savinggrace

[KarenB]

The time of the morning would suggest it is related to a cortisol spike.  I've observed in myself and here on SA is that people's bodies react to trauma (of any kind, including psych drug use/wd) in personal ways, often through their 'weak points.'  Mine is my ears, which get sore when I am cold, sad, tired, in w/d - whatever.  My husband's is his skin.  Yours may be your breathing.  So even if there is no particular thing to set off your breathing at the moment, your body is responding to the cortisol spike along a familiar pathway. 

 

Just a theory...

[savinggrace]

I think this is probably the most laudable explanation, though for this particular symptom, I don't find it any easier to live with. Pain, insomnia, fatigue, anxiety...way easier for me than shortness of breath. I try to assure myself that this, too, shall pass, and it usually does, but it has plagued me for many years now, coming and going for no particular reason.

 

Thanks for your input.

 

Grace

[savinggrace]

Always looking for opinions...

 

In the beginning of June, I decided to go on a indefinite hold.  I stood back, evaluated my situation and tried to make peace with a 3 month or longer hold.  It made sense to me, that if time heals the brain at the end of a taper, time heals the brain during a taper and I needed time.  I had cut about 30% of my drug load (from my high about 7 years ago)  After 35 years on p-drugs, maybe I needed a long hold now, and then I would be successful micro-tapering again.

 

So I have not made a cut since the end of May.  I stabilized.  In fact, I had almost a 2 week window.  I didn't feel normal, but I slept as well as I am able to (never great but markedly improved) and better than that, my IBS has gotten much, much better which has helped my whole GI system.  I have not been able to eat different foods, but I am able to eat more food than I was, and my IBS has continued to be better.  The other GI symptoms are also less.

 

However, after those two weeks, my sleep started to disintegrate again and I have had about a week of severely disruptive sleep....less than an hour at a time, "shocky chest pains" that wake me up constantly.  I am exhausted and fatigued and can feel myself getting  very depressed.

 

As anyone who reads my posts here knows, I tell everyone there is no answer for anyone but there are opinions.  I get exhausted trying to figure this all out.  I track my symptoms and patterns and the only thing I have figured out is that my IBS got markedly better and my sleep and energy were better after stabilizing for 2 weeks.  Now I am back down in the gutter, other than the IBS.

 

Am I having a wave in the midst of my holding?  Will a window come along sometime to indicate my brain really is doing its healing work despite the holding and the drugs still in my system? Are side effects from remeron and valium now rearing their ugly heads after cutting nearly a third of my trileptal which induces both drugs. (so they conceivably could be having a stronger effect on me now)  do I start tapering remeron now which will likely trigger IBS stuff which made me not eat?  Do I continue to hold and let my brain heal longer?

 

This is a lot of questions, I know.  I don't expect anyone to have answers on all of them, but maybe opinions on some of them.  In summary, can there be waves and windows in the middle of a long hold or does a window mean start tapering again now!  I was trying to give my brain a good long rest.

 

Thank you for hanging in there with this to anyone who does.  I, like many, feel like a hopeless case.  I hang around here to give hope to others but I have none for myself.  Sad but true.

 

Thank you,

Grace

[marie123]

Hi grace. Thanks for stopping by my thread earlier. It's crazy what these meds do to us with all of these issues and sensitivities. I think what may be happening is since you recently had a nice window you are now in a wave. I think maybe if you hold a few more weeks you will see a nice window open up again. This is what everyone talks about here, windows and waves. If I were you I would hold some more and see if you start feeling better again before you resume tapering. If nothing changes in a few weeks then I would resume tapering a small amount.

 

That's a very good thing that you were able to reduce your med load by 30%. I hope you feel better soon.

 

Marie

[savinggrace]

Thanks, Marie, for such a kind response. I know 30% in 7 years is pathetic by most standards, but I haven't wanted to "miss life" and I would have, had I gone any faster...3 sons' weddings, two grandsons births, a major move and renovation, and other precious moments which I try to be well enough for. Sometimes I beat myself up for not committing myself to being bed-ridden all this time, but then I would not have been "present" for any of these things. My presence is not anything near my normal self, but I am managing to hold on to life, and a few relationships, by a thread.

