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Suicidal depression


rowinghippy

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I don't know how people last as long as many of you have, because I just so badly want to end this all. In my current state of mind I can't foresee ever being better. Partial recovery stories and stories of people in wd years out terrify me. Also terrified because I haven't found any recovery stories of people who had some serious hormone issues because of the drugs.

 

I care less and less about my family and friends. They're all that's left from my pre-drug life, and even they're affected by wd. College is near impossible, but if I drop out then the one real thing I have left to live for (friends) goes away. 

 

Scared that a real taper will be a year+, meanwhile all the initial side effects will continue to cause (irreversible in my eyes) havoc. Scared that friends, which have kept me alive up until now, no longer seem to have the same pull on me. I realize at the moment of writing I feel crazed, but I'm afraid if it lasts too long I'll do something stupid (but reaching out for help isn't an option; a panic attack in april led me to a psych hold, which led to citalopram, which led to this whole damn mess). 

 

How the hell do you guys get out of this hole of hopelessness, shame, and despair (shame is probably the worst part)? As much as I want health, I don't foresee it and part of me would rather die than go through this (not to be overdramatic, I'm serious).

4/24/16: 20 mg citalopram

8/1/16: 15 mg

8/22/16: 10 mg

9/16/16: reinstated to 12 mg

12/1/16: 11 mg

2/20/17: 10 mg

11/20/17: CT, med free

1/18/18: began regimen (keto, synthroid, supps, etc.)

11/21/18: off keto, lowered synthroid, began exercise

2/07/19: off synthroid/all supps

4/15/19: began tirosint (clean version of synthroid, with less side effects)

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Junglechicken

The shame isn't on us, its on the medical profession that put us in this place.

 

I can tell you I honestly don't know what life has in store for me......its blind faith at this stage and I take each day as it comes.

 

There are bucket list things I would like/love to do....whether they will actually happen, I don't know.

 

However, its the people that drive this website....the Mods, you and all of the other people living through this that keep me going, that give me that faith that I can continue putting one foot in front of the other day after day after day.

 

They are living proof that we CAN and WILL survive this.

 

They are the most courageous people I know (not forgetting my beloved hubby).

 

You CAN do this!

 

JC

Dose History: 19 Feb 2014 - Escitalopram 10mg daily June 2015 - Started taper, 5mg every other day July 2015 - 5mg every 2 days August 2015 - 5mg every 3 days September 2015 - 5mg every 4 days Sept 14th - Completed tapering, but at 7 weeks "drug free" I suffered serious WD symptoms as a consequence of "incorrect" tapering. Nov 25 2015 - Re-instated Cipralex @ 2.5mg daily. WD symptoms faded. Held at this dose and experienced "windows and waves". 12 Oct 2017 Reduced dose to 1.25mg. 13 Mar 2018 Reduced dose to 0.625mg (approx.). 16 April 2018 0mg. Windows and waves triggered by stress (IBS/reflux, headaches, sinus issues) Aug 2019 Mirena coil fitted 6 Jan 2020 MAJOR Wave hit 19 months following last dose (protracted WD).  Symptoms listed below Mar 2020 Mirena coil removal.

Therapy: Nov 15th 2016 Re-started therapy Jan 19th 2017 Started CBT Dec 2017 Started listening to Hypnotherapy CD (self-esteem). Nov 2019 Started couples therapy.

Supplements: "Bioglan" Biotic Balance Ultimate Flora 10 billion CFU, live Bacteria, Probiotic, suitable for Vegetarians, with Lactobacillus Acidophilus, Lactobacillus Rhamnosus, Bifidobacterium Longum"Pukka" Vitalise a unique blend of 30 energising botanicals.

Diet: 16 April 2018 Detox cleanse / anti-candida for 90 days. Jan 2020 Started "small plate" diet (i.e child size portions).

Exercise: Stretching, Yoga, Pilates, Spinning, Elliptical/upper body workout, walking.

Medical Test Results: 4 Jan 2017 Homeopathic Treatment starts 24 Feb 2017 Started weight loss program 24 Mar 2017 Naturopathic Treatment + anti-Candida diet started due to suspected Candida Related Complex (CRC). DETOXED for 7 weeks to "re-set" gut. April 2017 "Genova Diagnostics" Comprehensive Stool Analysis NEGATIVE; Full Blood Count (Normal) / Blood Cholesterol: 5.6 (Borderline) / Blood Sugar (Normal) / 28 Jun 2017 FSH 8.2 / 14 Nov 2017 FSH 17.7 Dec 2017 Blood Cholesterol: 3.9 (Normal) / Kidney Function (Normal) / Blood Sugar (Normal). December 2017 "Genova Diagnostics" Food panel allergy (bloodwork) analysis - a few "VERY LOW/VL" allergens; Mar 2018 "Genova Diagnostics" SIBO urine analysis: High Level of Yeast/fungal markers found in small intestine but NO SIBO.  April 2018 Thyroid (Normal) / Full Blood Count (Normal) / FSH (Normal). 16 April 2018 Started anti-Candida diet - 3 month protocol.   25 March 2020 All test results "Normal". CRP" 5 mg/L (normal range to 0-5 mg/L).

