Jump to content

WhyDidIDoIt here, full of fear and regret


WhyDidIDoIt

Recommended Posts

Hi all! As you can probably tell by the title, I'm in a dark place.

It all began during a party this spring. Being a uni student, I was ready to party and do stupid stuff. Never did I realise that one small decision could have such a great impact on my life.

I took half a pill of MDMA and snorted a tiny bit of something and, of course, boozed up a lot that night. Genius!

Long story short, I started having bad anxiety and 24/7 rumination shortly after, just like countless other MDMA victims.

I was going through waves and windows until my psychologist recommended a low dose of Sertraline to help me break out of the rumination and anxiety cycle. I started taking them on the 12th of July, gradually tapering up from 12.5 mg to 50mg in a month. It worked quite well, helped with anxiety, cleared up my mind a bit, but destroyed my libido and abilities, as well as made me zombie-like. I decided to quit. I did a quite rapid taper- removing 12.5mg from the dose each week. During the last part of the taper I felt wonderful (almost, will explain later)! Very little anxiety, feelings back, libido and abilities back! That lasted 4 days after the last 1/4 pill. Then I started having terrible anxiety, depression, started crying everyday... Also, during the summer and autumn, I started questioning my relationship of 2.5 years. It was my first ever relationship and I didn't feel it was THE one. Even while on Sertraline this gave me quite severe bouts of anxiety, but after quitting it was unbearable. And my gf could not really handle it anymore as well, and I don't blame her. I'm not the person I was before that fatal MDMA pill. We decided to part ways yesterday.

Now I'm 12 days (only, I know) clean of my short, few month long, course of SSRIs. I feel that if that post-MDMA experience was likely to ease off fairly easily, this won't. I am constantly ruminating, can't concentrate, I am riddled with fear and am extremely anxious. I'm barely eating. And the worst part seems to be the beggining of PSSD. I currently have no sexual desire whatsoever, I'm not sure if I can get an erection today. Yesterday I could after trying a bit, and managed to reach a quick orgasm, which was pleasurable, but my bets are on PSSD. No drive, no desire, maybe some ability, but only some.

I am only 20 years of age.

I think I could go through the anxiety and so on, but the current (or if not- the possible) loss of a sexual identity makes me not want to live anymore. My life was so great prior to that MDMA pill, and was still decent prior to the SSRIs, which I was told were more or less harmless. Now I'm a single wreck. I should be enjoying relationships, sex, friends, hobbies, uni... but I am stuck in this mental, and now possibly (likely) physical prison..

How do I cope? Is it even worth it? I feel my life is over before it even started...

Edited by scallywag
tags
Link to comment

Hello WhyDid,

 

First I want to welcome you to the site. You did the right thing coming here, people are welcoming and we have all had difficult experiences with drugs, so we understand what you are going through. There are knowledgeable people who are going to write about what they think would be the best course of action for you right now regarding drugs. But I wanted to say for now that you are not alone, and that things are going to get better. We all heal from those drugs effects. And of course, of course it is worth it.

 

Hang in there WhyDid,

 

Athena

2000-2001: Effexor              2005-2012: Celexa, Zoloft, Effexor, desipramin, Wellbutrin, mirtazepin, Lamictal, Remeron, Abilify, nortriptylin, Cipralex, Cymbalta, and others I don't remember. Really bad side effects to all.
Sept-Nov 2012: Paxil 20mg, Wellbutrin 100mg, Imovane 5mg      Nov 2012: Paxil 20mg --> 10mg
Dec 2012: Paxil 10mg-->0; 1 week later: HUGE WD symptoms. Started to get informed on the internet and back to 10mg Paxil.
Dec 2012-Jan 2013: Paxil 10mg, Wellbutrin 100mg, Imovane 2.5mg        End Jan 2013: P 9mg, W 100mg, I 2.0mg
Feb 2013: P 8mg, W 100mg, I 1.5mg      April 2013: P 7mg, W 100mg, I 1.25mg       May 2013: P 7mg, W 90mg, I 1mg    

