Wrenster: Struggling and feeling like giving up

[wrenster]

Sadly ive noticed that my partner seems to really trigger my wd being worse. He becomes the focus of my irritation and unhappiness. Not good. I sometimes cant differentiate if he is being unfair to me or its wd.

[nz11]

One thing i came to realise in withdrawal is that i cannot trust my own brain and thinking and feelings. This was a most scary thing.

 

Time and time again i walked away from reacting (sometimes i didnt), i have realised in hindsight that i have saved some serious collateral damage from occurring ....some collateral damage doesnt appear fixable at this moment in time so the game plan is to minimise it.

 

I have come to learn as hard as it may be  to give others the benefit of the doubt ...at least for a couple of years anyway.... then they better watch out!!

 

Ann Blake Tracey calls these drugs the divorce pill.

 

If its too hard to be slow to anger then go for a walk imo

[wrenster]

Very useful advice NZ. I definetly agree and am trying to ignore the constant stream of negative talk about him in my head. Very glad to have read your post. Happy new year. X

[SquirrellyGirl]

Eckhart Tolle calls it the "pain body."  When in doubt, don't act on the reaction LOL!  Write it down, sit on it, and then take it out and look at it the next day.  Does your response inside still seem reasonable?

 

Now, I know that WD neuro emotions make it hard to be rational, but maybe this bit will help:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PCSe2cqY_w

 

SG

[wrenster]

Great video. All makes sense . Just need to try and do it xx

[nz11]

Interesting vid SG

Maybe that can be applied to emails too lol When in doubt put it in the draft folder let it sit overnight. .

 

In acute withdrawal i found i was very easily offended. I have since learned these are the withdrawal neuro emotions at play.

 

Here  is an interesting statement i recently came across:

"She / he who is offended has committed an offence"

[wrenster]

Nz you and me both. I seem to take everythimg as a criticism

Very tiring thinking everyones getting at you and much mis spent energy analysing people and their words. Too much thknking and reacting to these emotions. I m trying to take on board eckhart tolles teachings to give me much needed relief and space fr these emotions. Back to work on monday probably. Think i need to try and get on with things as i cant afford to lose this job .

[SquirrellyGirl]

Interesting vid SG

Maybe that can be applied to emails too lol When in doubt put it in the draft folder let it sit overnight. .

 

In acute withdrawal i found i was very easily offended. I have since learned these are the withdrawal neuro emotions at play.

 

Here  is an interesting statement i recently came across:

"She / he who is offended has committed an offence"

LOL on the email!  Boy, ain't that the truth - when in a huff don't hit the send button!  Let it sit!  Been there done that!  I have gotten in some real rages in the past several years, and now wonder if I hadn't done a dosage jump down prior to that;  I don't even want to call it a taper since they were likely 50% cuts!  I didn't have awareness then, so hopefully should this arise again, I will have perspective and take those deep breathes everyone is always talking about!  You know the old saying "count to ten," well who could ever really take that advice?  

 

Since I've learned about meditation and those teachings, I have found myself stopping to take those deep breaths much more often ;-)

 

SG

[Rose9975]

Hi just read a few of the posts and want to say that that while I'm on Lexapro for last 12/13 years (I cannot really remember) I am very always teary eyed emotionally reactive & jump to a 10 straight away.I wonder if this is the medication or the way I have learnt to regulate emotions.I have done a lot of work on myself but have really internalised an angry inner critic of self-& others. I need to take my personal responsibility back & stop blaming my mom for this. Medication has helped me enormously to overcome Bulimia Nervous in my twenties but now tomorrow I plan to reduce my dose of 20mg Lexapro to 19mg for 4/6 weeks & see how I go. It's scary for like you I know the pain of WD.I am in low form tonight & not good company.When I am depressed I become angry & easily irritated.I have removed myself to my room for Time-Out, to self-regulate, calm down & ground myself & with that more patience.

 

Sorry just a reflection on your posts????

[wrenster]

Hi rose. Sorry your not feeling the best tonight. Perhaps your withdrawal will not be bad if your tapering it off very gradually which it sounds like u are. The reason mine has been difficult is because i stopped it over a few months after 18 years on it. I did n have the knowledge at that time but u seem to so more power to you. It sounds like u have a good awareness of your self. I have found counselling helpful in getting me through this as well as the amazing support from this forum. And i agree with SG about eckhart tolle. Sometimwes i think i dwell so much on trying to change and improve myself it only causes more suffering when i cant manage it when i m in the midst of neuroemotions therefore trying to accept rather than fight it seems to be the way forward for me. Wishing you the best.

