Serenity: In need of urgent help

[Serenity]

Hello all, 

 

I started Lexapro in November, 2012 after a 2 month sleep crisis and, as a result, long anxiety attacks for many day (no drugs or psych illness history prior to that). Have been taking 10 mg, and had no side effects, felt rather well.

 

I decided to stop the pills this June (my NP said I could stop any time I wanted; of course, I did not find this site prior to doing so). I took 5 mg for probably 15 days, felt no difference at all, and stopped all together around June 20th. Was feeling okay up until August 20th when I stopped sleeping all together, and in 3 days started having severe suicidal thoughts.

 

I was able to see a psychiatrist on campus (I do not have a GP as I am a foreign student) on August 25th, and she put me back on 10 mg Lexapro and 0.5-1 mg Klonopin. Well, when I took the pills at those doses my anxiety got even worse (I could not imagine it was possible). But then I did not know that I should have started reinstating with 1 mg (read it on SA later). Of course, I did not sleep. I felt crazy and panicky, had non-stop anxiety attacks, did some completely irrational things.

 

On August 30th, I went back on campus to see another psychiatrist. This one seemed to be much more pleasant, less judgmental, understanding and open to what I had to say. Well, he said to decrease Lexapro to 5 mg (just for 2 weeks to decrease the side effects), and gave me Trazodone (50 mg calling it a baby dose). I didn't read on it back then (my doctor said it was non-habit forming and it was enough for me to relax and not do my research), and it seemed to help somewhat at first. I still would get very broken sleep (10/10:30 pm - 3:30 am, then up every 20/40 mins, listen to a meditation YouTube video, then dose off for 30 mins, and that would happen until around 5/6 am). However, I felt slightly better, especially compared to the peak of the crisis on August 20-30, so I figured I was healing. Little did I know. My sleep kept being very broken on Trazodone.

 

About 2 weeks ago I started looking it up, saw all the disastrous info on it on SA (I know how much Alto despises it) and other websites and completely freaked out. It might somehow contributed to the drug's having stopped working as a sleeping aid all together. Now its 10/2/2016, I have barely slept since 8/20/2016, I'm on 5 mg of Lexapro and 25 mg of Trazodone (went down from 50 mg on 9/25/16 - did not notice any difference), and I am nowhere close to stabilizing. The symptoms I have are terrible insomnia, severe anxiety, fatigue, desperation, and terrible dark thoughts.I do not think I can take it any longer.

 

I really want to get off Trazodone (I know you saying 10% off every 2-3 months, but I'm pretty sure I won't be able to pull it off). I am absolutely alone in country (I don't have family, have some friends but no one even remotely close to talk about AD's withdrawal, reinstating, stabilizing and all that). 

 

Should I keep 5 mg Lex in hope to stabilize? Again, one of the reasons I do not want to increase it as it'll be easier to taper from 5mg. Can I rely on it for sleep when it finally starts working? Can I quit Trazodone? [Also, from Traz I have really nasty palm sweats.. Anything I touch with my hands gets soaking wet instantly.. ] I hate the idea of any psych drugs, but Trazodone appears to be my worst enemy as it's been added so recently, so harmful and does not help.  I've been on it for only 30 days now, I still barely sleep and am terrified and desperate. I wanted to switch Traz to Remeron (7.5 mg) 2 weeks ago but freaked out (due to the other people's reviews on how it affects appetite, hormones, weight gain, etc.). Can I do it now? I know that keeping switching pills is the worst one can do but since 50 mg of Traz did not help anyway.. And if I stabilize on Remeron, it'd much easier to taper from 7.5 mg vs. 25 mg of Traz. 

 

You all talk a lot about meditation, mindfulness, yoga, healthy eating. I was doing most of it while being on Lex and feeling well, but now I just can't anymore. I need to feel better to get back to any of those tools. I am an absolute mess right now. Please, advise. I really don't have anyone else to turn to.

Edited October 3, 2016 by scallywag
Added extra paragraphs(KarenB); tags added (scallywag)

[KarenB]

Hello Serenity (lovely name btw),

 

Sounds like things have gotten pretty rough for you there, but you've landed in the right place.  It's good you've done some reading, but please remember that panicking doesn't usually help.  It's also good to remember that the 'good' or success stories usually aren't written online because those people just get on with life.  So you've probably read lots of negative stories, but these aren't the whole picture.  With some good information and a little support you can put a plan together, and gradually you'll find that you are slowly stabilising. 

