LostInMarshes: in pain

[ChessieCat]

3 hours ago, Stormstrong said:

their ability to converse at ease; their tight-knit families, their circles of friends...

 

They might be having, or look like they are having, a nice friendly time when you see them but looks can be deceiving.  I assume you weren't able to hear their conversation so you don't know what they were saying and how they were saying it.  And in private, out of public view, they might be at each other like cats and dogs.

 

A few years ago I had a mentor who was supporting me in getting a job.  She was high up in a company (ironically a pharmaceutical company - but I had to bite my tongue) and came across as being very in control and self-assured.  When I got to know her she confided in me that she wasn't as in control and self-assured as she looked.  Another example, at a work seminar for people looking for work, the speaker, who came across as very confident, told us that even though she does a lot of public speaking, she dreads it and is always anxious whilst presenting.

 

And as I've got older and talked to a lot of different people, I have realised that many people suffer from loneliness, even in the midst a "happy event" of some kind.

[LostInMarshes]

Just wanted to say that there's a pattern to tapering down:

 

1. Taper down,

2. Kicks in a week and a half later,

3. Depression,

4. Soul-crushing fatigue and need to sleep,

5. ?

 

--- 

@ChessieCat thank you for that. Not sure that it makes me feel better, but I thank you

[LostInMarshes]

I think that the 1st or 2nd week that Sertraline further leaves my brain and body, I experience chronic fatigue. Suddenly I can barely stand or hold up a cup in my hand, all I can think of is sleep. Slept 12-14 hours last night, and need more right now. I wonder how common this is.

[Hanna72]

@Stormstrong

1 hour ago, Stormstrong said:

Slept 12-14 hours last night, and need more right now. I wonder how common this is.

Yes that’s common. I went through period like that. I would embrace it, it’s good that you can sleep so well Also the fatigue is very common. 
What this journey has taught me is listening to my body. It’s like we get more connected with it, and it’s a good sign.

All the best to you🙏

[LostInMarshes]

On 9/6/2020 at 12:16 PM, Hanna72 said:

@Stormstrong

Yes that’s common. I went through period like that. I would embrace it, it’s good that you can sleep so well Also the fatigue is very common. 
What this journey has taught me is listening to my body. It’s like we get more connected with it, and it’s a good sign.

All the best to you🙏

 

Hanna, thank you! I've followed your "blog". It's good to see you back and sounding healthy. What you write is sooo soothing

[LostInMarshes]

I've called out from work this calendar year, more than anyone else. I'm actually out of sick hours (40 max). It's a close knit work environment with hazy protocols. If you call out, everything can topple like a deck of cards.... which often ends up looking like enormous stress and burnout to someone that's now responsible for your tasks.

 

I'm already the subject of a lot of gossip, which is harrowing to me, as usual. Not only do I call out like once every 1-2 months, at last minute usually, but I'm 20 years older than them and don't quite fit in, and have cognitive issues so I'm still earning minimum wage and am usually mentioned last. All of it ******* kills me, but I love this work.

 

Today I called out at 4:30am by posting a single message on Slack (our primary means of communication), in midst of vomiting into my trashcan due to a migraine. No one got my message until too late. I should have actually texted someone on the same shift, is what would have been better. I wasn't thinking straight. A co-worker I admire heaps ended up doing my job and a million other things (it's an animal clinic), sent out an SOS (someone ended up coming in for me), and sent me an irate text message.

 

I sent another message on Slack to everyone, an apology, and that I "blame no one but myself", in my characteristically self-beating up style. What the **** is wrong with me

 

I wonder if I should just go on permanent disability

[LostInMarshes]

One day I will read the post above, and marvel at how unkind has been the mode with which I treated myself... 🦂

[Hanna72]

Hi @Stormstrong

Thank you for your kind words, much appreciated.

I am sorry to hear about your work. 
Do you work full time?  

Are you sick because of withdrawals? 
 

8 hours ago, Stormstrong said:

wonder if I should just go on permanent disability

If you are struggling, is there a possibility that you might work less hours. 
Speaking from my own experience, working has helped me in my withdrawals. It’s very hard sometimes, some days are easier then others, but I always feel better as time goes on during working hours. It has distracted me from my own thoughts.
You love your work, that’s such a blessing on top of the struggles right!
Please be kind to yourself, don’t beat yourself up. There is always another day just around the corner. 
You have a choice in life, choose to be your own best friend. 

