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oops44: caught unaware by sertraline / Zoloft withdrawal

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oops44

ahoy shep!

today marks 7 days in a row that sleeping and eating have returned basically to pre withdrawal levels. I've also not experienced any anxiety or panic in these 7 days and as a result my thinking has cleared up. 

 

i am now beginning to experience dulling of emotions and the like. i find i have to overcompensate for this in order to make certain more ambiguously concluded decisions. fortunately its always been my nature to be somewhat decisive, even impulsive to a degree, so it hasn't caught me in a bind as of yet. i also have an entirely new….. something…..a feeling or emotion or even an entirely new mental state, I'm not exactly sure. i would describe it as an acute awareness of my thoughts. i began wearing hearing aids young, and anyone who has worn hearing aids can sympathize with the fact that when you begin wearing them there is a period of time when your brain acclimates to the new sounds. during this period you hear your breathing, the rocks crunching as you walk, water running through pipes in the walls, even the clothes you wear rustling against your skin. auditory overload. very distracting, but its important to keep wearing your hearing aids until your brain can adjust and begin to filter out the input that it deems irrelevant. i seem to be experiencing something similar but its in my head with my every thought. is that what an intrusive thought is? as i said its entirely new to me. i used to be able to stare at the wall all day with no sensory input and have nary a thought enter my mind. thats bliss. thats a clear conscience. thats being at ease within yourself and yourself within the world. I've lost that for now.

 

but i assume its all part of the medication and withdrawal. in 3 months ill be evaluating and most likely beginning my taper so its days have been numbered. 

 

speaking of the medication, i finished the last of the bottle from a refill 8 or so months ago yesterday and began a new bottle i refilled just recently. i don't know if its a new batch or what but i think this new stuff feels more uppity. same dosage, new sensitivity i guess.

 

so ya, in the meantime i guess ill just continue the mental renovations. tear it down and build it back up with the rubble as the foundation. sounds like ill be taking a job here in the next few days or so. it'll be good to get back at it, as i have a whole bunch of things in my life that need doing and work is integral to almost all of it. 

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oops44

its been a mostly relaxing 2 week break but ill be going back to work on monday so life resumes once again. relentless little sucker that life is. feels like I've spent the last two weeks insulated in a bubble, mostly getting to know the new me. he feels much like an old beater car after a major breakdown so better take it slow and mind the gauges for a while. in time hopefully i can prove to myself that I'm still a reliable vehicle. 

 

i feel much the same as i have since my last update. most everything seems on the up and up but i am beginning to stagnate a little so it'll be good to get back at it. its time for a test drive. you can only sit at home and watch cat videos on the internet for so long…..

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RachelSusan

Hi Oops,

I want to wish you a smooth transition back to work.  I loved your comments about show tunes getting stuck in your head (on my thread). It made me laugh when I needed to laugh. I am hoping that as you drive through your journey of life you can take the curves of life slowly, at least for a little while.

RS

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oops44

thanks for the well wishes rs

i dont anticipate any issues transitioning back to work. what concerns me is how much it seems my identity revolves around my work. friends and social life have fallen to the wayside and been left in the dust by career. i just didnt have the time or desire to maintain them and now its pretty obvious there is a glaring hole in my life. i also have no hobbies. another hole. it wasn't always this way.

 

it is manageable though, it can be fixed now that i see it for what it is. another positive aspect of the freak out.

 

golly gee I've got a lot to do to catch up to where i need to be.

 

anyhoo, i hope you're still trucking along and doing well rs, and everyone else too for that matter.

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RachelSusan

Oops, Some of your comments struck a chord with me.  I derived my identity from work. Now that I can't work, I really miss it. I also don't have any hobbies. And even when I try and find a hobby, nothing really lasts, it just doesn't interest me after I've learned about it, or mastered it, etc... I do have friends, but I haven't invested enough time and energy into the relationships.   Thanks for sharing, I find it interesting.

 

Yes, let's all just keep on trucking forward.  Thinking of you and everybody else on this site.

