success ☼ Matisse: 13 yrs paroxetine 8 months off withdrawal

[Matisse]

Hi, I have been reading through this site for months and it has helped immensely so thank you everyone.

My story is like many others and I'm at the 8 months mark. I filled in my signature but don't know if it's up.

13 yrs on paroxetine 20mg with a few switches to citalapram and fluoxetine but always went back to paroxetine.

I have ocd and was told this would help and all the other speel of it being ssafe and easy to come off etc etc.

It never really helped my ocd but I was stuck on it and I did a lot of therapy and helped manage my illness.

Last year I went into a dark depression and anxiety (which I've experienced on and off before) but this wasn't shifting so I thought I could change to prozac and wean off eventually ( I have wanted off this drug for years but withdrawal is horrendous).

That was the beginning of my whole life being destroyed. I had windows of a month and have had 3 severe physical and psychological waves that have traumatised me. I mainly suffer with extreme depression which has got worse in the last few months and my stress is unbearable. My partner and families are at breaking point with my symptoms and now my lack of any form of motivation. I suppose I have given up. They all believe and know it's withdrawal and I have even seen Dr David healy who confirmed what I have always known.

doctors are useless and no one knows what to do with me next.

My worse symptoms are the anhedonia and suicidal ideation which is strong. Like all of you I am exhausted and I just want some support from people who are going through it and are getting better.

Thanks for listening x

[AliG]

Matisse. Welcome.   You are in a good place , now . We will get this sorted. Please put in your drug history signature., as it will help us to assess what is going on .

 

Please put your withdrawal history in your signature

 

 A lot of us are going through it here, and trying to get through this. Depression & anxiety are common withdrawal  symptoms.  Have a read around , and come back with any questions and concerns.

Ali

[nz11]

Welcome Matisse

it is very good that Healy validated and acknowledged wdl. He is terrific. Did he refer you here? It is also great that family get it too.

Have you filed a yellow card complaint as i believe you can in the uk?

 

Your sig hasnt appeared yet.

In the meantime just wanted to say welcome. you are not alone.

 

nz11

[Matisse]

Thanks and because I'm on my mobile I confused as how to do the signature. Thought I filled it in when I signed up oh well will figure it out

[Matisse]

I have been researching withdrawal for this whole 8 months and have read so many articles aand most importantly the true and accurate stories on this site.

I have been struggling with suicidal ideation mainly based on the anhedonia which came on after an intense wave around 5 months off. My partner is at breaking point and so is my family and they support me when I am completely non functional. I know I'm early in the game and that gives me hope but what we all experience is inhumane and traumatising. I hope your both feeling some improvements.

[KarenB]

Hello Matisse and welcome to s/a,

 

I'm really sorry to read of what you've been going through.  I was in a similar place when I arrived here, in terms of depression and exhaustion.  It's a place that's hard to describe to others, it's so unbelievable difficult.  But we know, and we believe you.  There really aren't words for it... I just wanted to offer you a listening ear and some understanding. 

 

At 8 months, reinstatement would be a real long shot.  I'm just wondering if your earlier reinstatement may have worked if you had given it longer than 5 days.  Not sure if anyone else (hello more experienced mods) thinks it would be worth a try now?  Have any of your w/d symptoms improved?  Are any still worsening? 

 

It's good to have you here,

Karen

 

PS  If you want to, you can read my story of how I healed from a long and deep depression - the link is in my signature. 

[nz11]

Thanks for putting your signature up.

 

Holy cow your doctor CT you off paroxetine after 13 yrs use then put you on prozac for a month then CT that and sent you home.

That's the prozac bridge for ya!

Thats simply negligent.

 

Luke Montague sued his doctor in England for something very similar. You may be interested in reading his story. I can relate to so much of it. im sure you can too.

http://cepuk.org/2015/07/18/rapid-withdrawal-misprescribing-benzodiazepine-leads-1-35m-settlement-luke-montagu-cep-co-founder/

 

The symptoms you describe and are currently experiencing are classic wdl symptoms.