All the best to you🙏
 

[LostInMarshes]

Yesterday at work was hard. I felt like crying several times. When I'm back at work after a weekend, it's jarring how horrible my brain fog is. I'm so disappointed in myself. It's utterly humiliating and embarrassing. I've been at the job now for a full year, and in brain fog mode I ask colleagues to remind me what to do, or to perform a task I don't remember how to. They like me and feel a tad sorry for me, so they just go along. :,( :,( :,( THE SHAME CUTS DEEP.

I told my vocational rehabilitation instructor that I'm on good terms with and in touch with, to expect a video from me with questions. When I was in her class a year and a half ago, we didn't know about my brain fog and cognitive problems. I wonder what she will say.

 

On 9/12/2020 at 8:31 PM, Hanna72 said:

Hi @Stormstrong

Thank you for your kind words, much appreciated.

I am sorry to hear about your work. 
Do you work full time?  

Are you sick because of withdrawals? 
 

If you are struggling, is there a possibility that you might work less hours. 
Speaking from my own experience, working has helped me in my withdrawals. It’s very hard sometimes, some days are easier then others, but I always feel better as time goes on during working hours. It has distracted me from my own thoughts.
You love your work, that’s such a blessing on top of the struggles right!
Please be kind to yourself, don’t beat yourself up. There is always another day just around the corner. 
You have a choice in life, choose to be your own best friend. 

All the best to you🙏
 

 

Hi dear @Hanna72. I haven't checked your blog lately, I'm sorry. Will do on weekend. Yes, I work full-time. I'm not struggling too much, just that my brain fog is nearly traumatic for me. I feel like I shouldn't work less hours, otherwise I become dependent on my father again (my abuser). I was calling out mainly due to migraines, but I've got medication for them now, so hopefully no more.

 

Work is definitely doing wonders for so many aspects of my life, including social.

 

I don't know how not to feel disappointed and embarrassed about my brain fog, Hanna72.

[LostInMarshes]

Yesterday at work was hard. I felt like crying several times. When I'm back at work after a weekend, it's jarring how horrible my brain fog is. I'm so disappointed in myself. It's utterly humiliating and embarrassing. I've been at the job now for a full year, and in brain fog mode I ask colleagues to remind me what to do, or to perform a task I don't remember how to. They like me and feel a tad sorry for me, so they just go along. :,( :,( :,( THE SHAME CUTS DEEP.

I told my vocational rehabilitation instructor that I'm on good terms with and in touch with, to expect a video from me with questions. When I was in her class a year and a half ago, we didn't know about my brain fog and cognitive problems. I wonder what she will say.

 

On 9/12/2020 at 8:31 PM, Hanna72 said:

Hi @Stormstrong

Thank you for your kind words, much appreciated.

I am sorry to hear about your work. 
Do you work full time?  

Are you sick because of withdrawals? 
 

If you are struggling, is there a possibility that you might work less hours. 
Speaking from my own experience, working has helped me in my withdrawals. It’s very hard sometimes, some days are easier then others, but I always feel better as time goes on during working hours. It has distracted me from my own thoughts.
You love your work, that’s such a blessing on top of the struggles right!
Please be kind to yourself, don’t beat yourself up. There is always another day just around the corner. 
You have a choice in life, choose to be your own best friend. 

All the best to you🙏
 

 

Hi dear @Hanna72. I haven't checked your blog lately, I'm sorry. Will do on weekend. Yes, I work full-time. I'm not struggling too much, just that my brain fog is nearly traumatic for me. I feel like I shouldn't work less hours, otherwise I become dependent on my father again (my abuser). I was calling out mainly due to migraines, but I've got medication for them now, so hopefully no more.

 

Work is definitely doing wonders for so many aspects of my life, including social.

 

I don't know how not to feel disappointed and embarrassed about my brain fog, Hanna72.

[LostInMarshes]

Today wasn't any better. I wanted to cry a lot of the time and the pain behind my eyes could not hide.

 

Someone dropped something, which made a loud noise, and I screamed. This was not the first time. The first time, a volunteer gave me a weird look. This time, a co-worker asked me, "Why did you scream when that thing fell?" I'm positive that it's a neuro reaction to withdrawal and my synapses going haywire. But no way in hell can I divulge that. I just said that the stillness of the evening was broken by that noise, and the noise startled me. Not sure that he bought it.

