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SkyBlue: Paxil taper

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SkyBlue
12 hours ago, Rabe said:

What a huge gift in the New Year!  SO SO happy for you!  And amazed you have made the journey...hope!!💜

Thanks very much, Rabe! Very kind of you. ❤️

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SkyBlue

Struggling, need support. Today is hard. Hard isn't the word. I'm supposed to remember that s, this culminates in healing and I've had good days and and and and. I used to be so completely functional. This isn't who I am. Three and a half years. an't type any more. I will probably delate this later out of embarrassment. 

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bubble

I'm glad you wrote and reached out Sky!

 

Could you tell a bit more about this wave? How are you feeling? I need to do some catching up on your thread...

 

Hang in there, keep us posted, these things do go away!

Xxx

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wantrelief

I am so sorry you are struggling, SkyBlue.  Please don't feel embarrassed, it is good you reached out for support.  This is all so hard, we all need support.  I hope you get some relief very soon. 

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Rosetta

Hi Sky,

All I can say is I'm thinking of you.  There's nothing to feel embarrassed about.  Yes, it does culminate in healing.  But it's so hard, I know.  Hang in there.  (((SkyBlue)))

Rosetta

 

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SkyBlue

You guys, @bubble, @wantrelief, @Roseta, thank you so much for your kindness and support.

2 hours ago, bubble said:

I'm glad you wrote and reached out Sky!

Could you tell a bit more about this wave? How are you feeling? I need to do some catching up on your thread...

Hang in there, keep us posted, these things do go away!

 

It's a wave starting Thursday. Thanks for saying not to be embarrassed. In a way, it's unbelievable to me that I could have a good day (still some dp/dr, overstimulation, then exhaustion but that's a relatively good day) on Wed., but that's what windows and waves are.

Since Thursday, off and on deeply despondent; severely irritated, loss of meaning, severe emotionality. Went to a part-time (one day only) job yesterday but wasn't needed. In my emotional state, I took that personally even though it's not about me. It was hard to put myself out there in a world I'm not 100% agreeing that I will ever be able to handle again. This is where I remind myself that many, many people have healed -- it just does not seem real at all right now.

 

I do know *what* to do; have been having trouble today *wanting* to do it. Even wanting to go on, but I will. I can't feel the connection to anything that's important in my life, but I will feel it again. Because this is coming from a brain that is temporarily disabled, I need to not blame myself; not sure why that is so hard. Hearing from you has reminded me that this is an actual withdrawal thing, not that my life has suddenly become hopeless. Thank you. ❤️

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wantrelief

Oh I hope this wave passes for you soon.  It is impressive you got yourself to the job yesterday despite how you were feeling.....that must have been hard to be told you weren't needed after your effort of making it there.  I know what you mean about healing not feeling real at the moment....I have trouble with that too. But as you said so many have been where we are and have healed, we will too.  Hang in there, SkyBlue....do whatever you need to do to get through this wave.  I will be thinking about you, WR.

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bubble

We always need to be reminded of that in a wave! That's what makes a wave a wave...

 

When it hits me, I don't try any more. I just do my best to let go and roll with it. What does a sailing boat in a storm do? Pulls down its sails and waits for the storm to blow away. A sick cat just curls up. And waits for it to pass. This is not a time to be making any conclusions about our lives. But neuroemotions will make us go right there. They will make us take things personally. Rationally we might understand it all but neuroemotions are so convincing.

 

I find great comfort in Tara Brach lately. Hope it passes soon.

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Carmie

Hi Skyblue, 

 

I’m very sorry to hear that you’re in a bad wave. Yes, those neuro emotions can certainly get the better of us, even though we know logically we will eventually heal. I think that each and everyone of us have gone through those many times, everything seems overwhelming and one doesn’t know how one can keep on going. Then we get some nice windows again and think, yes, we will heal.

 

I love what Bubble said about the sailboat and the cat. When a storm comes the sailboat puts down its sails and rides out the storm, and when a cat is sick it just curls up and rests. This really is the time for self care. We need to float with the symptoms, which is easier said than done I know, but we can do it.

