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cpuusage

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Truth is mmt - part of me hates this World; society / system / 'civilisation' & way that the majority of humanity are. i want out - i won't act on it - But my life has been & is Hell. 

Various psychiatric drug treatments since 1990. Prozac & Stelazine in 1994 for a few years. 1200mg Amisulpride in 1998 for a year. 1999 to current time have maintained 200mg of Amisulpride & increased to 300mg a few years ago, with 2 stopping attempts in 2001 & 2003/4. i stopped all medications 5 times, for around 8 years in total, but the last 3 withdrawal/stopping attempts were disastrous. Am very unsure about stopping medication again. Have recently (in Winter 2018) had to increase the Amisulpride to 400mg. 

Healing Sanctuary - http://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/

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On 3/22/2019 at 11:45 AM, cpuusage said:

i sometimes get 10 Lorazepam PRN from the GP - i am going to ask for 20 PRN a month, as it does help with the severe anxiety / fear. 

 

CPU, how long have you been using lorazepam? As Manymoretodays mentioned, it only takes 2 - 4 weeks to develop a dependency.

 

And even PRN use can cause dependency. Lorazepam has a half-life of 10 - 20 hours, so if you are a slow metabolizer, you would still have 25% of it in your system 40 hours later. This is how people using periodic benzos become dependent on them.

 

Lorzepam is also notorious for causing rebound anxiety, which can manifest as anything from very acute panic attacks to a deep feeling of dread and terror. Benzos affect the amygdala, which is the fear center of the brain. 

 

Please let us know if you wish to explore this aspect and get information on coming off lorazepam, as your symptom of "severe anxiety / fear" is classic benzo withdrawal. I had it acutely in 2014 and it wasn't until I found a benzo withdrawal forum that I understood the powers that such a little pill can have and I was able to understand the concept "your drug may be your problem".  I've been off all psych drugs for almost 4 years and that symptom is long gone.

 

So I'm wondering if it's possible that some of what you're dealing with is coming from periodic benzo use. 

 

Please post your thoughts. 

 

 

 

 

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24 minutes ago, Shep said:

 

CPU, how long have you been using lorazepam? As Manymoretodays mentioned, it only takes 2 - 4 weeks to develop a dependency.

 

So I'm wondering if it's possible that some of what you're dealing with is coming from periodic benzo use. 

 

Please post your thoughts. 


The severe anxiety / fear / terror started in childhood, age 7, after a serious accident & head & neck trauma.

 

i think that there are multiple factors for the way i am. i can't go with all the denial of illness stuff anymore, or blaming it all on psychiatry / medication - there is a severe underlying illness. 

 

i have been taking street valium & lorazepam off & on for the past 7 years. Sometimes i go months without taking any. 

 

i feel i need a professional medical / psychiatric opinion on my whole case. 

Various psychiatric drug treatments since 1990. Prozac & Stelazine in 1994 for a few years. 1200mg Amisulpride in 1998 for a year. 1999 to current time have maintained 200mg of Amisulpride & increased to 300mg a few years ago, with 2 stopping attempts in 2001 & 2003/4. i stopped all medications 5 times, for around 8 years in total, but the last 3 withdrawal/stopping attempts were disastrous. Am very unsure about stopping medication again. Have recently (in Winter 2018) had to increase the Amisulpride to 400mg. 

Healing Sanctuary - http://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/

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15 minutes ago, cpuusage said:

i feel i need a professional medical / psychiatric opinion on my whole case. 

 

Fair enough, Cpu. Please work with your doctor. 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Shep said:

 

Fair enough, Cpu. Please work with your doctor. 


Thanks - i feel that is best at this stage - i have tried & read 'everything' on all this area - i am aware of all the different opinions & arguments on it all. 

 

We live in a very far from ideal World - & i have to work within the realities of my own condition / illness / symptoms & circumstances / resources.  

Various psychiatric drug treatments since 1990. Prozac & Stelazine in 1994 for a few years. 1200mg Amisulpride in 1998 for a year. 1999 to current time have maintained 200mg of Amisulpride & increased to 300mg a few years ago, with 2 stopping attempts in 2001 & 2003/4. i stopped all medications 5 times, for around 8 years in total, but the last 3 withdrawal/stopping attempts were disastrous. Am very unsure about stopping medication again. Have recently (in Winter 2018) had to increase the Amisulpride to 400mg. 

Healing Sanctuary - http://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/

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Enough people have & do take issue with me. & say that i am the problem, & that there is something wrong with me - i had people saying that i was severely personality disordered & a psychopath on other mental health forums, & different places on-line. Regardless, with how i am i can't accept or adapt to & live properly, cope & function any better in this society / system - i hate it. 

 

i'll see what the psychiatrist says next Friday & what they suggest, in conjunction with the local psychological services & then with this psychologist in June. 

 

 

Various psychiatric drug treatments since 1990. Prozac & Stelazine in 1994 for a few years. 1200mg Amisulpride in 1998 for a year. 1999 to current time have maintained 200mg of Amisulpride & increased to 300mg a few years ago, with 2 stopping attempts in 2001 & 2003/4. i stopped all medications 5 times, for around 8 years in total, but the last 3 withdrawal/stopping attempts were disastrous. Am very unsure about stopping medication again. Have recently (in Winter 2018) had to increase the Amisulpride to 400mg. 

