Jump to content
SurvivingAntidepressants.org is temporarily closed to new registrations until 1 April ×

Overwhelmed, demotivated, apathetic? Cannot get going on interest or action


Barbarannamated

Recommended Posts

You ALL rock!!

 

Clarification: I may have used 'brain imaging' improperly in my earlier post. I was thinking of structural brain imaging as is done w Alzheimer's as opposed to functional imaging showing areas that light up w theoretical activity/stimulation.

A

RE: PEER PROGRAMS. Interesting that you brought this up, Alex. I have a good friend who is a peer, but has never been hospitallized or medicated. I've argued w him, asking how he can truly be a 'peer' when he has not experienced those essential components that, to me, define what a peer is. He has had therapy for depression and was recommended by his therapist for the program. He is a ''creative genius" who learned to dodge the MH system early on. It is EXTREMELY difficult for me to hear of the people he works with and all of the meds they are on. He has to tread lightly, but does attempt to get them thinking toward alternatives. I've talked to or read about other peers who have an alternative approach and have started facilities for alternatives to hospitalization/meds.

 

'Neurohormone' should be required terminology in place of neurotransmitter. It keeps the brain connected to the rest of the body in a way.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

"PS: I think the anhedonic effects of SSRIs is a major contributing factor to the obesity/diabetes problem in this country. It stands to reason that if the med you've been on for years (decades!) makes you sluggish and dull, you're not exactly going to have the motivation to exercise or eat well. In fact, you may binge on junk food as that's the only "pleasure" you have left in your life. When you factor this in with the effects of antipsychotics which DIRECTLY cause obesity and diabetes and you factor in how many Americans are on this stuff, the obesity epidemic suddenly has a frightening new contributing factor. Yikes!"

 

That's me... sad but true, for the reasons you suggest above. I have to reread this thread tonight... which is one of the best I've seen, and most definitely all about me!

 

 

Charter Member 2011

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

GRRRRR...

 

Just had to check in on this thread again...having the amotivational problem today, bad. It's like there's a wall between me and the world out there--not really in a DP/DR kind of way, but in a motivation kind of way. Like, okay, it's there, sure, if I did these things it would make my life easier and more fun, but there's something weighing me down and I just can't move and I just can't really care either.

 

Man, I love psych meds. Sure have improved MY life.

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Administrator

Yeah, me too. My tiny apartment is a mess. I have a list a mile long of things to do can't get motivated to put time into doing them.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Alto, the way I see it, you have taken on a much greater purpose....helping all of us! Your diligence and passion is amazing. Your apartment is a minor symptom of a purpose-filled life.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Alto, the way I see it, you have taken on a much greater purpose....helping all of us! Your diligence and passion is amazing. Your apartment is a minor symptom of a purpose-filled life.

 

What a nice thing to say!

 

What's a tidy apartment going to do for us in the long run, anyway?!

 

 

Charter Member 2011

Link to comment
Share on other sites

""Man, I love psych meds. Sure have improved MY life.""

 

Yeah, they have improved my life just like fleas help cats and dogs. What would we do without these meds that are so life saving?

 

Anyway, back to the topic - I am trying out an outlining software program again to see if that can at least provide reminders that I will pay attention to. I find that if I can at least get a few tasks done, that may provide the possible incentive and motivation to try to do more things.

 

Stay tuned. I am not ready to say I have found the magical elixir.

 

CS

Drug cocktail 1995 - 2010
Started taper of Adderall, Wellbutrin XL, Remeron, and Doxepin in 2006
Finished taper on June 10, 2010

Temazepam on a PRN basis approximately twice a month - 2014 to 2016

Beginning in 2017 - Consumption increased to about two times per week

April 2017 - Increased to taking it full time for insomnia

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Administrator

Thanks for that kind comment, Bar. And thanks for your contributions here. Sometimes this purpose is overwhelming!

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Altostrata wrote :

"Thanks for that kind comment, Bar. And thanks for your contributions here. Sometimes this purpose is overwhelming!"

 

More to come. Your passion, commitment, and organization AMAZE me! It's intimidating to think of what you were like before being dulled by ADs.

RE: clean apartment.... it helps b/c you won't be burdened by the guilt that you 'should' clean your apartment, thereby freeing up ASneurospace for US! All about helping others, ya see ;)

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderator Emeritus

 

 

I predict you're going to be surprised to find how deep the hooey goes when it comes to psychiatry handbooks.