 

Do you have some good distractions? Do some nice things for yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Take a nice bath, try some new herbal teas or other foods that can bring you some comfort, get yourself some candles or fairy lights and make your home cosy, get a weighted blanket, watch some of your favourite movies or tv shows, listen to some of your favourite music, sit outside in nature, This really is a time for us to take self care to a new level. Don’t worry about what other people think, take care of yourself. It’s time to put your sails down.

 

Sending you a big hug🤗

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SkyBlue
22 hours ago, bubble said:

We always need to be reminded of that in a wave! That's what makes a wave a wave...

 

When it hits me, I don't try any more. I just do my best to let go and roll with it. What does a sailing boat in a storm do? Pulls down its sails and waits for the storm to blow away. A sick cat just curls up. And waits for it to pass. This is not a time to be making any conclusions about our lives. But neuroemotions will make us go right there. 

 

"That's what makes a wave a wave." So true!!!!! Very wise words also about essentially letting go and rolling with it and wait for it to pass and most importantly not making any conclusions about our lives!!! 

In most cases I'm fairly adept at rolling with symptoms/waves (esp. dp/dr which can still feel really scary and compelling, but I've gotten a lot of practice at my self-talk/distraction), but when it becomes hard to stay afloat, I so appreciate that I have you kind souls to guide me.

 

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SkyBlue
21 hours ago, Carmie said:

Do you have some good distractions? Do some nice things for yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Take a nice bath, try some new herbal teas or other foods that can bring you some comfort, get yourself some candles or fairy lights and make your home cosy, get a weighted blanket, watch some of your favourite movies or tv shows, listen to some of your favourite music, sit outside in nature, This really is a time for us to take self care to a new level. Don’t worry about what other people think, take care of yourself. It’s time to put your sails down.

 

Sending you a big hug🤗

 

Thanks so much, Carmie.

 

I totally agree with you about the self-care. Baylissa in her book talks about how we emerge from this wd experience with an amazing amount of self-care skills, and that is so true. Some of my favorites are (homemade) weighted blanket; distraction when possible by watching Midsomer Murders, Doctor Who, etc; exercise; gratitude; mindfulness; meditation, including guided meditations.

 

Yesterday I was feeling so low and not even caring about using my strategies, so reaching out and hearing your and others' lovely responses was a real life raft.

 

Today I'm having a huge amount of (neuro) anxiety, but am doing things "alongside" it. I'm trying a new recipe. Mulligatawney soup. (It's not lost on me that I now really care about feeding my body, and having the creativity of trying new things!) 

 

A great big hug right back to you! 

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Rosetta

Hang in there, Sky.  I'm feeling pretty uncomfortable, sad, and anxious myself.  We will get through it!! Hugs, Rosetta

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Carmie

Hi Skyblue, 

 

I’ve got Baylissa’s book as well. How is your neuro anxiety, has it settled a bit? It’s an awful feeling, isn’t it? 

 

How was your soup? It sounded delicious. I’m not sure I would know how to spell it though.🤣🤣 Yes, nutrition is very important when going through withdrawals, it’s important all the time, but we need to take even more care of ourselves when going through withdrawals. Our brains are working hard enough to fix themselves, they need all the nutrients they can get. 

 

Hope youre coping okay, sending hugs🤗

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SkyBlue
On 3/1/2019 at 6:03 PM, Carmie said:

I’ve got Baylissa’s book as well. How is your neuro anxiety, has it settled a bit? It’s an awful feeling, isn’t it? 

 

How was your soup? It sounded delicious. I’m not sure I would know how to spell it though.🤣🤣 Yes, nutrition is very important when going through withdrawals, it’s important all the time, but we need to take even more care of ourselves when going through withdrawals. Our brains are working hard enough to fix themselves, they need all the nutrients they can get. 

 

Hi Carmie and thanks so much for stopping by. ❤️

Yes, isn't Baylissa's book wonderful? I have several parts highlighted and flagged/tabbed.

 

My soup was not good!!! Lol!! It lacked something; I don't know what. I was exhausted and agitated but I still made it and I'm proud/glad about that. Making soup is better than not doing it at all.  Even caring enough not to eat the same thing every day now, and branch out with creativity/recipes/effort/caring, is a real gift whose significance isn't lost on me. Totally agree about the importance of nutrition for our bodies who need it so much.

