Hennie86

[hennie86]

Moderator's note:  Link to Hennie86's benzo forum thread

 

I have used 5-htp in one time of my life without any problems so this time i thought, why not to try and now im thinking why on earth did i try. I had healthy nervous system back then and noticed it lifted my mood a bit(or it was placebo), now it´s very sensitive. What an impulsive thing to do to try that supplement, i just got an stupid idea to try, when i was suffering from depression one day and cried why my life is so grey and pointless. I even took half of the tablet, what an crazy amount 100 mgs would have been for me. Now it has been nightmare for days, i feel like i watch my life through anxiety. My goal was to feel better, but results were bad. Actually now i feel it was positive to suffer from depressive feelings and to cry the other day because after my 5-htp experiment my anhedonia got worse. Anxiety is all i feel now and depersonalisation and i still feel like i am half asleep half awake and everything feels weird, after my hospitalization i have been really sensitive to any changes how i feel. Seriously i feel like some colours went away from my life after taking that supplement or it is just lack of sleep. I still have tremor. I have blamed myself for days because of ruining my sleep and general life rhytm after 2 pretty decent months with good night sleep and nice dreams. Sleep that lasted 8 - 10 hours, really good after Lexapro wd ruining my sleep. Last night again the same thing like nights before, although i woke up one hour before, so 3 hours of sleep, im really soon in a state i have to go to hospital... It´s not really far away. I also suffer from self-hatred being so stupid to try serotonin supplement, because I know what reinstating  Lexapro too late after quitting did to me, not good.

 

What i have read from 5-htp, have convinced me, that it´s really stupid supplement for most of the people and can be as dangerous as ssri:s even though it is a supplement not a medicine.

 

I saw my doctor today and he prescriped seroquel for sleep, 25 mg. I used it during my hospitalization, not with very good results with sleep and got mild RLS, but it helped a little bit, although i didn´t react well to bigger amounts of Seroquel. Now im thinking am i gonna try it, but im really afraid its gonna mess up things even more....I seriously thought im not gonna touch antipsychotics again.  Still thinking, should i or should i not...Also have zyprexa in my cabinet and thought should i reinstate it instead, a tiny amount of it, would it help me sleep. im pretty desperate at this point, because im seriously in a really messed up state, afraid of collapsing again with really bad and this lack of sleep is ruining my life.

Edited April 22, 2017 by Shep
added mod note and link to Hennie's benzo forum thread

[hennie86]

I´m now in really stressful situation, because I got away from mild anhedonia back to feeling (not like i used to, but somehow) and then after two stupid mistakes (trying supplement 5-htp and Seroquel for sleep) I went back to emptyness and anhedonia. I am so scared of this and i hope this isn´t permanent. I used Zyprexa for a while and even when eating it, I felt all kinds of emotions, although sometimes i couldn´t cry and Zyprexa is famous that it makes people numb. I have had really bizarre feelings in my brain and in my nervous system this week: ( Like something is not okay after my insomnia, Seroquel and 5-htp. First it was depersonalisation, now i just cant feel anything. I just feel things don´t feel like they used to, or don´t feel nothing at all. Music, tv-shows, even my boyfriend - nothing makes me feel, i want my old world back. Now i just remember how i felt, but the feelings aren´t coming. I´m so scared! Even every place feels different.

 

When stopping AD:s the most terrible feeling was the change of how everything felt after. I wish I have known that, and never ever have stopped my tiny amount of antidepressant, i have been in a nightmare since for the most of the time. But I was so determined to stop, no matter what, after 10 years of use it was bad idea. Somehow I haven´t been able to experience life how it was after quitting SSRIs, im not the same person anymore that i was in ssri:s. I lived happy life when using AD:s, i had no idea how disabled i would become after quitting those and how i would change as a human being. I know, i shouldn´t have even started those. I all the time wish i could be like others, and back to how i was. For a long time I woke up every morning to feeling strange and in a little panic and missing the old days.

[hennie86]

But i healed after i thought i cannot watch any tv-shows or feel anything. I started to laugh and feel. enjoy food, and seeing friends. Not like before but i did. And now i feel dead inside, braindead. A week ago everything was different. I  dont know what to do :´( I have lost too much because of two stupid pills. Was this the end of my life like it was, i´m blaming myself every day, because i didn´t appreciate little things that made my life worth living, but wanted to try 5-htp for my depression and got terrible adverse reaction and insomnia. Also developed akathisia because of Seroquel, which i havent got for months. Doctor said i cant be so injured because of two pills, but i feel like it.

