oops44: caught unaware by sertraline / Zoloft withdrawal

[ChessieCat]

 

Journalling - Therapeutic Writing & Health Benefits

 

Please ensure that if you have any questions which you want a response to that it is in a separate post from your general journalling otherwise they may get overlooked. 

 

The other alternative would be to journal offline or create a website blog.  I have a free website that is only accessible if people are given the web address.  It will not come up in a search.

 

[oops44]

thanks for the link chessie, thats a nice thread.  I went and got a note pad so ill be going that route.  just have to remember not to leave it sitting out for prying eyes to find.  had an incident or two when that happened and thats why I stopped writing in the first place.  

 

this wave is still rocking my boat but it isn't anything I can't handle.  heres hoping for smooth sailing for everyone else.

[oops44]

first time the sun has come out in seven days today and it was glorious.  so much rain lately the worms had to come up for air.  I spent an hour relocating them to higher, softer ground.  all on company time lol.  

 

it was the most care free day I've had in two weeks.  very easy on the mind.  can't ask for much more than that, ya?

[oops44]

little by little and day by day I'm slowly coming out of this wave but its not done with me yet.  been back to eating and sleeping regularly for almost a week now which is usually a sign that im pulling through the worst of it.  

 

so thats the good news, now for the better news.

 

I've been, well...... content.  satisfied.  at ease even.  for some time now with myself.  I haven't felt the need to do anything drastic to my personality.  ive been able to just let my whole modus operandi be.  zero tinkering.  I feel very pleased with that.  it feels like progress or an achievement or something, its like "congratulations oops for finally feeling like you don't have to change something about yourself for once in your life!".

 

so like I said I started noticing this a while ago, but it wasn't until recent events Ive already spoken about in previous posts that it has truly been tested.  my cycle in order has been as follows:  bad event triggers wave, wave triggers brooding about perceived flaws within myself, I set out to fix them, and finally.... rebirth.  new me.  then I hurl myself at someone or something I probably shouldn't have to see how my adjustments hold up.  this has at times led to engaging in high risk behavior.  really stupid.....

 

but this time i have suffered through a triggering event stronger than usual and haven't fallen back into the same chain of events.  ive managed to let myself be this time and in doing so have broken the cycle.  I don't know what all that means just yet but it makes me hopeful.  

 

don't get me wrong, the cycle has made me who I am and I like that.  its just nice to be able to take a rest from all the tinkering.  it can be exhausting.  

 

so..... a possible new level of stability for me and a new hope for the future and a new direction to aim myself.  im just not seeing anything bad in that.

[Carmie]

Hi oops, 

 

Glad to see you’re coming out of this wave slowly. It always feels great when some of the symptoms begin to subside, doesn’t it?

 

How is your journaling going? Did you start it? I used to journal heaps and I found it so beneficial, but I’ve been slack lately. I must take it up again. There’s something about getting your thoughts out of your head and written down, I think it gives whatever you’re going through a bit more clarity. 

 

Take care, sending hugs🤗

[oops44]

17 hours ago, Carmie said:

How is your journaling going? Did you start it?

 

hey carmie welcome to my thread.  its nice to hear from you finally.  ive seen you buzzing around the place since ive been back.  you're a very prolific poster.  good stuff bearing much fruit.  you should be proud of your contribution here I can see many people find your encouragement and positivity helpful.  

 

yes I have been writing again for about a week now.  it helps tremendously, when it isn't keeping me up writing too late that is, but dearest diary waits for no one.  not even me.  seems my whole life is a diary right now and I am purging myself everywhere.  hard to say to what end but I trust the process completely as it is one I am intimately familiar with and it hasn't led me astray yet.  yay writing!!

 

hope you're doing well and have a great time at the engagement party.  cut loose you deserve it, ya?

 

so is "engagement party" australian for bachelorette party?

 

 

[Carmie]

Hi oops, 

 

Thanks for your kind words.

