Zodd: Maybe Wrongly Perscribed Risperidone

[Zodd]

I'm feeling like a functional person again. Not quite myself but close. Not sure if I'll ever really feel like myself again. But the spiral thoughts of anger and despair only happen every so often, more when I start my new dosage. I think my anhedonia may be lifting, for somethings. I can listen to music again, for a little while. I get frustrated after a while and give up. Mostly just use it to drown out things. Same with video games and reading. I still haven't drawn anything. Its like all talent left me. The more physical things are still affected, however.

 

The most annoying new symptom, besides the insomnia, is the ear worm/repetitive song syndrome. I've had one song stuck in my head all week. I sometimes find myself thinking/singing it below the radar, just in the background noise of my head. It's not a bad song either, just goes on like The Song that Never Ends. It's concerning because It's very difficult to make my headspace quite anymore, something I used to be able to do with ease. Just another thing about me changed that I have to remember, like I'm writing a new user manual.

 

My mind keeps going to places and times in my past that I thought I had already put to bed, long ago. I can exit the spiral it causes, but the feeling lingers. This is the time of year we're supposed to remember the good times, and be thankful. Every few days I look back at the feelings I just had and feel like I've been recovering something of myself. I think, man, a few days ago I was worse off. Or I wonder why I reacted that way or with those thoughts, cause I they seem silly now.

 

I don't know why I'm having new things appear. Shouldn't it be the other way around, as the toxicity in my body is decreased with my dosage?

[scallywag]

Toxicity effects are different from withdrawal symptoms. To understand how dose reductions can cause symptoms, have a look at these links:

How your brain responds to psychiatric drugs - aka "Brain remodeling"

Youtube video, 4 minutes: Healing from antidepressants

[Zodd]

I guess I was confusing the things that were happening due to withdrawl with side effects of the drug. The drug has had such a confusing affect on my subjectivity. I wish I knew how to undo the brain growing that the meds have induced. The emotional outburst is definitely a result of the drugs, and I really need to quit it. Like when I'm talking about my treatment and problems, the same chemical/neurological imbalance happens in my brain now when these outbursts happen; it impedes my normal thinking processes. As if half the cogs of my brain just stop turning.

 

Got a page dealing with like that? One for undoing brain remodeling? I bet it says only through diligence in self correcting negative reactions into the positive outcome will we achieve what we're seeking. Lots of changing the channel. Just wish it didn't have to be such a pain in the process.

 

I'm not used to doing things the long way. My mental state has always been one of immediate results. I could always change my mood at will. I didn't let things keep me down. It's so frustrating that I don't have access to this ability anymore. Now I always seem to be focused on the past.

 

I wish I could make a grand work of art of my state of mind and show it to my family. So I could really tell them what they've done to me. "Look at this, look at it! You turned my brain into this vain and ugly thing. By perpetuating the lie of these drugs, you chemically altered my brain for the worse. I don't think I can get back to where I was, I liked myself before. And this is me HEALING from what you did. What you made me do to myself!"

 

It'd be made of marble and about ten feet tall.

 

 

PS.

I realize indulging in this kind of confrontational fantasy is probably unhealthy, I just needed to write it down. I don't have much in the way of catharsis.

[scallywag]

The safe way to allow your CNS (central nervous system) to restore itself to a drug-free state is to taper cautiously.

[IDK]

The neuro-emotions seem to be stronger but less... physical, if that makes sense. When I'm having a real emotional moment, my brain just doesn't seem to function properly anymore. I don't seem to have the deep reasoning or reflection that I did before medication. Like trying to get water from a well, but its not as deep as it once was, so you just keep hitting dirt. It's frustrating, because it seems so shallow now. I feel like the first 27 years of my life, everything I've worked hard for, have been stolen away from me, blotted out. I think I prided myself on my ability to think through emotions. I no longer feel like I'm elevated or under medication, my head space is feeling closer to what it was before. Except so much smaller, so much has changed. It's all just wrong.

 

Man, I've spent months trying to realize what is happening to me and expecially how to explain it to others and I couldn't find the words.

 

Now I'm reading this and I finally found them.

 

You perfectly described what Risperdal withdrawal feels like in this thread. Shame to the doctors, they have the money for research on new plastic surgery techniques but they still don't have a clue, in 2017, about what the hell happens when they poison their patients with that crap.

[Zodd]

Lately, I've been having trouble dealing with the ramifications of what has been done to me.

 

Being told I was labeled and being treated for anxiety, when in fact I was diagnosed with psychosis, and having my mind warped unknowingly by an anti psychotic. I do not agree with this diagnosis nor did i agree to be treated with this type of medication. The way the doctor talked with me about what he thought was going on with me and anxiety led me to conclude that psychosis was a more clinical term for the type of anxiety I was experiencing. Not a separate category with classifications all its own. And my family knew my confusion as to why i was experiencing the symptoms I was from the medication, why I wasn't relaxed like anxiety medications is supposed to make you feel.