Healing Sanctuary - http://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/

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Well, i had an hour long psych app - not very impressed with it all. i did mention all the alien stuff & wrote a comprehensive letter regarding symptoms. She was interested in if i had been abducted, & any contact that i had had with aliens. 

 

The psych basically suggested to increase the anti-psychotic medication & start sertraline, a SSRI. 

 

Am not suitable for & can't access psychological help with the NHS. Was given leaflets for the various local peer run recovery services, & the local NHS drop in, but within current routines & responsibilities it is hard to engage with, especially with my role as a carer for my mum, & doing my best to support family. One good thing if it is written well is a supporting letter for the social security that i am a chronic case & not currently fit for work, but will see what the letter says when it arrives. 

 

She said that NHS services are evidenced based, & focused on goals & outcomes - if it was then services would not be the way that they are, but i couldn't be bothered arguing. 

i tried with it all. Case of now holding out for the psychologist in June.

 

The psych is writing to the GP, who is ringing in a couple of weeks with a telephone appointment with some blood test results, probably to tell me how high my cholesterol is & how unhealthy i am, & so will discuss it all with him when he rings. 

 

i suppose a lot is all down to me, as it always has been & is. 

 

On i plod. 

 

 

 

Various psychiatric drug treatments since 1990. Prozac & Stelazine in 1994 for a few years. 1200mg Amisulpride in 1998 for a year. 1999 to current time have maintained 200mg of Amisulpride & increased to 300mg a few years ago, with 2 stopping attempts in 2001 & 2003/4. i stopped all medications 5 times, for around 8 years in total, but the last 3 withdrawal/stopping attempts were disastrous. Am very unsure about stopping medication again. Have recently (in Winter 2018) had to increase the Amisulpride to 400mg. 

Healing Sanctuary - http://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/

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  • 2 weeks later...

Just had a telephone app with the GP. All my blood test results came back fine. 

 

i have been feeling slightly better on the whole. 

 

Waiting out for the psychologist in June. 

Various psychiatric drug treatments since 1990. Prozac & Stelazine in 1994 for a few years. 1200mg Amisulpride in 1998 for a year. 1999 to current time have maintained 200mg of Amisulpride & increased to 300mg a few years ago, with 2 stopping attempts in 2001 & 2003/4. i stopped all medications 5 times, for around 8 years in total, but the last 3 withdrawal/stopping attempts were disastrous. Am very unsure about stopping medication again. Have recently (in Winter 2018) had to increase the Amisulpride to 400mg. 

Healing Sanctuary - http://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/

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Wise words from a friend on face book - & i share her sentiments. i shall repeat the conversation here - 

 

"Quitting the psych survivor movement. I’m a service user, psychiatrically disabled, Mad identified, autistic, abolitionist of force and coercion, prison abolitionist, anti-capitalist, anarchist, victim not survivor, walking dead person, labels are fine. I’m down for decolonization but know as a white person I’m going to **** up a lot. Not a shaman. Drugs are fine and drug users are marginalized. Fat people are marginalized and being fat is fine. Disabled people are marginalized and being disabled is fine. Yoga makes me want to die. “Healthy food” is a moralistic marketing scheme and way to shame poor people. And **** the police."

"There’s been so many reasons and yeah a lack of intersectionality is one of them. Also I can’t share a movement with people who are transphobic and actively making the world more hostile to trans people. The anti-Big Pharma crowd just routinely shames drug users, fat poeple, and disabled people. I also finding a lot of the anti-dx rhetoric to be really hateful and exclusionary towards disability communities who have built an identity and culture that should be celebrated. So often someone who is proudly autistic or proudly bipolar is told they have a “limiting belief” and need to stop thinking they are disabled. This seems so hateful to me. The movement is dominated by white people, many of privileged backgrounds and provides jobs and social capital to people who fit neatly into one or two recovery narratives: “I came off my psych drugs and sat with my pain and found it transformative.” There’s nothing wrong with that narrative but other voices aren’t given space or a platform and are told to just go to NAMI."

My most recent psychiatrist letter - 

 

My most recent psychiatrist letter - 

This is to say that this gentleman has a history of serious schizophrenia complicated by major drug problems with 4 psychiatric hospitalisations & 8 episodes of relapse. He clearly has a severe mental illness for which he has been seen in local out patient clinics. He tells me he has been severely effected by psychiatric symptoms since the age of 6 / 7. 

He reports long standing psychological issues arising from these episodes. 

In light of this, i would strongly support his continued receipt of benefits, as his illness & ongoing issues would make it very hard for him to continue in paid employment.