 

An engagement party is a party people have before they get married. It’s because they’ve gotten engaged to be married, thus the term. It’s for both the future bride and the groom. There will be lots of yummy food and dancing, and they get presents. I told a friend of mine that I’m going to an engagement party and she didn’t know what is was either, she’s from Poland. I wonder if only Australians do this? You’re from the USA and they don’t do it there either?

 

That’s cool you’ve been journaling for a week. I haven’t done it in ages, but I might do some today. I’m too sick to get out of bed today due to my illness, so I’ll need to add some self care to the day. Yay for writing indeed!! I’ve got so much in my life I’m dealing with I could be journaling all day. 😂 

 

Take care💚

[oops44]

@Carmie

in the US we have whats called bachelor and bachelorette parties.  typically done just before the wedding and stereotypically wild events.  the former is a boys night out and the latter is just for the ladies.  the point being to get one last hurrah as a single in before you tie the knot.  absolute debauchery can ensue.  your engagement party seems to be more of a celebration of the engagement and some well wishing among friends and family if im not mistaken.  I think I like the austailian way better.

 

 

[RachelSusan]

Hi Oops,

 

I read your post on my thread and decided to come over here and read your most recent posts in order to catch up on what is going on with you. It is really great to hear from you. While I am happy you are back I am saddened to hear that you have had some tough times. It does sound like you are onto something in your thinking about the emotional aspects of your life.

 

Yes I have stuck around and have gotten down to 2.375mg of Zoloft.  And don't forget that .375.  I track all increments, no matter how small. 😀 At times it has been brutal and at times not too bad.

 

I do want to thank you for your great posts back in 2016.  Your sense of humor really kept me going. I was so down and your posts were one small bit of sunlight in my life and and it appears in others as well.  It's also hard to be believe that it's been that long ago. Crazy.

 

It sounds like you are pulling out of your wave.  I hope you continue to come out of it.  We are all here for you should you need support.

 

 

 

 

[oops44]

@RachelSusan

im glad I was able to help, even if just a little.  it means a lot to me.  

 

I read in your thread they call you warrior woman now 😁 HELL YA!!!!  good thread btw its a nice read.

 

wishing you continued success on your taper.  knock em dead.

 

 

[oops44]

the last four days ive felt the anxiety building slowly and today it was very bad.  not so much intense as just always there waiting if I let my guard down.  have to make a conscious effort continually to keep it from spiraling into something worse.  its getting harder to tell the difference between my wd symptoms and the lingering feelings from recent events ive been dealing with.  heartache and anxiety feel very similar to me.  

 

its rough and it hurts dealing with them both at the same time but thats the way it goes I guess, ya?  can't wait to go through it all again.  as many times as it takes until I get it right.

[RachelSusan]

Sorry to hear it has been difficult.  If you have emotional stress going on it can exacerbate WD, conversely if you have withdrawal going on it can effect emotional situations. So what I am saying is that you probably won't be able to figure out which is which.  I tried not to make any serious decisions while I was in withdrawal, however it is not always possible to avoid doing so.  I hope you feel better soon.

[FarmGirlWorks]

 

On 9/19/2019 at 7:27 PM, oops44 said:

I've been, well...... content.  satisfied.  at ease even.  for some time now with myself.  I haven't felt the need to do anything drastic to my personality.  ive been able to just let my whole modus operandi be.  zero tinkering.  I feel very pleased with that.  it feels like progress or an achievement or something, its like "congratulations oops for finally feeling like you don't have to change something about yourself for once in your life!".

 

Wow, so inspirational. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, always wanting to improve myself and "then" I'll be better. I love that you got out of that rabbithole to nowhere. And, as another Zoloft warrior, good on you for continuing the good fight. It's hard sometimes but we can't let the bastards win.

[oops44]

@RachelSusan

I hear what you're saying, unfortunately this emotional stress is here to stay for now.  its just my way I guess.  as long as I don't get dog piled by everything else along with it all at once im usually pretty good at dealing with it but this time of year is notoriously stressful for me and this year is no exception.  the big push to get done what needs getting done before winter settles in for the next six months.  and since im hunkering down to ride it out instead of fleeing south like I normally do I have even more I need to get done and not a lot of time to do it.  makes one feel a bit under the gun but I should be ready in time.  

