success ☼ Matisse: 13 yrs paroxetine 8 months off withdrawal

[SquirrellyGirl]

I know that sigh of frustration and have been hypersensitive to it in the past, but doing better with that now.  Another good mantra is "I am not a bad person" because we tend to automatically take it all on ourselves and beat ourselves up, and you know what?  We're recovering from damaging drugs and it is a super-human feat to be functional when you are in such a wave!  You are NOT a bad person!  And you are worth hanging in there to get to the other side, because once this horrid ordeal is over with, you will get back to being a vibrant human being!  

 

One of the things I've been working on is developing my sanctuary inside.  A year ago I couldn't identify such a thing. Never in my life did I have it.   Inside was as hostile as outside!  But gradually, I was able to envision a warm light inside, a place of warmth and love where I am ok:  Sanctuary.  I would see myself as a happy child, bathing in that light, and I would envision wrapping her with a loving hug.  That is sanctuary.  From there, when you are hurting so much from withdrawal, envision giving that little girl that enveloping hug to soothe her, because if you had a child, isn't that what you'd do when she's hurting?

 

And you can do the same to your partner.  I've had the problem with anhedonia too,  but I muster the strength to give my husband a big hug and say I'm sorry for being so unavailable, I love you :-) 

 

SG

[Matisse]

I can't do this much longer. I'm a year off and I'm getting worse. I feel like a complete alien and even thought about changing my name because I don't feel like me anymore. I am going to go away as I i have disability now and can get a tent. I cannot wake up another day looking at my partner who I used to adore and feel nothing. I am also separating myself from my family because there is no point having family when I cannot feel love for them. The whole world is hell. I'm tired I cannot leave my house anymore and cannot even clean due to the stress. I will be getting rid of everything that was the old me because I don't exist anymore. I have large drawings and illustrations and I will be tearing them up because I don't exist anymore. Bye

[SquirrellyGirl]

Before you go, Matisse, I'd like for you to read this thread I read earlier today, particularly the responses from IHadPassion.  This might give you some perspective.

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/11825-new-here-help-while-husband-is-in-wd/

 

SG

[coldturkmama]

I'm 29 months off a cold turkey after taking paxil for 14 or 15 yr's.  I suffered greatly in the first 1-10 months and then slowly but surely windows opened up, hours and days  where I felt almost like my old self.  I am still following the windows and waves pattern, but things are a lot better.  Hold on and distract yourself as much as you can. 

[JanCarol]

Hey Matisse - 

 

I come from generations of critical women.  Each of us has a voice in our head which says "This isn't good enough!"  And the hardest part of all, is we are hardest on ourselves!

 

Sometimes I will hear my mother's voice when I snap at hubby - who is a kind man and is undeserving.  This self-critical, hyper-critical voice has improved with lessons in empathy.  I now can recognize it when I hear it, and think, "Mom!  Not now!"

 

I mention this to you because - for most of my adult life, I have been NOT A NICE PERSON.  I was snappy, hard and cruel.  Some of this may be the drugs, some of it may be mild Autism spectrum, some of it may be OCD - trying to control things that I felt powerless about, and some of it was just that I had to learn - and am still learning - so much about feelings, and other people.

 

I no longer have the anhedonia, but I still see feelings in others that I don't have myself.  I take a breath.  I look at their face.  Sometimes I have to say, "I don't understand."  

 

It's a long journey out of darkness, this withdrawal process - sometimes we've been in darkness for decades, and the process is not easy.  Sometimes we are cut off from all that we love so that we can realize what it is that we do love (but it may take months to realize it).

 

I respect your desire to simplify, to isolate, but it is concerning that you may be cutting yourself off from your best available support.  There is a huge benefit to simplifying your life as much as possible, but - this move doesn't seem simpler, somehow.   Do you have access to MIND programs in the UK?  Would that be too overwhelming?  

 

Here is what GIaK said in BeyondMeds:  http://beyondmeds.com/2012/09/11/isolating-or-alone-time/  At it's worst, her journey took her to living in a separate part of the house from her husband, staying in bed, dark rooms, quiet time, very little stimulation.  Her frayed nervous system just couldn't handle it.

 

I can't help but to think that your choice to move into the streets is rash, unsupported, and may be even more difficult on your nervous system, as you move camp, find food & showers, keep cool or warm, try to keep yourself safe - it sounds like even more stress than you are experiencing now.

 

Be kind and gentle to yourself.  Your brain is a helpless wild, baby animal right now - will it benefit from being thrown into survival mode?  Or would it benefit better from a supported nest?  Even if it is alone, to heal - can you at least find a supported way to do this?

 

Please be patient with your healing process, you have many people who care about you.

[Matisse]

The problem is this was never my personality before. I was the laid back one before and on meds. I never had a problem on paroxetine. I went off or swapped to Prozac so I could wean off to start a family. My personality is completely different and it's like I'm not me and it's terrifying. I have obsessive thoughts about money and running away. My partner cannot handle me anymore and gets in massive rages (this was never him before) he is also braking down mentally and to see that is devastating. His life is a risk and I don't have any control over my mind. He has been through too much. I cannot even tolerate my mum or anyone I am close to as they feel like strangers or more probably the remind me of the person I used to be. I cannot tolerate anyone or anything and it's got worse as the year has gone by. This is not me and I feel my brain taken over. My partner says he can't see me anymore and why should I put people through this. Plus the augments and rages are stressing me out and traumatising me more. I have just got dissability and have printed off forms to move my name from the house. This is severe and I can't see my partner slowly geting more mentally messed up. He is the kindest sweetest man and to see him being tortured because I cannot even hug him is insane. He is griping for the love of his life and so am I.

