LostInMarshes: in pain

[LostInMarshes]

2 hours ago, RichT said:

 

Hi Stormstrong, so sorry to hear of your loneliness. That’s a familiar place for me too. I know the coldness and emptiness of it.

 

Here seems to be a good place to share how you’re feeling. I bet a lot of people here know what you’re going through.

 

I Don’t know of any pills or herbs that reduce loneliness. People are researching this though, so maybe in the future!.

 

sending you warm wishes 

 

R

 

 

Hi RichT.....

This made me feel better

then I gave myself a hug in bed... and downloaded a meow decoder app that plays loud meowing sounds and translates what you say in English into Catspeak just to laugh my head off. Sometimes when I'm stuck in a corner of absolutely morose loneliness and there's no way out, my brain decides to make itself drunk with total goofiness. Because there's nothing else. I appreciate that about my brain

 

Sending warm wishes back to you, R.

[LostInMarshes]

The loneliness, lack of touch is making it hard to function and do chores... Managed to feed myself something simple but not interesting... Took a very hot shower at 6pm, to feel "something"... Now depressed, in bed... I put all the bedding into a laundry bag, overdue for washing at laundromat across the street... But will likely sleep on makeshift bedding tonight... too much heaviness inside to enable me to move... On days like this, I search for news about the impending collapse of the world. "Is it here yet?" because I want it to come soon... Too much suffering, too much insanity

[LostInMarshes]

A few examples of how the psychotropic neurotoxin is affecting my life:

• social apathy - there is little drive to invest in social connections. interacting expends great energy. I might interact initially, then pull back and "drop off the face of the earth". on support forums I feel that I mainly "take" and rarely "give".  
• organizational chaos - my room is chaos. my roommate's room is organized, by comparison. There is a large laundry bag full of clothes I need to wash by hand, that I've had in the same corner, yet untouched, for over a year or two. I've had the same papers on my desk for close to a year. I took out three large, heavy drawers of stuff to go through and organize, and put them on the floor. they've been in the same position for months now. my closet is a similar mess. I'm amazed that I still find clothes to wear every day. When I try to get to it and finally go through all this stuff, terror grips me and I freeze. Helps when I have a friend around, which never happens, or when I have my PMDD and can do rage-cleaning, but I'm taking supplements for that now and the desire to rage-clean is gone.
• eating problems - Food goes bad: my shelves in the refrigerator (roommate has one shelf, I have two) are in chaos mode, too. there is always food going to waste, going bad, that is left there for a long time. I buy it, initially excited to use it in a dish, then lose the desire to, or forget about it. it's probably a horrible sin that some of the ingredients I buy using food stamps, end up in the trash bin. Over 2 weeks ago I made filling for apple turnovers. I bought the wrong kind of pastry, so saved the filling for later. I found the correct pastry, which is not cheap, and it's been in the freezer all this time, including the filling, which will be going bad any day now. Going to bed hungry: I have basic pantry stuff with which I could make something for myself, and also basic rice and beans in the fridge, but I don't feel like cooking, and have no appetite for that which I have cooked, so I go to bed starving. Spending money I don't have on food delivery: sometimes I have zero appetite to eat anything I have already cooked or can cook, and the only thing that might make me salivate is something that someone else has already prepared. It's a habit that's not as bad as it used to be... I used to do this more in the past, and have improved, but still....

[herod]

Hi Stormstrong, are you able to exercise?

 

Quote

Spending money I don't have on food delivery: sometimes I have zero appetite to eat anything I have already cooked or can cook, and the only thing that might make me salivate is something that someone else has already prepared. It's a habit that's not as bad as it used to be... I used to do this more in the past, and have improved, but still....

I relate to this so much LOL

[LostInMarshes]

On 5/5/2019 at 1:39 PM, herod said:

Hi Stormstrong, are you able to exercise?

 

I relate to this so much LOL

 

Hi Herod. Yes, I'm able to, why?

[LostInMarshes]

Update: I'm doing swell. Holding my dose for two months. Doing well in internship, too and being punctual and showing up every day

[herod]

Good on you for showing up to your internship!

I just asked because I feel a bit better after a short walk. But you've probably tried that already.

[LostInMarshes]

On 5/19/2019 at 9:57 PM, herod said:

Good on you for showing up to your internship!

I just asked because I feel a bit better after a short walk. But you've probably tried that already.

Sorry, I didn't see this, herod. i feel better after walks, too. the universe provided me with a place of residence in the middle of many beautiful parks, and by water. only thing missing is Icelandic sheep out of the window. You're lucky.  

 

Taper is going well, but I asked my roommate to give me one of her Clonazepams for situational anxiety two evenings ago. She has given me one or two before, and I had no problems. Yesterday morning after taking the clonazepam in the evening, I developed excruciating migraine, vomited twice.... Was better last night... Today I still have nausea, didn't sleep well, and head feels a bit "off". I won't do that again. I should not be putting any additional psychotropic neurotoxins into my system while it's cleansing and attempting to repair itself. Wish someone could hold me :,(

 

Herod, how are ya?

