success ☼ Happy2Heal: Hope I'm doing this right

[Happy2Heal]

On 6/28/2018 at 12:43 PM, direstraits said:

Yeah,I had atherapist about 12 years ago who wanted me to get a job and I just wanted to discuss what I was going through at the time,

 

I remember sitting there waiting for her one day and I thought I really don't wanna be here right now,and I just left and never went back!

 

xx

 

Good for you!!!

 

well, if she doesn't take my concerns seriously or tries to push some agenda that does not align with my own personal goals, I'll quit too.

I'll let her know why.

 

With the clinic I went to last, I called and told them I wasn't coming back and I got a "concerned" letter from the therapist and then I got a nasty letter from her- I just refused to engage with her. I also got a survey asking me to rate the services I received there and I was 100% honest on that (the things they told me I could do, never became available, like CBT and I did all the work on my own , outside of therapy. I let them know that I'd  found them to be utterly useless)

They knew that I didn't even want therapy, I just wanted the lexapro Rx so I could taper off of it. THEY insisted on the therapy.  I tried to make the best of it, but I just ended up very angry.  It was not a happy situation.

 

Now I don't have to suck up to anyone to get a prescription to taper so, I can be much more selective.

 

As it turns out, I did get one good thing out of last week's session-  She recommended the Y for yoga classes. I thought it would be too expensive but it turns out my insurance will pay 2/3 of the cost, leaving me with a fairly reasonable amnt to pay out of pocket- 

and for what is available at the Y, it's WELL worth it!
there's all kinds of free exercise classes plus a bunch of different yoga classes- I can go to as many as I want, it's all included in the membership fee

 

THen there's the pool- and free classes in the pool!  There are some things that cost extra  like personal trainers and whatnot but there's so much free stuff, I had no idea!

I got a free locker assigned to me. there's a HUGE locker room with hair dryers and even an ironing board and iron. 

It may end up costing me a bit to get started, since I have no swimsuit or exercise clothes (I'm quickly finding out that my usual street clothes are not good to exercise in, esp for yoga!!)

 

so I get to do some clothes shopping lol

that'll be fun.

 

I am so glad I went down there and checked it out,  it gives me another place to go when I'm feeling isolated and need to get out, and the ppl are very nice. Plus I desperately need to get back the strength I lost when lost all that weight going thru WD

I lost bone and muscle- I used to be able to easily lift 40 lbs and was able to lift more with effort- NOW I can barely lift 20lbs and I hurt a lot afterward. 
So I"m hoping to find out how to target the weakest areas and how to get back in shape without injuring myself. That's my new project

on this journey to better health overall

 

 

 

so today is my second session with the therapist, wish me luck!  if I come home feeling worse about myself afterwards again, I will be looking for someone else.

or just giving up on the whole idea altogether

I don't have a great opinion of the mental health system to begin with , so I feel like I"m making a big leap of faith thinking there's some chance I can get some help with the PTSD reactions that I still have to things that remind me of past traumas

 

I suspect I may have a better time working on those issues by myself,  like with most things. 

😕

 

hope everyone has a great 4th of July!

 

 

 

[Rosetta]

I hope the therapy goes well.  So glad you love the Y! - Rosetta

[Happy2Heal]

Thanks Rosetta

 

wow, I guess I know what I need to work on in therapy!!
 

as it turns out, the only reason the therapist mentioned working was because when I saw her almost 2 yrs ago, when I was in acute WD< I told her I wished I had a job, because it would give me a good distraction

 

just before my appt last week, she read over her notes from those sessions and thought she was being supportive of what she thought were my goals 

LOL
 

that cracks me up. Here I went into this long funk and felt bad about myself and my lack of a job, and thought she was judging me and on and on and on, and the story was all in my own head!!

I need to work on what I say to myself and also how I interpret what other ppl say

 

the stuff about volunteering was because she didn't think I could afford the membership and she thought that would be a way for me to go and not have to pay.

So today we talked about my goals. She seems to think that I'm doing really well on my issues all by myself, which makes me wonder  if I need to see her at all LOL

but she did say that the reinforcement from talking things over with someone would help me to remember and use the strategies for un-hooking from trauma triggers and stuff

 

tired, so that's why I'm just saying "stuff" instead of going into the boring details

 

so yeh I guess it will be good afterall.

she is easy to talk to but she doesn't come across as especially warm or friendly... but that's ok, I've got friends, I don't need any more.

