dowdaller: Hello

[dowdaller]

Having a rough day, my brain is full of ocd thoughts, just trying to keep to my routine, and get by. Haven't had days like this in a while,  just suck it up I suppose.

At times like this, I try to get the day in. 

[Nicki1722]

This too shall pass. Just remember that.

[dowdaller]

This too shall pass. Just remember that.

Thanks Nicki ,just horrible when you are going through this crap, I haven't suffered these kind of symptoms in a while so it was an unexpected nasty surprise.

 Just get the head down and keep going. 

[dowdaller]

What a day,it started okay no major anxiety when I woke up. Got in to work my colleague phoned in sick which meant I had to fill in.

I had ocd crap all morning I did my best to shrug off these unpleasant thoughts as best I could.But they were getting me down. I didn't really want to interact with my colleagues. But I forced myself and I got by.

When I am like this I find time drags and when small things go wrong it really gets me down. My e cigarette broke and I haven't any money to replace it till Thursday.

I got home relatively anxiety free which was unusual because I find driving stressful at the best of times I just found myself repeating little mantras. And try not to have too much internal dialogue.

When I got home I had dinner played with my kids. I tried to read a book with little success. I have just put the kids to bed. I have a pain as if my bladder is full and then only pee a little dribble.

I presume this is a result of my anxiety.

The only explanation for this throwback day. I have run out of fish oils and my macca supplement I also trained hard yesterday and I am probably fatigued. I haven't had a day like this in a while and I am now worried I won't sleep.

 

The only positive I can take is that I survived, 10 months off this posion. And it never ceases to amaze how bad these waves feel.And to appreciate when you have a window. I have stuck to the fake it till you make model.

And I haven't confessed how rubbish I feel to any of my family or friends.

I guess its another roll up your sleeves and get on with it day.

[KarenB]

Hey dowdaller,

 

You sound like one tough cookie .  Another explanation related to training hard is that as well as tiring you out, it can actually activate your w/d symptoms.  Most of us have to keep our exertions below a certain level to avoid this. 

 

Are you able to get more fish oil soon?  It might also really help if you can put some little bits of goodness into your days, to help get you through - cause nobody can keep running on nothing.  Even a 1 minute meditation before you get up and another before you sleep.  Or take a moment to press a hot face-cloth into your face - it's so soothing.  Maybe having water available to sip at while at work, with some magnesium in it - that can help with stress.  Or some almonds to snack on during the day. 

 

Hope you get some sleep tonight.  I'm sure this wave will soon pass by, as unexpectedly as it arrived. 

Karen

[dowdaller]

Hey dowdaller,

 

You sound like one tough cookie .  Another explanation related to training hard is that as well as tiring you out, it can actually activate your w/d symptoms.  Most of us have to keep our exertions below a certain level to avoid this. 

 

Are you able to get more fish oil soon?  It might also really help if you can put some little bits of goodness into your days, to help get you through - cause nobody can keep running on nothing.  Even a 1 minute meditation before you get up and another before you sleep.  Or take a moment to press a hot face-cloth into your face - it's so soothing.  Maybe having water available to sip at while at work, with some magnesium in it - that can help with stress.  Or some almonds to snack on during the day. 

 

Hope you get some sleep tonight.  I'm sure this wave will soon pass by, as unexpectedly as it arrived. 

Karen

 

Thanks Karen I am starting to see a trend, when I push hard training, I feel rubbish the next day. I suppose everything in moderation. I got seven hours sleep so I cant complain. 

[DaddyCee]

Hi,

 

when you train hard do you take any protein drinks?

 

DC.

[dowdaller]

Yea I take protein most of the time, usually soya I took whey protein the other day. I probably over did it last week looking back in hindsight.

 

I have felt sick all day It reminds me of coming off the olanzapine not as bad though, no appetite, tired shakey all the usual crap

 

Just hanging tough here at work the only difference from the olanzapine withdrawal is my concentration has improved in the subsequent 2 years. Roll on five o'clock.

[Nicki1722]

I stopped working out hard. It kills me because I have always loved pushing myself but now is not the time.

[dowdaller]

I think I am going to have to learn, not to push too hard, if I had to have known as I was going to feel this bad, I wouldnt have bothered doing anything. Nightmare stuff..