 

Yeah, I will probably wait a couple more weeks, and if no window, then proceed, though I have never been successful tapering, even micro-tapering, from an unstable place.

 

Big sigh...meanwhile I intend to make it my mission to get my son to get rid of his BRITA filter.

 

So glad you are hopeful again....

 

Grace

[marie123]

A 30% cut is not pathetic, it's a great thing in my opinion. I agree with you we must be able to live our lives going through withdrawal as much as we can. I certainly try and sometimes I have to push myself. Things will get easier the less and less meds we have floating around in our system.

 

Keep going Grace as slow as you need too. I hope you get a big, bright window soon.

 

Marie

[savinggrace]

Thanks, Marie. Nobody in my life understands like those here, even my husband who has lost so much because of me and never complains.

 

So happy things got better for you. This is all such a mystery, isn't it? Who would have thought it was your water!

 

Grace

[scallywag]

Grace, 30% reduction is worth celebrating, especially because you chose a slow pace to preserve your ability to engage in life -- being with your family at weddings, being active and well enough to celebrate the birth of two grandchildren.

 

Come on, that's beyond wonderful!

 

You'll get to the end point that works for you when you get there. You'll have as good a life as possible along the way.

[downtongirl]

I think you should be very proud of yourself....!!!

[savinggrace]

Thanks for the encouragement from all of you. I try not to compare myself to the rest of you, but it's human nature to do so. I appreciate the positive feedback a lot. Bless you all.

 

Grace

[downtongirl]

God Bless you too Grace!

[vetdoc]

Grace

I'm sorry that you are struggling so at this time.  You know I can identify with your struggle and pain, I have had a very similar journey as yours. 

There is no way to know when or why these drugs will wreak havoc on us, even in spite of long holds.  That is the insanity of getting off these meds,only  time will heal our brains.  Since there is no way to know how long it will take it can be a tortuous process at times, especially after a decent window and then we get slammed again out of nowhere.

 

I do think it's possible the fact that Valium and Remron are being metabolized faster due to  trileptal could be playing a part in this.  Basically you are tapering 3 drugs at once with every drop in trileptal.  It's impossible to really know how much  this effects your symptoms.  Certainly it would require longer holds with each drop of trileptal.   Sometimes I have to wonder how many of our symptoms are from withdrawal and how much are they side effects from the meds.  It's probably a combination  of both and may explain why we may still have symptoms even with holds.

 

I wish I could tell you why your long hold since May still hasn't allowed a complete stabilization.  I have had this happen as well and trying to figure it out will just lead to frustration and exhaustion.  The 2 week window was a good sign your brain is healing.  I know it's no consolation at this time when your feeling miserable. 

 

Insomnia will take it's toll on us.  I have had insomnia throughout my tapers and it can be brutal to our system.  I truly know how exhausting and depressing lack of sleep can be on us.  I don't know if you have tried melatonin it may help you some to fall asleep.  I have taken some anti histamine like doxyalamine once or twice a week when I got desperate. I know it's another drug, and probably taboo to mention it, but once or twice a week to get some sleep is a trade off.

 

Please try not to lose hope Grace, this is just a really bad time right now, but be assured this to shall pass.  When there is life there is hope, tomorrow the miracle can happen. I know you are a survivor, you have come this far and are still fighting.  I will pray for you grace

 

Peace

[savinggrace]

You are right, vetdoc...it is kind of like tapering three drugs at once. It is very hard to sort out. So confused. I get a lot of anxiety, like you do. I put on a brave front.

 

I had a better day today. I hope you did too. I really appreciate your encouraging words and will always be here to cheer you on!

 

Bless you,

Grace

[downtongirl]

How are you doing today saving grace?

[savinggrace]

Same withdrawal normal....thanks for asking. I read some of your thread, and plan to read more and will respond in a few days as I had some thoughts about your situation. I relate to you on a number of levels!

 

Hope the akathisia lets up soon.

 

Grace

[downtongirl]

do you think I have akathisia saving grace?

