☼ Maybe

[Rhiannon]

Ah now, chinese food, yes!!!!! it affects me in the same way,

i think its to do with the fact that its loaded with MSG,

something lots of us in wd, do not tolerate too well.

 

Hang in there, this too will pass and soon.

 

I've written a lot about this in other places. I suspect people here already know about the neurotransmitter glutamate and its importance? and the connection to MSG?

 

I avoid anything that could possibly have MSG in it, and unfortunately that includes almost any kind of processed food, even a lot of restaurant food, anything with "hydrolyzed soy protein" or "autolyzed yeast".

[Maybe]

My main problem now is definitely my digestive system. The past days have been good overall, but today I ate a trail mix for breakfast and now my stomach is grumbling and working a lot and sending weird strong feelings througout my body, some kind of dizziness, as if I am falling to the ground and increased movement sensitivity.

 

Do you think this is because of too much "work" or maybe I suddenly developed some kind of allergy? Though I ate trail mix before without any noticeable problems. Maybe I ate too much at once (half the package)?

[Maybe]

Yesterday was the 20th month mark. Though the last 2 to 3 weeks have been fine, I still do not have a single day of feeling back to normal. It feels as if nothing is happening. Most of the time the symptoms are endurable, I can have fun, work and go out sometimes. But still I am longing for the day when I am back to my old self...

 

Current symptoms:

 

- Tinnitus (may not be w/d related, had it before but not as loud)

- Movement sensitivity

- Dizziness

- Digestive system problems (many problems are related to this, even the dizziness!)

- Weird leg feelings

- Slightly burning skin now and then

- General feeling of weirdness

[Healing]

The length of time is surreal, Maybe. I'm really sorry. But you're on your way. The healing really is happening.

[Maybe]

The question is, what does that mean? Healing for the rest of my life until I die?

 

When I informed myself about the bad reaction I had, most people in the pp forum said that because I took only 4 pills, the symptoms will quickly abade and I should be happy that I did not took it for longer. Then I came across antidepressantfacts with many horrible explanations and a timeline of 18 months. Others, like Punarbhava, say that it takes around 2 years for most and I believe this is true. But so many people seem to have problems for 5 or more years, that it makes me feel quite bad when I think about that.

Yes, I have to live with it, no matter what comes and I do not really ruminate about it, but it is quite difficult at times to stay positive.

 

Nevertheless thank you all for being here and helping to keep a clear mind!

[Punarbhava]

The question is, what does that mean? Healing for the rest of my life until I die?

 

When I informed myself about the bad reaction I had, most people in the pp forum said that because I took only 4 pills, the symptoms will quickly abade and I should be happy that I did not took it for longer. Then I came across antidepressantfacts with many horrible explanations and a timeline of 18 months. Others, like Punarbhava, say that it takes around 2 years for most and I believe this is true. But so many people seem to have problems for 5 or more years, that it makes me feel quite bad when I think about that.

Yes, I have to live with it, no matter what comes and I do not really ruminate about it, but it is quite difficult at times to stay positive.

 

Nevertheless thank you all for being here and helping to keep a clear mind!

 

Hi Maybe........

 

glad to read that you are doing a bit better than what you were previously, although I do understand that you are far from feeling perfect.

 

 

I believe it would be helpful to remember one critical factor regarding your adverse drug reaction and recovery time-frame following exposure to this latest drug.

 

Your brain was not in a virginal state, due to previous exposure to another AD for many months (if I'm correctly recalling). I believe you had no problems coming off the previous AD however, and correct me if I'm mistaken, you were off the previous AD for about 8 months before introducting these last few pills (newest AD)?

 

 

Perhaps I have the time-frames confused however, the point is your brain had been previously exposed to ADs.

 

 

You could have incurred a "kindling effect" or simply an adverse reaction with these latest few pills, but please keep in mind that even though you may not have incurred WD effects from stopping the previous AD many, many months prior, your brain's receptors could have remained in a fragile enough state to react badly to the introduction of any other psyche drug, no matter how small the dose and/or very limited time of exposure.

 

 

BTW, I'm not sayng I'm right here but rather, just presenting a possible explanation as to why you are incurring a protracted WD effect from a few doses of the lastest AD that your brain has been exposed to.