[dowdaller]

The anxiety lifted when I came home from work. I actually managed to relax listening to a soccer match in which my suffered a humiliating defeat.

But I was just glad to be able to distract myself for a while. Hopefully this wave is passing.

I made it, that's the plus I can take from days like this. I get paid on Thursday so I will get all my supplements. You only miss them when you stop taking them. I ran out of magnesium b12 and the macca tabs last weekend. That and the over training I believe led to all the crap this week.

[dowdaller]

I had a really good afternoon yesterday, I actually felt like I did five years ago maybe, no worries no anxiety, no sickness, I just wanted to document this, as when time moves and I am in the horrors, I need to remind myself it wont always be this way, my days for the last month have been up and down with symptoms returning.

But I just stuck  to the program me  in terms of supplements I couldnt really exercise as I have been very tired.I started taking the maca supplement  two days after an absence of a number of weeks, ago I dont know if my improved mood is a result of the supplement, I will just have to keep an eye on that, 

 

I was talking to a guy who was telling me, this probiotic stuff is supposed to good for mood, and I may look at msm again, Any thing is worth a try I suppose, if it just helps a liitle bit to get you through.

[scallywag]

dowdaller -- Good news that you had a symptom-free, "old normal" window yesterday.

 

About the probiotics: Please remember that most people aren't aware of psych drug withdrawal and sensitized CNS issues that come with it.  If you decide to give probiotics a trial, start with a very low dose -- ¼ or ½ of what's recommended on the bottle -- and increase dosage slowly.  I've also found it wise to buy the smallest container, better to spend more per capsule and less overall if I have to set it aside because it doesn't work for me. After knowing that something works, then I'll buy warehouse sizes.

[dowdaller]

dowdaller -- Good news that you had a symptom-free, "old normal" window yesterday.

 

About the probiotics: Please remember that most people aren't aware of psych drug withdrawal and sensitized CNS issues that come with it.  If you decide to give probiotics a trial, start with a very low dose -- ¼ or ½ of what's recommended on the bottle -- and increase dosage slowly.  I've also found it wise to buy the smallest container, better to spend more per capsule and less overall if I have to set it aside because it doesn't work for me. After knowing that something works, then I'll buy warehouse sizes.

 

Thanks for the advice scally, 

[dowdaller]

Havnt been on in a while, I was away on a family holiday. The weather was very hot, compared to what I am used to anyway. I got through the holiday okay, my kids were a little bit sick which increased my stress levels a tad bit. Since I have returned my mood has been up and down, today was my first day at work. My stomach has been sick all day, and I am quiet anxious, I have a lot of bills and other life stuff going on, I am off the meds nearly a year now.

 

My brain is being swamped with ocd thoughts, it feels like when I went off the xanax first, my doc explained it to me as the xanax acts a sponge and sucks up all the negative thoughts. and then when you quit it, a torrent of this crap is released on you all at once. So this is how I feel at the moment, I think it must be my brain getting used to functioning without the aid of the chemicals.

 

The theory being that if I stick to the programme without any crutches or avoidance behavior my brain in time will adjust to this crap, anyway here is hoping. These type of days are incredibly unpleasant.

[scallywag]

dowdaller, Family vacations are lovely and not without their, shall we say, "moments" I'm sorry to read that your children were sick.

 

You're doing really well bearing the symptoms and remembering that they come and go.  Wishing you continued strength and patience.

[dowdaller]

dowdaller, Family vacations are lovely and not without their, shall we say, "moments" I'm sorry to read that your children were sick.

 

You're doing really well bearing the symptoms and remembering that they come and go.  Wishing you continued strength and patience.

 

Thanks scally at times like this having this outlet is very therapeutic, just concentrating on getting this day done. Hope you are doing well.;

[dowdaller]

I have been okay the last few weeks, the last number of days my mood has been up and down. I am coming up to one year being med free.Its been at times tough, but overall it has been manageable enough. My symptoms come and go, at the moment I am taking udos oil, and magnesium and maca. I am going to start probiotics this week. 

 

What I have learned is that my mood dips after strenuous exercise my anxiety ramps when I am tired, apart from that, I try to take it day by day. Overall I am better than I was twelve months ago in terms of feeling more like myself and not a zombie so more plus's than minuses.