[savinggrace]

Oh, well, I thought you said you had it. Perhaps I misunderstood.

 

Grace

[JanCarol]

Hey Grace, it does sound like you are healing through your holding.

 

I've looked at what's happened since we last chatted, and found these:

My "toxic load" has been HUGE for over 35 years. 

 

Your town has some of the  highest PCB's in water in the country - please filter your water or drink bottled.

 

PCB's disrupt endocrines, especially hormones - causing infertility in young people, uneven development in breast & testicles, and god only knows what.  There were GE, Westinghouse and one other factory on the west side of the highway which manufactured refrigerators - and they just dumped the refrigerant chemicals, including PCB's all over the place.  It got into the water table.  Then, down by "clear creek" (ironically) the creek is so polluted that they don't recommend touching the water with your body.  It was a major superfund site - it may have had to do with oil storage or asbestos or some other 70's industrial chemical.  I worked for the company that "remediated" the site, but we only did the government minimum - there are still a lot of toxicology messes around that town.

 

Behind the animal shelter is a lake with a high fence around it and huge "keep out" signs.  That's because it's polluted beyond belief, not because it's anybody's private dam or water storage facility.

 

I've described all of these without naming roads - but I think you will understand where I am talking about.

 

Big sigh...meanwhile I intend to make it my mission to get my son to get rid of his BRITA filter.

 

Why? It's better than no filter at all.  When I looked at Consumer Reports (while I was living in that same town) and measured the cost/benefit - I was poor - but I could afford a Brita.  It is a basic carbon filter, helps with chlorine and a few biologicals, and might even thin the PCB's a bit (though I'm less sure about that).  

 

(after starting the Brita - I still had significant trouble from the unfiltered water in my shower and bath)

 

When I got a Brita here - because that was standard water procedure for me - hubby thought I was mad.  The water here was pure, it wasn't the industrial wasteland that I moved from, and he tolerated my eccentricities.  Then, during the drought, when the dams only had 2% water in them - yes, 2% - they had to use so much chlorine to treat the water that I could see and smell it in the water like I couldn't before.

 

They've left the chlorine the same, and added fluoride, so I've added another filter which uses clays and alumina to bind to the fluoride, but I still use the old Brita for the cat, for watering plants, filling the vaporizer, etc.  (the cat will not drink the "fancy clay treated" water, she looks at me like I've lost it, if I forget and use that pitcher instead of the Brita.  It may be a color thing, or not - maybe she's smarter than I think!).  The second pitcher is not highly rated, it's called a "Gentoo" but again, it's better than drinking straight out of the tap (and most bottled water is just tap water sold in packaging).

 

Nearly all the studies I've read said that Brita, or simple carbon filters, are good for most things.  And, in fact to Osmosis or alkalise.  your water runs the risk of stripping nutrients from your system.  Fine for "detox and purification" but not fine for all the time.

 

Maybe times have changed since I've studied water - I was just looking at a tap-based system which uses vitamin C to bind to all the bad chemicals in the water.  I'm having trouble selling hubby on the idea - he still thinks I'm a mad Yank who comes from a polluted land (but this land is far more polluted than it was when I moved here 14 years ago - and he is remembering the "pure streams and fresh milk" of his childhood).  So I stick to my pitchers.

 

More in a bit . . . I'm supposed to leave soon - so it may not be for another 6-7 hours or more.

[JanCarol]

On a funnier note - a friend of mine (in your town) bought a shower filter, for a fair price, from a catalogue. 

 

She didn't think much about it, was just looking for a basic carbon filter to get the worst of the nasties out of her shower.

 

When she got it, and read the paperwork with it, as far as she could tell, the filter had been treated in sunlight and the breath of angels and liquid crystal reflection or some such so that her showers would "bless" her with this fru-fru woo stuff.

 

She was shocked, as it was priced just like a normal carbon filter - and she is a scientist - so snort!  She returned the darned thing.  Buyer beware.

(no relevance, just a story.  carbon filters are not the worst you can buy.)

[downtongirl]

Hey Grace...I hope you had a good nights sleep how are you today?

