powerback: tapering no 2

[powerback]

1 hour ago, Leo1983 said:

PB are you still taking meds now??

Hi leo ,yep 37.5 minus 6 beads velefaxine,im stuck on them for now ,affects are sever when I drop (very sensitive) ,ive had health problems the last while witch exacerbates the situation .its quite the mess im afraid .

[Leo1983]

I dropped 2 years off on off SSRIs 3 months ago. Escitalopram was my last drug i was on it for 4 months. Stopped it over 1 week.

 

What a 3 month i have had. Anxiety and confusion is the 2 biggies. I just hope in another 3 month im better again.

 

Im trying to keep a job down and house etc. Its hardest thing i have ever come up against.

[powerback]

4 minutes ago, Leo1983 said:

I dropped 2 years off on off SSRIs 3 months ago. Escitalopram was my last drug i was on it for 4 months. Stopped it over 1 week.

 

What a 3 month i have had. Anxiety and confusion is the 2 biggies. I just hope in another 3 month im better again.

 

Im trying to keep a job down and house etc. Its hardest thing i have ever come up against.

I can imagine leo ,you will need to compartmentalize what you stress about ,be watchful for stress creaping up on you,spend time on the symptom and selfcare section and practice what helps you,

Maybe talk to mods about reintroducing if its very bad ,ide hate to see you get to burn out trying to keep all your plates in the air .

In the job ,delegate or pass on any stress you can get away with ,the mind is extremely powerful ,I practice mindfulness and it allows me to watch a certain thought overtake me and I stop it ,its not fool proof by any means.

I was ill in work lastweek and it helped me too stop my selfcritic destroy me for only being about 30% of my normal function.im only working part time but its all im able for,

clean up your diet  also ,keep learning about the body and youl get there .

Dont compare yourself to others in.this process  ,theres way too many variables in each case .

Keep your head down and chip away at it.

 

 

 

[Leo1983]

This has to be a physical thing mainly tho PB. I understand all the diet and stress etc.

 

But surely this is damage to the brain and CNS that causes all this mess.

 

If i could rewind to the 1st day i started meds i would go back there in a heartbeat. This is something else this.

[powerback]

5 minutes ago, Leo1983 said:

This has to be a physical thing mainly tho PB. I understand all the diet and stress etc.

 

But surely this is damage to the brain and CNS that causes all this mess.

 

If i could rewind to the 1st day i started meds i would go back there in a heartbeat. This is something else this.

I know leo ,its nuts isnt it ,when you get past it ,it will become the biggest lesson of your life and we will never worry about the same things that bothered us before again .

The meds never worked in an advantageous way for me ,they just froze me in time and deadened my soul .im left with PTSD now that I must figure out .saying that about 6 months before my huge crash I was doing ok and working away sometimes 6 days a week but my mind was slowly emplodeing before physically so looking back I can see it pan out .

Dont think you know it all thats my tip ,a year ago I couldn't imagine it would get this bad for me so be always watchful .

[powerback]

Ye I get you about the damage to the cns and the brain ,that's my point about the mind ,its extraordinarily powerful ,if you dont have racing thoughts or a powerful self critic running in your mind be thankful ,this process has destroyed me and im lucky im alive ,my mind over thinks everything ,its like trying to make a decision with loads of people talking over you .

You seemed to be in an ok place before the withdrawal sos hold on to that and be thankful and let this journey humble you when its all over and help others when you come out the other side .

Take care.

[Steve61]

20 minutes ago, powerback said:

be thankful and let this journey humble you when its all over and help others when you come out the other side .

I like that PB! Let this journey humble you. Humility is such a hard quality to attain. I’ve always been a know it all, wanting to win all the arguments, always thinking that I know best etc,etc. Hopefully these wd’s will give me some humility. I’ve always thought that peace and humility go hand in hand. We might look back on this one day and be glad that we went through it. That days a long way off for me though !

 

One day at a time

Steve

[Leo1983]

I was ill on the tablets aswell. The withdrawal is just the iceing on the cake.

[powerback]

15 minutes ago, Steve61 said:

I like that PB! Let this journey humble you. Humility is such a hard quality to attain. I’ve always been a know it all, wanting to win all the arguments, always thinking that I know best etc,etc. Hopefully these wd’s will give me some humility. I’ve always thought that peace and humility go hand in hand. We might look back on this one day and be glad that we went through it. That days a long way off for me though !

