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buggedout

My grandma will never get it, and I'm going nuts!

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buggedout

Help!

 

Have to live with my Grandma temporarily. It's a long story... basically I am waiting for a special visa so I can join my fiance in the US. Could take a few months to a year so it's stressful enough not knowing how long I will be here for.

 

Grandma is 87 years old but she's still sharp as a nail. She pretends to be stupid and forgetful but really she is just being manipulative. It seems innocent at first but after being here for 2.5 months already, I can tell now that she is playing games with me.

 

My cuts have been put on hold because she just doesn't understand. When I moved in, I explained all about my medication and my cuts to her so that she would know why I get sick for a few days, have insomnia and frequent trouble sleeping. I expected her to be receptive to that information and show me a bit of compassion, not just because of the pills, but because me being here away from my fiance and also my parents who already live down there... it's hard on me.

 

Well it turned out to be a big mistake telling her about my pills. She's convinced there is something "wrong" with me and it's a result of my medication... either me abusing it, or me not taking it at all. She told me I should see a doctor and have him double check that what I'm doing is OK and that I'm OK. I said I know what I'm doing. She treat's me like I'm 12 years old not just with this, but with everything.

 

I regularly hear her bitching about me on the phone to her friends. She talks right above my room and I can hear her loud and clear. She complains that I go for long hikes, complains that I take care of my car and make trips to Canadian Tire for car care products, she complains that I exercise all the time and eat healthy. The other day I rearranged my room around so my bed wasn't beside the bathroom, and added some of my photography to the walls to make it feel more like home... well she was very displeased, and she called her friend immediately to complain about it, and I heard her say "i just know there's something seriously wrong with her, it's that medication I'm sure of it!"

 

She frequently buys sweets even though I tell her every day that I can't have any since I'm trying to lose weight. She buys giant pies, ice cream, tarts, she even MAKES stuff and then tries to guilt me into eating it "before it goes bad". I've even said to her, is it a game to you? You know I'm on a diet. And she just says oh well I guess I forgot, with my old age and all. I know she's just making it up. The very odd time I do indulge in something, she will make a sarcastic comment like "but you're on a diet, right?".

 

The day after I told her I cannot eat bread for lunch because it makes me tired, she goes out and buys this ginormous bag of hot cross buns. Then at lunch she tells me, "I'd appreciate it if you tried one of these".

 

We've been fighting constantly over this BS and I don't know how much longer I can do it. She also goes through my personal belongings, and then quizzes me on things that she finds, to see how I will respond. I have to keep all my paperwork locked in my vehicle and also started carrying my pills with me everywhere. She's even opened up my mail which forced me to purchase a PO box where I now have my important documents mailed.

 

Today was the second day in a row that she banged on my door and woke me up because I had a letter and it's always just junk mail that I get at her house. I said i'm sleeping and i'd appreciate it if you left me alone and left the mail upstairs. Well now she's bitching about me again on the phone, making herself out to be the victim as usual.

 

I've been trying to get a job, any job, even fast food, just to get out of the house. I've applied everywhere. I have a decent savings so I don't really need the money, but I need an excuse to go out all day. But she even makes the job hunt hard for me, tells me I'm over doing it. She'd rather have me stay at home where she can try to control me. I also live in a student town so there are no jobs available, I've tried, I can't even get a job flipping burgers. Part of that might be because I'm way over qualified. In July I make a two week trip to visit my fiance so after that I'm going to try again, when the students go back to school and people start hiring again.

 

I have thought of moving out and getting my own place, but if I do that my savings will dwindle, and worse, she would probably do something outrageous like cut me out of the will. It's not really about the money, but the principle. If the rest of my family found out we had a falling out and she cut me out of the will, they would probably fault me for it and want nothing to do with me anymore. My parents understand how she is but my brothers think that I'm the one doing something wrong to piss her off.

 

I don't know what the hell to do. My life is on hold... my cuts are on hold. I have no privacy or personal space. I have to explain every little thing I do and leaving the house is always made into a giant production. Every phone call I make or receive is questioned, I'm told that I shouldn't have a cell phone and should use her home phone. Every little thing I do is wrong in her eyes.

 

And I can't even really get mad at her for it... I think she must have some type of mental illness. It's not to do with her age though, my dad says she's always been like this. When my uncle was a teenager, she forced him to go to therapy because she thought there was something wrong with him, she also accused him of being gay, despite having several girlfriends. The therapist basically asked him a few questions, then did a giant facepalm and sent him home.