 

Instead of being treated for a short amount of time like originally planned, I develop many metal related issues over the course of half a year due to the medication. How my family threatened to have me removed if I didn't keep taking the medication when I DID find out what I was taking. How this led to my metal state deteriorating beyond even what started my treatment. But what pisses me off the most and causes the most stress is that my family let me linger under this lie for so long. How many opportunities do you need to open the dialogue into, 'y'know about these questions you've been asking.' My brother is familiar with risperidone, so he knew exactly what it was.

 

I didn't do or act in any way that warranted being controlled like this. I want to do all these things but the idea that my brain has been chemically altered is always sitting there in my thoughts. That I won't be able to do the things the way I once did because my family lied to me. That I am forever changed.

[Zodd]

It's become apparent to me that my being treated in this way has caused me anxiety people we trying to prevent. Just thinking that my brain has been altered by drugs actually causes my mind to stutter & feel hopeless about my future. It's affecting me daily, and often.  I wake in the morning blank and angry cause I've just had a dream about being handicapped and barred from things I want to do. Throughout the day I lament how the doctors lied to me about how the physical effects I experience are just "the sedative properties of the medication", that my brain may not recover that youthful tenacity. I can't even escape it in the shower, which used to be my quiet meditative time, is now disrupted with thoughts of how my family has betrayed me. How I will never, ever forgive them.

 

I never really understood anger or hate before this. It was a thing other people experienced. Sure I've experienced frustration, but not like this, not to the point that it interrupts whatever I am doing. They have truly robbed me of something. There is no way to make this better or seek justice or remittance. All I can do is accept my situation and maybe heal with time.

 

And it hurts.

[scallywag]

Zodd, these realizations are shocking and painful. Wishing you peace as you work your way through them.

[IDK]

It's become apparent to me that my being treated in this way has caused me anxiety people we trying to prevent. Just thinking that my brain has been altered by drugs actually causes my mind to stutter & feel hopeless about my future. It's affecting me daily, and often.  I wake in the morning blank and angry cause I've just had a dream about being handicapped and barred from things I want to do. Throughout the day I lament how the doctors lied to me about how the physical effects I experience are just "the sedative properties of the medication", that my brain may not recover that youthful tenacity. I can't even escape it in the shower, which used to be my quiet meditative time, is now disrupted with thoughts of how my family has betrayed me. How I will never, ever forgive them.

 

I never really understood anger or hate before this. It was a thing other people experienced. Sure I've experienced frustration, but not like this, not to the point that it interrupts whatever I am doing. They have truly robbed me of something. There is no way to make this better or seek justice or remittance. All I can do is accept my situation and maybe heal with time.

 

And it hurts.

 

I can totally relate.

[IDK]

Lately, I've been having trouble dealing with the ramifications of what has been done to me.

 

Being told I was labeled and being treated for anxiety, when in fact I was diagnosed with psychosis, and having my mind warped unknowingly by an anti psychotic. I do not agree with this diagnosis nor did i agree to be treated with this type of medication. The way the doctor talked with me about what he thought was going on with me and anxiety led me to conclude that psychosis was a more clinical term for the type of anxiety I was experiencing. Not a separate category with classifications all its own. And my family knew my confusion as to why i was experiencing the symptoms I was from the medication, why I wasn't relaxed like anxiety medications is supposed to make you feel.

 

Instead of being treated for a short amount of time like originally planned, I develop many metal related issues over the course of half a year due to the medication. How my family threatened to have me removed if I didn't keep taking the medication when I DID find out what I was taking. How this led to my metal state deteriorating beyond even what started my treatment. But what pisses me off the most and causes the most stress is that my family let me linger under this lie for so long. How many opportunities do you need to open the dialogue into, 'y'know about these questions you've been asking.' My brother is familiar with risperidone, so he knew exactly what it was.

 

I didn't do or act in any way that warranted being controlled like this. I want to do all these things but the idea that my brain has been chemically altered is always sitting there in my thoughts. That I won't be able to do the things the way I once did because my family lied to me. That I am forever changed.

 

So the chemical alteration of the brain is permanent?

[Zodd]

So the chemical alteration of the brain is permanent?

 

From what I understand these physical effects and chemical imbalances may get better over time, but will never be the way they once were, because you litteally have to grow new brain receptors as the ones already there have been blocked permanently. In this is article, with whom I am suffering symptoms in common with the OP, one commenters details. Trying to find citation or correlating articles about its validity.

 

"Antipsychotics "crunch", rewire, and dysfunctionally build your brain, and many are irreversible dopamine antagonists---this means that you have to regrow your receptorsites because the ones that were blocked up by the medication can never become unblocked.  (The regeneration and replacement of receptors is a natural and usual thing, so this is just about getting healthier and more functional tissue during a process already occurring either way.) 