Not long anyway & this entire **** house will burn down -


https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-features/bill-mckibben-falter-climate-change-817310/

Various psychiatric drug treatments since 1990. Prozac & Stelazine in 1994 for a few years. 1200mg Amisulpride in 1998 for a year. 1999 to current time have maintained 200mg of Amisulpride & increased to 300mg a few years ago, with 2 stopping attempts in 2001 & 2003/4. i stopped all medications 5 times, for around 8 years in total, but the last 3 withdrawal/stopping attempts were disastrous. Am very unsure about stopping medication again. Have recently (in Winter 2018) had to increase the Amisulpride to 400mg. 

Healing Sanctuary - http://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/

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i do get very rattled by the anti-vaxxers on the internet. i normally keep very quiet as it's such an angry debate. my personal view is that even if i thought vaccines caused autism (which i don't), i would rather have a child with autism than a dead one. autism is not the terrible condition it is made out to be and i feel as if anti-vaxxers are saying that if you are autistic then  that is a terrible thing and your life is over. 

i haven't noticed the transphobic stuff though, or maybe i wasn't looking! 

Took prozac 40 mg for 20 years.

January 2017 started cutting down prozac by 12.5% a week. End of February 2017 completely off prozac and withdrawals began.

Currently taking Levothyroxine 75 mcg, Magnesium citrate 200mg,Sage leaf 50mg daily

Amlodipine: October 2017 , discontinued 26 Feb 2019; Candesartan:  26 Feb 2019, 4mg.

Discontinued magnesium citrate 200mg Apr 3rd 2019

Reinstated prozac:  14 Jan 2019, 1mg; 26 Jan, 1.5mg; 4 Feb, 2mg; 16 Feb, 2.5mg; 2 Mar, 3mg; 5 Mar, 2.5mg, 23 Mar, 3 mg; 6 Apr, 3.5mg, 14 Apr 4mg, 23 Apr 5mg, 10 Jul 8mg, 1 Dec 20mg, 1 Apr 2020 40mg 

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1 hour ago, cpuusage said:

"There’s been so many reasons and yeah a lack of intersectionality is one of them.

 

I just finished reading this book:

 

Disability Incarcerated Imprisonment and Disability in the United States and Canada

 

Lots of intersectionality. Starts off with a foreword by Angela Davis, the amazing Black activist and prison abolitionist. The book covers the problems of capitalism, ableism, racism, misogyny, and many other aspects of a very complicated and collapsing post-industrial society. The goal is to take away all carceral spaces and bring about a just and humane society. 

 

Thought this book might be of interest, if you haven't already read it. 

 

1 hour ago, cpuusage said:

The movement is dominated by white people, many of privileged backgrounds and provides jobs and social capital to people who fit neatly into one or two recovery narratives: “I came off my psych drugs and sat with my pain and found it transformative.” There’s nothing wrong with that narrative but other voices aren’t given space or a platform and are told to just go to NAMI."

 

You and your friend are right - there aren't places for people who are in these kinds of in-between spaces and a lot of movements like feminism, LGBTQ, and psychiatric survivors have been largely white movements and the narrative of the dangers of capitalism and mass incarceration have been left out, among other issues that the most marginalized in communities of color are dealing with. This is a tragedy of these movements. 

 

I'm glad you have a friend to correspond with who is giving you the kind of feedback you are seeking. 

 

As more information is getting out there, I think there will be more people who are on drugs and can't come off, but who are also aware of the dependency issues and are aware of the decaying society, especially in the light of the coming ecocide.  People becoming more aware of the dangers of capitalism and the violence of structural racism and misogyny. The book I just linked is being used in disability studies classes and it's a good sign that awareness of these intersectionalities is being studied and used to create new ways of handling our society's problems. The book lists a number of solutions, so it's a hopeful read. 

 

All we can do is make our lives as livable as possible on a day to day basis. If you have a roof over your head, a warm bed to sleep in, and food in your refrigerator, than you area already doing better than billions of people on the planet. Hold onto that reality. 

 

One thing that people who withdraw from these drugs have to our advantage is the concept of a "before and after". That is missing from your narrative and your friend's narrative. By having that "before and after" framework, we have a framework to gage where we are and set specific goals that we couldn't have done while going through withdrawal. This gives us purpose, which gives us hope. 

 

For people hooked into the NAMI narrative, their path is set for them. That organization is really for the families of people in the psych system, not for the people themselves. It's for people who take these drugs and are comfortable being told what to do and who to be.

 

You don't fit into that narrative and that's a good thing, CPU, it really is. Hold onto that reality. 

 

But getting hopeless because you don't fit into someone else's narrative can be destructive to your own mental health. Perhaps your goal might be to create a safe space for you, your friend that you quoted,  and make that space available to others, even if only on the internet. If you don't have a tribe, sometimes it's best to create one. 

 

For all of our differences, those of us that come off drugs are also faced with this during our re-build after being sick and isolated for so long. And believe me, my beliefs on anti-psychiatry didn't make me popular amongst the people from my prior-to-withdrawal life. So a new life with a new tribe has to be formed. 

 

But it's a process and not done overnight. If this is a purpose, than it brings hope. 

 

 

2 hours ago, cpuusage said:

 

Have you read any of Dr. Joanna Macy's writings on climate justice? She's one of my favorites. 