 

I'm now at the hyperstimluation/jumpy/agitated stage, but I know how to get through it; calm, magnesium, eating enough;  breathing exercises, weighted blanket at home (actually helps somewhat); only doing the bare minimum needed; it always goes away in time. I just need to be in a comfortable recovery cave so nobody has to put up with me when I'm like this!!!

Hugs to you !!! 

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JackieDecides
On 3/1/2019 at 4:03 PM, Carmie said:

I’ve got Baylissa’s book as well.

 

I hadn't heard of her, but now I am reading on her website. 

 

On 2/23/2019 at 1:16 PM, bubble said:

I just do my best to let go and roll with it. What does a sailing boat in a storm do? Pulls down its sails and waits for the storm to blow away. A sick cat just curls up. And waits for it to pass. This is not a time to be making any conclusions about our lives.

 

this is SO smart! 

 

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Carmie
Posted (edited)

Hi Skyblue, 

 

How are you doing with the new recipes? What have you been cooking? I’m so glad you’ve got some creativity back. 

 

How is your agitation now? Yes, the weighted blankets are wonderful! I love mine. 

 

Take care💚

Edited by Carmie
Typo

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SkyBlue
14 hours ago, Carmie said:

How is your agitation now? Yes, the weighted blankets are wonderful! I love mine. 

 

Take care💚

 

Thanks so much for asking, Carmie. I really appreciate it. 

 

I've had agitation/"13 cups of espresso" feeling for the past several days, with a few episodes of full-blown indescribable rage/despair/not believing I can go on anymore like this. 

No known trigger for those episodes, except something like my clothes brush against me in a way I don't like, or something tiny like that. When it happens, I can't sit or lay down because I have to be sitting "just right" otherwise it gets worse. I wish I was making that up. I don't know how I keep living through it, but I do. It's so strange to know you've lived through and are living through something that most people could never imagine. Not a club I'd ever chosen to be a part of.

 

And now today, no agitation at all. Felt pretty clear. And of course I will keep going. To me, the clarity today (not just a bit better, but zero agitation at all)  is an absolute sign that symptoms, even the most intolerable of them, are absolutely, totally 100%, our nervous systems healing. 

 

If I'm just a bit wired/dp/dr/dissociated/overstimulated, the weighted blanket helps a lot. Man, I love my weighted blanket. If I get in that supernatural-rage-type-feeling, though, there's nothing that helps; I can only stand still while it flows through me. 

 

I'm afraid I'm going to scare people away from my thread, talking about this! 

 

On a brighter note, thanks--I'm so happy I've got some creativity back, too. I find that often, I run out of steam mid-project, but it's wonderful to care about doing a project at all. 

 

Hope you are doing well. ❤️ I know you deal with a lot, and you are an inspiration. 

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Rabe

Gosh SkyBlue...Im sorry things have been so challenging recently...but also so grateful to hear it has improved!  You are an inspiration!!! Take care of you!💜

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SkyBlue
On 3/11/2019 at 8:13 PM, Rabe said:

Gosh SkyBlue...Im sorry things have been so challenging recently...but also so grateful to hear it has improved!  You are an inspiration!!! Take care of you!💜

 

Thank you, Rabe. ❤️

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Carmie

Hi Skyblue, 

 

I’m really sorry you’ve been struggling so much, feeling like you’ve been drinking a million espressos. I know what that feels like, it’s quite intense. Great that it subsided this week, has it stayed away?

 

Yes, sometimes there’s not a lot we can do, except let the intense symptoms pass. When my symptoms are really severe I just distract myself with everything and anything. The symptoms don’t go away, but it helps me to cope. I’ve done all day DVD marathons before. I used to crochet non stop for years as it helped when symptoms were bad too, but I’ve had to stop because I got RSI. I have a lot of other crafts I can do instead now. 

 

No, you won’t scare people away from your thread. We are all in the same boat going through this horrific ordeal, and it helps when we know we are not alone. It helps knowing what we are going through is normal part of withdrawals. Our poor little brains are working hard trying to reach homeostasis again. They will get there! 

