☼ Rbvdk: PGAD/PSSD or OCD?

[Healthanxiety101]

Very good to read someone going through something similar as I am, but coming through the other side healed!

 

Hope you continue to feel well. I think I sent you a PM a while ago regarding this issue. 

 

Well done! 👍🏻

[Rbvdk]

Long story short: I smoked weed for the first time, 5 out of 9 days, felt fine until the last day where my pgad suddenly came back once the high was gone. It's now on and off but slowly becoming more frequent. Am I getting new withdrawals from the weed or is this just a very bad flare from new stress/chemicals that'll chill soon?

--

Long story:

So I'm dumb... I really need some help if anyone can pitch in...

I smoked weed for the first time on 31/5/21 and again the next day. I took a 1 day break and then smoked again for another 2 days.

 

I only smoked once or twice in the day and inbetween these times I started getting anxiety, worse earworm and very slight pgad while wiping. Took a 3 day break and was TOTALLY fine.

 

So I smoked again on 8/6, but once the high had ended, I had a pgad flare that lasted 24 hours. For the next week I flared on and off (mostly triggered by something). Until the 20th where I woke up with it for NO reason and had it ALL day. From then on I've been waking up with PGAD and flaring all day (some days being a bit better than others). I have no idea what to think. Why at first was the pgad on and off but is now constant throughout this week?

 

In the first 6 months on my celexa withdrawals, the pgad would come on and off but slowly get worse. At 6 months it peaked and it was on and off for 2 years only this time it got better (the gaps between got much longer and triggers went away until I was 99% healed in September 2020). Could this be happening again? Am I going through a brand new set of withdrawals?? Am I gonna get worse and worse and peak at 6 months from now?? The confusing pattern is so similar to my celexa withdrawals and I'm terrified.

[Rbvdk]

Returning symptoms so far:

- worse earworm (was getting much quieter and not happening so often before)

- worse tinnitus (now in both ears and louder)

- pgad (almost constant with flare ups) and returning variations and triggers

- loose yellow stools

- butt pain

- weird burning and stinging in legs and pelvic area

- sensitive bladder

 

These didn't come straight away or all at once, they're returning gradually and this is very similar to the beginning of my 2018 withdrawals. Am I gonna continue getting worse? Am I gonna have this for another 3 years? 😓

[Rbvdk]

- false fullness in bladder

- crawling sensations in pelvic area

[Driksdog]

Hi! 

I saw ur post. First very sad to read that u got a kind of crash. I am going to the same sh... I was much better last autumn. For me it wasn't weed I just smoked cigarettes after I quit it 4 month ago and improved a lot. After 3 to 4 weeks not more then 5 cigs a day again..., I experienced a huge setback and more. I got symptoms I never had before. Things are very bad now. I guess for me it was the interaction of tabac smoke with the glutamate and dopamin in my brain (I had KETAMIN injections too). I feel very sh.... about it because now it was me and my idiotic behavior what killed the healing process. 

Total understand u. Sorry for the worsening. I hope we can overcome it again. 

Greetings dog

[DinaDina]

I'm so sorry that you're suffering again. How are you feeling now?

[Driksdog]

Hi DinaDina! 

I am not so sure if u meant me Or RbvdK?! Anyway it isn't my Thread. For me it's still very sh*tty. 

Greetings Dog 

[DinaDina]

Hi Driksdog! I meant Rbvdk🙂 But I'm sorry about your issues too.

[Rbvdk]

Hi @DinaDenmark I'm still not doing good sadly. But thank you for asking, it helps a lot just knowing people are here reading my thread so I'm not alone. 

 

@Driksdog I'm so sorry you're going through the same thing! Do you feel like yours is getting better or worse? And do you have windows and waves as if it's withdrawals? For me, mine seems to be getting worse quickly and I've only had it for a month.

[Rbvdk]

Btw, for anyone interested, I used an app to documented my symptoms every day for 2 years to see what my withdrawal healing process would look like. I started it in October 2018 just when it hit the hardest (although I had mild symptoms since I began withdrawal in February 2018).

 

This chart was purely for my pgad and I had 5 levels:

Good days where I would maybe feel sensitivity but no pgad feelings or flares. I'd rate the max pgad level as 0.5/10

Ok days where I'd have some sensitivity or feelings or a mild flare. Typically around 3/10

Meh days where I'd either feel mild pgad all day or have more flares. 4-5/10 but longer durations.

