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SkyBlue

SkyBlue: Paxil taper

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brassmonkey

We go through it to get back to that wonderful window you had on Tue and Wed.  The days when the things we care about are there and really matter.

 

You should make a third card that says "I felt wonderful today" at the top of it and list those dates too.  I've seen on your thread that these windows are showing up more often, so they need to be at least recognized and better celebrated each time they show up.

 

One of then lessons of WD is to recognize those things that really matter to us and cherish them, because we truly understand what it means to lose them.  WD is a time of sorting and redefining as we rebuild from the chaos we have been thrown into.  You have a good plan and lots of tools, now it's just a matter of letting it happen.  Keep up the walks, observe the "little things" a flower, a leaf, some clouds and let the enjoyment and wonder happen for a brief moment then move on. It can work like an Emotional Spiral except in a good way.

 

(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

 

Brass

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SkyBlue

You are so very right Brass!!! Thank you. I was so very thankful for the window on Tues, Wed. I did some journaling about it but also just enjoyed the time. I was even able to be more present with people. I'd like to write more but am going to head to bed. I have a lot to be grateful for and my friendships here are definitely on that list!!! Thanks again. <<<<HUGS>>>>      I love this: "Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017"

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SkyBlue

Hi everyone, an update -- I'm doing just fine now. 

 

Some thoughts in random order: 

 

1. My experience on Friday of having suicidal thoughts and still going-through-the-motions of things that I would usually love, like a walk by the river, being outside, seeing a friend -- that was important because even though I was feeling bad at the time, 

now that those bad feelings have cleared, what I'm left with is the memory of a beautiful sunny day, being with a friend, walking, the beginning of my favorite time of year, etc. 

And honestly none of those things individually made me feel much better (the main thing that seems to clear the withdrawal-induced suicidal thoughts is time)

I still feel it was important to keep putting one foot in front of the other and like I said, now I have those good memories. 

 

2. Yesterday was a pretty great day! (Same person, same life = in other words, more evidence that the "si" (suicidal ideation) is chemical/hormonally based). 

 

3. Today was (still is) a beautiful day. Sunny and everything is green and days like this are why you live in Minnesota and stick out the winters. 

 

4. A "gift" of withdrawal is just enjoying the absolute amazing beauty of a normal day. I just appreciate it so much. 

 

5. In terms of mindfulness, I think it's way easier said than done to "separate from your thoughts" and in my case, to know that the suicidal feelings aren't true -- but each time, even though they wash over me 99%, there is still a teeny bit of me there, and that's all I really need. I mean I need my SA friends' support, and the support of ppl close to me in real life, but even if only 1% of me is there and that part is very quiet, it's still there. So if you're reading this and are thinking, "So you just separate yourself from the suicidal thoughts and you're fine?" Well, not exactly. I mean, for me it is extremely challenging because it feels so real. So my intention in writing this is to let someone out there that if this feels hard and challenging for you… I get it. It is for me too. Keep fighting and I believe you will be glad you did.

 

6. Also, it's not, in my case, a cognitive thing. Like I don't think myself down into a place where I'm suicidal. That's not it at all. Again a clear indication that this is withdrawal-related. However it is so very strange! 

 

Hope you're all doing well. Thanks again for your support. I'm off to relax outside and enjoy this beautiful day. 

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Blondiee1915

Amazing update.  You should be proud of yourself despite those feelings you still went out for a walk and this is what you remember.  This is a true essence of a fighter.  Little victories like this will make a difference.  And yes separating yourself from the thought is very difficult and this is where mindfulness practice comes in.  The thoughts are just thoughts and they are not who we are.  Keep on going SkyBlue we are here for you :) 

 

I started reading a book and I highlight paragraphs that stand out to me and I want to share one on your wall if you don't mind 

 

" Always know that no matter what are you going through, at deepest level the essence of who you are still exists.  Irrespective of the drug's effects that have resulted in temporary challenges, you remain that special person who entered this world as a beautiful, healthy baby"  

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SkyBlue

Thanks very much Blondie!! I really appreciate it. :)  <3 

 

What an absolutely perfect quote to share that relates to what I was talking about. I have that book too! I'll have to take it down from my shelf and reread it. 

