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☼ Happy2Heal: Hope I'm doing this right

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Happy2Heal

quick update:

was eating very poorly for about a week- all kinds of high fat, high sugar foods and things I don't normally eat.

It was an experiment to see how that might affect things.

 

well, it didn't make any difference in WD/recovery symptoms but Sat night I ate something at a Bingo game, that gave me food poisoning (severe stomach cramps and diarrhea, omgoodness it was bad!) I spent most of Sunday sleeping off and on when I could, in between runs to the bathroom.

 I even  managed to get some sleep off and on last night, which surprised me, since I spent so much time laying down during the day. 

 

my stomach's finally settled down after a day of just water.  I think  I'm going to keep doing a water fast for another day or so, just to clean things out and give my digestive tract a rest.  I'll see how it goes, if I get too hungry, I'll just add back some bland foods like oatmeal.

 

as far as the "10 month" wave goes, it seems to be over, knock wood.:)

 

it was up and down there for awhile and I was a bit discouraged but feeling on much more solid ground now.

whew!

 

 

 

 

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Alice1

Hi H2H ,

It's been a while since we've spoke , but I wanted to express how thrilled I am to see you recovering so well . I recently got bored with my diet and had Waffle House 5 days in a row , and now I'm realizing it's ok to be bored ..

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Happy2Heal
On 9/17/2018 at 12:26 PM, Alice1 said:

Hi H2H ,

It's been a while since we've spoke , but I wanted to express how thrilled I am to see you recovering so well . I recently got bored with my diet and had Waffle House 5 days in a row , and now I'm realizing it's ok to be bored ..

hahaha Hi Alice1 

yeh I learned the hard way that there's worse things than boredom

 

 

thanks for stopping by.:)

 

how are things going for you?

 

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Alice1

Oh pretty rough . Just trying to stack the days together and let things play out without becoming to terribly distraught . It's tough though . As time goes by things seem to be tougher to manage , which doesn't surprise me ..

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Happy2Heal
12 minutes ago, Alice1 said:

Oh pretty rough . Just trying to stack the days together and let things play out without becoming to terribly distraught . It's tough though . As time goes by things seem to be tougher to manage , which doesn't surprise me ..

oh sorry to hear that

 

I pray things settle down for you soon.

it will happen, but damn it takes so long!
I know

I am able to look back now to the last 5 yrs, when I was going up and down in my dose a lot and I see that basically threw me into withdrawal but I didn't even know it.

I did so many stupid things during that time, trying to get a handle on why I was feeling so bad.

 

Finding SA was the best thing that happened to me- I FINALLY found out what was wrong.

it's been pretty unpleasant going thru WD/recovery but it's been worth it, because I"m finally free and mostly healed.


I know for me, sometimes making a change in my environment or my daily activities helped to make the symptoms seem less "always there/always grinding at me"- if you know what I mean?
I guess the novelty was a good distraction. I don't know.

 

maybe you can try to plan something fun?

 

I hate hearing that ppl are still not doing well, I just want to reach out and hug everyone and make it all better

 

make all the bad stuff just go the eff away, you know?

 

but it will, it will!

 

 

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Rosetta

I'm so happy your wave is over.  To eat whatever and have it NOT affect you!! Fantastic!

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Happy2Heal

saw this on a post on FB and liked it

 

“No matter how hard you try to be what you once were, you can only be what you are here and now.”
― Ray Bradbury, Dandelion Wine

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Happy2Heal
On 9/25/2018 at 8:55 AM, Happy2Heal said:

saw this on a post on FB and liked it

 

“No matter how hard you try to be what you once were, you can only be what you are here and now.”
― Ray Bradbury, Dandelion Wine

 

 

the reason I put this quote here is because I see a lot of pp on this forum asking, am I going to get back to who I used to be?

 

myself included. I don't know if I ever worded it exactly that way, but I did wonder, would I ever feel at home in my body and in my "head" again? 

the symptoms of WD/recovery seem to take over your entire life and your entire being.

 

well I can say now that yes, I do now feel mostly at home in my own body and in my own head. Not 100% of the time, not yet....

but I am sure that will come.

 

I am not, however, who I used to be, and I will never be who I used to be, and this is a good thing!!