 

All of those symptoms are classic w/d symptoms, caused by the various changes in dose and drug.  You can read about Early morning waking with anxiety

and other symptoms too, find some ideas for managing them.  Non-Drug Techniques to cope with emotional symptoms.

 

For now, it's best not to make any further dose or drug changes until a more experienced mod has a look at your thread.  In the mean time, you could take Fish oil and Magnesium.   Keeping things simple is your best bet:  Keep it Simple; Keep it Slow; Keep it Stable

 

Have a read of those and then you can come back to this thread to discuss things further.  This can be your journal to record your tapering and healing progress, and to ask questions. 

 

Welcome to SA,

Karen

[Serenity]

Dear Karen, 

 

Thank you for your response and for the links. I think I've been through every single link on this website many times over the last 4 weeks. I'm taking Calm Magnesium at night time (1 table spoon), probiotics and fish oil. 

 

Yes, all I feel now is panic, fear and desperation. Woke up at 4 am again with severe anxiety attacks (was not able to get up from bed until 7:30). And now I'm feeling cold too. Not flu-like symptoms just yet, but kind of shaky from inside. Wearing winter coat, and it's 61 degree here..

 

I am dying to stabilize, but the things seem to only get worse. I know, I'm in the very beginning of this road, but I have no idea how people live with this. I hate to get all negative, but it definitely takes a super-person to get through it. I just can't stop thinking about the psych pills: with all the harm, how can they still be around? Causing so much misery and despair. Yeah, I remember saying that I do not want to get all negative - I wonder what has happened to this thought...

 

Please, ignore my negative comments and focus on the positive things when addressing my post (like you, Karen, did in your post!) I really need it now.

 

Thank you all, 

 

Serenity

[AliG]

Hi Serenity. Welcome from me too.    So sorry that you're in this predicament.  I remember how it felt when I " landed " here. The great thing is that you are in a place of support and understanding.

We can all get negative at times but it helps to have a support system . You couldn't do better than here.

 

Have a read of the links and then come back with any other questions you may have. 

 

You will get through this. It's tough at times , but doable.You will get there.

Ali

[Serenity]

Hello Ali, 

 

Thank you very much for your kind words. I really needed to hear that. 

[ChessieCat]

Hi Serenity,

 

I agree with what Ali has said.  Many members have felt similar to the way you do at the moment, but with support and suggestions here at SA and some work by you, you can start to feel an improvement.  It may not happen overnight, but if you chip away at it you will gradually make progress.  Because progress may be slow and/or you can't feel or see the progress, keeping a diary of some sort or Rate Symptoms Daily to Check Patterns and Progress can be helpful because you can look back and see how far you have come.

 

Learning non-drug coping techniques, as suggested by Karen, can be very helpful and make a big difference.  Here are some more links with some ideas:

 

1. Acceptance
2. Acceptance and Mindfulness
3. Claire Weekes' Method of Recovering from a Sensitized Nervous System
4. Yoga for calming (very simple poses can help greatly)
5. "Change the channel" -- dealing with cognitive symptoms
6. Change cognitive framing - Redirect - Another Way
7. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) for anxiety, depression
8. Cognitive Behavior Therapy lessons

[Serenity]

Hello ChessieCat,

 

Thank you for the links again - I have to force myself to work on them. Seems less than possible at this stage. But again, if it's the only way out..

 

I have a question though: since I'm not tapering but reinstating instead after introducing a new drug on top of her old one, are the symptoms still the same as with tapering? Is it normal that I feel better one day and worse the other? I do have tons of stress in life, and it's not likely to go anywhere any time soon. Today have been feeling the worst in the last 25 days.. Maybe sleeplessness is catching up with me, and yet I can't sleep. Tried to nap, got crazy panic like feeling, I vendors though just for a few secs.

 

Another question, very important: what do I with the dosage? 5 Lex, 25 Traz. My doc will definitely want me to increase this week (he thinks I've already done so once). Please, advice.

[ChessieCat]

Please put the drugs you are currently taking into Drug Interactions Checker and copy and paste the results back here.

