Rico: Zyprexa tapering

[Rico]

Hi all,

 

It has been a long time since my last post.

 

I am pleased to say that my battle with getting off zyprexa is over, although I am conscious of protracted withdrawal symptoms popping up.

 

The last 6 months have been hell, and I was hospitalized 3 times in the process.

 

After I completely screwed up my tapering last year, I ended up in hospital. Zyprexa was making me very sick. My new pdoc withdrew it CT and replaced it with valium to manage the withdrawal. This worked initially, but I didn't last too long. After 1 week, I was back in hospital with severe anxiety and insomnia. My doctor then used Lorazepam to manage my symptoms. This was worse, because after 2 weeks of Lorazepam (he had tapered it down to 0), the withdrawal from both the benzo and zyprexa were at play. My doctor literally told me to suck it up and said there was nothing further he can do.

 

I spent hours on the couch vibrating with intense anxiety. I had no choice but to persevere. At times, I would leave the house at 2am and just walk to the station (30min) and catch a train into the city and pass out somewhere. I was doing whatever I can to just survive. On one occasion, I sat in a park near a big church and just bawled my eyes out.

 

Unfortunately, I don't have supportive parents. They were brainwashed a long time ago by my original psychiatrist and they felt that I needed to be drugged up. After an altercation at my sister's house, they called an ambulance. I wasn't violent or in danger of harming myself, I just expressed my emotions. My family thinks this means I am unwell.

 

I got thrown into a hospital, which actually withdrew the Epilim I was on Cold turkey and left me just on Lithium. I was only there for 8 days and they suggested family counselling to my parents, but my parents refused. They actually wanted me to stay longer in hospital and my father actually abused the psychiatrist and told him that I should be on more medication.

 

My family are bad news and have been for a long time.

 

After discharge, I started to feel better. I thought that maybe now I can reduce the Lithium, having "conquered" the zyprexa and Epilim. It wasn't long before I became manic and I ended up in hospital after joking around with a police officer asking him if I could borrow his car.

 

The hospital (a different one) and probably the worst one in Australia, put me on 30mg of Zyprexa as well as upping the Lithium dose - back to 1350mg.

 

I was extremely sick and I fought hard to have the zyprexa reduced. I also managed to get transferred to a private hospital because I feared that they were going to draw up a community treatment order. I also discovered that my mother (whom I lived with at the time) dobbed me in and told the doctors that I had stopped all medication.

 

My pdoc at the private hospital was very understanding and he tapered the zyprexa to 0 without benzos or any other drug. I was surprised that after stopping the 2.5 tablet that I actually slept and starting feeling better. The sleep wasn't great, but there was no severe anxiety or insomnia. I put this down to zyprexa simply not working for me anymore. I was getting severe nerve pain at night while I was on it, and this stopped immediately.

 

It has been a few weeks now on just Lithium 1350 (slow release) and I am doing very well. My mood is very stable and I sleep ok considering the circumstances. My doctor does not want me to come off lithium though. My plan is to re-assess this in 6 months time. I simply can't take the risk of going back to hospital and placed on zyprexa again.

 

I also moved away from my family and living with my very supportive girlfriend. I can see now how toxic it was to be living with my mother who is two-faced and over-protective.

 

I am currently searching for work and keen to move forward. I have been off work for over a year battling with these drugs and being hospitalized 10 times.

 

Unfortunately, I did not taper properly from the start and follow advice from this forum - especially regarding zyprexa. By the time I started to taper properly, zyprexa was making me very sick and I ended up in ER a number of times due to neurological pain in the left side of my body.

 

I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I went through. Medication seems to behave differently when it is stopped and started. I think this makes subsequent tapering more difficult.

 

I know I am not out of the woods yet, but I feel that if I stay away from my family and take it easy, I will be ok. I also will not taper lithium just yet, but when I do, it will be extremely slow - maybe 5% every 4-6 weeks. I don't care if it takes two years - it is better than a lifetime.

 

I don't really consider this a success story, but rather an example of what happens when tapering is not done correctly. Luckily, I escaped, but it has come at a huge cost.

 

My residual symptoms/issues are:

 

- sleep not 100%. I am sleeping on average 4-5 hours, but it is much better than the drugged 8 hours before where I just turn off at night.

- weight and metabolic issues. The weight is not falling off as it did when I was younger.

- secondary hypogonadism - this was from the paliperidone injection 3 years ago and I need to see the endo again as my testosterone levels are low.

- body temperature regulation - my body temperature is out of wack but I believe lithium is the culprit not withdrawal symptoms as I have experienced this before on just lithium.

- brain fog / memory issues - this has been around for a while, but still continuing.

 

I hope I continue improving because I do want to work and make something positive out of my life.

 

Thanks to everyone who helped me and I apologise for the frustration that I caused you by not following advice correctly.

 

I now have a profound respect for tapering at the current dose and I encourage anyone embarking on this journey to embrace this method.

 

Lots of love,

Rico

[Happy2Heal]

wow Rico, you've really been thru a lot, but in spite of it all, you've got a great attitude!!

I am glad you're away from your parents and with someone supportive. that can make a huge difference.

 

I pray that things go a lot more smoothly for you from here on out!!

 

good luck with your lithium taper.

[Shep]

Rico, thank you for your update.

 

You have had quite a journey. I'm glad you're feeling better and will be holding on the lithium until you stabilize.

 

I'm glad you're away from your family for now, as that sounds like quite a toxic environment. I hope you're finding peace now and can concentrate on taking care of yourself and finally freeing yourself from these drugs. 

 

Unfortunately, we make poor advocates for ourselves when we're in withdrawal and having severe symptoms, so you did a great job of navigating through a very difficult obstacle course and coming out on less drugs. 

 

If it helps any, I came off my last drug cocktail rapid taper and cold turkey from 6 drugs and I'm healing. So your journey is a very rocky one, but one that I know you'll recover from. 

 

Please do a lot of self care, as you may be feeling some waves and window activity for quite awhile. I have no doubt that you'll find work and make something positive out of your life. 

 

Please keep updating. 

[Madeleine]

Nice to read your update. So glad to read you are feeling better.

[Rico]

Hi all, thanks for the replies to my update.

 

It's been a month now off zyprexa and I am doing OK. I actually fall asleep now and get tired, but can only manage 4-5 hours of sleep. The quality of the sleep is not the best, but it is a lot better than when I was on zyprexa.

 

I had a bit of a set back this week. My girlfriend and I had a couple of days of arguments and fighting, which was quite stressful for both of us. The stress and negative emotions involved was quite destabilising for me though. I felt quite dysfunctional and depressed afterwards and only a week later am I starting to bounce back. My capacity to deal with stress is quite low at the moment, and to be honest, I don't think I know how to deal with stress, because I haven't had to in the past when I was so drugged up.