 

I have to agree with Alto on this one and generally ditto her grain of salt alerts. Once you start reading on the neuroscience end of things (helps to know a little about cell biology and biochemistry) you see that the brain is HUGELY--there are no words for how hugely--more complex than the cartoonish ways it's talked about in medical textbooks. And the neuroscience, although growing by leaps and bounds daily, is still pretty primitive.

 

It also helps if you read back over some science history and see how people have always talked about science as if they knew the whole story, until 20 years later when all of a sudden OOPS and the paradigm changes completely.

 

Our level of knowledge about the brain is about like our level of knowledge about astronomy and the universe when we just started to realize that our sun was a star like the stars in the sky. We have a ways to go. I personally am of the opinion that meanwhile, it might be wise not to screw with brain chemistry...But then, that's how I ended up here. I bought it. Who knew?

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 6 months later...

Well, I can see it's been about six months since anyone commented on this, but since I just joined, I'm going to pretend it was written just for ME! :lol:

 

I have had this and totally, completely relate to Barbara. I have spent a lifetime being "The Planner," not just for myself and my family, but huge groups, organized fundraisers, ran hotels and restaurants and theaters, you name it!

 

Now, just in the last month or two of tapering and then stopping all meds, I'm amazed by the disconnect I'm experiencing. I find it hard to follow through on the most simple things -- it's not that I forget them, I just don't want to follow through. I lose interest. And then I feel guilty and beat myself up. And never for a moment did I think it was a withdrawal symptom.

 

So a big thank-you for posting.

Blue Heron

11 Years on Lexapro/Celexa, Tapered Using Wellbutrin, Medication-Free April 2012.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderator Emeritus

Thanks for bumping this up Heron.

 

So here's a sort of hopeful thing that happened to me: Recently I had to hold my taper for a long time, about six weeks, because of some stressful and busy life events. I enjoyed a lovely spell towards the end of the hold and the first week of tapering again, of feeling really good, grounded, hopeful, etc. And during that time I found that I was actually motivated--and organized enough --to make plans and get out and do things. I did a little volunteer project, connected with someone I had been wanting to make friends with, got out and got a massage--nothing major but more than I had been able to do before.

 

Now I'm back in withdrawal and starting to have the amotivation crap again. As well as the other crappiness. Including those neuro-emotions of shame and isolation.

 

Periodically I have to hold my taper for various reasons, sometimes just withdrawal symptoms that don't seem to go away, sometimes life events that I need to be able to cope with, and so far every time I've held for six weeks or so I've enjoyed one of these lovely windows. This gives me hope for the eventual future down the road when I'm finally done with this withdrawal process. Presuming I'm done while I still have time for some living.

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is totally what I do. I've decided not to feel bad about it and just wait out my withdrawals. I do what I can do, and that's pretty much it. I never go anywhere. I'm starting to get out walking more now. So things are starting to look up. But yeah, just give yourself a break and know that we'll heal from this and get our lives and motivation back in time.

Taper from Cymbalta, Paxil, Prozac & Antipsychotics finished June 2012.

Xanax 5% Taper - (8/12 - .5 mg) - (9/12 - .45) - (10/12 - .43) - (11/12 - .41) - (12/12 - .38)

My Paxil Website

My Intro

Link to comment
Share on other sites

GRRRRR...

 

Just had to check in on this thread again...having the amotivational problem today, bad. It's like there's a wall between me and the world out there--not really in a DP/DR kind of way, but in a motivation kind of way. Like, okay, it's there, sure, if I did these things it would make my life easier and more fun, but there's something weighing me down and I just can't move and I just can't really care either.

 

Man, I love psych meds. Sure have improved MY life.

 

Same here. I haven't had the energy to do anything for the past month. Case in point: I go through my email and the web every day trying to find work. I'm now of the attitude "Why Bother?" I haven't worked in my profession in 10 years, No other profession piques my interest, I don't have the money for training, My age works against me, and, the latest, A good many employers have told me not to bother applying since I've been out of work for so long (something I really don't understand). My brothers have flat out called me a liar and a lazy m******f***** who doesn't deserve to live. WHEN DOES THE B******* END?

History:

1995--Prozac--Quit CT by GP

1995--Effexor--Quit per my GP

1996--Amitriphene--Quit CT when changed GP

2005--Citalopram and BusPar. Prescribed when I decompensated in my GP's office. GP referred me to behavior health. Psychiatrist prescibed these drugs. Taken off citalopram in 2011 due to FDA warning. Quit Buspar during transition to viibryd.