 

Joanna Macy on uncertainty video (3 minutes)

 

I'm more of a Dr. Macy fan than a Bill Mckibben fan when I'm looking for taking care of myself emotionally. If you're only reading the scientists' side and not looking toward the philosophers such as Dr. Macy, you're only feeding your fear. We simply don't know the future and we never have. 

 

And that's an important conversation within the environmental justice dialogue. 

 

On 4/8/2019 at 6:44 AM, cpuusage said:

Just had a telephone app with the GP. All my blood test results came back fine. 

 

i have been feeling slightly better on the whole. 

 

Waiting out for the psychologist in June. 

 

This is good news, CPU. I'm glad you're doing a bit better. 

 

 

 

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Thank you for the reply Shep. Yes that book looks good. i have read Macy's work & many others - i have currently collected over 1 thousand books, & have done a lot of reading & research, especially over the past 18 years. 

 

i don't see how this current global society / system / 'civilisation' is sustainable, Not without a complete transformation of it all. One of the main 'delusional' themes with my condition has been 'civilisation collapse'. 

 

i don't fit any of the camps within all these areas. i stopped all medication 5 times - spent 8 years in total free of medications after the 1st & 2nd hospitalisation, & fought the system from day one. Was in full time work for 8 years between hospitalisations & completed 7 years of further education. i also have a lot of experience with all the alternative healing areas. It all just got too much & i have been left disabled & with low functioning from everything that i have been through. 

 

i just want someone to genuinely listen to all my experience, perspectives & perceptions, without any judgements & projections, & without telling me how everything is & what to do & think etc. i am hoping for that with this psychologist who i am meant to be starting work with in June. 

 

i probably shouldn't have shared what my friend wrote - she is in a lot of pain & suffering. 

 

ideally i would love to be successfully free of the psychiatric medication, & free of tobacco & coffee & internet addiction, & a lot healthier all round & living a far fuller life. But at this stage of things i just don't see how it's possible & with hindsight don't see how it could have been possible with the severity of the condition, the realities of my life & circumstances & what i have had to deal with & been up against. This has always been the problem & an endless catch 22 / double bind. i have always felt that i have needed far more in the way of appropriate, practical & comprehensive understanding, help & support - But it has not been there & is not there in ways that are more appropriate for the difficulties, realities & circumstances that i have & am dealing with. i have tried & try my best & simply can't do it all largely with only 'self help'. 

 

Some people get lucky - i'm sorry but in most cases of the success stories i think that there has been far milder illness, better life circumstances, less problems. & far more understanding, help & support - more privilege, resources & money. There are very real reasons as to why some people get more well / have a far fuller recovery & that others don't, & i don't agree with all the blaming & shaming in it all with people who are less successful within all these areas. i am in the UK as well, Not the USA. Things are ***** up in the UK in slightly different ways, although there are commonalities of problems within society. 

 

i agree with the letter from the psychiatrist - there simply has been & is a long term severe mental illness / severe schizophrenia, that i currently need the medication to help manage. 

 



 

 

 

 

 

Various psychiatric drug treatments since 1990. Prozac & Stelazine in 1994 for a few years. 1200mg Amisulpride in 1998 for a year. 1999 to current time have maintained 200mg of Amisulpride & increased to 300mg a few years ago, with 2 stopping attempts in 2001 & 2003/4. i stopped all medications 5 times, for around 8 years in total, but the last 3 withdrawal/stopping attempts were disastrous. Am very unsure about stopping medication again. Have recently (in Winter 2018) had to increase the Amisulpride to 400mg. 

Healing Sanctuary - http://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/

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  • ChessieCat changed the title to cpuusage: history and experiences
  • 3 months later...

Same ongoing struggles & difficulties. 

i am totally sick of the anti / pro psychiatry / pharma war. 

Have started work with a very good psychologist - so am hoping longer term that will be a help. 

Various psychiatric drug treatments since 1990. Prozac & Stelazine in 1994 for a few years. 1200mg Amisulpride in 1998 for a year. 1999 to current time have maintained 200mg of Amisulpride & increased to 300mg a few years ago, with 2 stopping attempts in 2001 & 2003/4. i stopped all medications 5 times, for around 8 years in total, but the last 3 withdrawal/stopping attempts were disastrous. Am very unsure about stopping medication again. Have recently (in Winter 2018) had to increase the Amisulpride to 400mg. 

Healing Sanctuary - http://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/

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  • 8 months later...

Hi all. i have been feeling a bit better on the whole. Less anxiety. i'm taking an integrative project further, i will post some of the details below. 

Various psychiatric drug treatments since 1990. Prozac & Stelazine in 1994 for a few years. 1200mg Amisulpride in 1998 for a year. 1999 to current time have maintained 200mg of Amisulpride & increased to 300mg a few years ago, with 2 stopping attempts in 2001 & 2003/4. i stopped all medications 5 times, for around 8 years in total, but the last 3 withdrawal/stopping attempts were disastrous. Am very unsure about stopping medication again. Have recently (in Winter 2018) had to increase the Amisulpride to 400mg. 