 

 

Also, could have stirred up the receptors enough with this short term use to create a disturbance great enough to activiate a WD mode from the previous AD coupled with the latest AD exposure.

 

Anyway, I'm not relaying my thoughts too clearly ATM but perhaps others can offer possible explanations and/or present, in a clearer manner, that which I'm trying to relay.

 

 

Anyway, it is impressive that you are committed to seeing this process through to the end without introducting anything that could jeopardize your chances to recover sooner rather than later.

 

 

You're doing real good. Just keep on for a few more months and you will be free to live more fully!

 

 

Punar

[Altostrata]

Once in a while, someone reports a terrible reaction and withdrawal syndrome from just a few pills, 4 is not uncommon. That would represent 4 days, about the length of time it would take a drug to reach peak plasma level in your bloodstream.

 

In other words, it takes a few days to work up to its dosage level.

 

Clearly, Maybe, that dosage level was not right for your nervous system and, as Pun suggested, probably set off a hidden fragility from your previous course of medication.

 

As for how long it will take to recover -- that's a question all of us ask!! Your symptom patterns have been changing and gradually improving, which is a good sign.

 

Some of them are still distressing. The best you can do is cope with them and stay in a good frame of mind, which will help your recovery. Generating worry tends to make symptoms worse.

 

One of the things you can do to encourage good feelings in yourself is to show interest in and help others, and develop friendships and trust. That's why these kinds of forums are helpful, you can do these things with little risk and physical effort.

 

You may recover before most people here, or you may take longer than some. You can learn from people who have been coping with their symptoms for a very long time. We're all pretty much in the same boat.

[Healing]

PB -- I had thought something similar. I think it's a good theory.

 

We simply don't know if it was the one-two punch of the two drug exposures, or if it was just a pure adverse reaction to the second drug exposure.

 

Either way, Maybe, you will fully recover!

 

And Sur makes an excellent point about reaching out to help others as a bona fide way to help your own neurological healing. It works surprisingly well! I'm healing faster since I started stretching myself to help on SA a few weeks ago!

 

[Maybe]

Thank you for your answers!

 

I guess one will never know why this really happened. I just want it to be over. Yesterday was another really bad day, maybe I shouldn't have posted that I am feeling quite good...

 

You feel fine and then bang, back to square one. That's a joke. But the worst is, you just do not know what you can do to help. Everything I tested, from eating only natural foods to doing some sports, it just does not matter. Everything that happens is just random.

 

Whenever I am hit by a bad day or wave, I notice that i grow more and more aggressive about the whole situation. I then verbally hurt others, especially my mom, because I cannot cope with those feelings of rage anymore. I am so angry about the doc and this whole mess, I sometimes am close to becoming totally nuts with all those weird feelings. And the thought of having to endure those up and downs for another year or more just kills me. Besides my symptoms life is not that good at the moment, so it just is not worth it to endure this crap too much longer.

 

I do not have the strength to support others on their way. When i am feeling better, I want to just ignore it all and when I worse, I need help myself. But if I really recover, i will help as good as I can to bring others through this mess.

 

But no one said that every life has a happy end.

[Healing]

I'm really sorry you're having a bad time, Maybe.

 

You cannot trust your feelings right now. This is classic neuro-emotion. Your life is going to turn out better than you can even imagine right now. Your feelings are misleading you into thinking the worst. You will feel differently about your life when you come into a better period again.

 

The anger is a very common part of w/d. And it's very hard. We all go through periods of not being able to contain it. It's good to keep trying to behave in a healthy way. But, it's inevitable there will be outbursts. It's part of the illness. It's part of the toll the illness takes on us and those around us. You can apologize later, when you feel able to.

 

Regarding helping others, I think this is another area where you can't quite trust your feelings. You actually have many parts. Part of you can be sick as a dog. At the same time, another part of you is still interested in things, talented, wanting to contribute. They can both be present at the same time. Try and get in touch with the other parts of you that are still there even when you're sick. They're more dormant, but they're there.

 

Think of yourself as a pie. Right now, maybe half of the pie is sick. But there are other pieces of the pie, and they can be drawn on to help you with the hard part.

