Wrenster: Struggling and feeling like giving up

[wrenster]

I've been thinking about that term 'mental illness' a lot over the years. At first I decided to embrace it - blast through the stigma etc. But I got uncomfortable with that, as time went on. Now I think there's no such thing.

 

My theory atm is that depression, anxiety, PTSD etc (which were my issues) are very logical and understandable responses to the pain of living in a world gone mad. They are signals to us that we need rest, care, love, understanding. And they are signals that we need to take time to get these things. It may take 6 months, or it may take a year or longer. These things are a part of our journey.

 

Wishing you blessings as you tend to all these parts of yourself on this journey,

Karen

[wrenster]

Karen. I agree that the term mental illness is not the right word. I would call it emotional distress caused by deep unhappiness from adverse life events. I have always believed that there is a life event that triggers this and the medical model as we know has been coined to create a job for psychiatrists. All these drugs do is suppress emotions.

[wrenster]

And thanks for your blessings karen. Wishing you the best too xxz

[wrenster]

Hi guys i m still here:). Made the decision to go back to work next week. Still very agitated at times but do get periods of a few hours when i can feel good. Still v little stress tolerance. Find v little relief from anx mgmt techniques like i used to before withdrawal. I seriously feel like v little works to calm the inner restlessness and anxiety but to go through it. Hopefully in time it will ease. I have to say i still have doubts whether this will ever go away and that this is me without the pills. Need to read some more success stories.

[Songbird]

Are you still on the 5mg sertraline?

[wrenster]

Yes somgbird. Think it has maybe made a tiniest bit of difference.

[wrenster]

Its hard to know whether to increase more. I m coping .

[bubble]

I would definitely stay the course.

 

Although you find it hard to believe such a small dose can make a big difference we see a lot of people who don't reistate to get even worse.

 

There will still be waves so it is very important to continue to be patient and gentle with oneself.

[wrenster]

Yes bubble i will continue at the 5 mg. I just dont think i will increase it unless the withdrawals get worse again. How long would it be recommended to stay at that dose before reducing?

[Songbird]

Your aim is stability.  If after a few more weeks you still feel bad w/d symptoms, you could consider going up to a higher dose.  Only 5mg out of an original dose of 75mg is very tiny and might not be enough to alleviate w/d.  We've seen here these tiny doses do work for some people, while others need a higher dose to get stable, though most don't need to go all the way back up to original dose.  You'll have to weigh it up.  I would not reduce dose until stable, that is w/d effects have gone, or if the kind that don't go completely, have settled down considerably.

[wrenster]

Thanks songbird and thank you to all the lovely people who ve offeredsupport and words of wisdom over the last month. I feel having this time off has helped me gather my resources again. I ve spent much time reading the forums about neuroemotions and have noticed how they always pass and dont stay the same which gives me comfort to think that just cos i m really struggling for a few days doesn mean it will last forever. I think the constant crying was the hardest thing to handle as i felt i had no control over this except to let it happen, which was the truth. This hasn happened for over a week so i really hope i ve seen the last of it. However least i know now that it does pass and isn a sign of clinical depression. I feel the anxiety frequently and find the only way to mamage is to let it pass and try to distract.

[bubble]

You have learnt a lot (and if you stick with us you will learn more

 

I would just like to encourage you to stick with the course. Have you been reading about windows and waves pattern of stabilising? Recovery is not linear. This is just so that you know that if some symptoms return, even crying spells it is normal and it doesn't mean that things started going downhill again. This is just a part of healing which is happening even in such cases. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/82-the-windows-and-waves-pattern-of-stabilization/page-1

 

After I reinstated I held my dose for 4 months. Patient holding after reinstatement has worked as it has for you is key. As you continue to hold you will probably see reemergence of some symptoms but also see how you are becoming stronger. It's so sad to see how people ruin their progress (and cause a lot of suffering) by starting to taper too soon. 

 

I was constantly reminded to hold and I'm so very grateful for every time somebody told me that. 

[wrenster]

Hi bubble. I will stay on the 5mg for a few months. I feel so tired with it all today. Such a battle with all these neuroemotions. Large fweling of anhedonia today and motivation so poor. Yet i push myself. Have been to the gym.my mind just seems to be permanently on a mission to fix all these feelings and take them away. Its the mental health nurse in me. Of course i cant succeed. I m not a very patient person and it scares me when i read about the amount of people on here who are still struggling after a few years. I dont think i could do that. I ve had fleeting suicidal thoughts today. Its painful being in my skin for most of the time. I have major life events coming up this year including foot surgery, buyin a house and supporting my parents with their ill health. Alongside my difficult job. I wish i could look into the future and see when the worst of this will pass. In my mind life is so short and something i want to enjoy,as i was before i came off these drugs. Sorry to sound so negative but would love to get my life back.

[bubble]

You don't sound negative. You sound real. I'm also not a patient person. Very, very few people are. But necessity is the mother of virtue

 

You will continue to improve.

