success ☼ Happy2Heal: Hope I'm doing this right

[Rosetta]

Glad you are feeling better!

[mirage]

@Happy2Heal Hang in there friend. Stay strong. You don't owe anyone any explanations. It is none of their business why you feel bad. Just tell them you aren't sure what is going on and you are still waiting for some tests to be done. 

 

I completely understand when you say you feel better than you did in acute withdrawal but that the symptoms in the waves, now are awful and rough. I know I am much better than I was at this time last year. However, my waves are pretty strong and they sure make you forget that you had better days and that you will, continue to have better days. It is the, one step forward...5 back. Healing is happening. 

 

Hugs and prayers

[Happy2Heal]

at the risk of "jinxing' things,  things have indeed gotten better.

 

the mild symptoms of what must be that infamous 10 month post zero wave are gone, as far as I can tell

 

I had some tinnitus, some morning cortisol spikes and early morning dread (very mild compared to acute wd, but still uncomfortable) I think I had some DP/DR, not really sure... some issues with neuro emotions (mostly anger and sadness) and some anhedonia thrown in

 

Such a strange wave!! 

but- I feel really good today.

 

 

 

 

I hope that's the end to all this crap, LOL but  I won't be surprised  if my brain still needs to tweak things

 

If I had tapered properly, I would have gotten to 'zero' in early 2019. 

So to my mind, it would not be unreasonable to still be having mild symptoms into early next year or even a bit beyond

 

but to anyone who is just starting out, or is currently in acute withdrawal, plz do not be discouraged by this-  this wave was laughingly mild. I just know that they were not your normal "bad days" that everyone has from time to time because there was no "real life" trigger and because the symptoms were all the same ones I had before from WD but much MUCH milder versions of those symptoms. Sleep disruption, some hot flashes, mild anxiety,  feelings of worthlessness, morning dread and the like.

 

so, I think I'm now back to my regularly scheduled life

my 2 foster rats are leaving for their new home today and 3 new foster girls are being dropped off at the same time

I'm getting rats that are on maternity watch! so excited!! these will be my first possibly pregnant rats.
While I do hope they are NOT pregnant, rats are so over bred as it is,  it would be nice to have a litter of newborns, I've never done that before.

I'll know in about 2 weeks,  IF they are pregnant they'd be about half way to term now.

I'll start weighing them every day, they'll gain a lot of wt quickly if they're gonna have babies

 

must get things ready!!

 

 

 

[Rosetta]

You have no idea how I needed to hear this, Happy.  I have been waking up every morning feeling awful, and it seems as if this will be my life forever.  To know that someday I will wake up every day feeling safe and looking forward to life -- I need that desperately.  I continue to wake up and think, "Oh, yes.  I'm still here in a strange purgatory."  It seems that I'm going to go in and out of waves for the rest of my life.  That the chaos in my brain will never leave.  

 

I'm glad you are feeling good.  Run with that and live life!  Please keep letting us know about your good days. -Rosetta

[Happy2Heal]

this just showed up in my newsfeed on FB, let me see if I can share it here

 

[Carmie]

Hi Happy2Heal, 

 

Glad to heal that your symptoms have subsided again. It takes a while for our poor little brains to stabilise with what these meds have done. 

 

What fun to play with rats. I’ve never owned any but I’ve played with friend’s rats. Such fun! They’re soooo cute. 

 

Sending hugs🤗

[Rosetta]

I love the rat picture!!! Hilarious!

[manymoretodays]

Me too!!!  ❤️

[FarmGirlWorks]

On 8/16/2018 at 7:58 AM, Happy2Heal said:

wow, that was kind of unsettling. 😕

even though I knew it was a possibility, I sometimes still think of myself as a "special case" and things that commonly happen for others wont happen to me

*rolls eyes*

Hahahahahaha... me too! Then I am so pissed when another wave rolls in. * That rat pic is great! Glad you're feeling better.

[Happy2Heal]

thanks FarmGirlWorks

 

I've been doing pretty well since my last post but I am having these very short waves from time to time, not every day, maybe er, very other day at most....