Viibryd--2011 to present. Had a severe reaction in March 2012. Advised both GP and Psychiatrist I was trying to get off these drugs.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Another reason to not bother finding work: if they find out you have ANY medical condition (and nowadays, it's easy to find out, DESPITE HPPA laws to the contrary) kiss the job goodbye, that is, if you haven't been selected against by an online job application system that requires you to complete an application profile, which is usually rigged to reject almost everybody.

History:

1995--Prozac--Quit CT by GP

1995--Effexor--Quit per my GP

1996--Amitriphene--Quit CT when changed GP

2005--Citalopram and BusPar. Prescribed when I decompensated in my GP's office. GP referred me to behavior health. Psychiatrist prescibed these drugs. Taken off citalopram in 2011 due to FDA warning. Quit Buspar during transition to viibryd.

Viibryd--2011 to present. Had a severe reaction in March 2012. Advised both GP and Psychiatrist I was trying to get off these drugs.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Love the requirement 'you must be currently employed to qualify for this position.' So motivating. :(

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

This has gotten far worse. I can speculate on all of the life issues contributing, but wonder what of this is biochemical or part of the 1 year point I've heard of. My energy/motivation/ability to anticipate the slightest reward or pleasure is at all time low.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Barb isn't the biochemical part the basic underlying issue? You are on medications and have tapered off some, so that's a huge chemical part.

 

And yes, there are the emotional portions which are not a positive contribution to feeling well.

 

Barb I think everyone on this site regardless of the drugs we are taking is totally in a chemical bind.

 

I look at myself and believe that if I were not having issues with Celexa I would feel so much better mentally. If I were at my goal in life, mentally & emotionally I would feel so much bette. However, if I were at my goal, I would still be dealing with the chemical aspects brought on by tapering.

 

Barb when I was tapering lexapro, I was divorced, happy I was divorced, in a good job that I really liked, plenty of money, good friends, my mother was younger and healthier, etc. Life was good. I was a total wreck. I could not see the good in anything, and on certain days I wanted to die. Why, because I was a chemical train wreck.

 

You have had your share of health issues and drug cocktails. It takes a toll. One the drug situation has resolved, everything else will be so much more manageable.

 

Lots of Hugs

Intro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1902-nikki-hi-my-rundown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks, Nikki. I need to hear others' experiences because I have nothing that feels remotely positive to balance me. The silence is deafening, so to speak.

And, yes, the autoimmune endocrine/possible Lupus has been eroding my immune system for years unchecked. Hard to sort out what's what. This time of year is my worst - similar to going into winter months and hibernation for the cold weather folks.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

GRRRRR...

Just had to check in on this thread again...having the amotivational problem today, bad. It's like there's a wall between me and the world out there--not really in a DP/DR kind of way, but in a motivation kind of way. Like, okay, it's there, sure, if I did these things it would make my life easier and more fun, but there's something weighing me down and I just can't move and I just can't really care either.

 

Man, I love psych meds. Sure have improved MY life.

 

Rhi, this statement sums it up. I realized I can't anticipate anything, good or bad. Not anticipating "bad" seems good at the surface, but somewhere in the recesses of this mind, I know there will be ramifications. I just can't connect with any emotion, even worry. I'm emoted out.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Barb a friend who recently moved back to Maine from Jupiter was on 50mgs. Zoloft and a larger dose of Trazadone. She couldn't get moving and was down. Sweet girl, very caring person, she could help others, but she couldn't get herself moving and never felt up.

 

I felt the Trazadone was what was making her feel this way. After she moved this spring, seh got off both Zoloft & Trazadone and has never felt better. She is looking after her elderly father and she is not depressed.

 

I read our signature again and was wondering if this resonates with you. Trazadone is a downer.

 

Hugs

Intro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1902-nikki-hi-my-rundown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Very possible, Nikki. Klonopin and trazodone could both be contributing.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As others have said, this is a fascinating thread. I am especially thrilled to see Neitsche pop up not once but twice. Although I have to admit I've always had trouble reading him...

 

Two things that touch on topics raised.

 

On emotional anaesthesia, I had a remarkable contrary experience several weeks ago. For the first time ever I had and remembered what was clearly a very vivid color dream. It was from a place that was very important to my childhood and well into adulthood. The colors were extaordinary, powerful, joyfull. I woke up and for several hours experienced a truly organic sense of motivation; not, "oh, well I must do x, y, z now," but just from a deep inner space there was motion, intention, volition. It was very clear that feeling was driving it.