I was started on psych drugs when I was just 18 years old. Over 4 decades have passed since then. Thank goodness- It's a damn good thing I"m not the person I was when I was 18!!

 

I am a lot older and at least a little bit wiser, hahaha

 

One thing that happened to me while I was "medicated" was that I never really kept up with the passing of time. I was not connected to reality, I was not changing much nor growing, I was stuck in a place where I had no real feelings, and no real impetus to change. 
I rarely left my house and didn't know or notice any of the huge changes in my community. I had no real friends, no social life except for FB (and not with anyone I'd actually ever met) I did some meager things with animals and sewing but that's about it. 

 

as hard as WD/recovery has been, it's pushed me WAY outside my comfort zone and forced me to grow. it's been painful but it's been worth it. I now have friends, I go out all the time, I starting to get more involved in volunteering in ways outside of my house, instead of the things I do for the rat rescue that tend not to involve much contact with others. I go the YMCA and work out in the pool and do yoga and stuff.

In roughly 2 weeks I"ll be hosting my first card party at my house! I am so excited!  The last time I hosted a party it was for Halloween for my daughter when she was in elementary school!

 

I still have more growing to do, I still have a lot of free time to fill and I'm not entirely sure what to do with it all. I now have a hard time being home and alone, when before that never bothered me, It was what I was used to. It boggles my mind when I think what my life used to be: I literally left my house MAYBE at most 4 times a month. Sometimes only twice. to get groceries and go to the Drs. Thats IT.

 

now If I have a day when I can't go out or have no where to go, I feel like I'm going to get cabin fever.

When I get up in the morning, all i want to do is get dressed and go somewhere.  So very different now!

 

I do still sometimes miss that feeling of nothing being wrong, that comfortable fuzzy fog that I was wrapped in that nothing could penetrate. 

but it wasn't living, It wasn't real, and I knew it then.

I tried to break out of it not realizing it was the drugs that had put me in that place. NOw that I am off them, I can see clearly how much damage they were doing to me!

 

 

I am coming up on one year totally off all drugs

 

I want to write my success story but I'm not sure if I'm ready.

I have to be honest and say that I am still having some tiny waves............ and there's no way to know how long those will last.

I sometimes have ringing in my ears, I sometimes have some early morning dread, I have the occasional cortisol spike in the middle of the night (usually after a day of indulging in junk food) I will sometimes have trouble with executive function, sometimes an episode of memory issues, just little things. always short lived but annoying. 

 

but the positives far out weigh these tiny little blips

I am basking in mostly wide open window, happy to greet each new day and wondering where life is going to take me next

 

what a journey!

 

 

 

 

 

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Gridley

Great report, H2H!

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myndfull

H2H -- I'm seven months behind you, just coming up on five months since my jump. Thank you for being one of my trailblazers.

 

Thanks to you and others I can see the road ahead.

 

Myndfull

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Blondiee1915

Hi H2H, 

 

So good to hear from you.  I feel like I have not read your updates and have been MIA lately.  I am so pleased to read your latest update.  Alot of it resonates with me in particular being in this cocoon and fog and not doing much and not getting out much, not growing and just watching life pass by without realization of being stuck yourself. 

 

I think it is AMAZING what you have accomplished and how you handled yourself in this journey.  I still remember 2 years ago how I first joined you were one of the first people to welcome me in and provide me with support.  I am so happy you are out and about, I am hoping one day I will be there as well.  And hosting a party, that sounds fun, and volunteering, and yoga - you turned into a social butterfly :))))) 

 

I think you are already a success story!

 

B.  

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jozeff

Wow h2h what a story!

 

Thanks so much for sharing this with us. It's a great update and you can be very proud of yourself. 40 years on meds and now you are...well...just you!

 

I've lost about 15 years taking heavy meds or drinking way too much or both. I recognize your feeling of passing time in the world/community/work/family but never really connected to it all.

 

I switched jobs 7 times, had 3 relationships, got married, my father died, my son was born.... All these events happened and I cried maybe a dozen of times and just went on without making a change. When feeling bad about something for a couple of days I went to the doctor and switched meds or started one. Couple of days and feeling numb again and time just passed again. Have a great family. No friends unfortunately. Not one. I just didn't need them when I took these meds feeling numb and tired.