[bubble]

Hello wrenster.

 

I've just read through your thread (partly because I couldn't see from your signature whether you reinstated, how much, when and whether you are still taking the same dose).

 

That's why updating your signature especially with such important information at this stage is key if you want to get helpful feedback.

 

After reading through the whole of your thread I understood that you reinstated 5 mg and are still taking it. My impression is that reinstatement has worked. After over 4 months off and 18 years on even the slightest of relieves is huge. When I reinstated I was aware that I treated my brain very badly so I was at first just very happy that things stopped getting worse. Then I was clinging to initially very, very brief moments of when symptoms would get more quiet. I tried to disregard the general awful and dysfunctional state I was in for months and I kept my eyes firmly on those brief moments which gradually got longer.

 

I can relate to your job situation. Just before Xmas I had a very rough time and was experiencing panic attacks. I also asked myself whether I would be able to work any longer (so far I have been). I took a week off sick and now my feelings about working have changed from 'no way I can do it anymore" and 'the very thought of going to work is horrifying me" to " I can probably manage by going slowly'.  Sometimes even a week can bring about a big change in how we feel and accordingly see things (and people) around us. Nz wrote some great things about our feelings in withdrawal (I often sing to myself: I don't trust my inner feelings (inner feelings come and go). In any case, it's good to practice being a natural observer of our thoughts and feelings, keeping a certain distance. It's very hard and it's a struggle but it helps. 

 

Did you notice that now you are thinking or better to say catastrophising about future much more than usually? It always amazes me how when I get destabilised I immediately start obsessing about the next moment, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, my whole life... I project the present feeling of inability to cope with life in its simplest forms into all my future activities. Future just seem to be spiraling away. I'm totally catapulted from the present moment and inhibit all the future I can think of with the present horror. Although I know about all this and have experienced it many times, last week I had great trouble not to believe everything I was thinking about my future was true.

 

Fear is the worst part of this. Fear is a key ingredient of this process. It doesn't mean you are weak if you are feeling it and if it feels so hard and unbearable. It really is like that. And yet, we endure. Just by focusing on surviving the present moment. And you are making a good job of it

[wrenster]

I m getting in a right panic at the thought of going back tmrw. Not sure what to do for the best. Anxiety is coming on big time.

[keepinghope]

Hi Wrenster, just wanted to say I feel for you, I'm in a similar position as I came off Prozac in August 15, and am due to start a new job tomorrow and am getting huge waves of anxiety thinking about it. My last job was pretty laid-back and only a very small team, this one is going to be full-on. 

But I'm keeping in mind that I only have to take one day at a time. Just work tomorrow, and I'm not thinking further than that. It's helping a tiny bit, but it's so hard. You can get through it though. If you don't feel you can go back yet, see your GP and get them to give you some breathing space for a week or so. If it wasn't a new job I was starting tomorrow I think I'd be doing exactly that. 

[wrenster]

Hi keepinghope. I cant do it. I cant go back tmrw. I m incredibly anxious and emotional. My job is very demamding as a psych nurse and i know the pressures only too well and cant face them yet. Wishing u luck tnrw and strength xx

[Flowers]

Hi Wrenster

 

Have read your thread and can completely sympathise having gone through the same this time last year. I reinstated and it took a while to get me back to a level of normality. I am now able to function on a fairly normal basis. I still have my ups and downs and am not the same person I was before WD but I have learnt to cope with the bad days and am now starting a very slow taper. The drug is giving me side effects which made me want to come off in the first place. Shame my GP at the time told me to do it too quickly!

 

I just wanted to say that you have to give yourself time. I am working too but am self employed so it wasn't such a big problem. Until you are more stable and are managing to get the WD anxiety under control I feel it is best not to push yourself  too much or it will be detrimental to your recovery. Your health should have some priority.

 

Would it be possible to return to work doing reduced hours ie part time? This may take some of the pressure off you. 