[herod]

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience with clonazepam. Migraine and vomiting are the worst. It's a good idea to limit psychiatric drugs, to try to give the mind a little break.

 

I'm doing okay, my brain is recovering bit by bit from this terrible poison. I used to fall asleep at noon and twitch about helplessly, at least that is no longer the case. My cognitive performance is still pretty poor, though. Memory, reading comprehension, etc. is still muddy.

 

Take good care of yourself Stormstrong, don't push too hard. Sending virtual hugs 😊

[savinggrace]

Herod,

would you mind sharing which probiotic or what strains of bacteria you are taking?  I have failed on many.  They de-stabilize my nervous system but my gut really needs them.  I know it can be a train and error thing but sometimes it is overwhelmingly bad.

 

I almost "updosed" or took a rescue dose of valium last week.  I thought I just couldn't make it through an unexplainable downturn...but I did...and i am very glad I did not give into that impulse, which I had never had, or given into before, despite being hideously sick.  I just know that a little updose or rescue dose can escalate so quickly...

 

Grace

[savinggrace]

Herod and Stormstrong,

 

Oops...what I wrote to Herod (about probiotics) was meant for Stormstrong.  Sorry for the confusion.

 

Grace

[LostInMarshes]

On 7/27/2019 at 3:03 PM, herod said:

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience with clonazepam. Migraine and vomiting are the worst. It's a good idea to limit psychiatric drugs, to try to give the mind a little break.

 

I'm doing okay, my brain is recovering bit by bit from this terrible poison. I used to fall asleep at noon and twitch about helplessly, at least that is no longer the case. My cognitive performance is still pretty poor, though. Memory, reading comprehension, etc. is still muddy.

 

Take good care of yourself Stormstrong, don't push too hard. Sending virtual hugs 😊

 

herod,

the virtual hugs made a difference.

sending the same back.

heart aches for you. relating to the cognitive performance bit, but as I've not yet totally withdrawn, it's hard to tell how bad it may get.

do any supplements help you? magnesium, etc?

 

On 7/28/2019 at 2:25 PM, savinggrace said:

Herod,

would you mind sharing which probiotic or what strains of bacteria you are taking?  I have failed on many.  They de-stabilize my nervous system but my gut really needs them.  I know it can be a train and error thing but sometimes it is overwhelmingly bad.

 

I almost "updosed" or took a rescue dose of valium last week.  I thought I just couldn't make it through an unexplainable downturn...but I did...and i am very glad I did not give into that impulse, which I had never had, or given into before, despite being hideously sick.  I just know that a little updose or rescue dose can escalate so quickly...

 

Grace

 

hi Grace.

What strains am I taking? let me check...

it's a strain I get on Amazon, because it's the only one I can afford...

it's called "Nature's Balance" Probiotic. I uploaded an image with supplement facts. Hope it ends up in my reply and that you can see it.

Thank you also for sharing about the rescue dose and how dangerous it can be to give in. I think next time I'll just go for a nice walk. but I understand that not everyone withdrawing or in withdrawal can enjoy that luxury :,(

 

[LostInMarshes]

I'm shaving more of the Zoloft off, since two days ago. The jewelry weight scale is not working properly, so can only guess as to the actual dosage. Maybe now down to 75ish milligrams. I thought that it takes a week and a half for me to start to "feel it"? It's day two and I can already feel that uncomfortable buzzing in my bones at night, that makes it a challenge to sleep in one "sitting" without sleep aid. Why, and how?? Speaking of bones, that study done recently about dental implants failing in people that have taken, or are taking antidepressants.... Is scary.

 

One of the pleasures I take comfort in are wax melts and their scents... anyone use them? Lavender&Lemongrass (together) is immensely soothing. I use Etsy for buying handmade ones.

[LostInMarshes]

am hit with terrible anxiety today. I had a fear today that my nice roommate was looking for a new place to live; an unfounded fear. this destabilized my nervous system. new potential roommate searches trigger my ptsd very fast. I'm in bed now, nothing can calm me down. I need to imagine that I'm not an anonymous person online. that nothing bad will happen to me. that i'm surrounded by love and care, and all my needs taken care of. and unlimited human touch. and someone cooking for me. and that there is radiant warmth and peace inside of me. 

maybe I need to shave down 8 times instead of 15, this month.

 

I have two new job prospects- a very big deal since i've been unemployed for 3 1/2 years. I need to proceed with both of them, but am hit with unrelenting terror and fear the moment i think of the next steps. 