 

One day at a time

Steve

Ye I agree steve im the same ,it has something to do with a fractured ego ,I have things surfacing now from when I was young and im having trouble controlling it ,all the negative comments and put downs since I was young ,its like that box you put all these things into in my phsyci has been cracked opened  and its running wild like a caged animal would after its been let free .ive realised I'm my own worst enemy .ile put up a conversation I listened to about a guy that got off death row for a crime he didn't commit and the horrendous torture he put with ,its harrowing so make your own judgment about watching,the thing I took from it was he dealt with the pain by being the nicest most polite person he could be ,very interesting .Im ashamed to say lately the pain has been so bad the demon has nearly got the better off me but I need to keep fighting and be a parent to the inner child that is hurting so bad .    

[powerback]

11 minutes ago, Leo1983 said:

I was ill on the tablets aswell. The withdrawal is just the iceing on the cake.

Yep exactly but believe me when I say it can get much worse .

Take care leo ,cherish what you have ,try a gratitude journal ,this will help but I understand about anxiety ,its a tricky thing, anxiety is a curse I have had it since childhood [only realised after looking back ].im now going to grieve for my childhood rather than hate it ,I don't have the monopoly on hardship that's for sure .

Peace 🙏 

[Leo1983]

I took meds to function better at work.

 

I started the meds and ended up loosing the plot. I stopped going out, stopped seeing people, anxious, depressed etc etc.

 

Everytime i stopped i was worse. I didnt know what it was at the time so ended up on one drug after the other. Then i found out and fast tapered off.

 

Now im in this anxious daze with fear and panic i never had before meds.

 

 

[Leo1983]

Pb are you saying i could be worse than i am?

[Leo1983]

You said in your lass post about been worse.

[powerback]

1 hour ago, Leo1983 said:

You said in your lass post about been worse.

It can be yes,im not saying it will be for you so dont let you mind destroy you.as I said learn everything about your body and system.

Take care 

[Leo1983]

Im 4 month in and drug free.

 

Id like to think it fluctuates and then does 1 at some point.

[powerback]

18 minutes ago, Leo1983 said:

Im 4 month in and drug free.

 

Id like to think it fluctuates and then does 1 at some point.

Theres every possibility your a lucky one and it will Settle down sooner rather than later but we keep at it to help our odds.

Dont compare yourself to me that's for sure ,ive stresses in my life that are just multiplied in withdrawal and were there before withdrawl .it really holds me back .drug free is good ,your system will correct itself .

The mods are great for anything drug related especially.

[Leo1983]

I cold turkeyed thats my downfall.

 

I feel for you pal. My days are hard and scary at times but not as bad as some i guess.

 

I take it you have gone into withdrawal whilst on the meds. I.e they stopped working. And the more you wean down the worse you are.

 

So sad. Keep positive.

 

I now also understand you and pink know about the drugs and withdrawal but also support each other on here with other issue that are ongoing. Childhood trauma etc.

 

 

[powerback]

1 hour ago, Leo1983 said:

I cold turkeyed thats my downfall.

 

I feel for you pal. My days are hard and scary at times but not as bad as some i guess.

 

I take it you have gone into withdrawal whilst on the meds. I.e they stopped working. And the more you wean down the worse you are.

 

So sad. Keep positive.

 

I now also understand you and pink know about the drugs and withdrawal but also support each other on here with other issue that are ongoing. Childhood trauma etc.

 

 

Your not to know ,sure look at the DRs ,there ignorant and limited in there beleifs.

You give and get from the site what you want .its about suporting each other during torturous times ,I and pink have alot more support on here that just each other ,

People on this site have got me trough hell on earth .

It also depends on were each person is in there life ,my lifestyle is nothing like 6 years ago (im glad).

Im 3.8 years off alcohol ,so I dont want withdrawl to pass and go back to that lifestyle .

I cant claim to have serious childhood trauma ,(what ever the barometer is ).

Freindships develop on the site ,you dont come here expecting it ,its very hard on a person what we have to put up with ,people don't even believe me because I look well but thats all bullsh*t ,my pschci and system is in bits.

Friends in the real world will mostly disappear ,its too scary and confusing .

My partner has had enough a few times now and she has blown up at me in anger and then she calms down but im left with the fear always there shel have enough again .

Take care leo .

 

[powerback]

Hi everyone I hope yous are well 🙏

I have an appointment tomorrow  with the national health authority mental health service [HSE] and im in  no  state to be told to practice mindfulness as a way out of the situation I now am convinced I am kindled from this experience .it was truly shocking how bad my anxiety was yesterday  ,it gets to a point were the brain is destroyed and my mood is very unstable,  [im despondent this morning so excuse my manner  ].