 

I kept subconsciously comparing myself, the way my mother outspokenly compared me to other girls since toddlerhood, because she wasn't happy with me; to a new staff member that does everything tons better than I do. Including speaking to others. I want to cry pretty much all the time. Actually, I want to scream.

 

i want to cry but I can't. nothing comes. I want to scream, but I can't.

 

My emotional landscape is so shredded, so distorted, that the slightest thing can send me into neurotic suffering, agony, devastation. 40 years of abuses, trauma, on a highly sensitive heart. Especially five years' of being yelled and put down by a significant other. This psyche is shredded in a way I did not know was possible.

[Hanna72]

Dear @Stormstrong

I am so sorry to hear about your struggles. Brain fog is very frustrating to have and it can also have an impact on our emotions.

My heart breaks for you reading about what you have gone through in life and I am so very sorry you had to experience that.

As we get older we have a choice to turn our thinking around. What others have said to you in the past has got nothing to do with how you can see yourself or about the person you are .Don’t let the past have a hold on you. Focus on only today cause that’s what matters. Don’t listen to negative people and try to avoid self negative criticism. It’s very important to have a positive inner self talk. It takes practice and time, but you can start out by saying every day, I am proud of the person I am, and I will stick by myself no matter what.

 

I found this lovely saying for you;

 

”What sets you apart can sometimes feel like a burden

and it’s not.

 And a lot of the time, it’s what makes you great “

You are strong, it’s just so obvious to me, because you have survived all the trauma, and still you keep on going. That says it all.

 

Take good care of yourself my friend 💖

 

[LostInMarshes]

On 10/2/2020 at 12:27 PM, Hanna72 said:

Dear @Stormstrong

I am so sorry to hear about your struggles. Brain fog is very frustrating to have and it can also have an impact on our emotions.

My heart breaks for you reading about what you have gone through in life and I am so very sorry you had to experience that.

As we get older we have a choice to turn our thinking around. What others have said to you in the past has got nothing to do with how you can see yourself or about the person you are .Don’t let the past have a hold on you. Focus on only today cause that’s what matters. Don’t listen to negative people and try to avoid self negative criticism. It’s very important to have a positive inner self talk. It takes practice and time, but you can start out by saying every day, I am proud of the person I am, and I will stick by myself no matter what.

 

I found this lovely saying for you;

 

”What sets you apart can sometimes feel like a burden

and it’s not.

 And a lot of the time, it’s what makes you great “

You are strong, it’s just so obvious to me, because you have survived all the trauma, and still you keep on going. That says it all.

 

Take good care of yourself my friend 💖

 

 

Dear Hanna, I read your thread just now and saw that you're having a dark time and taking a break from the forum here. Your words echo in my soul and I come back to read them. I wish I was at the same place as you, where I could constantly offer support to others. I feel like I'm not a good person or a person who is cherished, because I can't do it yet.

 

I hope you are safe and warm, and have soothing people and things around you. To get you through

 

[LostInMarshes]

It's been 3 months since my last update. I've been experiencing a returning sickness that disappears as fast as it comes, and it's puzzling. I think I've experienced it twice or thrice already. About once every 3-4 months. I was positive that it was Covid-19, though I took the rapid test all three times and each time it was negative. This time I took a regular PCR test and will see what it says, but I'm having a sinking feeling that I'm experiencing withdrawal I haven't experienced before. My work is concerned and wants me to get tested for Covid-19 each time. Thankfully, I can get reimbursed for the time I'm waiting for the results at home, but there's a financial ceiling to that. (I can't hide this from work, because we get our temperature taken upon entry to the site. If it's above 99 degrees Fahrenheit, I won't be allowed to work that day. ! )

 

This time, like previous times, I started to get chills. Then sickness zaps in my body (not brain zaps), the kind you get when you move when you've got a cold or flu. Then I woke up with a fatigue so permeating and crushing, it felt like I was dying. Moderate body aches. Insane thirst. Low-grade fever. Even a minor sore throat.

The next day I spent another day in bed due to the fatigue.

Today it abated, and I'm sure it will disappear in the next couple of days.

 

So this is about the 3rd time this exact sequence has happened. Is this likely the withdrawal??

 

[LostInMarshes]

...Anyone? 

[Altostrata]

Hello, Stormstrong. Does this symptom pattern follow an event, such as drinking alcohol, staying up late, or eating particular foods?

[LostInMarshes]

On 1/20/2021 at 8:19 PM, Altostrata said:

Hello, Stormstrong. Does this symptom pattern follow an event, such as drinking alcohol, staying up late, or eating particular foods?