Bad days where I'd have intense flares and/or more intense pgad the entire day. Around 7/10

Awful days where I'd have unbearable flare ups and/or unbearable pgad the entire day, usually on these days I'm very easily triggered and can shoot up to an almost SO. Usually an 8/10 - 10/10

 

I was very lucky because although I often had very bad flare ups, according to this chart, my average was "ok" although I know I did have to be extremely careful because those "ok" days could have easily turned bad due to constantly sensitivity.

[Driksdog]

Hi! 

Honestly it went very bad for 4 month or so. Every improvement I had slowly disappeared. Back was brainfog, aphaty, no sex drive. Add total exhausted and absolutely no energy. The worest since I quit abilify. And I got new symptoms like flu like feelings, antz on back, very sensetive to sounds (even very quiet sounds gave me pain) and not to forget headpressure and pain like hell. Sometimes it felt like someone but acid on my brain. 

Now I got the feeling I am better again. 7 month later. Far from where I was. Pfff idk what to believe. This is voodoo sickness. I smoked for 4 weeks/ around 5 cigs a day. But I read it acts on dopa and gluta. And it's a strong neurotoxin. I still hope it was just a worsening for a short period. But it's very heavy. Also when u are over 1 year out of meds and almost healed. 

I wish u the best

Greetings dog 

 

Ps

I asked around if anyone got a similar experience but no one ever answered. I just found ur story. And u smoked pot. 

[Rbvdk]

I can't seem to upload my 2020 chart

[Rbvdk]

Here's 2020 I found it interesting how the bad months actually got worse (although it doesn't show it well in the chart) and the ok months looked a little hopeless because they weren't as good at January 2018, but then it was like a sudden improvement. I stopped recording after this and continued to feel almost perfect until the weed.

 

Hope this helps anyone who is having weird windows and waves like I did!

[Rbvdk]

8 minutes ago, Driksdog said:

Hi! 

Honestly it went very bad for 4 month or so. Every improvement I had slowly disappeared. Back was brainfog, aphaty, no sex drive. Add total exhausted and absolutely no energy. The worest since I quit abilify. And I got new symptoms like flu like feelings, antz on back, very sensetive to sounds (even very quiet sounds gave me pain) and not to forget headpressure and pain like hell. Sometimes it felt like someone but acid on my brain. 

Now I got the feeling I am better again. 7 month later. Far from where I was. Pfff idk what to believe. This is voodoo sickness. I smoked for 4 weeks/ around 5 cigs a day. But I read it acts on dopa and gluta. And it's a strong neurotoxin. I still hope it was just a worsening for a short period. But it's very heavy. Also when u are over 1 year out of meds and almost healed. 

I wish u the best

Greetings dog 

 

I'm glad to hear it didn't last as long as your withdrawals at least, 4 months of that is still horrible though, I'm sorry you went through that. Did you slowly start to improve after the 4 months? From what I've found after anxiously searching online for other people's experiences is when things like weed (and probably cigs too) flare it up, it does usually only last a few months (not years like usual protracted withdrawal). So it seems hopeful that you're gonna continue feeling better.

 

I wish you the best of luck too and thanks for sharing your experience with me. If I have any positive changes I'll let you know.

[Driksdog]

Hey! 

Thank you for ur post. It was strange because I got very quick bad reactions but some improvements stayed. Like a bit sex drive. Then all disappeared after 3 month or so and I felt very sick. After 4 month the horrible pressure improved a bit. Now I am better this way. But I still got strong anhedonia and very low sex drive. It's a horrible state. I feel like a crippled zombie again. 

Greetings 

[Rbvdk]

13 hours ago, Driksdog said:

Hey! 

Thank you for ur post. It was strange because I got very quick bad reactions but some improvements stayed. Like a bit sex drive. Then all disappeared after 3 month or so and I felt very sick. After 4 month the horrible pressure improved a bit. Now I am better this way. But I still got strong anhedonia and very low sex drive. It's a horrible state. I feel like a crippled zombie again. 

Greetings 

I hope you feel better soon

[Driksdog]

Hey! 

Thank you. Wish u the same. 

Greetings dog 

[Healthanxiety101]

If smoking is bringing on your symptoms, then it must relate to your nervous system and the way them drugs make you feel. Cigs or pot, both are drugs. 

 

Personally I use both from time to time and pot has helped me with this problem. 

 

From everything I have researched and experienced, this problem takes some time to heal with MANY MANY ups and downs. Could have a good week, then 2 bad weeks and vice versa. It seems so random. One thing I know for sure is the anxiety and mental stress around it 100% makes it worse. 