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KarenB

So happy for you Skyblue - thanks for taking the time to share how you have been working things out.  And thanks to Brass for that quotation - a vital understanding for all of us.

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SkyBlue

<3 <3 Thanks so much, Karen, dear. :) Hope you are doing well. 

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SkyBlue

My magnesium obsession continues…. I found these recently at a co-op: Dead Sea salts, similar to Epsom salts but supposed to be even better. They were amazing! I put a small amount in the tub and soaked only my feet (less commitment! lol) and wowwwwwww. I feel really really relaxed. 

 

(Here is an Amazon link but your local co-op might have them: https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Sea-Warehouse-Moisturizes-Exfoliates/dp/B005U5JPM4/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8) 

 

Gotta go; almost time for Better Call Saul!!! Anyone else a fan?

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Blondiee1915

Hi SkyBlue ! Oh I have to check those out . I tried taking magnesium twice and not sure if I felt any difference . To be honest I am nervous I will be even more tired on it . I do use Epsom salt for bath though . I've heard good feedback about that show I should check it out . Hope u r well

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brassmonkey

Since the first episode. I really love the way it's foreshadowing Breaking Bad.  It will be interesting to see what happens when the timelines actually meet.

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AmyK

A very interesting update on the 7Th of May. Well done, SkyBlue.

Love, Amy

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SkyBlue

Thanks so much, Amy! :)

 

Blondie, Maybe give it a try but start slow? Go with your instincts. I think that magnesium deficiency (which because of the stress of WD we all most likely have) can cause fatigue. So maybe a tiny bit of magnesium and build up from there? 

 

Brass--it's such an amazing show! I couldn't watch Breaking Bad -- too violent-- so I'm glad that I gave Better Call Saul a try because it's now my favorite show that's on. I watched all of Season 1 and 2 on Netflix in like a week or two!! And I'm watching with people who know Breaking Bad, so they fill in the bits and pieces for me of who each character becomes later on. Not having watched Breaking Bad, it was somewhat lost on me when in episode 1 the con artist skateboarders rang the doorbell of none other than… Tuco Salamanca!!!  :lol:  Enjoy your trip! 

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Blondiee1915

Hi SkyBlue - I did not know that . Maybe I'll give it a try over the weekend and see what happens . If I get too tired my bed is right there :). I actually took a bath last night I had some epsolm salt and got so tired after went to bed an hour later but slept the whole night so that is good . Hope you are doing good <3 have a wonderful weekend hugs !

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Cheeky

Hey Sky blue,

Just chimming in to say thanks for the words of encouragement. It helps a lot to have people understanding.

I'm here if you every need to talk xxx

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SkyBlue

Cheeky, you're so very welcome. My pleasure. :) 

 

Blondie, hope your weekend was good! I'll hop over to your thread when I get a sec.

 

 

The last few days have been all over the place! 

 

Thurs: Emotionally all over the place but some windows of feeling fine! Late at night, s.i. (chemical/hormonal--nothing bad happened. Got through it.)

Fri: Extremely tired (and very emotional because of that), but once I got home and was able to rest: great. just resting, clear thinking, sleepy, but good! 

Sat: Pretty great! Worked for a few hours. Enjoyed some time in the hammock; beautiful weather. Sleeeepy and about to go to bed at 8:30 (lol!) when a friend called--want to come over for some games? Sure. I'm glad I did.

 (Unfortunately suicidal rage awakening at 1 am on Saturday night/Sun morning. My mom helped me. I'm very grateful for her and my dad's support.)

