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xyz: Lexapro, my intro

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xyz

Moderator note: link to benzo thread - xyz: valium questions

 

Hi,
i am new on here. 
(english is not my first language so pardon the gramma)

i was on various benzo for 9 months and stopped taking them once i read about depency. 10 months later i had a health scare and went onto a panic attack and had severe insomnia (5 days of 0 sleep), and akathisia- i was put on remeron for 10 weeks but it gave me tinnitus so i went into a really bad panic attack and was suicidal. at the hospital, they reinstated me on a low dose of valium (4mg) and put me on lexapro 10mg. my panic attack was so bad and my insomnia so severe that i had to take xanax 0.25mg to calm down with lunesta at night for sleep for 3 months.

over several months, i was able able to ditch the xanax and lunesta and reduce my valium down to 2mg and i am still on 10mg of lexapro. i still have severe anxiety and insomnia. i have been holding my dose for 3 months now. i was reading on benzobuddies a thread on long long and that gave me hope that if i hold i can give my CNS time to stabilize. i have good days now but on bad days, i wonder how i can even lower my meds and i keep thinking that i have paradoxical effect on them. a term i kept reading on benzobuddies.

will it get better if i hold longer?

i also have 2 kids (6 and 2 years old) and i am going through early perimenopause- my panic attack, and insomnia get worse around my periods.

Edited by Shep
highlight doses and add lines at paragraph breaks (Scallywag), added moderator note (Shep)

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scallywag

Welcome xyz. Most people experience improvements when they hold for longer. Sometimes, though, it
 
It's probably a good idea to taper either lexapro or valium, not both at the same time.  What are you thinking about --

  • holding for now with valium and starting to taper Lexapro?
    -- or --
  • reducing dose of both medications?

Here's some information relevant to your situation:
Before you begin tapering -- what you need to know.
Why taper by 10% of my dosage?.
Micro-taper instead of 10% or 5% decreases.
Tips for tapering off Lexapro (escitalopram).
 
Some people find Omega 3 fatty acids and magnesium helpful. If you want to try this, start with one or the other at a low dose and then increase slowly.
Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil).
Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker.

Please read the links about tapering and Lexapro. If you have questions, please post them here in your introduction about Lexapro so that your information is all in one place.

I hope you'll find the information in the SA forums helpful for your situation. I'm sorry that you are in the position that you need the information, but am glad that you found us.

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JanCarol

Hey xyz - what have you decided to do?

 

It has been 4 months since your last change - and while you were having symptoms in January, it's possible that you are ready for a Lexapro taper?

 

How are your symptoms, have they improved?

 

Let us know if we can be of further help.

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xyz

hi,

this is an update to let you know how i have been doing with my taper.

i have been tapering 0.2mg of lexapro every 10 to 12 days, sometimes when i don't feel great i wait another couple of days- my doc gave me a script for lex liquid and that made it possible. i am now at 8.4mg. at my pace, i am going to be off it in a year for a year on it.  i am in no hurry except for the weight gain so i am dieting and exercising.

i also work full time and have 2 small children, 6 and 2 years old to take care of so i want to remain fully functional.

i am also titrating my valium at the same time-  went from 2mg to 1.5mg in 5 months. i was at 4mg a year and half ago. when i was reducing too fast i was suicidal so i held for 4 months at 2mg and all my symptoms slowly eased off- 

the worst is around my periods, when insomnia and head buzzing, dizziness hit but this doesn't last.

i used to hate taking my meds, now i have learned to accept them. i even feel good when i take them. i have to say that lex saved my life a year and a half ago. i was suicidal when i first got intrusive tinnitus.

i am taking it slow, i am doing intensive therapy, learning coping skills and trying to be grateful for any day that i feel good. i have my periods and yesterday was a bad day, but i forced myself to run some errands, mow the lawn, take the kids to the pool, i even slept 8 hours... i try as hard as it can be to take it one day at a time and not make a big deal of a bad day. i might have another bad day again today.

i realize that getting off spych meds is a journey, for me it is part of my spiritual growth. i had to learn patience, acceptance and gratitude.

i haven't been visiting much here, because i don't want to give myself more pressure to get off my meds, i am thinking about this enough time during the day.

when i feel bad, i tend to go on benzobuddies to only read the positive withdrawal thread and even then i am not doing it much either. as a distraction, work has been a life savior for me. when i get impatient, my mantra is that "what if when i am off all my meds, my journey ends? i will learn that i have a terminal illness or i will get hit by a truck?- do i want to rush my taper or enjoy the train ride?"