Like Luke i did not reinstate but kept my head down in the trenches and held on. The daily suicidal ideations were relentless and brutal at times. It is not easy but others have survived it. It took me about 2 yrs before i felt safe, up until then i thought about ri often  in order to 'take it away' but i never did.

 

There are some who have reinstated after many months off, stabilized and then tapered off . One such member is Mapleleaf girl .(ri after 11 months off).

You could check out her story.

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/7812-mapleleafgirl-successfully-tapered-off-paxil/

 

This is a risky game there are no guarantees.

 

Personally i am amazed you haven't  ended up in hospital after what your doctor did.

Only you know the level of suffering you can absorb but if your life is at stake then ri is an option perhaps like Karen said maybe give it more time.

Maybe a 1-2 mg could be a try.

Otherwise many report improvements in yr 1-2 and more so in yrs 2-3. A CT can extend the recovery trajectory though.

 

So sorry you are in this most difficult position due to no fault of your own.

[Matisse]

Hi Karen b and thanks. My tintitus has lessened and I only get physical symptoms like Akathesia and shakes etc every few months. I sleep well now. It's mainly the emotional and psychological stuff that has got worse and changed. I'm in windows and waves pattern.

[Matisse]

NZ you have just terrified me. I have read through all these posts and have read through so much literature and now feel like I should not have started on this site. I was starting to get my hope back. I think this was a bad idea.

[brassmonkey]

Hi Matisse--  Welcome to the group. Please don't loose hope. It is quite possible to regain control and greatly reduce the symptoms.

 

As KarenB pointed out reinstatement is going to be a bit tricky, but it is a possibility.  The trick is to not shock your system any more that it already it.  I would suggest trying a very small dose of say 1mg.  That shouldn't be too big to cause any trouble and should help take the edge off.  It will take four days for the drug to become steady state in the blood after which we can watch the symptoms and see how they react. Once we see how you react to the small dose you might want to increase it a little bit to fine tune things.  It can take a while, as in several weeks to several months, for things to really settle out but it does happen  and the symptoms calm down.  We have a good number of members who have reinstated after such a long time with very good results, there is no reason you should be any different.

 

I would suggest you find the thread on success stories and read through that.

[Matisse]

I mean that the post caused me distress. I was starting to regain hope but the post scared me. I tried reinstating at around 6 months but I know it's risky and the thought of tapering while going through withdrawals was a nightmare. I just wanted somewhere for support and hope not horrific stories. I have read through hundreds of stories over the past 8 months and some were horrendous. I'm choosing to look at healing and coping mechanisms. I even started creating art again after so many months. I don't know wet her me being on this site will help even though I have already read all your stories and I knew your names when they popped up. I'm someone who wants and has been accepting what is happening and not trying yo control it. I aim for calmness. Maybe it wasn't meant in the way it was stated but it scared me and I've not been scared like this for months.

[Christian]

I'm with you Matisse. We all just want the support without the horror stories and worse case scenarios. You will find several good stories on here. And even the threads that are incomplete due to the person not updating I know several that are doing OK.

[nz11]

Sorry Matisse

Didn't mean to scare you.

I see Luke's story as a success story he survived and came out the other end. So that is very hope giving.

Mapleleaf's story is also a success story and gives hope.

And hopefully i am a success story in progress.

 

I have tried to give you hope and tell you that it will recede in time but that it can take years, maybe for you it wont take years and may be only months no one knows but for me it took a long time.

 

I can only go by what you say ..if you say i am suicidal and cant take it anymore then ri is  an option to consider as Brass says many have found relief with a ri.

 

You have seen Dr Healy did he not give you some hope. Healy says that once drug free healing can take 2-4 years. For me that knowledge gave me a lot of hope to hold on.

 

Wishing you strength.

[Matisse]

I know it was not meant to harm or scare but it's something I don't want to ruminate on anymore than I do. Thanks Christian I hope your having some good days

I should note that all the symptoms I put in my signature are not always what I experience everyday but sometimes or rarely. I will probably have new symptoms.

