Katch

[Katch]

Now I fully understand what it means when someone says: My bones hurt! And boy! Do they hurt!!!!!

That's the 'gift' i got from my latest wave. Ordered some calcium in case it helps. 

[Katch]

I really had enough! I’m mentally exhausted from pushing through this. I so wish I did not have to but I have to work.  All I want to do is cuddle up in bed for at least a week and don’t move a muscle and just let my body do whatever hell it wants to do as long as I don’t have to do anything, think about anything and talk to anybody. Nothing,  just long mental break from having to deal with the life outside of this.  My mental stamina had it! 

[scallywag]

Have you been keeping notes of your symptoms and when you take your doses? If so, please post your notes for the last few days here in your intro thread. Let's see if we can help you troubleshoot and figure out a next step.
 
If you haven't been keeping notes, please keep notes on paper of your symptoms and the times of your dose(s). This post has a useful format for a daily log:
Take notes of doses and symptoms

[Katch]

Hi scallywag,

 

I only take 3mg of Lexapro every morning  and have been for a while. I’m refusing to start tapering further until I feel ready and I don’t.

 

I stopped keeping log of my symptoms because it led to nothing – just too much self observation and analysis that drove me insane and made me anxious.

I also do not try to figure out anymore what triggers the waves because at the end of the day it is always just a guess plus each wave seem to be triggered by something else.  I also learned the best way to deal with the wave is just to get out of its way and let it run its course.

 

I’m in kind of weird state of mind where I feel I could cope with my wave if I only I did not have to worry about anything else.  As I said, I’m tired of pushing myself.  And I really only push myself where I need to – mainly work. It feels like my waves are getting better but my tolerance to them is getting lower. I guess,  it’s just been too long. Hence my wish of having one week just with my duvet where the only problem i have is the wave. Just one week to get some mental rest from the other pressures. Just to regroup.

[scallywag]

Got it.  I probably misinterpreted your post as a question rather than an update.

 

A week with under the duvet sounds delightful. In my version of that fantasy there would be deliveries of tea or hot chocolate on demand.

[Katch]

hahaha. You just made me fantasize! Tea, hot chocolate, feet rubs, massages, meals cooked....... I'd better wake up and stick with my very modest demand of just me, my duvet, one week.........

[Katch]

I had a week long window and then went for my thyroid checkup where i was told the results of the biopsy of my thyroid are 'suspicious'. That was not a news to me but the way this new doctor talked to me just freaked me out..... and that obviously triggered another wave. I don't even know anymore if my anxiety is withdrawal anxiety or I'm freaking about the damn thyroid. But my legs are hurting again, I have pressure in my teeth....and I have started to take some propolis so wave is definitely on.  But the anxiety is particularly bad today. Hasn't been this bad for a while. 

I just want to be ok for a while. Not even happy. Just ok. I want to worry about what to wear to work, not about if I can make it work.......you know, that kind of stuff.

8 months and somehow I'm losing the sight of the light at the end of that damn tunnel!

[yyeehhaaww]

Tunnel is still there....

 

Tunnel vision - defective sight in which objects cannot be properly seen if not close to the center of the field of view.

[Katch]

I'm too well aware of the tunnel yyeehhaaww. It's the light i'm struggling with right now.

[yyeehhaaww]

woops, so sorry katch.... what I meant was light was still there....Please forgive me.....as I meant you no harm.  

 

coincedentally LC also posted about the same light/tunnel.....found this... hope it inspires and does not hurt you

 

http://www.thebestbrainpossible.com/the-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-or-a-train/

[Katch]

you did no harm whatsoever thank you for the article

[Chicago77]

 

I just want to be ok for a while. Not even happy. Just ok. I want to worry about what to wear to work, not about if I can make it work.......you know, that kind of stuff.

 

 

Yes I know exactly what you mean! I'm 9 months off Lexapro today. Sometimes I miss worrying about little stuff, like what to eat for dinner. Not gosh I really hope I don't get fired from my job today because I can barely keep my eyes open due to the debilitating fatigue. lol

[Katch]

in my 9th month now and the anxiety is just crazy. I know worrying about my thyroid probably triggered a wave which means that anxious as I am I cannot really handle worrying about my thyroid which than feeds back to the wave and that consequently makes me constantly freak about the thyroid which then............ARGGGGHHHH!

Frankly, I just cannot handle anything right now, no people, no noise - no sound rather, just thinking about eating something makes me anxious, thinking about any activity makes me anxious.....seriously, will this ever end?

[PatriciaVP]

Hi Katch,

So sorry to hear how awful you are feeling. Anxiety is the worst! I know how you feel about just wanting to hide under the covers for a while. How many times I just wanted to scream "Leave me alone!", but then when I am alone, I'm not happy either. Just can't win.