 

constant loneliness and feeling scared and terrified of I don't know what - my companions, nearly 24/7

[LostInMarshes]

trying to see if chamomile tea, lavender essential oil and some nice porn will help. doesn't seem to be working yet. the terror is like every single hurt, betrayal, trauma, and disappointment embedded into knots in my bones. something I can't reason with. only distract from. Oh yeah, and though sex is soothing, but is also another source of anxiety, I am celibate again for a long time. my nervous system is done for, and it's especially evident when it comes to potential romantic entanglements. or anything where it could get complicated like that. I start to worry over the smallest thing and it consumes me. very sadly, though I'm in my "prime", this will have to wait for a few years more. ****!!

[LostInMarshes]

starting to feel better

[AlexRussia]

4 hours ago, Stormstrong said:

starting to feel better

Glad to hear it. Have you tried keto diet to help with anxiety? Avoiding carbs and sugar  helped me a lot. I couldn ot completely stopped eating carbs but lowering amount of it really helped.

[LostInMarshes]

15 hours ago, AlexRussia said:

Glad to hear it. Have you tried keto diet to help with anxiety? Avoiding carbs and sugar  helped me a lot. I couldn ot completely stopped eating carbs but lowering amount of it really helped.

 

Hey Alex. Thanks for peeking in here. No, haven't tried it yet. Need to go to a doctor for digestive issues first, because unless I load up on carbs, I'm hungry and lightheaded. But gluten is bad for me. I hope you don't have digestive issues on top of your insomnia.

[LostInMarshes]

My voc rehab instructor reached out to me to see if I proceeded with the dream job I want, and she guessed that I had self-doubts, which are all unfounded. I wrote to her about my fear, and she replied that I should believe in myself and that everything will be ok. Feeling like a weak idiot and embarrassed that I have to rely on her holding my hand all the time. All the VR people believe that I have big confidence issues. I don't know if paralyzing fear = lack of confidence. I don't think they understand.

 

The fear goes away only when I'm engaged in work, so that is all I have to go by

[AlexRussia]

8 hours ago, Stormstrong said:

 

Hey Alex. Thanks for peeking in here. No, haven't tried it yet. Need to go to a doctor for digestive issues first, because unless I load up on carbs, I'm hungry and lightheaded. But gluten is bad for me. I hope you don't have digestive issues on top of your insomnia.

I had huge digestive issues when I eat sugar, bread, milk, to much fruits or vegetables.  I think carbs is the reason of your digestive issues.  Before you go to doctor  do gut microflora test.  

[LostInMarshes]

On 8/12/2019 at 9:14 PM, AlexRussia said:

I had huge digestive issues when I eat sugar, bread, milk, to much fruits or vegetables.  I think carbs is the reason of your digestive issues.  Before you go to doctor  do gut microflora test.  

How do you do such a test?

I'm pretty sure my culprit is IBS

[LostInMarshes]

I've fallen into a funk, now that I'm without routine. My 4 days per week internship is over, as well as my vocational rehabilitation classes (I should celebrate that?). I was doing so incredibly well. I'm sure that I'm one of my beloved pet care instructor's favorite students, and she believes so much in be. I just feel like I'm back at square one. I must be one of very few students that are still unemployed following the program. The ******* anxiety is holding me back so much. I'm pretty sure that it's Zoloft. Or that Zoloft has embedded all of my workplace traumas in me. ****!

 

I'm back to staying at home, barely speaking to anyone, barely going out, and video gaming to get all of those things that I'm missing. Video gaming has been my crutch since age 13. It's like an ancient language my body speaks, when something is very much out of balance in my life, that I'm helpless in the shadow of.

 

My instructor gave me a potential place of employment where I'm sure I will be hired, 3-4 weeks ago. They've got open house interviews every day of the week. I've been holding back. I need a job desperately. My financial supporter (family member/abused me) keeps hounding me about getting a job.

 

My therapist has been out of town for 2 weeks, and talking to her would help. But I'm wary of some things. Here's a dialogue to illustrate why:

T: "Trauma can embed anxiety in us."

Me: "So can being overmedicated..."

T: *blank stare*

---

Time to replace my avatar. Why all the dull blues? I want juicy COLOR and LIFE

[AlexRussia]

12 hours ago, Stormstrong said:

How do you do such a test?

I'm pretty sure my culprit is IBS

I think in US it will be CDSA test. IBS its bullsh*t in my opinion, doctors usually diagnose ibs when they don't know what is going on. I was diagnosed IBS my whole life, my ibs stopped when I started to eat healthy.   Sugar helps bad gut bacterias to grow. You take probiotics, but its said that u should not take probiotics with sugar.   Try to cut 50% of sugar and carbs your take and see if it helps you. If not, then probably your IBS is the result of stress and withdrawal.