[Matisse]

It's traumatising but I know and gave seen and read recovery happening and to me that's wonderful. I love windows especially when the dreaded anhedonia abates. I woke my partner up last week smiling and crying because I could feel love and could see colours. I just ended up snogging his face off he he (sorry for the crudeness lol) it's was awesome. It lasted throughout the next day. I was myself again and I wrote it down. I have windows at night for some reason and always feel calm in bed. Hope everyone else gets windows soon x oh I'm a 32 year old who is an artist and have a first hons degree in illustration and have worked freelance for magazines and websites but due to this I've had to stop for now but been drawing again recently. I probably sound too optimistic due to my situation but it's nice reminding myself of the few good things.

[Matisse]

Like all of us NZ I'm sensitive and I apologise because you are further out than me and I know you only meant it well. I just got scared maybe because it is hard and the reality for some is horrid.

NZ you actually helped as I found the site and have got new resources now and there were videos of people who recovered from hell and back and it was amazing to see.

Thanks

[nz11]

Hey Matisse if you are referring to the CEP site you are right there are some great resources there...did you know that site was co-founded by Luke Montague.

Those videos were put together by Luke.

[SquirrellyGirl]

It's traumatising but I know and gave seen and read recovery happening and to me that's wonderful. I love windows especially when the dreaded anhedonia abates. I woke my partner up last week smiling and crying because I could feel love and could see colours. I just ended up snogging his face off he he (sorry for the crudeness lol) it's was awesome. It lasted throughout the next day. I was myself again and I wrote it down. I have windows at night for some reason and always feel calm in bed. Hope everyone else gets windows soon x oh I'm a 32 year old who is an artist and have a first hons degree in illustration and have worked freelance for magazines and websites but due to this I've had to stop for now but been drawing again recently. I probably sound too optimistic due to my situation but it's nice reminding myself of the few good things.

Hi Matisse, 

 

I was happy to read that you were able to feel love again, see colors and create art again, all fantastic!  I think you are right in focusing on healing and coping strategies.  It sounds like the windows are getting really nice, and it is wonderful that you are having them!  I see this all as excellent proof that you are healing and working your way through recovery.

 

I think the best utilization of this site for you is to spend time in the Success Stories section, and to not read every intro under the sun here.  Then, add to your intro as you need to ask questions or just to report on how you are doing, to share the triumphs and when you need encouragement.  It is important to recognize when spending too much time on the web could be detrimental :-)

 

I think we tend to get panicky when we see that someone is having suicidal ideation, which brings up the topic of reinstating in an effort to alleviate those states of mind, but only you can say whether you have the fortitude to push through and send those thoughts packing.  I have been amazed at the grace with which many here have waded through such troubling phases of their withdrawal.  You can be that way, too.

 

Today I was reading success stories on BeyondMeds.com, and that might be something for you to do if you haven't already.  Many of those people went through the pits of hell only to come out the other side regaining vibrancy, and not always years-long sagas, too.  If reading the hard parts before getting to the positive ending is too much right now, then not so much 

 

I feel very encouraged by the reports you've given of the positives that have come up in your recovery.  I hope to read more!

 

SG

[Matisse]

Thanks everyone for reading and replying. At this point I have lost momentum and because I don't feel things I have eventually stopped even trying to do things anymore. I lie in bed and wait for the day to end. I feel like I'm waiting for it to happen and everyone is on me to start doing things again. It's only been recently I have stopped. Am I doing it wrong? I just feel that no amount of me doing things is going to improve the situation so why bother. I find it difficult doing things with no reward. Even cleaning you feel accomplished but nothing. I love my dreams because it's normal.

[SquirrellyGirl]

Apathy.  It's a withdrawal symptom.  When in withdrawal the nervous system is very sensitive and you must take care not to push yourself too hard because it can trigger withdrawal symptoms to do so.  I have had that happen.  I had a great morning yesterday and went with my DH to the big Ag Expo and did tours followed by walking around the fair grounds....I felt my energy sliding downward as we were walking the huge distance back to the shuttle, and insisted that we jump on a trolly to ride back even though it would take longer, because I knew I was on the edge of what I could handle.  By the time we got home, I was toast and could not fathom doing anything, even though there's a lot that needs doing!  This morning I woke up feeling in a fog, depressed, like wearing a lead coat and hat!  Thick headed.  So, I pushed it too hard yesterday.