Epigenetic changes, changes to your organ systems, and physical changes or damages result from using psychiatric drugs, and they can remain dysfunctionally altered indefinitely, though people often progressively heal over time if they are drug-free.  Progressive healing sometimes means side effects getting worse before they get better, or cyclical experiences of severity with regards to particular symptoms or symptom sets."

 

I am currently seeking Y membership to improve by body and mental stability. Being unemployed has narrowed my ability to achieve certain things however. Thankfully I have a case manager to assist with restoring me to my former productive self.

 

There's also this article from the same site.

[AliG]

Zodd. Just to add a bit of balance to this, you might find this thread interesting also.

 

What is happening in your brain

 

Healing can feel like hurt but it's the reversal of damage.

[scallywag]

So the chemical alteration of the brain is permanent?

From what I understand these physical effects and chemical imbalances may get better over time, but will never be the way they once were, because you litteally have to grow new brain receptors as the ones already there have been blocked permanently. In this is article, with whom I am suffering symptoms in common with the OP, one commenters details. Trying to find citation or correlating articles about its validity.

...

 

Zodd, it's probably more accurate to say that certain functions may "never be the way they once were." A negative position of 100% certainty is as unrealistic as the 100% certainty conveyed when some doctors say:

- the medications aren't addictive

- there are no long term effects

- getting off them is easy and symptoms last 2 months at most.

 

---

Moderator note:  the discussion between AliG and IDK about longevity of symptoms and risk of long-term CNS damage have been moved to IDK's intro thread .

Edited January 9, 2017 by scallywag
add note about moved posts

[Zodd]

Zodd, it's probably more accurate to say that certain functions may "never be the way they once were." A negative position of 100% certainty is as unrealistic as the 100% certainty conveyed when some doctors say:

 

You are correct, I was probably being pessimistic here. I understand that my brain will heal. My melancholy and ire come from the fact that I didn't agree to have my brain chemistry altered in the strange ways it has, and when I sought help for this I was denied at every avenue. In a time when I couldn't make decisions for myself and actually sought advice, I was constantly met with same answer: your opinion doesn't matter because you're not right in the head, so keep taking these drugs you think are messing you up. It was never that I didn't want to take medication, but the negative affects these drugs were causing in me. This was before I even knew I was actually taking an antipsychotic. I trusted these people to do the research and to know what they are talking about but was met with ridicule and fear tactics. There was never any inquiry into what I was experiencing, barely any into the possible physicality underlying it and no one wanted to listen to what I had to say. Its as if someone made a list of the genesis of a holistic treatment to psychiatry and did the exact opposite of whatever it said.

 

Now that I have some of my bearings, rather than bouncing from person to person seeking knowledge, I realize should have been doing my own research far before I ever took anyone else's advice.

 

So I understand that things in my brain may settle someday. But there's no guarantee that the way it settles will be with normal function. It seems like a steep price has been paid for treatment that did nothing to help me. It was only through my own reasoning and function that I regained what normalcy I have. I understand some of things I feel are like the itching of a healing wound but I didn't know I was wounding myself until I'd been cut too deep. My family had ONE JOB and that was to be honest with me and provide real feedback to what I was experiencing. Help me articulate what was happening to the doctor. But they, and including the doctor had only one goal in mind. That was to keep me from horrifying my poor sick mother with tales of what I thought was happening (I wasn't telling her anything anyway). In the end I develop worse conditions than what prompted medication in the first place.

 

And I get why they were concerned with that. She doesn't need any more stress to combat with. She has enough on her plate. I don't resent them for wanting to protect her from something potentially harmful to her health.

 

The fact that I've been altered influences everything I do now. I'll never experience an event in a way I would before. I can't find my joys because the activities I once liked no longer produce the chemicals in my brain that made me like them. My understanding of things like what I like about certain music or how a movie scene would affect me no longer applies. My understanding of myself no longer applies because I am no longer me. I have to discover anew what things I like and don't, where my strengths and weaknesses lie, my whole person, over again.

 

Granted not everything will have changed, but the way I experience them has, which in a way makes my first statement untrue. I don't prefer to think negatively. In fact the opposite is true, at least it was before. But whatever neuron is responsible for reminding me that I am no longer me fires off so easily and randomly now. It doesn't matter what I'm doing. It hangs like a cloud over my head.

 

Giving someone who was unsure if they might have had a hidden personality medication that will literally change who they are is so ironic it's almost funny. Being negative is very tiring. I was happy before. Even when I was remembering these aweful things that might have happened to me, at least I had answers finally. The people who were distressed wasn't me, but my family. They couldn't take it. I thought I was finally healing from something terrible that had happened.

[AliG]

Scally. Thank you for moving the discussion with IDK.  

 

I was pointing Zodd in a positive direction and I hope he can see a little more of that now after reading up on the subject.

[Zodd]

I'd just like to point out that while my ranting comes across as bleak and occupationally slanted with doubts, I am seeing improvements. My mood may be further influenced by the fact that I just started a drop in dosage this week. Along with starting to drink real coffee again this week, which I think is a cocktail of mixed chemicals in my head. I read somewhere here you should treat your brain as a kitten while tapering and it really stuck with me. You wouldn't feed a kitten caffeine. I just love coffee.