 

I am married and  it has had a big impact on my marriage as I was always the 'strong' one in our relationship who kept everything ticking over. The only advice I can give is to keep talkiing to your man. I found out from my husband that he was very scared by what was happening to me - as I was! Now we have a little talk if I need to tell him that I am not so good and if he needs to tell me I am being a pain. But to be honest he can tell by looking at my face how I am feeling!! We decided we had to confront this thing together or I was never going to get well.

 

I found that heavy exercise made me feel so much worse so I  do a good walk every day now which helps me a lot. I just have to get out of the house every day no matter how I feel.  Living in Spain there is a lot of socialising and drinking going on. I just tell folk that I am taking meds where I cannot have alcohol and that has been accepted well. I have learnt to have fun without indulging and now don't miss it at all. I don't think anybody thinks I am a partypooper - well I hope not!

 

I just wanted to wish you well and hope the reinstatement starts to work for you soon. Just remember this isn't forever.

 

Best wishes

 

Flowers xxx

[wrenster]

Hi flowers. Appreciate ur lovely post. I was just reflecting how i feel i was prior to stopping the sertraline and felt quite sad as i was pretty content and settled. Feel like my worlds been turned upside down. I always said after my last bout of depression in 2004, i will never let myself get like that again. I ve spent so many years of my life blighted by mental illness i thought i d finally beaten it. This has really rocked me and i feel so sad at what i ve currently become. Not a good day .

[brassmonkey]

" i feel so sad at what i ve currently become."  That's the key word. This is all temporary and will pass.  Instead of anticipating the stress I would think about how glad people will be to see you back and how helpful they will be as you get back into the swing. Do the best you can on each job as it comes up and don't beat yourself up if you're not perfect, then move on to the next job.  All the while not thinking about the drugs or if you feel badly.  Take mini breaks when you can and the day will be over before you know it.

 

((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

[nz11]

 I ve spent so many years of my life blighted by mental illness i thought i d finally beaten it.

 

I am sorry you feel you have a M I.

[wrenster]

Nz. Mental illness is perhaps not the best term i could have used. You have to forgive my training and whats been drummed into me for many years. I ve taken the decision to at least take another week off. I feel i need more stability before i go back to a very challenging job. Your posts keep me going at the minute wish i could reach out and hug you all. Xx

[ChessieCat]

Hi Wrenster,

 

I just wanted to offer a suggestion.  You may (or may not consciously) be aware that you feel guilty about taking the next week off.  Please tell yourself that it is okay to take this time for your own personal healing.  Think of it like this, if you had continued to struggle at work you may have had to take a lot more time off in the long run, so you are doing what you need to do now to help prevent that from happening.  You need this time for you - you deserve it.  CC

[wrenster]

Oh chessiecat how you read my mind. I so needed to hear that. I think i m spending a lot of time thinking i should be stronger and manage. That i m being self pitying and weak. All that usual crap that the inner critic throws at me. Thanks for giving me permission to tell that voice to shut up

[ChessieCat]

You are very welcome.  When I was working full-time in an office of 2 people, I would go in even when I was very sick and dose myself up with cold meds throughout the day.  If I ever took a day off I would feel so guilty.  It's just not worth it.  Other people take time off to get better so why shouldn't we when we really need to?  Yes, keep telling that voice to shut up.  Listening to it will only cause more stress and slow your healing.  It's got nothing to do with who you are or whether you have earned it.  It is just a fact that you need it.  And you need it NOW!!!  Maybe listen to Claire Weekes and First Aid for Panic

 

Take care.  CC

[Flowers]

Glad that you have made the decision. Sometimes not knowing what to do just makes things worse doesn't it?- it's surprising what a week can do! Only you know how you really feel and will cope with things at work.

 

I know this is so awful where we have found ourselves and it is sad and scary but we have to look forward.  If you can, try to  accept what has happened and put all the energy you can muster in to getting well - it will help you so much. Also having patience and recognising that this may not be a quick fix will help too.  I think Ali mentioned this in a previous post on your thread.

 

You are not alone now and will get so much support here.

 

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

 

Flowers xxx

[wrenster]

Thanks chessie. I ll check that out. U ve certainly helped my anxiety tonight

[wrenster]

Flowers thank god for u guys. I will repay and give support back when i have it in me i promise. This site is a life saver. Xxxxx

[AliG]

Hi W ,

As NZ said, you dont have an M.I.  You just got caught in the system , as most of us did.  I just wanted to add to the consensus here , and say I think you are choosing well ,in your self- care management.  In the long term, I think you will find this a very far reaching move, that will have very positive consequences, down the track.