 

When your family is pushing you to get it going, tell them that your nervous system is very sensitive and you have to be careful about pushing yourself too much, even if you want to, because it can trigger a wave.  Hopefully they will be more understanding.  I'm sure David Healy would support that.  

 

I know that it is frustrating to feel this way, and that brings anxiety about "will it ever end," but it WILL, and you just have to be compassionate and nurturing towards yourself right now.  It's OK to do nothing if that is what is needed.  I find playing upbeat music helpful in lifting my mood.  Someone else was writing about watching game shows or anything that doesn't trigger negative stuff.  I think ultimately relief comes from acceptance, not struggling against what is.  That doesn't mean accepting that this will never change, but that it is what it is for today.  Each day brings a new opportunity for a window :-)

 

Hugs :-))))))))

SG

[direstraits]

beautiful post,SG...thank you!

[SquirrellyGirl]

Thank you, direstraits!

 

SG

[Matisse]

Thanks, they do everything but want me to get showers and go for walks that's all. I don't think me doing nothing will help me but I cannot do the simplest of things without intense stress which brings on a rage. I cannot tolerate the house anymore and want to sell it and leave. My partner does not. If I won the lottery I would buy a house that did not need work doing to it. We have a old Victorian house which needs work in every room. I cannot even do things anymore in the house as I hate it and my head hurts from the stress. I just want to leave but have no money or job or anything. My partner is amazingly supportive and it's not him but the house. I know it's all withdrawal and my ocd has attached to it plus we have some mold in some of the rooms and now I'm terrified of it and won't go near it. I'm exhausted. In England every snake house has mold but to me it's a deathly health risk. Probably because I read all the propaganda in america. In England we don't have that at all. I'm overwhelmed with everything and don't want to renovate anymore but have no choice but to stay. Had some more nice feelings lady night and felt a bit of excitement. My feelings see to return more at night. Thanks for your replies x

[KarenB]

Oh Matisse, what a tough place.  I remember when the thought of choosing clothes in the morning was too hard and so I would stay in bed to avoid the anxiety.  What helped me was discussing with my husband and giving myself permission to not do anything - even get dressed.  The relief I felt at that acceptance and from sweeping away all the guilty feelings was immense.

 

The thing is, you probably need to be cocooned right now as the load on you is already at breaking point.  Getting dressed IS too much when there is already so much stress on your system.  So rest, snuggle in, cry, surround yourself with softness - like a baby who is not expected to do anything but receive care.  Then your brain will start to heal.  And when it is ready you will start to emerge from that need for utter safety.  You'll start to do small things again.   

 

Can your partner help you create a small cocoon in your house?  Maybe a bed or couch with cushions, blankets etc, a little table where you can keep your water/music etc?  Somewhere you can retreat to and feel held and okay. 

 

This phase won't last forever, but it's important to respond to it while it's here.  It's deep healing that you need right now. 

 

This is a cartoon that I love: 

 

[Matisse]

Hi Karen b and thanks for reply. I would live that but the biggest problem is I cannot be stress free in a house full of so much chaos. This is reality unfortunately. I have trouble even being in the house with the mess. I cannot watch dirt and clutter build up around me. I wish we had never bought this hell house. I so badly want to run away. Like all of us we are caged in like wild animals to our stress and pain. I'm a totally different person in withdrawal. I was the organiser and cleaner in the house and enjoyed it but now I don't get any satisfaction from anything or feel love anymore. I know it anhedonia and have researched it to the max. I am evil to my partner who just tries to comfort me. I'm starting to hate him for not wanting to sell. I remember before withdrawal I loved the house. It's such a mind duck.

They say I can't wallow that I need therapy and I need to exercise. They have no idea how exhausting it is just to breath.

I wish I could just hibernate.

[KarenB]

Wow, all those things you are describing are so much what I was like at the worst of my depression.  I also was the cleaner/organiser of our home too. 

 

'Exhausting just to breath' - yeah, I know that feeling. 

 

'I wish I could just hibernate' - I remember wishing that somebody would pack me off to an old-folks home, where I could just sit in a wheel-chair in the garden and have no expectations of me. 