 

I gave up smoking for three days recently because I could barely breathe from a chest infection. I must say, that although the withdrawals from the cigarettes are awful, I felt much calmer inside and did sleep better. Now that my chest infection is better, I have resumed smoking. I know, I am so silly, but I will try to quit again soon.

 

Mentally, I don't feel very sharp and my memory is absolutely shocking. I can function and hold a conversation and be attentive, but my ability to do more complex thinking is not there right now. I am seeing an endocronologist today to see what the blood tests have revealed. My male hormones are non-existent and things are worse than they were when I was on zyprexa. It feels like my pituitary gland has just stopped working. I am conscious of not getting too detailed about this in a forum, but let's just say that ever since 2 injections of Invega Sustenna or Paliperidone in late 2014, my sexuality has been on the decline. I was diagnosed with secondary hypogonadism and was told that my only chance of recovery was to lose weight. This is was when I became really serious about getting off zyprexa...Now, more than 2 years later, I am finally off it but my body has paid a heavy price.

 

I am at that stage in my recovery where i am reflecting on the past again - which for me is a good sign. All the trauma that is stored in my body (especially last year), is "speaking" to me again. It is hard to process. Now that I have moved away from my toxic family, things are easier. I can actually wake up at 2am and do my own thing and not be harassed and interrogated by my mother who thinks that I must be "unwell" if I am only getting 4-5 hours sleep. Unfortunately, this is a result of the conditioning my parents had from my initial psychiatrist, who literally told them that any sleep less than 8 hours must mean that the meds are not right.

 

It sucks to live in a world that is so ignorant about psychiatric medication yet have so much power over you because you have a diagnosis of a mental illness.

 

Thanks everyone

Rico

[Madeleine]

Good to hear from you and great news that you are off zyprexa!   It's only a month off, for you, so  I think all the "issues" you mentioned will be resolved, i.e. improved in time.  

I got off zyprexa too, about 2.5 weeks ago, will be 3 weeks this coming weekend.  Like for you, my sleep is not great. I wake up after about 4 hours of sleep, but thankfully I've been able to fall asleep again for a couple of hours at least after I wake up, so total sleep time isn't too bad.  Yesterday, I actually slept an extra hour before I woke up, so 5 hours, for the first time since I stopped zyprexa, so am pleased about that.

 

I still have to get off 200 (what a huge dose  of zoloft). I"m going to start in a while after I feel more confident about my stability in light of the recent zyprexa-free status.  

You are drug free, I think right? Or are you still on the other stuff?   

Nice to hear your update, and I do think you will heal well.

With best wishes,

 

M.

[Rico]

Hi Madeleine,

 

I hope your zyprexa withdrawal is going well and all the best for your next taper.

 

I'm still taking 1350mg of Quilonium SR (slow release lithium). I am having some adverse reactions to this drug, but not as bad as zyprexa.

 

I am keen to taper it, but very scared at the same time too. Any hospitalisation would result in me back on zyprexa or something worse.

 

I am currently trying to learn how to taper lithium, especially since the pills are slow release ones.

 

All the best,

Rico

[Rico]

Hi all,

 

It's been a while since my last update. I have been doing really well. I am now on half of the lithium that I was discharged on back in June, and have not experienced any withdrawal symptoms really, as I have been tapering slowly.

 

I am holding on the current dose for a while before making further changes.

 

I am currently interviewing for roles and have had some success so far. I have never felt so stable emotionally and I am sleeping really well. I really look forward to sleeping now.

 

I don't wake up full of energy and excitement like long time ago, but I am no longer dreading the day as before and spending lots of time obsessing about symptoms.

 

I feel very "neutral" and calm. I am 100% convinced now that I was misdiagnosed and all these years I have been adversely affected by drugs, especially Zyprexa, which was often thrown at me by my old shrink and often in combination with two other "mood stabilisers".

 

It has been a most difficult journey as you can see from my previous posts, however, I am so glad that I stood up for myself and endured the hell of withdrawals to get this far. 

 

Thank you to everyone on this site who has helped me in the last 12 months. I was a nightmare to deal with, as I wasn't following instructions properly and I became very needy. At times, receiving a reply from one of you wonderful peoples was all l looked forward to in a day. 

 

I am also slowly losing weight, but I am quite unfit and smoke way too many cigarettes in a day. I plan to change this too, but my focus now is getting myself back on my feet financially and doing something meaningful with my life.

 

I do sometimes recall how I was treated by my old, ruthless psychiatrist, and it can be a challenge to deal with the hurt I feel inside from all the things he said and done to me during the 20 years that I was under his spell. 

 

I also recently had some blood tests done, and everything is going back to normal. I was worried for a while that I would end up with Type 2 Diabetes, but that seems to be ok now too. 

 

On a psychological level, i would say I am still a bit fragile - I think I always have been though. I find that my tolerance to stress is quite low, especially emotional-type stress. I guess these sort of issues have taken a back seat for a long time, and I am slowly learning ways to manage conflict better and to not overload myself unnecessarily and catastrophise like I used to.

 

Each day is a gift for me and a step away from what could have been had I continued to take loads of drugs and be miserable.

 

I wish everyone the best in their recovery,

 

Thank you

Rico

[Madeleine]

So nice to read your update! So glad things are going increasingly well. Thanks for posting. 

[Shep]

Rico, that is a beautiful update.

 

It sounds like you are making improvements not only in how you are more carefully withdrawing, but you are making great strides in un-patienting yourself, as well.

 

I have also reached the place where I look forward to sleeping and it's a great feeling, isn't it? 

 

Best of luck on your job prospects. It's possible the worst is behind you, as sometimes the un-patienting process brings on so much psychological stress, it compounds withdrawal. So it's good to read you are finding peace now. I would encourage you to do some journaling, if you aren't already. 

 

Journaling / Journalling / Writing Therapy / Therapeutic Writing

 

I also spent decades polydrugged for a misdiagnosed manic depressive (bipolar 1) diagnosis and found that writing it out really help me come to a feeling of peace and resolution. 

 

Whatever your coping skills are at this point, it sounds like they are working. If and when you feel up to it, I hope you share some of what is helping. 

 

Please continue with your slow and careful taper. I hope you continue to do well. 

 

 

[Rico]

Thanks Madeleine and Shep

 

I am doing a lot of journalling at the moment, and sort of writing out an entire life story - before and after psychiatry.

 

I don't have any specific coping skills, but I think my change in attitude towards recovery definitely helped.