[Newbeginning]

Hi Hennie,

 

You don't have a signature or intro topic. Would you post one so when we read your posts we can understand better your med history?

 

Anhedonia is a very common symptom of withdrawal and I've heard it does go away, but can take a lot of time. If your recent anhedonia relapse was due to short term use of meds/supplements, it might reverse quicker.

 

Try to stay away from any meds or supplements that can affect the brain for the next few years. It can take your brain several years to recover from the long term med use and during that time you might be vulnerable to have weird side effects from meds or supplements.

 

I have the same issue with developing anhedonia very quickly now when I take any meds that can cause it. I had to reinstate just a tiny bit of effexor and got a worsening of anhedonia from that.

 

Don't lose hope. Try not to focus on the anhedonia and instead do things that used to be pleasurable, even if you don't feel them. That can help retrain your brain to slowly start experiencing pleasure again. But be patient. It could take from several months to a few years, based on other people's experiences.

 

Hugs,

[hennie86]

Here is my terrible med history.

[hennie86]

I am so sad, because my life was starting to feel again pleasurable. I got a chance to taste life how it should be, i enjoyed seeing my friends, doing yoga practises, eating, walking outside, watching my favourite tv-shows, i started to laugh and my brain started to work. I slept 10 hours per night. Now i only can sleep 3-4. Now i feel i have lost my motivation, my feelings, everything, even eating is terrible, feel like my brain is damaged.Now i have been suffering for a week because of my stupid experiments. I had no idea i would get my terrible insomnia back after 5-htp, one pill and suffer from crazy adverse reaction and even get akathisia from Seroquel. I feel like im in hell and so mad at myself.

[AliG]

You will get there again, once your CNS settles. It will take a little time.  Are you on a tapering schedule , Hennie.  Have you posted in Introductions & updates ?

[KarenB]

Hello Hennie,

 

Just bumping this so you can find it more easily. 

 

Best wishes,

Karen

[Fresh]

Hi Hennie , please click FOLLOW at the top right , and you'll receive an email each time someone

posts here.

 

" using Zyprexa with Temazepam for months.. Life seemed to stabilize slowly ..."

 

Exactly how long were taking zyprexa , at what doses. Did you stop suddenly?

 

bw , Fresh

[hennie86]

My collapsing is getting even more worse

 

I did stop Zyprexa cold turkey, which was a huge mistake. I used dosed 10-20mg a couple of months, quitted 1-2 months ago. Didn´t get any reaction of quitting cold turkey. A little bit of tremor and mild RLS - symptoms, which i had during the medication. Mood was good, could even laugh, watch TV, do yoga, experience emotions(well not like before but..) and so on, which was impossible for me for months. I wanted to get rid of the medication, because it caused uncomfortable feeling in legs at night which luckily went away every morning and numbness of feelings(which have been away for days now, im so scared), but if i got a chance to make another decision i would have tapered it down in monts. Or used a little tiny dose.  Theres no playing with antipsychotics, i know (tardive dyskinesia and so on). I dont know why doctor didnt prescribe Olanzapine for my insomnia, but Quetiapine, which seems completely poison for me. I was really sensitive to meds, even ibuprofein seem to affect my brain and i was all the time scared of reactions. I feel like somehow disabled, im half of a person i used to be. Before my hospitalization, stupid quitting of ssri:s (only 2,5 mg of Lexapro kept me sane and sleep) i was a energetic university student and worked part time. Now i havent been able to do any of those things. But i started to do little important things in life again, although- still disabled.  Do other stuff than just stare at walls and be lethargic.

 

Life went well a month after that, got windows and a little bit of waves, slept with Temazepam 20 mg. melatonin and used Diazepam 5 mg-10 mg / day. Sometimes i had to take 2x20 mg of Temazepam per day but i always slept minimum 8 hours. my sleep improved from summer when i only slept 2 hours per day. I dunno how, but my brain started to work again and sleep well. I got all cycles in my sleep. My plan was to taper benzos and Temazepam, but seriously im so hooked of it , i dunno do i sleep without it anymore.

 

Then i made stupid huge terrible mistake and started to take supplements (only for for days). I thought that my brain needed something to make them work better and i needed something to improve my mood. So so so stupid thing. I forgot, how fragile CNS is after quitting meds. Didnt get any reaction. Then i got reaction from 5-htp, one stupid pill. Mixing with benzos, very stupid . TErrible derealisation, depersonalisation. Then woke up in the middle of the night, my muscle hurted, my head hurted and i wasnt able to fall asleep again. Strange feeling in head. Next day i freaked out a couple of times, couldnt drink coffee, my appetite was gone, i was still in a dream state. I got tremors, shaking.