She does seem uncomfortable when I cry (which I do easily and un ashamedly when I am sad or feeling grief) and that kind of bothers me a little bit, but not a lot. I know the difference between grieving a loss and feeling sorry for myself for no good reason, and I know how healing it is to grieve. I don't like to make others uncomfortable but she is a therapist after all and seeing ppl cry is part of the job, I'd think.

 

oh well I 'm a bit scattered cuz I"m tired

 

I have some news about my sleeping and such that I will post about when I've had some rest. its really good news

 

[Rosetta]

Happy,

 

These are impressions I have from seeing your posts about the therapist.  I'm wondering if this therapist who saw you in the thick of WD 2 years ago was very troubled by your case, and now when you cry, she's afraid?  I think people in acute WD must be some of the most seriously ill people that therapists ever see.  People in acute WD are almost impossible to help at times.  It probably affects her that she could not help you, and now you come back and tell her that being off the meds is what healed you.  If she sees you dealing with your problems pretty well all on your own without medication that may throw her entire life's work into doubt?  I think if I were a therapist that I would doubt everything if I saw a patient like you again relatively healthy after refusing meds for 2 years.  There might be some adjustments to her world view that will happen during your sessions.  That would be a good thing, of course, but you may read her reactions in ways that trouble you.  What a strange experience for both of you!

 

-Rosetta

[Miko789]

Hi H2H

 

How did you deal when she said (the therapist) that you should get a job?

After 2 years you saw her again?

 

 

I did some things I regret and I want to talk to a therapist for that, but for other reasons also. I had seen her about 8 years ago and I dont know how she / treats me after  8 years.I did talk to he ton the phone and she said something I didn't like and I want to go and see her.

[Happy2Heal]

hi sorry I've not been back sooner, I've been super busy.

I've reached another, higher level of functioning and feeling more like my self, not my old self, though, just more like ME. It's hard to explain but it's good, very very good.

I've been getting much better sleep and feel even better after my best nights, esp when I've dreamed.

 

9 mos off all meds now and life keeps getting better. I have normal life stresses and issues of course but I handle them a lot better now.

very little rattles me.

I am a calmer person overall.

 

I wish I'd realized the damage these drugs were doing years ago, but it doesn't matter or bother me all that much because  I finally DID realize it 

and getting off them has been the best thing that's happened to me, even though the process itself was one of my worst experiences

 

ah like it says on most of my tshirts, LIFE IS GOOD

 

 

 

[wantrelief]

So wonderful to hear, H2H - thank you for the inspiring post.

[Rosetta]

I'm thrilled for you!

[wantrelief]

5 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I have normal life stresses and issues of course but I handle them a lot better now.

very little rattles me.

I am a calmer person overall.

I wanted to ask you if you mean you feel like you are dealing with stress better now than when you were on meds?  If so, this is so encouraging as I feel like ever since I started medication stress puts me over the edge and is why I've always updosed in the past.  I am concerned about my ability to handle stress without medication, like something irreversible has happened to my nervous system or something.  

[Happy2Heal]

On 7/10/2018 at 11:43 PM, wantrelief said:

I wanted to ask you if you mean you feel like you are dealing with stress better now than when you were on meds?  If so, this is so encouraging as I feel like ever since I started medication stress puts me over the edge and is why I've always updosed in the past.  I am concerned about my ability to handle stress without medication, like something irreversible has happened to my nervous system or something.  

 

Hi, I'm sorry I didn't get any notice that there were replies to my thread

 

to answer your question, 

yes I do think I deal with stress a LOT better than I did when I was medicated, in fact, I'm sure of it.

 

What has happened, I believe, is that to get thru wd/recovery, I needed to learn new non drug coping methods....

and I DID! 

so now, I can catch myself if I'm starting to drift in to some negative thinking, I'll stop and work on positive self talk,

or if I feel anxious, I know to address the feeling and not heap a whole lot of meaning on it, to just acknowledge it as a feeling and accept it and let it pass.

and it always does, so much faster now that there isn't any chemical left in my body to mess up my brain.  No feeling lasts forever, they all come and go, you need to learn to let them do that. 