IM finding it tricky what way to approach tomorrow ,if I go down the route of full blast "its the drugs" I don't know what resistance I will be met with ,the other problem is my doctor is insisting I go [pass the buck is all I see ].what a mess I am extremely sick because of the meds and I will be labelled  .the last few months the walls have closed in fairly close and im very scared indeed for my future ,I wasn't before until I got this sick this year .

I believe I now need to play this merry dance of compliance with my doctor because the last thing I need is a non compliance mark on me from an authority figure .

 

Any newbies reading this  don't compare yourself to this mess of mine [many variables go into a case ]

Any thoughts welcomed .

Take care .

 

[dj2010]

2 minutes ago, powerback said:

Hi everyone I hope yous are well 🙏

I have an appointment tomorrow  with the national health authority mental health service [HSE] and im in  no  state to be told to practice mindfulness as a way out of the situation I now am convinced I am kindled from this experience .it was truly shocking how bad my anxiety was yesterday  ,it gets to a point were the brain is destroyed and my mood is very unstable,  [im despondent this morning so excuse my manner  ].

IM finding it tricky what way to approach tomorrow ,if I go down the route of full blast "its the drugs" I don't know what resistance I will be met with ,the other problem is my doctor is insisting I go [pass the buck is all I see ].what a mess I am extremely sick because of the meds and I will be labelled  .the last few months the walls have closed in fairly close and im very scared indeed for my future ,I wasn't before until I got this sick this year .

I believe I now need to play this merry dance of compliance with my doctor because the last thing I need is a non compliance mark on me from an authority figure .

 

Any newbies reading this  don't compare yourself to this mess of mine [many variables go into a case ]

Any thoughts welcomed .

Take care .

 

 

hi buddy, what exactly are you going to this appointment for? is it to cope with your symptoms or for help getting off the meds? really need to find a way to get off these, they are poisoning you

 

stay strong

[powerback]

1 minute ago, dj2010 said:

 

hi buddy, what exactly are you going to this appointment for? is it to cope with your symptoms or for help getting off the meds? really need to find a way to get off these, they are poisoning you

 

stay strong

 HI DJ  its a mental health clinic ,its nothing to do with tapering ,the system doesn't acknowledge it  as we know, My DR only sees patients like me as tricky ,im not going to be combative ,I will play  the game but your correct im being poisoned ,im  far from healthy mentally even without this meds crap so I will play to that card and see what happens,itl be mindfulness and CBT theyl talk about but my big problem is how weak and slow my body is moving and my  attention span is terrible 

.ive got inferiority  issues long before meds [painful to admit].

Im very sad and emotional this morning but I wont judge it ,ile just let it out but I do have the problem of wallowing 😡

 

Take care my friend  .

[dj2010]

7 minutes ago, powerback said:

 HI DJ  its a mental health clinic ,its nothing to do with tapering ,the system doesn't acknowledge it  as we know, My DR only sees patients like me as tricky ,im not going to be combative ,I will play  the game but your correct im being poisoned ,im  far from healthy mentally even without this meds crap so I will play to that card and see what happens,itl be mindfulness and CBT theyl talk about but my big problem is how weak and slow my body is moving and my  attention span is terrible 

.ive got inferiority  issues long before meds [painful to admit].

Im very sad and emotional this morning but I wont judge it ,ile just let it out but I do have the problem of wallowing 😡

 

Take care my friend  .

 

best just biting your tongue and playing ball, use them as much as you can to your own benefit, the CBT and mindfulness will probably help you a lot with your intrusive thoughts, try and give this a good go buddy, 

 

let us know how you get on,

 

take care

[powerback]

1 minute ago, dj2010 said:

 

best just biting your tongue and playing ball, use them as much as you can to your own benefit, the CBT and mindfulness will probably help you a lot with your intrusive thoughts, try and give this a good go buddy, 

 

let us know how you get on,

 

take care

im practicing it a long time ,I was reading up on all this before this mess ,when your very sick with withdrawl CBT is even damaging I reckon ,I scan every single thought that comes into my head and its exhausting .I used all my tools to get through a wedding a while back and it only pushed me backwards ,the fact im only getting markedly worse shows im kindled and holding was a disaster [my choice] and it was paradoxical the whole time .