 

This is a tasty pie with a couple of undercooked spots --

[Punarbhava]

I'm really sorry you're having a bad time, Maybe.

 

You cannot trust your feelings right now. This is classic neuro-emotion. Your life is going to turn out better than you can even imagine right now. Your feelings are misleading you into thinking the worst. You will feel differently about your life when you come into a better period again.

 

The anger is a very common part of w/d. And it's very hard. We all go through periods of not being able to contain it. It's good to keep trying to behave in a healthy way. But, it's inevitable there will be outbursts. It's part of the illness. It's part of the toll the illness takes on us and those around us. You can apologize later, when you feel able to.

 

Regarding helping others, I think this is another area where you can't quite trust your feelings. You actually have many parts. Part of you can be sick as a dog. At the same time, another part of you is still interested in things, talented, wanting to contribute. They can both be present at the same time. Try and get in touch with the other parts of you that are still there even when you're sick. They're more dormant, but they're there.

 

Think of yourself as a pie. Right now, maybe half of the pie is sick. But there are other pieces of the pie, and they can be drawn on to help you with the hard part.

 

This is a tasty pie with a couple of undercooked spots --

 

Such a great post Healing! So many great points made that I very much agree with.

 

Glad I read this thread since, it will allow me to share so others can understand how WD can induce irrational thoughts and behaviors.

 

I'm an extremely patient person by nature and even at the best of times, when I become angry or enraged I can always regulate my response in a non-destructive manner. I can even out-bully bullies without resorting to abuse or toxic aggression. I can stand my ground with a calm resolve without becoming insane even if I'm fuming inside (lol).

 

However, lately, during this WD phase, I feel explosive rage in proportions that I have never experienced before in my life. Consequently, I'm keeping to myself as much as possible when such days appear since, I do not wish to ignite into volcanic proportions and dump on others.

 

Of course, this means I have to isolate which is painful as well since, when in such states one doesn't wish to be alone however, at the same time, I can't trust myself to interact with anyone. So, I choose isolation over interaction.

 

It's shocking how a reasonable, rational extremely patient person can turn into feeling like a monster (lol) with little or nor provocation.

 

I won't even pick up the phone or interact when these episodes come upon me since I don't trust myself, despite always being able to trust myself in the past. Just to show how ridiculous WD induced rage can get:

 

for about a couple of weeks (several months ago) every time I looked at two specific decorative accessories that I had in my hall and livingroom, I got swept with an urge to pick them up, drill them against the wall with as much force as possible so they would smash into a million pieces. AND BTW, these are two items that I really LIKE.

 

That's what's so bizarre about all this. One would think that I would want to smash something that had a bad memory attached to it. But NO.

 

BTW, I didn't throw the items and I have never acted out violently in my life but I have to say that it took great strength for me to not act on these waves of impulse that would rush over my entire being with great magnitude.

 

The thing is: two seconds before the rush I wasn't even feeling any anger. These rushes would come up suddenly and then recede as suddenly as they appeared.

 

I KNOW that this is not the real me but rather, a WD induced demonic force (lol) beckoning me to purge the wave of biochemically induced rage that sweeps over me.

 

I like the pie analogy as well Healing. Only if I may add a bit of humour: one of my pie wedges is steaming and boiling over and when this happens I try to access the wedge of humour to calm down the volcanic wedge (if that makes any sense) LOL.

 

 

Anyway, I will post this and ruin my saintly reputation (LOL) Oh, I don't even have a reputation according to this support forum. I'm classified as having ZERO reputation (whatever that means) LOL

 

However, I've just remedied that problem.. I have now created a BAD REP image for myself and I like it!

 

Punar

[Punarbhava]

Thank you for your answers!

 

I guess one will never know why this really happened. I just want it to be over. Yesterday was another really bad day, maybe I shouldn't have posted that I am feeling quite good...

 

You feel fine and then bang, back to square one. That's a joke. But the worst is, you just do not know what you can do to help. Everything I tested, from eating only natural foods to doing some sports, it just does not matter. Everything that happens is just random.

 

Whenever I am hit by a bad day or wave, I notice that i grow more and more aggressive about the whole situation. I then verbally hurt others, especially my mom, because I cannot cope with those feelings of rage anymore. I am so angry about the doc and this whole mess, I sometimes am close to becoming totally nuts with all those weird feelings. And the thought of having to endure those up and downs for another year or more just kills me. Besides my symptoms life is not that good at the moment, so it just is not worth it to endure this crap too much longer.