 

 

[Driksdog]

Hi! 

Honestly I just feel shxx. I got an AP. And since it I am emotionally blunted. The worst what can happen to an human not to FEEL. Unhuman zombie. I don't feel any kind of warmness, love, cosy.... Also such thinks like anxiety are not a problem here. 

And cig smoking bring it all back after a few improvements last autumn. This time I couldn't imagine that I ll ever be normal again. 

Wish u the best! 

Dog

[Healthanxiety101]

Hang in there! It will get better. I went through this once before when I was on citalopram back in 2015. Its absolutely horrible, literally like torture. 

 

Be pro active, I know its hard but what I've found that helps the most is just going about life as normal as possible. Fighting through the feelings.

 

I've been doing pelvic floor exercises which helps to stretch the area, but all in all I believe this to be as much mental as it is physical. 

 

State of mind can definitely help, or make it worse!

 

Stay strong, you got this!

 

It WILL get better.

[Healthanxiety101]

Also constantly being aware of the area/problem and searching on the Internet, asking for reassurance etc...all of that reinforces the fact that you think somethings wrong, which is turn makes your brain tell that area of your body somethings wrong, which then makes it go on high alert shall we say. 

 

So Your always aware and paying attention to that area.

 

It can be beaten, quite a few people on here have beaten it more than once!

 

I'm all for helping everyone but things like keeping a record of how intense your symptoms are, every single day, is NOT going to help you. 

 

It's just keep it relevant in your mind and you think about it more.

 

The bottoms line for me is this...

 

Get yourself checked out by a doctor, have some tests...blood test and a scan of the bladder area to make sure nothing else is going on.

 

Then if you get the all clear, which literally all of us who have got these tests have, then you can be assured it isn't anything sinister.

 

It's an unfortunate and absolutely debilitating side effect of anti depressants. Not everyone will get it but for those of us who do we need to remember it WILL NOT last for ever. 

 

The hardest part is letting go and accepting nothing is wrong...

 

This mindset coupled with meditation  and the exercises I mentioned really do provide some relief. Over the weekend I had times it didn't bother me at all, which was a first in 7 months!

 

We can do this guys, stay positive!

[Driksdog]

Hi healthyanx! 

Thank u so far. Hope u are right. I ll try.

Greetings from doggy

[Healthanxiety101]

Like I said, good days and bad days but keep positive we will beat this! All of us.

 

 

 

 

[Driksdog]

Hey!

Sorry I have to ask this. Why u took the ssri again after u experienced this horrible state back in the days? 

Dog

[Healthanxiety101]

I should of learnt my lesson, I even said to the doctor who gave them what problem they gave me.

 

I took them because my partner had just gave birth to my 3rd child, my stress was at an all time high and I felt like killing myself.

 

I did it for my children.

[Rbvdk]

On 7/12/2021 at 11:56 AM, Healthanxiety101 said:

Also constantly being aware of the area/problem and searching on the Internet, asking for reassurance etc...all of that reinforces the fact that you think somethings wrong, which is turn makes your brain tell that area of your body somethings wrong, which then makes it go on high alert shall we say. 

 

So Your always aware and paying attention to that area.

 

It can be beaten, quite a few people on here have beaten it more than once!

 

I'm all for helping everyone but things like keeping a record of how intense your symptoms are, every single day, is NOT going to help you. 

 

It's just keep it relevant in your mind and you think about it more.

 

The bottoms line for me is this...

 

Get yourself checked out by a doctor, have some tests...blood test and a scan of the bladder area to make sure nothing else is going on.

 

Then if you get the all clear, which literally all of us who have got these tests have, then you can be assured it isn't anything sinister.

 

It's an unfortunate and absolutely debilitating side effect of anti depressants. Not everyone will get it but for those of us who do we need to remember it WILL NOT last for ever. 

 

The hardest part is letting go and accepting nothing is wrong...

 

This mindset coupled with meditation  and the exercises I mentioned really do provide some relief. Over the weekend I had times it didn't bother me at all, which was a first in 7 months!

 

We can do this guys, stay positive!

 

Thank you, I totally agree with this! 🙂 I know I shouldn't be keeping track tbh, especially as it made me very anxious last time and hardly told me anything up until the last half of the last year, but I remember I'd regret not tracking it whenever I'd miss it, so now I'm torn lol. Like even now I sometimes regret not tracking it when it first started although that definitely would have made me feel worse at the time.