 

In the midst of suffering horrendously during zyprexa withdrawal, I started to just accept life on life's terms. Each day, I humbled myself more and more and expected less our of life. I wasn't giving up, but I took all the pressure off myself. I used to have high expectations of myself. In fact, this is how I had a breakdown in the first place. I placed succeeding at university ahead of anything else, and I completely broke down who I couldn't do it. 

 

Now, I am content with very little. I truly value the small things in life rather than always focusing on what I don't have, even if that includes good health also. A small bike ride with a friend is now much more enjoyable than before, when I used to take for granted that I could ride for a long time and have lots of fun. I guess we all come to appreciate life much more after going through so much pain and suffering.

 

I have also been "flushing out" my resentments - all those bits and pieces of anger over things that have happened or people that have hurt me. I learned this from a 12 step program, which I highly encourage anyone in withdrawal to join, as they have some fantastic tools. 

 

From another 12 Step Program called Grow, I have learned not to abuse my emotional system. Now that I am more aware of myself, I walk away from situations that would be too stressful and deliberately not engage in an argument if I can. I also avoid toxic people, be they friends or family members. I don't want people in my life putting me down or using me anymore. Because I used to be so emotionally needy with a low self esteem, i allowed people to walk all over me. Being diagnosed as mentally ill and everyone around me knowing this, made me feel worthless, so I tended to hang around people that were not good for me. 

 

One last attribute that has helped me is having patience. I have always been an impatient person. This experience really forced me to be patient. Time is a great healer, and sometimes that's all that's needed. It will take as long as it takes to recover. I used to sit around grumbling and complaining that I am not well. Now, if I have a bad day, I just hope that the next day is better and be ok with not being 100%.

 

The biggest coping mechanism though, and especially during those really rough months last year, has been this forum. No one here gave up on me, and despite my poor judgement in my decisions, I always received detailed posts filled with encouragement and practical things to do.

 

It IS possible to recover. If I can do it, I am sure anyone can. Although that does sound cliche, you only need to look at my 18 page document outlining nearly every drug in psychiatry that I have been on as well as over 25 admissions to believe this. 

 

As for 10% tapering method, I am fully supportive of this and wish I had done things that way. However, I must say, that for me, I came to a point where I had stopped and started zyprexa so many times, that tapering beyond the lowest dose didn't really work. I became so critically ill on it - irrespective of dose, that I just had to stop it and endure the withdrawals. Had I, on the other hand, tapered it for the first time, it would have been much easier. I think somewhere on this site "limbic kindling" is explained. Alto also pointed out at some point that maybe I had been on/off the drugs so many times that my CNS was destabilised regardless. I think she was right.

 

Lastly, maintaining hope for me was really important. And I think it's important for anyone. I kept the dream of being drug free alive by reading success stories. I deliberately chose to read these stories rather than be discouraged by the ones where people constantly complained about psychiatry.

 

We are dealt a heavy blow in this type of suffering and because of society's ignorance and the stigma of "mental illness", we often have to suffer alone. Thanks to a wonderful site like this however, I did not feel alone. 

 

I still have a long way to go, but I do believe that the worst is over. I will take my time with the remaining lithium dose. It is not causing any adverse side effects at all and it would be unwise to rock the boat after so much progress.

 

Rico

[Madeleine]

By the way Rico: you are an excellent writer! -- :-) 

[Shep]

Thank you for that beautiful post, Rico. As Madeleine posted, you are an excellent writer!

 

These are the kinds of posts that can help so many people who come to this forum. Please write more as you are able. What you've already accomplished is so inspiring.

 

Wishing you even more healing and peace as you continue on your journey off these drugs. 

[Rico]

Thanks Madeleine and Shep once again, that's a really nice compliment.

 

I have a job interview tomorrow and another one next week. I'm quite nervous and dread answering the "so what have you been doing since March last year?" question.

 

I have just been saying that I took a career break for personal reasons - more like a career break from psychiatry!

 

It would be nice to be able to proudly tell the truth and receive the same admiration as survivors of cancer or someone recovering from a terrible brain injury.

 

I once confided in a boss whom I broke down in front of crying in a meeting that I was bipolar. After I came back from hospital, I was given a new role with much less responsibility and was treated quite differently by her. I resigned within two weeks and found a better paying job.

 

The same thing happened with my job last year. I confided in my boss about my bipolar disorder (eww) - who by the way, had a 12 year old son who had been on antidepressants since he was 8 - and again, after yet another hospital admission, he started to treat me like crap. In the last meeting that we had, he actually said to me "I don't think you are well at the moment" and his diagnosis was based on the fact that I had gotten angry in a meeting. I literally threw my pass on the table and told him to go "f**k himself" and stormed out the building. It was the most liberating experience and I had never walked out of a job like that before. I thought he would have known better, given that his own son was trying to kill himself at school and fearfully slept with a plastic sword at night. Everyone becomes a psychiatrist once you tell them you have a diagnosis of bipolar!

 

In my first ever interview at university for a scholarship (20 years ago!), they asked me "why should we give you a scholarship?". My cocky reply was "because I never give up".

 

Well, I am pleased to say, that 20 years later my statement still holds true. I am very proud of myself for making it this after. It wasn't long ago that I actually pondered what my life would be like on disability pension or even living in a group home - which was actually suggested by my family at one stage.

 

So although I would really like to get a job and buy more things, I am actually content to just be me. I don't want to ever be defined by the job I have or anything I have really. I just want to be me, and I am starting to like who I am, which is something that I probably didn't even do before taking meds. Now I understand that you cannot possibly begin to truly love others if you don't love yourself first.

 

This is pretty new territory for me, so I will leave it there for tonight but once again, thank you for your continual encouragement and support.

 

Rico

[Shep]

 

 

On 7/6/2017 at 10:16 AM, Rico said:

In my first ever interview at university for a scholarship (20 years ago!), they asked me "why should we give you a scholarship?". My cocky reply was "because I never give up".

 

Well, I am pleased to say, that 20 years later my statement still holds true. I am very proud of myself for making it this after. It wasn't long ago that I actually pondered what my life would be like on disability pension or even living in a group home - which was actually suggested by my family at one stage.

 

So although I would really like to get a job and buy more things, I am actually content to just be me. I don't want to ever be defined by the job I have or anything I have really. I just want to be me, and I am starting to like who I am, which is something that I probably didn't even do before taking meds. Now I understand that you cannot possibly begin to truly love others if you don't love yourself first.

 

 

Hi, Rico.

 

This is a wonderful post. 

 

Best of luck on your upcoming interviews. It used to be that people would go work for the same employer for 20 or 30 years. But times have changed and many people switched jobs multiple times throughout their lives. So it's not unusual to have a more scattered job history now. The good news is many (if not most) of us find that we're stronger from this experience and like you wrote, your future is going to be much better off the drugs than on. 