 

so.... sometimes its the little things that get to you the most ya know?  the big things always seem so much easier to deal with.  they're cut and dry. black and white. simple.  the little things always occupy the gray areas.  I don't like shades of gray.  I don't know if you're familiar with one of the members here called rocking chair cat, but I think he would refer to what im talking about as a "nit noid event proctor of the universe".  I realize you probably have no idea what on earth im babbling on about right now.  I guess that makes two of us :^)

 

ah yes, little things.  do you know how much caffeine is in a snapple tea?  about 15mg.  strong coffee can be up to 200mg,  I stopped drinking coffee three years ago after I became sensitive to it and started drinking snapple tea in the morning instead.  its just a little caffeine after all right?  it almost doesn't even count.  

 

well ive been pretty anxious the last few days and I got to thinking about that little bit of caffeine quite a bit, so this morning I decided to go without my snapple and the difference was night and day.  thats how I like my differences.  it makes the decisions concerning them much easier to make.  

 

so no more harmless little snapple for me.  what a newbie mistake.

 

thanks for listening rs and thanks for the support.  I feel like I should be trying to help you still but it seems you've got things pretty well in hand and thats awesome.

[oops44]

@FarmGirlWorks

hi eff gee dubya welcome to the oops show.  ive been in your intro reading off and on here and there since coming back.  yours is one of a few stories that keep me going and helps in maintaining a positive outlook through all this mess.  its one of the ones I keep as sort of an ace in the hole for times of need, like when waking bolt upright at three in the morning in a panic.  it occupies and calms until I can get back to sleep.  thank you.

 

yes I would say learning to like myself for who I am would qualify as a watershed event.  like foundational.  I feel I can really build something off of this in a way I never felt I could prior.  its a good place to be.  I highly recommend it.

 

all the best to you.

[RachelSusan]

That dangerous Snapple Tea!!!!! I like Snapple a lot but I too had to give up caffeine back in 2016. Heartbreaking I tell you. (said with a twinkle in my eye).

 

And yes, it's is the little things that get to all of us. I agree.

 

 

[oops44]

I finished moving just in time, so .... phase 1 complete I guess....  now what?  I knew I should have come up with a phase 2 of this plan.  I do have a vague outline of what I want to happen though.  basically I need to settle down and stop bouncing around.  I need to create a stable life work, home, and love-wise.  balance the external things a little better, ya?  Ive spent enough time looking inward now its time to direct my focus outwardly.  should be interesting.  its a whole new world to conquer.

 

I wonder which one is bigger, the world inside or the one outside.

[oops44]

a query for the community:  

 

generally speaking, approximately when after you began tapering did you start to notice an increase in withdrawal symptoms?  I realize this is a question that probably doesn't have a definitive answer but im attempting to build a timeline to better understand what I can expect and possibly time my taper with life events accordingly.  I am aware of the naivety of such a question but I figured I would ask anyway just in case anyone has any insight.  my best guess is anywhere from a few days to a few months, judging from my own experiences.  considering the new sensitivities a have acquired over the years im guessing im in for a more immediate response myself.

 

currently I am in the process of stabilizing my life situation in anticipation of beginning my taper.  I just dont think I could pull it off successfully amid the general chaos my situation has usually existed in.  far too much uncertainty and ambiguity and lack of realtime real life support.  the pieces are coming together neatly and it won't be long now.  should make for interesting times.  it will be nice to have a real world objective to strive for.  I always function better when I have a goal to attain, a destination to reach, a dragon to slay.

 

 

 

 

[RachelSusan]

Hi Oops

As you know everybody is different.  For me I usually get mild symptoms 5 days after I taper and they last for about 10 days, sometimes a little more.  Because I am doing such a small amount, around 5%, and only taper every 4 to 5 weeks the symptoms sort of run in the background and I compare it to having a very mild cold. I don't mean the symptoms are like a cold but they are on that level of disruption in my life.  On scale from 1 to 10 with 1 being the lowest amount of symptoms it ranges from a 1 to a 3. 