AliG thanks for the informative article. it's given me something of an idea of where my original problem may have lain.

[IDK]

The fact that I've been altered influences everything I do now. I'll never experience an event in a way I would before. I can't find my joys because the activities I once liked no longer produce the chemicals in my brain that made me like them. My understanding of things like what I like about certain music or how a movie scene would affect me no longer applies. My understanding of myself no longer applies because I am no longer me. I have to discover anew what things I like and don't, where my strengths and weaknesses lie, my whole person, over again.

 

 

But how can you be sure about that?

[Zodd]

I have been planning on getting my hormones checked for a while. I've been wondering if one of my specific impaired function was due to low testosterone. I read here that risperidone can lower testosterone by impairing the function of Leydig cells in males. Not from high prolactin itself, which I thankfully haven't suffered, insofar as I know. I can't find any information on whether the cell function is restored after discontinuing medication. Can anyone find any better answers than what my research has produced?

[Zodd]

There is nothing more infuriating than observing a change in your physicality, have a doctor tell me I'm imagining it, and to later find its a common case study in my medication.

[Zodd]

So I came across ASMR videos again recently. Before the medication, I would have huge responses and involuntary triggers to asmr. I tried finding and listening to the ones I had before and while they're still relaxing, it's not the same either. Has anyone else noticed changes like this after medication?

[Buccaneers47]

I am interested in what you said earlier about songs playing in your head. I have NEVER experienced that before starting the medication. You've hit the nail on the head with all of what I am struggling with. I freak when I think that my brain could be permanently damaged. And then I freak because I was wrongly diagnosed with psychosis, when the medication in the first place caused me the issues. I was NOT like this before medications. Never. And the worst part is that they put me on 5 different meds within 6 week period. No wonder I'm dealing with what I'm dealing with. I'm very angry. I feel you so much. I'm a 25 year old mom to a 4 year old and now I don't know how to even live. I have no motivation or anything.

Edited January 10, 2017 by ChessieCat
reworded obscenities

[Zodd]

It seems the universal problem solvers are also the most frustrating: Time and Patience. These guys work slower than molasses and are less than fun to watch. Because it's happening to you, it moves so slow you can't see any of the progress being made. All the while pulling at your hair looking for any sign of things to be better. I know now that I am leagues ahead towards my normal self compared to where I was three months ago. But it's been a loooong road to here. There are pieces of myself still missing that with more Time and Patience I'm hoping to find again.

 

What scares the **** out of me and others in the uncertainty. The not knowing whether or not I've been altered permanently or temporarily. But since we can't see the improvements as they happen there's no way to tell. I've experienced both psychological and physical changes that I was told were both not a problem and products of my confused brain by an uninformed and manipulative psychologist. First step in healing from this is accepting that this happened. That's not to say I don't deal every day with the anger and resentment and uncertainty the actions of others have produced in my life. I do. Reminding myself that these things were done with the best intentions doesn't really help, it in fact hurts more. What does help is remembering that I am better today than I was yesterday, or a week ago or a month. At first its seems like nothing is better. Then you realize you can barely string sentences together enough to convey what you're trying to say. Then you can write a paragraph a little clearer. You can sit still for five minutes longer than before. Your emotions no longer feel like a Magic eightball and more a narrative of according to how your day is going. Maybe three months have past before you know it. Time and Patience.

 

There is no hasty action you can take, no telling off of family or medical personnel, no fit of anger that can compensate for or convey the meaning of the hurt we feel. That does not mean we can't take actions that will help us get better. Or that we struggle without a purpose. Observing yourself getting better has to become a reward. Now I might say to myself "I shouldn't have to get better in the first place! RAWR!" Stop and remember we just accepted that it has happened and what should follow this thought. That I will continue to get better and observe the good things in my life.

 

Sounds like a joke, right? How is observing the little good things in my life going to help me overcome awful physical and chemical changes occurring my body? I could talk about how giving us something to focus on allows us to create goals that lead to recovery. Or how the more we repeat an action the easier it is for your brain to fire it off on its own. But I think it's smaller than that. I think the choice to look at things in good light leads to more good things. That in the action of observing good we create good.

 

Just knowing these things isn't enough. There are and will continue to be times when I feel like all the good mojo I've built up is a sham. I feel fake for believing it, like I'm gullible for doing so. That I'm just deluding myself, thinking that I'm getting better when my brain and body have been chemically altered. That I should just rage against everyone and everything.

 

I'm learning that I might not have to. That the dark thoughts may come easy and uninvited. Looking for good is hard and by itself unsatisfying. But with time and patience they dark will creep back and I will enjoy my life again. Some day.