 

It’s good to journal on here too, it brings the seriousness of withdrawals to the public. It is also good to get thoughts out of your head and on paper or typed down. If not here, then at home. I was journaling heaps at home, I’m going to start again. I do it on my computer as typing is quicker and I can put my thoughts down as they come out. I don’t know much about computers, mine is just a glorified typewriter. I do everything else on my iPad. 

 

Keep enjoying that weighted blanket, they are great!! And YAY for getting some of your creativity back!!

 

Sending hugs🤗

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Miko789
On 2/23/2019 at 9:43 PM, SkyBlue said:

You guys, @bubble, @wantrelief, @Roseta, thank you so much for your kindness and support.

 

It's a wave starting Thursday. Thanks for saying not to be embarrassed. In a way, it's unbelievable to me that I could have a good day (still some dp/dr, overstimulation, then exhaustion but that's a relatively good day) on Wed., but that's what windows and waves are.

Since Thursday, off and on deeply despondent; severely irritated, loss of meaning, severe emotionality. Went to a part-time (one day only) job yesterday but wasn't needed. In my emotional state, I took that personally even though it's not about me. It was hard to put myself out there in a world I'm not 100% agreeing that I will ever be able to handle again. This is where I remind myself that many, many people have healed -- it just does not seem real at all right now.

 

I do know *what* to do; have been having trouble today *wanting* to do it. Even wanting to go on, but I will. I can't feel the connection to anything that's important in my life, but I will feel it again. Because this is coming from a brain that is temporarily disabled, I need to not blame myself; not sure why that is so hard. Hearing from you has reminded me that this is an actual withdrawal thing, not that my life has suddenly become hopeless. Thank you. ❤️

 

Hi Skyb,

 

sorry to hear about the wave, must be hard,

 

where did you find the one day job, part-time I want one, I need one.

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SkyBlue
1 hour ago, Miko789 said:

 

Hi Skyb,

 

sorry to hear about the wave, must be hard,

 

where did you find the one day job, part-time I want one, I need one.

 

Hi Miko,

Thanks for stopping by. It's hard, but it's my pattern. It's not anything new. Hopefully someday it will subside.

 

As far as the job: it's kind of a long story, but it's through someone I know. Wish I could be more helpful. 

Thanks again for your kind words.

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SkyBlue
13 hours ago, Carmie said:

Yes, sometimes there’s not a lot we can do, except let the intense symptoms pass. When my symptoms are really severe I just distract myself with everything and anything. The symptoms don’t go away, but it helps me to cope. I’ve done all day DVD marathons before. I used to crochet non stop for years as it helped when symptoms were bad too, but I’ve had to stop because I got RSI. I have a lot of other crafts I can do instead now. 

 

No, you won’t scare people away from your thread. We are all in the same boat going through this horrific ordeal, and it helps when we know we are not alone. It helps knowing what we are going through is normal part of withdrawals. Our poor little brains are working hard trying to reach homeostasis again. They will get there! 

 

 

Thanks so much, Carmie.

It comes and goes on a sort-of predictable pattern. 

 

I totally hear you about the distracting. It doesn't make the symptoms go away, but it gives us something additional to do. Very important. If I can do something "alongside" the symptoms (and I can't always; but I always will, if I'm able to), eventually I'll just remember the activity itself, not how bad the symptoms were that day.

 

Thanks--I'm glad I won't scare people away! lol. I agree that we will get there; our brains are so amazing to survive this. 

 

Hugs right back!! ❤️

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Carmie

Hi Skyblue, 

 

How have you been doing?💚

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SkyBlue
7 hours ago, Carmie said:

Hi Skyblue, 

 

How have you been doing?💚

 

Hi Carmie!

Thanks so much for asking. Windows and waves!!!! Partial and even a few full windows, which are like precious jewels. I'll never take "feeling okay" for granted, that's for sure. A rage/agitation wave cleared for a while on Sunday night and I was like, "I FEEEEELLL OKAAAAAAAY!!!!!" 

 

Okay, friends. I'm gearing up for what is usually (*and perhaps this will be the first month w/ no symptoms) the very worst 2 days of the (hormone-related) wave. Any encouragement appreciated. If you don't hear from me, know that I am okay and will post when I'm back above water. 