 

Well, because this is your topic I'll end my story here😉

 

Just wanted to thank you for making me realize I'm not the only one with these feelings and for sharing such a success story.

 

Wanting to be who we once were (is that even correct English?) cost me quite a few years. I like that quote of yours! I'm going to use it for my daily life if you're ok with that!

 

 

Happy healing and hope to read your ongoing success story

Jozeff

 

 

 

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Happy2Heal
12 hours ago, myndfull said:

H2H -- I'm seven months behind you, just coming up on five months since my jump. Thank you for being one of my trailblazers.

 

Thanks to you and others I can see the road ahead.

 

Myndfull

congratulations Myndfull

 

are you still having waves?

 

overall my progress stayed mostly linear, usually coming out of a wave at a higher level of healing than before it, until I hit that 10 month wave.

I think because there's really so little healing left to do.

 

Now it's a matter of lessening those mild waves to none as time goes on, at least, that's my hope!!

 

they are so mild and so infrequent, thankfully.  The main issue I have with them is they trigger a PTSD type reaction, where I'm afraid I'm going to be thrown back in acute WD. I can talk myself down pretty fast though. 

 

 

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Happy2Heal
11 hours ago, Blondiee1915 said:

Hi H2H, 

 

So good to hear from you.  I feel like I have not read your updates and have been MIA lately.  I am so pleased to read your latest update.  Alot of it resonates with me in particular being in this cocoon and fog and not doing much and not getting out much, not growing and just watching life pass by without realization of being stuck yourself. 

 

I think it is AMAZING what you have accomplished and how you handled yourself in this journey.  I still remember 2 years ago how I first joined you were one of the first people to welcome me in and provide me with support.  I am so happy you are out and about, I am hoping one day I will be there as well.  And hosting a party, that sounds fun, and volunteering, and yoga - you turned into a social butterfly :))))) 

 

I think you are already a success story!

 

B.  

 

 

so good to hear from you Blondie!! 

yes that fog and cocoon... I was lucky in one way, when the fog got really bad, I finally realized it had to be the drugs. I was always an emotional person, and while I am now older and wiser and calmer than I was as a young adult when I first started on these drugs, 

I still think I have more intense emotions that some others may- and I like that part of myself. I like to be able to feel things deeply.  (most of the time, lol) 

I did not realize how stuck I was.... and it was a huge shock to find out how much I'd missed during that long period of being in a drugged fog. 

 

I see you've finally been diagnosed with hypothyroidism. That's got to be a huge relief!! I  hope the medication will help alleviate that awful fatigue you've been battling for so so long!

Funny story- the lexapro had either pooped out or I was in WD from going up and down in the dose so many times, not sure which- or maybe both. But regardless of why, I was sleeping a LOT and kept going to the dr to complain about it, and she kept testing my thyroid. It was always fine, not even borderline issues.  My mom had a thyroid problem so the dr assumed it was genetic.

 

oh I am blushing, thank you so much for your kind words! I've done nothing amazing, at least I dont think I have. I see people on here such as yourself who have managed to keep working, or people who have gone thru massive life stressors whilst also withdrawing. they have so much courage in the face of horrendous symptoms.

The worst of mine were over pretty fast, I think.

 

heh, that's funny, my internet friends, the ones who have never met me, call me a social butterfly too. Now that part is amazing, because it's so different from the way I used to be.

 

but if I go back to when I was younger, I was always more comfortable in a group and I always enjoyed having someone to do things with or to chat with. And when my daughter was little and I had a couple of short breaks off meds, I sought out volunteer jobs and social contacts then too.  These drugs really altered my life, and rarely in a good way. I think if I'd been on lower doses of some of them for extremely brief periods during intense emotional distress, them MAYBE they would have been useful, I don't know (and will never know)
I tend to see them all as essentially evil now, but I am trying to be more open minded about the potential for possibly some minor benefit. I think I have to moderate my view just for my own sanity, because so many people I know are on these drugs. I have to calm my fears about what may happen to them by trying to convince myself that they might possibly be getting some benefit from them.... otherwise I get frantic, wanting to warn them and help them get off. 