 

I'd just like to point out when I wax philosphical like this, I'm half talking to myself as much as I am to anyone on this board. This forum allows me to scribble down and process the complex emotion quandaries I feel. Anti-psychotics are a tricky business and often contradictory. I find writing helps me put things in order when my own head doesn't want me to.

[Zodd]

I am interested in what you said earlier about songs playing in your head. I have NEVER experienced that before starting the medication.

 

Sorry I forgot to answer your question. My own repeating song syndrome is definitely better. Or at least it's moved into the background noise of my head. Only occasionally do I register a song going on without my intent now. It's a funny phenomenon. If you're suffering, others pointed out to me that it maybe a symptom of withdrawl and will pass with time, which mine did. Mine were at least songs or portions of song that I enjoyed. I actively tried blocking out the music or changing it but didn't see much success. Kind of hard to not think about something your telling yourself not to think of. Instead I found if I let it alone for a while and tied to breath through it and be still in my thoughts, I'd still think the music, but eventually move on. It got less and less omnipresent moving toward occasional. Then I stopped noticing if it was happening.

 

It may be i just had a mild case of this symptom or that my mind trick worked. Doesn't mean it wasn't any less intense or debilitating while it was happening. Maybe my trick will work for you. The trick was in being comfortable with what was happening.

[Zodd]

 

I am interested in what you said earlier about songs playing in your head. I have NEVER experienced that before starting the medication.

 

Sorry I forgot to answer your question. My own repeating song syndrome is definitely better. Or at least it's moved into the background noise of my head.

[...]

It may be i just had a mild case of this symptom or that my mind trick worked.

 

So I royally jinxed myself with that one. All of last night and most of today was spent repeating an old anime theme song from Dragon Ball.

Way to go brain! High five!

[Zodd]

Trolling the internet looking for things to make emotionally respond. Things like tumblr and facebook. I miss the little nuances that I would feel in my regular time reading/viewing things on the net. I feel so bland.  If I had an emotional radar, the old me would have all these peaks and valleys. Now, I don't think I'd even register.  Like I've been ironed out. Flattened. I thought these things would improve as I came off the drugs, but it's just so much more apparent. I'm able to observe myself more dynamically, but there's nothing going on to observe. I'm either in full meltdown mode, or nothing. Even the upset me doesn't really feel like I'm having an emotion reaction, more a sense of adrenaline or something being released. 

 

I'm still just observing chemical reactions firing off. I'm not emoting, I'm just experiencing my chemistry set in action. I want to feel again without it just being me realizing my brain is synthesizing junk.

 

Please help me, I am emotionally flat-lining. Except for maybe the mild panic I feel about it.

[scallywag]

Zodd, I'm dealing with stimulation-seeking in a minor/moderate way right now.  Does it help to remind yourself that it's the medication, not you?

[Zodd]

Intellectually it helps to remember the drugs are causing these things, but the absence of the drug seems to be causing more side effects, even physical ones, than while I was taking the full dose. Its exhausting to think that my body will not be able to keep up and recover intact in it's absence. That even when I'm no longer taking the medication, it could still be affecting my daily life.

 

I've had my prolactin levels checked along with a full metabolic panel and t levels. Learned I could review my results online. My psych told me that my prolactin levels were fine this whole time over the last six months. Now I can see that I've had nearly four times the normal range for prolactin documented since august. I've told them I've had sexual side effects since day one, I guess they don't consider those to be warrant enough side effects to mention in high prolactin levels. Maybe if I'd grown breasts they might have said something. When I asked them straight out back in august whether I had a high level they told me it was nothing to worry about. I believe they have been operating under the summation that I am incapable of making those decisions for myself.

 

I hate the fact that I told everyone I entrusted with my care that I was having all these strange side effects over months and was told it was all in my head. That I was the root of these problems due to whatever strange mental illness had taken over me. It was all preventable! From the exacerbated indecision to mood swings, sexual side effects, overall lack of control. Facets that I'd never had problems with before. These things were automatically associated with my inability to handle my life. Now that I know these were all effects of medication, everyone's answer is now 'well what do you want me to do about it? we did what we thought was best. We didn't mean any harm.'

 

I ingested this poison because to a person I was told I wasn't capable of making correct decisions and entrusted all my decisions to family and a psychiatrist. People purported to be beacons of understanding and clear scientific thought. When I complained about side effects I was told either it was nothing to worry about and would pass or that medication couldn't be making this happen. That no matter what, I should continue taking my medication because clearly I'm still not right in the head enough to know what I'm talking about. And this answer comes collectively and individually from my whole support group after each new symptom. Now I find out everything I was protesting was not only legitimate and quantifiable but a clear product of this prolonged drug use, your answer is "Its not my fault. You're an adult. You chose to take this medication."?!

 

Did I enter some bizarro world? I've been consistently damaging my body and mind with a medication and the reason, the excuse to do so has been the medication all along? Because it surely wasn't the 'delusions' that started this tour. At no point was it said that the medication was helping with my recovered memories or strange ideas about myself. In fact any time I tried to bring up these things the only question that ever arose was whether or not I'd taken my medication. The excuse of my mental illness precluded any debate as to whether I was getting better. So long as I kept taking my medicine, I should get better, and shouldn't worry about these trivial things labeled delusions.