Best wishes,

Ali

[Songbird]

I always found it took about 3 weeks for me to feel significantly better after an updose, and longer after my big crash.  It's been about two weeks since your reinstatement - have you felt any improvement yet?

 

I know they advocate reinstatement of very small doses here, but 5mg is something like 1mg of Paxil, pretty tiny.  It's possible a higher dose might be needed to alleviate severe w/d.  The reason small reinstatements are recommended is because when people who've been off for several months rush back to a full dose, they sometimes experience quite bad adverse reactions, so if you do decide to increase dose I'd still keep it somewhere on the smallish side.  Just something to keep in mind.

 

It's so hard when you have that pressure to get back to work, especially in any kind of stressful job.  It's the reason I had to updose after my big crash (I crashed badly before even getting to zero).  I found regular relaxation exercises helped me a lot with reducing the anxiety, along with books and recordings by Dr. Claire Weekes.  Sending you(((hugs))).

[KarenB]

I've been thinking about that term 'mental illness' a lot over the years.  At first I decided to embrace it - blast through the stigma etc.  But I got uncomfortable with that, as time went on.  Now I think there's no such thing. 

 

My theory atm is that depression, anxiety, PTSD etc (which were my issues) are very logical and understandable responses to the pain of living in a world gone mad.  They are signals to us that we need rest, care, love, understanding.  And they are signals that we need to take time to get these things.  It may take 6 months, or it may take a year or longer.  These things are a part of our journey.

 

Wishing you blessings as you tend to all these parts of yourself on this journey,

Karen 

[wrenster]

I met with my counsellor today and had a similar discussion. I bawled my eyes out at things that had been suppressed for years through taking antidepressants that have recently resurfaced in my mind. I think if i d had proper psychological support at those times instead of being heavily nedicated, i would have made a fuller recovery. I m working through these painful feelings with her now. I went back to my gp today for a further sickline and he felt i was well informed and managing my recovery. I m lucky to have a good gp. Thanks for all ur blessings and support. I m getting to know the real me through all of this. At times its very painful but i believe what you say alig. There must be positive consequences further down the road.

[wrenster]

Hello wrenster.

 

I've just read through your thread (partly because I couldn't see from your signature whether you reinstated, how much, when and whether you are still taking the same dose).

 

That's why updating your signature especially with such important information at this stage is key if you want to get helpful feedback.

 

After reading through the whole of your thread I understood that you reinstated 5 mg and are still taking it. My impression is that reinstatement has worked. After over 4 months off and 18 years on even the slightest of relieves is huge. When I reinstated I was aware that I treated my brain very badly so I was at first just very happy that things stopped getting worse. Then I was clinging to initially very, very brief moments of when symptoms would get more quiet. I tried to disregard the general awful and dysfunctional state I was in for months and I kept my eyes firmly on those brief moments which gradually got longer.

 

I can relate to your job situation. Just before Xmas I had a very rough time and was experiencing panic attacks. I also asked myself whether I would be able to work any longer (so far I have been). I took a week off sick and now my feelings about working have changed from 'no way I can do it anymore" and 'the very thought of going to work is horrifying me" to " I can probably manage by going slowly'. Sometimes even a week can bring about a big change in how we feel and accordingly see things (and people) around us. Nz wrote some great things about our feelings in withdrawal (I often sing to myself: I don't trust my inner feelings (inner feelings come and go). In any case, it's good to practice being a natural observer of our thoughts and feelings, keeping a certain distance. It's very hard and it's a struggle but it helps.

 

Did you notice that now you are thinking or better to say catastrophising about future much more than usually? It always amazes me how when I get destabilised I immediately start obsessing about the next moment, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, my whole life... I project the present feeling of inability to cope with life in its simplest forms into all my future activities. Future just seem to be spiraling away. I'm totally catapulted from the present moment and inhibit all the future I can think of with the present horror. Although I know about all this and have experienced it many times, last week I had great trouble not to believe everything I was thinking about my future was true.

 

Fear is the worst part of this. Fear is a key ingredient of this process. It doesn't mean you are weak if you are feeling it and if it feels so hard and unbearable. It really is like that. And yet, we endure. Just by focusing on surviving the present moment. And you are making a good job of it

[wrenster]

Wonderful post bubbles .