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xyz

hi All,

it has been a while. 

i am now down to 1mg of valium and 2.7mg of lexapro.

i tapered 1mg per month for lex.

is it too fast?

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Gridley

You should taper by no more than 10% of current dose every four weeks.  When you were at 10mg, 1 mg was a 10% cut.  Much lower than that, 1 mg per month is definitely too fast.  10% of your current dose of 2.7mg would be a cut of .27mg, so your next dose would be 2.43, or you could round up to 2.5.  At the lower doses where you are, many people find it necessary to slow down and either cut by less than 10% or hold longer.

Why taper by 10% of my dosage?.

 

Also we recommend tapering only only drug at a time.  Otherwise, if you';re having a problem you won't know which taper caused it.  We recommend tapering antidepressants, like Lexapro, first and leaving the more sedating benzos to act as a cushion to be tapered later.

Taking multiple psych drugs? Which drug to taper first?

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xyz

hi Gridley,

 

this will take me ages to get down to zero!

does it get easier as you are approaching zero?

after a certain threshold, the drugs shouldn't have much therapeutic effect right?

 

i have gained a lot of weight on it.

 

the valium is the most difficult to taper. i can only taper 0.1mg  of valium every 4 weeks and i do a daily micro taper mixed with water. i taper off 0.0033mg every day.

i have been daily micro tapering lex with the liquid. 0.033mg of reduction per day.

i hold around my periods.

 

i run 3 miles everyday and lift weight, work full time, have 2 small kids.

the insomnia is the worst- i also have Tinnitus. that is why i went on the drugs in the first place, i was suicidal at the onset of the Tinnitus, i thought i was going to lose my mind.

the Tinnitus and head vibration is louder when i taper too fast.

i am also in perimenopause :(

 

the exercise is what made it all possible.

 

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Gridley

Yes, it takes a lot of time to get down to zero.  However, it takes less time than going too fast and having to updose and hold to deal with unbearable withdrawal symptoms.  The 10% method has been shown to work.  Those who go too fast often end up on the drug far longer than those who took it slow.  Please read this link:

Many members report they feel more like themselves the lower they go.  On the other hand, this is the time to take it extra slow to allow your brain to get used to the lower dose. 

 

You are making it harder on yourself tapering the valium at the same time you're tapering Lexapro.

 

"Minimum therapeutic effect"  is a term made up by the drug companies and is meaningless.  It's much more  important to think about the effect that the withdrawal is having on your brain as it gets used the very low doses.  It is critical to allow your brain enough time to get used to the lower doses and for your neurotransmitters to   upregulate.  Otherwise, you could have some very unpleasant withdrawal symptoms.

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xyz

Gridley,

 

i was on lex at 10mg only for a year before i started my taper.

 

i agree with you about taking it slow.

my symptoms fluctuate. i have some bad days and some really awesome days. today is awesome :D:D:D

when i was tapering too fast the valium, my symptoms were unbearable. i had akathisia, fear of everything, insomnia, cortisol surge each time i tried to doze off to sleep, intrusive thought, obsessive thought, guilt, suicide ideation etc... until i held for 4 months after which i switched to daily micro taper.

i have learned a lot along the way to put it mildly. i don't think i am even afraid of death anymore.

 

i saw that you have been tapering for a while. are you 100% functional?

i have been functional 100% but been feeling good only 70% of the time. when i feel bad, i have learned to distract myself and stay busy.

 

is there some evidence that neurotransmitters up-regulate at the speed of the 10% taper?

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Gridley
4 hours ago, xyz said:

 

i was on lex at 10mg only for a year before i started my taper.

 

Unfortunately, a year is plenty of time for the AD to change the architecture of the brain.

4 hours ago, xyz said:

i saw that you have been tapering for a while. are you 100% functional?

i have been functional 100% but been feeling good only 70% of the time. when i feel bad, i have learned to distract myself and stay busy.

 

I'd say I'm maybe 90% functional but less than that as far as feeling good goes.  I'm more of a hermit than usual.  My functionality is limited by lack of motivation and apathy, both common WD symptoms.  I'm retired, so I don't have the same demands as those who are working.  On the other hand, I live in a third-world country, which has its own unique challenges and requirements to adapt, including doing everything in a foreign language that I only imperfectly know, and I'm functioning with that. 