 

Just shut up and take your pill.

 

And here it turns out the psychiatrist, the scientist, has been skewing information in a ploy to keep me med compliant despite the future consequences for me that this might incur. I can try to forgive my family for being ignorant of the facts and having emotional leniency towards a magic pill therefore disregarding my input. But how can a medical professional justify withholding information critical to my recovery when observing it's severe impact to my life? Aren't they required to take an oath that says "do no harm" before they begin practicing medicine? I've been suffering chemical imbalances since the medications inception, documented physical changes and observed behavioral changes, several requests to change medications, all met with denial towards physical dependency, obfuscation of facts, and threats of increasing dosage when complaints are issued. For what? Because you think I'm being paranoid? Are these result really justified if they keep me from having what you consider erroneous or dangerous thoughts?

 

There was never any consideration of me being a danger to myself or anyone else. There was barely even a consideration that the paranoia would repeat itself. It was explained to me as a brief acute psychotic event; given no history of illness, its sudden onset of only a week and its subsequent reversal, it was unlikely to rear its head again. I was given this medication for use in the short term as a precaution, for use over one month, per the proscribing psychiatrists recommendation. The only reason I was told to continue taking it was because I was lead to believe these new side effects I was experiencing were products of my illness. The new psychiatrist had to have known this was not the case yet continued to have me labor under this assumption.

 

Even playing devil's advocate, I can't find a justification for this. When a patient isn't having any symptoms of their original illness and enough time has passed, further medication becomes unnecessary. This is the first sign to take them off it. The second is when they start experiencing documented side effects of the worst traits of the medication. When they start experiencing damaging physical symptoms of its use, you should be looking for alternative treatments. Beyond this, you are medicating just for the sake of medication. And I've been experiencing all of them with progressing severity for six months!

 

I can only conclude that the focus of my treatment was not me or my trivial paranoid event but in perpetuating my diminished state for the sake of handing out medication. Not for the sake of treatment but in the belief that this state was somehow better than whatever perceived state I was in previously. Thanks to the fact that my psychiatrist now has had no contract whatsoever with the proscribing clinician, other than a piece of paper I brought with me stating my diagnosis and medication, she has no inkling to my prognosis. So operating out of ignorance, all she can do is keep handing out the same thing and watch me get worse. I believe she is under the same delusional prejudice that a mental illness diagnosis prevents a person from critical observation that my family has taken. That my opinion automatically responds to a want to be off medication and therefore I can't be trusted in my observation.

 

Overall, I am disappointed with the hypocrisy and subterfuge of the group of people I surrounded myself with. People who scrambled over themselves to convince me I needed help when i didn't think I needed any, and when I asked for it, gave me none. I expected my family to at least lend me a sympathetic ear once I started taking the medication, that was our deal, and to be able to identify the changes the medication was causing. Instead I had my worst fears confirmed. That my family is not immune to the prejudice of blaming the mental illness for everything. That with my new lack of control, they took advantage of my indecision to guilt me into staying on a medication I could see was not helping me get better. Despite being paranoia free and all the dangerous side effects I showed my psychiatrist, she would see me medicated indefinitely.

 

That I am truly on my own in this struggle.

[IDK]

Zodd, so you took 4mg daily from June to October, am I right?

[Zodd]

I feel like I've been put to the belt grinder. I've had all my nuances, my desires and perks ground down. Now all that remains is the need to meet my basic necessities. Food, shelter, sex, sanitation. I have all these memories of emotional and physical proclivities that just don't exist anymore. All the things I would do for myself, because they felt good and were good for me, don't have that same release. They've become chores in the most mundane sense of the word. I would take a half hour in the shower grooming and just enjoying the warmth and privacy. Shaving was a privilege. Being clean equaled enjoyment. I'd eat not only because I was hungery but because food flavor itself was satisfying. I had decent sleep schedule and vivid dreams.

 

I have been called, literally, the emotional rock of the family, who could be depended on.

 

I think I only do these things now because I remember how they once made me feel. To make matters worse, the medication has had some kind of interruption or complete reduction in all of my basic needs. There's no Zen time in the shower, no sense of accomplishment in shaving. I don't really care if I'm clean. I have to remember to eat to nourish myself because if I don't I might not recover, not because I feel like eating anything. None of the good feelings fire off anymore around my family. They all feel like strangers to me. I think the only reason I'm still living here is because I don't want spend my day finding shelter from the cold. I can't afford my own apartment, being between jobs. What started as a simple and manageable observation of a lack of random tumescence has devolved since beginning my taper into a serious issue. The very quality of my dreams has

 

All this from a person who thought positivity in thinking could literally get you through anything.

