lillylou: lexapro: 3 months off

[lillylou]

Hello everyone,

 

I've been lurking on this website for a couple of days -noticed others were joining with similar stories and I felt the need to share mine. I started my ssri journey in the summer of 2014 (i believe it was the beginning) and I started taking lexapro for social anxiety. lexapro itself was actually amazing it completely lowered any anxiety I had and i felt on top of the world.

 

I took 20mg for 2.5 years total. however nearing the end I realized that like most my sex drive plummeted and I gained a significant amount of weight regardless of dieting or working out. I decided to taper off. I tapered in 5 mg increments  starting in june/july (i forget) 2016. tapers lasted 2-3 sometimes 4 weeks until i felt stable. when I got to 5 mg i tapered to 2.5 for several weeks then 0. my last dose was September 28th 2016. I have been ssri free for almost 3 months.

 

the initial wd was to be expected, headache, diarrhea, nausea etc. after about 3 weeks I was feeling great. then it went a little downhill. for the past two weeks Ive experienced multiple wd symptoms , heavy chest, nausea, worst of all crying spells. I cry all the time now. I've been pretty  depressed as well because I started college courses in the fall (monthly intake online course) and Im realizing that I cannot celebrate christmas with anyone. everyone I love and cherish will be having fun while im all alone working on assignments.

 

I know this  stress and situation is probably making the depression worse. but I cant help to feel isolated and extremely alone. I feel like im constantly having to hold back tears, the last two days before yesterday I did not cry but yesterday and today the crying spells have picked up again. 

 

I know none of you can tell me when its going to stop and I am familiar with the windows and waves theory. I guess im just posting to track my feelings and see where this horrible wd takes me. I'm relieved that im not the only one feeling this way, and I'll take solace in knowing that I have a support system.

Edited March 4, 2017 by scallywag
tags / prev: added paragraph breaks

[lillylou]

I feel horrible this morning. The thought of being alone for christmas is really getting to me. A wave of anxiety and i feel hopeless.

[AliG]

Hi Lilly .Most likely you tapered too fast and are feeling the aftershocks but it's probably not too late to reinstate just a little which could soften the blow to the CNS.

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms

 

Have a read and see what you think . This is your thread to ask questions  - please have a read around and then come back with any queries you may have and what you decide.

Welcome to SA.

Ali

[lillylou]

Im not sure if i want to reinstate. Im not sure if my anxiety is escallating bc of the holidays or bc of wd. Either way what would happen if i just continue to go the way im going?

[AliG]

At 3 months it could get better or worse. It took 9 months for my W/D symptoms to really show up after C/T.

[lillylou]

Ali thats so scary. Im so stressed about having to worry about assignments while going through this. I really hope my wd doesnt go on for that long

[KarenB]

It will be less scary if you put some good self-care in place.  See http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1112-non-drug-techniques-to-cope-with-emotional-symptoms/ and really comb through the thread, making notes of what you can do to ease your way through this.  A lot of self-care is really lovely - hot baths with epsom salts, supported yoga, guided meditaiton etc 

[lillylou]

I cant eat, i dry heave every morning and i cry all day. I feel so weak and tired . Every morning i wake up with a wave of anxiety at night i feel better. I just want to stop crying . Its so hard

[lillylou]

Is anyone else trying the non reinstatement route? I want to know if anyones been successful just trying to wait it out?

[DaddyCee]

Hi Lilly,

 

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time at present. I just wanted to say that it does get better.  It will take time and unfortunately everyone is different as to the length that it will take, but it will improve, you will improve and I would recommend sticking with it if you truly want to be free from these drugs.

 

You were on them for a relatively short time, so I would hope that your journey will be shorter than most, but please bear in mind that this journey is not linear, you will have good and bad periods, but soon the good periods will far outweigh the bad.

 

I hope this goes a little way to helping you feel better.  Take care of yourself and Merry Christmas.

 

Peace,

 

DC.

[lillylou]

Thanks DC, I really hope i get some windows soon. this wave is horrible I woke up again and dry heaved , mornings seem to be the worst.

[lillylou]

Today is bad. Nausea, crying. My sister is coming to take care of me. Im crying because tomorrow my boyfriend is talking my dog to his place for xmas. Should be me going with them,but i have too many assignments and this wdl is making it worse. Im pretty depressed right now.

 

Has anyone felt a home sick feeling constantly its what this feels like.

