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stan

have i today the knowledge what will happen to me in coming years ?

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stan

during 45 years i was sensitive,emotionnally,anxious but i knew my state and lived with and can say normally happy

after my first little little panic i was put on paxil

maybe 6 years i thinked all was ok (i do not see i slowly become zombie), then 6 years increase poop-out (i see there was something wrong and told me i will wean when retired)

i weaned 1,5 months (hell) : discovered i was wrong, 7 days after hell , doc switchted celexa (after time i discovered doc has done a mistake)

then i taper 11 months this celexa (thinking with 11 months it will be easy, i was wrong again : 11 months hell

at that time i discovered a website, reading serious withdrawal but thinked it was for others but not for me :wrong

i thinked 3/4 months off and it will be much better, i was totally wrong, enable to stand, akathisia,shortness of breath, unable to walk or exercise and stomac, bladder, vision, blood ...

i thinked the famous 1 year mark will be ok : wrong

then the famous 18 months : still wrong

then the two years : wrong

today i think i will need years more and will surely have residuals Aftereffects

i try to not be optimistic, pessimistic, i want to know the reality , what can i expect kind of life for my future

have i today the knowledge to understand or will i discover , after two years off a new horrible symptom

i am surprised that i was wrong so many times about evidences which were written in testimonies

as my pains constantly change

have i all the knowledge of my state or will i discover a new obvious heavy symptom wich is written in testimonies and i don't see as usual !

Edited by surviving
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Healing

At one level, you are asking an existential question, mon ami. Can we know our future? I believe we can get better at knowing it, but research suggests that the future is a set of probabilities -- some very probable, some less probable. Chaos theory suggests that "sensitivity to initial conditions" or "the butterfly effect" means the course of the future is constantly being altered.

 

I, too, have been very wrong about the course of my own recovery.

 

But, at another level, you are asking "Will I ever feel OK, happy?" And, while I cannot guarantee this, I think it is very, very, very possible. Your friends here will work to make *that* the future that occurs.

 

It is very rare for someone to discover a new horrible symptom at two years out. It is more common for people to discover a moderate new symptom. It is *most* common for people *not* to discover a new symptom at two years out.

 

Whatever happens along the way, *everyone* recovers. It may take some time for the "residual" effects to fade fully. But, you only need to arrive at a certain level of improvement in order to feel much better and like life is definitely worth living.

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Altostrata

This is an excellent Finding Meaning topic, and so moved.

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angie007

Hi Stan,

 

How i can empathise with what you have written, and most days i ask myself

much the very same questions, although i try my best to stay upbeat, its not easy.

 

How can we just forget!!!!!!!!!!! and move on, when we live with symptoms, sometimes

for extraordinary amounts of time.

How cruel, that man has the intelligence to create a chemical that can do this to people.

Its inhumane, and paramount to criminal, just how many lives are being swallowed up and wrecked

by trusting doctors to know what " was " best for them.

 

Its always easy after the event, to say " i didnt need any drugs" or " why did i take them", or

" why did i trust my doctor enough, to know what was best for me at that time".

 

In hindsight i know for sure, the day i visited the doctor with my son, he was 2, and he was displaying

behaviour problems, he suggested he had ADHD, i doubted that, and he wanted to medicate, I REFUSED,

so thankful now that i did, i also had a 15yr old that was pregnant, my husband was terrible aboutthe preganancy,

much as i was, but had resigned myself to the fact that we could and would cope.

Id also previously lost 2 babys - hopsital blunders, my mom died of stomach cancer, and my brother who was 12 months

younger than me had been killed in a " freak" accident at work, yes !!!! it was a tough time, emotionally i was doing ok,

but my mood was a little low - what else would you expect.

 

My doctor, sold me paxil as a tonic " a pick me up", with no addictive properties, " just stop taking it, when

you feel your ready, and I BELIEVED HIM, he had been my doctor for 25yrs, why wouldnt I.

How gullible now looking back, i was living a life, fully functional, no anxiety, no panic, no nothing.

 

I took the tab he gave me, seroxat (paxil) with no ill effects initially, and after 8yrs started displaying symptoms of

nervousness, feeling dizzy and lightheaded, too afraid to go from my lounge into my kitchen, all very bizarre stuff, thAT

I had never encountered before ever. So back to the doctor , nd i told him what was happening, he just said lets get you off

the tab, and told me to miss one 30mg tab once a week for 6 weeks and i would be off completely.

I askewd what was causing these symptoms and he said he cidnt know!!!!

But as seroxat was the only drug i was taking, he wanted to get me off it.

 

Well, you can only imagine, how that turned out, yes i was non functional, with akathesia, anhedonia, blackhole depression

suicidal thoughts, couldnt eat, nausea/dry heaving, intense crying jags, feelings of A FEAR id never experienced in mylife before,

and thats only some of the major ones.

My husband rang him and told him what was happening, he never at any stage said " it was the medication, he denied knowing".

This was on the 4th jan 2006, id been in that state all over the xmas of 2005, it was terrible, and i never made the connection

with symptoms and tablets myself either. i just thought i was very very sick and probably going to die.

 

he then prescribed diazepam, propranelol and prozac and said that will " sort her out", i was so naive, i thought the propranelol,

as it said beta blockers on the packet, meant there was something wrong with my heart.

I took this combination for 12 weeks with little relief and visited my doctor again, he said " dont take anymore",

2 days later i awoke feeling very unwell, i saw no one that day and spent the morning doing housework and cleaning,

i sat in the chair at 2.30pm and blacked out and had a seizure, i woke feeling worse than ever, covered in blood.