Healing Sanctuary - http://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/

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i have been sending this letter off to different people / organisations -

The Wellness Community & Healing Sanctuary

Dear whomever it may concern. i have written to you before about all this. Here is an update.

i am a mental health service user who is trying to improve understandings & treatments of the mentally ill, & all associated areas.

i live in the Bournemouth / Dorset area.

i am trying to get as many people involved in this project as possible.

i am working with a health professional in this regard & others - this is what the health professional i am working with his put forward -

The Wellness Community -

The aim of this group is to realise a vision of an different way of supporting people in mental and emotional distress, whilst at the same time, offering a challenge and an alternative to the current way we live, work and organize ourselves.

It has come about through years of research, deep introspection and analysis of the structures within society and the combined experiences of the two founder members; one a mental health sufferer and the other, a mental health professional. Both who feel deeply disappointed with the current, myopic, reductionist view and delivery of mental health services within the context of harmful neoliberal politics.

We hope the group will attract people from all backgrounds with the ambition of developing a sustainable, conscious minded, therapeutic community.

____________________________________________________________________

I've been developing an idea with someone I've been chatting to through Facebook for years. See if it sounds plausible and if you'd be interested. The idea would initially be to set up a group chat of interested parties to further discuss and develop the ideas. Please indicate your interest and we will add your name to the group.

For many years, I, and many of you, have been deeply dissatisfied with the direction of politics. The way all systems (monetary, education, health and social, employment etc) are designed and delivered in an almost imperceptible way to maintain the status quo of the neoliberal agenda with little regard for the health and wellbeing of the population and the environment. Minimum regulation where the markets are self maintaining. Big tax give aways and loopholes for the multi national corporations and mega rich, a massive widening of the 'haves and the have nots', vast inequality and severe cuts aimed at the most vulnerable in society, and on and on. These policies have been linked to over a hundred thousand deaths and suicides.

Its a dysfunctional world, in which it seems that the media is involved in mass manipulation of the public in order to continue these cruel policies, divide the people and create scapegoats and hatred (see below post - manufacturing consent).

This sickness, I believe, is ultimately bad for the mental health of the population. Especially of those born into poverty with all the difficulties and complications that brings. We are also very aware of the negative impact of these politics on the environment.

The current mental health system, although full of well meaning staff, I believe is also falling very short, with a huge reliance on medication as the sole or main form of treatment. Years of underfunding in mental health has led to many people unable even to access services, being left to fend for themselves, with many untimely deaths and suicides. A resource drain within the health system not only has lead to far from perfect care and treatment, but also to unsustainable levels of stress on its workforce, with staff themselves frequently becoming ill.

Service user forums also feel very dissatisfied with the limitations of services, and once they are out of the services, they are thrown back into this very unforgiving society which more often than not, leads to unhealthy life styles, social and financial difficulties and way too frequently, readmission.

Some years ago, I got chatting to someone online through a mutual appreciation of social media posts. This gentleman (Paul) soon and very honestly revealed himself to be a lifelong sufferer of severe and enduring schizophrenia ; though due to his obvious high level of functioning, has been able to remain out of hospitals for the most part of his illness.

This relationship developed and we shared our very similar dissatisfactions as discussed above. Paul is highly intelligent and had created an encyclopedic online resource called, The Healing Sanctuary (see previous posts) which is a forum, online space and resource sharing site. Within are detailed extremely progressive aims and values which we would hope you subscribe to.

More recently, we have been discussing a desire to realise his vision into a physical reality; to establish a new, truly holistic mental health service that integrates many of the available approaches; hard and soft sciences, to deliver a service that would be a combination of professional and peer staff and that would also attempt to involve the local communities.

However, the dilemma of how to fund such an ambitious service was always a stumbling block.

Due to the wider range of available treatment forms and activities that we aim to offer, the expertise, skills and knowledge required, would no doubt contribute to unsustainable staffing costs. But then if we also consider our dissatisfaction with society generally, and its negative impact on people's health, the obvious answer seems to lie in the foundation of a non profit community, where everyone contributes to the development, design, delivery and maintenance of as self sustaining a therapeutic community as is possible.

Such an ambition is going to require the buy in, belief, drive and commitment of many like minded and skilled people, which is the reason you are receiving this group invite. Paul and I would be very happy for you to share this with others that you are confident, would also be interested.

There needs to be a wide discussion to solidify and give meat to the substantial bones of this proposal. Many skill sets will be required for both the realisation of this project and the general, day to day maintenance the community, as well as the delivery of the service so we do need to attract as many people from wide ranging disciplines as possible. All kinds of skills would be needed ; cooks, horticulturalists, artists, musicians, builders, mental health professionals and carers, technicians and on and on. Significant funding efforts would need to be made for its establishment.

If you don't think this is for you, then feel free to leave the group, or just stay and contribute as much as you want. All thoughts and opinions are invited.
Please feel free to add /share posts which would be useful to these aims.