 

The drugs had many terrible effects that changed and morphed over time, with the end result being that I felt nothing at all and slept most of the time. At first, the numbing of emotions was welcomed, because I had a lot of strong feelings and was going thru a lot of stuff, but while in the short term, that was ok, if not ideal, in the long term, it was a disaster. My life truly was not my own, til getting off these drugs.  

 

I don't know that I'm fully healed, however, as I sometimes have trouble with my memory. That could be age related, I'm 62, or it could be that I"m still having trouble due to withdrawal. I don't think it' could be irreversible damage caused by the drugs, since it's not all the time. Sometimes my memory and focus/attention are great!! 

it seems my memory issues have a lot more to do with stress.

 

so there's still work for me to do but overall I am in such a better place.

 

 

It sounds like maybe you either need to go slower or maybe try some new or different coping mechanisms...??

I mean, regardless of what we do, life is never going to be perfect and run smoothly all the time, so we need to find ways to deal with it, right?

 

I just went thru the possibility of losing my income, that was one of my stresses. It turns out that everything is fine. I had some moments of panic but I used my tools and calmed myself down, so that instead of spending several weeks in distress, worried about something that ultimately did not happen, I spent maybe a couple of hours in distress and a few short  bursts  of anxiety here and there, that I quickly worked thru. I went to yoga, I walked, I distracted myself, I  confronted the 'worst case scenario" and realized I could find a way to deal with even that, and then I went back to enjoying my "regularly scheduled life" LOL

I think we waste way too much time worrying about things that never come to pass. It saps our energy for living with day to day life.

 

so try not to think too far ahead. whatever comes, you'll be able to handle it but chances are that things are only going to be better.

and if you're dealing with WD symptoms,  you've got the motivation to work on non drug coping methods, so if there's any silver lining to WD, there's that  

I don't know that I would have put the effort in to learning these skills if I hadn't been basically forced to do it.

I guess I've got a bit of a lazy streak, idk LOL

 

[wantrelief]

Thank you for your thorough and informative response, H2H.  I am working on the non-drug coping skills.  They are difficult to implement when my mind is racing and dealing with all of these neuro emotions but I will keep trying.  I know what you mean about not learning these skills unless basically forced to do it - I think this has been part of my problem in the past so hopefully this time will be different if I put in more time with the skills.

 

3 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I just went thru the possibility of losing my income, that was one of my stresses. It turns out that everything is fine. I had some moments of panic but I used my tools and calmed myself down, so that instead of spending several weeks in distress, worried about something that ultimately did not happen, I spent maybe a couple of hours in distress and a few short  bursts  of anxiety here and there, that I quickly worked thru. I went to yoga, I walked, I distracted myself, I  confronted the 'worst case scenario" and realized I could find a way to deal with even that, and then I went back to enjoying my "regularly scheduled life" LOL

Great to hear, H2H....thank you for sharing how you dealt with this recent stress -  I am very glad you are back to enjoying your "regularly scheduled life"!  

[Happy2Heal]

On 7/22/2018 at 12:14 PM, wantrelief said:

 I am working on the non-drug coping skills.  They are difficult to implement when my mind is racing and dealing with all of these neuro emotions but I will keep trying.  

 

oh I hear you!! none of this was easy nor fun. Well I can't say it that, truthfully- at some point, in spite of all the withdrawal symptoms, I did actually have FUN from time to time, in the good moments. And if I hadn't been forced out of my comfort zone, I don't know that I would have had those experiences, so... I guess a bit of a silver lining, I guess 

 

and looking back, even when I felt really REALLY awful, I was still able to accomplish quite a lot. It amazes me looking back on what I was able to do in the thick of WD/recovery

 

but yeh, it's hard. we just keep plugging away at it, day by day. 

 

another thing that helps is meditation, or doing whatever works for you, to help you stay in the moment. grounding techniques, focusing on your breath, simply walking and paying attention to your feet on the ground, different little things like that, that seem like they couldn't do very much, actually do help.

 

I hope that you feel better and better all the time. 

[Happy2Heal]

a little update

I've been able to determine that any cognitive or memory issues that I have from time to time are totally related to emotions. 

it's something that's probably been an issue my entire life and one I'll be working on in therapy.

the main thing for me to remember is to not make any major decisions if I'm feeling overwhelmed emotionally.