 

Looking forward to your success story Blondie, I know it's coming!! :)

it will be a great day when you can do what you want and not feel so darn drained and tired, eh?

 

 

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Happy2Heal
5 hours ago, jozeff said:

 

 

I've lost about 15 years taking heavy meds or drinking way too much or both. I recognize your feeling of passing time in the world/community/work/family but never really connected to it all.

 

I switched jobs 7 times, had 3 relationships, got married, my father died, my son was born.... All these events happened and I cried maybe a dozen of times and just went on without making a change. When feeling bad about something for a couple of days I went to the doctor and switched meds or started one. Couple of days and feeling numb again and time just passed again. Have a great family. No friends unfortunately. Not one. I just didn't need them when I took these meds feeling numb and tired.

 

Well, because this is your topic I'll end my story here😉

 

 

 

no please do share as much as your story here as you wish!
It helps me to hear that I'm not alone, that others have had similar experiences with these drugs

 

even now, when my journey is coming to an end, it is all just so incredible, to look back at the damage and what has happened....

and it still helps immensely to know I'm not the only one

 

it's also disheartening and sad and tragic that so many of us have suffered so badly.

 

but we can and do recover, and that's so important to know

 

when I first came here and saw the " joined the forum" dates of some of the members and read the stories of where they were in their recovery, I was so discouraged and so scared.

 

now I see that there's a wide variation in how things go and that some people have other issues besides the drugs

 

some ppl were on these drugs for a very short time and still had severe problems, some are like me and had mulitple drugs over decades......

and while there's much that we have in common, It helped to finally realize that my story was not going to be exactly like anyone else's

 

I have a hard time reading some of the stories on here, even now. It was easier for me to reach out to others when I was in the thick of it, now I feel like I don't have that much to offer...

or I think I almost have "survivor guilt"  if that's possible or a real thing....?

like, I've done so well, why are some others still struggling?

but then I have to think , there really are some ppl who have extremely mild WD symptoms or none at all.

I used to be one of them!
 

so, everyone is going to have a somewhat different experience and my doing well - or not- is not going to have any effect on anyone else's journey

 

I just feel bad, is all. I want everyone to do as well.

but I know we're all going to get there.

 

:)

 

you are well on your way!!

 

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Happy2Heal
12 hours ago, Gridley said:

Great report, H2H!

thanks so much Gridley

 

how goes things with you?

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manymoretodays

Hi Happy2Heal,

Also, happy to read your update.

And woah Nellie, I can't believe you were on 40 mg of Lexapro!!!  Yikes.

Ayup......I'll be 2 years off my last one in December 2018........I should start composing my story as well.

And consider it a Christmas gift, of sorts......to the forum and myself.  B)

Extremely grateful for it all........truly........the journey, the continued enlightenment, and learning.

I really like my life right now too.

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

manymoretodays

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Gridley
1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

thanks so much Gridley

 

how goes things with you?

 

I'm doing pretty well, down to 5mg Lexapro from 20.  Some WD symptoms but tolerable.  Thanks for asking, H2H.

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myndfull
1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

congratulations Myndfull

 

are you still having waves?

 

overall my progress stayed mostly linear, usually coming out of a wave at a higher level of healing than before it, until I hit that 10 month wave.

I think because there's really so little healing left to do.

 

Now it's a matter of lessening those mild waves to none as time goes on, at least, that's my hope!!

 

they are so mild and so infrequent, thankfully.  The main issue I have with them is they trigger a PTSD type reaction, where I'm afraid I'm going to be thrown back in acute WD. I can talk myself down pretty fast though. 

 

 

Yes, I'm still having waves. Their duration is getting shorter and much less intense. They come predictably, fade, then come back morphed into something slightly different. I'm getting insomnia again fairly predictably with heart palps, pins and needles feelings, ringing in the right ear, temperature disregularity, etc., etc. Brain fog is still there, especially in the latter part of the day, but its not as bad. I can read and get other things done now, where I couldn't before.

 

One thing that's changed is the depth of my negative thinking. I can almost see now how my negativity comes on me, creating a wholly different person. I recognize that person as ill and I talk him down, so to speak, away from trains of thought that lead to catastrophizing. 