 

Btw, I've found that being prepared for a predictable wave is more helpful than just hoping for the best. I used to be afraid of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, but no, that's not what happens. It's predictable withdrawal biology and nervous system healing. 

 

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Peachy

hi @SkyBlue!

How did you fare?? Did you make it without too many symptoms?

I'm just coming out of a doozy. I had PMS for a week (on schedule), then I spotted a week (still experiencing PMS), then I finally had my period in all its glory. I felt awful the first two days of bleeding, then it was almost like I was manic and high the next day or two. Weird right?

 

I was thinking. Could the awful PMS waves be something like a kindling effect? I mean, I understand we are hypersensitive to the drop in hormones, or even the changes, hence my reaction to my hormones coming back up to higher levels. But is this something like a hypersensitivity to chemicals in WD? Does that heal, or does it just persist as PMDD? 

Just thinking out loud and wondering others views on why this is just so awful. Do you know of women here who developed "PMDD" and years later it did resolve? 

I REALLY hope this one was better for you...

xx

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SkyBlue

Sorry, I will respond to the kind messages above when I feel ok.

 

I am seeking support as I ride out the rest of this wave, totally thought it would be over by now. I need to be somewhat functional today. I was sick for a few days and I know that's made it worse. Wasn't able to eat properly. Tons of rage/suicidal rage awakenings in middle of night, extreme irritation, feeling of meaninglessness. 

I felt okay for a short while yesterday and started a bunch of chores that had piled up while I was sick (mainly regular laundry, bed sheets laundry, etc)... oops. That was exhausting and rage-causing (sensory something). Oh well, I had to get that stuff done, though.

 

Have been doing every strategy I can, including like @bubble said above, the thing about the sailboat and the cat. Just riding it out. Just waiting. 

 

Any high-fives and reminders that this passes, neuro-emotions aren't real, just ride it out, this plateaus and passes, I will appreciate. Thank you. ❤️

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wantrelief

You are doing really really well, SkyBlue. As waves have passed for you before, this one shall too.  Your feeling even ok for a short while yesterday is a very good sign it is already getting better.  Just keep holding on as you are and all of this will pass.  Sending good thoughts your way, WR.

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JackieDecides
1 hour ago, SkyBlue said:

I am seeking support as I ride out the rest of this wave, totally thought it would be over by now. 

 

isn't that the hardest thing? you can't predict when you will feel better and you are supposed to accept that!  I hope you get some relief soon, we are all thinking about you. 🤗

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brassmonkey

((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

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direstraits

I can relate to the horrible rages,it's terrifying.

hope you feel better soon.xx

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Maryb

Sending prayers and wishing for a good wave soon.  I need the same.  🙏🙏🙏

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Rosetta

Oh, SkyBlue.  I'm sorry about this wave.  It's so hard to fall back.  Yes, it will pass.  It always passes.  -R

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Gridley

SkyBlue, my heart goes out to you.  As Rosetta said, it will pass.  I know that in the midst of it, it seems permanent but it isn't.  And healing is going on through the worst of it.

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SkyBlue

Oh, you guuuuuuuuys.... Seriously! <3... Thank you SO much.

Guess what, I lived. Who could have known that? The wave crashed and passed and I survived. 

 

11 hours ago, wantrelief said:

Sending good thoughts your way, WR.

Thanks so much, WR. 

 

10 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

 I hope you get some relief soon, we are all thinking about you. 🤗

Thanks very much--I finally have gotten relief and it's like being able to breathe again.

 

7 hours ago, brassmonkey said:

((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

((((((Hugs)))) right back, Brass. Thank you.

 

@direstraits, thanks--yes, the rages are terrifying. Can't wait to never experience those again. 

@Maryb, I really appreciate it. I will pray for you too. We all need each other in this.

@Rosetta, thank you--it actually did pass. Thanks for the reminder, which I always need!!!!

@Gridley, thank you so much--it's definitely not permanent--and it's amazing that healing actually is taking place during those difficult times.

 

I am so grateful beyond words for your support. I am finallyyyyy feeling better, and going to rest a bit and head for bed. 

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JackieDecides
17 hours ago, SkyBlue said:

I am so grateful beyond words for your support. I am finallyyyyy feeling better, and going to rest a bit and head for bed. 

😀

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