[Flowers]

Hi Lillylou

 

I just wanted to write and say you will not be alone at Christmas because you have us! I understand completely what you are going through. I can remember it being a shock when WD first hit me and  I so desperately wanted to get on with my life too.  My world had come crashing down around me.The crippling symptoms stopped me doing anything for a while and I just had to accept it. There wasn't any quick fix. It was very scary though.

 

I know it will be hard being away from your boyfriend and dog but it is only for a week and you will have your sister with you. I hope you will feel up to doing your work and then you will feel so much better having achieved  your deadline.  This pressure is not helping your CNS at the moment I feel.

 

There are things you can do to make life a little easier for yourself. Maybe try some relaxing techniques. I used to make myself go for a short walk everyday and this helped a lot too. Also anything that distracted me from thinking about myself - your assignments could prove useful with this. Try to accept that you can get better with patience.

 

As for the nausea - if you can try not to have an empty stomach by eating a little and often this might make you feel better. Just eat what you can swallow. My husband virtually made me eat and believe me I didn't want to. I had nausea and no appetite and the longer it went on the more nauseous I felt. 

 

I know it seems that you will be like this forever. I felt the same but decided to accept I wasn't very well and learnt coping mechanisms for when I feel bad. Slowly things started to improve and symptoms either lessened or disappeared.  There is hope you will be the same.  I am still tapering from my drug but have learnt how to manage most of the things that come my way. It's not easy but I am a much stronger person for it.

 

We will have a New Year soon and a new beginning. I am sure if you put your mind to it you can get through this.

 

I wish you well.

 

Flowers xxx 

[lillylou]

Flowers your response made me cry. (Surprised I have any tears left) youre right, im surprised at how quickly this hit me. Looking back I see the signs. This wave slowly started with a heavy chest feeling and a hard time breathing that lasted a week which was probably the ending of nov beginning of dec (i thought i had heart issues. I also remembee being angry at work. Then i felt really teary eyed like i could cry at work but when i got home for the life of me i could not cry for 1 weeks beginning of dec(weird right?) now im at the worst of it started on dec 12th and escalated to symtoms like described above. I do believe the school/season is extremely affecting my CNS. This last month is killing me

Today I could eat more not much but better than yesterday. Im hoping that because this is the first real wave that itll pass soon. I have until mid jan to get my **** together before work starts up again. Im hoping that after next week passes ill be on a better track. Ill just have to take it day by day I really dont know what id do without this forum. I frequent reddit but the only PAWS threads are about benzos or alcohol, not ssri's.

 

---You know come to think of it i came home from work once and completely bawled my eyes out about a stupid thought to my boyfriend. But i felt instantly better. That happened about a month ago i think?.--- the signs are real

[Flowers]

Sorry, didn't meant to make you cry!

 

You seem to be a bit calmer in your last post which is a good sign.

 

Like you say just take each day at a time and keep posting to let us know how you are doing over the holidays.

 

xxx Flowers

[lillylou]

It was good tears! Thanks I really appreciate your message:)

[lillylou]

Todays update

Last night i felt better, this morning was pretty bad again extreme nausea, also first night i didnt sleep well. Hopfully that was a one night thing. It seems that in the evenings i get windows but but mornings/early afternoons i cant do much. I also noticed that im getting blurry vision and bad memory- maybe its related to me not eating or maybe its more wd symptoms. Still experiencing crying spells

[AliG]

LIlly . Any thoughts on reinstating ?  If it were me I would RI  just a little to take the " edge off ".  I'm 2 years 7 months off C/T and it's been a long road. I was too late at 9 months but you're in the window of a possible successful reinstatement.  What do you think ?

[lillylou]

How long were you on ssri's for? Im terrified of reinstating and making it worse. Ive been on lex for 2.5 years im praying that it hasnt been long enough for me to suffer for so long

[AliG]

I was on & off for 20 years but it doesn't make a lot of difference as the brain changes/ adapts quite quickly. That's ok - stay the course. if you want - It's just that it could be a rocky road.  Hopefully , it will be fine. 

[lillylou]

Thanks for the advice ali, I'll see how i feel in the new year. If its worse or just as bad ill take reinstatement into consideration for sure. Im starting to have windows in the afternoon and evening which is hopeful for me

[lillylou]

Todays update

I woke up feeling pretty good today, just a little lightheaded. yesterday I had a long window, even regained hunger

 

Although I experienced extreme irritability yesterday and today it seems. But i havent cried yet

[Flowers]

Hope you manage to have a Merry Christmas Day with your sister.