 

I can see progress and so for me now, when I'm slightly depressed or "buzzed" with anxiety, I can add another complaint: frustration. My being tired of all this is a new kind of "tired." I know I'm getting better, I'm near the finish line, but I'm dog tired. I've ben running a long, long race and though the end is in sight I still have a ways to go. So I keep on truckin' but my shoes are made of lead. Actually, that metaphor doesn't really work. The closer I get to fine, the more energy I have. The frustration of not being 100% makes me want to kick something.

 

On a positive note: there was a moment a few days ago when I was looking down the hall of my house from my perch on the couch and feeling almost 100% me. I couldn't begin to describe it except to say that I was aware of it. I get closer and closer to that person (the finish line) every day.

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jozeff

H2H don't feel guilty about your AD survival. You deserve every feeling of victory. It is like we remove our skin like a snake and very slowly try to be ourselves again. You did great and help a lot of people with your story.

 

Cheers

 

Jozeff

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Happy2Heal
On 9/29/2018 at 9:23 AM, Gridley said:

I'm doing pretty well, down to 5mg Lexapro from 20.  Some WD symptoms but tolerable.  Thanks for asking, H2H.

 

 

glad to hear you're doing ok. that's fantastic you've gotten down so far. 

I hope it all goes smoothly for you as you get down to the lower doses.

 

 

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Happy2Heal
On 9/29/2018 at 8:17 AM, manymoretodays said:

Hi Happy2Heal,

Also, happy to read your update.

And woah Nellie, I can't believe you were on 40 mg of Lexapro!!!  Yikes.

Ayup......I'll be 2 years off my last one in December 2018........I should start composing my story as well.

And consider it a Christmas gift, of sorts......to the forum and myself.  B)

Extremely grateful for it all........truly........the journey, the continued enlightenment, and learning.

I really like my life right now too.

 

 

so you've been at zero for almost 2yrs?  did you not feel well enough last Dec to write a success story?
 

yep 40 mgs of lexapro- I was bouncing off the walls on that dose. Ended up "manic" but of course no one blamed the drug, they just gave me a new diagnosis *groan* 
 

 

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Happy2Heal
23 hours ago, myndfull said:

On a positive note: there was a moment a few days ago when I was looking down the hall of my house from my perch on the couch and feeling almost 100% me. I couldn't begin to describe it except to say that I was aware of it. I get closer and closer to that person (the finish line) every day.

 

 

that's great!! I've had moments like those, coming out of a wave and feeling like I was deposited back into myself. 


I've read thru a lot of the "post zero" threads and it's good to see that for most ppl,  things just keep getting better.

I have days when I think, wow, it can't really get any better than this, can it? 

but then I'll have a mild wave and be like, oh yeh, ok, don't get too excited, now- it's not totally over yet, hahaha

 

23 hours ago, myndfull said:

Yes, I'm still having waves. Their duration is getting shorter and much less intense. They come predictably, fade, then come back morphed into something slightly different. I'm getting insomnia again fairly predictably with heart palps, pins and needles feelings, ringing in the right ear, temperature disregularity, etc., etc. Brain fog is still there, especially in the latter part of the day, but its not as bad. I can read and get other things done now, where I couldn't before.

 

One thing that's changed is the depth of my negative thinking. I can almost see now how my negativity comes on me, creating a wholly different person. I recognize that person as ill and I talk him down, so to speak, away from trains of thought that lead to catastrophizing. 

 

 

this is very similar to how it's been for me but you've written it out so much more clearly!
 

I think it was at about 8 mos that the end of the day brain fog faded off to almost none most days. 

I have the heart palps if I eat too much too close to bedtime. 

 

I've gotten pretty good at talking back to the negativity. However I have zero patience for ppl who spend all their time b*tching and moaning and catastrophizing, I have to walk away or I'll say something rude, I'm afraid

Actually I've blurted out some rude comments a couple of times.

I said to one person, we could talk about something a bit happier, unless you're just determined to be miserable, in which case, I need to get off the phone now.....

 

and when another person kept bringing a conversation around to tragic news, I blurted out, Well aren't you just little Merry Sunshine, eh? 

that would have been ok if I'd say it in a lighthearted way, but I was actually very frustrated, almost angry, and it came thru  in my tone of voice

 

ooops.