 

Hi Altostrata. Not at all. It just shows up randomly every 4 months, or so.

[Altostrata]

Where are you in your Zoloft taper? Please update your signature.

[LostInMarshes]

5 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Where are you in your Zoloft taper? Please update your signature.

 

I'm convinced that I'm still around 80 or 70mgs. I'm just tapering so slowly. I have a weight scale but can't figure it out because I can't function well. I'm at least 15mg away from the middle of the pill, which is 50mg.

[Altostrata]

Occasional irregularity in your dosing might cause this occasional symptoms.

[LostInMarshes]

On 1/22/2021 at 10:01 PM, Altostrata said:

Occasional irregularity in your dosing might cause this occasional symptoms.

 

I'm positive that you're correct. I'll find a more stable system of tapering down. Thank you Altostrata.

[LostInMarshes]

Wanted to share something amazing I've discovered. I've been taking 1 to 2 tablespoons of blackstrap mollasses each and every day for a month or two now. I'm amazed that the nearly constant anxiety I felt embedded deep in my bones is very significantly mellowed out. This especially incredibly helps me at work. (The molasses has a slew of B complex vitamins and other minerals, all in highly bioavailable form!)

 

Wow, I don't have to resort again to evil benzos after all.

[LostInMarshes]

(I'm also pretty sure I have PGAD, though it's not unbearable.)

 

How am I doing overall for the past two months? Very poorly. Combination of seasonal affective disorder and my evil roommate having moved out in December. Relieved at her being gone, but my functioning goes sharply downhill when I'm living all alone. I also have but one friend I see infrequently, haven't made friends at work, and have no family really. So it's paralyzing.

 

My lack of functioning is slowing down my ability to prepare the place for a potential new roommate, therefore saving me from a certain doom of being totally destitute.

 

Haven't washed my hair in 3 weeks. This is the longest I haven't washed it. Some dishes haven't been washed for a month. I've been sleeping on top of random smelly blankets, because I'm out of fresh sheets and haven't done laundry in 3 months. I haven't been calling out of work, but have instead been giving up my shifts 12 hours in advance. Here and there.

 

I just need a touch of humanity to make me feel alive again. I just need a hug from a loved one. Some help.

 

Miraculously, my one friend is coming over now, as his Birthday gift to me, to help me, to cuddle me, and to make me feel like someone cares. I could cry a river of gratitude

 

 

[LostInMarshes]

I'm psyched to report that I'm incredibly close to 50mg! I'll be at 50mg any day now!! It's taken me five years to go from 150mg to 50mg! I really should celebrate when I get to this coveted dosage. Phew! Then it's only 50mgs to go!

[brassmonkey]

Yes, celebrate, it's a big deal. Congratulations on making it to 1/3 of your  original dose. Well done.

[LostInMarshes]

Brassmonkey, thank you!! It hasn't yet hit me that I'm at this dosage.

[LostInMarshes]

Just in case anyone considering withdrawing is wondering how easy it is to upset the nervous system while knee-deep in withdrawal:

 

I have a gaming friend I've never met. We play a lighthearted video game together (I love those and my inner child does, too). He's recently moved on to a new title release, and loves it so much that he wanted me to play it, despite my intuitively knowing that it wouldn't be right for me. It's set in a purgatory. There are lurking monsters. It's got a somber theme despite having beautiful scenery. He bought it for me as a gift. I don't think he understands what Highly Sensitive means. Irl he works a job where sensitivity is not rewarded at all. One wouldn't survive his job, psychologically, if one were sensitive or highly sensitive.

 

I felt I should at least try the game out of courtesy. I played it for half an hour. They've made it as immersive as possible. That means I can feel everything in my body. Running away from some monster in a dark forest, with no torch... half an hour was more than enough.

 

I logged off. How do I feel? My solar plexus area feels like it's been dipped in liquid nitrogen and shredded in a meat grinder. The experience was deeply upsetting. It's been 45 minutes since, and I still feel this tightness and pain, reverberating through my abdomen, chest, arms. It's not only the acute emotional upset. It's the undeniable physical reaction.