 

xxxxx Flowers

[lillylou]

I hope you have a great christmas flowers

[lillylou]

I didnt cry today -thats a first. Felt like it at one point. Im still irritablethough, but ill take that over the crying spells.

I felt more like my usual self which is good, didnt dry heave either! Had a better sleep, still tossed and turned a couple times but better than the night before

 

school is still a stressor but it will always be.

 

Hope everyone is getting the best that they can out of the holidays

[lillylou]

I must be experiencing a window after that horrible 2 weeks of emotional hell tsunami wave. Hope this window lasts. I did get a little tearful but thats because im away from my significant other during the holiday so im not counting that.

 

Continuing to work on stupid assignments. Hope everyone is enjoying the day for me!

[Flowers]

Glad you managed to have a reasonably good day. 

 

Sometimes the build up to something we would rather not have to go through is worse than when you actually get there and are doing it!

 

Take care.

 

xxxxxx

[lillylou]

Thanks flowers! Thats really true, its not the best however this day will pass and is not as lonely as i thought it would be

[lillylou]

Today is okay, its really hard to tell if school or wdl has my mood down. Will be able to have a better picture after my exams in january. Hopefully this stress and holiday season will pass asap. Sick of feeling like an xmas grouch

[lillylou]

I just realized that i started taking cipralex in the summer of 2013 meaning that ive been on ssris for around 3 years not 2.5.

 

#fml

[Waiting12]

Hi Lilly,

You offered me support on my post so I thought I'd come on over to yours. Although I am quite new at this I just wanted to let you know the whole time I was on SSRIs, I didn't cry. I mean maybe a handful of times in my adult life (I started SSRIs when I was 18). However, Since i tried reinstating and **** hit the fan I have been a non stop leaky faucet. My fiance tells me that it is all the tears that I didn't cry over the years finally coming out (i don't know if that is quite true but he tries to help). I don't know if that is how it is happening for you, but i feel like i haven't experienced all these emotions in so long it feels like complete overload. Hopefully it evens out for both of us. You are doing great- keep doing what you're doing!

[pocketnurse]

Hi Lilylou

 

I too am trying to get off Lexapro, this must be my 4th attempt and it has taken me over 3 years so far but I have been on SSRIs at least 15 years. I think that the time of year can be a problem for some of us, I always struggle at Christmas with low mood and I don't know why. I find the lead up ok but from Christmas Eve until New Year I find it unbearable. I have family and friends but for some reason I feel so alone with my inner misery. it is so difficult to keep a happy face on for everyone and go through the Christmas motions when all I want to do is curl up in a little corner and stay there until it is all over.

 

Try your hardest not to give too much thought to why you feel down, it could be meds, it could be time of year or it could be your college work. Giving too much thought to why you feel like you do in order to "fix it" is unlikely to be of much use as you may not be able to identify just one cause. What is helpful is to accept that you feel the way you do at any day or any hour in the knowledge that this won't last forever and will get better over time. Give yourself what you need as much as you can for example rest, try to relax, sleep, eat what you can and when you can and take solitude if that helps.

 

You will get through this.

 

Much love.

 

PN

[lillylou]

Waiting- yes these crying spells have been so intense, on lex I dont believe I cried often, like I did but it would take a lot. Now I cry over anything, sometimes for no reason. I didnt even know I had that many tears lol

 

Pocketnurse- youre right i shouldnt fixate, although it can be hard at times im really just trying to take it one day at a time. Lexapro definately has its hug on our brains. Last xmas my cat died so im hoping next years makes up for all the bs haha.

 

Happy healing!

[lillylou]

boy these emotions are powerful, boyfriends back today, will be dropping by later to give me some belated xmas presents. I feel teary eyed because im happy, but also feel embarassed that im not stable.

 

Still have more assignments to work on-just handed in a big one. I also recieved an A on an older one that a professor marked, she wrote me a lovely comment and I got weepy. -keep it together you crazy child

 

Ive also been having nightmares, and weird excessive anxiety about things that arent even real or true. For example had a nightmare that my job fired me, woke up in a panic because I need to start searching for a new job.

 

Really hoping this sensitive sally business can finish. Until then its salt water falls.

[Flowers]

Things are good then relatively speaking- Boyfriend back with presents, excellent marks and feedback and completed an assignment!

 

You are managing things very well considering the anxiety issues. That is so fantastic Lillylou!

 

xxxx

[lillylou]

Thanks flowers, im amazed at how im keeping it all together. Gotta pat myself on the back im stronger than i think i am sometimes, I think we all are.