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oops44

friday night. just you and i. turn the lights down low to set the mood, and lets…. chat :^)

 

its been 11 days since i started the new batch of sertraline and over that period of time i have slowly acclimated and most of the kinks have worked themselves out. the new stuff seemed to be a little more ampy than the old stuff making me slightly anxious, but as i said before i believe that has passed.

 

after careful research and self evaluation i have determined that none of the many and various supplements are right for me at this juncture. i prefer to keep it simple presently as i find simplicity promotes stability. ymmv obviously.

 

work has proven to be a lifesaver for me right now. keeps me occupied. as long as i can remember to make room for life after work we should continue to get along just peachy. got some plans for the weekend with some friends. nothing too extravagant, but its a life.

 

withdrawal symptoms are minor with some fading away and some new ones stopping by to say hello. no biggie. i find the mutations somewhat interesting for some reason, however i can imagine a few that i have no desire to meet. if they come knocking maybe ill just turn the tv down, pretend I'm not home, and hope they go away. i figure the odds of that working are about 50/50. of course i calculate the likelihood of everything at 50/50. either a thing does or doesn't happen right?  to explain further - the odds of me winning the lottery are precisely 50/50. whether i buy a ticket or not. you can call vegas, the math checks out trust me.

 

sum it all up in a word you say? stabilizing.

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ChessieCat

Hi oops,

 

Thank you for letting us know how you are going.  It's good to hear that there has been improvement.  And I love your sense of humour!!!  Remember to be patient, listen to your body and throw out the calendar.

 

Could you please add the date to your sert reinstatement in your signature.  Please update your signature with date and dose whenever you make a change.  That way it remains current and can be seen at a glance.  Thank you.

 

Now would be a good time to learn some Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms.  Also, please be aware of Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization and also Neuro Emotions.

 

These links may be helpful:

  1. Acceptance
  2. Acceptance and Mindfulness
  3. Claire Weekes' Method of Recovering from a Sensitized Nervous System
  4. "Change the channel" -- dealing with cognitive symptoms
  5. Change cognitive framing - Redirect - Another Way
  6. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) for anxiety, depression
  7. Cognitive Behavior Therapy lessons 

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oops44

signature updated at the request of the chess kitty who is always thinking 3 moves ahead. also, i appreciate every link given to me. thank you. 

 

and after mornings like today i needed a refresher on acceptance. "talk about rough!" i say in my best rodney dangerfield as i adjust my tie in a most exasperated manner, "last week i saw my psychiatrist. i told him "doc, i keep thinking I'm a dog." he told me to get off his couch!" i tell ya thats ruff…. i get no respect.

 

​so ya a little stinkin thinkin and a little down in the dumps but i rode it out. oscillation. hopefully a pattern of reduced amplitude with greater time between each successive period becomes apparent. 

 

also its settled, http://www.spirit-animals.com/leopard/is my critter kin.

 

 

 

 

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scallywag

oops44 -- gotta love rodney dangerfield. I quote him frequently.

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JanCarol

Hey Oops - I love your writing style, it twists and turns and keeps me thinking - and gives me great hope for your own recovery.

 

In TBI, the ability to self-express is a huge part of recovery, and you've got it in spades!

 

***

A dog walks into a bar.

 

The cat laughed.

***

 i find it most severe from waking on through the morning. after noon it usually relaxes a bit. 

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/33-waking-with-panic-or-anxiety-managing-cortisol-spikes/

(though this seems to be getting better for you)

 

 

 seems it has taken a negative to affect positive changes in myself. 

 

I was just getting ready to post on my own thread:  sometimes you have to use a needle to remove a thorn. 

 

desirous of a little perspective i wondered into sheps thread. heavy. inspiring. make you laugh make you cry type stuff. anyway i stole this from him so don't tell him: http://www.spirit-an...tem-generator/ 

 

What fun!  If you were 14,000 miles closer, you could come to our shamanic drumming circle and meet your totems in person, and talk to them!  Too freaky?  Well, I explain it as "using your imagination to tap your unknown potential"  Really, if you go into a theta state, and a dolphin comes up and tells you that you need to breathe more, and control your breath, and breathe through your nose - does it matter if it came from an ACTUAL dolphin spirit, or the part of your subconscious that looks like a dolphin? 