I have slept really peacefully before with relaxed body and no bad feelings in my CNS.

 

Next few days slept only 3 hours per night with Temazepam. Now even less. I wake up head burning feelings, but i do see dreams. What was the worst decision was, that my doctor prescriped Seroquel 25 mg for sleep which i took with Temazepam. Well, i slept like in a coma, waking up many times, but suffered terrible rls all night long. I also felt really weird in my head, tingly terrible feeling. Next day my head felt weird at first, then numb, and i have felt emotionless since. I also got panic feelings all day in my body. i developed akathisia, which i have been suffering since. I have also started to feel again burning, tingling sensations in my body and in my head which i had after ssri:s.

 

Now i feel like disabled. I am not able to do things, enjoy things, motivate to do things. Doctor prescriped even more benzos: 70 mg per day when temazepam is with. Crazy! I try to eat less. My head feels like its frying, i feel like i have destroyed my life. Sleeping is no more peaceful, i wake up my heart pounding and i feel like i have poison in my veins and in CNS. Also doctor prescriped beta-blockers, which i havent tried.

 

I feel like i have gone from a state of little depression, but colours in life to a state of absolute hell.

 

I had so many things, i feel i have lost. Im in the bottom again. I HATE PSYCHIATRIC MEDS, they have destroyed my life completely although its me who has put them to my mouth. I never ever suffered from panic attacks before SSRI:s, but  i had to start using them again because i developed panic disorder. I started SSRI:s when hospitalization when i was 18 with severe depression after my mom passed away. I had 10 great years but with a really big price. Now i have lost IN A WEEK: Ability to laugh, to cope with daily activities, sit still(akathisia) , i suffer severe anhedonia with depersonalisation, ability to enjoy tv-shows ( i just started to watch them again and truly enjoy of them, Downton abbey was my favourite, now i just dont feel them when i watch them), enjoying from eating(i loved to eat), yoga, enjoying daily little routines and i started to plan my days( i have had cognitive problems) ... All them: gone in a week. Feel like my world isnt what it was, it just feels different. I panicked the next day after eating seroquel, i just felt something isnt right, my brain is in so vulnerable state after my multi-drug-use. Why i just didnt stay in my daily schedule. One Diazepam 5 mg in morning, melatonin and Temazepam for night. And nutritious food. Why... Now i feel like even melatonin makes me sick, i have even vomited a couple of times and im supersensitive to everything. Everything because of two pills. TWO. I cannot stand this. :,( I didnt know how things can go everytime to even more bad, a little bit of appreciation of my life how it was and using my logic thinking would have maybe saved myself from this nightmare, which is my life right now.

[hennie86]

I have to start to build my life again. Maybe its not gonna be anymore in a state, i got to, i have only thought this for days.I didnt know how vulnerable i was. Im so depressed right now, but i cannot even feel sadness. Feel like  the excitement and joy have been robbed from me. People can use meds for a couple of years and quitting, especially when young, quite safely, but when touching AP:s and benzos and mood stabilizers and quitting and starting meds, everything will change. i even quitted Lexapro from 20mg cold turkey,when being young and was like a week: oh well what are these brain zaps, had one bad week, then started jogging and everything went well. Used all kind of supplements, ate what i wanted, and my CNS was okay. Slept okay, didnt notice any difference how i was or in my emotions before my panic disorder. Maybe this time i have seriously damaged my brain permanently, burning is worrying me, although i suffered from it too in summer but it ended. Because seriously i feel like everything is grey, without colour anymore and i have akathisia, burning in head and insomnia arent really nice mates. Now i only rest and pray.

 

i have visited two doctors this week. Other said: Oh, why wouldnt you start Olanzapine again, it made you feel better and take these beta-blockers and eat crazy amount of benzos. He said: Oh we should have started AD:s for you before you get depressed after Zyprexa, you dont have akathisia you have just anxiety and agitation. This week i have made a record in eating of benzos and i seriously dont feel high or good although i can rest, i feel TERRIBLE. Other was like: Im not gonna give you any medicine, not even beta-blocker, and we drop your benzos in two weeks. Because i could sit still it means i have no akathisia. Yes i do. I have been laying on the floor suffering and trying to move my legs. Well a little bit of humour when thinking how differently these two doctors thought.

 

Stay strong, life goes on, no matter what, although i feel like i cant stand this anymore.