 

I do not have the strength to support others on their way. When i am feeling better, I want to just ignore it all and when I worse, I need help myself. But if I really recover, i will help as good as I can to bring others through this mess.

 

But no one said that every life has a happy end.

 

Maybe.......

 

the longer the WD process goes on the more emotionally and psychologically depleted one can become, not to mention, impatient. I understand since, I feel the same way many times.

 

I view this as being part of the healing journey. Earlier in WD all our energy is consumed with surviving and hanging on but as we begin to see small signs of recovery, and receive a small taste of relief (whether major or minor) our hopes start to rise as we anticipate recovery.

 

But then, as you mention, we get hit again and sucked into believing that this will never end. Naturally anger, frustration and fear start to take hold.

 

 

I believe once I'm recovered, the anger factor is going to escalate as I will have the energy to engage in being enraged at the medical system that ruined so many years of my life. This purging will have to occur in order for me to leave the past behind and to move forward.

 

It's okay to be angry. In fact, it's a necessary component to the emotional and psychological healing that needs to occur once we have physically recovered.

 

 

All is good. We just have to make sure that we work out our anger in a constructive manner rather than a destructive manner to avoid harming others, as well as ourselves, along the way.

 

 

In the meantime, there are a lot of anger management books, website, and/or programs out there that one can look into to enable one to manage their anger, even make peace with it and ultimately, use it for a higher purpose.

 

 

You will heal from all this. You really will! You've come this far.........just keep going and you will eventually reap the rewards.

 

 

Much More Healing to You!

 

 

Punar

[Healing]

PB -- I'm so glad you're not a saint! Join the club!

 

Yeah, I have had a hair trigger for rage during this recovery, which I did not have before. I also have extreme hearing sensitivity, and, these two things combine, such that, if someone rubs a paper towel or fabric, I immediately want to scream at them!

 

It's really like "contracting" an impulse control disorder later in life -- there is no thought or time involved. It is an instantaneous reaction that comes straight out of the blue.

 

The hearing sensitivity hasn't improved yet, but the overall hair trigger for rage has definitely gotten a lot better than it was.

 

So, "Maybe", you are not alone.

[Altostrata]

There definitely was a time when it seemed odd things could send me into a rage. I had no patience whatsoever. Anything that was the least bit frustrating made me feel unbearably anxious.

 

There was anger, too -- and still is. I believe it's understandable and even healthy to feel anger at our situations. But -- don't let being angry cause you to blame yourself or hurt yourself! Direct your anger at the psychiatric industry that has hurt us all, and work with other people on this site to change things.

 

Maybe, a sense of purpose can be sustaining, and everyone can do their part, to the extent of their capabilities at the moment.

[Punarbhava]

PB -- I'm so glad you're not a saint! Join the club!

 

Yeah, I have had a hair trigger for rage during this recovery, which I did not have before. I also have extreme hearing sensitivity, and, these two things combine, such that, if someone rubs a paper towel or fabric, I immediately want to scream at them!

 

It's really like "contracting" an impulse control disorder later in life -- there is no thought or time involved. It is an instantaneous reaction that comes straight out of the blue.

 

The hearing sensitivity hasn't improved yet, but the overall hair trigger for rage has definitely gotten a lot better than it was.

 

So, "Maybe", you are not alone.

 

Oh, can I ever relate to all you have written re: the sound sensitivity factor.

 

 

I had to wear earplugs to get through the day since, seemingly unannoying environmental sounds felt like major assaults upon my CNS. I even wore power-tool ear protectors over the ear plugs. All my system could handle was dead silence.

 

things have improved over the course of time however, the past couple of weeks (due to stress overload set-back combined with a wave) I'm back to utilizing ear plugs in order to minimize the shock that sounds have on my system.

 

 

I'm sorry you're still dealing with this Healing. I hope substantial improvements occur in the very near future, since I know how horrible it can be to live with such sensitivities.