 

I was kind of wondering if having one small space in your house as your retreat could at least give you a place to 'escape' to from the mess in the rest of the house. 

 

I seriously doubt you are wallowing.  Healing one's brain is a serious endeavour, requiring time, peace and care.  It is not the time to be getting on with it or 'bucking up' as some may put it.  Anyway, I know you have to deal with the family and situation you have - I just wanted to assure you that we know what you are going through, and it is real and understandable and much harder than anyone should have to bear. 

 

You aren't alone Matisse,

(((((((Hugs))))))))

Karen

[Matisse]

Unfortunately my studio has mold on the skirting boards and carpet edge. Everyone says it is fine but I cannot go in there anymore. I have all my artworks in there and it's distressing as I read you should destroy everything that is in a room with mold? I have nowhere to put anything and am terrified to contaminate house. I think this is my ocd.

I have no sanctuary at all. I am at breaking point constantly explaining to people why I can't do stuff. It's like they have forgotten the person I was and have chosen this. I Am getting another therapist as everyone insists I need to try. I have had 2 since this started and I've had 6 lots of cbt throughout and counciling before but this sort of iotrogenic damage (if that's how it's spelt) cannot be cured by therapists who have no understanding of this. I have to explain it to each therapist which is exhausting and tell them to research. I have had one that told me new meds will alleviate the symptoms and whole stupid notion of chemical inbalance and how diabetics need insulin......to me which was so laughable and infuriating. The incompetence of these so called professionals is appalling.

I'm angry at everyone and angry that I have to live here. I just want to move and am at breaking point everyday. My partner wants me to get help as he says it's all withdrawal (which is correct) but even so if this withdrawal lasts years I will suffer years of stress due to this house. I cannot move home with my parents as their house is worse and has mold everywhere and the house is a state plus there is no room due to my brothers.

Please pray I win the lottery so I can buy my own house. I used to work before withdrawal hit and I have no money of my own anymore. I even feel like running away and sleeping rough on the streets so I can get out and take my artwork with me. If I got a house through benefits I know it will be a lot worse than my own house. People love this house and all I see is mold and clutter and that every room needs renovating to my standards. I have no control of anything anymore. I have no say. I am obsolete.

[Matisse]

I sound like a right ungrateful girl. I have a partner and family that bend over backwards to support me and I can't deal with a bit if mess. I make out it's horrendous but it's probably more clean and tidy than most.

I am wild with emotions and ocd withdrawal. Had a good night on Valentine's and was out with my partner for my bros birthday. We were all playing games and laughing. I should be grateful for that. My partner treated me like a princess on Valentine's too x

[SquirrellyGirl]

That sounds like a lovely night out and I'm glad you were able to enjoy it!  Yes, you are lucky to have a supportive partner as many out here don't.  I have a wonderful husband who gets all of this as well.  Priceless!

 

SG

[Matisse]

Hi everyone. I'm suffering so badly with the anhedonia. It feels like I'm getting worse. It started about 4 months off and I'm now at around 8 months. I don't know how to adjust to life without having emotions. I barely move and just distract myself with TV and sleep. I have been forced on walks for the past 4 days and get angry with everyone. I have no motivation because I cannot feel any. I cannot feel to do anything. I had always lived my life through my emotions and it's torturous. I am slowly not crying anymore which scares me because i could feel that in a way. I don't have patience ice never been a patient person. I miss all emotions especially love, hope and laughter and seeing the beauty in everything. I'm an artist with no emotion. I feel dead already and my body is just existing. Everyone is so optimistic and they say to be positive but I cannot grasp or feel positive because it doesn't exist anymore in my emotions. I can feel logical I suppose. My legs and muscles are getting weaker and I've lost lots of weight. This us only one symptom but it is the worse one other than the severe ocd and intrusive stressful thoughts. I can only tell people I'm trying to survive....that's all I can do when I'm not able to do anything but sit or sleep.

