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CaptainJackSparrow

How do i escape my mother?

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CaptainJackSparrow

I don't know if I'm going crazy or what, she won't leave me alone, I just want to imagine a life where she isn't calling me and checking up on me anymore, i feel like I'm living in a nightmare. Do i just pack up and move somewhere, hope she doesn't find me? I don't know what to believe anymore. This sucks. 

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Martina23

Hi, I have also very intolerable mother. How old are you? If you are more than 18, I would just move and inform her that now I am living somewhere else and with your mobile phone you can control if you want to speak with her or not, when not, just dont pick up the phone.

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sarabb

Tell her or write to her that you dont want to see her anymore. She has no right to see you if you dont want too. Is she dont want to leave you alone, tell the police. Its illegal to keep stalking someone that dont want to see you

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Marsha

You only have one mother. Someday she will be gone. My mother as a nurse was regularly instructed to disperse neuroleptics, Z-drugs, trazodone and other psych drugs to the elderly in a nursing home that I worked at as a teen. I witnessed what I now know to be tardive diskensia and akathisia. Why did she not ever warn me about psych drugs? But I forgive her. She is very eccentric and opinionated. But she gave birth to me and I love her with all my heart and show her the respect she deserves.

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Julestheboy

Hi, what's the issue here? Is she just over barring but coming from a place of love maybe? Or has she always hounded you ?

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Martina23

You only have one mother. Someday she will be gone. My mother as a nurse was regularly instructed to disperse neuroleptics, Z-drugs, trazodone and other psych drugs to the elderly in a nursing home that I worked at as a teen. I witnessed what I now know to be tardive diskensia and akathisia. Why did she not ever warn me about psych drugs? But I forgive her. She is very eccentric and opinionated. But she gave birth to me and I love her with all my heart and show her the respect she deserves.

Marsha, good perspective. I now imagine, that now from the last will I will come off Lyrica and when I am old they push me to the nursing home and medicate me like candies. The good news by it is that maybe when we are so medicated, we would not feel it and therefore no one would complain.

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brassmonkey

Setting personal boundaries is very important in all aspects of life.  Even though she's your mother there needs to be a certain space or personal respect to keep the relationship healthy. This space needs to be established from your side and insisted upon.  It may hurt her feelings at first, but it leads to a stronger healthier relationship in the long run.  In my case the space ended up being 1700 miles, but that's a different story.

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Altostrata

If all she's doing is phoning you, ask her to phone only once a week (or month, depending on your tolerance) unless there is a true emergency.

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Junglechicken

We had to do this with my MIL (living in the UK when we were in Canada) who insisted on us being available to her weekly at the weekends for a 2hr phone call so that we couldn't go anywhere.

 

The whole morning was gone every weekend because of these phone calls.

 

It seemed to us that she was trying to gain control over us; and so some boundaries had to be set.

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Canadian123

I've an extreme case of a mother that won't leave me alone. I say extreme, because she's always been very abusive emotionally, very angry and very manipulative.

 

I stopped talking to her 15 years ago - for a period of 3 years - despite my father and my brother pressuring me to talk to her again.

 

When packing my bag to leave my home country, I stayed at my grandma's who I thought was on my side, because I wanted to store stuff. I had a Paroxetine WD right there and then, stayed in bed for 2 weeks and she called my mother although she knew I didn't want to see her and our relationship resumed - phone calls, check-ins and don't do this or that... 

 

Fast forward: I've established myself here and have my citizenship and I've to cut the entire family off because they are all trying to pull me back into the dysfunctional family system through social media, skype, whatsapp and whatever. Being in this type of relationship with my mother perpetuates my depression, so I have to make this decision because I need to save my health first.

 

My advice: if your mother is truly abusive and doesn't respect your boundaries, cut her out of your life, the sooner, the better: it's not a matter of good or bad, it's a matter of the price you have to pay to save your mental health. Otherwise, your life will just be in reaction to / or compliance with your mother's demand. If your family sides with your mother, you will also need to cut them off: family often functions as a system.

 

In my experience, it's absolutely heart-wrenching because of the relationship we all have or wish we have with our mothers and in my case, with the rest of my family, grandmothers included. Society and religion make it even more difficult on us by the guilt they make us feel for not 'honoring our parents'. It's also difficult when you've a severe depression because of her, since it can prevent you from accessing the resources you need to pull it off, namely find a job and find love and support.

 

I lost 10 years by making the mistake of not cutting off the rest of the family, and now I'm again in the situation (instead of having moved on that is) - though I haven't talked to her in just one month and have no intention of talking to them again. I wish I had the courage to do all of that earlier in my life that's why I say that the earlier you do it the better, and if you fail, well, you have time to attempt it again.

 

I'm now in a situation where I still have some work to do to finish turning my life into something that looks like me - a creative gay man - and not the life that she wanted for me - a conservative Christian family man...

 

I recommend that you read 'Toxic Parents' from Susan Forward.

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