 

 i am beginning to sense my emotions fading away, day by day. my give a damns not busted yet but probably will be soon. 

 

I called it "give-a-yit-a-ttude"  

 

Common phenomenon.  We probably would have reinstated a lower dose of Zoloft, but you have what you have, and it is stabilizing you, even if there is a price.  There is always a price.

 

Here's what lack of give-a-dit-itude" looks like:  (again, common with drugs and drug changes)  Anhedonia Apathy Demotivation

 

Oops, I've been enjoying your contribution to the site, I'm so glad you found us, but sorry you had to. 

 

We'll all get through this, and it does get better.  I like your approach, it's an indicator that you will do well with this.

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JanCarol

Oops, you are a breath of fresh air:

so ya, in the meantime i guess ill just continue the mental renovations. tear it down and build it back up with the rubble as the foundation. 

he feels much like an old beater car after a major breakdown so better take it slow and mind the gauges for a while.  in time hopefully i can prove to myself that I'm still a reliable vehicle... its time for a test drive.

 

Breezy.  While there may be potholes and corrogated roads, and your teeth may chatter over the terrain - you're gonna be fine!

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oops44

thanks jc, that means a lot to me. i hope all is well on your side of the globe….

 

….globe….14000 miles….christmas in the summer….mind blown….

 

….thinking about how your words made their humble way all the way to my computer got me thinking about submarine cables and i found a map here http://www.submarinecablemap.comthat shows their routing. we are now chatting through a fancy tube called the southern cross cable. our words are making a journey into the penultimate frontier (space being the final obviously) under the sea and through the ring of fire, making frodo's quest to modor seem like a walk in the park. beats two tin cans and a string though. wonders never cease.

 

have a splendid day and try not to think too hard about how the nsa got caught monitoring the cable between australia and new zealand :^)

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Rockingchaircat

Well oops44, you certainly do have the sense of humor one needs to keep going in this kind of a situation.  Going through your blog, I see that just about everyone else has managed to give you good advice, as they have done so with me.  Angels in disguise- every one of them.

 

I do not envy you, the journey you are taking. Even though I'm farther along. Luckily you were on them far less than a lot of folks- which means it could very well be a shorter recovery than many. But even that is relative. 

 

Self-Reevaluation- seems to be part and parcel of our journey for those of us who have decided to go on this adventure. And Adventure it is. 

There'll be good times and bad.  High points and low. 

 

But I'll tell you this- it's worth it. Totally worth every single problem you go through. 

 

To me thus far it's given me an incredible sense of mastery, even though I'm still fairly far away from full recovery. 

I get the sense that you'll be in for a full recovery as well- you'll persevere.

 

Walking meditations- are quite nice. Nicer without mosquitoes to swat.

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oops44

pretty bummed out right now. went out with a pretty girl i like tonight and it didn't go well. at all. its not often i get emotionally invested in women like i find i am with this one. not gonna lie, it kinda hurts. i even feel sad. i can't remember the last time i felt sad and I'm still trying to decide if I'm happy about it or not.

 

however i am certain that I'm happy i tried, even though it seems it didn't work out. time will tell…. but ya i probably blew it :^(

 

what a total bummer.

 

women. sheesh. what confounding creatures. makes me wonder how we made it this far as a species when courtship is so complicated.

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oops44

well I've been pushing myself pretty hard these last few weeks and i think i may have finally put my nervous system through more than it can presently handle. 

 

long hours and short sleep, caffeine, stress and uncertainty, floundering personal life…. but the straw that broke the camels back?

 

alcohol. had a few drinks last night for the first time since withdrawal began. bad idea, but it was my idea and i just had to see if i could handle it. well its got me pretty scrambled up today.