[ChessieCat]

Hi dowdaller

 

It good that you are able to recognise what the symptoms are caused by.  Making the connection and realising it will pass helps you to be less stressed and accepting.

[dowdaller]

Hi dowdaller

 

It good that you are able to recognise what the symptoms are caused by.  Making the connection and realising it will pass helps you to be less stressed and accepting.

 

thanks for the feed back cc, I am at work at the moment its pissing rain, the seasons are changing here , and I feel a wee bit down. But nothing major, I am feeling a bit tired, but my outlook is relatively optimistic. i just try to take each day on its own merits, and not project into the future, as it causes me anxiety.

[downtongirl]

Glad you feel improved after a year!  Congratulations on making it a year off....I hope to be in your shoes in a year!  BTW.....I have Irish ancestry in my genealogy....my mother's maiden name was Flynn.  I would love to visit Ireland one day!  Blessing!

[dowdaller]

Glad you feel improved after a year!  Congratulations on making it a year off....I hope to be in your shoes in a year!  BTW.....I have Irish ancestry in my genealogy....my mother's maiden name was Flynn.  I would love to visit Ireland one day!  Blessing!

Hey DTG thanks for the reply, yea lots of flynns around where I come from, its okay here if you dont mind rain.The people are freindly. I have lots of good days since I went med free. There was honeymoon period, I didnt really feel terrible till about 6months off them. This I hear is very common. I wish you well, all I can say is get a rountine and force yourself to stick to it. There will be crap days just dig in and keep fighting. And you will do it.

[JanCarol]

Hey Dowdaller - I love the way you look at the long term.

 

Sure, the waves come, and the windows come too - but 

What I have learned is that my mood dips after strenuous exercise my anxiety ramps when I am tired, apart from that, I try to take it day by day. Overall I am better than I was twelve months ago in terms of feeling more like myself and not a zombie so more plus's than minuses.

 

It's this overall lift in your position, attitude and mood which will keep you going, keep you motivated, and keep you moving towards the better things in your life.

 

So, while there have been plenty of bumps, potholes, dips, valleys, and even a dark cave or two - you achieved overall better attitude and this is what instills hope for getting better.  And it does get better!

 

I hope you see the sun today!

[dowdaller]

Hey Dowdaller - I love the way you look at the long term.

 

Sure, the waves come, and the windows come too - but 

 

 

 

What I have learned is that my mood dips after strenuous exercise my anxiety ramps when I am tired, apart from that, I try to take it day by day. Overall I am better than I was twelve months ago in terms of feeling more like myself and not a zombie so more plus's than minuses.

 

It's this overall lift in your position, attitude and mood which will keep you going, keep you motivated, and keep you moving towards the better things in your life.

 

So, while there have been plenty of bumps, potholes, dips, valleys, and even a dark cave or two - you achieved overall better attitude and this is what instills hope for getting better.  And it does get better!

 

I hope you see the sun today!

Thanks JC, its like a war of attrition. I watched the video of the english guy that went off effexor after 3 years he was still only 75% after five years he said he was 90%. I think most people on here would gladly take 75%. Some days it so easy for me and life is no effort. I didnt have days like this on meds. Its not who can hit the hardest its who can take the most, that succeeds. And one day like this is worth a week in the horrors.

[dowdaller]

I woke up a little bit shaky, I did some weight training on saterday, I usually feel down after working out, it's funny I trained last year when I was tapering and I was able to do more. Now I am wrecked after any exercise

 

If my day starts badly it usually gets worse, just have to sit it out. My weekend went okay I had a fox in my back garden. My appetite is still okay and my sleep is still good. I ordered a book by Jon kabat zinn on mindfulness, as I said before I am now very sensitive on seasonal changes etc.

[dowdaller]

I am going through a sticky patch, I had an okay weekend, I went in to work today I found the time passed slowly.My head was full of Ocd crap, which has ramped up over the last few months. From my own personal reading I have learned that this time is quite difficult in terms of withdrawal. My little boy is back at school tomorrow he is only 6 and he is anxious about school.

I worry about him, he is great boy. But he has a very short attention span and struggles at school he has a slight learning difficulty. So I will try to relax now, and hope all goes well for him.