My project / forum is here

Healing Sanctuary

https://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/

Project Plan -

https://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/thread/57/project-plan

Here is my personal 'ideal' vision of things - A fully integrated / integral model - Holistic, Integrated View of Mental Health

https://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/thread/259/holistic-integrated-view-mental-health

Comprehensive community approaches to mental illness

https://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/thread/3756/comprehensive-community-approaches-mental-illness

5 point Plan / Vision - Intimations of a Collective Evolution to a Better World

https://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/thread/1330/intimations-collective-evolution-world?page=1

Yours sincerely

Various psychiatric drug treatments since 1990. Prozac & Stelazine in 1994 for a few years. 1200mg Amisulpride in 1998 for a year. 1999 to current time have maintained 200mg of Amisulpride & increased to 300mg a few years ago, with 2 stopping attempts in 2001 & 2003/4. i stopped all medications 5 times, for around 8 years in total, but the last 3 withdrawal/stopping attempts were disastrous. Am very unsure about stopping medication again. Have recently (in Winter 2018) had to increase the Amisulpride to 400mg. 

Healing Sanctuary - http://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/

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Hi cpuusage,

 

Just to let you know the link to healingsanctuary.proboards.com doesn't work for me.

 

So if I understand correctly from your letter, the project is about building a local community? This seems to me as a brave initiative, congratulations!

 

In the end of 2015, got into a few days of psychosis and got an outpatient appointment with a psychiatrist, a diagnosis of schizo-affective disorder and a 2 month treatment with Risperidone. At the current point in time, my doctor is not convinced anymore in the diagnosis, rather points out depression and anxiety as my main condition, but I'm still taking Abilify as prevention therapy.

  • 2016 - 7.5 mg Abilify; 2017 - 2018 - 2 mg; April 2019 - May 2020 - 5 mg; June - December 2020 - 4.5 - 2.3 mg (-10% / month)

-> early 2021 - upped a little bit because of a depressive episode and insomnia

  • March 2021 to Jan 2022 - down to 0.7 mg

-> Feb 2023 - another depression+insomnia episode, so up again; added vit. B3, melatonin, L-tryptophan and split the Abilify dose in two

  • May 2022 to Nov 2022 - 2 mg down to 0.75 mg

-> middle of January 2023 - insomnia kicked in, some derealizations too; so up to:

  • Jan-April - 1 mg Abilify up to 1.5 mg; added Quetiapin 6 mg for a month, then down to 0 mg

Current: staying at 0.5 mg Abilify to stabilize

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3 hours ago, Nocturna said:

Hi cpuusage,

 

Just to let you know the link to healingsanctuary.proboards.com doesn't work for me.

 

So if I understand correctly from your letter, the project is about building a local community? This seems to me as a brave initiative, congratulations!

 

 

Hi, thanks. if you Google healing sanctuary forum - the site should come up - 

https://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/

The Project Plan is here - 

https://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/thread/57/project-plan

Yes, we are looking to get as many people involved as possible. 

Various psychiatric drug treatments since 1990. Prozac & Stelazine in 1994 for a few years. 1200mg Amisulpride in 1998 for a year. 1999 to current time have maintained 200mg of Amisulpride & increased to 300mg a few years ago, with 2 stopping attempts in 2001 & 2003/4. i stopped all medications 5 times, for around 8 years in total, but the last 3 withdrawal/stopping attempts were disastrous. Am very unsure about stopping medication again. Have recently (in Winter 2018) had to increase the Amisulpride to 400mg. 

Healing Sanctuary - http://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 4/25/2020 at 12:54 PM, cpuusage said:

Yes, we are looking to get as many people involved as possible. 

Thank you, googling the name has worked! The forum seems interesting indeed, but TBH I don't like the idea of all external links that I click being followed through this VigLink network. I couldn't find the motivation for this type of monetisation in the project plan.

In the end of 2015, got into a few days of psychosis and got an outpatient appointment with a psychiatrist, a diagnosis of schizo-affective disorder and a 2 month treatment with Risperidone. At the current point in time, my doctor is not convinced anymore in the diagnosis, rather points out depression and anxiety as my main condition, but I'm still taking Abilify as prevention therapy.

  • 2016 - 7.5 mg Abilify; 2017 - 2018 - 2 mg; April 2019 - May 2020 - 5 mg; June - December 2020 - 4.5 - 2.3 mg (-10% / month)

-> early 2021 - upped a little bit because of a depressive episode and insomnia

  • March 2021 to Jan 2022 - down to 0.7 mg

-> Feb 2023 - another depression+insomnia episode, so up again; added vit. B3, melatonin, L-tryptophan and split the Abilify dose in two

  • May 2022 to Nov 2022 - 2 mg down to 0.75 mg

-> middle of January 2023 - insomnia kicked in, some derealizations too; so up to:

  • Jan-April - 1 mg Abilify up to 1.5 mg; added Quetiapin 6 mg for a month, then down to 0 mg

Current: staying at 0.5 mg Abilify to stabilize

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7 hours ago, Nocturna said:

Thank you, googling the name has worked! The forum seems interesting indeed, but TBH I don't like the idea of all external links that I click being followed through this VigLink network. I couldn't find the motivation for this type of monetisation in the project plan.