4 hours ago, xyz said:

 

is there some evidence that neurotransmitters up-regulate at the speed of the 10% taper?

 

Yes, there are findings and papers demonstrating a remarkable parallel between these two factors.  I'm including a couple of links.  The reading can be tough slogging if you, like me, don't really have a scientific mind, but it's worth it.


Why taper? Paper demonstrates importance of gradual change in plasma concentration

 

Tapering according to the serotonin transporter occupancy curve

 

Glad you're having a great day!

 

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xyz

Gridley,

i calculated my drop by 10% on an excel sheet and it took me down to 36 months!

do people take 4 years to taper 10mg of lexapro?

 

thank you for the link, you convince me to take it really slow, it is not worth it.

hey i might get run over by a truck tomorrow and it would be sad that getting off the AD was the most important things in my mind before i die.

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Gridley

My brain's not capable of calculating at the moment, but using the 10% method, you will go down by half of your current dose every 6 months.  So in 6 months, you'd be at half your current dose, etc.  I'm at 7.8, so in 6 months, I'll be at 3.9, then in 6 months more I'll be at 1.95, etc.  Of course, the smaller you go, the smaller the half is.  At a certain point,  you start calculating when to jump off to zero.   When to end the taper and jump to zero?

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Gridley

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brassmonkey

Hi XYZ--  One of the big frustrations of doing a proper slow taper is just how slowly it seems to go.  Especially at the end where the reductions are so small.  Yes it does indeed take that long, even though 36 months is 3 years not 4. My taper from 40mgai took five and a half years.  It was very uneventful so I was able to maintain reductions every six weeks the entire time.  It is very common for people who want to hurry things along by going faster to end up taking even longer because they have to add in extra hold periods to restabilize after things go wrong.  Restabilizing can add many months to a taper, but is necessary if symptoms get out of control.

 

Gridley-- That is an excellent point to make "the half life of a standard 10% taper is 6 months".  I'm stealing that.

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xyz

hi brassmonkey,

thank you for your post.

wow... 5.5 years.

 

every day i visualize myself when i will be off this drug, i do a count down calendar ... and i realize now that it won't work that way.

it is crazy for me to think that being on it for 1 year will take 3 years to taper. (i have been tapering for 1 year already)

not only this, but i still have the valium to taper off. and what scares me is that after being 2 years on them (including tapering time) i am starting to have memory issue.

 

did you have any withdrawal phase? i have heard of phase I and phase II, and maybe phase III.

 

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brassmonkey

Hi XYZ--  Memory problems are one of the more prominent symptoms we get to cope with, especially the short term stuff.  While I was still working I was never without my "paper brain", a note book I wrote everything in, even the easiest instruction, because I couldn't remember it more that a few seconds. Post-it notes are also you friend.  It does get better the lower you go in your dosing. I have found that "matching type" video games help to increase concentration and the like.  I'm rather addicted to Bejeweled Blitz.

 

We really discourage trying to set an end point, there are just too many variables that keep coming up and It's so frustrating to have to keep pushing it back and pushing it back.  It's much better to look at how far you've come instead.  It's a long journey but it does eventually end.

 

We don't often talk about the phases of WD, because there seems to be no clear definition.  The way I understand it is that phase one is active tapering, phase two is the period of recovery after jumping off and phase three would be full recovery.  Very general terms for very large chunks of time.  In this sense I've been through two of the phases and am about to start the third.  However, each phase contained periods where different things were happening.  I started with a very long period of stabilizing from being in popout.  That was followed by a long period of a lot of different waves where different symptoms took precedence.  Then there was a period of steady improvement until I jumped to "0".

 

Once I made the jump the steady improvement continued with a couple of intense waves thrown in to break things up.  I'll be a year off in a couple of weeks and think it's just about time to declare myself as being into final recovery.

 

Hope that helps

 

Brassmonkey

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xyz
13 hours ago, brassmonkey said:

 

Once I made the jump the steady improvement continued with a couple of intense waves thrown in to break things up.  I'll be a year off in a couple of weeks and think it's just about time to declare myself as being into final recovery.

 

 

this is awesome to hear brassmonkey!

happy anniversary!