 

I also suggest you have a read of the following.  I particularly like what one member said about wanting to be on the lowest possible dose, even though they planned to get off the drug completely.  It is your decision whether you increase your dose, not the doctor.  Many members here have followed the advice of their doctors and ended up on high doses and/or cocktails of drugs.  Find out as much as you can so you can make an informed decision.  

 

What should I expect from my doctor about withdrawal symptoms?

How do you talk to a doctor about tapering and withdrawal?

[Serenity]

ChessieCat,

 

Since both my drugs are ADs, the drug interraction checker says: Major (due to the risk of the serotonin syndrom). However, it's not my biggest concern at the moment. The question is: after a month do I hold as there's a chance to stabilize on this dose (as there probably is), or do I increase? I think SA members usually say that if they don't reinstate at lower doser, they are unlikely reinstate at the higher ones. Also, is it normal to feel better one day and worse the other when trying to reinstate? (sorry for repeating myself)

 

Thank you very much.

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Serenity.

 

Thank you for describing your sleep pattern. What times of day do you take Lexapro and trazodone? Are you still taking Klonopin?

 

What is your symptom pattern during the day? Do your hands get sweaty at a particular time?

 

It's unlikely you'll get serotonin syndrome from the low dosages you're taking of Lexapro and trazodone, but it is possible you are experiencing a side effect of trazodone. Let's see if we can unravel this.

 

If I were you, I would stick to 5mg Lexapro for now. Yes, you can stabilize on it. It may take some time. You've had other drug changes.

[Serenity]

Dear Alto,

Thank you for your message and help.

I take Lex at around 8 am and Traz at around 11 pm. No, I'm not taking Klonopin (took it for 4 days only in the very begginning of this).

I get really sweaty palms all day long. Especially, when typing/touching a mouse (that's when I notice "puddles" the most).

You're right: I started with 10 mg Lex, then brought it down to 5 mg in 5 days, then some Klonopin, then Traz (50 mg, 25 mg)... So yeah, it is a lot of jumping around with doses and pills. I wish I only knew back then.

Do you still think it's possible to stabilize on any dose after all this changes (I know you already answered, but really need to hear it again!) So scared and uncertain of everything here.. Again, I feel like I had some improvements, and now (today) it feels much worse. I think my thoughts might be playing a big role in this. But what kind of thoughts can I possibly have after discovering what those pills have done to me and what I am about to encounter? I read about changing channels, CBT (was advised "thought record" by a therapist who does not believe in AD withdrawals, what thoughts can I discuss with him?), mindfulness (this thing just scares a thing out of me: observing my current thoughts is the worst that I can do to myself).. 

 

Oh, I do hate to sound like such a drama queen, but I've never felt that terrified and hopeless. 

[ChessieCat]

My daughter made a suggestion to me recently about "checking in with myself" to see how I was.  She was concerned about how I was going to cope after the loss of my 14 year old dog.  Because I knew that I would probably forget and sometimes things creep up slowly and then all of a sudden I am in a bad state, I set a timer for an hour during the morning (and it became easier to do it without the timer in the afternoon) just so I could be reminded and I would stop and think, okay, how am I feeling, what thoughts am I having.  This meant that I could nip it in the bud and do some controlled deep breathing before it became too much of a problem and harder to deal with.

 

It was such a simple thing and was/is so helpful.  That was back in April and I find that it has now become a part of what I do without using a timer.

[Serenity]

Going to post directly in Acceptance. 

[ChessieCat]

Really fantastic to hear!!!  Well done.  You didn't give up.  You've kept looking for something to help and you found it.

[Serenity]

No kidding! 

 

Now all is left is to actually learn how to accept so that I could benefit from it. But this is minor, huh? 

[ChessieCat]

It doesn't mean that things (whatever they are) will take a turn for the better, but because you aren't consumed by what you previously were you will be able to see, think about and appreciate other things.

 

Acceptance is simple, but not necessarily easy to learn.  Perhaps start with my timer suggestion.  That way you can catch your thoughts before they get too big and overwhelm you.  To make it a habit it has to be practised so it becomes a more natural part of us.

[ChessieCat]

I am so excited and happy that you have "got it"!

[Serenity]

ChessieCat, 

 

You made me smile for the first time in a long time. Thank you))

[ChessieCat]

I've been smiling a lot too!