I am more sensitive but I think I have always been; that's probably why I got involved with the whole "mental health system" to begin with.

 

I do feel like I still have a back log of emotions to process thru, esp some grief and anger.
I always feel much better when I am able to access these feelings.

 

it's such a relief, after over 2 decades of being numb and unable to feel, to really FEEL things again. Even the unpleasant stuff.
I just remind myself that feelings are a package deal, you can't experience the good ones without having to deal with the unpleasant ones, that's just the way it is.

 

I  have been feeling even MORE settled into my self and my life lately.

It amazes me that I've felt more or less fully healed and still find that more healing is happening as more time passes.

 

I was happy with my life 10 mos ago, and now I am even happier. that didn't seem possible. I thought I'd reached the "this is as good as it gets" point months ago, and it just keeps getting better.

 

I get angry sometimes, though, when I think about how much of my life was "wasted" not enjoying things the way I do now. I don't dwell on that, but I do think my anger is justified and understandable.

 

still, things happen the way they do for  a reason, maybe I would not have made the most of this opportunity if it had happened earlier in my life, I don't know.

there's so much we can't know, we just accept what is, and move forward. Right?

 

hoping that healing is happenin' for everyone at least in some small way every day.

 

now, I want to do a 5K benefit run/walk (I don't run, I'll be walking) in late October and I need to come up with a costume as it's close to Halloween

 

anyone got any ideas??

 

 

[Carmie]

Hi Happy2Heal, 

 

Just wanted to say I really enjoyed reading your post. I’m glad the withdrawals are behind you but we are all still works in progress. We always will be. Everyone in this world is a work in progress. 

 

Im so glad you are feeling emotions n are working through them and making sense of them. 

 

Wishing you all the best💚

 

[Happy2Heal]

8 hours ago, Carmie said:

Hi Happy2Heal, 

 

Just wanted to say I really enjoyed reading your post. I’m glad the withdrawals are behind you but we are all still works in progress. We always will be. Everyone in this world is a work in progress. 

 

Im so glad you are feeling emotions n are working through them and making sense of them. 

 

Wishing you all the best💚

 

thanks so much Carmie

 

I agree, we are a work in progress

 

[Happy2Heal]

um......

 

what I thought was a back log of grief seems to be "morphing" into something else.........??
I don't know.

 

I had a couple of days where I would get choked up and cry about the smallest things... some were memories of past losses, but other times, it just seemed to come out of the blue.

That's why I was thinking it was just grief I hadn't processed yet.

 

but then I started to get very irritated and impatient with everyone and everything, just a general sense of aggravation.

 

yesterday I almost had a confrontation with someone at the Sr Center. Now, keep in mind that I don't like her and she doesn't like me, and that's ok, we don't have to like everyone, right? but, she is the director and she does make the rules. I was filling out the paperwork to use the new exercise equipment that they put in at the Center and she was being her usual bitchy, bossy self, and usually I just smile and nod my head and go along to get along, you know?

 

but suddenly this feeling of intense anger came over me, and I just felt like I was about to lose it and blow up at her... and had to walk away before I exploded.

 

It took awhile to calm myself down, and even then, every little thing was bothering me.

It was almost like the way I felt before and during my periods, way back when I used to have those.

 

I  had read on some threads here about a "10 month wave" and now I am wondering, is that what this is?

I have had a few off nights too, not sleeping well and waking up a few times with my heart pounding.

I shrugged that off to over eating (which is probably still a factor,- anytime I eat higher fat or sugar foods, I have this issue with some physical symptoms of hot flashes and some disturbed sleep)

 

how long does a 10 month wave last?

 

I really thought once things got this much better, there was no going back - or back wards, as it seems to feel. Now I am feeling a bit shaky and nervous that this could get worse.

 

I've even had a bit of tinnitus again, which is annoying.

 

I guess all I do is ride it out. 

But I knew something was not right when I suddenly had this feeling like it had been a mistake to stop taking the lexapro- this idea popped into my head that I'd not be feeling these intense feelings if I was still "medicated"....!!!!!!!!!! what the heLL?!?!

 

maybe I've been just taking recovery too much for granted and this is kind of throwing me off balance a bit.