[SquirrellyGirl]

HI Wrenster, 

 

Could you remind me why you tried to come off the psych drugs in the past and why you decided to come off this time?  I think it is normal to feel the way you are feeling, part of the grief process.  Thing is, no one can see into/predict the future, even when life is good.  I know I have always had an issue with control, falling apart when losing control or not able to be in control of life situations.  I have a low tolerance for frustration, but that is something that i am finally coming to peace with.  I think that is part of the problem for many of us, that our "solution" to not being able to control things is anger/frustration/depression (or anxiety),  for sure for me.

 

Acceptance - elusive but necessary to find peace with what is.  None of us are guaranteed for life to go the way we want it to.  I still go through waves of rebelling against what is, like last weekend, but I settle down and get back to Acceptance. All we have is this moment.  Just need a reminder now and again :-)

 

Chin up, my dear!

SG

[wrenster]

HI Wrenster,

 

Could you remind me why you tried to come off the psych drugs in the past and why you decided to come off this time? I think it is normal to feel the way you are feeling, part of the grief process. Thing is, no one can see into/predict the future, even when life is good. I know I have always had an issue with control, falling apart when losing control or not able to be in control of life situations. I have a low tolerance for frustration, but that is something that i am finally coming to peace with. I think that is part of the problem for many of us, that our "solution" to not being able to control things is anger/frustration/depression (or anxiety), for sure for me.

 

Acceptance - elusive but necessary to find peace with what is. None of us are guaranteed for life to go the way we want it to. I still go through waves of rebelling against what is, like last weekend, but I settle down and get back to Acceptance. All we have is this moment. Just need a reminder now and again :-)

 

Chin up, my dear!

SG

[wrenster]

SG. Good to hear from u. I decided to come off as i did n feel i was depressed and was worried about the long term effects of these drugs. I was also concerned if i wanted to have a child this year and the implications/risk to baby. Nothing could prepare me for the reality of this though. I had never heard of withdrawal or any info on how to taper. SG you sound in a better place than me as i find it very hard to accept the intense anger and irritability, anxiety , emotionality that i feel. I have managed to accept difficult emotions/feelings in the past but i reiterate what i have posted before. I do not feel that these neuroemotions respond to any of the self help techniques i use well. I dont recognize myself at present. I was outgoing and gregarious. I m a shell at present and so flat.

[wrenster]

Was there a time SG that it got easier for u to cope and start to feel more at ease and for the acceptance to start working. How do i accept this sheer hell of feelings.

[wrenster]

I read all the stuff you gave me about eckhart tolle etc

. It makes sense but i cant do it when i m completely overwhelmed by these feelings.

[Flowers]

Hello Wrenster

 

I know it is very hard to deal with what has happened to us. Things will change for you I am sure and if you need to updose just a little more the mods will advise you on how much.

 

I think at the moment you have a lot on your plate coming to terms with what has happened to you. It is upsetting to think of the people we were before WD. But sometimes it is better to look forward and try to focus on what you can do to get through the tough times and make you feel better. You will get your old self back but it will take time.

 

Everyone is different in finding ways to help them cope. When I was at my worst I found it helped to try and distract myself with anything/something that took my mind off myself and my problems. I couldn't read or watch TV to start with so started going for a long walk after I had got up each day. It worked wonders in improving my mood. If it was raining I would walk around a shopping mall! I sorted out the house tidying drawers and cleaning out cupboards rather than just sitting worrying about myself. I can't say I enjoyed it but it worked!!

 

I still find it helps if I get out of the house each day. Meeting up with friends for a coffee/chat is distracting. Once I felt well enough to pick up a book I started to enjoy reading again or I would watch TV.  I also found pottering around the garden helped too.

 

Have you tried mindfulness? This really helps me as I do still get symptoms but on a much lesser scale now. Also progressive relaxation exercises help me relax and take away the anxiety and I can do them as many times a day as necessary.

 

I would try not to push yourself too much with the exercise - just take it gently. I over exerted myself physically and it made me feel so much worst.

 

Just take one day at a time and be gentle with yourself.

 

Flowers xxx

[wrenster]

Thank u flowers. X

[wrenster]

Hi guys. Hope your all ok. I d been doing bettee but regressed a lot recently. Waking up 10/10 on anxiety scale. Horrendous. Didnt increase my taper at all since dec and still on the 5mg of sertraline. This week we found out my mum has demwntia . I also have foot surgery two weeks today which has a long recovery. Obviously these are major issues. I m cryjng a lot. I m starting to query whether i should increase the sertraline. This feels unmanageable at times. I m worried that i ll completely relapse after my surgery from.the stress of that and not being able to go out and exercise for a couple of months. Xx

[Songbird]

In your situation, it's hard to predict whether increasing will help, or won't, or possibly make things worse.  In your situation, I would probably give it a try, but I am not you, so it's not my decision.  You need to weigh up how you're feeling and the chance of it working, versus the risk of making things worse.  If you do decide to increase, do a small increase first and see how you react, i.e. don't jump back up to 75mg as sudden big dose changes can freak out your system.