 

I ignored my instincts and sacrificed my morals not because I truly believed I was doing things wrong. I did it because my family didn't trust me. All along I was observing the changes and effects, protesting & trying to get anyone in my family to notice and agree with me. When I was told my observations were untrue by everyone, what else can I do but believe them. It's not like I was telling people the sky was purple instead of blue and could just take a picture of it. I trusted these people to see what I was seeing, but their preconditioning was already toward dismissing me because I was on medication. You're having exaggerating emotional reactions, alarming mood swings, anger control issues, all of which we know you've never experienced before? Obviously this is a sign of your worsening mental condition. Have you taken your pill today? Because you clearly need to be. Trust us, we can see things more clearly than you can.

 

Never mind the fact that your psych refuses to even acknowledge these things as issues because its her job to keep you medicated. No, all those are clearly a sign of OCD or something else we can medicate you for, not the side effects printed with your pills. You're having sexual and motor issues that can only be explained by the medication? Relax! We're going to dismiss these things as being the 'sedative effects of medication' and 'mere restlessness'. Altogether nothing to worry about, and surely not a sign of possible permanent chemical imbalance or extrapyramidal effects known to occur with this drug. We'd never use such dangerous terminology. And since you haven't grown breasts, your prolactin level being four times the normal amount isn't within range of being 'problematic' so we're not bothering to bring it up. Couldn't possibly cause you any problems. You're not seeing any benefits & you still want to be off the medication? Don't you trust us? Your family does. Perhaps you're being paranoid. It maybe time to increase your medication.

[Zodd]

Since I started typing this, I've been waiting to find out the results of my testosterone test. Something I've asked my psych to request since august, but she has refused and has tried to convince me was not something my medication could affect. Something I will have to pay out of pocket for. And the results are not good. My prolactin has returned to normal in just two months. My testosterone however is on the dangerously low side, less than 194ng/dL, with the lowest score, probably for diabetic 80 year olds, being 300.

 

Paradoxically, I don't think I became really deficient until I started tapering my medication, as if the risperidone had somehow tied into my production. I get all my vitamins and minerals daily needed for keeping a body healthy. I eat right. Don't eat much junk food. Yet even with all these factors I'm still suddenly deficient.

 

I don't understand why it started when I started ceasing the medication. If it wasn't hyperprolactinemia that lowered my t, what's causing it? I think I started taking omega 3 and vitamin E around the time I noticed things getting out of control. Just found this article stating how vitamin e can be a T killer when not deficient. However other sites say the opposite....

[Zodd]

You hear those horror stories about people who've modified their bodies for the ones they love; they get breast implants or plastic surgery, maybe get that matching tattoo. But something goes wrong and they're disfigured or they even just don't like the way things look. So they're stuck with this new configuration of themselves, unable to accept it, unable to go back. I imagine these people to feel like they've done a certain amount of betrayal to their bodies. I feel I've done the more egregious betrayal because I've done it to my brain. I'm the only one who has to deal with the repercussions of this action. I'm the only one who knows exactly how desensitized and pessimistic I've become. I allowed myself to be manipulated by people because I love them but it was still my choice.  Granted I didn't realize I was taking an antipsychotic or what that entailed until I was months into my treatment. But I'm still supposed to protect this body from potentially damaging things.

And now my body is showing signs of damage I could feel but couldn't put on paper, articulate and prove until now. I could only come up with some paranoid reason for why I was feeling this. Just like everything else I said that was dismissed.... Not everything in life is a lesson. Sometimes bad things just happen. But I really feel like I've been shown that my definition of the world is much too soft. That being so broad in my definitions of things like trust and expectation and understanding was naive. Not to mention love. So long as I wasn't interrupting the bubble of quiet around these people who surrounded me with my stories they were content to believe I was better. But as soon as I broke the silence, it became about whether I'd taken my medicine. There was never any quid pro quo. That was the way it was supposed to be. I take the drug, and you listen to my crazy story.  They didn't really want to listen to me. They expected the pill to perform some grand feat of medicine and change my brain from something they saw as intrusive in their lives back to it's normal state. I felt that I was recovering from some long repressed trauma with my remembrances. Since the drug never stopped the the stories from appearing, my family mixed up my new adverse symptoms with me just not having self control. More precisely, they interpreted everything I had to say as delusion, stories, side effects and personal observations included, as excuse to medicate me further. So I just stopped talking about the things occupying my thoughts. The paranoia and delusional thoughts didn't clear with medication. Think now they were exagerated by it. I think it was just before my first cold turkey attempt, some time before September & I knew I couldn't just quit because of withdrawal symptoms, when I really took hold of myself mentally and realized my actions were truly unrealistic and had to face my fears of things. There was no miracle cure, the drug didn't just magically start working after months.

I am disgusted that I allowed my love to hold me down. That's now how it's supposed to work. They took my heart and used it as a cudgel against me.