 

My only concern is your recent 50% decrease from Lithium. Sometimes we can get hit with delayed symptoms, so please keep track of your symptoms. It would be easy to conflate the stress of a new job with a wave from this massive Lithium decrease after a rapid Zyprexa taper, so please continue with your self-care and monitor for symptoms of delayed withdrawal. 

 

You've come so far already. Please don't rush into too many new things just yet. 

[Rico]

Thanks Shep. 

 

I actually didn't make a 50% drop, my signature wasn't being updated during the taper. I have been reducing by 225mg at a time, which is half of the slow release tablet. The first reduction was from 1350 to 1125mg. I trialled that for a few weeks and all went well. I then did the same for another few weeks 1125 - 900, and then again to 675mg, which is what I am now. I haven't had any major withdrawal symptoms. I found that after each reduction, I would have more energy and a bit more focus. I'm holdin in this dose now for a while, but my next planned reduction will be to 450mg. I have considered going down slower than this, but the 225mg reductions seem to be working fine, although, things may need to be done differently since I am nearing the end. I'm not too concerned now though, as I am happy to hold on this dose. It's honestly not causing me any grief.

[Shep]

Thanks very much for explaining your taper. I was concerned. 

 

I'm glad it's not causing any grief and I hope you continue on that path of healing. 

[bubble]

Hello Rico from me too. I loved your updates so much that I have actually posted one in the Best of SA. I couldn't copy and paste the quote in the quote box (although I tried many times) but I made it clear it was written by you.

 

Honestly, I'm amazed! Just continue to be cautious as Shep advised. I would hold longer on this spot especially if you get the job which I'm keeping my fingers crossed for. Wishing you all the luck! But enjoying oneself is the most a person can achieve and so very few people reach that goal. The more they have, the less they are.

 

It would be good to note in your signature when you stopped Zyprexa. By looking at it I can't tell if it was May 2016 and 2017....

 

Do you maybe have a link to more info about the 12 step program you mentioned? I would be very interested to learn more.

Edited July 8, 2017 by bubble

[Rico]

Hi everyone,

 

I am doing well and have recently started a new job and returned to my career. 

 

It's not easy, but I am doing my best and regard every day as blessing. 

 

I am still tapering the lithium, which is the only medication I take and I am now only taking 450mg at night. 

 

I hope you are all doing well and be very patient if you are not, because recovery and healing is possible! 

 

The link to the Twelve Step program is https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/GROW

 

i believe it runs in many countries and is based in the AA 12 step program.

 

Thanks 

Rico

[Shep]

Hi, Rico.

 

This is a wonderful update.  Congratulations on your new job.

 

Please place your new Lithium dose of 450 mg in your signature.  Also, please add "2017" for the changes for the current year so we don't mistaken these changes for 2016 (the last year mentioned in your signature). This is a direct link to your signature:

 

Account Settings - signature

 

Rico, please hold and stop decreasing the Lithium. I am so impressed with all you've been able to accomplish and I really hope you are going to keep doing well and transition smoothly back into the workforce. But the concept of "delayed withdrawal" should not be discounted. 

 

I was off my drugs for a good 4 or 5 months back in 2006 before I was hit with severe symptoms and ended up on a much worse drug cocktail with a higher antipsychotic dose. And that's true of a lot of people. Don't let yourself get blindsided by delayed withdrawal. I know it feels good to be off so many of the toxins and getting back into the real world, but I think you're going too fast. 

 

In only two to three month's time, you came off Zyprexa and Epilim completely, as well as being down to 450 mg of Lithium from a dose as high as 1350 mg. And this was after 20 years of being on psych drugs. 

 

As you know from your own experience that you've chronicled here on your thread, all it takes is a week or two of poor sleep before severe symptoms can emerge.  I would encourage you to re-read your thread.

 

 You've come a long way, but patience and a long hold is your best bet right now. Why rush the taper when you're doing so well and able to enjoy your life? When you do re-start your taper, I would encourage a micro-taper in order to stay as functional as possible. 

[Altostrata]

Rico, please don't rush going off the drug. You've come such a long way. Remember: The rule of 3KIS: Keep it simple. Keep it slow. Keep it stable.

[Rico]

Thanks Shep and Alto. I will be holding for a while and the next reduction will be much smaller.

 

In saying that, lithium seems a lot easier to withdraw from than the other ones, however I am mindful of delayed withdrawal symptoms as Shep has mentioned.

[Shep]

This is good to read, Rico. Wishing you much healing on your hold. 

[JanCarol]

Hey Rico - that's a 50% drop in lithium in one month!

 

I made a lot of mistakes on my lithium taper - but that meant that sometimes I tapered by 20% instead of 10%.  And if I could do it over again, I would probably stick with the 10%.  Additionally - I held EVERY time I had stress or my symptoms got weird.  I'm a big fan of the long hold.

 

Once you are in the low dose range (like where you are now) the benefits of lithium could outweigh the risks.  It could dampen some of your symptoms from other tapers and withdrawals.

 

if your kidneys and liver test fine, you can hold at 450 for a long, long time.  Maybe 6 months to a year, before dropping again.

 

There's a huge risk of great drops from lithium, and I'd hate to see you land in hospital where the whole drug-squirrel-wheel starts up again.

 

Shep & Alto's advice to hold is super wise.  

 

I hope you can do this.  I want to see you succeed!

 

I hope you see the sun today!  I did, and it was a splendid winter's day!

[powerback]

hi rico ,your truly an inspiration ,I'm in awe ,stories like yours keep me on my path of recovery .so I thank you for your honesty and cander .wishing you a wonderful fulfilled life ahead .

PB

[JanCarol]

Hey Rico, 

 

I want to address this:

On 05/02/2017 at 3:31 PM, Rico said:

too scared of ending up in the public hospital

 

I'm in Australia too, and know a few things about private vs. public here. 

 

You seem to have a fantasy that a private setting will somehow be better.

 

But the private sector here is more profit oriented than the public system - and while it may have nicer furniture and better art - the doctors are invested in keeping you "in the system."  I have had friends who have been trapped in private hospitals attached to clinics, and they want you in-patient at every turn.  I have seen horrendous drug changes in the private system, fast switches, cold turkeys - all depending on how much you complain to the doc-in-charge.

 

Additionally, I had a friend who was going to private, but had an emergency and there were no beds available at her private hospital - so she ended up at the Royal Brisbane.  Public.  