 

i use an ad blocker. It's a free forum host - i can't do anything about the ads. 

i tend to think as well regarding how controversial, fragmented, divisive, polarized & political all these mental health areas are, we are looking at a very long time before there is a far more unified model & approach to all these areas. 

 

 

 

 

 

Various psychiatric drug treatments since 1990. Prozac & Stelazine in 1994 for a few years. 1200mg Amisulpride in 1998 for a year. 1999 to current time have maintained 200mg of Amisulpride & increased to 300mg a few years ago, with 2 stopping attempts in 2001 & 2003/4. i stopped all medications 5 times, for around 8 years in total, but the last 3 withdrawal/stopping attempts were disastrous. Am very unsure about stopping medication again. Have recently (in Winter 2018) had to increase the Amisulpride to 400mg. 

Healing Sanctuary - http://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/

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Oh, I see about the ads. Will re-think and maybe register then, I find your experience with psychosis really valuable! :)

In the end of 2015, got into a few days of psychosis and got an outpatient appointment with a psychiatrist, a diagnosis of schizo-affective disorder and a 2 month treatment with Risperidone. At the current point in time, my doctor is not convinced anymore in the diagnosis, rather points out depression and anxiety as my main condition, but I'm still taking Abilify as prevention therapy.

  • 2016 - 7.5 mg Abilify; 2017 - 2018 - 2 mg; April 2019 - May 2020 - 5 mg; June - December 2020 - 4.5 - 2.3 mg (-10% / month)

-> early 2021 - upped a little bit because of a depressive episode and insomnia

  • March 2021 to Jan 2022 - down to 0.7 mg

-> Feb 2023 - another depression+insomnia episode, so up again; added vit. B3, melatonin, L-tryptophan and split the Abilify dose in two

  • May 2022 to Nov 2022 - 2 mg down to 0.75 mg

-> middle of January 2023 - insomnia kicked in, some derealizations too; so up to:

  • Jan-April - 1 mg Abilify up to 1.5 mg; added Quetiapin 6 mg for a month, then down to 0 mg

Current: staying at 0.5 mg Abilify to stabilize

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18 minutes ago, Nocturna said:

Oh, I see about the ads. Will re-think and maybe register then, I find your experience with psychosis really valuable! :)

 

Thanks. i would love to be able to transfer the project to a professionally run & busy add free forum; however there is only so much i can do as one person, & there hasn't been a lot of overall interest in the project. 

 

i'm personally fed up of a lot of the mental health argument / debate, it seems to be such a highly divisive, emotive, political & polarised area. i reached my own working conclusions on it all, accept the schizophrenia diagnosis & take the pills, as the lesser of evils. i don't see the point in discussing it all as much on this (& other) forums. The society / system is the way it is. 

 

 

Various psychiatric drug treatments since 1990. Prozac & Stelazine in 1994 for a few years. 1200mg Amisulpride in 1998 for a year. 1999 to current time have maintained 200mg of Amisulpride & increased to 300mg a few years ago, with 2 stopping attempts in 2001 & 2003/4. i stopped all medications 5 times, for around 8 years in total, but the last 3 withdrawal/stopping attempts were disastrous. Am very unsure about stopping medication again. Have recently (in Winter 2018) had to increase the Amisulpride to 400mg. 

Healing Sanctuary - http://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/

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TBH I'm not so interested in discussing the mental health topic from the political side. For me personally it's valuable to be able to hear from other people who had similar experiences (I also accept my diagnosis and keep taking the pills, as it's far better than being delusional and unable to do what I love). And on the practical side of things, it's useful to share and read how other people are coping with the menu of side effects those meds come with.

 

In the end of 2015, got into a few days of psychosis and got an outpatient appointment with a psychiatrist, a diagnosis of schizo-affective disorder and a 2 month treatment with Risperidone. At the current point in time, my doctor is not convinced anymore in the diagnosis, rather points out depression and anxiety as my main condition, but I'm still taking Abilify as prevention therapy.

  • 2016 - 7.5 mg Abilify; 2017 - 2018 - 2 mg; April 2019 - May 2020 - 5 mg; June - December 2020 - 4.5 - 2.3 mg (-10% / month)

-> early 2021 - upped a little bit because of a depressive episode and insomnia

  • March 2021 to Jan 2022 - down to 0.7 mg

-> Feb 2023 - another depression+insomnia episode, so up again; added vit. B3, melatonin, L-tryptophan and split the Abilify dose in two

  • May 2022 to Nov 2022 - 2 mg down to 0.75 mg

-> middle of January 2023 - insomnia kicked in, some derealizations too; so up to:

  • Jan-April - 1 mg Abilify up to 1.5 mg; added Quetiapin 6 mg for a month, then down to 0 mg

Current: staying at 0.5 mg Abilify to stabilize

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2 hours ago, Nocturna said:

TBH I'm not so interested in discussing the mental health topic from the political side. For me personally it's valuable to be able to hear from other people who had similar experiences (I also accept my diagnosis and keep taking the pills, as it's far better than being delusional and unable to do what I love). And on the practical side of things, it's useful to share and read how other people are coping with the menu of side effects those meds come with.