[Matisse]

I meant grieving. I read on here that this personality stays permenantly.

[Altostrata]

The withdrawal syndrome personality is definitely not permanent. You and your partner need to look at it as a condition that will very gradually go away.

 

If you are catastrophizing, you are driving both of you crazy. You need to get a handle on this because there is no need to destroy your good relationship with your partner and make yourself worse with the stress of that as well. You will need to have patience with yourself and your condition.

 

Focus on taking care of yourself physically and mentally, not giving in to self-destructive behaviors, including exaggerated self-pity.

[Matisse]

I am very aware that this is all withdrawal. Over the last 12 months I have cut out sugar, caffeine, alcohol and have tried so many things but when it hits all you can do is breath. My worse time is the morning because I wake up with instant suicidal ideation and I just want to not wake up. My stress levels have increased to the point I cannot do much because (even though I try). Like washing the dishes. I have to breath and not let the anger take over or I will smash a plate. I am so enraged and out of control and I know you all understand this. I am at a loss because everyone is trying to force me to do more therapy and to do go out when I am completely unable to and this overwhelms me more and my brain fries. Every weekend he wants me to go out and when I can't he gets so out of control angry. He even says he is scared he will hurt me. He tells me I'm ruining his life and I'm a robot. I try to explain I cannot control this. He hates to be around me due to my extreme moods and my cold temperament. I want to survive but the stress of trying and failing for him is horrendous and we both feel horrendous. He cannot keep up with all the household and makes remarks because he does most things. He forgets last week when I cleaned the kitchen and did the pots and actually made some meals. I cannot be surrounded by the mess and dirt so I feel if I had a small beds it I could keep that clean on my own and it would make me feel good about myself. I have a support worker and she is brilliant and when she is around I change and when she leaves I start doing a few things.

 

The house needs renovating and their are mold and cracks in some of the rooms. I cannot even fathom doing this now and the stress is overwhelming. I have tried but I start shaking and have severe.mind block. What else am I to do but leave. I love him but the house and all the dirt and cleaning that is piling up is stressing me out more than anything. I am signing the house over to him and going to try and find a bedsit or something. I cannot move back home as there is no room plus the way my parents keep the house with hoarding is too much. I cannot stand clutter and want to simplify everything but in a big house with every room needing renovation and constant upkeep how is this possible. He works 12-14 hours everyday and at the weekends he just wants to rest.

 

Before withdrawal I was the organiser and main cleaner in the house and I enjoyed it. I was organising everything now my mind goes to cement and I start shaking. I try but it's not good enough and Some days I don't try because I'm tired of this whole pile of crap.

I give up everyday but then I hope and try everyday. It's a vicious circle.

I want peace and calm to heal but he does not understand how this house is stopping me from moving...I feel paralysed with the thought of everything that needs doing that I don't do anything.

I wish I had money so I could get a small clean flat and live minimal.

[SquirrellyGirl]

Before withdrawal I was the organiser and main cleaner in the house and I enjoyed it. I was organising everything now my mind goes to cement and I start shaking. I try but it's not good enough and Some days I don't try because I'm tired of this whole pile of crap.

I give up everyday but then I hope and try everyday. It's a vicious circle.

I want peace and calm to heal but he does not understand how this house is stopping me from moving...I feel paralysed with the thought of everything that needs doing that I don't do anything.

I wish I had money so I could get a small clean flat and live minimal.

 

Matisse, I know how you are feeling.  Even while on meds, before trying to come off, I became a person who felt completely overwhelmed by the clutter of life such that I couldn't function, a learned helplessness, if you will.  I was much more so that way in withdrawal, and I am still that way as I taper (having reinstated).  I would say the biggest difference between now and then is that I learned to stop judging myself.  I was never stellar at house-keeping, but I became much worse while on the drugs and now I give myself a pass, that I am not functioning as a normal un-drugged human being, yet and I have to forgive myself that.

 

I sense that you are still full of judgement, comparing the altered self that you are now with the once optimal self, and it is the judging of this altered self that is causing much of your distress.  Comparing, whether between ourselves and others or between our current self and our former, "better" self, is never good.

 

Comparing is why I have quit hanging around on Facebook so much.  It just isn't good for me!  I hazard a guess that your partner is much less judgmental about you then you are about you.

 

Please try to forgive your current self for not being perfect, for not being the former you, for not feeling whatever right now.  You are in a process of recovery during which it is just unfair to be harsh on yourself.  Your job right now is not the house etc, but to recover, to heal.

 

I have lacked motivation for what seems like ages, and struggle with getting the day to day done.  My house is a wreck.  But I am getting glimpses now and again of inspiration and motivation.  Those don't hang around long - a thought/idea comes, I get inspired, and then poof, it's gone, but at least those moments are starting to pop up when for so long they never did, so I know more is coming. 

 

It will happen for you, too.  Just try to give yourself a pass for now.  It's ok, really!

 

SG

[Altostrata]

Matisse's success story is

Very happy to hear you're doing better!

 

I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol ☼ to the title of your Intro topic, to show you're recovering.

 

Now, as our tradition, I will lock this topic. Please add your congratulations to Matisse's success story.