 

well, honestly, so many people are so freaking negative, it's hard to have a good time or enjoy things, you know?
 

but now Iv'e gone way off topic, sorry!

 

this is one heck of a journey, eh?

 

 

 

 

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Happy2Heal
22 hours ago, jozeff said:

H2H don't feel guilty about your AD survival. You deserve every feeling of victory. It is like we remove our skin like a snake and very slowly try to be ourselves again. You did great and help a lot of people with your story.

 

Cheers

 

Jozeff

 

 

thanks Jozeff

 

I just want everyone to make it to the "finish line" with as little pain as possible.


While I am  happy to be where I am, on the other hand, I'm so sad when I read the struggles many of my friends here are going thru.

but I have hope that they'll soon be well.

 

you've come so far, yourself. You are healing very nicely, although I'm sure it doesn't feel like it most days, you've made great progress!!

 

 

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manymoretodays

Hi H2H,

I answered your ? and then sent it to my introduction/journal.  Oh, there's no rule on writing a success story at one year off or 2 years off.

I think you might go for writing yours, Happy........if you feel like most of any lingering symptoms, are manageable and all.  Why not?  Go for it!!!!

 

I liked your quote too.  I've got some bright orange pumpkins on the front porch now.  Happy orange color.

Happy you are healing and feeling like writing of your success too!!!

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

 

 

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Miko789

Hi H2H,

 

read your story about getting off. so happy about you.

was your doctor knowledgable of the tapering?

I recently realised how fear and anxiety  can drain my energy because of my recent experience.

how are you now?

 

cortizol spikes  or memory issues?

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Happy2Heal
13 hours ago, Miko789 said:

Hi H2H,

 

read your story about getting off. so happy about you.

was your doctor knowledgable of the tapering?

I recently realised how fear and anxiety  can drain my energy because of my recent experience.

how are you now?

 

cortizol spikes  or memory issues?

 

 

hi Miko789

how are you doing?

 

thanks for stopping by.  

 

I am doing very well, thanks.

it's been just over a year since getting totally off all drugs and I can say that things have just gotten better and better the more time goes by

 

that's not to say my life is perfect, of course, I still have stuff to deal with, but the whole long process of tapering is done and behind me.

 

To answer your question, no I did not have a doctor who knew about tapering and I've yet to meet one!
I tapered on my own, after finding this forum

 

in the past, I quit all medications cold turkey but was almost always put immediately on a different drug or several other drugs

 

 

 

 

Sometimes I'm surprised at how far I've come, other times, I wonder what took me so long to realize that this was possible-

that I didn't need to keep putting those poisons into my body at all.

 

well, that's all in the past. I'm moving forward and pretty satisfied with how things are now.

 

 

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ChessieCat

Link:

 

 

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Happy2Heal
6 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

Link:

 

 

 

thanks ChessieCat

 

I'm a bit annoyed at myself for adding "not quite a success story" to the title of that thread, and if it can be edited out, I'd appreciate it, as I think now that it may confuse people

 

It is indeed my success story, because I'm at least 99% recovered, I believe

 

You're welcome to close this thread, if you want to.

I won't be posting here any more

 

thank you and all the moderators, and esp of course Alto, for all that you've done for me to help me get to this point

 

I can't imagine where I'd be if I'd never found this forum!

 

I owe you all much more than I can say

 

thanks also to the many members who supported me along the way. Never could have done this without you either!

 


❤️

 

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gigi63

Happy2Heal, congratulations at a huge victory!!!!!  So happy for you!!!!  Can you tell me how long the entire process has been with getting off and now the one year out? What an amazing victory!!!!!  Beautiful!!!!

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GirlfromD
On 9/29/2018 at 12:38 AM, Happy2Heal said:

 

 

the reason I put this quote here is because I see a lot of pp on this forum asking, am I going to get back to who I used to be?

 

myself included. I don't know if I ever worded it exactly that way, but I did wonder, would I ever feel at home in my body and in my "head" again? 

the symptoms of WD/recovery seem to take over your entire life and your entire being.