 

so while tapering you can go through the first 2 phases?

what kind of symptoms did you have?

i was concerned that after tapering, i will have to go through another 3 phases of suffering...

 

all right, i am just really tired of all these symptoms. i have never been stable on valium and i have been living with cortisol surge, panic, at 2am in the morning every single day for 2 years.

i do a lot to distract myself, i work and take care of my kids. i try to exercise everyday. but man, i am tired, i am tired of that crap.

sometimes, i think that if god take me now, i would be okay, then i think about my kids and i am thinking maybe i should hang out for another 20 years for them.

 

lexapro saved my life, literally, when Tinnitus hit me, all i was thinking was to find ways to off myself.

after the first pill, i was able to sit down and watch a full movie, and within 2 weeks i was smiling again.

i am grateful for everything...

 

i think i just need to hold my taper for a while. sorry for the negativity, i am also PMSing and my cramps now are excruciating.

tomorrow will be better.

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brassmonkey

Phase one; active tapering, Phase one is where most of the heavy symptoms happen because the body is constantly having to adjust to the fluctuations in the level of the drug.

 

Phase two; post jumping to zero, drug free. Once the drug has been removed the body can start to adjust itself without having to fight against the drug. By not the symptoms should have become very tolerable to nonexistent. There can be several waves of strong symptoms for the first year or so post "0".

 

Phase three; full recovery, return to normality. The brain/body is no longer feeling the affects of the drug and is able to return to its normal state.

 

That's the way I understand them.  Each phase has its own patterns and challenges. 

 

Every symptom you've read about here I've experienced to some degree.

 

It's a very long frustrating process that can really wear a person down.  Add in the "joy" of monthly hormonal fluctuations and it can be no fun at all.  Things will get better though.

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xyz

hey, i woke up feeling awesome today, no cortisol surge and that hasn't happened to me in at least 5 months.

i have been holding for 11 days on the lex and 24 day on the valium.

i am much more patient with my kids, life is beautiful.

 

will continue hold for another 2 weeks.

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RealMe
On 4/5/2018 at 3:38 AM, xyz said:

lexapro saved my life, literally, when Tinnitus hit me, all i was thinking was to find ways to off myself.

after the first pill, i was able to sit down and watch a full movie, and within 2 weeks i was smiling again.

i am grateful for everything...

Hi xyz,

I also have tinnitus and am wondering, how you are doing with that symptom now?  Mine started with bupropion (Wellbutrin) back in October of 2017.  I am on 1.4mL of Fluoxetine (Prozac).  Once in a while the tinnitus is not too bad, but most of the time it's pretty awful.  I'm always looking for hope regarding this.

Wishing you the best healing,

RM

 

 

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xyz

hi Realme,

the Tinnitus intrusiveness will lessen with time, your brain will get used to it.

i was suicidal when that happened, all i wanted was to die, now i am only bothered by it when i wake up in the middle of the night.

tapering makes it louder at time, but when i hold, it calms down.

 

i am on a support forum for people who have Tinnitus TSMB, (don't go on Tinnitus talk, this is an awful forum)

read the success stories on TSMB,  and you can ask for support, there are very knowledgeable, intelligent and good people on there.

https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/tinnitussupport92262/success-stories-how-it-can-get-better-f3/

 

it will get better with time, most of people HABITUATE to their Tinnitus in their second year. so give it another year and you will be fine.

distract and live your life, it will help with the habituation.

as much as i wish i didn't have it, it is one of the best thing that happened to me.

 

 

 

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RealMe
7 hours ago, xyz said:

most of people HABITUATE to their Tinnitus in their second year. so give it another year and you will be fine.

distract and live your life, it will help with the habituation.

as much as i wish i didn't have it, it is one of the best thing that happened to me.

Thank you xyz for the valuable, life saving information on tinnitus habituation.  If I think about things getting better at some point, even if it's far away, it helps.  Otherwise, well, you know...it's pretty bleak.  I'm going to try the web site you recommended.  I was on one on Facebook, but it was so negative, I had to quit it entirely.  I thank you so very much for your success story.  I desperately needed it.

Best wishes,

RM

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xyz

hi,

lately, i have been experiencing some anger.

how do you cope with this?

it starts with anxiety and then the anger, or more accurately, the rage takes over. :(

i don't like myself this way.

please, any advice is welcome.