 

Upon arrival to emergency, they diagnosed her with akathisia and said that she was overdrugged.  They advised removal of a drug.  Not additional drugging.  They did - poorly - advise a CT of that neuroleptic, but I was stunned to hear that they recognised akathisia and correlated it with a neuroleptic.

 

So let go of your fantasy that private is better than public.

 

I will add (and I'm sure that several here will agree) that no hospital is the best option of all.  I will never again complain to a doctor of my emotional or mental symptoms.  It's none of their business.

 

On 05/02/2017 at 3:31 PM, Rico said:

I am not sure which drug is causing the insomnia - zyprexa? Epilim reduction or the benzos?

 

You still don't seem to grasp the Delayed Onset of Withdrawal Symptoms 

 

Something you did 3-6 months ago will manifest now.  You have had a number of changes.  As you are a psych drug experiment of n=1, this is why it is vital that you only change one thing at a time.  You will never know whether this is Zyprexa withdrawal, Epilim withdrawal or post benzo withdrawal.  Likely it is an evil synergy of all 3

.

On 05/02/2017 at 3:31 PM, Rico said:

I am finding that the vitamins I am taking are helping. I am not 100% sure but it's my gut feeling

 

Most likely it is the Niacin and Zinc (you mentioned Pyrrholes earlier?).  You are paying too much for compounded vitamins that you can buy cheaply over-the-counter.  There is no benefit to custom compounds.  Other B vitamins are more controversial - B6/P5P is often given for "pyroluria" but is also a candidate for causing toxicity.

You may wish to see this thread:  The Pyroluria Fallacy   I, too, was diagnosed with "pyroluria," and the supplements helped me, but I got better, and have been able to decrease those supplements.  I see it as not a "genetic condition" as some practitioners do, but a nutritional deficiency which can be helped with supplementation.  I do not see it as a permanent thing, and some of the popularity of this condition in "mental health" may fade with time.

 

When you run out of these expensive compounded vitamins, I would encourage you to get some basic niacin and zinc, save a fortune, and see if these "cover" what the expensive compounded vitamins did.

 

On 10/02/2017 at 9:11 AM, Rico said:

antidepressant, Lygactal

 

Largactil is not an antidepressant, it is another neuroleptic drug, a very old one, the precursor to Zyprexa.  If your doctor is calling this drug an antidepressant, then your doctor is misrepresenting drugs to you.

 

On 10/02/2017 at 9:11 AM, Rico said:

when I explained to him that I am probably suffering from zyprexa withdrawal since December last year, he said that it should only be a two week thing.

 

This confirms my instinct that this is not a good doctor.

 

On 10/02/2017 at 9:11 AM, Rico said:

I didn't get any sleep at all on Monday night and the anxiety and stress just kept getting higher and higher.

 

If this is akathisia, have you tried pacing?  Dancing crazy to loud music?  Thrash-dancing?  If the impulse is to be restless, then I encourage you to be restless.  Thrash, flail, roll around on the floor, shake, tremble, cry - let it all out.  Keep doing this until you are exhausted.

 

I had one friend deal with extreme akathisia by running long distances - I don't encourage that (it is too extreme, and takes a toll on your endocrine system).  But take time to really FEEL what you are feeling, experience it fully.

 

The best way through any distress is not to squelch it - but to go through it.  Then, once you have survived it, you understand that you can survive it again.  And again.

 

On 10/02/2017 at 9:11 AM, Rico said:

Ativan

 

I'm seriously concerned that you are always given a benzo to deal with your distress.  This is creating more problems than it is solving.  A year ago, NZ encouraged you to bag up all your benzos and dispose of them.  I think that was brilliant advice. 

 

Every time you go to a benzo, you are setting yourself up for another 3 months of distress.  (see Delayed Reactions, above).  Think about that.  You take a benzo today - you get another 3 months of trouble.  Are you sure that's helpful?

 

Also - your signature is devoid of all reference to benzos.  If you want our help, we need to know when you have taken benzos - how often (on and off) what kind, what doses, how long?  These are seriously affecting your ability to heal.

 

On 10/02/2017 at 9:11 AM, Rico said:

what does one do when the anxiety and stress levels get so high again?

 

Non Drug Techniques for Coping with Emotional Symptoms

 

That's all.  

 

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/music/FirstAidPanicF.mp3

 

Dr. Claire Weekes - Recovering from a Sensitized Nervous System

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/5213-fear-terror-panic-and-anxiety/?p=11776

 

Rebuilding self-confidence, accepting anxiety

 

Dr. Rob Purssey's ACT Tips - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy  (NOTE:  Dr. Rob Purssey is available via SKYPE for counselling; he is here in Brisbane, but he is available nationwide, and maybe even worldwide)

 

and

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/3533-acceptance

 

On 12/02/2017 at 8:40 PM, Rico said:

My only concern is that trying to 'rough' this out may cause more damage to my brain. My tolerance for stress is absolutely zero right now.

 

This may be a myth, that "attacks" cause damage.  The drugs cause damage.  The damage caused by panic / anxiety is only what you do with it.  If your reaction to anxiety is to do something rash, then it causes damage.  But the "proofs" that "episodes" cause damage is spurious.

 

Really, again and again, I'm led to remind you of how important it is to stop looking at drugs, and start looking at how you choose to survive.  Non Drug tools in your toolkit.

 

On 11/02/2017 at 4:05 AM, Rico said:

I lay on the couch and the feeling passed.

 

Yes.  Like that.

On 12/02/2017 at 8:40 PM, Rico said:

Today, for example, I learnt how to breathe and calm myself down.

 

Yes.

 

I'm hoping that by now, this is "out of date," that you no longer need this advice (I'm a page behind).  But I will post this, in the event that you do.

[JanCarol]

Hey Rico - 

 

I wrote:

22 hours ago, JanCarol said:

But the private sector here is more profit oriented than the public system - and while it may have nicer furniture and better art - the doctors are invested in keeping you "in the system."  I have had friends who have been trapped in private hospitals attached to clinics, and they want you in-patient at every turn.  I have seen horrendous drug changes in the private system, fast switches, cold turkeys - all depending on how much you complain to the doc-in-charge.

 

 

It sounds like your experience with private hospitals and doctors has been better than my friends.  I'm glad you proved me wrong on this one!

 

22 hours ago, JanCarol said:

You still don't seem to grasp the Delayed Onset of Withdrawal Symptoms 

 

I'm still worried about you - there is danger in dropping lithium too fast, and lithium (unlike many other drugs) doesn't respond well to reinstatement.  It's like once it's gone, it's gone.

 

You seem to think that if you don't experience immediate symptoms, that the taper is doing fine.  But 3, 6, even 9 months down the line, you might have a crisis - you might get a cold, or have job or relationship stressors, and the lithium cliff has been rappelled down much too quickly and you have nothing to stop the fall.