OR it's a PTSD thing- I really can't tell sometimes

 

It will be when something is not going right,  like if I feel rushed, or I realize I made a mistake on something and am going to have to re do it, the feeling that I get brings me back to how I felt in acute WD .

I get a sick deja vu feeling,

so I don't know that this is a wave....?

it's more like a re living of those bad feelings.

It's hard to explain.

 

it's unpleasant but if I just acknowledge the feeling and talk back to it, it helps to remember that feelings don't dictate what I do in my life.

that can be a hard thing to remember!
I've been feeling very unappreciated by the rescue that I volunteer for, and was almost thinking of cutting back on what I do,

but hey! wait a minute, I told myself.
just because I feel unappreciated, doesn't mean that I am.

and even if I am, that shouldn't be what determines what I do.

I volunteer to help the rats, primarily, not for any recognition or praise or whatever

 

Have to admit, it would be nice to hear a bit of gratitude or something for all the work and time I put in... but it's no reason to go off in a huff and do less, ya know?

sometimes I'm so silly!
feelings are tricky devils.

Back when I didn't feel them, life *was* simpler -flat and boring, but simpler LOL

now I have to negotiate all these feelings.

 

 

 

I'm sleeping a whole lot better than I have at any other time in the past 3 years so that's really awesome!
 

Looking forward to cooler weather and the gorgeous fall leaves, Autumn in New England is just wonderful.

 

I'm taking a scenic train trip around a lake in Oct with a friend, there's a catered dinner on board. I love trains, and I've never been to this lake before, so I'm very excited about that.

 

still 2 mos away, though. LOL
yeh I"m tired of the heat, but not looking forward to the snow and crap

some days you just can't please me LOL

I'd love for it to be 70 degrees all year round.

 

 

hope everyone is doing well

 

[direstraits]

Hi, @Happy2Heal you sound like such a sensitive,insightful person.

I think youre doing great and you'll be fine.

 

I'm looking forward to fall,also after this miserable summer in the east.😦

the train trip sounds wonderful,I would love something like that...hope you have agreat time!

love,ds

xx

ps loved the rat pic,too!

[Rosetta]

I'm glad you are feeling better.  Good points!  Just because we feel unhappy doesn't mean we have to let that feeling take over.  We can change the channel.  Maybe this awful experience will help me learn that deep down so that it sticks!

[Happy2Heal]

On 8/25/2018 at 10:23 AM, direstraits said:

Hi, @Happy2Heal you sound like such a sensitive,insightful person.

I think youre doing great and you'll be fine.

 

I'm looking forward to fall,also after this miserable summer in the east.😦

the train trip sounds wonderful,I would love something like that...hope you have agreat time!

love,ds

xx

ps loved the rat pic,too!

thanks so much DS

How are things going for you?

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

14 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I'm glad you are feeling better.  Good points!  Just because we feel unhappy doesn't mean we have to let that feeling take over.  We can change the channel.  Maybe this awful experience will help me learn that deep down so that it sticks!

oh I can relate!! I need to put a note on my fridge about this one!  I let my emotions dictate what I do and often what I say to myself and others.

I still have a lot of work to do on stuff like that.

After that last wave, I've once again found myself in a higher level of being healed, it seems.

 

It always surprises me when this happens. I had thought that things were as good as they could get, and then BOOM! something else gets better.

 

There is a lot less "noise' In my head, and I am able to direct my thoughts more easily to pleasant things and to just simple day dreaming.

Before it was a struggle to sort out what thoughts to pay attention to, bad memories and bursts of uncomfortable feelings were swirling around in my head a lot of the time.

I still have trouble occasionally if I wake up the middle of the night, some thought will pop into my head that causes me some dread BUT this is totally different from before.  Before, there was the feeling of dread FIRST and I would try to "attach" it to to a thought of something dreadful.

 

now, I will think of something unpleasant (global climate change is still a big one for me) and it will fill me with dread. However, I am able to meditate and breathe and get myself back into the present moment. I can calm myself pretty quickly.

 

 

 

so while being mostly healed is GREAT, it doesn't mean that I've got no issues to work on. 

 

but I no longer have that horrible chemical numbness and apathy. so very glad that's gone!!!

 

[direstraits]

3 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

thanks so much DS

How are things going for you?