 

So, for me, it was a very clear sign of the relationships discussed early in this thread. I also subsequently find that when I feel low I don't quite "hear" music entirely, not in its richness. Sometimes if I sing, things look up. I'm considering adding some chanting to my meditation practice.

 

Both related to all that and to the discussion of the healthy importance of "negative" emotions, Richard Davidson at U. Wisconsin, Madison has done fascinating research on the relationship of compassion to overall well being, and how it can be enhanced or cultivated. Basically, the Dalai Lama sends his senior monks to the lab in Madison. They do brain scans when these guys are meditating, especially Tibetan visualizations and exercizes focused on compassion. They actually induce pain--I think it's heat placed on the arm. These guys are not so much bothered by the pain, since they perceive it within a compassionate framework--not just for others, but for themselves.

 

There's more to it, and one of the bottom lines is that compassion is perhaps the key to making "negative" feelings, including emotions, constructive...or something like that. I forget the exact link, but believe there was something pretty clear about compassion being an element of overall mental well-being. Which is rather the opposite of the "negative emotions are bad for you" thing, which suggests you should run away fast.

 

Not that compassion is negative, but perhaps a bridge that ties the two zones (pain/pleasure, sorrow/joy, etc.) together in a constructive way that makes for a "whole" integrated psyche. I have to admit that several years of meditation have not seemed to have too great an impact for me. But. I have recently, doing tonglen practice--which I just couldn't get ANY traction with for the longest time--started to be able to generate or release emotional states at times. The idea is to generate compassion... for me, right now, it tends to be more deep sadness and grief, but I think that may be the starting point. And occasionally, just a little whiff of something lighter, more positive, maybe a little conversion to compassion for myself and others. So it ain't easy and it don't happen quick for a tough nut to crack like me (and I've also had some help from...ahem...psychedelics, both the experience and cautions regarding you can read about elsewhere), but there are things to work with. Cheers, and thanks to all you thoughtful, savvy...compassionate...people for such good reading.

1994-2009 50-100 mg Zoloft (plus tried Effexor, Lexapro, Wellbutrin at times)
5/'09-7/'09 taper off Zoloft
7/'09-12/'09 no zoloft, rough times after ~ 2 mos.
1/'10-6/'10 50 mg zoloft
6/'10-1/'11 slow taper
2/'11-7/'11 off entirely, ok for 2-3 mos., then rough
7/'11-9/'11 50 mg
9/15/'11 - 11/15/'11 taper off
11/15/'11 - 2/'11 clean, doing well but with some PSSD
2/'11 - 6/'11 depression creeps back, fairly significant by May.

6/'14 (long time...!)  life is good, full recovery, at least in terms of SSRI addiction.  Still digging out from the social and professional hole that it all left me in, but despite the loss of far too many years to this business I'm basically doing pretty well.  Still some depression at times, even severe on occasion, but clearly related to past trauma and current circumstances, all things that I am continuing to work through and work on.  I'd say it took at least six months and perhaps a year to fully get back to normal (neuro-psychologically and sexually) after the last dose in 2011.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi, enuf--I've done some tonglen and it's a powerful practice. Working with some other stuff right now but in a way once you do tonglen it becomes part of you forever, I think.

 

Barb: "I realized I can't anticipate anything, good or bad. Not anticipating "bad" seems good at the surface, but somewhere in the recesses of this mind, I know there will be ramifications."

 

That describes it well. My daughter's getting married this week, and there's a four-day campout involved, and I'm trying to pack the car, but it's so hard, when I just feel like "who cares?" And I've needed for two years to get some work done on my teeth, and I need to get dentures, and same thing. And same thing for the condition of my house and housekeeping. I just don't seem to be able to care enough to get it done.

 

It's really driving me nuts today, so I'm glad this thread has been bumped.

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi, enuf--I've done some tonglen and it's a powerful practice. Working with some other stuff right now but in a way once you do tonglen it becomes part of you forever, I think.

 

Barb: "I realized I can't anticipate anything, good or bad. Not anticipating "bad" seems good at the surface, but somewhere in the recesses of this mind, I know there will be ramifications."