Ye ile go and go through the ropes with them but its hard after so many years of reading and research I've done  and then to be prodded when im only getting worse .

I mite have to do something in an emergency because my mind and thoughts are going to places very often now to very dark places so Im even thinking of admission somewhere,that sounds mad but im that desperate .

The last few months im taking Panadol for back pain  and I wonder is that making trouble .

Hope your well my friend .

[powerback]

Also if they throw work at me to do and I should be resting ,I get into a battle of wits with them if they don't believe me ,my body isn't recovering and repairing itself after physical movement ,im maybe only at 20% of normal strength ,im on here spouting about healthy clean eating and its doing nothing for me as I can see .

Ile admit I have a negative biased to all this "help" and its hard to get passed .I was nearly setting up yet another appointment with a therapist but im done paying 100 euro to be told what I already know ,saying that another issue is PTSD ,am I mixing up neuro emotions with this ,I don't think so  myself .

Started to watch a series on Netflix called maniac [I know excuse the tittle ] and it throws up some very interesting thoughts about mental health and suffering .

 

 

[dj2010]

48 minutes ago, powerback said:

im practicing it a long time ,I was reading up on all this before this mess ,when your very sick with withdrawl CBT is even damaging I reckon ,I scan every single thought that comes into my head and its exhausting .I used all my tools to get through a wedding a while back and it only pushed me backwards ,the fact im only getting markedly worse shows im kindled and holding was a disaster [my choice] and it was paradoxical the whole time .

Ye ile go and go through the ropes with them but its hard after so many years of reading and research I've done  and then to be prodded when im only getting worse .

I mite have to do something in an emergency because my mind and thoughts are going to places very often now to very dark places so Im even thinking of admission somewhere,that sounds mad but im that desperate .

The last few months im taking Panadol for back pain  and I wonder is that making trouble .

Hope your well my friend .

 

best just giving it a go, if you feel it is making you worse then obviously stop, yes it will be very hard sitting there listening to all the crap they come out with after all you have learnt through this journey, you will be more knowledgable than them no doubt, I had a few CBT classes a few months back to see if would help with sleep, the women was giving me tips on sleep and it was very basic stuff that I already knew, it ended up me giving her loads of tips,

 

yeh if feel have to go somewhere in a emergency then best going rather than doing something silly, just be cautious they dont drug you more,

 

try cutting out the painkillers, they will no doubt be having some negative impact,

 

38 minutes ago, powerback said:

Also if they throw work at me to do and I should be resting ,I get into a battle of wits with them if they don't believe me ,my body isn't recovering and repairing itself after physical movement ,im maybe only at 20% of normal strength ,im on here spouting about healthy clean eating and its doing nothing for me as I can see .

Ile admit I have a negative biased to all this "help" and its hard to get passed .I was nearly setting up yet another appointment with a therapist but im done paying 100 euro to be told what I already know ,saying that another issue is PTSD ,am I mixing up neuro emotions with this ,I don't think so  myself .

Started to watch a series on Netflix called maniac [I know excuse the tittle ] and it throws up some very interesting thoughts about mental health and suffering .

 

 

 

yeh need to get straight from the start that you are unfit for working, the pressure of holding down a job would be too much, there is no way I could hold down a regular job at the moment, i used to be a electrician when left school, would be impossible to do that job now with sleep so unpredictable, far to weak to do any manual work, show them print outs of your posts on this site, it will prove how unwell you are to them,

 

keep up the healthy eating, it will be helping even if doesn't feel like it,

 

save the money if therapists don't help, need to remember that it is the drugs doing this to you, even if you did have some issues before the drugs you was not disabled the same way you are now and would not be in this state if did not touch the drugs, 

 

will have a look at that series, need something new to watch, 

 

stay strong

[powerback]

17 minutes ago, dj2010 said:

 

best just giving it a go, if you feel it is making you worse then obviously stop, yes it will be very hard sitting there listening to all the crap they come out with after all you have learnt through this journey, you will be more knowledgable than them no doubt, I had a few CBT classes a few months back to see if would help with sleep, the women was giving me tips on sleep and it was very basic stuff that I already knew, it ended up me giving her loads of tips,

 

yeh if feel have to go somewhere in a emergency then best going rather than doing something silly, just be cautious they dont drug you more,

 

try cutting out the painkillers, they will no doubt be having some negative impact,

 

  

yeh need to get straight from the start that you are unfit for working, the pressure of holding down a job would be too much, there is no way I could hold down a regular job at the moment, i used to be a electrician when left school, would be impossible to do that job now with sleep so unpredictable, far to weak to do any manual work, show them print outs of your posts on this site, it will prove how unwell you are to them,

 

keep up the healthy eating, it will be helping even if doesn't feel like it,

 

save the money if therapists don't help, need to remember that it is the drugs doing this to you, even if you did have some issues before the drugs you was not disabled the same way you are now and would not be in this state if did not touch the drugs, 

 

will have a look at that series, need something new to watch, 

 

stay strong

Sound DJ by work I meant CBT or stuff like that .

im 3 episodes in ,it shouldn't be triggering but be watchful [no pun intended lol].