 

 

still making slow progress,thanks for asking.

it's weird,I didn't sleep well last night but doing pretty good today,even took a short walk 

I have to be careful not to get too trapped inside my head,it's so easy to spiral down with negative thinking.

still deal with a lot of anxiety ...some days better than others,I know I need to be moving more but sometimes it's so hard to get going.

anyway,overall think it's getting better,I hope!

 

here's to more healing on the way!

ds

xx

 

[Happy2Heal]

On 8/26/2018 at 4:18 PM, direstraits said:

have to be careful not to get too trapped inside my head,it's so easy to spiral down with negative thinking.

 

 

me too, that's been an issue mot of this week for me

 

I had one night that I couldn't sleep so rather than just lay there, I got up and got a lot of stuff done. Next thing I knew, it was 4 am

I slept for maybe 2 hrs and got up and didn't feel tired most of that day

but by 6 pm I was exhausted

BUT I was too tired to sleep!!

 

ever have that happen?

I've had like 4 nights in a row with very poor sleep.

 

lack of sleep has put me in a bad place mentally- I've been feeling overwhelmed, and a bit depressed and very unsure of myself

so much so, that friends are giving me advice on ways to boost my confidence!!
I don't know how to tell them that I think this is only temporary

- at least, I hope it is only temporary

I seem to have lapsed back in to some negative self talk. I need to work on that.

 

anyway, I hope your  anxiety goes away  DS.  Whenever I have a jolt of anxiety I try to convince myself that it's excitement instead

Kinda psych myself up, you know?

 

sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't LOL

funny thing is, I"m most apt to feel a bit of anxiety when I've been very relaxed....... it's like I suddenly think, oh my, is it ok for me to feel this relaxed and comfortable?

I have PTSD so I guess I'm used to feeling on guard a lot, so any time I really relax, I worry that I'm not being vigilant enough

 

ah, that's right, one of the issues with PTSD is hyper vigilance.

pfffffffft

 

oh got that all sorted out.

 

I am sooooooooo tired, I know I'm babbling, that's what I do when I"m tired LOL
I hope I can sleep tonight!

 

[direstraits]

oh,yeah

so tired but can't sleep...been there done that,so frustrating.

I know,it's so hard to break out of old thought patterns,isn't it?

my father was avery negative person and just couldn't seem to cope with anything that didn't go his way.

not a good environment to grow up in....I wonder ,can we ever overcome our dysfunctional childhoods.

Ican relate to the hypervigilance you mentioned.

 

anyway this is your thread and I'm going on about me.

I really hope your sleep improves,you've been doing so well.

 

keep healing...ds

xx

[Carmie]

Hi H2H, 

 

Sorry to hear that u are trapped a little in negative self talk. Do u journal or do EFT? I’ve been slack with both these things but I’m going to incorporate it into my life on a daily basis from now on. Started journaling last night again n am going to start doing FasterEft tomorrow.

 

These two things really help me n I have decided to stop procrastinating. You can do this Carmie😄! Hope u find something to help with the days you feel low. 

 

Hope also you’re having as happy a day as u can today 💚💚

[Happy2Heal]

On 8/31/2018 at 7:47 PM, direstraits said:

oh,yeah

so tired but can't sleep...been there done that,so frustrating.

I know,it's so hard to break out of old thought patterns,isn't it?

my father was avery negative person and just couldn't seem to cope with anything that didn't go his way.

not a good environment to grow up in....I wonder ,can we ever overcome our dysfunctional childhoods.

Ican relate to the hypervigilance you mentioned.

 

anyway this is your thread and I'm going on about me.

I really hope your sleep improves,you've been doing so well.

 

keep healing...ds

xx

oh no worries, plz do go on about you, I've been meaning to stop by your thread and see how you are.

 

I think we can overcome our backgrounds but it's a lot of work. sometimes I truly resent that, but then I remember that things could be worse, and stop feeling sorry for myself

 

we all have our own challenges, right? this just seems to be one of mine/ours

 

my sleep is getting a wee bit better. Stressing about it has not helped, but I got so tired, it was hard *not* to get stressed

 

there are some changes in my life that may make things a lot less stressful so I"m hopeful things will improve soon

 

thanks for your input

 

[Happy2Heal]

On 9/1/2018 at 10:08 PM, Carmie said:

Hi H2H, 

 

Sorry to hear that u are trapped a little in negative self talk. Do u journal or do EFT? I’ve been slack with both these things but I’m going to incorporate it into my life on a daily basis from now on. Started journaling last night again n am going to start doing FasterEft tomorrow.