 

Gonna try to keep to the usual plan, but I do feel like I need to stay away from ppl til my emotional spirals are under control.

I even snapped at the UPS driver and that is so not like me.

he put my pkgs in the wrong place and I was on the verge of swearing at him............

smh

I don't do stuff like that, esp over such a minor thing!!
 

so yeh, quite a surprise, that's for sure

 

almost afraid to leave the house today but at least I'm now fully aware that things are a bit off, so I can stay on top of it.

 

[Happy2Heal]

oh my I just looked at the date that I joined SA,  Dec 2015

I had already been trying to get off the lexapro on my own and had totally de stabilized my nervous system at that point, but didn't realize it

 

anyway when I noticed that date I burst into tears

 

what a long journey this has been!

I don't know why I am crying- because it was hard and so long or because it seems today that it's still not even over yet??

 

I just feel sad a lot the past few days. 😕

 

 

I also looked around at the other dates that folks joined here and felt this awful sadness intensify

 

I need to get myself together and  get to the Y for my swim class

I hope I don't start crying there!

 

[Rosetta]

Ohh, oh, oh!  I'm sorry you are feeling all these emotions, but I think it is a wave.  It has been 10 months on the dot!  I've been having lots of emotional stuff, too.  Crying, anger, sadness for the whole world -- I can relate so well, and I'm at almost 18 months.  

 

It's great that you can recognize that you are overreacting to people and can rein it in.  Doesn't that feel kind of good?  Control of your emotions even if they are strong?  Knowing to pull back and avoid people like that director person who wants to lord it over you?  (Ugh.)  

 

You'll be over this soon, and I think you will be pleasantly surprised to see improvements you didn't know were necessary.  Meanwhile, I'm feeling sad with you off and on.  Not fun, but I'm looking forward to feeling better than ever soon.

 

Peace, Rosetta

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

thanks so much Rosetta

wow, I am really getting slammed with out of control emotions, mostly deep sadness but with some random flares of anger at nothing much really.

 

not sleeping well, last night I had a terrible nightmare that woke me up. It seemed so real! and so scary.

 

it's funny, I remember when I was in acute withdrawal and thinking, I'll never take good health/feeling good for granted again for the rest of my life...!

huh, well, that's exactly what I did, I had a long long stretch of feeling really good and took it for granted. At least that's the way it seems now.

 

so you're at 18 mos off? did you have a 10 month wave? looks like your tapers were pretty quick...?
I was up and down for so many years leading up to getting off for good, that I was basically destabilized for a long time, but didn't realize it.

Looking back NOW,  with that 20/20 vision, I can see how I was on a terrible roller coaster of withdrawal symptoms from trying to go down in the dose too quickly several times. It's really a miracle, when I think about it, that I am doing so well, at least up til now.  😕

 

I hope this wave is short. I am scrambling to try to remember some of the coping tools I haven't needed to use for a long time. I am having trouble in social situations, I feel "off" and it must show, because I'm getting feedback that tells me others are uncomfortable in my presence.  I want to spend time with friends but I don't feel like I'm very good company and am thinking maybe I should just stay home, I don't know. Most of my friends are fairly new ones and I don't want to stress out a new-ish friendship with my off mood.  

 

 

hoping things settle for you soon!

 

 

 

[manymoretodays]

Hi Happy2Heal,

Let's see.......on Halloween costumes that you can walk/run in and swimming! 

Yay........I love doing Zenful swimming. 

On the costume, what came to mind first was creating a big capsule that you could be.........and then somehow sharing the message "to stop over medicating America".  Maybe a pill form would work better and then with some lettering across the front and back.........like a circular sandwich board?  Of course, it depends on the benefit that is sponsoring it.......yet, maybe not.........surely it would generate opportunities for teaching and sharing your experiences........it could make a difference for someone.

Love, peace, healing, and growth baby growth,

mmt

 

Edited August 12, 2018 by manymoretodays

[Happy2Heal]

thanks MMD

 

ha, that's a great idea for a costume!! I'd like to do something like that but I''ve had some very bad reactions to trying to educate ppl about the dangers of these drugs, esp from ppl still on them. I  don't feel like I'm the right person to do that, and it probably would not be the best time, either  But it's a wonderful idea!!