 

Hennie

[AliG]

Hennie.      I'm glad you started an Intro thread.  It might not be the 5 HTP , but the Zyprexa cold turkey , catching up with you . If you quit 2 months ago , it could be withdrawal symptoms from that just hitting you now. Sometimes , it takes a few months to make an impact .

So you're on Valium and Temazepam ?  What dosage and when do you take them ?

How long ago did you C/T Zyprexa?  It might not be too late to reinstate , a small amount to help with the withdrawal symptoms.

[hennie86]

I have had to use 20 mg:s of valium(doctor said to took 30!!!) and 40 mg:s of Temazepam for night this terrible week. Previously 5-10mgs(mostly 5) of valium and 20(mostly 20)-40mgs of Temazepam in the night. Previously took 5mgs one time per day. Now in the morning, day and evening. 

[hennie86]

I think 5-htp triggered something in my vulnerable body, because i hadnt had any wd-symptoms at all. None, not even bit of anxiety. Then boom, first after two hours of dose: anxiety, depersonalisation, oversleepiness, then: insomnia, terror, panic, restlessness, headache, muscle aches, completely loss of appetite, shaking. Next day i could go yoga with my physiotherapist although my body felt stiff and had anxiety.

After it i slept worse and felt bad, but after seroquel second boom: Akathisia next day. It started as shaking of my body and then i started to move back and forth restlessness. It was actually better day after but have just gotten worse and worse everyday.  new symptom: Sensitivity to light and simulation. How nice. Its like in the past summer.

To a healthy person with no drug history these couple of drugs would have just been nothing. Although i have read some get insomnia and anxiety attacks of 5-htp.

I feel like ruined my life. And i have, in this point after so much recovery from almost impossible situation, i was in the deepest bottom.

3 mistakes: Quitting Zyprexa cold turkey, 2. trying supplements when vulnerable because of WD. I had noticed tremor so that was a warning sign. 3. Trying another AP for sleep. I wonder how would have Zyprexa make me feel.

In the worst case i end up being a shaking akathisia patient with no emotions. This is terrible.

[hennie86]

I quitted Zyprexa 2 months ago.

[Fresh]

Please read our thread on reinstating here http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/7562-about-reinstating-and-stabilizing-to-reduce-withdrawal-symptoms/

 

I'd consider reinstating zyprexa at a tiny dose , 1mg. If that provides some relief from your symptoms ,

you can then stabilize and taper off slowly.

[hennie86]

How can a quite healthy, quite happy person turn to a disabled, anxiety suffering wreck in a week....

 

I´m considering it, because this week has seriously been from hell, but im just scared because of my akathisia. I feel like going back to beginning of my recovery, maybe even few steps back. I have so much good happened I cant handle all this loss.. Everything would be easier if i havent got a chance to taste recovery from almost impossible situation.This all feels like just a big stupid horrible mess and i hope it would be nightmare! I miss all my emotions so badly and the old safe feeling i got. Now im just numb, feel like my world has broken, luckily i got people to talk to, but they cannot understand. Everything has been just a chain reaction. Supplement>insomnia>Seroquel(why didnt i try zyprexa instead with small dose!!!!)>akathisia, emotional numbness> Benzos + Propnanonol > even more numbness> feel like dying inside.If i would have just tapered zyprexa or forgot supplements i could be still how i used to be. In a state of emotions and passion. loving food, going outdoors and so on... It is just terrible I developed akathisia which im scared is tardive akathisia - permanent and scared as hell my feelings are all gone and i have to start living with severe anhedonia. Start to living as a person with akathisia and anhedonia - how could something worse even be. I have people that are gonna support me no matter what, but this is terrible! Akathisia is the most terrible symptom i have suffered. I suffered from akathisia, minor one, in summer when eating seroquel with bigger dose, but it went away when switching to Zyprexa. Why didnt i remember that Seroquel is not okay for me. I feel like my IQ has dropped 50 points this week, i go so slow because of benzos. I cant cope with daily activities .I was in so good situation, when eating only two tabs per day(benzos).

 

I talked today with a girl aged 19, who said that she has been eating psychotropic meds for 4 years ago starting when 15. She said that she developed a situation like me with akathisia. She said she couldnt understand what it was then. She had stopped Seroquel and started it again and then suffered one month of this terrible restlessness unable to sit down. She suffered from anxiety and doctor prescriped her AP:s. Great. It lasted one month. she said. I hope mine lasts one month too max. because i cant stand this anymore.