 

These two things really help me n I have decided to stop procrastinating. You can do this Carmie😄! Hope u find something to help with the days you feel low. 

 

Hope also you’re having as happy a day as u can today 💚💚

 

 

hi Carmie

what is EFT?

 

I don't journal, I'm very resistant to putting things in writing partly because I have trouble writing by hand now, and partly because I have privacy issues (esp if I were to write stuff online, since typing is now easier for me) But as I understand it, journaling works best if it's handwritten

I really should give it  a try though

 

 

thanks for the good wishes, hope things are going well for you too!!

 

[Happy2Heal]

Pfffffffft. well, I had another wave. another short one and fairly mild but with different symptoms

 

this time, executive function was messed up- I couldn't do things that I know how to do, like sew. It was so frustrating!

had some periods of emotional instability, mood all over the place, sad, mad, aggravated, a bit panicked about some health issues that have resolved now that I'm calmer. 

a bit of anhedonia and lack of motivation

 

It seems I was trying to do too much. I've cut back on my work for the rat rescue and that almost instantly made things better.

 

I need to pay more attention to the signs that I'm getting in over my head. I have times when I can do a lot and function perfectly normally, and indeed much better than in the past, 

but other times when I can't seem to handle much at all but the very basics

 

 

I guess there's a good reason you need to wait at least a year to write your success story, eh?

 

overall, however, still doing wonderfully, esp in comparison to early acute WD/recovery, 

these tiny waves are nothing compared to that!!

 

 

[Rosetta]

I'm glad you are feeling better and more positive.  It is very frustrating when executive function is not functioning.  It's even more frustrating when the mood issue intersects with poor exec function.  I'm glad you got through to the other side and that you could back off on the rat rescue project.  Here's to a long, calm and productive window!

[Carmie]

On 9/4/2018 at 11:16 PM, Happy2Heal said:

 

 

hi Carmie

what is EFT?

 

I don't journal, I'm very resistant to putting things in writing partly because I have trouble writing by hand now, and partly because I have privacy issues (esp if I were to write stuff online, since typing is now easier for me) But as I understand it, journaling works best if it's handwritten

I really should give it  a try though

 

 

thanks for the good wishes, hope things are going well for you too!!

 

 

Hi H2H, 

Eft or FasterEft is tapping on meridian points, you release emotions n fears connected with experiences you’ve had so that you no longer have an intense reaction whenever you think about these things. I prefer the FasterEft as there are less points to tap on n you don’t need to say certain words while you’re tapping. There are heaps of free videos on YouTube. I have found it extremely beneficial. 

 

I’ve started journaling n I’m on a roll with that now, I’m finding it so beneficial. I journal both on paper n on my computer depending on how I’m feeling. I find both work well.

 

If you find it hard to write on paper just write on your computer. You don’t have to put it online n you don’t have to show anyone else. It’s just for you. I find getting all those ruminating thoughts out of my mind really does help. 

 

Take care, sending hugs🤗

[Happy2Heal]

thanks Carmie, I'll check that out

 

I keep sitting down to journal and then my mind wanders or I find I've got nothing to write!

 

so weird

 

I had a funny night last night-  my mind went all mushy on me, I was talking but the wrong words kept coming out. I was getting all sorts of things wrong, and repeated myself a few times. Luckily I was with someone who knows what I've been going thru, and we just laughed it off, but it was a bit annoying. 

I am still having waves, mostly pretty short ones and extremely mild but annoying.

I had plans, dammit! I had planned to write a "fully recovered" success story next month and now I'm much less sure of that...

or rather, I am now able to see more clearly what issues have to be recovery related, and what things are just issues I've always had that need to be worked on (lack of self confidence, trouble identifying emotions, issues from the past)

 

but over all things are good, if not great.