 

That describes it well. My daughter's getting married this week, and there's a four-day campout involved, and I'm trying to pack the car, but it's so hard, when I just feel like "who cares?" And I've needed for two years to get some work done on my teeth, and I need to get dentures, and same thing. And same thing for the condition of my house and housekeeping. I just don't seem to be able to care enough to get it done.

It's really driving me nuts today, so I'm glad this thread has been bumped.

 

I want to add APATHY to this discussion. There's much overlap, I realize.

 

I think the hallmark and root is a complete inability to *see* any future, good or bad.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderator Emeritus

I'm so glad to find this thread. I recently wrote in my intro that I've been sleeping a lot and not feeling very motivated, not realizing that this is also due to withdrawal. On the one hand I'm frustrated that I'm not ready to write my recovery story just yet, but on the other, at least I can quit beating up on myself for not accomplishing much of anything. Now I can just be apathetic and exasperated at how long withdrawal is taking. This phase has been going on for over two months and I hate it.

 

It isn't helping that the area where I live is just about burned to a crisp. It used to be soothing to go out and weed the garden and look at the growing green things, but the drought has really stunted my garden's growth. Some of the prettiest vegetables, such as squash, haven't even germinated let alone gotten big enough to flower. There's no way I can pull weeds out of this hard, red clay soil without moisture, so all I can do is remember to water the plants that are surviving. The heat is making going anywhere unappealing as well. Nothing like getting into a baking hot car after an hour or two of being out and about.

 

This morning was the second Sunday that I got up early enough for church and then just couldn't bring myself to go. I think it would do me good to get back in the habit, but so far I've not been able to force it. My church friends don't understand what I'm going through and I don't look forward to talking about it. I guess, irrationally, I feel some shame about it, as if I were responsible for being poisoned with Lipitor, and then Lexapro.

 

Things never turn out the way you think they will, do they? I never dreamed I'd spend my first year of retirement in withdrawal from a prescription drug. :(

 

Someone please reassure me that this too shall pass!

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jemima,

 

This is the toughest one for me and such a strange "crash" after the "anxiety/overdrive phase". Just when I got used to trying to calm down, I went the other direction and NEED that surplus of energy. You are having the kind of summer I'm usd to and DREAD. 100°+ months of dead, scorched earth. A tinder box. I miss the green summers back east. Green is alive. Miserable just living inside with air conditioning.

 

Can you give the church ladies a simplified Readers Digest version? I say that as I still search for the "understandable medical explanation". I tell people that a new doc figured out that I was getting wrong medications for many years... immune system... fatigued. I will not use the term "depression". I refuse to spread that fallacy any longer.

 

It will resolve. I am recovering from many more years plus endocrine failure.

 

Several people have hit this wall recently. I wonder if it may be seasonal in some way.

 

BTW, father in law has been going downhill. Very lethargic, losing weight, etc. Just learned today he's on simvastatin. Classic statin reaction.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderator Emeritus

Jemima,

 

This is the toughest one for me and such a strange "crash" after the "anxiety/overdrive phase". Just when I got used to trying to calm down, I went the other direction and NEED that surplus of energy. You are having the kind of summer I'm used to and DREAD. 100°+ months of dead, scorched earth. A tinder box. I miss the green summers back east. Green is alive. Miserable just living inside with air conditioning.

 

Unfortunately, this *is* back East. This is even worse than a bad, snowy winter. The heat and drought are just not letting up.

 

Can you give the church ladies a simplified Readers Digest version? I say that as I still search for the "understandable medical explanation". I tell people that a new doc figured out that I was getting wrong medications for many years... immune system... fatigued. I will not use the term "depression". I refuse to spread that fallacy any longer.

 

 

I'm working on something like that. I like the phrase "neurotoxicity from prescription drugs" the best so far. Most people have had a bad reaction to prescription drugs at one time or another, so that's more understandable than "antidepressant discontinuation syndrome".

 

It will resolve. I am recovering from many more years plus endocrine failure.

 

Several people have hit this wall recently. I wonder if it may be seasonal in some way.

The reassurance is greatly appreciated. I've had occasional flickers of normal emotions over the past few days, so I'm hoping this will be over soon.

 

 

BTW, father in law has been going downhill. Very lethargic, losing weight, etc. Just learned today he's on simvastatin. Classic statin reaction.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds very much like the pseudo-depressive episode I had two years ago. Statins are every bit as dangerous as antidepressants.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You arent used to the "dead heat" as I call it. All vegetation dies. Very otherworldly.