[PatriciaVP]

Serenity,

 

Doctors! Grrr!! Ruff, ruff! I'm barking at them for you! If they could just get a small taste of the pain they caused they'd never touch another prescription pad!

 

I see you are finding some peace in the practice of acceptance. Good for you.

 

Just wanted to let you know that I've been where you are. The crying, anxiety agitation, sick to your stomach, feeling like you want to crawl out of your own skin. I've felt it all. Good news is- it does end. Night disappears and the sun does rise again. 

 

Just keep holding on, Serenity. Brighter days are coming. You are not alone.

 

Peace, love and healing.

[Serenity]

Dear All,

 

I’m in a very sad and desperate state.
I started taking lexapro in 2012 due to complete insomnia, it did save me back then), went off it CT in 2016, became maniac, suicidal, discovered this platform and what ADs are, completely freaked out, had to drop off school and go back to my home country from the US where I eventually reinstated at 10 ml. In 2019 I went CT off it again, was going thru hell for 2 years but was able to feel pretty okay in 3 years. 
Fast forward to the beginning of this year - I developed some severe depression, sleep was very compromised again (was taking Benadryl almost for 3 months to sleep). Sleep has always been my issue and led me on ADs in 2012, so I got really scared and 2 months later started considering taking ADs again (why didn’t I revisit this platform then to refresh my memory on what evil this drug is??)

Anyways, I started taking lexapro in the beginning of March - took 5 ml - 10 ml - 10 ml - 5 ml (GP recommended 10 ml off the bat).  Felt terrible during the day but no change to sleep at this point so I stopped after 4 days. Actually I felt pretty well afterwards until 2 weeks later when the thoughts became really dark. Now I understand that it was lexapro kicking in. So March 26 - and I started taking 2.5 ml (GP recommended 5, but I thought that getting on 2.5 would be pretty easy. Right). Took this dose for 5 days and stoped as sleep became just terrible - 2 hours of sleep on Benadryl; Xanax didn’t give me a minute of sleep. On day 5 I slept only 1 hour. So I quit. I know guys, I’m making all the most stupid moves here one can think of.

The reason I quit was that: 1. I thought I became SSRI resistant/developed sensitivity, so thought that the only option would be to quit anyway. Also suspected serotonin syndrome (now I don’t think it was it) because of the jitters, muscle twitching and what feels like a very light paralysis (as in I cannot completely feel my fingers at times), complete insomnia, agitation, physical fear, the darkest thoughts, electrical shocks through the body while attempting to fall asleep, severe burning skin on the chest, neck, head, the list goes on and on).

Once I stoped - it became much worse (and I thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse already). Again, provided no one knows what to expect with this garbage I could’ve felt this way anyway but now all I can think about is how to end it. I work with numbers and yesterday I couldn’t tell numbers from one another, brain feels very compromised. I’m not going to get too graphic here, but the worst reactions you can think of - I probably have them. The nights are the biggest culprits as I cannot sleep. At all. 
Gigi insisted that I post here for help (God bless her) and here I am. Guys, I’m begging you to be kind and not tell me about the horrific mistakes I made over the last month - I’m the one who is paying the price for my stupidity and recklessness. 
I have so much to live and fight for, but I feel like I’ve lost the battle already (actually the day I started taking this stuff again), I can’t go like that for much longer.

My options here are going to shrinks (who don’t know a thing), or the worst scenario (inpatient care) which I’d rather die than do. This platform is my only hope to hear from those who understand and experienced this drug. 

Please those with the most knowledge and relevant experience, advise what you would do in this situation at your earliest opportunity.

 

I really appreciate your help. 

 

[KenA]

Hi @Serenity I have merged your new intro topic with your existing one as each member is allowed only one intro topic. Please be patient while a mod responds to your request!

 

Best Wishes,

KenA

Admin

[Emonda]

On 4/2/2024 at 7:56 PM, Serenity said:

Gigi insisted that I post here for help (God bless her) and here I am. Guys

 

What a wise friend you have 🤗

 

On 4/2/2024 at 7:56 PM, Serenity said:

Guys, I’m begging you to be kind and not tell me about the horrific mistakes I made over the last month

 

We all make mistakes...let's call them learning opportunities. I know I've made plenty!