[wrenster]

Songbird. I have felt a slight improvement i think and am not keen to reinstate more unless i really feel im struggling and cant cope. I ll keep your experience and advice in mind xx

[Songbird]

Songbird. I have felt a slight improvement i think

 

That's good news.  I agree with others that the meds seem to suppress the difficult parts of us, so that we don't have to deal with them.  It's like sweeping all our issues under the rug.  Then in withdrawal, all our stuff comes back amplified.

[nz11]

I met with my counsellor today and had a similar discussion. I bawled my eyes out at things that had been suppressed for years through taking antidepressants that have recently resurfaced in my mind. I think if i d had proper psychological support at those times instead of being heavily nedicated, i would have made a fuller recovery. I m working through these painful feelings with her now.

 

When i went drug free some of the entries over the following week and subsequent ones went like this,

cant stop crying

cant sit or stand still

vomitting dairrhea

feel like i want to die

cant sleep

feel like i want to talk to someone......

 

I didnt know it at the time but what i was describing was akathisia.

 

The terror was so bad it drove me to do something i wouldnt normally do i went to see a councellor ..i too before even given an invitation to talk just sobbed and sobbed....i felt so embarassed...i kept wanting to talk about stuff in the past like a broken engagement shortly after paxil exposure....(maybe thats tmi..still joining the dots on that)...

 

I found not so much the councelling helpful but the unconditional positive regard and the talking for talking sake in and of itself was a distraction.

I just kept going in circles so after a few session i stopped going.

 

This is what i believe....i believe a person in ssri wdl is a councellors nightmare, constantly going in circles due to the neuro-emotions that are out of control. All that is needed is an empathic unconditional positive regard and a calming reassuring voice that keeps saying ‘You are going to be okay,’ ‘You will make it’.

 

The brain is totally out of control and in a kind of 'psychotic ' state. It is just throwing up all kinds of past rubbish.The key here is knowing this a withdrawal manifestation and will pass. It comes in waves. It is the drug withdrawal. 

 

Alto as always articulates this just so well in the neuro emotions thread...

“For quite a while in withdrawal, neuro-emotion led me to memories where I embarrassed myself, made a fool or myself, or was rejected. I couldn't shake them, I was reliving them intensely over and over. The feeling of shame and worthlessness was awful. I had to make a determined effort, which wasn't always successful, to distract myself from these memories. I kept reminding myself to forgive myself for my mistakes. Then reliving these memories went away. I'm not having this problem anymore (I hope). I presume that some area of my brain was being stimulated by dysregulated neuro-hormones, and now it's recovered. A person has to be very strong to cope with this and not get overwhelmed.”

 

Right now your nervous system has become hyper-sensitive and extremely susceptible to every input from your surroundings, not only light and sound, but also thoughts are amplified and morph into reality.....imo you must also protect your sub-consciousness until you reach a level of emotional stability. Your brain and CNS is seriously impaired and cannot function properly.

 

Something Breggin said really jumped out at me and it was this,

 

"When conducting therapy with an individual whose brain is impaired by drug treatment or drug withdrawal avoid stirring up strong negative emotions or feelings of helplessness. Therapy that touches on painful subjects should be avoided until the individual's judgement and impulse control have improved." Breggin, Psychiatric Drug Withdrawal, 166.

 

I put this out there not to be critical of councelling (for it has its place) but to make you aware that the councellor may not be aware of what is going on for an ssri sufferer ....oh i'm sure he/she has seen it everyday in their job only they may not know how to deal with it. Or may persue psychological approaches thinking they are useful when they may not be. imo .

 

And im sure ssri sufferers are providing them with a lot of work. How do i know this cos when i told the councellor i was wdling from ssri and the symptoms (like lying in a fetal position on the floor wanting to die...etc) he learned forward and said nz11 i have many people coming to see me for this same reason and they have all described the wdl exactly as you have.

 

I totally agree with Breggin on the fact that trying to persue past events (at this point in time) as real as the emotions are may not be the way to go.

It may also cost a lot of money that may not need to be spent.

 

Again im with Breggin listen to this,

"Psychodynamic therapy is only appropriate when the withdrawal is relatively benign, so that the individual has the emotional stability and autonomy to handle emotional distress".

