Wantingmeback: The last 8 months of my life *head in hands*

[wantingmeback]

This is how antidepressants have turned my entire life upside down in the small space of 8 months

 

I fell pregnant with my daughter who is now 15 mnths old.  I immediately became depressed showing nearly all signs of depression and was advised by my doctor to go on antidepressants whilst pregnant or I could end up with postnatal depression. I refused as I didn't want any harm to come to my unborn child from any side affects.  So I muddled on, then surely enough after a traumatic unplanned caesarean I could not bond with my daughter and was really struggling to just to do the simplest tasks, plus many other symptoms of postnatal depression. 8 months after the birth of my daughter I knew I just couldn't go any further I needed medication.  I hated the stigma attached but just couldn't do it any other way. I was put on 50mg sertraline and I felt the effects immediately and thought this was the best thing ever! Woohoo!

 

A few weeks later I was sat in my kitchen and remember having vivid suicidal thoughts about hanging myself, I was not of low mood at all but none the less these thoughts were there I remember having a kind of itching sensation around my neck and the only way I thought I could get rid of the itching was to get the rope put it around my neck and hang myself.  HOLY ****! I totally realised what I was thinking and panicked I telephoned my partner and explained what had happened and  that I totally understand now how someone could commit suicide, it felt like it was my calling. So, my partner and I did some research on antidepressants  which confirmed our suspicions, so I decided to taper off the Sertraline, which I did over a month or so, just lowering the dose slightly each week.

 

Soon after depression hit again. It wasn't all the time but when it hit I was out for a couple of days, bed ridden and just wanted no contact with anyone.  I was looking after the kids and my partner  worked full time, so as you can imagine this really messed with our lives.  My partner was constantly taking time off work, it just wasn't good.  I sought help from a hypnotherapist/behavioural therapist rather than go back to the doc because I knew he’d just hand me another prescription and I thought I’d rather be depressed than have suicidal thoughts. Doing this worked in the short term, but I just couldn't kick the depression.  So losing all hope and seeing no alternative I went back to the doc and back on the pills.  30mg Paroxetine again and as with the previous medication it worked  immediately! Woohoo! Then 2 months down the line I started to feel really weird, foggy in the head, terrible concentration, totally unable to problem solve, multitask or even remember the simplest things.  So I went to the doc and explained that I think I am having side effects from the medication and I need some help as I feel like my brain is starting to shut down.  He disagreed with me saying it didn't sound like a side effect, upped my dose and sent me to counselling.

 

Two weeks after the dosage was upped the suicidal thoughts crept in and I just decided to end my life that night by taking an overdose of the remaining Paroxetine tablets.   I was then hospitalised in a psychiatric ward where the psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar type 2 and agreed that considering my pervious history that the doc should not have upped my meds and they were a direct cause of the suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide.  So thanks to the well informed Doc’s prescribing this stuff willy nilly, I could have killed myself twice!

 

Anyway, I stayed in hospital whilst they immediately took me off the Paroxetine and put me on mirtazapine 30mg and Seroquel 50mg. low and behold a few weeks later I am having Bipolar symptoms off the chart.  My husband even disputes the Bipolar diagnosis because he says I have shown no previous signs of bi polar UNTIL I was put on the Seroquel and Mirtazipine.

 

In all seriousness my brain is seriously messed up, I absolutely have no idea who I am anymore, I am doing this and conducting myself weirdly in situations that just wouldn’t normally go down.   Sorry to be graphic but I just want  sex all the time. I constantly feel high, but agitated if I cant do what I want.  I feel like I cant stop, The relationship with my small children, I feel is horrible.  Pervious to this I was an excellent mum, loving caring, patient.  Now I have no patience and rarely want to be around them because I don’t feel a bond and I hate to say it but their voices are like a drilling in my brain.  I am just no good for them right now.  I hate myself for it, hate who I have become and want me back.  I have had no low moods yet, like hopelessness  or whatnot, just  serious agitation and all the negatives that come with that.   I said to my partner I feel like a squashball in a squash court being smacked about the place at high speed with little to no control over where I go and what I do, there’s an errie driving force called Mirtazipine and I want it gone.