 

Any advice for dealing with someone like this. I'm losing my mind, what's left of it.

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buggedout

My fiance's mother, who unfortunately died young, was this exact same way. He wouldn't tolerate it or conform to how she wanted him. As one last final way of getting back at him, she removed him from her will without telling him, leaving everything to his sister. He didn't care about the money anyways but his sister basically stopped talking to him over it, and told him it was his own fault. Breaks my heart because he's seriously the nicest, most compassionate and respectful person in the world.

 

I'm really worried that I could have the very same thing happen to me, only with my grandmother.

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Petunia

Hi buggedout,

I'm sorry you're finding yourself in this difficult situation, perhaps you might find some ideas and support here:

 

http://outofthefog.website/

 

There is a lot of good information and support on the internet, once you realize what you are actually dealing with.

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mammaP

What an awful situation to be in. Grandma is old and is taking responsibility for you, you are her little grandaughter and haven't grown up any since you were 2 in her eyes!  Don't even think about what she says to her friends, they are probably all talking about someone! 

 

I just thought of a long journey, I can go by public transport (expensive) go by  car ( more expensive) or grab a free ride in the back of a cattle truck and suffer the bumps and craters.  If I really need to save every penny I will choose the cattle truck, make it as comfortable as possible, put up with the cows in the back  and be grateful for the crude driver because he is after all giving me a free ride where I need to be. ( No disrespect to grandma, just an analogy ) 

 

I wouldn't discuss the drugs, just quietly take them in the bathroom. I do my mixing in private when I am staying with family because they don't understand. 

 

Can you do voluntary work to get out of the house? That might go down well with grandma too ;). Animal shelters are a great place to volunteer, looking after them is really satisfying.  Try and mentally distance yourself  and put up with it, crossing the days off the calendar, or the 'miles' off the truck ride. 

 

Give her a hug now and again,  even if it is hard,  I am a grandma and hugs always melt my heart, maybe hers will melt just a little. She is not going to change, but you can change how you deal with her. Accept that this is how she is, and that you are not there forever, you will soon be with the man you love and this is helping you to get there. 

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btdt

Hi buggedout,

I'm sorry you're finding yourself in this difficult situation, perhaps you might find some ideas and support here:

 

http://outofthefog.website/

 

There is a lot of good information and support on the internet, once you realize what you are actually dealing with.

I can't help but wonder how many of the people with the personality disorder dx got it while on meds.. or in wd or otherwise drug compromised... sorry but I cannot help to think the way I do at this point in time. We know the more disorders there are the more drugs they sell ... I have no stomach for it any longer.  Pegging people drugging people pegging drugged people... it is old... tired worn... people still buy and sell it daily. I am not buying... but many are.  

 

Is the suggestion that GM has an personality disorder?

 

Answer could be to drug grandma get her to sleep all day and be quiet if she actually has a disorder... we could figure that out from reading the link.  

 

The amount of layperson dx and school yard chats about mental health dx drugs...ect... scares the crap out of me.. the last thing I think we need is another site that sells people up the river... or supports this sort of pharma sponsored psychiatric dx and casual chatting... what better way to get those "ask your doctor" drugs to the people than to make them comfortable with everyone and their dog having a disorder of some type and needing a drug to treat it... we see where it leads... 

 

I am all for treating people the way you want to be treated we may not get along with everyone and maybe not even our GM that does not make her mentally ill and in need of help. 

 

  

 

Great advice Mamma... great advice.

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Petunia

Is the suggestion that GM has an personality disorder?

 

Answer could be to drug grandma get her to sleep all day and be quiet if she actually has a disorder... we could figure that out from reading the link.

 

Oh dear! I was hesitant to post that link, PDs are a controversial issue, and no, I wasn't diagnosing GM and certainly not suggesting she be drugged. There are no recognized drug treatments for PDs anyway.

 

I also like mammaP's advice, its much better than what I wrote, I hope it works (helps). If it does, that's great, if not, you have my link.

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scallywag

btdt & Petunia:

 

Even if one doesn't believe in PD diagnoses or doesn't like the label, tips on learning how to deal with challenging relationship situations are often helpful. I developed some important new interpersonal skills from reading about dealing in close relationships with someone who has "borderline PD." I don't know if the person that motivated me to look at this topic has been diagnosed or would meet the "conditions" for diagnosis. I do know that the knowledge acquired and the skills developed helped me in a difficult situation.

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