Theres a  documentary called Afflicted on Netflix and I cant bring myself to watch it yet ,way to triggering for me .

I watched "the ticket "the other night and it was a cautionary tale of be careful what you wish for .

Have a good  day .

[dj2010]

8 minutes ago, powerback said:

Sound DJ by work I meant CBT or stuff like that .

im 3 episodes in ,it shouldn't be triggering but be watchful [no pun intended lol].

Theres a  documentary called Afflicted on Netflix and I cant bring myself to watch it yet ,way to triggering for me .

I watched "the ticket "the other night and it was a cautionary tale of be careful what you wish for .

Have a good  day .

 

sorry for the mix up, they will no doubt have you filling in diaries and stuff, writing down thoughts that come in head etc, they did that with me and it was a pain, I just made up loads of thoughts and wrote them down 10 minutes before my next session, i only went to more than one session because the therapist was hot, 

 

will check out that maniac, yeh i cant bring myself to watch afflicted either, be far too triggering,  will watch out for the ticket, a good crime documentary on netflix watched recently is "evil genius" it may be triggering for you so best read the write up before watching, the women was on pysch drugs, i rekon they had a lot to do with what she did etc,

 

thanks take care

[powerback]

55 minutes ago, dj2010 said:

 

sorry for the mix up, they will no doubt have you filling in diaries and stuff, writing down thoughts that come in head etc, they did that with me and it was a pain, I just made up loads of thoughts and wrote them down 10 minutes before my next session, i only went to more than one session because the therapist was hot, 

 

will check out that maniac, yeh i cant bring myself to watch afflicted either, be far too triggering,  will watch out for the ticket, a good crime documentary on netflix watched recently is "evil genius" it may be triggering for you so best read the write up before watching, the women was on pysch drugs, i rekon they had a lot to do with what she did etc,

 

thanks take care

That's my problem ,im biased against the health systems motives  ,especially anything in the public forum .everything is money and i can see this .

I better leave my chips off my shoulders at home .a good few years ago I was in this exact place and the idiots left me waiting for 2 hours ,I will not do this tomorrow ,this is disgraceful and I wanted to complain but be damned if it would of mattered . because I don't trust the system I wont tell them the thoughts in my head ,these f*ckers are not even listening to the people they claim to help.PTSD ,anxiety and POAWs is were ile start with them I think .

 

[dj2010]

56 minutes ago, powerback said:

That's my problem ,im biased against the health systems motives  ,especially anything in the public forum .everything is money and i can see this .

I better leave my chips off my shoulders at home .a good few years ago I was in this exact place and the idiots left me waiting for 2 hours ,I will not do this tomorrow ,this is disgraceful and I wanted to complain but be damned if it would of mattered . because I don't trust the system I wont tell them the thoughts in my head ,these f*ckers are not even listening to the people they claim to help.PTSD ,anxiety and POAWs is were ile start with them I think .

 

 

you have every right to be biased against their motives after whats happened to you and everyone on here, 

 

try and stay calm tomorrow, if you kick off in there it will go against you, 

 

give it a chance and see if can get any benefit from it,

 

good luck with it

[Leo1983]

Why don't you stop the med? U feel like **** anyways?

[Bridgetini]

Thinking of you, @powerback, and hope that the clinic goes ok. I had a clinic visit last week and it did not go well - I could see the (new, green, fresh out of the box) SHO psychiatrist mentally marking me as a conspiracy theorist, neurotic, anti-psychiatry crank. You go to the clinic when you need HELP and they throw it back in your face.

From your posts since the weekend, it sounds like it is all building up on you - please, please try to hang in there.

 

This article might have some strategies that might work for you to get you through one moment at a time: https://www.madinamerica.com/2018/09/alternatives-suicide-staying-alive/

 

It is Mental Health Week from this Friday 5th - Friday 12th October  - information on the one in Limerick is at http://limerickmentalhealth.ie/services/mental-health-week/, and other areas will have their own schedules of events. 