 

I have recently noticed that both anxiety and depression are playing a role in triggering it and the severity. This month feels better than the last and I've noticed that if I'm feeling anxiety or depression, I'll get a flare up from one of my triggers, whereas on a good mindset day, those triggers won't bother me at all or as severely. It's definitely all linked (which makes sense if it's the same brain chemicals etc being effected).

 

I'm so glad to hear you're starting to get some relief! Which pelvic exercises are you doing if it's ok to ask? Do you have a specific video or guide you follow?

 

Take care!! 🙂

[Rbvdk]

On 7/12/2021 at 12:38 PM, Healthanxiety101 said:

I should of learnt my lesson, I even said to the doctor who gave them what problem they gave me.

 

I took them because my partner had just gave birth to my 3rd child, my stress was at an all time high and I felt like killing myself.

 

I did it for my children.

I just want to say that that's incredibly brave and noble of you. I can't imagine how hard that decision must have been for you and the fact you did it for your children just shows what an amazing parent you are. They're very lucky to have you and I wish you so much luck to heal from this asap so you can have the life you deserve! 🙂

[Healthanxiety101]

23 minutes ago, Rbvdk said:

 

Thank you, I totally agree with this! 🙂 I know I shouldn't be keeping track tbh, especially as it made me very anxious last time and hardly told me anything up until the last half of the last year, but I remember I'd regret not tracking it whenever I'd miss it, so now I'm torn lol. Like even now I sometimes regret not tracking it when it first started although that definitely would have made me feel worse at the time.

 

I have recently noticed that both anxiety and depression are playing a role in triggering it and the severity. This month feels better than the last and I've noticed that if I'm feeling anxiety or depression, I'll get a flare up from one of my triggers, whereas on a good mindset day, those triggers won't bother me at all or as severely. It's definitely all linked (which makes sense if it's the same brain chemicals etc being effected).

 

I'm so glad to hear you're starting to get some relief! Which pelvic exercises are you doing if it's ok to ask? Do you have a specific video or guide you follow?

 

Take care!! 🙂

I will message you the link to the videos I use and I got a small rubber ball off amazon. Its called a beenax ball, about the size of your palm and you sit on it or rub your butt cheeks up and down it to release tension 🤣 

 

It does help, but when your in the middle of a flare it seems hopeless, but it isn't. It all contributes to healing. The physio I spoke too said its very important you do these exercises every day, 3x a day. 

 

I totally agree with the mental side of things, good days and bad days seem to coincide with stress/anxiety levels and the general focus on it. 

 

It's hard to let go of as it's such a horrible thing but it can be done. Plenty of people have healed on this site from the same condition. 

 

I think time is the biggest healer but these exercises do help. 

[Healthanxiety101]

Also I don't know if this effects you but any sort of sexual activity seems to flare my symptoms for a week or so. 

 

I've seen a few other people mention the same thing but yeah try and avoid that sort of thing as best you can haha.

[Rbvdk]

Currently having a panic attack :"(

So for the past 2 nights I've woken up in the night with pgad. I've never had this before. First it was waking up in the morning with it which wasn't normal for me (based on last time) but now it's suddenly this?

I'm getting worse each month, just like last time. And this scares me because last time was mild at first and slowly got worse before hitting me badly a few months later. Is this my "mild"? I can't live with it happening again and even worse. I'm so scared that this is going to last even longer than last time as well as be worse.

I saw something called the kindling effect with withdrawals and I feel like this could be me.

I just don't understand why it gets worse? Is it some kind of progressive autoimmune disease?? Especially as, my pgad could always get to a 9/10 level even during the best months of healing, it would just happen less. Was I really healing if it was still severe when it did happen?

 

I don't know what to do. The only thing that helped me cope last time was that "at least I don't get it at night". How can I cope if I'm going to have this 24/7??

[Rbvdk]

I'm gonna go on one of my ADHD panic ramble here... It's 5am and I feel so alone and scared. The only thing helping slightly is a guided meditation. I hate myself so much for smoking weed. I know I genuinely didn't think it would do anything to me (and especially not longterm - like, a flare up at worst), but why did I even risk it? It didn't even feel much different from my normal state tbh... and each time I went to do it again I was hesitant for that reason, because I didn't need it. And yet I cared more about "Well it costed money so I gotta use it." Ugh, I hate myself so much. I can't believe I'm getting worse. My OCD is acting up like crazy too.

 

I'm scared because this is has been my pattern:

Takes paxil for a week: very mild pgad (literally just had 2 tiny flares).

