Long post i have to get this out.

[Effeffexor]

I'm all alone in this. I feel like no one here understands. I can't tell my husband. I have no friends. Well.. I have a lot of people my husband says are my friends but lets face it.. if I called any of them they would wonder why in heck i was calling. That's not a friend. Everyone Im around are happy little Stepford wives. And then there is me. I walk around like them.. making myself pretty and putting on a smile but inside I am dying. All day everyday all i hear is "all the OTHER wives can manage keeping up the house" "All the OTHER wives are happy" "None of the REST of our friends have any problem understanding me"

I cut his hair last night as he was watching football. Its been over a year and a half since we had sex. He has a rather high libido but he does porn instead. He says its not because im ugly. He says its not sexual. As I move around him cutting him hair I hear him sigh as the cord gets in the way of the screeen and he flaps it back. I think to myself how he is probably comparing me to the girls at the salon.. how their perfume and their touch must turn him on. One time he came home and told me how she told him what she looks like naked.. exactly what it.. looked like. He was beaming. I try to steady my hand and I know Im taking too long to cut it. She could do it faster. He thinks im an idiot. I try to hurry but I want it to look nice. I want to ask for sex but Ive given up. There simply are no more tears. And as I type this I find im lying.

Why does he beg me to stay when I try to go? What is in it for him? I don't work. We don't have sex. We don't even have that good of a friendship. Its more like a father daughter relationship really. Days filled with him giving me advice, getting after me, teasing me and kissing my nose. He will playfully spank my butt but go no further. There is a barrier there. One he does not cross. One Im told not to.

He tells me I have to stay on the meds. That our relationship problems are because of me. He has an amazing job. (Think Mad Men) He is so popular. Everyone adores him. Everyone looks at us like we are the IT couple. People want to be us, he says. I think people want to be him. I don't see what they see in me. I should be happy, he says. Maybe I should be. I feel incredibly guilty. We go out for an expensive meal.. and he judges each wine carefully. I sit there with guilt. I try to eat but in my head swarms so many things.. looking at him compare the wines.. as he compares me. Wondering if what I am eating will make me fat. Wondering if my makeup is creasing under my eyes and when he is going to trade me in. Telling myself that its ok to eat this.. even though he has spent more on wine than my parents would for a day's worth of food. I've tried to give them money. God how it helps if they just could take it. I think my mom thought I was just saying it made me feel better. I NEED them to take it. I need the guilt gone.

I sit there trying to chew as he is talking to me and trying to make me see his point. I know he wishes I would get it. I think he really thinks inside that if I just could understand.. then maybe I could change my life. He really doesn't see how hard I try, how I beg God every night. I want.. more than anything.. to be what he wants. I don't know how.

I've come to realize something. I will never have sex again. Im not even 40 and I will never have it again.

Somehow that is not the worst thing in my life. Not even close. My dad is schizophrenic. I was raped when I was 5 for over a year. My son is autistic. My husband is a genius. (Think that is a good thing? Try being married to a genius. You will constantly feel like absolute crap) I have no friends. Which one is worse I wonder. And yet as I type this my tears have dried and I am back to numbness. These are just facts. I am now thinking about starbucks and how to get through today. How to act like its all okay and somehow.. convince him that I can be a stepford wife too.

[herewego]

I am so sorry for what you are going thru and have gone thru when you were younger. It sounds like your husband has a porn addiction and has traded in real relationships for fake (porn) and is more concerned about image than reality. It also sounds like you need some real and safe connections in your life. I wouldn't try to connect with 'stepford' wives if I were you. But you might consider a counselor with a really good reputation and possibly a confidential support group to help you thru where you are at now and connect with others. There are two books I would recommend for you too that really helped me understand myself and relationship dynamics - how to heal where I had been hurt in the past (which was affecting how I related to others in the present) and how to establish healthy relationships in the present. They are "Boundaries: When to say yes, When to say no to take control of your life." and "Boundaries Face to Face: How to have that difficult conversation you've been avoiding." If you are going to chose only one choose the first one as it explains boundary injuries and how it affects the present. The second one I think is the nitty gritty when you are ready to confront someone who has unhealthy habits. I would not recommend attempting confronting someone until you have worked on your own past and present and know yourself and your own boundary issues first. These books are by Dr. Henry Cloud an Dr. John Townsend. They are Christian but if you are not Christian you can ignore that part - they are very applicable to life circumstances and the principles of these books are used by secular mental health experts as well. I hope you find genuine connections soon. All the best.