 

I know it's hard, but you are doing it. You have been so strong to keep going as you have. Day in and day out you have held up under circumstances that would have crushed most others. You deserve a gold medal!

 

If words could relieve your suffering, I'd write you an encyclopedia. Just know that there are so many pulling for you. You WILL make it through this. You are not alone.

 

Peace, love and healing.

[Katch]

Oh Patricia, 

If anybody deserves gold medal it's you - for, despite going through this mess yourself, always being so encouraging.

Thank you so much!

You have no idea how many times I just look at that last line of your signature and just keep saying to myself like a mantra - just keep swimming! I guess right now I just feel like I'm drowning and worrying about having thyroid cancer just keeps me under the water. Would really need to be able to get my head out again to take a nice long breath. So, so, so, sooooooo tired of this.

[PatriciaVP]

When will you find out what is going on with your thyroid?

[Katch]

waiting for appointment

[PatriciaVP]

Waiting can be such torture, but hopefully when the appointment comes it will bring good news. I will hold you in my thoughts until then.

 

{{{Hugs}}}

[Katch]

9^th month and the anxiety is really quite overwhelmingly crazy.

My last wave lasted only 10 days. This has been already almost 3 weeks and it freaks the hell out of me. The intensity of the anxiety is freaking me out too. What if it is not withdrawal anymore? I know healing is not linear but I thought the waves were supposed to get easier and shorter.  If I wasn’t so worried that upping the dose will make me worse, I would do it.

I hate this so much and I’m travelling on Sunday which is probably not going to help.

Really at the low point right now.

[Katch]

13th of December (Tuesday) increased my dose by 1mg - to 4mg. It feels like going backwards, like a failure.

[PatriciaVP]

Hi Katch,

 

Sorry you needed to increase your dose, but please don't consider it a failure. You're doing the best you can. Have you noticed any improvement since the increase.

 

I've felt pretty lousy myself lately. Depression I think. Having a hard time getting myself to do anything. Not wanting to leave my house. I just have to hang on to the belief that this is all just withdrawal and therefore temporary. My old social, active self is just hibernating, waiting for withdrawal to pass, and when it does she will come back to me. The waiting is excruciating, but what else am I going to do?

[Katch]

Hi all. I need some advice.

Just after Chrisas my period triggered absolutely paralysing anxiety. It was so bad I ended up in psychiatric hospital. They took my lexapro away and gave me something else (brintalix??) And some benzos that i have been secretely spitting out. The new AD did not work as i suspected and they finally agreed to give me the lexapro back. So since Tuesday i have been 10 mg of lexapro ( up from 5mg i was taking when i got to hosspital). Today, i woke up with paralysing anxiety again. Definitely considerably worse. Do you think it's because of the jump from 5 to 10 mg?. At this pont i am so full of doubt and worries i cannot think anymore. And they want to increase it to 15mg.

 

Any suggestions?

[scallywag]

Both medications and dose changes can trigger symptoms, including anxiety. I'm sorry but not surprised that the medical team at the hospital didn't have a good solution for the intense anxiety you're experiencing or that they're suggesting an increase in Lexapro.

 

Can you post more of a timeline, the dates for when you

• went to the hospital
• discontinued lexapro
• started brintellix
• stopped brintellix
• started lexapro at 10 mg. (Jan. 17?)

[Katch]

Thanks for the response

- i went to hospital on 3rd of January. That day i also took a last dose of 5mg of lexapro

- wednesday 4th of January I started to take 10g of brintalix and i stopped on Monday 16th of January

- started 10mg of lexapro on Tuesday 17th

- woke up feelung considerably worse on Friday 20th of January and the psychiatrist increased the dose to 15 mg. However i only took 7.5 mg and I am planning to do so even today and for the next few days.

Hope this helps.

[AliG]

Are you now on 7.5 mg Lexapro  ?  How long have you been on this dose ?  How long were you on 10 mg Lexapro ? 

 

12 days Brintellix ? Did you C/T ? 

[Katch]

Hi.

I have been on 7.5 mg of lexapro 2 days (including today). On 10mg lexapro for 3 days before that.

 

Yes, 12 days brintellix. After that they just switched me back to lexapro as brintellix wasn't doing anything

[AliG]

What dose do you feel you were the best on  ? As you have had a lot of variation , I understand that it might be hard to tell but never the less what do you think right now ?

[Katch]

I have not really felt good for a while so it really is difficult to say. Also all those recent changes definitely did not help. I feel like i need to establish some baseline first. So I think I am going to stick to 7.5 mg at least for few more days and then possibly increase to 10 mg if I need to. At the moment it means doing all this behid nurses' back which can be bit tricky but hell, it is my body and will not let them to mess it up completely.