 

set back. not fun. lesson learned.

 

so, whiskey as a supplement to ease social tension? afraid i cannot recommend it.

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oops44

currently in free fall spinning out of control. can't find the brakes. i now feel like i did back on my first day here, minus the hope that can only abide in those completely naive in their situation. wow, that reads out a lot darker than it sounded in my head before i typed it. screw it. it needed to be said.

 

isn't it funny how all we learned and accomplished and built upon goes out the window during times like these? are we really this fickle and fair weather? 

 

let the record show i do not feel like a failure nor did i fail in any way. i was simply outmatched by my emotions and ill-prepared to deal with the fallout. my guess is it will likely always play out in a similar manner ad infinitum, like being beaten by a bigger and badder man…. over and over and over.

 

you win again…. 

 

reminds me of a montgomery gentry song -

 

"i been waylaid, freight trained, short changed

 by a bigger and badder man

 and all i got to say is bring it on"

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RachelSusan

The "bad" is knocking at your door? Or should I say, pounding on your head? I am so sorry.

RS

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AliG

Oops. It sounds like neuro- emotions which are a withdrawal symptom but can be exacerbated by stress / caffeine / alcohol or whatever. Any upset can trigger it but the good news is that it will probably disappear as quickly as it came. The not so good news is that it will probably surface again , at a later date. This is the pattern.

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

Neuro emotions

 

As you reinstated fairly quickly, if you hold for a good while and let your system settle and stabilize without stress/ tension or upset , it should go well with minimal symptoms, hopefully.  :)

Ali

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oops44

good to hear from you rs

 

more like it kicked my door down and raided my fridge to made a sandwich then cozied up next to me on the couch. 

 

it didn't take much to touch this off either, maybe 2 or 3 drinks over 8 or 10 hours. of course there are other factors at play here than just the alcohol but it certainly didn't help the situation. learn from my pain kids: don't drink.

 

currently waiting to calm down enough to think clearly so i can begin reprogramming. there are times when i choose to stay in the moment and suffer through it in the hopes of growing as a human-being-adult-type-personage-thingy but this isn't one of them.

 

 

why hello ali g 

 

welcome to my little corner of al gore's internets. i think you're right about everything you wrote but i just had to see for myself what would happen. curiosity bagged another inquisitive feline and i learned another limit in the process. 

 

they say smart men learn from their own mistakes, while wise men learn from the mistakes of others. i wonder what "they" have to say about the guy that ignores collective wisdom….

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oops44

….so the booze bobble was but a blip on the radar and its been as good as can be expected since save a bit of perceived stagnation which can probably be attributed to routine which is a necessary component of stability after all so in reality what i am really experiencing is probably something more closely related to stasis than quiescence all things considered so i won't let it stop me from ignoring proper punctuation and instead relying heavily on transitionary words and phrases to avoid run on sentences.

 

we need to have a talk about patty griffin.

 

i started listening to music again recently after having to stop because it was too stimulating. i am a rough and hairy man who cusses like a sailor and generally is completely devoid of guile, couth, and social graces. a mans man i guess, and i like listening to female vocalists with powerful voices who sing without reservation. just belting it all out. because of hearing problems from an early age i learned to rely on alternative cues other than speech alone to communicate effectively. i may not always understand the words they are saying but there is no mistaking the meaning when they let it all hang out. i love it when i can feel what they're singing. as i have alluded to before, sometimes i find i have what could be considered by some to be odd, un related, and disproportionate reactions to emotional stimuli. when i do finally feel i tend to over feel. erupt even. thats not the drugs, I've always been that way. consequences of living in a bubble i guess. ramble ramble.

 

anyway i decided to run myself through an emotional gauntlet of sorts by listening to various music known to me to be highly evocative. on my most stable and pre med days this could be a roller coaster ending in manly tears. in fact that was the goal, as i used to be obsessed with trying to make myself cry back in my early roaring twenties, but thats another ramble unto itself. so anyway i wanted to se how i would react to music in my present condition. patty griffin was the weapon of choice. i was not disappointed. 