 

I made this comment on another thread and feel like i should include it here:

I am quite shaken by this current wave. Things were going so well. I had motivation and felt satisfied with my life, I was looking forward to things in the future, I was sleeping so much better and now- POOF!
I'm overly emotional, crying a lot with some rushes of irrational anger, and then I don't feel anything.  Food is either tasteless or tastes bad.

I am having trouble thinking clearly. I feel disconnected again from my self and the rest of the world. 

 

I know I'll get thru this but I just gotta be honest here, THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!

 

 

[direstraits]

I'm so sorry H2H

This  process is so cruel...hope you're feeling better again soon

big hugs,ds

xx

[manymoretodays]

  Yes it does!  Mamma never did tell us it would be easy though........I mean this whole life thing and challenges and all.........

Look at it as growth.  Personal, spiritual.......whatever works for you. 

 

......and hopefully a short one H2H, this wave of yours........use your skills, use your skills!  Give yourself and a tree a hug today!

Perhaps I will do that costume and find a wee child to take trick or treating........Idk, there will probably be some party to go to somewhere by then.  I'm still in late winter myself.......I should be up to spring and summer by late October.  😻

 

sending all my healing powers, intentions, and faith,

mmt

Edited August 12, 2018 by manymoretodays
elaboration, of course

[Happy2Heal]

2 hours ago, direstraits said:

I'm so sorry H2H

This  process is so cruel...hope you're feeling better again soon

big hugs,ds

xx

 

thanks DS

how are you doing?

[Happy2Heal]

2 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

  Yes it does!  Mamma never did tell us it would be easy though........I mean this whole life thing and challenges and all.........

Look at it as growth.  Personal, spiritual.......whatever works for you. 

 

......and hopefully a short one H2H, this wave of yours........use your skills, use your skills!  Give yourself and a tree a hug today!

Perhaps I will do that costume and find a wee child to take trick or treating........Idk, there will probably be some party to go to somewhere by then.  I'm still in late winter myself.......I should be up to spring and summer by late October.  😻

 

sending all my healing powers, intentions, and faith,

mmt

thanks MMD

 

my inner child is whining, "but I don't  want to grow, I want to be comfortable and happy"   

 

I know, I need to just accept this but oh my I just do not want to. I had plans, and now my plans have gone right out the window 😕

 

 

I'm having other symptoms,  but as soon as I notice what they are, my mind has moved on to something else so when I come to write them down, I've already forgotten what they are LOL

that should tip me off that these are pretty mild symptoms if I can forget them that fast but I just feel - awful.

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

oh so much for having good coping skills! I feel like I'm clinging to this forum today much like I did in the earliest days of WD/recovery, when things were so bad and I was so scared. I'm not scared now, but I do feel very insecure and off balance and I'm here, clinging to the place where I've gotten the best support over these past couple of years. thank goodness for this place!!!!!!!!

 

I have been meaning to bring up this topic on my thread but put it off because I was busy living and enjoying life.
Today, not so much LOL

so I guess I"ll mention it now.

I don't seem to like myself very much. I am super critical of everything I do. I am also often comparing what I do to what others do, and wondering if they are judging me, when in fact, I am very much judging myself.

 

this is NOT how I used to be. I don't know when I realized that the feeling of being comfortable with myself was gone. 

I am not depressed,  at least I don't think I am.

 

I don't know if this is a withdrawal symptom or what..........

 

I have short periods when I am settled and feel peaceful and while knowing I'm not perfect, I feel like I"m a "good enough person".

 

I am confused I guess.

 

 

has anyone else had this as part of WD/recovery? a general sense of dislike for yourself? 

 

Maybe I should read thru my thread and see if this has happened in the past.............

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Rosetta]

8 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

thanks so much Rosetta . . .

 

 

so you're at 18 mos off? did you have a 10 month wave? looks like your tapers were pretty quick...?
I was up and down for so many years leading up to getting off for good, that I was basically destabilized for a long time, but didn't realize it.

Looking back NOW,  with that 20/20 vision, I can see how I was on a terrible roller coaster of withdrawal symptoms from trying to go down in the dose too quickly several times. It's really a miracle, when I think about it, that I am doing so well, at least up til now.  😕 . . . 