[SquirrellyGirl]

Hi Matisse, 

 

I am so sorry you are suffering from the anhedonia still.  My first thought was that your brain seems stuck, and since neuroplasticity allows for healing,  what can be done to stimulate such change?  Meditation has been scientifically proven to change the brain, so have you been able to meditate?  I find guided meditations easiest to keep monkey brain at bay.

 

I am playing Sudoku again just to try to stimulate my brain with the goal of speeding up my time to solve puzzles.  My performance is pretty abysmal but I am gradually getting better.  Any games that you can play that involve strategy would be good.  Maybe folks can suggest some.

 

It is not easy to "think positively" when immersed in negativity. But "negativity" arises from stress circuits in the brain, and those circuits can be broken and new ones wired.  I have been doing such work through a program called EBT, Emotional Brain Training, available in the US.  Though circuits aren't broken instantly, I have found being attentive to when I have negative thoughts and noticing them very helpful.  It's about becoming conscious.  Eckart Tolle teachings have been extremely helpful in that as well.  Our thoughts cause our suffering, so if you are having negative thoughts, then you have a choice to have them. Being conscious of your thoughts takes practice, though.

 

I used to get so mad when people would say "try to be positive."  It isn't so easy as that!  With EBT, we identify unreasonable expectations, and then replace them with reasonable ones, but it must be in a form that the brain is willing to accept.  So, for instance, the unreasonable is "I"m supposed to think positively" but right now you can't so that isn't a reasonable expectation.  It would not be realistic to try to wire in "I can think positively" because your brain is likely screaming "NO, I can't!!"  What might be more reasonable for right now is to think "I will do the best I can to notice when I have negative thoughts." Or, you could say "It is not true that I can't be positive."  The brain might be more willing to consider that one :-)

 

Rewiring is done by repeating this "mantra," over and over every day, 20 times each day at least. You say it with emphasis on different words each time, spiraling up to saying it as if you are really happy about it.   I've heard that it takes three weeks for something to get wired in.  So, perhaps think about what your number one thought is that plagues you.  Let me know what it is, and I will help you come up with something to rewire that might be more acceptable to your brain, if you like.

 

It just strikes me that you are stuck, and so looking into ways to jostle your brain and get it rewiring would be really beneficial!  You could look at this as an experiment:  what can you do today to get the rewiring going?  Time to be more assertive about improving!  People with brain injuries go into rehab and therapists work them through activities that help them rewire their brains, so think of yourself like one of those patients, that each day you need to try to do one thing to get that brain going.  You will have to be your own therapist, so that's the rub.  Maybe do some web searches about remodeling exercises.  I think I will do the same when I have a few minutes.

 

I hope this helps!

SG

[Matisse]

I am really freaking out. I'm 9 months off and my personality has changed dramatically. I am obsessed with money and having a perfect house. I was and have never been like this it is seriously freaking me out. I also have no apathy and anhedonia for the past 5 months which leaves me cold and hostile towards everyone. I am obsessed to the point where I won't go in the new bathroom because of all the imperfections. I even think of stealing. I have sever anger outbursts and have smashed up some of my stuff and I scream. I am totally erased and I have few moments where I feel like me. This is severe brain damage caused by 13 years on this drug. I have no idea who I am. I was even thinking of making money in absurd ways. I stay in bed all day and my partner and mum get me to walk everyday and I get severely angry with them shouting in their faces. I am severely depressed and this whole experience is traumatising. Everyone remembers me being so caring and loving before and during being on paroxetine. I would never act this way ever and I'm scared. How can I change so completely opposite. I was never bothered about money now it's my obsession so I can get a new beautiful house. I get delirious thinking I deserve it and won't accept my home. This is scary

[Fresh]

Hi Matisse ,    try and remember that this part of the process of withdrawal.  You're not going to be like this permanently , it's

like a phase you're having you go through on your way back to your self.

 

The fact that you recognize your behaviours are unusual and inappropriate is evidence of the real you that's still in there.

 

If you have to punch something or scream , use a pillow rather than someone's face.   It will only make you feel guilty later if you treat the people who are fighting in there with you badly.  

When I was very sick , my mum "forced" me to walk around the complex where I live every day ... it took about 10 minutes and was extremely traumatic each time (for 5 months).  