[JanCarol]

Hey Grace - 

 

I wake up with shortness of breath; i feel as though I am suffocating.  Usually I have been having some sort of dream that is disturbing or I am actually suffocating and then I wake up.  Sometimes, if I prop myself up on pillows, and do some deep breathing, I can get it to go away.  Other times it lasts for many hours.

 

This could be so many things - do you have sleep apnea?

 

Shortness of breath is one of the reasons I started the anti-cascade of drugs.

 

I started with the cigarettes.  Nope, still short of breath.  Next went the statins, then the PPIs then the AD then the lithium, and yup.  I'm still short of breath, and have a thing I call "uncomfortable heartbeat."  It's not fast (pulse is only 110 or so), and it's not hard (no high BP), but it's BIG like my heart is all over my body beating, and up in my head, especially.

 

I can work really really hard and see slight improvement.  The cardio folks looked at me with their Aussie superfit bodies, "She's out of shape," their eyes said, as they saw me collapse on the treadmill.  All the cardio readings are fine - but I just don't have the stamina.

 

I keep trying to build it up, with exercise, gently.  I can now go through a whole yoga class, but sometimes I get to that "uncomfortable place."

 

The other possibility, Karen has discussed with you:

Is this those morning cortisol spikes I read about?  I have also been waking up around the same time (different episodes) with over-whelming nausea.  I am attributing this to my GI illness and/or reflux though I feel no reflux ever.  The nausea lasts for hours; sometimes all day.

 

It could be.  You can get 24 hour saliva test and find out for sure, or you can just bear with it.  These drugs really tie knots in our endocrine & nervous systems, and sometimes it takes awhile for those knots to come out.  When something is well knitted, it unravels easily - but when something is knotted a bunch of different ways, like these drugs do - it takes a lot of time to undo the knots.

 

So - I'm glad your IBS is better - but - sorry you have these new symptoms - but - this is so common in withdrawal, to go from one symptom to the next.  I can't remember if you have  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2390-dr-joseph-glenmullens-withdrawal-symptom-checklist/ the checklist of symptoms - but it's always good to check a new symptom against that first.

 

Often, you can find yourself saying, yes.  It's on the list.  And say to yourself, "It's just a symptom of withdrawal."  Sometimes, you may find that something is alarming enough to have it checked by someone else.

 

Lastly, you ask:

Am I having a wave in the midst of my holding?  Will a window come along sometime to indicate my brain really is doing its healing work despite the holding and the drugs still in my system? Are side effects from remeron and valium now rearing their ugly heads after cutting nearly a third of my trileptal which induces both drugs. (so they conceivably could be having a stronger effect on me now)  do I start tapering remeron now which will likely trigger IBS stuff which made me not eat?  Do I continue to hold and let my brain heal longer?

 

Yep.  Waves can come along with tapers, or they can come on their own.  They can come with triggers, or they can come on their own.

 

Waves come when:  you reduce, have a life stress, or - when there is something that your system is trying to heal.

 

My best way for dealing with waves is to think of them as healing.  "This system is down for repair," so I have cog-fog, or memory issues, or clumsy hands and fingers, or eye symptoms, or itchiness, or . . . . (see Glenmullen's list, there are many possibilities)  - and they change and morph and sometimes they are less and you think it's all better, then the same symptom (or a different one) will come back for more repairs.

 

Here in Australia, we call it "lucky dip."  In America it's more like the duck pond.  What will the symptoms be next?  Will they be big or small?  It is as individual as we are.

 

Saying it is "this" drug or "that" one is really hard to do.  Basically, does it feel like too much accelerator?  or brake?  trileptal & valium are brakes, remeron (dose and person dependant) can be either.  That might give you a clue.  Unless you are feeling too much brake, I'm still leaning towards trying to take the remeron down next.

 

But it looks like - with the benefits you've received from a hold so far - that another month of holding will do you no harm! 

 

I'm really really glad your IBS is better, so you think it was the hold that helped?  Stopping the acupuncture?  Ying really is excellent, if you are a tough cookie (and most people in withdrawal shouldn't subject themselves to aggressive treatment).  Finding SA?  Spending more time helping people?  All of these can be a help, and finding the things which lead you to feeling better is the key.