June 2013: P 7mg, W 80mg, I 0mg       July 1/2013: P 7, W 70     July 22/2013: P 7, W 60             Aug 2013: P 7, W 50       Sept 2013: P 6.1, W 50     Oct 2013: P up to 6.3, W 50     Nov 2013: P 6.2 to 5.9, W 50      Dec 2013: P 5.9, W 40      Jan 2014: P 5.3, W40        Feb 2014: P 5.3, W 30      March-April 2014: P 5.3, W 26    May 2014: P 5.3, W 20        June 2014: P 5.3 W 15     July 2014:  P 5.3, W 14       Aug 2014: P 5.3, W up to 15     Sept 2014: P 5.3, W 14    Oct 2014: P 4.8, W 14      Nov 2014: P 4.3, W 14     Dec 2014-Jan 2015: P 3.9, W 14     Feb 2015: P 3.9, W 12    March 2015: P 3.6, W 12   April-May 2015: P 3.3, W 12    June 2015: P 3.3, W 10    July 2015: P 3.3, W 8   Aug-Sept 2015: P 3.3, W 6   Oct 2015: P 3.0, W 6   Nov 2015: P 2.7, W 6   Dec 2015: P 2.4, W 6   Jan-Feb 2016: P 2.4, W 5  March 2016: P 2.2, W 5   April 2016: P 2.2, W 4   May-June 2016: P 2.2, W 3  July 2016: P 2.2, W 2  Aug 2016: P 2.2, W 1  Sept 2016: P 2.2, W 0!!  Oct 2016: P 2.0   Nov 2016-Jan 2017: P 1.8  Feb-Mar 2017: P 1.9  April-May 2017: P 1.8   June 2017: P 1.6 July-Dec 2017: P 1.5  Jan-April 2018: P 1.6

Others: Cytomel 25mcg (thyroid), vit. C, vit D, Omega-3 fish oil, Magnesium bisglycinate , Melatonin 1mg, 81mg Aspirin, Milk peptides, L-theanine, Valericalm tincture mix, scullcap tincture, Suan Zao Ren (jujube seeds)

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

WDIDI -- Welcome to Surviving Antidepressants (SA)
 
The symptoms you describe are part of withdrawal syndrome.  It appears that your linear taper of 12.5 mg weekly decreases were more than your CNS (central nervous system) could tolerate.

Although it may be the last thing you want to do, the most effective tactic right now would be to reinstate sertraline at a low dose, 12.5 mg. If you want to be more conservative, you could try 6.25 mg. Some discussion topics that explain reinstatement and what's happening in your CNS:
About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms
How your brain responds to psychiatric drugs - aka "Brain remodeling"
Youtube video, 4 minutes: Healing from antidepressants
 

 

If you reinstate sertraline, it will take 7-10 for your body to get used to the reintroduced dose. Symptoms may continue for weeks after that. At some point you'll stabilize and you'll want to think about gradually tapering off sertraline again, more slowly this time I hope ;)  We suggest that people decrease by no more than 10% once every 4 weeks to minimize the risk of symptoms and to mitigate the severity of symptoms should they arise.  Here are links to 2 discussion topics relevant to your situation:
Why taper by 10% of my dosage?
Tips for tapering off Zoloft (sertraline)

 

I hope you'll find the information in the SA forums helpful for your situation. I'm sorry that you are in the position that you need the information, but am glad that you found us.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.
1997-1999 Effexor; 2002-2005 Effexor XR 37.5 mg linear taper, dropping same #beads/week with bad results

Cymbalta 60 mg 2012 - 2015; 2016: 20 mg to 7 mg exact doses and dates in this post; 2017: 6.3 mg to  0.0 mg  Aug. 12; details here


scallywag's Introduction
Online spreadsheet for dose taper calculations and nz11's THE WORKS spreadsheet

Link to comment

Thanks for replying guys.

 

Is RI and a taper likely to help/prevent PSSD? Should I really be tapering off of 6mg for a month just to get to 5.4mg? I haven't been on Zoloft for long...

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

You've been off Zoloft for only 2 weeks. The sooner after last dose a person reinstates,  the more likely it is to be effective at easing symptoms.

 

PSSD isn't well understood -- causes or treatments or factors that affect recovery. If PSSD is the symptom that concerns you most, you would be best to read our topic about that and to connect with groups or sites that focus on that issue, one or two of which are listed in the topic. PSSD topic in Symptoms forum.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.
1997-1999 Effexor; 2002-2005 Effexor XR 37.5 mg linear taper, dropping same #beads/week with bad results

Cymbalta 60 mg 2012 - 2015; 2016: 20 mg to 7 mg exact doses and dates in this post; 2017: 6.3 mg to  0.0 mg  Aug. 12; details here


scallywag's Introduction
Online spreadsheet for dose taper calculations and nz11's THE WORKS spreadsheet

Link to comment

Hey Whydid,

 

I'm similar to you. Went on celexa for only a couple months, but the side effects were awful and making other health problems worse so I cut my dose in half. Been in pretty bad withdrawal since, and my taper schedule will now take about a year.