 

 

BTW, thanks for welcoming me into "The Sainthood Anonymous Club". (LOL)

 

 

Based on all our posts, I believe we're also in need of weekly or even daily, "Rage-a-holic's Anonymous" meetings.

 

 

Pun

[Maybe]

My rage is not really unnormal. I think it is quite natural to be angry about the doctor and the whole pharma lobby. IT is just that I am mean to my mother because I talk to her most often when feeling bad. And she tries to help me of course, but cannot do anything.

 

It is so devastating that only 4 pills (with maybe an impact of the other medicine) could harm me so much, that I cannot live a normal life anymore. I work, I can laugh, but I always have those darn symptoms, even if I feel better. It was more than 20 months ago that I took those pills.....it is sooo unbelievable.

 

The worst thing is, I was better off one year ago than now. Before I did this darn accupuncture I had 2 weeks of feeling comepletly back to normal..100%!!! And in the 3 months I was in hospital, my symptoms were on the average weaker than they are now. I have the feeling that I harmed my cns beyond repair. How come that I do not have a single day of feeling close to normal anymore, where I had several in a row a year ago. Even if I had 3 to 4 weeks of feeling ok, I am not healed and the last week has been bad again. This can go on for years or even the rest of my life. If we are honest, we just do not know. We hope, yes, but we do not know. It could get worse, it could get better, it could stay the same. It is totally random and there is nothing one can do.

 

I am 31 and I need to be healthy now and not in 10 years. At this point my whole career is at stake. I can work, but not 100%, but I have to, if I want to be successful. I have to be healthy if I want to have family, but I am not.

 

Yes, my average day now seems to be much better than most other people's withdrawl. But that is not enough. I need to be at 100% if I want to go on. And there is nothin I can do, nothing. I am as helpless as a child. This makes me furious. If this is going on for much longer, I do not know If I am not going to take those darn pills and shove them up the docs throat who prescribed them to me.

[angie007]

Hi Maybe,

 

I understand your frustration i really do.

 

I think PURNAR was bang on with what she wrote about,

"" The longer the wd process goes on the more emotionally

and psychologically depleted we become, not to mention impatient!!

 

This rings true for so many of us during the wd process, me included,

wd is a very bizzarre, strange phenomen not understood by anyone really, unless

they have experienced just what we have, and endured the pits of despair that

wd has brought us too, and i think when opur emotions are drained, frustration sets in

and that naturally causes us to have RAGES, ive had them too buddy, during my long taper,

poor hubby, ive thrown things, screamed like a mad woman, hubby has gone white on m ore than one

occasion, and the one time, he even shed a tear, when he told me, " he was scared for me".

That statement broke my heart- as this is so not me at all.

That was coming off at very low dose!!!!!!

 

I also think the fact that you have hung on to some much hatred over those "4 pills" is not helping,

that is feeding this anger - yes its understandable, i too have issues with my prescribing doctor and the drug company, but it does nothing for us!!!!!!!!!! It keeps us in that perpetual state of anger and anxiety, and just feeds the rages. The past is done my friend, LET IT GO, and concentrate on healing and getting well.

This phase will pass, it is only temporary, maybe a long temporary, but temporary all the same.

 

You are young, you have a life ahead of you, why let anger and resentment eat you up and create even more chaos - for you.

There is nothing to be gained from it, we cannot change the past in any way, but we sure can learn from our mistakes, and shape our future .

 

You do realise by the way, that people recover from brain trauma??

People who have been severely hurt in road accidents???

The brain has an amazing capability to heal, and if people who are severely brain traumatised

can recover, then I KNOW that we can!!!

Go live your life, dont worry about tomorrow, life is far too short, and you are far too young

to be dragging your feet hanging on to this ball of chain of mental destruction created by hanging on to things

that its far too late to change.

 

Look ahead to the future, maybe a wife, maybe a family, a job you enjoy,

and forget whats gone, its in the past!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Maybe]

Hi Angie,

 

I would forget about it at once, if I had none of those symtpoms anymore. It is not about my psyche, it is about my body. Dizziness, digestive grumbling and weird feelings and on and on. I do not ever know if I will ever feel normal again, because I forgot how it feels like. I want to go out, drink some beer, go dancing and have fun. i want to do sports like I used to before. I want to lift weight and get my muscles back. All those things I cannot do right now, because my cns might react badly.