 

i was resistant at the onset, but halfway through the first song i let it take me, think in terms of meditation here - that moment when you fall in. now i could attempt to describe the experience but i couldn't do it justice, just fumble and bumble it up. words are too clumsy and in all honesty were never intended for things so affecting or beautiful. i allowed it to wash over me completely, wave after wave, until i didn't think i could any longer, and then the moment was lost. like being shaken from a dream. i was crying and left with a not unpleasant sadness wondering if i could ever feel that much for and with someone else. is it even possible? ill continue to try and find out.

 

i was left quite refreshed, like i expressed some vile toxin from my body out through my eyes. then i fell asleep. it was a positive experience I've been too long without. thanks patty, you're the best.

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scallywag

If Patty's the best, you win silver.

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oops44

ah shucks! thanks scallywag. you know i wasn't going to say anything, but now that you mention it i am super awesome. humble too.

 

as you all can see I'm still stumbling about continuing my investigation of the great mystery that is me. i think the eagles said it best, "I'm just lookin for clues at the scene of the crime".

 

i used to be quite the intrepid little seeker back in the day, always plumbing the depths of myself and doing strange things for experiences sake but i guess life happened and i lost my curiosity. i always considered myself as one who had a good grasp of self so when i had my little freak out it came as a great shock, very unsettling.

 

i guess its time for the return of that intrepid little seeker. 

 

GiaK's Beyond Meds is a pretty spiffy site with some interesting articles along the vein of introspection. she seems to be an intrepid little seeker as well. 

 

and in the great tradition of posting vague literary quotes that we believe succinctly summarize what we are trying to say but inevitably have a different meaning to the reader than the one hoping to be conveyed by the writer, i give you f scott fitzgerald -

 

"so we beat on. boats against the current. borne back ceaselessly into the past."

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RachelSusan

Hi Oops,

 

Oh my goodness, I forgot about that f scott fitzgerald quote.  It is so perfect.  Thanks for reminding me.  The fact that you included his "f" first tells me something about you.  I have no idea what it tells me, however I am impressed.  What song of the Eagle's is "I'm just lookin for clues at the scene of the crime" from?  I don't recognize it. 

 

How are you doing?  I am doing rather well actually.  Going through WD was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life, so happy I am "stabilizing."  Always afraid to use "stabilized" as in past tense.

 

RS

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oops44

hey rs. glad to hear you're doing well.

 

its from the song "lifes been good", and as it goes with most eagles songs - and also garth brooks - the live versions are best. in my opinion that is. both show less restraint live than in studio. doubly so for garth. speaking of garth i had a friend who saw him recently and was glad to hear he's still got it after all these years. she said he hasn't missed a beat and from what i heard new of his on the radio he's still got the pipes. it would be a shame to lose a voice like his.

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oops44

after reading post #13 written by yours truly i was reminded that i made an appointment with a doctor to follow up on the whole reinstatement affair in a month…. from july 14th. august 16th to be precise, and unless I'm experiencing some sort of fugue event -which i am not - I'm pretty sure i didn't honor that appointment. screw it. ill call that bum when i need a refill.

 

a week long family get together on the other side of the country is fast approaching. i won't be drinking. it will be noticed. 

 

a quick side note: why does "will not" contract to won't? shouldn't it be "willn't"? whatevs. i shan't worry m'self with such trivalities.

 

and a brief aside: my family is positively bonkers. as opposed to negatively so, i mean. for whatever reason i never met any of them other than a grandparent or two once or twice until recent years. i always feel so different from everyone else i meet, so imagine my surprise when i finally met my own relatives in their natural habitat and realized they were a lot like me. its pretty cool actually and a little eerie, but i look forward to seeing them at our little pow wow each year.

 

so anyway, i won't drink and it won't go unnoticed and there will be questions. i guess ill just have to answer those questions. no big whoop. wouldn't be surprised if one or two of them have been through the same thing in regards to withdrawal. i don't anticipate any issues. eccentric they may be, but never judgmental. bunch a loons.