 

Reassurance (you will be ok you will make it ) hope and empathy i feel are key .

A loving supportive family member or friend can provide this also. 

 

There may be some who disagree with this i'm simply tabling it to give one view of it.

I'm all for using whatever non-drugs tools there are in order to cope with wdl.

 

nz11

Wow! This thread has amassed 1,296 views on just over 2 weeks !

I've got no chance...

"I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win."

[bubble]

Wrenster, I can relate to so much of what you are going through at the moment especially now when I'm in a bad wave and everything you write about your job situation is true for me as well. I also like very much what Chessie wrote about giving yourself a permission to stay away from work. I'm exactly the same and have to have  a self-talk every time when I need to step back. I first recognise my feelings of low self-esteem and self-worth which are usually present and remind myself that I am a valuable human being who deserves to be free from suffering and do whatever it takes to alleviate that suffering.

 

I also tell myself that stepping back to protect myself is a form of self care which is not only my right but also my duty towards myself. It also creates conditions that will lead me to be productive sonner. But I am equally valuable when being less productive.

 

In periods like this I tend to lose perspective on things. That's all part of this unfortunate package. From where I'm standing it's easier for me to see your situation as something temporary that will continue to improve: you were off the drug for 4 months after over 10 years of use. But you took a major step in the right direction by reinstating and it's great that it is working. However, the next period will be a very fragile one while you are waiting for your brain to heal. It is just temporary and you are healing. Staying away from the stress of work and channeling all your time and energy on self-care is facilitating that process. Unfortunately, it will take some time but it will get better continuously.

 

Just be gentle to yourself and treat yourself with any kindness you can think of as if you were nursing a best friend. I often compare our condition to a broken leg. Except that we don't give our brain the time for resting it needs to heal but expect it to hop around.

 

It might be interesting for you to see that although when I look at your situation I see it like this and I'm totally convinced of it. But when I look at my situation I can't help feeling a sense of doom and 'this is it'. It just shows how neuroemotions are powerful. But writing this to you helped a lot to reassure myself as well

 

Nz, I totally agree that people can have different experiences with counseling in withdrawal. We are very fragile and therefore more susceptible to everything around us. I am somebody who's been in therapy throughout all my withdrawals and CTs and periods of stability in between. The key for choosing counselors for me was choosing those where I am in control and where everything is adjusted to my needs. I'm the one that dictates the topics and everything. It's onyl natural that I don't discuss past issues when I'm badly destabilised. Any counsellor worth his/her salt should be able to tune it to people they are supporting to at least read their emotional state and even if my neuroemotions would lead me to ponder over my disturbing past it would be the role of the counselor to gently help me change the channel.

 

Me and my therapist without much discussion naturally distinguish periods when I'm strong enough to analyise my past and anything disturbing and other times when I just need support, reassurance and reminders of self-care. If my therapist sees I'm in distress she will even stop everything we are doing and guide me through a body scan or something grounding. I would expect every therapist worth of his/her salt to be able to provide that kind of support but there are all sorts of us so I'm aware that that's not always the case. It's just important to note that it is possible. It's not the best idea to look for one when we are raw either but if somebody will react to us well in such a situation, it will be even better in more stable periods...

[wrenster]

Thanks bubble and nz for your wonderful posts. I wish i could write amd express things as well as you, so so wise. I m sorry you are struggling bubble and i share that thought that it all makes sense when reading about neuroemotions etc but when in the midst of it, its very hard to see any glimmer of hope.

With regards to the counsellor, i feel i would be lost without her. Its no psychodynamic or analysis but straightforward client centered. It was me who touched on things from the past and i think we all do that when we re feeling vulnerable, ruminate on past traumas. I have felt that everything was surpressed by the drugs and my minds gone haywire at present relieving past memories and distressing feelings. My memory seems to be coming back. I m reflecting on a lot of things that i had forgotten until recently. I find the release of just talking to my counsellor about my scary thoughts just gets them out of my head. Its like empyting out the garbage lol. I guide this completely.

I m so glad i stayed off work and am learning to cope with each day at present and trying to build up my resilience over the next two weeks. I m taking a day trip with the dog to a secluded beautiful part of ireland tmrw and trying to learn/ be at peace with myself. I m trying not to be afraid of these thoughts and emotions and trying to be kind to myself. Love to you all for the interest and help u have given me. Xx