 

If you had been tapering at 10%, it would have taken you 10 months to get down to 450 mg.  Please consider holding until March 2018.  That would be 10 months from your first taper - to make sure that you are free and clear of all of these fast tapers (not just the lithium).  I think my drop off point was somewhere in the 30 mg range.

 

Please note whether your Quilonum is XR or Immediate release.  If you are breaking tablets, you might wish to take them 2x a day, as the half-life of lithium is short.  

 

Also, my standard warning about lithium:  it only takes one incidence of dehydration to damage your kidneys.  It is vital, while on this drug, to drink plenty of water, and take electrolytes to support your kidneys.  Avoid all other substances metabolised in the kidneys such as nurofen and aspirin.  Please stay hydrated. It will improve your health and your chances for a successful escape from this drug.

 

Socially - it's the one that people are the most shocked about.  "I quit my lithium," is a great way to make the whole room go silent, as it's considered (like your doctor said) an essential element for the "bipolar patient."  

 

Sometimes I like to do that for shock value, or even say, "I came off all of my drugs."  But only among people I trust not to pick up the phone!

 

More often I talk about it (mostly to medical personnel) as a "drug reaction to serotonin drugs" that got "misdiagnosed as bipolar."  That is a language they seem to understand.

 

It's good that you understand about "getting caught."  The fear of sectioning (or "community treatment" - how Doublespeak is that?) is a good way to motivate yourself to stay calm in public, and to keep yourself out of hospitals!

 

Overall it sounds like you have come a long way!  I have investigated GROW, but my nearest chapter is across town.  I wanted to see how "drug free" they are, or if they push people in the direction of drugs, or if they are truly an alternative to drugs.  If the latter, I'd like to support them more!

 

I hope you see the sun today - how is the job process going?

 

 

 

[bubble]

This is such a great analysis JC and really hope Rico will take it on board.

 

About GROW: I was very, very excited when I heard about it and wanted to see what could be done to set it up in my country.

 

But when I read their principles on the wiki I lost all of my enthusiasm. Its strict, commanding and punitive language made me very uncomfortable. We in withdrawal are such scared and vulberable little animals ( where is that image of your and forcing all that power of will and it's all our fault for getting disconnected from God or whatever is really very counterproductive in my opinion.

 

I apologise for a lengthy quote. I will maybe start a thread so that people who have experience with it can share..

 

"We admitted were inadequate and maladjusted to life" - how can this help to people experience strong neuroemotions of feeling inadequate, maladjusted and guilty in every way

 

It would be wonderful to have support programs for us suffering/recovering from WD. But it would have to be something a lot more compassionate and affirming.

 

GROW's literature includes the Twelve Stages of Decline, which indicate that emotional illness begins with self-centeredness, and the Twelve Steps of Personal Growth, a blend of AA's Twelve Steps and will-training methods from Recovery International. GROW members view recovery as an ongoing life process rather than an outcome and are expected to continue following the Steps after completing them in order to maintain their mental health.^[1][5][6]

The Twelve Stages of Decline We gave too much importance to ourselves and our feelings. We grew inattentive to God's presence and providence and God's natural order in our lives. We let competitive motives, in our dealings with others, prevail over our common personal welfare. We expressed our suppressed certain feelings against the better judgment of conscience or sound advice. We began thinking in isolation from others, following feelings and imagination instead of reason. We neglected the care and control of our bodies. We avoided recognizing our personal decline and shrank from the task of changing. We systematically disguised in our imaginations the real nature of our unhealthy conduct. We became a prey to obsessions, delusions and hallucinations. We practised irrational habits, under elated feelings of irresponsibility or despairing feelings of inability or compulsion. We rejected advice and r GROW's literature includes the Twelve Stages of Decline, which indicate that emotional illness begins with self-centeredness, and the Twelve Steps of Personal Growth, a blend of AA's Twelve Steps and will-training methods from Recovery International. GROW members view recovery as an ongoing life process rather than an outcome and are expected to continue following the Steps after completing them in order to maintain their mental health.[1][5][6] The Twelve Stages of Decline We gave too much importance to ourselves and our feelings. We grew inattentive to God's presence and providence and God's natural order in our lives. We let competitive motives, in our dealings with others, prevail over our common personal welfare. We expressed our suppressed certain feelings against the better judgment of conscience or sound advice. We began thinking in isolation from others, following feelings and imagination instead of reason. We neglected the care and control of our bodies. We avoided recognizing our personal decline and shrank from the task of changing. We systematically disguised in our imaginations the real nature of our unhealthy conduct. We became a prey to obsessions, delusions and hallucinations. We practised irrational habits, under elated feelings of irresponsibility or despairing feelings of inability or compulsion. We rejected advice and refused to co-operate with help. We lost all insight into our condition. The Twelve Steps of Recovery and Personal Growth We admitted we were inadequate or maladjusted to life. We firmly resolved to get well and co-operated with the help that we needed. We surrendered to the healing power of a wise and loving God. We made a personal inventory and accepted ourselves. We made a moral inventory and cleaned out our hearts. We endured until cured. We took care and control of our bodies. We learned to think by reason rather than by feelings and imagination. We trained our wills to govern our feelings. We took our responsible and caring place in society. We grew daily closer to maturity. We carried GROW's hopeful, healing, and transforming message to others in need. GROW suggests atheists and agnostics use "We became inattentive to objective natural order in our lives" and "We trusted in a health-giving power in our lives as a whole" for the Second Stage of Decline and Third Step of Personal Growth, respectively.[6] efused to co-operate with help. We lost all insight into our condition.

The Twelve Steps of Recovery and Personal Growth We admitted we were inadequate or maladjusted to life. We firmly resolved to get well and co-operated with the help that we needed. We surrendered to the healing power of a wise and loving God. We made a personal inventory and accepted ourselves. We made a moral inventory and cleaned out our hearts. We endured until cured. We took care and control of our bodies. We learned to think by reason rather than by feelings and imagination. We trained our wills to govern our feelings. We took our responsible and caring place in society. We grew daily closer to maturity. We carried GROW's hopeful, healing, and transforming message to others in need.

GROW suggests atheists and agnostics use "We became inattentive to objective natural order in our lives" and "We trusted in a health-giving power in our lives as a whole" for the Second Stage of Decline and Third Step of Personal Growth, respectively.^[6]

[Rico]

Hi all,

 

Thank you you for your informative posts.

 

I haven't been around since I ended up having a psychotic episode in early September.

 

I haven't worked out the exact dates yet, but this is what has been happening until now.