Sun: Morning cortisol spike didn't subside -- I was ragey (took some magnesium and did grounding and managed not to break anything or tear any clothes). Then bad nausea and headache (hormones definitely) most of the day).

 

Grateful for my windows.  

 

Things I'm keeping in mind: 

- Meditating on being grateful for my windows. I've written about them in my journal (I'm big into journaling). When I get some clarity -- WOW -- it just feels so amazing. Being able to think absolutely clearly, wow. (And makes me realize how much I've been really pretty darn confused/foggy/awful not only in withdrawal but in what I now know was "poop-out" as well.)

- Trying to give myself the same compassion/patience/positive self-talk I would give anyone else. If I'm having a bad day, I don't get to criticize myself, because I wouldn't criticize anyone else for having a bad day. Working on this!!!!!

 

Hope you all are doing well. <3

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SkyBlue

Thanks to whoever (mods? Alto?) changed the title of this thread to the now more appropriate "Paxil Taper." :) Appreciate it! 

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Altostrata

It was one of our wonderful mods.

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SkyBlue

:) 

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Shep

 

Things I'm keeping in mind: 

- Meditating on being grateful for my windows. I've written about them in my journal (I'm big into journaling). When I get some clarity -- WOW -- it just feels so amazing. Being able to think absolutely clearly, wow. (And makes me realize how much I've been really pretty darn confused/foggy/awful not only in withdrawal but in what I now know was "poop-out" as well.)

- Trying to give myself the same compassion/patience/positive self-talk I would give anyone else. If I'm having a bad day, I don't get to criticize myself, because I wouldn't criticize anyone else for having a bad day. Working on this!!!!!

 

Hope you all are doing well. <3

 

 

This is a great list, SkyBlue. Thanks for sharing it with us.

 

"Trying to give myself the same compassion/patience/positive self-talk I would give anyone else" is simply brilliant. Over time, it's amazing how telling ourselves we're going to okay really helps. If we do it enough, it can even tie into those annoying looping thoughts, but instead of looping self-blame and ridicule, it can loop "I'm going to be okay" again and again until we believe it. Because it's true.  :)

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AliG

Sky. It's great that you're working on that critical voice as we all tend to have one, particularly in withdrawal. It is going to be okay and you already have one of the most important qualities, being gratitude, that helps get us through this.

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SkyBlue

I wrote at 3:35 am and it is now 4 am and I made it through another episode of suicidal rage: 

 

I think this deserves documentation, even though I am going to be so embarrassed when I wake up in the morning and realize that I posted this. I am in a suicidal rage and woke up screaming. It's very hard to see around this right now. Seriously, who wakes up in a rage wanting to leave this world? I have to see if I can calm down and if not I have to go wake up a family member to come sit with me and remind me that God hasn't forgotten me.  

 

We've done this many times and this family member has brought me through it 

 

Okay I breathed through it even though I hated every second of it. It's like Jekyl and Hyde, seriously. What a joke it is to think this will ever end. Because every cycle this always happens. I always think I'm better, yep, magnesium, calming, I feel so bad that my family has to support me through this.

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AmyK

Sending a warm hug.

Amy

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Blondiee1915

SkyBlue - you got through this and this is the most important thing . You are such an amazing soul . Do not feel bad for relying on your family members this is what they are for . They love you and want you to be well . I need to catch up on your thread (like from the beginning ) but I am wondering did you have these episodes from the beginning of being on Paxil or did it start when you withdrew or maybe when you started Zoloft ? Trying to see if there is a connection .

I remember you post from few days ago when in times like this there is this tiny 1% of you that needs to push through this no matter how hard it is .

Let me know how you are doing today sky . I am thinking of you

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SkyBlue

Hi friends, 

 

Today, pretty fine, thankfully. I'm so glad I could write that here and not feel embarrassed. 