 

well I can say now that yes, I do now feel mostly at home in my own body and in my own head. Not 100% of the time, not yet....

but I am sure that will come.

 

I am not, however, who I used to be, and I will never be who I used to be, and this is a good thing!!

I was started on psych drugs when I was just 18 years old. Over 4 decades have passed since then. Thank goodness- It's a damn good thing I"m not the person I was when I was 18!!

 

I am a lot older and at least a little bit wiser, hahaha

 

One thing that happened to me while I was "medicated" was that I never really kept up with the passing of time. I was not connected to reality, I was not changing much nor growing, I was stuck in a place where I had no real feelings, and no real impetus to change. 
I rarely left my house and didn't know or notice any of the huge changes in my community. I had no real friends, no social life except for FB (and not with anyone I'd actually ever met) I did some meager things with animals and sewing but that's about it. 

 

as hard as WD/recovery has been, it's pushed me WAY outside my comfort zone and forced me to grow. it's been painful but it's been worth it. I now have friends, I go out all the time, I starting to get more involved in volunteering in ways outside of my house, instead of the things I do for the rat rescue that tend not to involve much contact with others. I go the YMCA and work out in the pool and do yoga and stuff.

In roughly 2 weeks I"ll be hosting my first card party at my house! I am so excited!  The last time I hosted a party it was for Halloween for my daughter when she was in elementary school!

 

I still have more growing to do, I still have a lot of free time to fill and I'm not entirely sure what to do with it all. I now have a hard time being home and alone, when before that never bothered me, It was what I was used to. It boggles my mind when I think what my life used to be: I literally left my house MAYBE at most 4 times a month. Sometimes only twice. to get groceries and go to the Drs. Thats IT.

 

now If I have a day when I can't go out or have no where to go, I feel like I'm going to get cabin fever.

When I get up in the morning, all i want to do is get dressed and go somewhere.  So very different now!

 

I do still sometimes miss that feeling of nothing being wrong, that comfortable fuzzy fog that I was wrapped in that nothing could penetrate. 

but it wasn't living, It wasn't real, and I knew it then.

I tried to break out of it not realizing it was the drugs that had put me in that place. NOw that I am off them, I can see clearly how much damage they were doing to me!

 

 

I am coming up on one year totally off all drugs

 

I want to write my success story but I'm not sure if I'm ready.

I have to be honest and say that I am still having some tiny waves............ and there's no way to know how long those will last.

I sometimes have ringing in my ears, I sometimes have some early morning dread, I have the occasional cortisol spike in the middle of the night (usually after a day of indulging in junk food) I will sometimes have trouble with executive function, sometimes an episode of memory issues, just little things. always short lived but annoying. 

 

but the positives far out weigh these tiny little blips

I am basking in mostly wide open window, happy to greet each new day and wondering where life is going to take me next

 

what a journey!

 

 

 

 

 

That was so beautifully written! Brought a little tear to my eye. And really nice explanation to the question "am I going to get back to who I used to be", really good quote in relation to that. I already think you're a success too Happy2heal, and big congratulations  writing your success story! You always have the kindest words for others struggling, and you deserve all the best 😊 

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Happy2Heal
31 minutes ago, gigi63 said:

Happy2Heal, congratulations at a huge victory!!!!!  So happy for you!!!!  Can you tell me how long the entire process has been with getting off and now the one year out? What an amazing victory!!!!!  Beautiful!!!!

 

Hi Gigi

do you mean for the last drug, the lexapro?

 

the history of my lexapro use is in my signature, at least a summary of what I can remember:

  • started lexapro 2002 from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it many times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 tapered down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again, too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct 2017 Doing very well

 

I don't have the best memory for a lot of those years between 2002 and when I took my last tiny tiny dose in Oct 2017

 

but what I do remember is that I tried to get off the lexapro at least 2 times but possibly as many as 4 , other times - unsuccessfully.

 

One time I was off the lexapro for 8 mos but felt so horrible, I went back on it.  I was taking seroquel and klonopin too, at that time, and only stopped the lexapro. The anxiety was just so horrendous. The anxiety was almost immediately relieved when I went back on lexapro.  I figured that meant that I "needed" the fool stuff 😕

 

as it says in my signature, in 20013 I tried to taper off but I went too fast and needed to go back up to my previous dose.