 

i started a new job on the 17th of July as a project manager. It was extremely stressful and at the time, I was down to 225mg of lithium (slow release version called Quilonium in Australia, I believe it's called Eskath elsewhere). 

 

Uo ubtil til that point, I had been reducing by 225mg per month with minimal withdrawal symptoms. I was actually starting to feel better and even sleep much more naturally than before. 

 

My job was stressful from the word go. Since I hadn't worked for over a year, I really dedicated myself and very much over worked myself and didn't look after my health at all. I was doing a great job at work, but the stress was so bad that I once left the office late poring cold water over my head to cool down. I was extremely stressed that night. 

 

The stress only got worse, and I started to feel unstable mentally. I also started having issues with my girlfriend, which added to the stress significantly.

 

In early September, for whatever stupid, irrational reason, I started to get scared about tapering off the lithium and that I would end up forcibly injected etc. I made a decision one night while driving around quite emotional about everything, that I should be a good patient and take all the lithium as prescribed and surrender myself to God and be a good patient.

 

That night, around 1st of September, I took 3 lithium tablets instead of 0.5 equating to a dose of 1350mg. Within 4 days, I became delusional and psychotic. I remember trying to go to work and walking around the city thinking that people were after me. The whole episode was a daze, but I was eventually taken to ER by police and I woke up in a public hospital. 

 

I don't remember much of what happened there either, other than they treated me quite well. Thanks to a Sydney psychiatrist who I had been in contact with (not my treatin dr), I was not given Zyprexa. 

She instructed them to give me Laigactal at small doses every 2 hours because I have a rare ultra rapid metabolism. They ended up giving me high doses (100mg at night) alongside two other Benzos.

 

After 8 or 9 days on this regime, I did get better and was transferred to my local psych ward as I was out of the area. I was petrified about this, because the local psych ward in my area is probably the worst in Australia.

 

Luckily, they treated me well there too and I was discharged within 3 days. They CT'd the antipsychotic and Benzos and discharged me on 4 tablets of lithium slow release. That's a dose of 1800mg.

 

i had lots of issues post discharge at a physical level. My feet were swollen and I was quite fatigued and fragile. My GP was worried about my lithium intake and so was the psychiatrist that has been helping me on the side. I was feeling so sick that it felt like lithium was seeping out of my eyeballs.

 

The dose was rapidly reduced down down to one tablet (450mg) over a matter of weeks. I am not on just one tablet (450mg) and the psychiatrist is urging me to taper by 10mg per week using a compound chemist. She is worried that I have kidney damage and I also am suspected to have type 2 diabetes. Tests this week will confirm this more accurately.

 

i am hesitant to reduce anymore as I am scared of becoming unwell. I want to hold for as long as possible but it looks like I may have some potentially serious health issues from the lithium. I haven't been sleeping well and am constantly fatigued and I am urinating more often than before. 

 

I also felt like I was going to pass out whilst at the cinemas after consuming lots of sugary foods and pop corn. My friend took me home and I ended up passing it in a very fatigued and agitated state.

 

Today, I am getting blood tests done and will be seeing my GP. I have not been diligent in getting these tests done and somewhat avoiding them because I am scared of the results. I have no choice now but to attend to my physical health as I am not feeling well at all.

 

Mentally, I am ok. I don't have racing thoughts or major mood swings or anything of the sort. I am just tired all the time and my sleep is irregular. I have no energy at all and I suspect there is a physical issue here that could easily be mistaken for depression.

 

i don't know what to do about the lithium. Doctors seem to have no problems reducing it quickly, and I myself am against this now. I also feel like the lithium has pooped out on me as well. Like JanCarol mentioned, reinstatement of lithium is not effective. 

 

I am quite scared at the at the moment at the thought of having a serious physical impairment due to these drugs. It feels like I haven't even lived yet and would be so upset if I have to spend the rest of my life with more suffering because of damage from these drugs.

 

I'm a bit lost now and would appreciate any advice from you.

 

Thanks

Rico

[RainbowDbc]

Rico its Diana...Ive been very worried about you. I cant find you. I has a psumychotoc episode for avery long monrh as well and am on 3 drugs now. Please weite me thru whasapp you have my numbee

[Rico]

Hi all,

 

I am not doing well at the moment.

 

I've had three hospitalisations since my last post. I managed to start working in July for about 9 weeks. Prior to that,I had been tapering lithium by 225mg every four weeks. I know, that was fast, but I thought I was doing ok...

 

After 9 weeks of work - which was very stressful, I ended up with the worst episode I have ever had. I recovered in hospital, and was sent away just on lithium - 1800mg.

 

My doctor reduced it down further and due to a relationship breakup, I ended up being caught speeding in my car and was taken away by ambulance to a hospital.

 

They reinstated the lithium to 900mg, and I got discharged within a week. I was feeling quite positive and start making plans to return to work and get a job etc.

 

A couple of weeks later though, I become really ill at night and my doctor told me to stop the lithium immediately. At the time, I was only taking 900mg.

 

Things actually started to improve, and I even had a good job interview and felt so much better. Unfortunately though, one night afternoon I left the house in the evening to see a friend about an hour way and was caught again. I became emotional on the side of the road and the police got involved, and then called an ambulance.

 

I spent three weeks at a hospital where they deliberated on whether or not to give me a community treatment order (CTO) which would involve an injection of Ability on a monthly basis. Me and my family objected, so they agreed to discharge me just on lithium - 1750mg. 

 

After being discharged, I did feel much better. However, things went downhill again. I had a fight with my girlfriend and was also starting to feel sick from the lithium. My doctor suggesting taking half the dose. I did just that, and all hell broke loose. I became severely depressed and anxious, and was feeling extremely stressed out. A couple of nights' ago, I had to take valium to get some sleep, because I literally could not close my eyes at all and my mind was racing uncontrollably. The stress I experienced was out of this world - especially the anxiety that if i sought help, I would end up drugged in hospital.

 

I reinstated the lithium as it was given in hospital, and things have settled down. My parents pretty much forced me to take the lithium again, and I also thought that I had no choice, because the alternative would have been another hospitalisation - which would have not been good for me at all.

 

I am writing this to you after my first night of taking the lithium again (I took 750mg in the morning and 1000mg in the afternoon) and I feel so much shame for being so ill. My eyes are sore, I am not sleeping the best and feel quite dysfunctional.

 

I also am a bit confused about my diagnosis. My latest psychiatrist, who is also a psychotherapist, believes I have Borderline Personality Disorder and not Bipolar Disorder, as originally diagnosed. She believes that I can eventually come off medication, but I don't think she understands the withdrawal process - and I obviously don't either. 