 

Blondie, thanks for the kind words about relying on my family. <3 This rage-awakenings absolutely started immediately with the worst of my Paxil cold-turkey (20 mg to 10 to 5 mg; thank God I stopped at 5mg). They come with each cycle so they are hormonally related. They will stop someday. 

 

Shep, thanks for the kind words. Brilliant, I like that! <3

 

Ali, thanks--I really do try to be grateful. 

 

Amy, thans for the hugs!

 

Just so thankful for all of you lovely friends. <3 <3

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SkyBlue

Hi friends, 

 

A rough few last days. Hanging in there. 

 

- a degree of confusion (not like "where am I?," but difficulty thinking)

- strange sleep stuff ; nightmares; then huge cortisol rush in a.m. 

- extreme daytime anxiety (terror really) and not being able to think. Terror waiting behind every corner, every turn. 

 

- I think MOST of the above is due to fatigue. Yesterday when I came home I fell asleep and it got quite a bit better (from panic to anxiety).

 

I went to a comedy show last night and experimented with something. The anxiety was gnawing at me and I was so frustrated, but didn't want to go home. So I practiced the idea of, "Okay, you know what, anxiety? You've been with me for days. You can sit next to me in this chair and say all you want, but I don't have to believe you, and we're just going to watch this show." The anxiety didn't go away, and it was difficult to separate from it, but it did give me moments of peace. It's the beginning of mindfulness in this respect. 

 

I'd like to write more about that when I'm feeling more clear.

 

Still so sleepy today. 

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Shep

 

I went to a comedy show last night and experimented with something. The anxiety was gnawing at me and I was so frustrated, but didn't want to go home. So I practiced the idea of, "Okay, you know what, anxiety? You've been with me for days. You can sit next to me in this chair and say all you want, but I don't have to believe you, and we're just going to watch this show." The anxiety didn't go away, and it was difficult to separate from it, but it did give me moments of peace. It's the beginning of mindfulness in this respect. 

 

 

 

 

I can relate to this, SkyBlue. This is definitely the beginning of mindfulness and maybe even more than at the beginning because you are piecing things together and using it to cope. And that's very good. This is how mindfulness can become less of an academic exercise and more of a lifestyle. You are in training to become a guru. 

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SkyBlue

Thanks so much, Shep! <3

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brassmonkey

Wonderful way to AAF.

(((((((((HUGS))))))))))

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AmyK

Excellent way of handling anxiety, SkyBlue!

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SkyBlue

Thanks, Brass! Hugs right back!

 

Thank you, Amy! I appreciate it. 

 

<3 <3 <3 Feeling so grateful for this community. 

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SkyBlue

Hi friends, 

 

Have been in a terror today. Why in the world that would be, not sure. It has now faded to merely high anxiety so I am going on with the evening. I also had a most unwelcome "suicidal rage awakening" last night. Will be so glad when those are over. 

 

Statements I wrote down: 

I don't have to feel hopeful at all times in order for there to be hope. (This I worked out with my therapist since sometimes feeling like I need to be hopeful just adds another layer of stress/pressure.)

 

It's possible to not feel okay but still be okay. (Nothing has really changed since yesterday or since my last good days. It is just my body figuring things out.)

 

I'm going to a get-together; the victory will be in getting there and participating; if I have to come home early that is okay. Hugs to all!

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Gridley

Good luck on your get-together.  I have the same feelings about get-togethers.  If you come home early, that is absolutely fine.  I do it all the time.

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SkyBlue

Hi Gridley, thanks for stopping by and for your kind words. I did end up going, talked and socialized a bit, and came home. Glad I went but even more glad to be home! lol

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AmyK

Skyblue, you are doing so well working with your self in this way. It's true mindfulness and self compassion.

Good for you going to that get- together...the feeling of it afterwards.

Lots of Love and hugs!

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SkyBlue

Thanks very much, Amy. <3 Love and hugs to you! 

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brassmonkey

The important thing is that you went, stayed and came back. Well done.

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