 

in 2015, I decided to give it another shot, because I had no life- I was sleeping up to 20 hrs a day, had no motivation to do anything, no emotions, was just going thru the motions of living but not really living, you know?

 

so I did another taper but went a bit slower.  I was still too fast, but a lot slower than ANY doctor ever advised!

 

by the time I got down to 2.5mgs I was in a really bad place (see the first few posts in my thread) and doing a search of a different medication my dr had Rxed for me because I was literally unable to sleep for days and days,

I found this forum!!!!!
 

best thing that ever happened to me.

I decided to hold at 2.5mgs and thought I'd stabilized so, believing  2.5 mgs to be a TINY dose, I jumped off.

 

I was ok for roughly 3 mos when ACUTE withdrawal hit me, with over 40 SEVERE symptoms

 

I reinstated a truly tiny dose and spent the next year tapering off that

 

so that by OCt 2017, I was down to ZERO

 

in the year since then, I've continued to do better and better!

I'm lucky in that my recovery has been almost all in the positive direction. I just kept getting better and better each day.

it was very hard at first, but I learned ways to deal with the symptoms and I continued to live my life thru out all of it.

 

I'm so glad its done and over with.

 

there were times I was discouraged and didn't know if I'd make it thru.

 

but I did!!! yay me! lol

 

yes I am very happy, thanks for being happy for me!! :)

 

 

 

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Hibari

It is so good to read your success story today. Congratulations on all that you have achieved. I'm so glad you as rw enjoying your life.  

 

May I ask about whether you went through periods of crying?  I cry a lot these days and also am now experiencing what I hope is rebound depression and not real depression.   

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SquirrellyGirl

I always wonder when people mention crying spells.  Are we talking crying out of the blue, no real reason, or being more emotionally labile?  Lately I've been the latter.  I saw an ad on TV for Bohemian Rhapsody (movie) this morning and began thinking about Freddy Mercury and how sad that he died young and then I was weeping!  I wept about all kinds of things this morning, that and my cat that disappeared over a year ago, and some moving video on twitter...But it feels good to FEEL!

 

SG

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Hibari
30 minutes ago, SquirrellyGirl said:

I always wonder when people mention crying spells.  Are we talking crying out of the blue, no real reason, or being more emotionally labile?  Lately I've been the latter.  I saw an ad on TV for Bohemian Rhapsody (movie) this morning and began thinking about Freddy Mercury and how sad that he died young and then I was weeping!  I wept about all kinds of things this morning, that and my cat that disappeared over a year ago, and some moving video on twitter...But it feels good to FEEL!

 

SG

Mine happen in a couple of ways.

 

One happens usually an hour after I take one of my divided doses of medication, I feel like crying and then usually do. Not connected to any image or memory. 

 

Second happens when I don't feel well from withdrawal, either physically or mentally. Then I cry about this process, which can really wind me up.  

 

Third, a memory about my dog or mom will make me cry.  I also am crying at sentimental things I see on TV. 

 

I did some research and crying definitely seems to be connected with wd.

 

I was asking H2H out it because I'm hoping I will dry up eventually.  

 

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Happy2Heal
16 hours ago, Hibari said:

It is so good to read your success story today. Congratulations on all that you have achieved. I'm so glad you as rw enjoying your life.  

 

May I ask about whether you went through periods of crying?  I cry a lot these days and also am now experiencing what I hope is rebound depression and not real depression.   

 

 

I did actually got thru some pretty intense periods of crying but those happened more in the past, when I attempted to reduce my dose. I've had some crying jags during acute wd but most of those were actually a relief. they seemed to be more like delayed grief or processing losses from the past.

I was glad that I could cry- I went for so many years not being able to feel sad or cry at all!

 

I did have some low points with depression without any crying. Those periods were difficult but not very long,  thankfully.

 

I still have very short periods of feeling a bit depressed or hopeless, but those literally only last a few hours at most. I just acknowledge them and accept them and they pass!

 

I'm sorry you're going thru some depression now, I bet you anything it will pass soon and you'll be feeling a lot better

 

hugs,

 

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