 

I watched a video from youtube of this poor man suffering from Akathisia. It has been like this for a week for me. Luckily i get some kind of relief from benzos but im really scared. This guy obviously had taken only AD:s. Im almost surprised how my body has been able to cope with all the meds to this spring 2015 although i suffered a terrible reaction from antibiotics once. Then everything started to fall apart summer 2015. This is the video of this man suffering, poor guy:

 

I thought that 25 mg:s of Seroquel is okay, because doc said it would be safe (lesson number one, dont trust doctors when in withdrawal, most of them, forgot it, he was such a nice man). One of my docs was good prescriping Zyprexa and dropping benzos which made me quite healthy, but it took months, although the dose was tooo big. I should have just dropped the dose slowly. What is the most frustrating, is, that doctor says i cannot have akathisia because of 25mg:s of Seroquel. But i know my body was a ticking bomb after AP:s waiting something to trigger this pure hell. I had parkinson kind of shakiness and tremor for a now and then. I tried propnanonol 20 mg to akathisia, but i seriously dont know is it worth it. I feel like stoned, like being in a dream state. But now i could almost do anything to help this inner restlessness.

 

One day at time. I hope im gonna survive this all.... I warn you once again : no cold turkeys and dont try 5-htp with sensitive nervous system and it can cause depersonalisation and anhedonia go even worse, not gonna make you cheery, like SSRI:s made me.Well maybe time makes memories be seen in a more positive way as those was.

 

Suffering Hennie, who is living now one day at time in crisis hoping time will heal. Stay strong!

[hennie86]

I have even thought why didnt i continue to use Zyprexa, although it definately is too sedating, made mild RLS, feel like zombie in the morning and bad drug in many ways, but i used to the feeling how it made me feel. First i felt i lost myself as a human being( i lost myself already when quitting ssris), but when i got over it and forgot how better my life was before, i just coped with the drug and my body got used to that drug.  And what is weird, my CNS was in quite okay shape, when using it and could feel all emotions, even too much of them, although crying was difficult. After it i have had less emotions, or i have stabilized somehow, but the emotions felt deeper after quitting. I felt really better after quitting weeks before my trying with supplements. I thought i had come to alive after Zyprexa but depression started also from quitting, which actually was really healthy feeling compared to this anhedonia. Why did i want to get that stupid package of 5-htp. That package should have many warnings of potential side effects because this product has really bad side effects,but supplements dont have, although they should. Seroquel definitely has a list full of side effects.....After reading from 5-htp i would never ever taken it, i have even thought SSRI-meds are more safe, they dont just raise serotonin how 5-htp does, with random way. Nowadays i have noticed i seem to get the not so common side effects of drugs. People: If you suffer from depression, its healthy, if you have emotions, be glad you have them. Crying is so good experience sometimes, feeling numb is not good.

 

I have thought is this insomnia Zyprexa rebound insomnia also... I think about this reinstatement thing. My doctor loved the idea but seriously it can also make things also more bad because of my akathisia thing.

 

The pattern just seems a little bit too familiar with SSRI:s. First i tapered them slowly, felt okay, studied, worked everything was okay, maybe felt a little bit of fogginess, but then after 1,5 months later everything collapsed and insomnia started.

[hennie86]

A little bit of humor. I read from an energy drink that would make a few person with SSRI withdrawal with sensitive CNS to feel a little bit of jumpy.. If you want some excitement to life, why not to try How can they even sell these kind of products   

 

That energy drink"Comes in an 8oz canister shaped bottle and is made with a proprietary blend totaling 350mg:"

 

Ingredients:

• Caffeine Anhydrous 250 mg
• Evoburn (Pure Evodiamine)
• N-acetyl-L-tyrosine
• Guggulsterone E&Z
• Yerba Mate
• Green Tea
• 5-HTP (5-hydroxy-L-tryptophan)
• cAMP (adenosine cyclic 3'5'-monophosphate)
• Vinpocetine
• Yohimbine HCl"

[hennie86]

I decided to update. I am feeling really bad. I did not reinstate Zyprexa, and have been using benzos, because I got addicted to them after my akathisia, which lasted for 3 weeks and that was scary. I hope I would have been able to taper Zyprexa and stay in mini dose to get sleep, but I started to get bad reactions from it, like muscle spasms and RLS, so taking it was terrible and I felt really bad. But I must admit, that quitting it too fast was a mistake which made my life worse and I have read how serious symptoms it is possible to get after cold turkey.There were no good options where to choose, when using the med is terrible and quitting it also is. There has not been any good options, after reinstating Lexapro did not work and I ended to all these meds.Don't use Zyprexa, it is terrible drug.