I know how hard it is not be snappy and annoyed.  Try and suck it up , they love you and the walk is super-important for your bodily functions and organs.

Plus , you can take credit and have a sense of achievement , because you deserve it. 

[Matisse]

It's coming up to a year and mentally it is getting harder. I have had improvements physically and have not had a severe wave in 5 months and my eyes and ears have got massively better. I have severe depression now and am exhausted with dealing with this everyday. I don't trust anyone and have been planning to live on the streets and been out at stupid a clock in the morning wandering the streets wondering where I can live. I feel like such a massive burden and when I'm that severe nothing will snap me out of it. My skin is bad and I have really bad fatigue. Even though those are horrendous the worse by far is the complete anhedonia and personality change. I don't know who I am and I hate accepting this new person. I feel like an alien and I just want to scream at everyone how painful and confusing this experience is. How can this be getting harder to deal with and worse. The windows seem to be getting shorter and further apart.....what is that all about. I would rather have the physical stuff at the beginning 6 months because then I still felt like me and didn't have this severe depression and anhedonia. My partner is wearing thin as I'm horrendous to be around and won't get out of bed anymore. I have given up. I did have a window that lasted 5 days where I was 50% and I was doing things again and then it just went. I still had the anhedonia but the depression was gone and the anxiety and stress. I'm planning to move back with my parents as the stress of being in a house that needs full renovation is too stressful. I told my partner I can't deal with being in a house that has so much work needed and I stress everyday because it's visually hurting me. I am going to give sign the house over to him because I don't want anything to do with it anymore. I wish I had money so I could buy a place near the sea and just relax and heal. Life isn't easy though and I can't work and have no money at all. I am so traumatised and it's getting harder to stay positive and try anymore.

[SquirrellyGirl]

Hi Matisse, 

 

I'm sorry to hear that things are so bad.  I know this time in withdrawal is notoriously bad for many, but a window is just around the corner!  It is truly time to take one MINUTE at a time and try not to think about the future. I remember being in that place, where I couldn't stand it and was freaking about the future.  I had to say a mantra:  I can be present and take one minute at a time.

 

When we get in the black and white thinking that is alas another withdrawal symptom, it is really easy to project the horribleness into the future and feel panic at the idea it will always be this way, and to do so causes more suffering and secondary fear.  So, try reciting that mantra, very slowly, like you can envision the words being written on a chalkboard, over and over, and see what happens.  It could take 100 repetitions, but it should calm you.

 

Certainly stressors make this worse, and if being in the house is an ongoing trigger, then you have two choices.  One is to let go of the significance of it all:  accept that it is what it is.  The second is to remove yourself from the situation, such as you mentioned, going to your folks' to live.  

 

How is your partner in all of this?  Supportive, not?  I just read npanth's blog post the other day that described withdrawal so beautifully that I had my husband read it, even though he has been very supportive.  See, right now you are in an extreme state due to neuro-emotions and aren't your real self, but she's in there and this for sure is not permanent. It may help your partner to read this blog to get a little perspective.

 

https://npanth.wordpress.com/2012/03/14/phases-of-ssri-withdrawal/

 

So, do some deep breathing and recite that mantra.  And then post again :-)

 

SG

[Matisse]

Thanks squirrelly girl, my partner has been really supportive but he puts pressure on me without knowing. He huffs and gets annoyed if I can't or just forget to do things like clearing a plate. When I'm in a good place I clean and do the washing but when I'm in a bad way it feels impossible and when I hear him sigh or get annoyed at me it makes me feel more worthless than I already do. He doesn't know how to deal with me and gets frustrated when I don't get up which is understandable. He is suffering a lot and rings me throughout the day to get me to eat and do stuff. I am vile and it's like a switch in my head and I can't talk as I get so overwhelmed by my emotions and dis pair. I don't hug or kiss him anymore and before all this I was all over him and funny and silly kissing him all day now it's not there because of the anhedonia. I have no feelings to music or art and that's really hard to cope with. As everyone on here knows anhedonia is pure hell. I try and be present and I have said that mantra before. I just tell myself to survive each minute and distract from it all.

Thanks for replying xxx