And it is not about the brain only, it is about the whole system. There is not real damage like in accidents that could be build anew. The system is malfunctioning. It is more like the body trying to adjust and adjust, but no quite achieving it. It seems to be luck if it happens some day.

 

My body was so darn healthy before I took those pills.....and now I am a wreck.

[Altostrata]

Maybe, one thing (out of many) that is very difficult in our situation is changing expectations for yourself.

 

Nothing can be more painful than comparing what might have been if you had not met this drug to what is happening now. I know that thought immediately throws me into a dark place.

 

Work on accepting your current situation and devoting your energy to healing, rather than letting disappointment and anger at yourself corrode your nervous system further.

 

It is indeed natural to be angry at someone or something that injures you and reduces you. It is also natural to take care of yourself.

 

Many of us who were prone to depression tend NOT to make taking care of ourselves a priority. We add hurting ourselves to the hurts we get from the world.

 

This is a way this awful condition is forcing your character to change and grow. You need to make taking care of yourself your top priority.

 

This means accepting what is now and stop looking backward -- you're chewing on yourself.

[angie007]

Hey Maybe,

 

Those bodily sensations you describe my friend??

I know all those, really i do, feels like your whole bodily system is

malfunctioning and you will never ever be well again.

 

FALSE.

 

Those bodliy misfunctions are created by ANXIETY!!!!

Which you are perpetuating subconciously by negative thinking,

doubts in yourself and your ability to heal.

This is what severe anxiety does to us my friend.

I know - im the anxiety queen since this poison journey started.

 

Wd has us believe that we cannot do normal things other people do,

it gives us symptoms our minds percieve as illness,

this in turn leads to our bodyies reacting in strange ways with weird

feelings, just to convince us even more.

 

Much as its hard to believe, its so true, i swear!!!!!

 

There is nothing we cannot do, and im not telling you to go out and get bladdered here lol,

 

but you can go out, socialise, have a girlfriend, mates etc, and start to get your life back on track.

Once you change your life - me too here - we change our thinking.

Thats when we feel differently, not only in ourselves, but about ourselves too.

 

And yes , i most certainly do believe that everything you are feeling is very real,

because ive been there too,

Think about it, it works, and you have nothing to lose right now, but everything to GAIN.

[angie007]

Forgot to add,

Go dancing, go out definately, have some fun,

we are all entitled to that much, we have earned it,

lift some weights, but do everything in moderation FOR NOW,

until your cns settles down, which it will.

 

Try some gentle exercise just to get you back into the swing,

and build those muscles back up, try swimming, sauna, very good for calming down the cns.

 

Be well my friend, eat healthy, think healthy, and everything in moderation, to begin with lol.

My recipe for health of mind and body, after a chemical onslaught,

But we will win in the end.

Hugs

[Altostrata]

angie, sometimes people really are too sick to fake it until they make it.

 

Not all of these symptoms are caused by anxiety. They're neurological, and some activities make them worse.

[summer]

angie, sometimes people really are too sick to fake it until they make it.

 

Not all of these symptoms are caused by anxiety. They're neurological, and some activities make them worse.

 

I agree that many symptoms are neurological, and that some activities make them worse. However, there is something to trying to think positively. It's very hard to do when you are in the thick of things and aren't feeling well... that is a given. But, some positivity can't hurt. Something as simple as... I'm going to take a walk around the block, notice what is around me, smell the flowers, and know that my lungs are being filled with fresh air... just typing that sentence made me feel a bit more positive.

[angie007]

I apologise, all i wanted to do was share and offer some positivity.

[Healing]

Great stuff, Angie and Sur!

 

I think PURNAR was bang on with what she wrote about,

"" The longer the wd process goes on the more emotionally

and psychologically depleted we become, not to mention impatient!!

 

This rings true for so many of us during the wd process, me included,

wd is a very bizzarre, strange phenomen not understood by anyone really, unless

they have experienced just what we have, and endured the pits of despair that

wd has brought us too, and i think when opur emotions are drained, frustration sets in

and that naturally causes us to have RAGES, ive had them too buddy, during my long taper,

poor hubby....

 

This phase will pass, it is only temporary, maybe a long temporary, but temporary all the same.....