 

Take care, and keep cool!

[savinggrace]

Hi Jan Carol,

 

Thanks for taking the time to write all that. When we moved here, I was practically having an asthma attack every time I showered (heated chlorine) and I could smell chlorine in the tap water. In less than 3 months we got a whole house reverse osmosis system. There is more fluoride in this water than I would like but I don't drink or cook with it. I guess I am exposed to it when I shower, and I actually shower less (sponge baths) to reduce exposure that the r.o. can't. When we moved here, we bought an older home to keep off-gassing to a minimum, had a thorough mold inspection, and had an air cleaning system put on the furnace. We used the safest materials possible while renovating, choosing to refurbish the old cabinets (no VOC paint) and no other off-gassing materials when possible. I have had my share of nightmares with furniture; I'll

Share that sometime. So, yes, you are absolutely right. I need to be aware of reducing my toxic load wherever I can. The water here is a huge issue and part I. The problem is the lake it comes from. Two summers ago there was some kind of algae in the lake and we could smell it (or what they treated it with) when we used the regular tap water. If I were well, I would take this issue on (with the city) but I fought an environmental issue where I used to live and it was a losing battle as people choose to be in denial. We actually moved because of that.

 

Thank you for all those thoughts. Sounds like you think the holding is healing rather than hurting? I am have electric shock-like feelings all through the night. I take all my meds at night.

 

Please feel better before you respond more. I can wait.

 

Grace

[savinggrace]

Just saw the rest of your reply, Jan Carol. Thank you. Will respond later. I just did so and lost it all and I don't have time to re-write it

 

Have a good day.

 

Grace

[savinggrace]

Hi Jan Carol,

 

Boy, do I wish I knew for sure that this is a wave  in the midst of a long hold, and not the side effects of remeron and valium, and/or a change in drug interactions because of the 33% reduction of trileptal that has caused this.  I have never had a wave in the midst of a hold before.  I felt so good for two weeks and then, bam!  If I knew this was healing, and not hurting, it would help a lot. It's so different than when you are free of the drug.  You know it is a wave from being off the drug.  I just don't read about windows and waves during long holds because not very many people do them. 

 

Honestly, I deal with all the withdrawal symptoms fairly well, except the  sleep-related ones.  I have a lot of body pain, GI issues, depression, chemical sensitivities and some anxiety but I am pretty good at just living with all of  it.  IT is the lack of ANY quality sleep that brings me down.  That has always been the case, and it is always why I have to slow down or stop tapering....once my sleep disintegrates to where it is now, I become completely dysfunctional and dangerously depressed.

 

Shortness of breath is a problem that is rare for me, but still happens,  because I absolutely refuse to take any other drugs or supplements.  Anything "foreign" to my hyper-sensitive body gives me shortness of breath....even a few dabs of an anti-inflammatory cream did it.  I have not put a prescription drug, other than my p-drugs, in my body in 4 years.  I go through nasty sinus infections and a pretty serious flu 3 years ago with nothing; just natural remedies.  So like you, the shortness of breath was my first cue that I needed to get off these drugs.  Once in a while I still get it upon early morning wakening, and it frightens me because I don't know why it is happening.

 

So as far as what the next step for me is, the million dollar question for me is the remeron sedating or activating?  After being on it nearly 15 years, and 20 years of amitriptyline before that (very similar drugs) I wonder if it has turned into an activating drug for me even at a  low dose of 4 mg.  If it is activating, then of course remeron is what I should taper next, though I am quite worried because I am a very allergic person (since birth) and I do believe I get some anti-histamine benefit from the remeron.  I am not particularly interested in replacing it with some other anti-histamine w/ a lot of unknowns.  I fear that my allergies and tendency towards serious sinus infections would make me really sick. (I had 3 sinus surgeries as the result of polyps, allergies, etc in the mid-90's)  I manage to keep sinus infections under control with nasal irrigation and allergies under control with environmental measures. (20 years of shots did not help)

 

I just shudder to think that I am hurting myself more with this hold.  I keep telling myself my brain is remodeling and getting ready to do some more hard work, but then I feel worse some days than when I started the hold and I wonder if I am doing the right thing.