[nz11]

Paradoxically, I don't think I became really deficient until I started tapering my medication, as if the risperidone had somehow tied into my production. I get all my vitamins and minerals daily needed for keeping a body healthy. I eat right. Don't eat much junk food. Yet even with all these factors I'm still suddenly deficient.

 

I don't understand why it started when I started ceasing the medication. If it wasn't hyperprolactinemia that lowered my t, what's causing it? I think I started taking omega 3 and vitamin E around the time I noticed things getting out of control. Just found this article stating how vitamin e can be a T killer when not deficient. However other sites say the opposite....

You are not alone my T levels seemed to drain away once i got off the drug as well they are below the lower level. 

I forgot how to do the translation into american units.

Its been about 2 years since i had a T level check done but i fear it has gone even lower.

Im thinking of starting a mens T level thread on this site. Where people can post their levels. 

This tragic outcome of these drugs is simply heartbreaking.

[scallywag]

Zodd -- realizing the betrayal by people expected to love and care for you can be a rude shock. Please be gentle with yourself as you come to terms with this and build a future beyond it.

[Zodd]

So I've stopped taking the fish oil and vitamin E supplements. I feel I'm close to my jump off point with my medication with this new development. My original plan was to taper until i reached .25mgs but with my testosterone being in the dangerously low category I think I should be moving up my time tables. I am worried that discontinuing all these things at the same time will confuse my body further. I am still unsure where extreme decrease in testosterone stems from, so in three weeks off the supplements I will have another T test. Don't know if you can test for cortisol, but I'll be asking my regular doctor for things like this from now on, not my lying psych. I worry that the way risperidone has caused chemical imbalance in my hypothalamus may have changed the way my body thinks it needs to produce testosterone. So who knows how long before my brain knows it's in need of production.

 

This article explained nicely how testosterone is created.

 

Found this article dealing with how risperidone can alter hypothalamus in was related to appetite, but nothing on the production of the chemicals related to testosterone production. Because heavens, what if these drugs make you eat more, but who cares if they interrupt one of the most fundamental male processes. Lets just blame it on prolactin.

 

This long winded scientific jargon filled paper deals with vast range of sexual side effects AAP's cause and with some examples of specific medications. I particularly like how it states "Problems during therapy with AAP drugs include a lack of feedback from patients about the adverse effects caused by the drugs, particularly when they are combined with sexual dysfunction." I think I was very vocal but too accepting of pacifying talk. But here again, the language points back to hyperprolactinema as being the main culprit. Along with a few receptor blocking details. I feel I would have noticed those more aggressively before I started my taper, not after.

[Zodd]

I've made a lot of good life choices. A lot self improvement decisions that were only for betterment of my life. If not for my desire to be the best, healthiest and most caring person I could be, I have no doubt I'd be dead in a gutter eight years ago. I really feel like all these decisions mean nothing now. Even things like quitting smoking a few years ago. Removing myself from a drug filled environment. My staying with my elderly family to take care of them. Abstaining from relationships. What was the point of any of it. I feel mentally handicapped, emotionally chemically crippled because of medication, despite years of successful effort in challenging my capabilities. I'm physically deteriorating in spite of fitness and healthy diet. Everything I considered to be the best parts of myself are being destroyed. What was the point of keeping my self in such healthy condition? Just so it could all be trashed by people claiming to understand what I was going through? I feel like the disappointment with whats happened is going to kill me. If I was going to die in a gutter anyway, at least I'd have died as myself. I don't want to be this fucked up person after being that awesome one for so long.

 

I'm really tired of important things of myself being taken away.

 

Whats worse is my biggest "supporter" is my biggest hypocrite. He'd belittle my experience, tell me I'm holding on too much to my identity. That attachment only fuels my ego. Everything he says sounds like that, it has some intrinsic buddhist truth to it. But coming from him, it's the same double speak that guilted & reduced me into accepting whatever anyone forced on me, despite my every protest and evidence to the contrary. I feel now he's been the biggest manipulator to my current condition. To the point that he manipulated how the rest of my family reacted to the odd behavior I would point of to people as reason to get off the medicine, they believed only came from me. And all because I interrupted the cozy little bubble of security he'd formed around the people in his life. I no longer fit his mold, so he had to take drastic action. And I let his confident preacher style talk me right into the worst decision of my life.

[Zodd]

I've read alot of articles online about the impairment of risperidone while taking it. Other than it usually takes a long time for it to come back, and usually not with the tenacity it previously held. However I can't find much about after removing it from the system. It makes my particular case, having dysfunction after discontinuing, rather perplexing and infuriating because all the things that say would cause it like high prolactin just isn't revealed in my blood work. So it must be some other impairment in my brian. I'm eating all the right foods to increase testosterone, but they're only going to work if my brain knows to release the right chemicals to start the chain reaction. Otherwise, I'll probably just end with higher cholesterol count. Unless a miracle occurs & my brain realizes I'm deficient, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have low t the rest of my life. I just turned 28, which is around the time testosterone is purported to be at it's highest in a  mans life.