I have good friends and enjoy the time we spend together

 

I hope to branch out and find new friends, also looking for some new activities.

 

I'll give EFT a try, it sounds vaguely familiar, I think I may have tried early on in recovery.

 

thanks Carmie! how are you going?

[Carmie]

11 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

thanks Carmie, I'll check that out

 

I keep sitting down to journal and then my mind wanders or I find I've got nothing to write!

 

so weird

 

I had a funny night last night-  my mind went all mushy on me, I was talking but the wrong words kept coming out. I was getting all sorts of things wrong, and repeated myself a few times. Luckily I was with someone who knows what I've been going thru, and we just laughed it off, but it was a bit annoying. 

I am still having waves, mostly pretty short ones and extremely mild but annoying.

I had plans, dammit! I had planned to write a "fully recovered" success story next month and now I'm much less sure of that...

or rather, I am now able to see more clearly what issues have to be recovery related, and what things are just issues I've always had that need to be worked on (lack of self confidence, trouble identifying emotions, issues from the past)

 

but over all things are good, if not great.

I have good friends and enjoy the time we spend together

 

I hope to branch out and find new friends, also looking for some new activities.

 

I'll give EFT a try, it sounds vaguely familiar, I think I may have tried early on in recovery.

 

thanks Carmie! how are you going?

 

Hi again, 

 

Yes, when you first start journaling again it takes some discipline to just sit there n do it, but we’re thinking  all the time. It doesn’t have to be anything profound. I find I just start n then I just have one though after the other n when I’m done I feel better as all that ruminating is out of my head. I’ve come up with solutions to things doing that too. Typing down your thoughts is great because you can do it quicker n one thought leads to another. I do some journaling on paper too though. 

 

Yes, your experience I think is very common for people on here I’m sure. I’m glad you had a good laugh. Sometimes the words just don’t come out right n sometimes you say things n after you’ve said them you think how on earth did that come out like that. You know you’re intelligent but your brain has the hiccups.😄

 

I’m sorry you’re still in waves n even though you’re not ready to write your success story look how far you’ve comes. Your waves are mild n you are an inspiration to everyone on this site. You will definitely be writing your success story one day, just picture that in your mind. 

 

I’m glad you have good friends, I have lots of good friends too. I spent time with friends this morning, it’s good to have a chat n a laugh even when our brains don’t work.

 

 Here’s to one day writing your recovery story, sending hugs🤗

[Happy2Heal]

just stopping in to record this since my memory has turned to mush again  😂

 

had a couple of good nites sleep wise and last night slept long enough TWICE to have dreams!  YAY!!  I think this is the first time in at least 2 yrs that I went back to sleep after waking up with memories of dreams, to sleep longer and have more dreams 

 

my sleep pattern has remained very similar for a long time now- I get the best, most restful sleep in the first cycle, which is usually at least 90 mins long, sometimes as long as 2 1/2 hrs

 

then I sleep in approx 2 hr "naps" for the rest of the night, sometimes with very short periods of wakefulness in between, other times I may be awake for up to an hour or more before falling back to sleep

 

generally when I wake up anywhere from 5 am to 6:45, that's it, I'm not going to be able to get any more sleep. Even on a bad night, when I got very little sleep, the chances of going back to sleep after that time have been slim to none.

 

but I've been experimenting with getting up and moving to a different location (sofa to bed, bed to sofa, or bed to recliner) and have found that I can get another hour or even more of sleep that way sometimes 

 

 

I've been quite tired during the day, so of course my thinking is that I need more sleep at night, right?

so  I'm not making any early morning plans just in case I can squeeze in a bit more shut eye

 

 

 

I think it's paying off in more healing.  It's hard to say, the changes are more subtle now.  

 

I have had to admit to myself, to my great disappointment, that I am def having short but sometimes significant waves. Not serious ones, not really bad ones, but with symptoms that really can't be anything but WD/recovery. (to anyone just starting out and reading this; these are super short and very mild waves compared to early recovery- so please don't think that you've got years of acute symptoms ok)

I"ll dip down for a period of a few minutes to a couple of hours, of deeply depressed, dark feelings and thoughts. Then it's gone as quickly as it came.