 

Lost my gf because I've been really suicidal since the side effects kicked in (nearly did it twice, so it was best we ended, but still kills me that I had to do it). I'm also at college (22 y/o), which is a struggle in its self, especially since my appetite, metabolism, and hormones are all pretty screwed by now; can't drink, concentrate, sleep, date, etc. Have mild pssd, comes and goes.

 

I know it feels like a prison. I can't exercise at all (I was a decent rower for my school), can't drink (GI tract is so bad), have a hard time being social, etc...all the things I use to enjoy/define myself by are essentially gone. It kills me inside to be so young and so sick.

 

RI helped me. I'm not nearly as horrible as I was a couple months ago because of it. So if you're clawing your eyes out in misery, it may be worth it. But it may take time to take effect (took me 2 months). 

 

I don't have much advice for you, as I'm dealing (poorly) with a similar situation. I've been looking into coping with chronic illness, as that is essentially what this is.

 

Wishing you the best. Hope we both make it out of this.

4/24/16: 20 mg citalopram

8/1/16: 15 mg

8/22/16: 10 mg

9/16/16: reinstated to 12 mg

12/1/16: 11 mg

2/20/17: 10 mg

11/20/17: CT, med free

1/18/18: began regimen (keto, synthroid, supps, etc.)

11/21/18: off keto, lowered synthroid, began exercise

2/07/19: off synthroid/all supps

4/15/19: began tirosint (clean version of synthroid, with less side effects)

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...
  • Moderator

Hey Why - 

 

I've been reading up about "molly," "Ecstasy" and MDMA, wondering at the "therapeutic value" originally touted by this drug.  What I remember from the 80's and 90's (there was talk of using it in therapy at that time, to induce "emotional openness.") bears no resemblance to the street today.

 

Unfortunately what is happening on the street now, is that a lot of different drug compounds are being touted as "molly" or "E," and are very unlikely to be MDMA.  Less than 20% of what is on the street is actual MDMA, because the other compounds are much easier and more profitable to make - and kids will buy anything.  Greed rules.  

 

I'm not saying that MDMA is safe (we worried about brain damage from the "pure" stuff in the 80's)  - I am saying that even the party heads are carrying test kits to verify that they are getting what they paid for.  This blows my mind, as that is a real buzz-kill.  Want some Molly?  I dunno, let me buy one and test it first.  Nah, man, it's just amphetamine, MDA, MDE, or bogus, etc.).   What this drives home to me is that you were lucky.

 

Apparently, people are getting killed, damaged, and ruined by what is happening on the streets with these things.

 

During the last part of the taper I felt wonderful (almost, will explain later)! Very little anxiety, feelings back, libido and abilities back! That lasted 4 days after the last 1/4 pill.

 

This is so classic - it is why we have difficulty getting people to reinstate - because they remember this as "the feeling off the drugs," when really, it is a bit of a hypomanic state as the chemical is leaving the body, but the brain and body are still adapting to the changes in neurotransmitters - hence the crash afterwards.  The body caught up to the lack of the chemical.

 

It takes 4 days for a change in blood serum to register, and the changes that the drugs make - much like the "Molly" made to you (I hesitate to call it MDMA) - restructured the way your brain chemistry processes emotion.

 

The good side of this is - that glimpse you had - just 4 days - is a glimpse of what your life can be like free of the drugs, and a clear sign that you are capable of healing from this.

 

I am constantly ruminating, can't concentrate, I am riddled with fear and am extremely anxious. I'm barely eating. 

 

You will be helped by seeing a list of common withdrawal symptoms - you can use this to track your own symptoms, or just to check to see if your symptom is "common" or not:  Dr. Joseph Glenmullen's Most Common symptoms of Withdrawal

 

For this set of symptoms, I recommend this:  Dr. Claire Weekes - Recovering from a Sensitized Nervous System

 

And the worst part seems to be the beggining of PSSD.