Saw a psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago who said get of the Seroquel  it is really bad stuff.  If im not having problems sleeping, which I’m not then ditch it, so I did that immediately with only gastro side effects I think.  I cannot remember what normal me feels like any more, I may be having side effects or it could be the quick withdrawal from Paroxatine, who knows.

 

 So again off I trot to the doc ( I get a good doc this time Very thorough) and she agrees the medication is making my bipolar 2 worse and we have now made a plan to come off it altogether.  Although the original depression may come back L - full circle with no accomplishment only shear devastation.

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Wanting.

 

It sounds like you tend to have a known adverse reaction to SSRIs: Suicidality.

 

It is possible, when you went off sertraline too fast, you got withdrawal syndrome rather than "relapse"; taking Paxil later relieved this, then you got an adverse effect again to the SSRI.

 

While many doctors will misdiagnose an adverse reaction to an SSRI as some kind of "bipolar" condition, it is not. Your system simply does not get along with serotonergics.

 

It is possible that the abrupt discontinuation of paroxetine in the hospital revived withdrawal syndrome; irritability and apathy can be part of this. Plus, you are now having adverse reactions to mirtazipine and Seroquel.

 

Mirtazipine can be sexually stimulating. We have several people here who have experienced this (in the Introductions forum, use search for "mirtazipine" or "Remeron").

 

Seroquel can make you feel dopey and disoriented.

 

What time of day do you take your drugs? Please put ALL the drugs you take in the Drug Interactions Checker http://www.drugs.com/drug_interactions.html and copy and paste the results in this topic.
 

[KarenB]

Hello Wantingmeback,

 

That's some journey you've been on there - I'm really sorry to hear how badly it was all handled by your doctor.  I think you'll find a lot of support here, as well as information for tapering safely. 

 

You did well to taper in what you probably thought was a relatively slow way - and compared to what a doctor might advise, it was.  We recommend tapering by no more than 10% of your current dose each month.  This helps to reduce withdrawal symptoms, and allows your brain to adjust as you go.  So the depression you felt after tapering Sertraline originally would have been w/d symptoms caused by the too-fast taper. 

 

From there, things start to get cumulative.  Your CNS was then trying to cope with that, as well as being put on Paroxetine, then having that dose increased (god, what a negligent doctor!)  Each change adds to the trauma of it all.  Then c/t off Paroxetine, and put on Mirt and Seroquel.  I'm not surprised you feel entirely messed up. 

 

Right now your Central Nervous System will be feeling very destabilised by all the cold-turkies and fast tapers.  It's going to need some stability in the form of holding before you consider tapering further.  It looks like your sig. says you have taken a half dose of Mirtazapine today.  If so, I think you'd be best to get back to your original dose to let things settle first.  Then, when you have, you could start tapering in a more gentle way.  (Unless Alto thinks you need to stop it quicker due to adverse reactions/suicidality). 

 

Thanks for filling out a signature.  Would you be able to add dates into it?  The more detailed and precise it is, the better we can help you make decisions.  Thanks. 

 

I agree that the bipolar label is ridiculous.  It has been documented that many people get misdiagnosed bipolar after SSRIs have destabilised them.  Doctors mistake it with the withdrawal symptoms of mania and depression.

 

I'm glad you are here.  You may like to get hold of a book called Anatomy of an Epidemic - explains all sorts of things.

 

Karen

Edited February 20, 2016 by KarenB
posted same time as alto, may be some double-ups

[btdt]

Welcome sorry you need to be here but glad your here sooner rather than later.  This is safe place to tell it like it is hopefully that will be as helpful to you as it has been to me. 