 

You do realise by the way, that people recover from brain trauma??

People who have been severely hurt in road accidents???

The brain has an amazing capability to heal, and if people who are severely brain traumatised

can recover, then I KNOW that we can!!!

 

Yes!

 

 

Many of us who were prone to depression tend NOT to make taking care of ourselves a priority. We add hurting ourselves to the hurts we get from the world.

 

This is a way this awful condition is forcing your character to change and grow. You need to make taking care of yourself your top priority.

 

This means accepting what is now and stop looking backward -- you're chewing on yourself.

 

Excellent point!

[Maybe]

And here is the major problem. How does one know what is neurological and what is anxiety? Sometimes I can discern, but not always and yes, may system "has" anxiety. Sometimes when I go out to take a walk or so, I get weird feelings although I felt ok before. Never ever had that in my life. And honestly I very, very seldom am afraid of things right now, so how can anxiety still persist?

[Altostrata]

Positivity positively can be positive, and that's a fact!

 

And here is the major problem. How does one know what is neurological and what is anxiety?...

 

Excellent question.

 

Do whatever you can to manage anxiety, not to make yourself afraid, to sooth yourself. Be as active as possible. Stay away from stressful situations.

 

Whatever is leftover is neurological. Cope with it as best you can. Remind yourself you are in a recovery phase.

 

See http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/296-the-serenity-prayer/page__view__findpost__p__3178:

 

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

[angie007]

Positivity was all i tried to offer Maybe, plus some hope,

vital ingredients which help enormously.

[Maybe]

I know and I am grateful for that. Do not misunderstand me

 

I am just trying to release some steam and maybe I am overlooking something in my case. I still cannot understand that I felt so good before the acupuncture and close 3 months prior to it and then fall so deep. I never heard about any other case like mine...

 

I somehow afraid that those 2 sessions harmed my system more than the pills did.

[Neuroplastic]

And here is the major problem. How does one know what is neurological and what is anxiety? Sometimes I can discern, but not always and yes, may system "has" anxiety. Sometimes when I go out to take a walk or so, I get weird feelings although I felt ok before. Never ever had that in my life. And honestly I very, very seldom am afraid of things right now, so how can anxiety still persist?

 

Maybe, correct me if I'm wrong, but you were prescribed SSRIs for depression/burnout. And there was no anxiety involved at that time. Thus, to not make things too complicated, the anxiety you're experiencing stems from WD. There's every reason to believe that as time passes, your anxiety will be diminishing (even if in the waves and windows pattern).

 

You may try doing things you can do - exercises, going out, interacting with people, etc., but, at the same time, keep learning the limits to which you can do them. "Too much" in your state may be interpreted as "not enough" by the healthy ones, but the "compass" of what is "too much" is in yourself. I know how cliche it sounds, but, really, the "middle-way" is always the best. There're days you may feel good enough to do more things, and that is great, but there're days when any pushing is absolutely counter-productive and literaly wreaks havoc on the system.

 

One thing is certain; you will heal no matter what.

[Altostrata]

Maybe, why do you keep thinking about 4 pills and the acupuncture? Are you blaming yourself?

[Maybe]

Yes, you are right. I had no problems with anxiety before my wd experience. But after it, many symptoms were anxiety related as I now know. But after the acupuncture everything seems so much more bodily, like the digestive problems, headaches and so on.

 

The first severe symptom I had was a panic attack on the morning after the 3rd pill. And even when wd began, 2 weeks after the 4th pill, many symptoms vanished when the ambulance came. Those darn pills have a very, very bad effect on our fear system. That is for sure...

 

@Surviving:

Yes, somehow I do blame myself. At least about the acupuncture. Why did I do it when I was feeling good? That was plain stupid. And why did I take the Lexapro without collecting information about it like I always did with medicine?

 

And now I am in this mess without seeing a way out.

[Altostrata]

Maybe, here is your first self-healing assignment: Stop blaming yourself about taking Lexapro or trying acupuncture.

 

All of us did exactly the same thing: We trusted medicine and sought treatments. In that, you are not any different from me, or anyone else here.

 

You need to forgive yourself for doing what millions of people are doing every day.