[dowdaller]

I am having a very tough day, I woke up yesterday with a sore throat and aches and pains all over my body, I went to work because staying at home is worse for me. all the symptoms I have been suffering with ramped up and I felt physically sick as well as anxious. I have just continued to try to stick to my routine but it has been incredibly difficult.

Last night I went to bed I felt tired, but when I lay down my mind was racing I was trying to do the body scan in order to get me off to sleep. I managed to sleep for four hours but woke up with my throat sore and very cold I went downstairs and took some codeine based painkillers which I dont like doing because of my history and xanax and sleeping tabs.

I then went to the spare room were i slept for another 3 hours.

I got the kids ready for school and brought them around, I felt awful but I decided F#@k it am I going to keep going, I feel like absolute crap at the moment I cant concentrate and I feel sick in my stomach and throat. I am just trying to put this day still feel horrible. 

I know this will pass but it just tests me so much I am a year down the track and it just creates doubts of whether I will always have to put up with crap, I know the fact that I have a virus or something makes everything appear worse.

Doing anything at the moment is like climbing Everest even the simplest of tasks, I know this is the dodgy period of between 12 and 18 months out. I am digging in again and trying to keep going forward

[scallywag]

dowdaller -- Sounds like a difficult slog, but you're "muscle-ing" your way through it admirably. Hoping the aches and pains are soon gone.

[dowdaller]

dowdaller -- Sounds like a difficult slog, but you're "muscle-ing" your way through it admirably. Hoping the aches and pains are soon gone.

 

Thanks for the words scally, My throat has settled down had a reasonable enough weekend considering I wasn't feeling great, back at work today I feel slightly anxious just getting by as usual , i printed out some success stories on the recovery road web site, which I just look over now and again.

I try to remind myself that this all part of the journey, to get from a to b I have to go through this bs and accept it as much as possible.

[AliG]

Hi Dowdaller.  I just had a quick squiz through your thread and I think you are doing really well.  At about a year off I think? - I can relate to not only some thoughts but some issues as well.

 

I always had a strong mindset of " fake it till you make it " . Some, might not understand that but when you're surrounded by achievement oriented people it's very hard not to have that mind set. I felt I had to keep up and in some ways it helped me to not totally cave in. It was a positive in a way although there were many days that I did give in to it, regardless. I just couldn't keep up. The thing is-  that attitude did help in the long run and perhaps it is serving you as well.

 

I was also determined to push through in a strong way regardless of symptoms. I thought I was pretty tough. I had managed somehow in the previous years ( while on drugs) to be - not exactly a gym junkie but a regular, at least. I kept this up in withdrawal for a while to the extent of going to Body Pump classes after ZERO sleep. I kept pushing until I dropped in a heap. I'm still recovering .In retrospect, I should have listened to my body. I pushed too hard and suffered the consequences.

 

Just a cautionary tale that I thought was at least worth telling as you sound a lot like I was back then.

 

The drugs do cause a drain and it can take quite a while to come to terms with the limitations of that. At the time I thought it was giving in but now I see it's just giving yourself " time out " and for a very good reason. You are in a state of recovery and have to remember that.Your body and brain are going through a myriad of changes as they adapt to the yanking away of the drugs that your system was so used to.This link explains more :

Brain Remodelling

 

At least you are sleeping and therefore ahead of the game. Sleeplessness can be so debilitating but if you are sleeping you are getting some regeneration.

 

I see you are a fan of Tolle and Jon Kabat-Zinn. They are great resources and minds. Very useful information and well worth pursuing. I have found them helpful and illuminating.

 

I am about 2 yrs of all drugs and making some nice improvements. As always, It three steps forward , two steps back.

 

I hope you continue the same way. At about 12 months , I would be hopeful but not everyone is the same . You might have a few waves to ride yet but having said that you are getting closer and with your positive attitude I think it can only get better from hereon in. Just try and learn to surf. 

Ali 

[dowdaller]

Hi Dowdaller.  I just had a quick squiz through your thread and I think you are doing really well.  At about a year off I think? - I can relate to not only some thoughts but some issues as well.

 

I always had a strong mindset of " fake it till you make it " . Some, might not understand that but when you're surrounded by achievement oriented people it's very hard not to have that mind set. I felt I had to keep up and in some ways it helped me to not totally cave in. It was a positive in a way although there were many days that I did give in to it, regardless. I just couldn't keep up. The thing is-  that attitude did help in the long run and perhaps it is serving you as well.