 

Can see the eyes glaze over at the mention of "antidepressant discontinuation syndrome". And Tom Cruise ranting. :o

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderator Emeritus

We did get a good, drenching T-storm last night and some green patches have reappeared in the yards, but it's still miserably hot. I've never been a summer person and I wonder if a lot of the malaise I've been feeling has to do with that. It's also a tough time to get involved in activities because many are suspended for the summer.

 

My 'church lady explanation' needs some work. Still not comfortable with it.

 

What's with Tom Cruise, other than being involved in scientology? I don't watch TV or follow celebrities, so I'm really out of it there.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He has spoken very publicly against psych drugs and while I do not disagree with what he said, I believe his "delivery" of the message was inappropriate. Many who speak out now are accused of being affiliated.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 year later...

Over time on all of these meds, it just seems like small things are too much to bother with and I can spend all day getting hardly anything done some days. I have developed chronic fatigue as well over the last 10 years that has become progressively debilitating. The things that other people take for granted and can easily do, completely overwhelm me at times. I thought this was a symptom of my depression, but at the rate it has been increasing over the years on all sorts of meds, I now think the meds have been the major problem all along.

 

It often feels like my brain just cannot or will not complete the algorithm of whatever it was trying to process.

Finished slow taper on 4/6/14 from 20 mg to 6 beads over period of almost a year on Cymbalta and then quit cannabis around the time I DC'd Cymbalta.

Tried to go off completely 8/13 - 8/20 (didn't work) - Reinstated 10mg on 8/21/13

Off Adderall (2010 -2013) after 3.5 years since July 12th, 2013

Taking Tramadol 50 mg since 2007 for chronic pain

Lamictal 450 mg (from 2007 - 2009)

Lexapro (2004-2007 30 mg?)

Ambien (2009-2010)

Trazadone (2010-2011 for sleep)

2008-2010 -Trials of Wellbutrin, Paxil, Ritalin, Concerta, Effexor, Risperdal, Abilify, Seroquel, Trileptal

Earlier history includes - long courses of Tricyclics, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Paxil. Serzone, Celexa, Remeron, Zoloft for shorter periods.

Haldol, Lithium, Stelazine. Xanax, Clonipin, and Ativan have been used on and off, mostly Clonipin. Went through serious Xanax withdrawal a couple times in my life so far. Methadone (2003-2005 - psychiatrist/pain management doctor decided that was the first thing I ought to try for moderate chronic pain).  MS Contin 2005-2007 (aka Morphine)

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes. Overwhelmed to the point of freezing up, even with everyday tasks. For awhile, I thought it was my physical energy that was stopping me, but, for me, it's more of a brain lock. I can't even get started. Very scary.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

I feel the same way. Everyday life tasks seem overwhelming. Like cleaning out the fridge. I used to be so motivated and a multitasker. Now I struggle to get the most simple things done. I'm not sure if its a mental condition, or the meds I'm on.

I am on 2.0 mg abilify for 2 yrs now.  I tired to taper every month 2.0....1.5....1.0....0.5....off.  I was fine until I jumped off at the end.  I will need to slow the taper down after 0.5.  Maybe try 0.5, 0.4, 0.3, 0.2, 0.1, 0.05, 0.025...off.

 

8/2/17. Abilify  2.0 mg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderator Emeritus

I've also experienced this unwillingness to do things I used to do despite not liking the chores very much. Just today I realized that I had gone ahead and done two chores I didn't feel like doing (grocery shopping and weeding), so perhaps there's some improvement there for me.

 

I think what's missing in withdrawal is any feeling of satisfaction at getting these chores done.  It's all part of that emotional blunting that takes SO long to resolve.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

One good thing about this really slow taper with occasional really long holds is that it's making it easier for me to see what's the drugs, what's me, and what's withdrawal.

 

I took a long hold this summer and fall because I got into bad shape in July.  In September I started to feel better and I had a great October even after I started cutting again a little. And one thing I noticed is that I was able to get so much done. Made phone calls, took care of some appointments, went out of town three times, winterized my garden, and worked my way through a to do list. Wow! For me that's huge.

 

Now that I've been cutting again a while and I'm starting to have some withdrawal symptoms again (pretty subtle but sadly familiar) I'm back to having that same "I just can't do it. Just can't."

 

So I at least console myself that maybe this will pass and it's not permanent and someday I will be able to do more than just the bare survival minimum in my life.

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use Privacy Policy