 

Vetdoc said a week or so ago that while tapering trileptal I am essentially tapering 3 drugs as trileptal induces the clearance of the other two.  That gave me a lot to think about as well...it feels like I might be tapering 3, but the reality is I am only getting one out of my system.

 

I am sure you are worn out by all this.  It wears me out, that's for sure.  I try to give myself permission to ruminate on what to do next, and/or the what if"s,  for a defined amount of time each day, and then distract, distract, distract...but then I get so fatigued I can't even distract and I start to worry non-stop.

 

Thanks for listening and if anyone has any thoughts or opinions on my situation I appreciate hearing them.

 

I have come to be very fond of many people here and I am very grateful to be part of SA.

 

Can I just indulge myself to say that I just found out we are expecting a grandDAUGHTER?  I have 3 sons, and 2 grandsons, so a girl is very exciting!!  I just might have come home with a bagful of sweet little baby girl things today....I wish everyone had grandchildren...they are elixirs for my heart and balm for my soul.  They give me a reason to want to live.

 

Grace

[savinggrace]

I forget to say THANK YOU, Jan Carol, for teaching me how to auto-save!!!  I can't tell you how many posts I have re-written in these last months because I strayed away and never saw this in the bottom of the reply box...seems clear as day right now.  I suspect this doesn't happen while using a smartphone?

 

Grace

[marie123]

Oh that's great news. Congrats for your granddaughter coming soon. Someday I hope to have grandchildren, it will be a long time since my children are still in the dating phase.

 

Be well.

 

Marie

[savinggrace]

Thanks. How's the trazadone tapering going?

[savinggrace]

Thanks, Scalliwag...it was a tad demoralizing, but I understand your thinking.

 

Grace

[scallywag]

I understand, Grace. 'twasn't a problem.

[marie123]

Hi Grace. I get that shortness of breath once in a while. I could be just breathing regularly and then I involuntarily take a deep breath. I can hear it it's so loud. I wonder why I do that?

 

I'm holding still on the 1.3 Traz until the summer's over at least. I got a new problem-sciatica that I am dealing with now.

 

Here's something funny. I went to the doc because of the pain in my leg/butt. I mentioned at the end of visit that I was still on a 1.3 dose and said to him, "Apparently I'm sensitive". I said after the summer I would taper and hopefully get off of Traz.

 

He said, "I know you will." Thanks doc for helping me along the way. He refused to give me a compound script, offered no advise except to taper off in a couple weeks skipping days, told me to reinstate at a high dose, etc. When I told him I was cutting the med with a razor he gave me a dirty look. WTF. Sorry for the rant.

 

Be well.

 

Marie

[JanCarol]

Oh Marie!  I hear you!

 

When you do that for some reason they think you are snorting it for fun or something!  I told one doctor that I cut my sinus tabs into 1/8ths and he put his hand up and said, "I don't want to know what you do with them!"  Geez!

 

I've been thinking about your conundrum Grace, and this is the best I can do:

 

Maybe it's not such a big deal?  

 

Maybe whichever drug you cut next will be the best one to cut.  I'm thinking the Remeron could still be a brake, but I think we won't know for sure until you get out from under the trileptol - but maybe the trileptol is getting so hard that a tiny cut of remeron could be helpful?

 

This may sound weird, but how about an intuitive approach?

 

Put the tablets out in front of you.  Close your eyes.  Spend a few moments in silence, breathing, getting in touch with your body.   Breathe and do a body scan, feel your left big toe, your right eyebrow, your left eyelid, you right pinky finger - all the little places and breathe into them.

 

Then open your eyes.  Look at the tablets.  Is one more repulsive than the other?  More attractive?  Does one seem more helpful or harmful than the other?  See if you can trust your intuition.

 

If you want affirmation, you can do a kinesiology exercise with them.  