 

My benzo-addiction started, when my doctor said I should take 30 mgs of Valium a day for severe akathisia, which I did(which was too much!) for two days and decided to drop it to 15 mg after talking to my doctor. I have tapered it slowly from that to 2 mg but I still have to use 25mgs of Restoril to get sleep.Don't use Restoril either in withdrawal. I have got really addicted to it. After my last post my life has been suffering every day, I have anhedonia and my withdrawal symptoms from overmedication have made me struggle every day and I don't think I am going to recover.I feel like I am in a test: how much can a person handle suffering.....

 

My story:( which I want to share although it is really painful for me to write):I hope I would have not gone to hospital to get help, because the doctor overmedicated me and started too many medications to me(like what was she thinking: let's start Depakote and Zyprexa at the same time with two benzos) Now I know I was a test bunny, they don't know how these meds interact together. Doctor didn't believe in SSRI withdrawal, 'cause I had quitted my med 2,5 months before so I didnt have withdrawal anymore. She did not believe in hypersensitivity to meds either although I got really bad reactions from almost every drug and felt worse every day. Reason why I get there was bad anxiety, akathisia, not being able to sleep, which wasn't helped with Mirtazapine, which was first really bad drug reaction i got(i had used it before with no problems).

 

Before it I wasnt afraid of meds, but after it I was. I don't know, has any person took so many strong medications as I have after SSRI withdrawal. I wanted to go voluntarily to hospital year ago, when I stopped sleeping after ssri:s. First diagnosis was depression. Doctor wanted to reinstate Lexapro with too big dose for me to handle, and it made me really unwell. It was like she had obsession to find right meds for me although I don't believe there is any, anymore. The doctor then put me to involuntary treatment with forced medication, although I was hypersensitive to meds.

 

Before hospital, I saw one very understanding doctor, who said that maybe it would be the best to take Oxazepam, and go home, not to hospital but I wanted to go there and she agreed to send me there. What a mistake!! Eating antipsychotics and getting bad reactions from those was torture. I have read my papers and there was (reason for involuntary treatment), something like I think I have no hope, and "patient has delusion that modern psychiatric drugs have made permanent damage to her". I did not know it is so easy to end up to an involuntary patient.

 

I feel like i have ended into a path where I have been prescribed drugs for symptoms, that other drugs have caused. And the symptoms have only got worse and worse. When I think my symptoms year ago before ending up to hospital(i had been working only days ago before hospitalization) and now, not being able to work and suffering 1000000 symptoms and three weeks of akathisia,I hope I would have gone home, not to hospital. Psychiatry has ruined my life. One quote from one psychiatrist I met: How it is possible, that it feels like there is no meds that works for you. Last psychiatrist I met, thought I was a masochist: "Would you like to try a new antidepressant? " I wish I would have known where I end up when I quitted a med that I had not any big problems with. Wanting to be med-free led me to be overmedicated. That was my story. Sorry my bad English.

Edited May 11, 2016 by AliG
added paragraph breaks

[hennie86]

I don't understand, why I did not get paragraphs to my previous post, sorry about that. This is the last time I write any text here with my phone, because obviously I can not use my phone.

[AliG]

Hi Hennie.     I'm so very sorry for what you have been through.  If I understand correctly , you were hospitalized involuntarily for telling the doctor that the drugs were damaging to you. I can only imagine how hard this has been for you . When was this hospitalization, that you are talking about?

 

What drugs have you quit recently , cold turkey ?  If any .

 

What supplements are you on currently ?

 

Are you still wanting to taper off your current drugs ?  Is your drug history signature up to date ?  It looks like you are on Valium 2mg and Temazepam 25mg.

 

Sorry for all the questions but it is important to get a concise overview of your situation, so that we can help you with this.

 

Ali

[hennie86]

I am tapering off benzos, but every time I take smaller dose, I sleep even more worse. I feel like I am stuck in these doses. Good thing I am getting 8 hours of sleep, but I wake up many times a night. I quitted Zyprexa cold turkey (two weeks of tapering but I think it does not matter), and in hospital my doctor stopped Depakote and Seroquel cold turkey many months ago. I tapered off Lexapro in 5 months last year. I don´t take any supplements anymore. I took magnesium for some time, but it made me feel worse(maybe it was B-vitamins in it) and fish oil, but I don´t use it anymore.