 

Do this today: Every time you regret the pills or the acupuncture, say to yourself, "I forgive myself," and then imagine giving yourself a soothing pat.

 

Seriously.

[Maybe]

I will try it. And I am going to start meditation tonight, at least if I am calm enough. I often get aroused when I try to calm down, but that was the case even before wd. So at least one thing that is still normal

[Punarbhava]

Hi Maybe........

 

 

I've quickly scanned the above posts and it appears that many have offered some excellent advice and strategies to deal with your current emotional reactions so I won't repeat however, I wish to add a few points:

 

 

1) part of the WD complex is to obsess over HOW and WHY this happened, not to mention recount, over and over again, IF we did anything to worsen WD etc. etc.

 

 

Our minds become locked into this vicious cycle of analyzing things to death as an attempt to CONTROL the WD recovery process. Believe me, there is NO judgment towards you but rather, only understanding.

 

As so, with that understanding, if I may share, I had to learn to "let the obsessions go" for my own sake since, ruminating over all of it made me worse. I had to accept that this has happened to me and focus on what I could do to enhance my mind, in positive ways, so I could ride out this time as gracefully as possible.

 

 

I had researched things to death, throughout WD and in the end, it didn't provide me with anymore comfort TBH since, it did not change the state that I was in, nor did it speed my recovery time, nor did it make me feel anymore at peace with it all.

 

I had to adopt that "what's done is done. Now what do I need to do to keep my mind from going deeper into despair? I need to stay busy empowering myself as much as possible in order to survive this journey.

 

 

I also reminded myself that I WILL deal with my anger/rage ONCE I'm recover. In this way, I felt like I was not abandoning my experience nor my right to fight for justice. I've just put it on hold for now, but certainly not forever. The number one priority is to recover, and to get through WD with as much positivity and hope as possible.

 

 

2) Many of us here have been through multiple WD and/or longer recovery times and thus, this isn't our first rodeo. With this in mind, it's obvious that we've had more time to develop coping strategies than someone who is in their "first time" WD event. So, we certainly aren't superior to you in any way.

 

We're just more seasoned, unfortunately. Not to mention, a lot OLDER (lol) which means, many of us have had a lot of hard knocks along the way (prior to WD) and thus, have had ample opportunities to work on evolving in various ways in order to survive life in general.

 

 

3) BTW, despite being "well seasoned", when I was at the phase that you're presently in, I was becoming downright miserable (couldn't even stand myself) and very depressed about the whole WD process. I'm not a miserable person by nature and I work diligently to empower myself through a variety of means but it was tough going at the stage your presently in.

 

I couldn't believe, nor understand why and how miserable I felt but then realized, that my resilience is starting to wear thin and I just had to remind myself to keep going, no matter how weak, tired and impatient I felt.

 

 

Now, I'm not as miserable at the 23 month mark. My moods don't feel as horrible and thus, I don't have to work as hard at pounding myself with positivity. So, just hang in there Maybe. Your currrent mind-set WILL IMPROVE. It really will!

 

I know it's a miserable place to be but things won't stay this way.

 

BTW, forgive me IF I've repeated anything that anyone else may have brought forward. As mentioned, I have not fully read each post since, it's too much for my brain to handle ATM.

 

 

Much More Healing to You!

 

 

Pun

[Maybe]

Hey Pun

 

My mind set is strongly related to how I am feeling overall. So if I am in a wave, everything is worse of course. But I do not really have "chemically altered mood states". I am just angry about this all. Besides the fear I had when wd began, I never experienced any depression or rage phases. The whole time I was close to normal in regard to this. I never was a too calm guy anyway

But you are of course right, rumminating does not help and can make things even worse. There were lots of symptoms I read about and was anxious of getting them as well. This surely is not practical if one wants to stabilize...

 

Main problem, besides some derealization now and then, which definitely stems from the cns as well, is my physical condition, especially the digestive system.

 

Can it be, that newly grown/upregulated neuroreceptors are just more sensitive to stimuli than old/existing ones? As I said above, my digestive nervous system is a mess. I get symptoms whenever I eat something or even when I push my stomach or sit down. Sometimes eating even eases the symptoms. Quite weird. Besides the 3 days of adverse reaction, those problems started very late, like 12 to 14 months out.