 

Nope, this is just a temporary side effect or symptom.  Chances are very good that it will get better, but if you attach to it and catastrophize about it (I know, it's your sexuality, it's difficult not to!), you can increase the chances of a self fulfilling prophecy.  PSSD is a difficult condition, and you won't know you are there until you've been out from under the drug for at least a year.  Even then, people are healing from this symptom 3 years out, or longer.

 

A good affirmation for this:  It's only a temporary symptom, only a side effect.  It will get better.  

Most of the time, it does.  But it does take time, patience, and it helps to have a toolkit full of Non Drug Techniques for Coping with Emotional Symptoms

 

How do I cope? Is it even worth it? I feel my life is over before it even started...

 

I agree with Scallywag, you are a good candidate for a tiny reinstatement.  It has been just a short time since your last dose, and I would suggest a conservative reinstatement of 6.25 mg.  You can always increase it later if you feel strongly that it is not enough - but as you have astutely noted, the higher the dose, the longer the taper.

 

Is RI and a taper likely to help/prevent PSSD? Should I really be tapering off of 6mg for a month just to get to 5.4mg? I haven't been on Zoloft for long... 

 

It's not essential, but look at your list of symptoms (use the Glenmullen list above to help you).  If you are having symptoms that you feel you cannot live with, then reinstatement would be wise.  It is not a cure, or even a fix, it just takes the edge off the worst of your symptoms.  Unfortunately, sexual function is affected on and off the drug - but I assure you that there are people here who would consider that a minor consideration in the scheme of things.  It may be worth letting go of your sexuality for a time, to get your head & emotions back in line.  The brain is an important sex organ, too.

 

You haven't taken Zoloft for long - but it really only takes between one tablet and 2 weeks to change your brain chemistry.  What you are suffering is not classical withdrawal - like with heroin where your body craves the chemical - it is more like a Zenga tower that has had all the bottom blocks pulled out.  A reinstatement improves your foundation so that you can heal.  You were on the drug for about 3-4 months, and you were changing doses going on, as well as changing doses coming off.

 

Each change in dose is a destabilisation, and can have repercussions 3-6 months out.  so the changes you experience going onto the drug in July - were mostly adjusted by October.  The changes you made coming off the drug in November - will continue to "rattle" out of your system for another 3-6 months.  A reinstatement is like a cable to keep you from rappelling right to the bottom of the cliff - so that you can control your taper the rest of the way down.

 

Please - I'm guessing about these dates, please Please Put Your WIthdrawal History Into your Signature.  Please use doses and actual dates, as best as possible, since "four weeks ago" has very little meaning in a few months time.

 

Also - you will note that the drug doesn't come in the doses you need to taper down.  The safest, most accurate way to do this is with a liquid taper:

How to Make a Liquid from Tablets or Capsule

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/235-using-an-oral-syringe-and-other-tapering-techniques/

 

You can let yourself drop to the bottom, and hope for the best, or you can intervene and help yourself down in your own time, when you are ready, and in control of your symptoms.  You will get better if you don't reinstate - but it may take longer, or be more painful.

 

Either way, you will get better, but if it were me, I'd reinstate to avoid the worst of the symptoms.  

 

Let us know what you decide to do, and if we can help.

"Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna

 

Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again.

 

My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices.

 

A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia.   CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013.   Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine).     Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 -  Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years  on Lithium).  Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made.


The tedious thread (my intro):  JanCarol ☼ Reboxetine first, then Lithium

The happy thread (my success story):  JanCarol - Undiagnosed  Off all bipolar drugs

My own blog:  https://shamanexplorations.com/shamans-blog/

 

 

I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016!

Link to comment

Thanks for the information and support guys. But, at least now, I don't think I'll reinstate. I'm not doing as bad as other people in this forum. A lot of it boils down to attitude I found. I believe I can be happy down the road, I just need to work towards it one day at a time. I believe I will become a success story, however painful it might be along the way!

Link to comment

hi :) taking it one day at a time is a great approach man. I used to have a tally sheet for each day i survived when it was really bad, you will probably have good periods and bad ones as you go through this. Best of luck my friend

Paxil 2007-2012, somnolence for a few months so quit, anxiety gets severe again, put on citalopram (horrible reaction). Used august 2013-September 2013, quit and doctor reinstates paxil (reaction again ) on from sep to dec. Quit cold turkey and suffer problems to this day

 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use Privacy Policy