Symptoms:  Flu-like symptoms, anxiety, anhedonia, sinus headaches right-side (severe), IBS issues/reflux (severe)**, tinnitus, fatigue, inner tremor, nausea, chills/hot flushes, pounding heart, muscular issues including stiff left hip flexor, intense anger, PSSD (ongoing).  **Histhamine intolerance (suspected).

 

Major Life Events: 

Re-located to UK from Canada: Jan 2016

My father died: 5:05pm, Monday 5 Feb 2018 Last Lexapro dose: 16 April 2018 (its now been over a year since I quit ADs)

Moved house: Friday 23rd February 2018  "Divorced" toxic Mother: Monday 26 March 2018 Starting working again: 19 November 2018

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RH.  Speaking for myself, it was faith. Not religious, but the power of the body to heal given the right circumstances and enough time off the drugs.

 

I saw all recovery stories - be it partial or whole - as proof that an afterlife existed "sans" drugs. To me it was hopeful. We recover. A couple of years W/D didn't scare me for some reason but it took a while to be clear enough to process that. Isn't that preferable to death ? 

 

I understand the "pull ". It can be strong. You have to move beyond that. It's just the drugs talking.

 

What is a year+ in a person's life. The side effects are not irreversible. " Ending it " is irreversible. A permanent solution to a temporary problem.

 

Real friends will hang in there but if they don't you will make new ones. Don't worry about that for now. Your  job right now is to keep yourself alive.

 

Why is reaching out not an option ?  Sometimes it helps. Talking here can help.

 

I've been through it and now starting to see light.This is only an infinitesimal moment in your life. 

 

As JC said above, any shame isn't ours. The shame is what was done to us medically.

 

Start to envision health and put the thought of dying out of your mind. Just tell yourself it's NOT AN OPTION. You have too much living to do.

Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014

 

                                                  Psych Drug - free since May 2014
.
         

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Rh , I hear you I really do , many on this forum have been where we are now , I have been in w/d for 3 years now and no Windows , I have been suicidel and so severely depressed that I cannot think of ever getting better , but what I can tell you is no matter how bad we feel we will survive, I am living proof I have been to hell and every day I feel like giving up and I tell my self I can't go on , but we do , we survive another day and that's a huge achievement on our behalf , if we can survive a day in withdrawel we can survive anything , I hope that one day I will be better but I need to stay alive to see it , even through my toughest bout of suicidel waves I survived I never gave in , as alig said in her post ending it all is irreversible, as for shame , I am a 49 year old man who never told a soul about my feelings or what I was going through , none of my family ,friends ,work colleagues, new anything , because I felt ashamed , but then I realised that I had nothing to be ashamed of , I did nothing wrong only ask for help , the medical profession have done this to me they are the ones that have failed me , so now I tell people with no shame if they choose to help that's fine if they find it uncomfortable then that's fine with me , what I have found is that in the last 18 months of me telling people the amount of people who I know who have told me that they have been struggling with depression and a/ds is remarkable, but the interesting thing is they all say they haven't said anything because they felt ashamed, and now they tell people and they are fine with it , you will get better it may take time so don't give up , come on here and ask for help ,

100mg Effexor 2000 untill jan 2015 severe withdrawals . Tapered 4weeks.

Jan to end of Feb 4 weeks on 15mg mirtazapine 20mg quetiapine , tapered of both 2 weeks , severe withdrawals , still some from Effexor possibly

End of Feb 2015 to end of July 30mg citolapram tapered 2weeks severe withdrawal , anxiety high , bouts of sever depression , severe emotional moods

Currently on 30mg mirtazapine appx 5 months , high anxiety, March cut dose 22.5 mg going on to liquid still no improvements with the depression , also started sept 2015 200mg pregabalin , currently on 22.5mg mirtazapine tablet form doing really badly. Cut beginning of May remeron 20mg still bad anxiety,August 15mg remeron ,100mg pregablin , severe depression headaches anxiety , oct 2016 doctor stoped pregablin c/t , 15mg mirtazapine still no let up in physical symptoms ,high anxiety ,Nov 2016 remeron 13.5 mg , Jan 2017 mirtazapine stopped flouxetine20mg added by hospital admission, no choice , doing really badly , akathesia suicidel ,, Flouxetine c/t by hospital after 7 weeks 20mg daily , currently on nothing , God help me

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No matter how depressed I have been in the past, I have never, ever contemplated suicide. My self preservation instincts are much too strong and I've also been of the opinion you just have to keep on trucking/battling. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

May 2007 - October 2007 Citalopram 20 mg od. 1st Antidepressant ever taken. No problem with fast taper and no withdrawal effects. No antidepressants for over 5 years.