 

I was hospitalized involuntary one year ago, after having two bad med reactions in one week (Lexapro, Mirtazapine for sleep). Both drugs I had tolerated well in the past, and doctor did not understand how I got so bad reactions of them,  and I did not want to take them again after taking only two doses. I had anxiety, insomnia, I was really emotional and had mood-swings and inner restlessness.. It was really terrible not being able to sleep, when I haven´t experienced insomnia before. I said to my doctor, that I think the meds have made some kind of damage to me, and I criticized psychiatric drugs, and said that there is not good med for me anymore. I also said I   don´t think drugs will help me. She thought that my problems would be solved with going back to Lexapro. Or other drugs.  I was stupid and agreed to take Lexapro again. 

 

After taking Lexapro that day, I felt nervous and anxious, I felt like the inner restlessness just "exploded".I said that I am not gonna take it anymore, because I felt worse, and I thought taking it for 3 weeks to get the effect was impossible. I did not had any  bad side effects when I started Lexapro before. My doctor wanted me to start to take Depakote, and I seriously don´t know why, but I was so desperate and agreed, because she said it would calm me down after bad med reactions. I still trusted her. But what I did not know, that I´m gonna end up to be an involuntary patient that day. I don´t know how the doctor got that idea: Was it because, I had cried in my room many times that day (I think crying and  is a good thing, being a drugged zombie is not).  I would have not agreed to take Depakote, if I would have known, doctor will start 10 mgs of Zyprexa too against my will. She was taking risks with my health, starting two meds at once, big therapeutic doses, when I had not tolerated even 5 mgs of Lexapro and small dose of Mirtazapine. If I would have got a really bad reaction, what would she done? Give me more meds to cover the side effects? How would she known, which med caused problems? So in the same day, I had taken Lexapro, Zyprexa, Depakote and few benzos. It was crazy! It was like she was trying to make zombie of me and I think she succeeded pretty well... I felt like pins and needles all over my body, burning, all kinds of bizarre feelings which was a sign my CNS was really suffering. I stayed in hospital for few months, as a voluntary patient, because I felt so miserable. Wasn´t drugs supposed to heal, not make me suffer more.. She also started to give me benzos three times a day, I felt drugged 24/7.

 

When I get my papers in my hand, I was really angry. There was not any thing what was a proper reason to make me an involuntary patient.  I would never ever agreed to take Zyprexa as an voluntary patient. If any doctor would have prescribed 10 mgs of Zyprexa, I would have thrown the prescription to trashcan. After all those meds I felt I so sedated, I felt like I´m gonna fall to floor when I was walking to my room. If I would have never continued meds with so many side effects at home. My doctor said Zyprexa would help me with my depression. I had never ever been so depressed and felt so empty.

 

When I got away to a more humane and nicer unit, I met new doctor. I complained about Zyprexa and she said, that maybe I would like to try Seroquel instead. It was huge mistake!  She stopped Depakote and Zyprexa cold turkey and started Seroquel next day. After it I started to have sleeping problems, and she just doubled the dose. I was feeling even more terrible, so we decided I stayed on 50 mg:s. I was sleeping only 2 hours a night with Seroquel, Oxazepam and Temazepam and with melatonin. Seriously! It went for a while like that,I woke up in the middle of the night, not being able to sleep more and being a zombie all day. I felt worse every day(what a surprise - I suffered from SSRI withdrawal, had quitted Zyprexa and Depakote and started a new med). Then, after a while, the doctor wanted to put me back to Zyprexa. I took it with Seroquel couple of days. Yes I started to sleep again, but it was more like coma. Changing drugs and doses all the time was terrible. I hope I would just leaved the hospital, when I was voluntary patient again, and tapered off all drugs slowly, and not messed my head any more.

 

Then I understood one day, what a guinea pig I was with all these drugs. It is not safe to take them all(there is no research done are they safe together), there was many side effects, there can be interactions and they really messed my head. I did not feel better, I suffered from cognitive problems, from really scary and bizarre symptoms I did not have before, different kind of anxiety I had never felt, and I was scared, because I felt emotionally flat. I had difficulties to cry, although I felt depressed, I felt disconnected from my emotions. I felt like my doctor was drug dealer, who hooked me on strong drugs, and did not help me at all in my situation, but made it worse. Forced drugging was an inhumane experience and has nothing to do with treatment. I think why my antidepressants worked in the past, because I believed they would work. Zyprexa felt more like some kind of punishment. I had many windows after quitting Lexapro even in the summer. I had bad days and better days, mood-swings(better than no emotions at all!) but now I have only been experiencing waves after 2 months of feeling better after quitting Zyprexa, before my sleep deteriorated again. I hope I would have been able to taper Zyprexa really slowly.My family watched, how I changed from being a  cheerful person to sluggish, slow and apathetic and I feel like I have lost a huge part of my personality with these drugs. I have lost so many things...