 

Sending you good vibes through the ether... ( ) ( )

 

Bridgetini.

[powerback]

1 hour ago, Leo1983 said:

Why don't you stop the med? U feel like **** anyways?

Oh I'm tempted Leo very  but sadly it only gets worse if I do that so its quite the rock and a hard place I'm stuck in and the odds have shifted massively in the negative.

A bookie would happily give me  1000/1 odds of me  getting  past this hurdle if he could experience it .

Take care.

[powerback]

39 minutes ago, Bridgetini said:

Thinking of you, @powerback, and hope that the clinic goes ok. I had a clinic visit last week and it did not go well - I could see the (new, green, fresh out of the box) SHO psychiatrist mentally marking me as a conspiracy theorist, neurotic, anti-psychiatry crank. You go to the clinic when you need HELP and they throw it back in your face.

From your posts since the weekend, it sounds like it is all building up on you - please, please try to hang in there.

 

This article might have some strategies that might work for you to get you through one moment at a time: https://www.madinamerica.com/2018/09/alternatives-suicide-staying-alive/

 

It is Mental Health Week from this Friday 5th - Friday 12th October  - information on the one in Limerick is at http://limerickmentalhealth.ie/services/mental-health-week/, and other areas will have their own schedules of events. 

 

Sending you good vibes through the ether... ( ) ( )

 

Bridgetini.

Thanks Bridgetini your so kind to give me the links ,ye I understand about the green therapists ,my DR knows I've been through this before and I was furious how they treated me years ago ,I should of sent a letter to the minister for health at the time ,they haven't a notion how to help or respect people unless you have healthcare witch can be billed  .

They left me sitting there for 2 hours waiting  and then I went the next time and they lost all my information .Idiots .

Thanks for the vibes on the east coast I am . I used to work in limerick years ago ,I stayed in Newcastle west mainly .

Take care .

[Steve61]

Hi PB. I hope today goes well for you . As you know, I am not feeling well at the moment and I  keep thinking about your quote ‘ let the journey humble you’. Fighting with people will do me no good. An open mind is always the best bet when I go into something. I just will not accept any more drugs. They are not going to help me.Always just try to take what helps you off people and leave the rest.

 

Did you say somewhere that you believe that holding has been the wrong decision for you ? If so, can you explain what you mean,because I am on a longer than normal hold now and don’t know whether to just cut again.

 

Steve

@powerback

[powerback]

my experience today has basically rubbished withdrawl and a vague admittance it can happen . the consultant flat refuses to believe one bead out  can give symptoms ,I regret deeply going there so sick because everything I described was used to give me a diagnosis of being on the spectrum and my whole body went on fire with anxiety .basically all this is this bad because the med stopped working  and no acknowledgement of a reaction or withdrawal .

So all my research has gone against me in the fact it shows signs of obsession rather than a want to heal .

What a mess .

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being on the spectrum but I personally went into shut down mode  because an authority figure like this telling me things just brought everything back from childhood [a lot of rejection].

There was other stuff about the frontal lobe but I asked for tests and how is it diagnosed .

he did say anxiety has a huge avoidance behaviour connected with it  and this rings true for me long before meds .

I catastrophized massively for the 2 hours after the consultation and this will pass ,this shows the connection with anxiety ,its time to accept my crutch and stop fighting it .

Mite I have been wrong to blame the last 2 years or more on withdrawl ,maybe it suited me to hide behind this ,who knows .

Something is very wrong in my brain that's for sure .

if I dint know anything about withdrawl before today ,after what he said about the one bead ,ide easily drop tomorrow .

Ile stop running and being afraid to face it but its hard .

 

I'm in  a funk .

 

Take care I'm eternally grateful for the  support of my peers .

[powerback]

I'm also terrified I will be railroaded into a diagnosis ,so the fact my mind races and I'm finding it hard to control it is perpetuating the consultants "ideas".

There needs to be an end to this ,I'm under pressure from all angles and mostly from myself to be honest .I must of been born with chronic anxiety and now it infects my DNA .

Its a real mind F*ck because a couple of years ago I was doing normal things and then the med gets dropped ,it all plays into the consultants hands .

I either go up or off .I've wrecked enough heads in this process .

A cabin on the mountain top seems like a safe place at the moment .

The fact I'm not giving myself a break must be odd . maybe I've been down the wrong rabbit hole this whole time .