[LostInMarshes]

I've been at exactly 50mg for nearly a month now. I only have to break the 100mg pills I have in half, to get the dose. I don't have to shave it off, for now. And still I'm getting the once every two or three months neuro sickness, like today. I'm having to call out sick and feel like a piece of ****, since I specifically asked them to give me four shifts this week (I usually get three), and I was dead set on keeping them and being reliable. (Stormstrong, reliable? What a joke, right?) Last night I couldn't fall asleep for hours, some strange terror kept gripping me, along with chills, and an inner torment, which I assume is akathisia rearing its head. Today I'm in constant chills, crushing fatigue so strong I can't really stand, and brain fog (oh, and also, sore throat). And I called out at the last minute, too. Feeling like a wonderful piece of crap today. I failed everyone.

[mva96]

Try not to beat yourself up Stormstrong, WD is a genuine nightmare, not to mention the original issues that we all face being magnified by it multiple times over. Its not your fault. 

[LostInMarshes]

On 5/13/2021 at 2:41 PM, mva96 said:

Try not to beat yourself up Stormstrong, WD is a genuine nightmare, not to mention the original issues that we all face being magnified by it multiple times over. Its not your fault. 

 

mva96, you don't know how much that meant. your comment and revelation was like a eureka moment.

[LostInMarshes]

Is it common to want to both scream and cry while in withdrawal? Purely emotional causes

[Hanna72]

Hi @Stormstrong

20 minutes ago, Stormstrong said:

Is it common to want to both scream and cry while in withdrawal? Purely emotional causes

Yes I believe it is. As we lower our drugs, we slowly get acquainted with our emotions, and in withdrawal these emotions can get over exaggerated.

Know its ok to have them, if you want to cry or scream then do so, it can be a great release for you.

 

Btw, what a good job you are doing, down to 50 mg zoloft, well done stormstrong 👍

 

 

[LostInMarshes]

Thank you Hanna. Some day soon I hope to become as supportive to others as you are. I hope you are doing okay!

[LostInMarshes]

Update: I've been holding at 50mg for two months. Started tapering again, yesterday. 

 

No longer have a therapist and have no hope of finding a long-term therapist with my health insurance. No money to spend on one. I've no life force to drastically improve my financial situation, except to keep doing what I'm doing and keep working the same hours I'm working, which amounts to part-time work. Often times I feel completely dead, completely (need to find a synonym for this word, sorry) isolated and disconnected. Yet there is so much potential inside. So many gifts to give to this world.

 

It breaks my heart that this world thoroughly breaks other people like me; people that this world actually needs to heal. It's absolutely mindbogglingly heartbreaking.

[Hanna72]

Thank you dear @Stormstrong for your words of kindness to me, it means a lot.

58 minutes ago, Stormstrong said:

Some day soon I hope to become as supportive to others as you are.

If I remember correctly you are already doing good deeds in this world by your work in a shelter for animals. That in itself is a  a work of kindness and importance.

When you can and are ready, you can give back to whom ever or what ever you like to. You have a good heart and you should at this point focus on yourself and your own healing. Consider that cultivating happiness and strength in yourself has to be your priority.

For example if we see someone that has lost his legs, it would not benefit anyone if we would chop of our own, rather we need to strengthen our own first, so when people need our help, we are able to give it.

 

I am always rooting for you, you are stronger then you think....just look at your name, it says everything😉

 

 

 

 

Edited June 30, 2021 by Hanna72

[LostInMarshes]

On 6/30/2021 at 4:16 PM, Hanna72 said:

Thank you dear @Stormstrong for your words of kindness to me, it means a lot.

If I remember correctly you are already doing good deeds in this world by your work in a shelter for animals. That in itself is a  a work of kindness and importance.

When you can and are ready, you can give back to whom ever or what ever you like to. You have a good heart and you should at this point focus on yourself and your own healing. Consider that cultivating happiness and strength in yourself has to be your priority.

For example if we see someone that has lost his legs, it would not benefit anyone if we would chop of our own, rather we need to strengthen our own first, so when people need our help, we are able to give it.

 

I am always rooting for you, you are stronger then you think....just look at your name, it says everything😉

 

Hi Hanna. I need to visit your thread and see how you have been.

As always, your words were a breath of life... so succulent, juicy, real. Yes, I'm still working in the animal clinic.

 

Need to be honest... when anyone says I need to be stronger, in whatever way they say it... I can't help but feel... triggered, maybe. I absolutely know you didn't mean that. But it is what it is. In my mind, I've been strong all this time, otherwise I wouldn't have survived. But just like there are infinite layers that a human being could unravel within themselves, there is infinite strength to cultivate within. Yes, that is probably it

 

I need to check your thread