 

So, avoid hospitalization with all cost, even when you are suffering. In worst case (like my case) you feel even more unwell. I remember when after my involuntary treatment, one nurse came to say how I am like a different person! How much better I was. Better? When I went there I wanted to talk to people, to my nurse, but after the meds, I was quiet and zombie, and had no more energy to talk about my worries or talk to people. I am disabled now and I wonder, would I have been with more responsible treatment. But I am struggling to go on. I know, I will not gonna be same person again, but I hope my situation will slowly improve.

[hennie86]

I decided to update how I feel today. Few months ago I thought I would never ever would feel better. I stopped Zyprexa cold turkey because I could not handle the restlessness and feelings it caused me when I took the pill. My psychiatrist prescribed me lots of benzos. I was a complete mess. I was suffering from feelings of akathisia, severe depression and insomnia from hell.

After months of suffering, where there were times I could not leave my home, felt like I am a zombie, just layed in bed (which is nice compared to akathisia) or was pacing around because of the akathisia, I have started to feel better. There are no words how much I have gone through. Benzos and Zyprexa are horrible drugs. Not good to say of other psychiatric drugs as well, including antidepressants and withdrawal from them which are big reason why I ended up to this psych drug nightmare.

 

But I am happy to say I feel a little bit better. Don't get me wrong. I dont feel great or normal, but better. I am able to leave my home and be more active. One day I was able to go to lunch with my friend and when I sat there, I was like wow - I can't believe I am here. I feel like there are windows and waves. I try to be as active I can be and challenge myself to meet people and go for a walk outside although I suffer from WD symptoms or feel unwell. I am able to watch TV which was impossible for me months ago. I just could not focus. In my worst condition I was not able to do those things, I can do nowadays.

 

I have tapered Temazepam for few months. Now I use it for 11 mg and its the last drug I am using. Every three days my goal is to lower my dose 0,25 mg but if I get WD symptoms, I stop tapering for few days. I bought a micro scale to help me with tapering off Temazepam. Its really hard to get off this drug because I suffer from insomnia and I am not able to sleep without this drug. And the WD symptoms with benzos are terrible! Luckily tapering off this med has been easier I thought, but I suffer everyday weird feelings. I suffer for example from terrible brain fog, headache, memory problems, depersonalisation, derealization, restless legs, weird burning and "electric" sensations (dont know how to describe it) in my head and legs. I have slept 7 hours a night so that is a really good thing although I wake up many times a night.

 

I found a GP who respects my will to taper off Temazepam slowly and does not pressure me to taper faster. One psychiatrist I met wanted to get me off from Temazepam in weeks which would have been a terrible idea. I am really happy about finding a good doctor. But I feel like she does not understand WD symptoms I go through after this psych drug nightmare. But nowadays I don't expect understanding from doctors, because they just don't understand how terrible these drugs are.

 

I also found a therapeutist who I can talk about trauma I have gone through when I ended up to hospital and was put on more drugs. I was polydrugged and there are no words how terrible was those feelings those drugs caused and the whole experience of psychiatric hospital. And people forcing other people to take drugs I am happy I have been able to talk about these things. I am also happy I have people and friends in my life who support me although I have lost many friends during my WD journey.

 

I try to eat healthy, avoid sugar and caffeine. I haven't eaten gluten for months which has helped me to feel better. I use D-vitamin, pure fish oil and probiotics. I feel like these supplements have helped me a bit to feel better. Maybe it is placebo but placebo can be very effective too I also use 0,5 mg of melatonin to help me sleep. I have learned my lessons and learned from my mistakes and be very careful with supplements.

 

I am not well and I do suffer from various symptoms every day but I try to take care of myself and try not to be too pessimistic. I want to believe I can heal from the damage these drugs have caused me although I think it can take a lot of time . I feel there maybe is some permanent damage these drugs have caused and drugs and this whole experience has changed me as a person. I am happy that I have proved to myself that I don't need psychiatric drugs to feel better although struggling off the drugs have been terrible. These drugs have made me worse, not better. One psychiatrists that I met said that I am not gonna be able to cope without drugs. I hope I can prove him wrong.

 

I know its not easy to get off this benzo but I hope I can do it. I know it is not gonna be easy.

[mammaP]

Thank you for the update Hennie, I am so glad that you are feeling better.  I'm also glad that you have found a doctor who is respectful of your taper and allows you to go at your own pace.  I would hold for a few weeks now you are feeling better to allow your brain to catch up. It is best to have some long holds when tapering, it avoids withdrawal ramping up again and sending us back to the beginning again.