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ChessieCat

Well obviously you didn't feel like you needed to see the doc ;) and that is good :D

 

a quick side note: why does "will not" contract to won't? - I wonder about these sorts of things too :P

 

It's good that you enjoy meeting up with the family.  I was born is Australia and my relatives are overseas and I've never met them.  I was surprised to find out that my handwriting is very similar to one of my cousins.  My husband was from a big Aussie country family (his dad's brother married his mum's sister) and it always amazed me at family get togethers seeing the similarities in the different people.  Probably something that many people take for granted  :o

 

Have fun!!!

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scallywag

oops -- If you're looking for beverage options for the family event and like brewery output, I recommend non-alcoholic or low alcohol (0.5%) beers. I've discovered them this summer. The European ones are quite enjoyable - Becks, Gerstel, Erdinger, Grolsch. Some of the big American breweries also have product. I haven't tried them but the Canadian "Big Brand" ones were wimpy and watery compared to the Dutch & German product.

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oops44

some ruse booze you say, eh scallywag? probably catch more hell from the family for that then not drinking at all. i have a friend on my softball team that has one every now and again though and he says they're ok. not really my style though, I'm less of a beer and more of a whiskey or gin kinda guy.

 

are you seeing any improvement since deciding not to imbibe yourself?

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scallywag

I don't think an ersatz whisky or gin would be worth it. I started ordering and buying the Alkohol-frei versions because sometimes I want the taste without the buzz.  My w/d symptoms have been very mild so I can't say I've noticed a difference in withdrawal.

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oops44

hello.  apparently its been three years since I last posted.  I've been lurking for a few days now deciding whether or not I wanted to jump back in the pool and swim here.  ill find out after I finish typing if I'm going to press the submit button or not.  for now I think ill just keep typing and we'll see what spills out and go from there, ya?

 

much has changed.  here on sa and in real life.  I've been catching up on the stories of some of the people I used to chat with here back in 2016.  some disappeared like I did while some are marching ever forward down their respective paths toward freedom.  I can't help but feel a bit guilty for not being around to help support the latter, and truly I am sorry for that. 

 

so..... a little guilty?  yes.  but also happy for those who stuck to their guns and have found success with their taper and seem to be making real progress. I'm proud of you all and hope you each get where you're going, and soon.

 

apologies and congratulations complete.  time to vent.  where this goes your guess is as good as mine.

 

when last we met I was stabilizing after my first wd episode.  being something I had never experienced before it had a massive impact on me.  It shook my foundations and I began to question everything I was.  after I stopped posting here I spent all of my time evaluating and reevaluating, building and tearing down and rebuilding and renovating, resetting and reprogramming myself.  I was like a monk.  I was determined to never feel that way again and I would go about never feeling that way again by fixing everything that was "wrong" with me.  it became obsession but I never noticed.  I just went deeper and deeper down into my head.  at some point I lost my way out, and there I stayed.....for almost two years.

 

during this time I was still holding at 25 mgs of sertraline, the same dose I reinstated with, and the same dose I take to this day.  also during this time there were short lived but extremely intense relationships that I fell in and out of continuously.  a pattern began to emerge and I discovered my trigger.  every time a relationship failed I was thrown into a spiral of wd symptoms.  its the single constant in every one of my episodes, which are many at this point.  so whats a monk to do?

 

well up until this point all my renovations and rebuilding and reprogramming seemed to center on my explosive emotions with the goal of better understanding them and living with them, even cultivating and encouraging them to come out.  at this point I wish to clarify I'm just a passionate person.  when I refer to my emotions as explosive I don't mean to imply violence.  but back to the original question: whats a monk to do?  well I decided my emotions were becoming a problem so I went about finding a way to restrain them once again. to put the genie back in the bottle. and I did just that. and it was much easier than I care to admit.... and it worked better than I care to admit too.  for a time anyway..... then came the serious girl....... and our serious relationship.