[AliG]

Katch. I'm so sorry for what you have been through with the hospital etc. .

 

And some benzos that I have been secretely spitting out.  Did you take any of the benzo's ?

 

I think that is wise at this point . As you have been all over, I would pick a dose and stick to it. You need stability and I would hold for a good while.

 

You have been through some turbulent times and I think it would do you good to just HOLD for now.

 

Look into the non- drug coping methods. They will help to get you through this . 

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Ali

[Katch]

Thanks Alig.

I think I took few benzos the first couple of days in the hospital because I did not know what they were. But nothing since.

 

I feel rather frustrated having to go up after almost a year of withdrawal suffering. I think my healing reached the place where it was my hormones turn to get sorted out but i just could not cope.

Also, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer at the begining of December and I know i could not handle both the thyroid and the withdrawal.

Saying that, I am lucky. If there was a cancer that could be called 'good' it would be mine. It's good in that is very non-agressive and I might get away with having nothing done about it. As long as it is not growing or spreading.

So there are few supplements and herbs I want to try but it would be difficult durimg withdrawal when even vit B can be a massive issue.

So it is frustrating but i know at some stage i will start taperig again using all the lessons I have learned in the past year. I don't care if it takes me years to come off as long as i can keep living my life whilst doing it.

 

I would also like to add for everybody else reading this that my 'dodgy thyroid lump' as I lovingly call it, has been discovered before I started to take antidepressants. So I don't want anybody to panic that i got this from the antidepressants.

[AliG]

Katch.  What are you doing if anything for the diagnosis ?    

 

In regard to the supplements if I were you I would stick to the super foods  -  like cacao , maca, goji berries etc. Put them in a smoothie with a bit of almond milk and banana.

 

Please do the research . You don't always have to follow the " tried and true ' path.  " Gerson Therapy "  has been successful for some. 

[Katch]

Thanks Ali.

I definitely have no intention to go the standard medical route. When i had an appiontment with the surgeon he immediately suggested surgery. When i told him I don't want anybody to touch my thyroid unless it is absolutely necessary he almost fell of the chair.

 

Going non medical route was one of the reason i decided i have to stop the withdrawal and up the dose. I could not handle both.

 

So once I am stable mentally I want to approach it from several sides

- thorough detox through diet and some homeopathy

- i had some weird testimg done couple of month ago that came up with weak immune system and epstein barr virus. Did some reading on it and apparently EBV does cause issues with thyroid so

- i am going to work on immune system and

EBV - mainly through some targeted homeopathy and bee propolis

- i am going to try graviola - animal studies were extremely promising and anecdotal evidence is encouraging too

 

I already tried all of the above but in withdrawal it all made me really unwell. So i need get out of withdrawal first.

 

At this stage i just need to make sure it is not growing ( it hasn't since 2012) that will buye some time to try to get rid of it.

[AliG]

Good luck. I hope it goes well.

[Katch]

As it is difficult to make sure I am getting exactly 7.5g every day, I decided to go up to 10mg. It is the only way to ensure stable dose whilst I am still in hospital. It s already tricky to keep spitting all the other poisons they are giving me out yet alone to cut the pills. Hopefully i will survive.

[Katch]

So I'm out of hospital as they could not really help. The only option left apparently was ECT which i refused. So on 10 mg of lexapro but so far it has not helped.

I think I have reached the stage where my body is trying to sync the brain with my hormones and it is not pretty. Pretty much the whole cycle is dodgy. Any slight hormonal shift is a bit struggle. Period is a nightmare. Then i have about 2-3 days when I feel semi-human and then my body starts to prepare for ovulation which it seems to struggle with so I ovulate late. Then i have another 2-3 days of feeling semi-human and then PMS hits. 

 

At the moment I struggle with it all and doubt it is all withdrawal. I'm catastrophising this will never end and I'm stuck in this **** for the rest of my life.

I just want my life back!!!!!

[KarenB]

Well, it's good you're back out of hospital, but I can see you're still really struggling.  If you can hold now at 10mg for at least a few months that will probably give your CNS a chance to stabilise. 

 

Hormones do get out of whack after antidepressant use and during w/d.  So you're going to need a plan for how to manage those times when the anxiety ramps up.  What things have you tried?  A combination of things is usually best, as a single thing will let you slip through the cracks too easily.  I recall using Emotional Freedom Technique, guided meditations, gentle yoga, keeping hydrated, epsom salt baths, and seeing friends regularly. 

 

Are you using fish oil and magnesium?