 

 

 

EDITED:  I was in WD from very early on even before the switch from Celexa to Zoloft.  It must have been from missing doses or raising the dose.  Who knows.  It was not right in 2002, but it got worse in 2007.  Then, the switch in 2011 and finally quitting in 2017. It's been nothing but negative from these drugs except when I would stabilize at one dose for a while.  That's when I thought, "Oh, I just needed a higher dose!"  So, how, again, is that not addiction?!!!!  

 

I had a 12 month wave, I think, but my very worst months were months 8 and 9.  So, I really just thought I was having windows and waves continuously.  Month 10 was when I saw my first partial window.

 

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

I don't seem to like myself very much. I am super critical of everything I do. I am also often comparing what I do to what others do, and wondering if they are judging me, when in fact, I am very much judging myself.

this is NOT how I used to be. I don't know when I realized that the feeling of being comfortable with myself was gone. 

 

I am not depressed,  at least I don't think I am.

 

I don't know if this is a withdrawal symptom or what..........

 

I have short periods when I am settled and feel peaceful and while knowing I'm not perfect, I feel like I"m a "good enough person".

 

I am confused I guess.

 

 

has anyone else had this as part of WD/recovery? a general sense of dislike for yourself? 

 

Maybe I should read thru my thread and see if this has happened in the past.............

 

 

Yes, I do think it's WD.  I think it's the brain getting it "wrong" while it's trying to get back to normal.  I have so many thoughts, emotions, and feelings that are not familiar to me.  Or, there are some that I have and I remember them from the past while I was struggling through life on the meds.  How much of my inability to figure out life was because my brain never had stability?!  

 

I often think that I don't like myself, and then I wonder "why?"  I really don't like it that I can't handle stress or I meltdown or I get irritable, of course.  But not liking myself as a whole?  Why?  That's ridiculous.  I think I'm a good person.  I think it's a form of anhedonia.

[Rosetta]

3 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

I

 

[Happy2Heal]

14 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Yes, I do think it's WD.  I think it's the brain getting it "wrong" while it's trying to get back to normal.  I have so many thoughts, emotions, and feelings that are not familiar to me.  Or, there are some that I have and I remember them from the past while I was struggling through life on the meds.  How much of my inability to figure out life was because my brain never had stability?!  

 

I often think that I don't like myself, and then I wonder "why?"  I really don't like it that I can't handle stress or I meltdown or I get irritable, of course.  But not liking myself as a whole?  Why?  That's ridiculous.  I think I'm a good person.  I think it's a form of anhedonia

 

I really hope this is a WD symptom. I guess maybe I am a little depressed........? whatever that means. I find myself on the verge of crying a lot and I don't know why.

 

maybe my feeling of disliking myself is just an extension of my overall feeling of being uncomfortable and irritable. I sure hope so.

I know from reading thru my thread that just very very recently, I felt good, hell I felt great but now that seems like it wasn't real, you know? 
I was finally able to cobble together a few good hours of sleep, so I'm not as tired at least.

I hope this wave ends soon.

 

I thought I was finally in a place where I could make commitments and follow thru. I have a few people counting on me to do certain things and I just not able to do them now.

so frustrating!!

I can't even tell them when I'll be able to get this work done. Who is going to understand this? I will have to come up with some plausible 'excuse' since the real reason would be too hard for anyone to believe or understand.

 

thanks for sharing your experiences Rosetta.

 

I know things will get better, all that healing that I've already done, it can't be undone, right?

😕
 

[Rosetta]

Right.  It can't be undone.  I'm so sorry you feel you can't follow through.  That is so upsetting.  

 

The feeling you are about to cry is very normal.  I have had that a lot. It feels like frustration.  Frustration happens when the brain is learning something.  Your brain is changing and that's a similar process to learning.  I know this disrupts your life, but it will be a good thing in the end.

 

You did have an amazing window!  You felt great.  I wish you could remember it.  I'm so glad you posted about it here.  It was real.  

 

You just have to tell people you are sick.  No need to explain further.  If you are very firm and clear about it they will accept it.  You can say "I've been having some health problems lately."  If they press you, be a broken record.