Takes citalopram (20-30mg) for over 2 years (before coming off and going back on 2 months later): mild pgad that suddenly became mild/medium pgad with rare severe flares, only slight improvement throughout a year.

Takes citalopram 20mg for just over 1 year: medium pgad that became sudden severe pgad with frequent flare ups, the worst of it lasting 3 years.

 

So even though I was on a lower dose and was taking it for less time, I still ended up worse than the last time? I even tappared slower too. I don't think being on citalopram the first time made much difference, although I'll never know for sure. And I'll never know how long it'd have lasted since I withdrew again during those withdrawal. But there were some improvements a lot sooner than my 2nd time. But still, it's gotten worse each time... which means this will be worse and longer than last time. And I wouldn't have believed that but it is definitely already worse than last time... :"(

[BfromNJ]

On 7/28/2021 at 5:08 AM, Healthanxiety101 said:

I will message you the link to the videos I use and I got a small rubber ball off amazon. Its called a beenax ball, about the size of your palm and you sit on it or rub your butt cheeks up and down it to release tension 🤣 

 

It does help, but when your in the middle of a flare it seems hopeless, but it isn't. It all contributes to healing. The physio I spoke too said its very important you do these exercises every day, 3x a day. 

 

I totally agree with the mental side of things, good days and bad days seem to coincide with stress/anxiety levels and the general focus on it. 

 

It's hard to let go of as it's such a horrible thing but it can be done. Plenty of people have healed on this site from the same condition. 

 

I think time is the biggest healer but these exercises do help. 

Hello.  Can you send me the link to the exercises as well?  Id really appreciate it. 

[Driksdog]

Hey Rbvdk! 

Total agree with you. I suffer like hell every single day since smoking crash. I got brain and backburning like it's on fire. 

Can't believe that this few weeks were enough to crash me like this. 

By the way I had alot of tests. Everytime with zero results ofc. 

Greetings 

[Rbvdk]

Last night was horrible.. woke up from a spontaneous orgasm. I've had these before when I last had pgad but it was usually early morning 3-6am and happened very rarely and usually only just before my period and I think sometimes during ovulation. Whereas I'm neither of those things and this happened at 11pm. My bladder became irritated and spasmy, I was flaring badly until almost 2am before I finally fell back to sleep. Woke up this morning and the flare is back again.

Worst part is, it's my birthday, and I already have a lot of emotional issues around this time anyways so this actually just drove me to the point of considering suicide for the first time in a long while.

 

It's almost been 3 months since I got this back and it's never been this bad. I don't think it was even ever this bad last time. I am getting windows thankfully (5 days each time so far), but the waves are longer and this wave is 10x worse than the last ones. What does this mean?? Am I going to continue getting worse?? Please someone tell me it doesn't get worse, I can't cope like this. 😢 I've never had such bad pgad... I'm terrified I'm going to start getting spontaneous orgasms 24/7 and be in absolute agony... the worst part is, nothing relieves it!!! And I don't dare take any kind of medication. I have PTSD from the last times that I had it and I can feel myself being traumatised by this time too. 😢

[Rbvdk]

On 8/19/2021 at 3:03 PM, Driksdog said:

Hey Rbvdk! 

Total agree with you. I suffer like hell every single day since smoking crash. I got brain and backburning like it's on fire. 

Can't believe that this few weeks were enough to crash me like this. 

By the way I had alot of tests. Everytime with zero results ofc. 

Greetings 

Hey! Are you not getting windows? The first year is always the worst so they might not be so noticeable. By the way, I noticed in your signature that this wave hit 6 months after you became drug free... for me, I was hit with the worst waves 6 months after both times of being drug free. I also noticed other people had this experience (although I've tried to search for them again and can't find them again). Do you think this could have been the case and that smoking was just a coincidence?

 

I'm sorry you're suffering Are there any improvements at all? Sometimes it's easy to forget the improvements during a wave, especially when old things resurface. What kind of tests did you get?

 

Take care!

[Driksdog]

Hi! 

No I don't think smoking was coincidence. I had a worsening before from it and I quit there. So I got better in 4 month. Then I was so stupid and did it again. I don't really got windows and only a very tiny gradual improvement. The worst is the aphaty and then weakness. Also headpressure and feeling like I got antz on my back. This are also symptoms I never had before. So it's a bit similar to u. 

I can't imagine to get out of this ever. My old life is light-years away now. Good to read u got windows. Sorry I can't say more to ur situation because for me it's also a big misery and a daily torture. Hope u got relief soon. 

Greetings dog