[LostInMarshes]

On 8/16/2019 at 11:56 PM, AlexRussia said:

I think in US it will be CDSA test. IBS its bullsh*t in my opinion, doctors usually diagnose ibs when they don't know what is going on. I was diagnosed IBS my whole life, my ibs stopped when I started to eat healthy.   Sugar helps bad gut bacterias to grow. You take probiotics, but its said that u should not take probiotics with sugar.   Try to cut 50% of sugar and carbs your take and see if it helps you. If not, then probably your IBS is the result of stress and withdrawal.

Hi. I've had IBS since age 16 due to enormous stress. But have not been officially diagnosed yet. What you wrote is a good reminder, however.

[LostInMarshes]

I'm currently in hibernation mode. It comes around every few years. Started at age 18. I think it's a psychosomatic coping of my nervous, emotional, and mental systems. They all shut down because I can't get away from a toxic situation or can't get the Reset I desperately need. Every single thing makes me feel ill, saps my energy. Painful knot in my solar plexus. Not myself at all. Music doesn't sound or feel right. Nothing feels right. Need to stay close to the bed, because only way I can get away is through sleep.

I haven't had a vacation to get away from this soul-sucking city, since December. I've been working hard the past few months. Harder than I have in years. I'm guessing that's why my system is doing this. Thankfully, I can get away in first week of next month, to see a family member. They can be toxic, but at least I feel rejuvenated in their presence. In a nice, green, suburban area. Plenty of nature. Only thing is I have to put my job training on pause. I hope they will be ok with that. Even typing this is sapping energy

 

Has anyone else here ever had this?

[LostInMarshes]

This empty space just reminds me how lonely I am and how few friends I have. Others on Facebook have hundreds of people in their contacts... People that continuously show their support. When I post a status update, no one responds. No one cares about my thoughts. The internet is a painful reminder that I'm just a number

[ChessieCat]

We encourage members to visit other members' intro topics and support and encourage each other.  From your posting history since you joined SA at the beginning of 2016, so 3.5 years, I can see only 2 posts you have made in 1 other member's topic.

 

If you start visiting other members and encourage them they might be more inclined to support and encourage you.

 

 

[LostInMarshes]

14 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

We encourage members to visit other members' intro topics and support and encourage each other.  From your posting history since you joined SA at the beginning of 2016, so 3.5 years, I can see only 2 posts you have made in 1 other member's topic.

 

If you start visiting other members and encourage them they might be more inclined to support and encourage you.

 

 

 

yes, that makes sense.... I have this problem on all other forums.... It's not that I don't "care". There's a block inside of me that feels like I'm expending energy I don't have, when it comes to supporting and encouraging others. Enormous block. Ties into my problem with socializing, in general.

[LostInMarshes]

Right kidney has been spasming every 30 seconds for nearly the past 24 hours. Left kidney, every ten minutes. Going to doctor tomorrow. I wonder if the gadolinium used in my first-ever MRI taken this spring, made it worse for my kidneys. But I've been having chronic UTIs for no good reason several times a month, so maybe that's what has affected the kidneys.

[LostInMarshes]

Topic title:  Any good nootropics to improve cognitive function?

 

Anything that I could buy from Amazon? And anything that won't interact with something?

 

Edited August 31, 2019 by ChessieCat
added topic title

[chrona]

noopept is what I like.  it's not addictive either.  I can use it when I need to be productive. 

[LostInMarshes]

I'm jealous of how well others on here connect and keep connected. Wonder if there is anyone else here that has trouble with that. I feel like one has social value only if they can be social, in the first place. 

 

Guess I'll use this space to talk into the void. Maybe it will help someone, who knows. 

 

Spring was promising but I haven't been myself since July. That month is annual anniversary of my major trauma. Makes tapering tricky. I feel I don't exist. In a dark internal landscape. Everyone else feels distant, too. Can't believe summer is gone, again, and I haven't truly enjoyed its delights. 

[LostInMarshes]

18 minutes ago, chrona said:

noopept is what I like.  it's not addictive either.  I can use it when I need to be productive. 

Thanks chrona. I'll check it out

[ChessieCat]

The only supplements which SA recommends are Magnesium and Omega-3 Fish Oil.

 

There are many existing topics on this site.  SA likes to keep similar information in one topic so that discussion about a subject can be found more easily.  Before creating a new topic please either do a site search or use a search engine and add survivingantidepressants.org to the search term:

 

nootropics-for-withdrawal

 

supplements-what-helps-what-doesnt

[Altostrata]

Stormstrong, one way to make friends here is to visit other Intro topics and converse with other members.

[LostInMarshes]

On 9/2/2019 at 3:46 AM, Altostrata said:

Stormstrong, one way to make friends here is to visit other Intro topics and converse with other members.

 

I've got a "block" when it comes to conversing. I'll converse for a little, then drop off the face of the earth, then restart. Hope it will disappear as I taper...

 

for now it's just me and the void