[FarmGirlWorks]

On 8/12/2018 at 7:29 AM, manymoretodays said:

On the costume, what came to mind first was creating a big capsule that you could be.........and then somehow sharing the message "to stop over medicating America".  Maybe a pill form would work better and then with some lettering across the front and back.........like a circular sandwich board?  Of course, it depends on the benefit that is sponsoring it.......yet, maybe not.........surely it would generate opportunities for teaching and sharing your experiences........it could make a difference for someone.

Great minds (even if they were jumbled by drugs) think alike: I was thinking a giant capsule with fake blood smeared on it but @manymoretodays idea is probably kinder 🙂 Clearly, I'm still angry at Pfizer.

 

"maybe my feeling of disliking myself is just an extension of my overall feeling of being uncomfortable and irritable. I sure hope so. "

I think that is def a WD symptom. I had a brief window a few weeks ago and the self-loathing magically disappeared. Hang in there... it is so hard but know (even if you can't remember the feeling) that you were in a good place recently. It will come back.

[Happy2Heal]

On 8/13/2018 at 6:03 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

"maybe my feeling of disliking myself is just an extension of my overall feeling of being uncomfortable and irritable. I sure hope so. "

I think that is def a WD symptom. I had a brief window a few weeks ago and the self-loathing magically disappeared. Hang in there... it is so hard but know (even if you can't remember the feeling) that you were in a good place recently. It will come back

 

thanks FGW

I think you're right, that feeling is not as strong now.

 

oh yes I hate the drug companies too! I understand wanting to make money but when you put so many lives at risk- that's totally unacceptable. and yet it happens in many industries, such as the automotive industry and that problem with the air bags... I guess it's always been this way,  there's always been people without ethics or morals who would do anything for a buck, so to speak but it seems like now, those types are in charge of HUGE industries with the potential to injure huge numbers of people- vs say, your old time snake oil dealer who didn't have that kind of big customer base.

 

but regardless, we are going to triumph and get better!!

 

[Happy2Heal]

On 8/13/2018 at 11:16 AM, Rosetta said:

Right.  It can't be undone.  I'm so sorry you feel you can't follow through.  That is so upsetting.  

 

The feeling you are about to cry is very normal.  I have had that a lot. It feels like frustration.  Frustration happens when the brain is learning something.  Your brain is changing and that's a similar process to learning.  I know this disrupts your life, but it will be a good thing in the end.

 

You did have an amazing window!  You felt great.  I wish you could remember it.  I'm so glad you posted about it here.  It was real.  

 

You just have to tell people you are sick.  No need to explain further.  If you are very firm and clear about it they will accept it.  You can say "I've been having some health problems lately."  If they press you, be a broken record.

 

 

thanks Rosetta, that is a great suggestion! I will definitely use that. If they don't understand, well, that's their problem not mine, right? I can't imagine arguing with someone who told me they had to back out of a commitment for health reasons, and then pressing for details, that's just totally inappropriate.

 

I forget that I have privacy rights too. I never had them growing up. 

 

I'm going to have to read my thread to remind myself of when things were going well. I do seem to be getting better, but I'm kind of in a blah place, with anhedonia, I guess.

I almost prefer the crying a lot to this!  at least I was feeling something.

I have to admit, I am fighting the rising anxiety about a bad wave. Compared to early WD/recovery,  the symptoms I have now are almost laughingly minor, but compared to how good I felt recently, they are distressing to me

 

I know that worrying about it getting worse is counterproductive so I'm trying to fight that fear. Or face it, I get so confused in the face of fears and anxiety.

Acknowledge, accept and float------

that's it, not fight it!

 

ack! I always want to fight it.

 

honestly, my fear of the symptoms getting worse, is my biggest issue right now, not the symptoms themselves.

and I see that I'm repeating myself LOL

 

I guess I am a wee bit anxious

 

 

 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

starting to feel better, hoping this wave is ending............

 

 

[Littlegrandma]

👏👏 that’s great H2H

i hope it’s so!!

[Happy2Heal]

feeling pretty good today, fingers crossed that the wave is over

 

 

wow, that was kind of unsettling. 😕

even though I knew it was a possibility, I sometimes still think of myself as a "special case" and things that commonly happen for others wont happen to me

*rolls eyes*

 

that sort of thinking is what caused me to be plunged into acute WD almost 2 yrs ago. Sometimes I wonder if I have a learning disability LOL 

 

how are you doing LG? hope all is well