I telephoned the surgery scared for my life and explained the best i could what had happened.

They said there is nothing to be done, unless it happens again!!!!!!! this terrified me.

 

After 4.5 months off, and no relief in symptoms at all, i was reinstated on seroxat at 20mg.

The rest of that story you already know, its not pleasant to say the least.

 

I cry everyday when i think back and remember how " good my life used to be",

this drug has robbed me of living my life for years, ive missed out on so much, time with my family,

hiding away so they wouldnt have to see what i was going through, grandchildren that ive been unable to enjoy

as i should have been able to, time with my husband, my youngest son, he is now 17, he has missed out too, as he was 2.5 yrs old

when i went on this drug, and i havent been able to be the mother i wanted to be to him either.

 

Now, im off the drug, its early days, and yes im vey fearful, of what this drug has done, and wll i ever recover fully,

will i ever be able to live my life the way i want and enjoy it.

What are the long term effects to me for having taken this poison.

 

And to top it off, there is no help available, no advice, no one to talk to, no one to offer any help,

where can i go, what can we do about all of this?

 

Its so unfair Stan, and i truly feel your pain, we are all in pain here, mentally, emotionally and physically,

thanks to the greed andlies of the drug companys.

Its a complete travesty and more exposure is needed.

the medical community need to be made aware so that others in wd dont get misdiagnised and prescribed more

drugs for psychiatric illnesses they dont have.

 

But you know, the saddest part of all this stan, is that we are ALONE, truly alone,

friends leave as they cant do anything to help, they get fed up because we are unable to partcipate in a normal life,

family have no idea, and when you explain, they still dont grasp it.

 

When we complain to doctors and tell them how we feel, we now have depression, when we talk of symptoms we are bi polar, manic or psychotic,

what a cop out lol. How many would have to complain about a consumer product that was making people ill, before, something was done.

 

Yes as you have guessed im low, and naturally so, depressed?? certainly not.

I may be newly off the poison, but i have lived this life for YEARS, my life now has shrunk in so may ways,

and i guess i dont know at this moment how to go about putting my life back together.

I feel STUCK.

Stuck in a cycle of never knowing how im going to feel, from one day to the next,

cannot plan anything, frightened of " pushing " myself to do things that might make me feel worse,

but fed up of my lonely existence at the same time.

I see everyone around me having a life, happy, contented and LIVING, and then there's ME,

stuck in this loop of FEAR, frustration, with no confidence in myself,

and very very fearful of what the future holds after taking these meds.

 

Your so not alone Stan, and i know, if anybody understands all of this, it will be you.

thankyou for listening.

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summer

Stan... I wish I had the answers you are looking for... but none of us do. I do know that thinking about the "what ifs" don't help. It's plain scary to do that... not one of us knows what tomorrow will bring.

 

On the days when I go for a walk and look at the beautiful flowers all around me... I'm not thinking about tomorrow or what aches and pains I may or may not have in the future. There really is no answer to your question, whether or not you've ever taken an antidepressant.

 

True story: A friend of mine went for a walk in the park. One day he met and started talking to a woman. Then they started meeting every day for walking, talking and lunch. They have been together ever since. Moral of story... this could be your future too. On the days that you feel good, get out there! Have you thought about joining a senior center? You just might meet some interesting people that you have something in common with.

 

You can't just wait around to see what "pain" you'll have next. That can't possibly help you to feel good.

 

You're such a great guy, Stan. I think if you allow it, you would have more real life friends than you know what to do with!

 

As that song goes... Be Happy, Don't Worry (so much)! Sending warm hugs!

 

Your lovely Summer :D

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stan

Thanks Angie and Summer,

 

i cannot go in a park walking, because i have too many problems(standing,anxiety,vertigo since yesterday,...)i go just shopping and walking each day five streets as an automate, many say the first two years are hell, and after they improve,

this seems my pattern, i have begin to improve a little little after the two years, now at 26 months off

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angie007

Hi stan,

 

For now my friend, we have limitations yes, but in time all will be revealed,

nothing will last forever, and this wont either, although some days its hard to see that.

 

We REALLY are going to recover, maybe not 100%, but thats ok, 80-90%, fantastic, i would

happily settle for that right NOW and i know you would too.

We have to remember that symptoms are a sign of healing,

we may not see the full benefit of that healing for a while,

but we know its happening, because we can feel it.

 

Stay strong Stan, and have faith,

the Lord works in mysterious ways, his miracles to perform.

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stan

 

We REALLY are going to recover, maybe not 100%, but thats ok, 80-90%, fantastic, i would

 

 

i totally agree , a first step 80 % and then we will see,

but already 26 months off after 11 months taper 20 mg, and in my poor state, i thinked i would be better, i have already lost 3 years of my life

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angie007

Hi Stan,

 

I totally agree, we all think it should be better, straight away, immediately

would be perfect for us all, but you know, it will happen, it just takes TIME,

yet again, and i understand you lost 3 years of your life an im sorry buddy,

time we never get back unfortunately, for me it was a lot longer, by the time

hopefully this is over, paxil will have had the best part of 20years of my life,

and that is unforgivable, but ....... time heals my friend in more ways than one.

 

We will be ok Stan, remember we aim for 80% recovery first, then in time..... who knows maybe we move

the goalposts to 90%%%%%%.

thinking of you buddy.

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