 

forgive me.  I know it seems like this is now all about relationships and not recovery so ill be brief.  she was responsible for pulling me out of my head and teaching me it was ok to be me.  I doubt I have to elaborate any further than that to get the gist of the impact this relationship had on me across.  we were inseparable.  and now she's gone.  and now I'm here again on sa.

 

so.... the point of all of that was to explain the trigger I have found. the only trigger known to me to touch off any wd episode I have ever had.  am I correct in this assumption? I don't really know all I can do is recognize the patterns in my life and react accordingly.  obviously being proactive instead of reactive would be best but thats not possible for me when it comes to matters of the heart.

 

so lets talk recovery shall we?  I am ten days into an episode right now.  I have learned much about myself in the last three years. each episode has been easier to deal with than the last.  I am to a point within myself now that I feel comfortable dealing with my symptoms and have confidence in my ability to pull through.  I hold for now still but look forward to the day when I feel ready to begin a taper. any day now......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Gridley
22 minutes ago, oops44 said:

a pattern began to emerge and I discovered my trigger.

Sounds like you've been doing a lot of hard work, oops.  Good for you and welcome back.

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ChessieCat

Have you considered seeing a counsellor to teach you relationship skills?

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oops44

hi gridley its nice to meet you. I appreciate the welcome although I must confess its a strange feeling being back here.  this place and the people here helped me through a very bad time.  consequently there are some memories attached to this place.  some good, some not so good,  but overall positive once I get past the sheer terror that is what brought me here.

 

hello chessie cat I hope you're well.  I can't say I haven't considered counseling, however I have not for relationships.  I appreciate your concern though.  

 

after I finished typing that up I thought to myself "this is going to give people the wrong idea." and I almost didn't post it but then I figured I might as well because its what I'm feeling right now.  I usually make a conscious effort to leave that kind of talk out of my thread but sometimes I overflow and things just spill out.  I don't want you to think its some sort of hang up of mine.  just venting.

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ChessieCat

Other members may find it helpful.  We are all dealing with a variety of (different) things and finding others going through something similar and how they cope with it can sometimes help others.

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oops44

sometimes you have an idea or a thought, it could be about anything really, and thats how it stays. just a thought in your noggin.  never fully formed never realized never acted upon.  it dissipates and you forget it ever existed.  take that same thought and speak it aloud though and suddenly it becomes something more real.  it takes on substance and can effect the world outside of the world inside your head.  this strange property of verbalization is useful to me as I try to work out problems and solutions by making the whole exercise more real.  I used to keep a diary for this reason.  I don't know why it works all I know is when I speak or write my thoughts they cease being just thoughts.

 

this post will now be me talking to myself while I work some things out.

 

its been raining for days and its getting to me in a bad way.  winter up here starts soon are you gonna hunker down or go south?  you have to make your stand somewhere can't run forever.  I think you should stay..........  you need to make up your mind and soon.........  we'll come back to this think about it.

 

you're not really going to post this are you? just delete it once you're done.  settle down its fine.  its not fine its gibberish and you're gonna freak these people out.  so be it.

 

you can't taper yet you have no support stop thinking about it.

 

it got pretty bad today not intense but it was bad I'm worried.  you're scattered you need to focus.  this is going nowhere I need decisions no more waiting it out in limbo snap out of it winter is coming what are you going to do?........im staying. final answer.  done.  good. we have much to do and not much time to do it in so no more lollygaggin.

 

you should stay here and build a life.  if not here where?  I know.  build a life = support.  I know.  then why not?..........  I don't know.  you don't need to know everything about a thing to do that thing.........  we'll come back to this think about it.

 

you can't keep going without support.  you've run up against a wall don't go around you have to go over or through.  if you go around you'll get lost again.  you have to face the wall and you know what you have to do to do it so do it.  can you do that?.........yes.  try to build a life?  yes ill try its the new project now.  good.

 

 

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oops44

please don't think I'm weird........

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