 

I was also determined to push through in a strong way regardless of symptoms. I thought I was pretty tough. I had managed somehow in the previous years ( while on drugs) to be - not exactly a gym junkie but a regular, at least. I kept this up in withdrawal for a while to the extent of going to Body Pump classes after ZERO sleep. I kept pushing until I dropped in a heap. I'm still recovering .In retrospect, I should have listened to my body. I pushed too hard and suffered the consequences.

 

Just a cautionary tale that I thought was at least worth telling as you sound a lot like I was back then.

 

The drugs do cause a drain and it can take quite a while to come to terms with the limitations of that. At the time I thought it was giving in but now I see it's just giving yourself " time out " and for a very good reason. You are in a state of recovery and have to remember that.Your body and brain are going through a myriad of changes as they adapt to the yanking away of the drugs that your system was so used to.This link explains more :

Brain Remodelling

 

At least you are sleeping and therefore ahead of the game. Sleeplessness can be so debilitating but if you are sleeping you are getting some regeneration.

 

I see you are a fan of Tolle and Jon Kabat-Zinn. They are great resources and minds. Very useful information and well worth pursuing. I have found them helpful and illuminating.

 

I am about 2 yrs of all drugs and making some nice improvements. As always, It three steps forward , two steps back.

 

I hope you continue the same way. At about 12 months , I would be hopeful but not everyone is the same . You might have a few waves to ride yet but having said that you are getting closer and with your positive attitude I think it can only get better from hereon in. Just try and learn to surf. 

Ali 

 

Thanks Ali I cant believe how little energy I have, I pushed too hard in the first place and that s how I ended up in the pickle I was in, I find it hard to relax, you are right I have got to give myself a break, I love hearing about people further down the track than me, thanks for the tips.

[dowdaller]

I had a hard day, I did a really stupid thing yesterday. I went out to watch my favorite soccer team. They won.against their arch rivals and I got carried away and I had quiet a lot to drink. Now today i am wrecked with the blues and anxiety. I havnt drank in a while. And I thought I could handle it I was wrong. I have just had to suck it up all day I know its normal. I have been in rhe pit all day. My head is all over the place cant remember silly things. I know i will probably struggle to sleep as thats how it effects. I just said to myself never again.

[peng]

Best wishes for a full recovery and get well soon, man.

Celtic were a sensation here in Scotland yesterday, you will know?

[dowdaller]

Cheers peng, some result alright, i celebrated too much, now I am in bits. Thanks for the post mate.

[dowdaller]

Im still suffering the effects of my alcohol intake on Saturday, I wont make that mistake again. I had my expected restless nights sleep last night. I was dozing on the couch and my wife  suggested to go up to bed this was at 10 o clock. So I fell asleep okay,then I woke up at midnight when my wife came to bed, then fell back asleep again till about 2 then woke up went for a piss. Then I woke up again at 4 sweating and anxious. I got my phone and put on the body scan recording and I managed to sleep till 7.

 

I got the kids ready for school I dropped them off, and went to work, I have been antsy all day slightly better after lunch,now I just have a couple of more hours to do, so not too bad. Just tough it out, I am starting a new mindfulness class tonight, so hoping that will help me settle down a bit.

I have done lots of research on mindfulness and its very interesting the science bit of how it works. This is the month were I have always struggled so I am just hanging in there doing my best. Its not easy but all I can do is hold fast and keep going.

[Shep]

That's great that you're doing a mindfulness class. I'm doing one online and am finding it to be quite helpful.

 

For those of us who came off benzodiazepines (such as Xanax), alcohol can be extremely problematic because it hits the GABA receptors, just like a benzo. So it may be quite awhile before you're able to handle alcohol. I had to give it up in my twenties. If only I'd known that my prescription drugs were so much worse for my brain. 

 

I'll be interested in how you do with your mindfulness class. The research on mindfulness is reason for hope for us. This is a video that was linked in my online class and it's really amazing what mindfulness can do:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8-6XzURntE&list=PLbiVpU59JkVbFtkacXoByNjHJgGc4AryM&index=1

 

Sending healing vibes your way.