 

On 4/2/2024 at 7:56 PM, Serenity said:

sleep was very compromised again

 

Sleep impacts so many of us here. I find this helps me a little: Melatonin for sleep.

 

On 4/2/2024 at 7:56 PM, Serenity said:

Please those with the most knowledge and relevant experience, advise what you would do in this situation at your earliest opportunity.

 

To help us help you, can you please update your signature with what you have done recently.

 

On 4/2/2024 at 7:56 PM, Serenity said:

Anyways, I started taking lexapro in the beginning of March - took 5 ml - 10 ml - 10 ml - 5 ml

 

Consistency is so important. Exactly the same dose, same time each and every day. Alternating doses can leave you feeling very ordinary.

 

On 4/2/2024 at 7:56 PM, Serenity said:

Felt terrible during the day but no change to sleep at this point so I stopped after 4 days.

 

On 4/2/2024 at 7:56 PM, Serenity said:

March 26 - and I started taking 2.5 ml (GP recommended 5, but I thought that getting on 2.5 would be pretty easy. Right). Took this dose for 5 days and stoped as sleep became just terrible

 

Did you feel worse than you did prior to taking? It realistically takes weeks for these things to have an impact on your mood.

 

Based on my experience with these things, I'd try everything else first prior to drugs. I'd try counselling, regular exercise (I find it helpful, others don't), avoid alcohol / drugs. etc.

 

I reinstated Lexapro at too high a dose ~10 years ago, and felt the things you described.

 

Have you read this list: Daily Checklist of Antidepressant Withdrawal Symptoms (PDF) It generally takes longer to develop a dependency / WD symptoms, than you've taken them...but it's possible.

 

I'm sure you've read them before, but there's much to be reminded of in these links:

 

Windows and waves pattern of stabilization

 

Emotional Spirals

 

Non-drug coping strategies

 

Many of us find helpful are magnesium and omega-3 fish oil. Here are the links for info about those. Add one at a time and start with a low dose to see how it affects you. 

Magnesium

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil)

 

Time and patience are your friends in this process.

 

I hope this helps a little.

 

Emonda

 

 

 

[Serenity]

Hello Emonda, 

 

Thank you for your response. I cannot figure out my signature - it’s gone completely. 

 

Just to reiterate what I said in my previous message: I stopped Lexapro in February 2019 CT (started in 2012, reinstated in 2016 after a 2-month break), had incredibly hard time but was feeling fairly well by 2022.

 

I restarted Lexapro on March 15: took 4 pills (5 mg - 10 mg - 10 mg - 5 mg) and stopped as I started getting tremors, physical anxiety, was able to sleep only about an hour or two. At this point I felt pretty good still. 
 

On March 27 I started taking Lexapro again. This time I took 2.5 mg for 5 days. I thought lower dose would make it easier. That’s when real hell started. 
 

Now I haven’t taken a pill for 7 days. I became maniac for a few days, then finally was able to cry and fell asleep (when in maniac state, I can’t yawn or cry - the scariest thing ever); maniac for another 2 days, slept about 5-5.5 hours hours last night; got extreme tremors and what felt like acathisia at 3am and after that it’s just hell again today. 
 

Today I’ve been very jittery in the morning, then maniac state again (I don’t know how to explain it better: my throat kind of closes, it’s hard to swallow, impossible to yawn and I know that I will not fall asleep in this state; I’ll just have insane tremors all night long). 
 

Needless to say I’m petrified but is it possible to get over this state without reinstating? Since I’m already kind of seeing waves and windows (I had two good nights and about 10 extremely bad ones though). I know that general advice is to stabilize, but I feel like I’ve been messing around with the on and off dose so many times that I should not attempt to take the drug again. It’s incredibly tough though and the fact that there’s no way to predict what will happen is making it absolutely unbearable.

 

Please advice and thank you so much. 

 

[Tweed9674]

I'm so sorry you've been feeling this bad, Serenity. Many of us can relate. I really wish I had answers for you.

 

Magnesium helped me with the tremors and allow me to have more sleep at night. I find that it also help with the anxiety. I take one capsule of 200mg of bisglycinate magnesium before bed. You might want to try a lower dose and see how you react.

I also take 2.5mg of melatonine and a cup of camomile tea.

 

Stay strong and keep us updated

[Serenity]

Thank you!!