I wish you peace

 

ps

 

Just so you hear it again your husband is right they cannot properly dx anything when your having a reaction to a drug..though it has happened to many of us here. 

Having a suicidal reaction to an antidepressant seems to be one thing I do well... two drugs known to cause this in spades for me are prozac and zoloft ...paxil would likely have made the list had I not stopped it quickly... effexor was the sex drug for me... 

 

So you see this is what these drugs cause and your not crazy your having reactions to drugs... I just wanted to come back an add this as thinking back these are the words I wish some body had said to me...

peace

[wantingmeback]

Thank you so much for your comments, advice and support.

 

I will definitely taper much more slowly I think i am just in such a hurry to get off of everything that i was happy to go with what the doc said, but now reading the 10% method  that definitely seems like the way get off for good.

 

Thanks for letting me know that you believe my "returning to depression" after sertraline was likely to be because of getting off the sertaline too quickly.  Makes sense now, funny how you dont see these this when they are happening to you and helps me feel more at ease with taking more time tapering off

 

Thanks for the comment agreeing with my husband about the bi polar diagnosis, again one of those things that I just didn't think about.

 

Funny you should mention the book, Anatomy of an Epidemic my husband bought it very recently. I shall read it.

 

And last but definitely not least Thanks for saying I'm not crazy it's just a reaction to the meds.  I had tears in my eyes when I read that.  great support.  I totally question my sanity every second.  

 

You are all awesome

[KarenB]

Also - the things that really click with you that you read here, write them down and stick them on your wall. You need help getting the old lies out of your head and the new true things in there. 

[wantingmeback]

Also - the things that really click with you that you read here, write them down and stick them on your wall. You need help getting the old lies out of your head and the new true things in there. 

[wantingmeback]

I'm after some advice please.

 

I have been taking mirtazipine for 4 weeks ish but it's giving me dodgy side effects so have started to taper at 10%.  If my husband is calculating the 10% method properly it'll take me a couple of years to get off something i've only been on for one month.  seems excessive to me.  what do you think, can i taper it in lager increments? 

 

Thanks

 

[AliG]

Hi Wanting .  Welcome .  Technically you can taper faster , however it can be tricky .  If you taper at the recommended rate,  you will  taper off in a way that you can keep living a normal life, with minimal disruption.

 

If you find that you are tolerating it well , then you can speed up the tapering process, a little.  This is not common. Most have to go slow.  Can you fill in your drug history signature. It will help .

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/893-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/

 

Even though it can take years , if it means being functional and carrying on with life , that is worth it  in the long run .  You certainly don't want to be dysfunctional . Have a read around and come back with any questions or concerns , you might have . This is your journal to ask questions and track your progress.

Ali

[nz11]

Welcome WMB,

 

There seems to be a rush by the medical profession to get you off these drugs in an overly fast manner. Is there some health issue that is driving that?

 

You may have been taking this current drug for only four weeks but when you look at the whole picture it appears you've had exposure to psychotropic drugs for  longer than that. No doubt each progressive drug you were given was to cover the side-effects from withdrawal of the previous one.

 

Are you able to tell us the dates you started those previous drugs.

 

We have all had a wake-up call regarding our plight and unfortunately thanks to Pharma who have taken addiction to a new level and lied about it, 'slowly' for many is having to be defined as several years.

 

The medical profession do not acknowledge withdrawal however here is an excellent checklist from someone who does,

Dr. Joseph Glenmullen's withdrawal symptom checklist

 

These drugs profoundly altar the brain. You might like to have a read of this it is very insightful. It will help to explain why we need to go slowly when tapering.

Brain remodeling

 

In the absence of urgent medical reasons it is safest to taper at the 10% method. You might like to read this link

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1024-why-taper-by-10-of-my-dosage/
 

nz11

[ChessieCat]

Hi WMB,

 

Welcome to SA.  I've noticed that you started an Intro topic when you joined SA.  It is one intro topic per person so all of your history is kept together.  The mods will merge this new topic with your orignal topic.  You can click Follow Topic (top right of screen) and you will receive an email when someone replies.  You can then use your Intro topic to ask questions and as a journal of your progress.