[oops44]

@RachelSusan

 

mild is good.  mild is what im hoping for myself.  originally I was thinking I would reduce by 10% until I reached a dose that was achieving less than 80% transporter occupancy, then go even slower, say 5%.  as it turns out that dose would be 50mg and im taking 25mg so that puts me @ 70% occupancy already and the percentages decay exponentially from there.  my point is I think ill just start out with 5% cuts right from the outset just to make it easy on myself.  im in no hurry ive got nothing but time.

[LostInMarshes]

Hi oops44, I subscribed to your thread, so will be following your progress

[oops44]

@Stormstrong

 

hai stormy nice to see you and welcome to my thread, it aint much but its mine!  pull up a chair and relax.  hope all is well with you and your birdies.  now that I think about it we are all injured birds of a feather here at SA.  all doing our best to learn to fly again.....

 

so how the flock am I doing?  I think this last wave has for the most part passed and I seem to be on a fairly even keel presently.  no complaints here on my end.  just trying to keep looking forward and put one foot in front of the other.  with a little luck next time I stop to look around ill find I finally made it home.

[oops44]

so lets talk wd symptoms shall we?  generally I dont like to get too into them here but this one is interesting.  

 

well theres the brain zaps, but everyone knows thats just the aliens contacting you from the mothership.  no biggie ill take that over abduction and vigorous probing any day of the week.  what I really want to talk about are these loud noises in my head that happen just as im falling asleep.  usually its something like a door slamming, or a tree snapping in half, or someone strumming an acoustic guitar extremely hard one time then bending the strings as it fades away.  ive heard other things, but its always something quick and loud and occasionally confusing, depending on how sleepy I am, and i usually just chuckle a bit roll over and get back to the business of sleeping.  I mean these things happen and its never been all that concerning to me.  however after I started taking the sertraline came the explosions.  very defined, very rich, very realistic and very very loud.  unlike the slamming doors there is no question that it came from inside my head.  there was just a different quality to the explosions so I googled it out of curiosity and wouldn't you know the eggheads have a name for it: "exploding head syndrome", and other than a cool name thats all they really know about it.  similar in its disruptiveness to the brain zap which also began after the sertraline, but other than that my biggest concern would be maybe accidentally biting my tongue from the sudden jolt.  they dont really rank very high on my give a damn scale.  I only bring them up because I had a new noise last night which can only be described as the sound made by a piano being dropped from about four stories high, like the old cartoon gag.  seems people were always being crushed by stray pianos or hit with pies in the face or slipping on banana peels when I was a kid.  I get the impression these things aren't as common today as they once were though.  

[HopeforHealing]

Hello, oops!  Your last post is brilliant and has given me some great chuckles.  I don't laugh much these days.  People used to tell me that they loved my rambunctious laugh.  I have hope that it will return someday.  Your posts have brought smiles and laughter to my otherwise zombie-fied existence, so thank you so much for that.

 

You are an extremely talented writer!  In fact, reading your posts has reminded me how I used to love language.  That love has been dampened by the drugs and withdrawal, but I hope it will reemerge as I go through this journey.  These lines in particular from 7/19/16 are fantastic:

On 7/19/2016 at 8:17 AM, oops44 said:

welp, we will one day wince at the ways we wailed and wasted away while the world watched wondering. 

 

sorry about that. i think the W on my keyboard must have been stuck.

I just love the alliteration!!  It's a sobering observation, but it's delivered with such humor!  ☺️

[oops44]

@HopeforHealing

 

why thank you for the kind words H4H.  being able to brighten someones day even just a little in turn brightens mine.  its a shame to hear careless doctors have stifled another voice of laughter, and a rambunctious one to boot :^(  next they'll come for the honkers, and the snorters after that.  they must be stopped!

 

maybe im just feeling idealistically sentimental* but it seems to me the loss of a rambunctious sounding laugh is a stain on society and makes the world that much darker.  I hope things turn for you soon and you feel rambunctious once again.

