though I was sure I'd be hurting the next day

nope, I was fine

whew!!

been raining so I won't get to go out again til maybe tomorrow

I"m going to need to get some accessories like a thing to hold a water bottle and um, a pump and maybe a bell and some sort of pouch to put stuff in (keys, phone, snacks lol)

I want to try going a bit further next time

 

 

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Happy2Heal
On 5/18/2018 at 8:50 AM, Survivor1 said:

So happy you are continuing to enjoy life, despite some (minor) setbacks.  Keep on going!

thanks

how have you been?

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Happy2Heal

I thought I had a wave the other day, I woke up with this feeling of dread like I used to get and just didn't want to be home alone and felt crappy.........

 

but! I talked to my sister later in the day and she felt exactly the same way, and she's NOT going thru WD

 

we recently lost some relatives, not close ones, mind you but one was near our age and that makes you more aware of your mortality...

so I guess that's what put us in that funk

 

it's odd sometimes to realize that the stuff you go thru during WD/recovery can be so similar to just 'normal' emotional ups and downs of life.

 

It scares me, as it probably does most of us, when I have those feelings because I don't want to have that long term mass of symptoms that I went thru in the past, and I worry if I might go back 'there'....  it's hard not to worry

 

But I have to remind myself that awful feelings, whether from a wave or just "life", they are all temporary and I know ways to get thru this stuff

 

just acknowledge, accept and float thru the icky parts, or distract, or do whatever works...

 

I feel a lot better now but most of yesterday was crappy until I got together with friends to play Bingo.

so yeh, one day of feeling crappy, nothing to fret about!!

 

I got spoiled I guess. The whole deal with being off the meds so that I can FEEL again is that I have to take the bad with the good, and the neutral and everything in between!!

 

:)

 

right?

right!

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Rosetta

As always, you keep refilling my hope, H2H!  Thank you!!! - Rosetta

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Happy2Heal

ok quick update-

basically life is good! 

 

I think if I look for it very hard, I can see that I *might* be having super mini and super short "waves"...

OR  it may be a PTSD type reaction

 

something will trigger a memory of last year when things were not nearly as good as they are now, and I will feel like I am back there. I think that's mostly what it is. Just a short lived "icky" feeling I don't like

 

overall, however, I feel better than I have for the majority of my life previous to now! it's amazing.

I am healthier both physically and emotionally and also now socially active, which is a  huge change for me

 

yep, as most of my tshirts say, LIFE IS GOOD (it's a brand of tshirt with happy sayings on them)
:)
:)
:)

 

hope this finds everyone well and healing as quickly as your body will allow

 

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dj2010
3 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

ok quick update-

basically life is good! 

 

I think if I look for it very hard, I can see that I *might* be having super mini and super short "waves"...

OR  it may be a PTSD type reaction

 

something will trigger a memory of last year when things were not nearly as good as they are now, and I will feel like I am back there. I think that's mostly what it is. Just a short lived "icky" feeling I don't like

 

overall, however, I feel better than I have for the majority of my life previous to now! it's amazing.

I am healthier both physically and emotionally and also now socially active, which is a  huge change for me

 

yep, as most of my tshirts say, LIFE IS GOOD (it's a brand of tshirt with happy sayings on them)
:)
:)
:)

 

hope this finds everyone well and healing as quickly as your body will allow

 

 

fantastic update, well done!

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Happy2Heal

thanks DJ

 

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