 

 

The problem is, as far as getting better treatment, especially for severe psychosis / schizophrenia, is that nothing changes, & it is very much socioeconomic / political. 

i have spent 30 years looking for more identification with some of my own experiences - however i don't think that we can categorically know what other people really subjectively experience. 

 

i can't function properly in this society / system. 

Various psychiatric drug treatments since 1990. Prozac & Stelazine in 1994 for a few years. 1200mg Amisulpride in 1998 for a year. 1999 to current time have maintained 200mg of Amisulpride & increased to 300mg a few years ago, with 2 stopping attempts in 2001 & 2003/4. i stopped all medications 5 times, for around 8 years in total, but the last 3 withdrawal/stopping attempts were disastrous. Am very unsure about stopping medication again. Have recently (in Winter 2018) had to increase the Amisulpride to 400mg. 

Healing Sanctuary - http://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/

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  • 1 year later...
  • Moderator

Hi @cpuusage.  I'd not come across your thread before.

 

I'm sorry to hear you've been through such a rotten experience.

 

It sounds like each time you try and get off the prescriptions, you CT'd a few times which will pretty much guarantee what will get called an episode.

 

You also mentioned feeling strongly that your underlying issues require a deft psychologist who understands what you've been through, and not found that support.

 

I was stuck on these rotten chemicals for 18 years and thrown into the bin as broken by family, but forced to go out and sing for my supper in the workplace anyway.

 

What got called psychosis in my case was brought on by considerable amounts of street drugs, particularly psychedelics.  I intuited that those could help release what needed out, though I wasn't grounded or educated enough to do that safely, and alcohol etc just for self medicating anxiety.

 

It's abundantly clear to me now that this was significant unresolved childhood trauma emerging that was more than I could deal with at the time.  Some of my friends got the general idea but my family lost their s**t.  

 

 

 

^ Trauma and Psychosis by Larkin et al - well worth reading and sharing.  Links the evidence to show massive correlations between adverse childhood experiences and later psychosis.

 

You can read more in my intro thread if you want about this para.  I eventually got force drugged by the sadistic psychiatrist my mother dragged me along to.  There was gaslighting on her part, no physical exam was done on me despite obviously being undernourished, and my reports of being sexually assaulted and stalked were discounted or dismissed as delusional.  As it turned out, I have witnesses for those events which changes things now, many years later.  (More bloody homework, but turning this all back on its head is worth the effort.)

 

I have long practiced yoga and meditation.  A few years ago after a remedial massage, something in my somatic memory was released and some very disturbing imagery from childhood came up.  For the first time I thought "wow, I need a pro to work with this stuff".  I went and found a clinical psychologist who was very helpful and things began to improve.  Being able to share this muck without being blamed, shamed or judged is valuable in itself.  

 

When that psychologist moved onto another practice, I found a trauma informed clinical psychologist who specialises in the bits psychiatrists often bugger up - i.e the kind of things that you and I would have had to suffer.

 

Within a couple of weeks we had started doing EMDR, despite my initial anxiety that we mightn't be able to find the 'splinter', after a few sessions we did, and suddenly I was grounded, no longer dissociating, cognition and emotion became always congruent, and mental 'noise' went down to less than a tenth of what it had been.  Angry, and mass upheaval, yes.  But back on the planet, if you like.

 

I am still working on my healing with that therapist, but once that had been resolved, I knew I could complete my taper safely without worrying about subconscious problems, because we were already resolving them, and could do so with any more that come up.

 

Shep is wise to say don't focus on your diagnosis.  Mine was browbeaten into me and I believed I could never get off the drugs for a long time.  But that is all history now, and my previous misdiagnosis is confirmed as such.  Now I am mopping up Complex PTSD, which is at least largely recoverable and I've not found it stigmatising.

 

If there's one book that you will want to read here, I would recommend https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Body_Keeps_the_Score by Bessel Van der Kolk.  My impression is that a therapist who works with this material could be worth your time.  I hope you can find one you get along with.

 

Cheers

Hayduke

 

I am not a health professional - your actions are your own.  

Please do not seek tapering support via private message - "Any reason to hold is a good one"

My taper visualised as a graph   |   My intro thread

Backdrop:  2003 10mg olanzapine | 2004 2-3mg risperidone | end 2014 3wks aripiprazole

2015: olanzapine  10 -> 7½ -> 6⅔ -> 5mg  by crude pill cutter

2018:  Mar 5.00mg -> water titrated taper -> Aug2.5mg tablet and hold

Jan 2019 2.50mg water titration -> Jan 2020 1.214  -> Jan 2021 0.44 -> 2 Oct 0.205 ->3 Oct ZERO🥂

Jun 2023 💉150mg paliperidone "loading" depot shot, 100mg 1wk after Jul 100mg Aug-Dec 75mg/4wks

Jul 2023 2.50mg aripiprazole/day attempt to lower prolactin^

Jan-Feb 2024 cross taper off shots to 1mg risperidone

 

Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country did to you"  -- KMFDM

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