 

With empty hands, hold your dominant arm out, and have your husband press gently on your arm and resist (have him say, "Be strong, Grace*" when he does this).  Then, say something which is true, like "My name is..." and have him press gently on your arm.  Feel how you are able to resist his press.   THEN, say something false, like, "my name is Ralph" and have him press on your arm (as he says, "Be Strong Grace,").  Feel the difference.

 

* well, your real name, anyway.

 

Always take a nice, slow, deep breath in between each "test."

 

Next, take a supplement which you know to be good for you - like magnesium.  Hold it in your "weak" or receptive hand, and do the exercise on your dominant arm ("be strong, Grace").  Next, set down the magnesium, take a breath, and pick up the trileptal.  ("Be Strong, Grace" as he presses down.)  Take a breath, and "test" the remeron.

 

Do they feel equally good?  Equally bad?  What is the difference in feeling? This is a modification of the "Psych-K" testing from Rob Williams, as used in the Biology of Belief (book by Bruce Lipton) videos.  I am not a trained Psych-K practitioner, and neither is your husband - but you might be able to get some intuitive information this way to guide you when you feel lost.

 

THIS IS ALL AN EXPERIMENT, but it is an experiment which involves YOU and your FEELINGS that you may not be in touch with - your body will respond to your feelings when your conscious mind spends its time in rumination and difficulty making decisions.  I'm hoping that maybe your body, when asked directly, might tell you which way is best.  You may not get any information, or it may be clear as a bell.   Either way, it can't hurt to try?

 

At best, this is not a critical decision, and you may be able to understand from these two intuitive tests.  At worst, it is only a small 5% taper, (I'm guessing, since you've gone slowly in the past, you are looking at a microtaper here), and you've survived that before.

 

Let me know your thoughts and feelings, and see if this intuitive method brings anything new to light for you.

[savinggrace]

Thanks, Jan Carol.

 

I did about 12 sessions of kinesiology and even took a weekend class in it.  It didn't really work for me.  The kinesiologist wanted to help me in the worst way, but honestly, with everything, traditional and alternative that I have tried over the years, the drugs get in the way of it working inevitably. (Reiki, healing touch, one on one yoga, massage, tai chi, acupuncture, hypnosis....you name it, I tried it) not to mention the 8 (yes 8) sessions I had of ECT 13 years ago that help 80% of people, but only served to traumatize me. You are not supposed to remember anything from ECT and I remember everything (smells, surroundings, procedure) except the actual seizure part of course.  My theory that the drugs interfere w/ everything, and unless/until I get them out of my body, nothing is really going to work, other than living a good, clean, and as healthy as possible lifestyle.

 

No one has the answer for me.  I guess I am going to find out the way I find everything else out...I just want to remain functional while doing so.  My husband and I babysat our almost 3 year old grandson last night (we usually see him during the day as he lives a distance away)  Putting him to bed was 20 minutes of sweetness that I have lived my whole life for.  It actually made me glad to be alive.  I have another grandchild coming, and by George, I want to be present!  I do not want to become confined to a bed.

 

Thanks for all the suggestions.  I really do appreciate your thoughts.  In the end, I guess, it's anybody's guess. My withdrawal while holding seems to be abating some, so hopefully in a month, I will start tapering something again.

 

Peace and blessings,

Grace

[downtongirl]

So glad you had that 20 minutes of sweetness with your grandson last night grace!

[savinggrace]

I often think that the more difficulties we endure in life, the more we are blessed with the ability to truly appreciate the little things...the things that matter.

 

Last night...those 20 minutes...I was choking back tears of gratitude that I was well enough to experience it.  All this struggling I do to stay in the game, and remain functional is totally worth moments like that. 

 

I just logged on downton girl, so I don't know how you are doing today, but I will read now, and hope you are even a tad better.

 

Grace

[AliG]

Those moments with your grandson were priceless, Grace. You are absolutely right - it's totally worth it . Gratitude is key , and I think this whole process embodies that and reminds us of what is important in life . Maybe, that is the lesson in all of this . I'm so glad that you had a moment to remind you.

Ali

[savinggrace]

Thanks, Ali...I like your signature quote...sums it up quite nicely.  Lot of pain was burned out last night.

 

Grace