 

I am sort of lost now. I am dysfunctional again and feeling quite helpless. I am scared of what the future holds for me. My eyes are sore and my brain feels quite different. When I close my eyes, I just feel nothing. I am not even sure what my thoughts are.

 

Will it be possible to come off drugs and heal? If I am bipolar, will I need medication for life. Is there any hope for me? I am beating myself up so much for not doing things properly or looking after myself. I was so happy when I started working and doing so well, but it all ended up in hospital. This has been a very hard year. I feel like i have wasted so much it. My parents blame me for all the times I have played around with medications, and fail to understand how it makes me feel.

 

Would love to hear what you think.

 

Thanks,
Rico

 

 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

hi Rico

this may sound harsh but please believe me,  I am not trying to be critical,  I say this as someone who has been where you are, thinking that there was a solution for my problems outside of myself. 

All that you need to get a handle on your life is inside you. Please believe that, it's 100% true and it will free you up in so many ways. 

You can definitely get off meds and change your life around, but you need to take more responsibility for your behavior and you need to find ways to deal with your feelings.

The meds didn't make you speed, nor did any supposed mental illness- you reacted to your emotions in a destructive and dangerous way.
There is NO med that is going to change that, that is something YOU need to learn to do.

 

if you want to stay out of the hospital and get off the meds, you need to first work on controlling your actions when you are feeling distressing emotions. You need to work on finding more constructive ways to deal with those emotions.

You can most definitely do that, and that is totally within your control.

 

there's a whole bunch of self care stuff on this site, check that out and get to work on addressing the behaviors that get you into trouble and you'll be well on your way to your goals.

 

I know you can do this. It won't be easy, but it's definitely something you can do and it sounds like you're motivated to do the work now that you've seen the alternatives.

 

[Rico]

Moderator note:  Threads merged, only one thread per customer please!

 

Hi all,

 

I have previously posted my journey with tapering zypexra and other drugs (Rico: Zyprexa Tapering). The purpose of this new thread is to document my journey with lithium, which has not been easy at all this year, and led to many hospitalisations. 

 

Earlier this year, I managed to get off Zyprexa and Epilim. It was extremely tough. The doctors then agreed to leave me on Lithium.

 

Due to side effects and the desire to function better, i tapered the lithium. Upon discharge from hospital back in May this year, I started tapering the lithium. I am sure I tapered too fast, but I was able to return to my career as a business analyst and project manager.

 

My job was very stressful and after a further reduction in lithium, I had a very bad manic/psychotic episode. It was probably the worst episode ever. Nevertheless, I made a pretty quick recovery (I don't even remember my time in hospital) and was discharged on just lithium - it was a very high dose.

 

I tapered it again and afterwards had a relationship breakdown and was caught speeding. I was highly emotional when the police pulled me up and an ambulance turned up. I was taken to hospital and discharged shortly after with only 900mg of lithium - the slow release form.

 

For two weeks I was ok, until one night I started feeling extremely nauseous. I contact my doctor who advised me to stop it straightaway. 

 

After stopping the lithium, I felt much better and even had a few job interviews. Things continued to go well, until one night I was trying to make my home from a venue and an altercation with a cab driver occurred. I became emotional afterwards and was trying to hitch-hike to get home. I didn't have my phone, since earlier in the week I had thrown it away in frustration. It is really embarrassing to write this, but I am sure I was on the decline earlier in the week. 

 

Someone must have called the police and a few police cars turned up, including an ambulance. I was taken to an ED department, drugged and then taken to the mental health unit. I spent three weeks there. They wanted me to take Ability and had plans to forcibly inject me wth it upon discharge. My parents, girlfriend and I objected to this and the doctors eventually agreed to discharge me on just lithium - 1750.

 

I recovered well in hospital and was feeling quite well. I didn't seem to have any problems with the lithium either. However, upon discharge I did start having problems.

 

After I was discharged, everything seemed to go downhill. I had a fight with my girlfriend and I was also starting to feel sick from the lithium. I also started smoking a lot and all the structure that I had had in hospital, went out the window. I spoke to my doctor about my issues with the lithium and she said to take half the dose. So, I ditched the morning dose and only took the evening dose - 750mg. Within a couple of days, I got really worse. I became severely depressed and anxious and experienced some very scary physical symptoms such as pain in my head and neck and all sorts of neurological issues. 

 

It was a hell of a time, and the anxiety of ending back in hospital and being injected as well as the blaming by parents made things very difficult. A couple of nights ago, at the peak of this hell, I could not sleep at all and the anxiety was through the roof. I would close my eyes and my mind would be racing and I felt completely out of control. I didn't know what to do. I called Lifeline about 4 times and eventually decided to take some valium to help me sleep. I took 10mg of valium and managed to get a few hours of "sleep". 

 

The next day, I decided to reinstate the lithium as it was given in hospital. I have since been taking 1500mg per day (750mg in the morning and 750mg in the night). I slept last night in a very sick state, but managed to sleep for quite a while. 

 

Today, I have been having all sorts of symptoms - from panic attacks to depression to despair. I really feel quite dysfunctional. My eyes are extremely sore and I fear that I have damaged my brain big time. I am non-stop beating myself up about all this. My parents are blaming me and everyone seems to be fed up with me. My girlfriend is quite supportive and my current psychiatrist believes that it is possible to get off medication one day. She is both a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist. She also believes that I have Borderline Personality Disorder rather than Bipolar 1.

 

It is hard to believe that I can ever recover. I feel like I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I don't do a good job of looking after myself and when I am well - as I was when I left hospital, I forget that I need to look after myself and go off and get myself into stressful situations etc. My ability to manage my emotions and take care of myself have gotten me unwell again, combined with rapid reductions in medications.

 

I am going to hold on the current lithium level until i stabilise for quite a while. I am fearful of the damages that it is doing to my body.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

 

Edited January 3, 2018 by JanCarol
Moderator note

[RealMe]

Hi Rico 

You have been through such terrible struggles. I am glad you seem to be stabilizing. I don't know anything about lithium so I hope the moderators will be able to guide you. But I do know the fear you speak of, and I am sure you will find help and hope here. So glad your girlfriend is understanding and supportive. My husband has been supportive also, and it's such a blessing. Good luck and good healing.

[Kristine]

Hi Rico, greetings from another Aussie ☺️ I shed a tear when I read your intro. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I can relate to your experiences as can so many others on this sight.  I was on 900mg of lithium along with a cocktail of other drugs.  If you don't mind me asking....have you been having blood tests to check your lithium levels? Lovely to meet you. K

[Rico]

Thank you so much RealMe and Kristine for replying to my post. It means so much to me right now for someone to understand what I am going through. 

 

Thank you