[wrenster]

Thanks songbird. Its so hard to know. I m feeling really dreadful at the moment and would love the protected feeling of the antidepressant but its sad to have come 6 months down the line and have to go back on them. I m really worried about fully relapsing after this op. I am anxious from the min i wake up till about evening time. I have no appetite and am constantly rushing to the toilet. I m emotionally fatigued and tearful. A lot of my anxiety is about the operation. I ve never had one in my life. Its bunion surgery and i ve read so many bad things om the internet about it. My surgeon has given me lots of reassurance but i cant seem to take it on board. I m trying meditating. I feel like ending this misery of a life sometimes. I m not coping at all. Please help

[KarenB]

Hi Wrenster,

 

Firstly, if you are feeling suicidal please don't put off calling a local help line.  Keeping safe is the most important thing. 

 

I'm going to check in with the other mods as to whether a small up-dose would help.

 

Keep going with the meditating - do you have some guided ones to help you along?

 

Back soon,

Karen

[Fresh]

Hi wrenster ,     could you clarify where things are at with medication?

" its sad to have come 6 months down the line and have to go back on them."

From sig.:  " Reinstated sertraline 5mg on 19 dec."

[Petunia]

As Fresh has asked, are you still taking 5mg of Sertraline? What happened when you reinstated in December, did you feel any better?

[Altostrata]

Hello, wrenster. Are you taking fish oil and magnesium regularly?

 

You are dealing with many life stressors. You seem to expect an unrealistic amount from yourself. Please think of nurturing yourself as though you would a child.

 

Have you reviewed the foot surgery thoroughly with the doctor? You can't tell the future, why not visualize a smooth recovery rather than a disaster?

 

Do you tend to have health anxiety? This might be a good time to take up meditation for when those anxious thoughts come.

[wrenster]

Hi all appreciate the responses. Guys i m still on 5mg sertraline which i reinstated mid dec. Have stayed on that amount. I have been through a lot lately and i think thatcon top of wd has tipped the scales. I got quite bad yesterday and was feeling very sick and couldn eat. My mind was racing. I had to lie down and try and still myself. My partner actually helped last night by talking me through what a positive thing the op is and all the things i could do whilst i cant walk like doing online learning , arts, teaching my dog tricks and actually trying to look forward to it. I ve been saying to myself 'stop!' Whenever my mind starts going again and doing the breathing. Feel a bit better today.

[bubble]

Times of crisis are times when we have the opportunity to try dealing with difficult situations and states with non-drug ways just like you did.

 

It is very hard. Difficult situation are difficult because they shatter us and scare us to the core but if we survive them with the help of new tricks we learnt they can be transformed into an incredibly liberating experience.

 

I just make experiments: what will happen if I don't look to drugs to bail me out but look for all the other ways that could help me (including changing my mental set up). I survive just as well...

 

What you did yesterday sounds like a major milestone in your overall recovery. Wishing you many more similar experiences.

[wrenster]

Thanks bubbles. I m trying different things. I m trying to challenge my mindset and these negative automatotic thoughts re op. Alto you are right about visualising a good recovery. I ve been catasyrpphising. Its like sometimes ur mind says oh think the worst so your prepared for it but thats rubbish . It only increases the anxiety constantly examining each worrying thought and looking it up on the internet. Alto i haven generally been preoccipied with health concerns but then i ve not really had anything big wrong with me physically. I do however remember when my mh was relapsing yrs ago being sure i had cancer which turned out to be ibs. I was totally consumed by anxiety at that point too.

[wrenster]

Alto i have reviewed the foot surgery with the surgeon and it all sounded fine. But i went home and googled all the stories of bunion surgery and got myself in a state again. Ridiculous i know

[Altostrata]

If you need the surgery, gather information until you feel secure to make a decision. Then commit to trusting the surgeon, don't second-guess yourself, don't look back.

 

If you don't need the surgery or don't trust the surgeon, postpone your decision.

[wrenster]

I need it and i trust the surgeon. All set for next sat!! I ve waited years on the waiting list. If i dont do it my deformity will get worse and i ll have to wait anotheryr. No brainer really. Like u said. I cant look back

[nz11]

These drugs can make us very indecisive.

And unable to make a decision. They also amplify emotions like fear.

 

If you are convinced and convicted this is the right thing to do. And it sounds like you are. Then just surrender to the process and go with the flow.

 

I needed surgery to stop a recurring dislocating shoulder and got very indecisive and cancelled I then had another dislocation my 10th and realised I had to do what I had to do.

It was no problem and I looked forward to it. I'm so glad I did it ...eventually. I should have done it sooner. My fears were all in my mind there was nothing to it.

I'm sure you will be fine.

[wrenster]

Hiya nz. Nice to hear from you .i agree that fear is magnified big time. Glad u get your op. I certeinly need this one x