 

Or I'll suddenly lose  executive function. and cant do simple things like sew, or organize things, etc

Or I'll get confused and mix up my words or have lapses of memory that last an hour or less and are gone.

so weird!

 

I'm just one month away from a total year off the lexapro.

I was optimistic that by now I'd have no symptoms but realistically, after approx 20 yrs on SSRIs (starting with zoloft, then celexa and then the beast of them all, lexapro) and over 4 decades on all sorts of pysch meds, I think I'm really doing remarkably well.

It wasn't realistic to think that I could erase over 4 decades of chemical assaults on my brain in such a short span. But my brain has done a TREMENDOUS amount of healing anyway!
I feel like it's just minor tweaks and clean up now, that's the way it seems at least.

 

 

so overall as usual, doing well

got nothing to complain about!!

 

 

 

 

[jozeff]

Hi h2h! 

 

Very good to read that you are steadily healing. So, you're one year off of Lexapro. Good job. I'm very curious how you will be doing in the near future. Seems like things are going in the right direction for you!!

 

Wish you all the best and happy healing from the Netherlands!

 

Cheers

 

Jozeff

[Happy2Heal]

On 9/13/2018 at 12:49 PM, jozeff said:

Hi h2h! 

 

Very good to read that you are steadily healing. So, you're one year off of Lexapro. Good job. I'm very curious how you will be doing in the near future. Seems like things are going in the right direction for you!!

 

Wish you all the best and happy healing from the Netherlands!

 

Cheers

 

Jozeff

 

 

not quite one year yet, Jozeff, it will be one year in October

😉

[Happy2Heal]

quick update:

was eating very poorly for about a week- all kinds of high fat, high sugar foods and things I don't normally eat.

It was an experiment to see how that might affect things.

 

well, it didn't make any difference in WD/recovery symptoms but Sat night I ate something at a Bingo game, that gave me food poisoning (severe stomach cramps and diarrhea, omgoodness it was bad!) I spent most of Sunday sleeping off and on when I could, in between runs to the bathroom.

 I even  managed to get some sleep off and on last night, which surprised me, since I spent so much time laying down during the day. 

 

my stomach's finally settled down after a day of just water.  I think  I'm going to keep doing a water fast for another day or so, just to clean things out and give my digestive tract a rest.  I'll see how it goes, if I get too hungry, I'll just add back some bland foods like oatmeal.

 

as far as the "10 month" wave goes, it seems to be over, knock wood.

 

it was up and down there for awhile and I was a bit discouraged but feeling on much more solid ground now.

whew!

 

 

 

 

[Alice1]

Hi H2H ,

It's been a while since we've spoke , but I wanted to express how thrilled I am to see you recovering so well . I recently got bored with my diet and had Waffle House 5 days in a row , and now I'm realizing it's ok to be bored ..

[Happy2Heal]

On 9/17/2018 at 12:26 PM, Alice1 said:

Hi H2H ,

It's been a while since we've spoke , but I wanted to express how thrilled I am to see you recovering so well . I recently got bored with my diet and had Waffle House 5 days in a row , and now I'm realizing it's ok to be bored ..

hahaha Hi Alice1 

yeh I learned the hard way that there's worse things than boredom

 

 

thanks for stopping by.

 

how are things going for you?

 

[Alice1]

Oh pretty rough . Just trying to stack the days together and let things play out without becoming to terribly distraught . It's tough though . As time goes by things seem to be tougher to manage , which doesn't surprise me ..

[Happy2Heal]

12 minutes ago, Alice1 said:

Oh pretty rough . Just trying to stack the days together and let things play out without becoming to terribly distraught . It's tough though . As time goes by things seem to be tougher to manage , which doesn't surprise me ..

oh sorry to hear that

 

I pray things settle down for you soon.

it will happen, but damn it takes so long!
I know

I am able to look back now to the last 5 yrs, when I was going up and down in my dose a lot and I see that basically threw me into withdrawal but I didn't even know it.

I did so many stupid things during that time, trying to get a handle on why I was feeling so bad.

 

Finding SA was the best thing that happened to me- I FINALLY found out what was wrong.

it's been pretty unpleasant going thru WD/recovery but it's been worth it, because I"m finally free and mostly healed.