 

CC

[Petunia]

New topic merged with original.

 

I have been taking mirtazipine for 4 weeks ish but it's giving me dodgy side effects so have started to taper at 10%.  If my husband is calculating the 10% method properly it'll take me a couple of years to get off something i've only been on for one month.  seems excessive to me.  what do you think, can i taper it in lager increments? 

 

If mirtazapine was the only psyche drug you had ever taken and only for 4 weeks, then it may be possible for you to taper faster, but as NZ11 pointed out, you have been on these kinds of drugs much longer than 4 weeks, so you need to consider the cumulative effect and realize that even though you have only been on mirtazapine for 4 weeks, your nervous system has been exposed to this kind of medicinel for much longer and so its more likely you will experience withdrawal symptoms from a fast taper.

[Farout]

I just wanted to stop by and reassure you that these reactions happen and they are epic. I took a took a very small amount of ADs and had the suicidal thoughts, hallucinations and all sorts. They are incredibly strong drugs that are handed out like candy and no-one will ever acknowledge the fall-out from them - even for known reactions.

 

It is ridiculous to suggest that you have suddenly developed bi-polar. You have clearly had an adverse reaction to the various psych medications you have been on.

 

Listen to the good people here. They are a wealth of knowledge. It is horrible when you lose sight of who you are but things will get better. You will heal.

[Ali]

This is how antidepressants have turned my entire life upside down in the small space of 8 months

 

The relationship with my small children, I feel is horrible.  Pervious to this I was an excellent mum, loving caring, patient.  Now I have no patience and rarely want to be around them because I don’t feel a bond and I hate to say it but their voices are like a drilling in my brain.  I am just no good for them right now.  I hate myself for it, hate who I have become and want me back.  .

Hi.

Sorry to see you've been messed about by doc's so much. It doesn't inspire confidence when each one turns around with a different guess at the problem.

 

Re your children, I empathise. When I was on Seroquel and lexapro, and really quite ill with the depression, I really found it difficult to be what I thought was a good mum. I had a really short temper and would sometimes turn my back and be cursing quietly while they talked to me. I just wanted to be alone. Still, I gave the best I could at the time, even though it didn't always feel like much. Don't beat yourself up. I'm sure you're still a good mum. If you weren't you wouldn't be writing about how bad you feel as a parent.

 

You will get through this. There are people on this site who have kicked psychotropic drugs after years.

????

[ang]

Welcome wantingmeback,   well done for finding this site.  Everyone will help, anyway we can.  The moderators have EXCELLENT advice.  

 

And I say well done for NOT going the AD route while pregnant....(and wtf, you saying you are a bad mum, get real!! you are a brilliant mum!!!~).................. and wow, you actually do know, KNOW  the drugs have caused the suicidality.  (and other issues)  

 

Doctors actually have to admit the failings of this happy pills fraud, now, wow..............!!

 

I have not got any advice, just to say welcome, from a fellow Aussie!     Everyone on these psych meds, always starts off depressed, then bipolar, then,    the list goes on!!   All the meds, always the meds.... so glad you are young and knowledgeable, and want off the drugs.............     YOU HAVE MADE IT!  This knowledge is precious, how LONG  it takes to get off the stuff, totally irrelevant.........................

 

And your kids/family  love you,   none of us are perfect, and very less than perfect in WD, but my son wants me here!  So I'll stay..........    I hope you read the section on Neuro emotions, when you can, that really helped me.

 

The stuff these medications cause, is real, real scary..............  welcome to the group!             

 

I am so much better than when I arrived on this helpsite 12 months ago....................... HUGS X

[ang]

In the future, you will realise, how lucky, you had to get off these pills, from the horrific side effects, so quickly! ................    hang in there, balance out, and we are all here for you.