 

January 2013 started Citalopram 20mg.

March 2014 Switched to Sertraline 50 mg od.

23rd June 2016 started taper 45mg

23.07.16 40.5mg 23.08.16 36.45mg 27.09.16 34.65mg 24.10.16 32.90mg 28.11.16 31.26mg 04.01.17 32mg 25.02.17 31mg 22.03.17 30mg 14.04.17 29mg 09.05.17 28mg 07.06.17 27mg 08.06.17 26mg 13.07.17 25mg 07.08.17 24mg 24.08.17 23mg 13.09.17 22mg 12.10.17 21mg 10.11.17 20mg 04.12.17 19mg 01.01.18 17mg 25.01.18 15mg 22.02.18 13.5mg 25.03.18 12.15mg 

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  • Administrator

Rowinghippy, you are not just dealing with withdrawal, you are also dealing with a lot of collateral damage. And that makes it so much worse. 

 

But you have so much going for you. You haven't been on these drugs nearly as long as most of us here, and you are very, very young. You're getting this rough journey behind you now, leaving yourself decades of drug-free living, even if it does take a number of months or a couple of years to reach that healing finish line. 

 

And a couple of years at your age is going to seem like a really long time, especially since it's at a time when you are in college. 

 

Are you able to get a medical leave from your college? Take some time to taper and to heal? 

 

What are you doing to deal with these thoughts of self harm? If they become too intense, do reach out to someone on-the-ground, such as a family member, counselor at your college, a close friend, etc. If these aren't an option, here is a thread with phone and internet sites:

 

For those who are feeling desperate or suicidal

 

 

These are some things that helped me when I was having those intense feelings of not being able to go on:

 

"Change the channel" -- dealing with cognitive symptoms

 

Neuro Emotions

 

Non-drug Techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

These are the skills that we all need to learn.

 

It's going to be a struggle, battling the demons that got you on the drugs, as well as withdrawal, and finally handling the collateral damage and getting on with life.

 

As you heal, you'll bring in new people into your life, new experiences, finishing college, finding new jobs. Over time, this will be a very painful but distant memory of your youth.

 

For now, hang on. Find some distractions - going for a walk, sitting in nature, watching gentle comedies, listening to guided meditations. 

 

Sending healing vibes your way. 

Drug free May 22, 2015 after 30 years of neuroleptics, benzos, z-drugs, so-called "anti"-depressants, and amphetamines 

 

My Success Story:  Shep's Success: "Leaving Plato's Cave"

 

And what is good, Phaedrus, and what is not good — need we ask anyone to tell us these things? ~ Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

 

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Thanks for the replies all. I'm trying, just afraid I'll give in some point. 

 

I don't want to take off school, since without it I have nothing to keep me going.

 

Shep, you mentioned my collateral damage. I can't think straight at this moment, but I don't know when I should taper down (I'm in a wave now). Before tapering, the side effects kept worsening. So it seems the longer I'm drugged the worse I get. But taper too fast, and things get worse. So I'm trying to get off as fast as I can, but not too fast to avoid the worst wd. But that leaves me stuck.

 

Sometimes I think I may ct because screw it, but I can't imagine what hell that would be. But I still want to taper, even though I feel like garbage (I've realized I'll never really stabilize - poor body has been trying since the anorexia, and the drug has just been messing it all up).

 

Which is why this all seems hopeless. Like many of you, I don't know what healthy is anymore. I'm not good at faith like AliG said either.

4/24/16: 20 mg citalopram

8/1/16: 15 mg

8/22/16: 10 mg

9/16/16: reinstated to 12 mg

12/1/16: 11 mg

2/20/17: 10 mg

11/20/17: CT, med free

1/18/18: began regimen (keto, synthroid, supps, etc.)

11/21/18: off keto, lowered synthroid, began exercise

2/07/19: off synthroid/all supps

4/15/19: began tirosint (clean version of synthroid, with less side effects)

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  • Administrator

Hi, Rowinghippy.

 

I can't think straight at this moment, but I don't know when I should taper down (I'm in a wave now). Before tapering, the side effects kept worsening. So it seems the longer I'm drugged the worse I get. But taper too fast, and things get worse. So I'm trying to get off as fast as I can, but not too fast to avoid the worst wd. But that leaves me stuck.

 

Please post an update in your Intro thread for feedback on your taper.

 

Here's the link:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/13013-rowinghippy-citalopram-has-been-terrible-need-advice/#entry246406

 

Perhaps there's some tweaking to be done to help with your taper and to minimize your symptoms. 

 

 

Drug free May 22, 2015 after 30 years of neuroleptics, benzos, z-drugs, so-called "anti"-depressants, and amphetamines 

 

My Success Story:  Shep's Success: "Leaving Plato's Cave"

 

And what is good, Phaedrus, and what is not good — need we ask anyone to tell us these things? ~ Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

 

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