I know for me, sometimes making a change in my environment or my daily activities helped to make the symptoms seem less "always there/always grinding at me"- if you know what I mean?
I guess the novelty was a good distraction. I don't know.

 

maybe you can try to plan something fun?

 

I hate hearing that ppl are still not doing well, I just want to reach out and hug everyone and make it all better

 

make all the bad stuff just go the eff away, you know?

 

but it will, it will!

 

 

[Rosetta]

I'm so happy your wave is over.  To eat whatever and have it NOT affect you!! Fantastic!

[Happy2Heal]

saw this on a post on FB and liked it

 

“No matter how hard you try to be what you once were, you can only be what you are here and now.”
― Ray Bradbury, Dandelion Wine

[Happy2Heal]

On 9/25/2018 at 8:55 AM, Happy2Heal said:

saw this on a post on FB and liked it

 

“No matter how hard you try to be what you once were, you can only be what you are here and now.”
― Ray Bradbury, Dandelion Wine

 

 

the reason I put this quote here is because I see a lot of pp on this forum asking, am I going to get back to who I used to be?

 

myself included. I don't know if I ever worded it exactly that way, but I did wonder, would I ever feel at home in my body and in my "head" again? 

the symptoms of WD/recovery seem to take over your entire life and your entire being.

 

well I can say now that yes, I do now feel mostly at home in my own body and in my own head. Not 100% of the time, not yet....

but I am sure that will come.

 

I am not, however, who I used to be, and I will never be who I used to be, and this is a good thing!!

I was started on psych drugs when I was just 18 years old. Over 4 decades have passed since then. Thank goodness- It's a damn good thing I"m not the person I was when I was 18!!

 

I am a lot older and at least a little bit wiser, hahaha

 

One thing that happened to me while I was "medicated" was that I never really kept up with the passing of time. I was not connected to reality, I was not changing much nor growing, I was stuck in a place where I had no real feelings, and no real impetus to change. 
I rarely left my house and didn't know or notice any of the huge changes in my community. I had no real friends, no social life except for FB (and not with anyone I'd actually ever met) I did some meager things with animals and sewing but that's about it. 

 

as hard as WD/recovery has been, it's pushed me WAY outside my comfort zone and forced me to grow. it's been painful but it's been worth it. I now have friends, I go out all the time, I starting to get more involved in volunteering in ways outside of my house, instead of the things I do for the rat rescue that tend not to involve much contact with others. I go the YMCA and work out in the pool and do yoga and stuff.

In roughly 2 weeks I"ll be hosting my first card party at my house! I am so excited!  The last time I hosted a party it was for Halloween for my daughter when she was in elementary school!

 

I still have more growing to do, I still have a lot of free time to fill and I'm not entirely sure what to do with it all. I now have a hard time being home and alone, when before that never bothered me, It was what I was used to. It boggles my mind when I think what my life used to be: I literally left my house MAYBE at most 4 times a month. Sometimes only twice. to get groceries and go to the Drs. Thats IT.

 

now If I have a day when I can't go out or have no where to go, I feel like I'm going to get cabin fever.

When I get up in the morning, all i want to do is get dressed and go somewhere.  So very different now!

 

I do still sometimes miss that feeling of nothing being wrong, that comfortable fuzzy fog that I was wrapped in that nothing could penetrate. 

but it wasn't living, It wasn't real, and I knew it then.

I tried to break out of it not realizing it was the drugs that had put me in that place. NOw that I am off them, I can see clearly how much damage they were doing to me!

 

 

I am coming up on one year totally off all drugs

 

I want to write my success story but I'm not sure if I'm ready.

I have to be honest and say that I am still having some tiny waves............ and there's no way to know how long those will last.

I sometimes have ringing in my ears, I sometimes have some early morning dread, I have the occasional cortisol spike in the middle of the night (usually after a day of indulging in junk food) I will sometimes have trouble with executive function, sometimes an episode of memory issues, just little things. always short lived but annoying. 

 

but the positives far out weigh these tiny little blips

I am basking in mostly wide open window, happy to greet each new day and wondering where life is going to take me next

 

what a journey!