 

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brassmonkey

The physical sensations of both anxiety and rage are very similar so it is very easy to cross from one to the other.  The feeling of anxiety is also often accompanied with a feeling of helplessness and vulnerability, both of which can trigger anger and rage.  It's a form of Spiral Thinking.  If you haven't already read it here is a very good thread on dealing with Spiral emotions:

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals 

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xyz

Hi brassmonkey,

 

thank you so much for the link.

wow, you nailed it and broke it down for us.

i have some trigger points and it is embarrassing to admit them.

i have  a lot of pride for my creativity and work ethic.

like you said, it has been slowly building up over things that added to my stress.

most of the time, i don't spiral down, i talk it out and make jokes about it but this time, i felt powerless on the amount of work that i have to do (alone) and it went out of control and i have some hard time forgiving myself for this.

i see now that my team coworkers don't look at me in the eyes when they talk.

i am scaring people away and it is too bad.

 

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Carmie
23 hours ago, xyz said:

hi,

lately, i have been experiencing some anger.

how do you cope with this?

it starts with anxiety and then the anger, or more accurately, the rage takes over. :(

i don't like myself this way.

please, any advice is welcome.

 

 

Hi xyz, 

 

It must be so hard feeling the anger you feel. I don’t feel anger myself so can’t relate. 

 

Im frustrated at what I’ve been put through and the many, many years ahead that I still have to cope with. 

 

How is your micro tapering going? 

 

Im only going to check into this forum a couple of times a week as I find it too overwhelming to keep reading all the sad stories, but at the same time I want to be there for others and I know others will be there for me if I need support or have questions.

 

Sending hugs🤗

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xyz

hi carmie,

i am okay now. i apologized to my co- workers, they were really supportive.

i worked with guys so that helps! i put it on hormones, lol.

i am holding for a while, enjoying my summer, when i feel really good i reduce by a tiny amount.

xoxoxo

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miT

Try to have a normal relationship with your co-workers. I know it's not easy in withdrawal... My company is the most unforgiving, backstabbing and gossip place I've ever known. Needless to say I'm not Mr Popular at work. 

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powerback
4 hours ago, xyz said:

hi carmie,

i am okay now. i apologized to my co- workers, they were really supportive.

i worked with guys so that helps! i put it on hormones, lol.

i am holding for a while, enjoying my summer, when i feel really good i reduce by a tiny amount.

xoxoxo

HI xyz ,you will need to exhaust reading and practicing the link brass-monkey has given .we need to become warriors of unbelievable strength .do you have anxiety ,if so watch out for this ,anxiety is very pernicious ,we constantly scan our environments and get drawn into situations we shouldn't .get good at keeping to yourself ,now I don't mean not to socialise but conversations and behaviours that mite get you angry .its brilliant it really works .

when we are going through withdrawal we simply cant have it all  ,our system's are under tremendous pressure .

 

my brain snapped bout 18 months ago because of the pressure It was put under and a lot had to do with my personality of being there for a work mate and helping with he's nightmare girlfriend/ dysfunctional personal life  ,I absorbed all this like a sponge now I look back .my brain must of been super mailable 

Keep at the coping skills ,its worth it and when withdrawl is over you have an advantage from what you've learned .

 Peace . 

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xyz

Hi miT and powerback.

I am okay. It was really me. The guys I work with are really nice. I am just on the hyper side, always have been. And I had 2 expressos that day so that didn't help. They were helplessly watching me explode and apologize profusely afterward. I think they felt sorry for me and wish they could help. I made a joke by saying that my nick name is miss drama and they smiled.

It is just that I felt a surge of rage that needed to come out of my chest. I ran my heart out and still it didn't help.

If I survive this, I will me a yogi.

 

11 hours ago, powerback said:

HI xyz ,you will need to exhaust reading and practicing the link brass-monkey has given .we need to become warriors of unbelievable strength .do you have anxiety ,if so watch out for this ,anxiety is very pernicious ,we constantly scan our environments and get drawn into situations we shouldn't .get good at keeping to yourself ,now I don't mean not to socialise but conversations and behaviours that mite get you angry .its brilliant it really works .

when we are going through withdrawal we simply cant have it all  ,our system's are under tremendous pressure .

 

my brain snapped bout 18 months ago because of the pressure It was put under and a lot had to do with my personality of being there for a work mate and helping with he's nightmare girlfriend/ dysfunctional personal life  ,I absorbed all this like a sponge now I look back .my brain must of been super mailable 

Keep at the coping skills ,its worth it and when withdrawl is over you have an advantage from what you've learned .