 

*patent pending

[oops44]

eh, rough couple days..... holidays really, and now its december first and I am just not ready for that.  time keeps getting faster every year and I can't figure out what to do about it.  or if I can do anything about it.  got a bit of the fear of fear going on, less so actually.  more like the fear of fear of fear.  im just gonna try to hold on and get through this next week or so and assess how I feel about it then.  maybe its nothing maybe its something.  we shall see.

[oops44]

alright we seem to have made it through thanksgiving relatively unscathed.  a quick pause to catch my breath before the back-to-back christmas/new years combo, then it should be smooooooooth sailing....  right?  and then on to 2020 and a year of perfect hindsight.

 

see?  everythings gonna be fantastic just you wait.  no sweat!

[oops44]

welp, in preparation of my taper, today I began the process of switching from pills to liquid.  I plan on eating my dose in a half pill and half liquid format for a few weeks before I make the switch to all liquid for a few weeks before I start making reductions.  ive opted to make my own solution rather than ask for a liquid prescription from the doc because screw the doc ill do it myself.  plus im a diy kinda guy anyway.  also I dont like asking for things from people....especially people I dont like, such as the doc.  

 

did I mention im not a fan of the doc?  they're all about as useless as the "ay" in okay.

[RachelSusan]

Wow, this is fabulous. I will be following you. I am sure things will go smoothly.  Yippie, Yippie, Yippie. And yes I get the idea the Doc isn't your favorite.

[Carmie]

Hi oops, 

 

All the best with your crosstaper. I changed from pill to liquid a long time ago too and made my own formula. Tapering with liquid is great because you can make the amount you want to cut really easily. As I go into the lower numbers I’ll just keep adding more water. 

 

Sending hugs🤗

[oops44]

hi @Carmie!!!!  hope all is well with you.  thanks for checking up on us.

 

this cross taper thing is easy peasy lemon squeezy.  three days into it now and this whole tapering business is practically in the bag.  done deal.  no sweat.  ill be down to zero in no time, ya? 🙀 🙀 🙀

[Carmie]

Love your sense of humour Oops, 

 

I’m glad the crossover is easy peasy lemon squeezy🍋😆 I’m too braindead to read a lot of your thread but are you still on 25mg as your signature says or does it need to be updated?

 

All the best💚

[oops44]

the signature is still accurate for now.  itll be a few weeks or a month or two of weening myself from solid to liquid before I start tapering.  im in no rush.  its gonna be a nice and unnecessarily slow taper, mostly because im too scared to do it too unnecessarily fast.  better to err on the side of caution I suppose. 

[oops44]

alrighty well I am definitely experiencing my first anxiety attack since I began the process of switching over to liquid, however im pretty sure it has less to do with the switch and more to do with my involvement in a difficult and emotional situation combined with a smattering of extreme circumstances sprinkled on top.  completely my fault I walked right into it even though I knew better than to and now I guess I just have to ride it out.

 

other than that the switch seems to be going well enough.  still doing the half pill half liquid thing.  at first there was a big difference.  it just felt..... well, different.  more ampy.  it started smoothing out after a few days though.  also if taken on an empty stomach the liquid can cause some discomfort.

 

so thats the current sit rep.  just gotta get past this hiccup and then make it through new years.

[oops44]

well it was touch and go there for a bit but it looks like we made it through the holidays. a little sketchy but i guess it wasn’t all bad. i even managed to have a good time through it all. i don’t know what it is about this time of year but it stresses me out somethin fierce. 

 

i officially switched to all liquid today. probably just let that ride for a month or so and see what’s what. i expect things will continue as they have been, which is to say pretty smooth and trouble free thus far. 

 

slow and steady is still the master plan. 

 

i hope things are going smooth and steady for everyone else as well. keep on keepin on. stiff upper lip. pip pip cheerio and all that rut.....

[RachelSusan]

The holidays are difficult. I hope things continue to stay smooth for you.

Best of luck!