 Peace . 

 

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powerback
10 hours ago, xyz said:

Hi miT and powerback.

I am okay. It was really me. The guys I work with are really nice. I am just on the hyper side, always have been. And I had 2 expressos that day so that didn't help. They were helplessly watching me explode and apologize profusely afterward. I think they felt sorry for me and wish they could help. I made a joke by saying that my nick name is miss drama and they smiled.

It is just that I felt a surge of rage that needed to come out of my chest. I ran my heart out and still it didn't help.

If I survive this, I will me a yogi.

 

 

Make yourself a list of what you think works against your system and work on cancelling or adding what helps calm you ,if your already hyper then the expressos will stimulate alright .I've been a hyper character also .maybe switch your coffee to a quality green tea. 

Take care .

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Carmie

Hi xyz, 

 

Just checking in to see how you’ve been. 

 

How is your anxiety and anger now? Glad you got to apologise n they were supportive. 

 

It’s good to hear you’re still holding n enjoying your summer. Keep us updated when you start to taper again. 

 

Wishing you all all the best in your tapering 💚💚

 

 

On 5/18/2018 at 4:30 PM, xyz said:

hi carmie,

i am okay now. i apologized to my co- workers, they were really supportive.

i worked with guys so that helps! i put it on hormones, lol.

i am holding for a while, enjoying my summer, when i feel really good i reduce by a tiny amount.

xoxoxo

 

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xyz

hi carnie!

sorry i have not logged in for a while. been so busy with work, kids and my sister from France was visiting for a week.

i haven;t seen her in 15 years! so it was really emotional.

i have been doing really well. i kept microtapering using the Brass monkey sliding taper and it made it doable.

too busy to be depressed but the insomnia has a typical pattern of 3 bad night and 2 good nights which is way better than 2-3 hours of sleep a couple of years ago.

when i say bad night it is 4-5 hours of sleep, and good nights are 6-7.5 hours of sleep.

the pattern with Lex taper is 1-4 days of feeling anxious, overwhelmed, insomnia. then 4-8 days of feeling good to really good.

i like that it is predictable and to know, when i don't feel great,  that i will feel good again in a few days makes it easier

 

i also just finished a class on Transcendental meditation, i love it. been meditating twice a day.

it feels good to have a teacher, and some sense of direction in my personal growth.

life has been treated me well so far.

hope you are doing well too.

xoxoxo

 

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xyz

just want to gather some positive stories for my brain that is in a wave right now.

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bubbles

xyz, I'm sorry you're in a wave now. Sending virtual hugs.

 

I'm doing well. I have been taking an extremely slow taper. I have had waves, but mostly long windows.
 

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Carmie
2 hours ago, xyz said:

just want to gather some positive stories for my brain that is in a wave right now.

 

I’m sorry you’re in a wave again xyz, 

 

Im still in a window but I’m not tapering again until the end of August. Are you still doing the brassmonkey slide? I wouldn’t be able to do that unless I did it in a smaller percentage. It was 10% a month n then a couple of weeks holding, wasn’t it? I can only taper by about 4% to 5%. 

 

As you know from your your own experience, you will end up in a window again. Just try and get through the day as best you can, distract yourself. Distract! Distract! Distract! That window will come again eventually. 

 

Again I’m so sorry you’re in a wave again, but in this process we can’t really avoid them, it’s all part of the healing. 

 

Sending hugs🤗

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xyz

bubble, thank you for the positive words. it helps a lot!

i was wondering how i can get off these meds. how bad are your waves?

 

Carmie,

i have been cutting 10% of the lex. 2.5% every week, and i am only on my 3rd week of reduction. but i only reduced the valium of 0.0075 mg, yes that is right, it is crazy! and i didn't realize that i was PMSing at the same time (my periods are shorter now and more unpredictable)- the PMS feels like i CT my meds. i had body vibration, depression, tunnel vision. i cried the whole day yesterday, and had what it felt like an endless panic attack until 3pm, when it suddenly lifted. after that i was I exhausted, i went to bed at 6.30pm and woke up at 4am. today seems like it will be better.

thank you for reminding me that it is part of healing, it is so hard when in a wave. i felt brain damaged, and crazy, it didn't help that i went on benzobuddies I guess.

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