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xyz: Lexapro, my intro

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JackieDecides
4 hours ago, xyz said:

not sure if being that self aware is a good thing you know.

 

maybe it isn't as necessary if you are "a happy dude" but it's better than having bad feelings and running away from them. like by taking antidepressants or having a six pack of beer!

 

I see there is mindfulness therapy online (one program I found was even free) but I haven't taken the time yet. I plan to when my life is more stable; right now I am changing jobs and have no health insurance and other not great things. 

 

it's easy to get overwhelmed when there is so much pain and suffering and it's right in our faces anytime we turn on the news or the internet. I avoid news!

 

I am not in acute any more but I think I am having a long, low wave - I'm using a happy light because this is my first winter without AD in decades and I don't want to go into a major depression. I am just over a bad bought of insomnia but I can now get 5 or 6 hours most nights and when I start wishing I could sleep 8 like I used to, I remind myself to be grateful for what I am getting now. so much better than before!

 

I am really lonely.

 

probably all this doesn't belong in your intro thread, however. @Altostrata what do you recommend? 

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Altostrata

Self-awareness in terms of valuing one's strengths and compensating for one's weaknesses is always a good thing.

 

Thanks for your post, JackieDecides.

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xyz

update:

i had a dental surgery done a week ago. bone graft and implant.

I had some heavy anesthetic, took Tylenol and antibiotic 3x day for 7 days. i am concerned that taking these meds had permanently increased the level of my tinnitus. it has been louder lately. but it is not like i had a choice.

so i try to leave it to God "que sera, sera"

 

i was in pain for 3 days then it slowly improved. i had a surge of a wave, shaking, cortisol surge and i am sure that has something to do with the heavy anesthetic that is wearing off.

i held my valium taper for a week, still reducing the lexapro.

my sleep was short a couple of days ago and last night last as well, but i have no doubt that i will sleep good again (last night i had 4.5 hours).

i am writing during my insomniac hours. trying to stay busy and finding stuff to do.

we adopted a puppy a month ago, so so cute. the pooping and peeing in the house is out of control though. but his cuteness makes it all worth it!

he is a good company when i wake up in the middle of the night.

 

this is a long week-end break here for xmas, i count my blessing that i am still alive in dec 2018, that i have a beautiful family, a job that i love and that i have regained my health, slowly but surely.

it is for sure a spiritual journey.

i saw a quote on there i that i love.

 

“One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.” Abraham Maslow

 

it is all about fear isn't it?

fear of not being loved, fear of not fitting in, of not being enough, so we medicate, then we try to get off the meds, then we have fear of not being able to recover.

fear of not getting what we want and getting what we don't want. that emotional reaction is exhausting...

 

 

 

 

 

 

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JackieDecides
4 hours ago, xyz said:

his is a long week-end break here for xmas, i count my blessing that i am still alive in dec 2018, that i have a beautiful family, a job that i love and that i have regained my health, slowly but surely.

it is for sure a spiritual journey.

 

I'm glad you know/have this even while things are hard and I think it is so smart to get up and do things while you can't sleep: might as well!  also, I love that quote and it is about fear and always (or usually!) fighting it to go forward. 

 

I think anesthesia is very hard on our bodies: I had my tonsils out when I was 40 and getting over the anesthesia was the hardest part. it gave me bad body aches which the surgeon dismissed, saying I must have had the flu. (um, no, I didn't.) I remember when I woke up from the surgery, it was nightmarish like I was trying to fight my way out of the grave. 🙁

 

congrats on your new puppy!!  can I share a site I like because I love the dog trainer? My Smart Puppy! - here is a link to housetraining info from Sarah. I found her online after reading one of her older books and now see her on facebook - I learned from her that the "dominate your dog" training (such as from Cesar Milan) is out of date and not your best option.

 

I hope you continue to heal and recover from the surgery! 😍

 

 

 

 

 

 

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xyz
19 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

 

I hope you continue to heal and recover from the surgery! 😍

 

 

HI Jacky,

thank you for posting on my thread and for the well wishing words :)

i slept 8 hours last night!

feeling better today, same old cortisol surges but oh well, a cup of coffee and they were gone.

had a long day yesterday (yeah, after 4.5 hour sleep, any day would feel long!)

had some friends invited over for lunch. so i spent my morning prepping for the meal, went to get a cake, they adopted a kid (like we did) and their adoption was just finalized.

after that, i took the kids to a an indoor jumping place- that was when i realized that we came from monkeys. (my apology to the evolution non-believers!). it is a place with the most complex setting for jumping high and in different ways. crazy.

anyhooo, it was a "good" day. 

i need to go on your thread to see what you are up to. xoxoxo

 

 

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JackieDecides
4 hours ago, xyz said:

i took the kids to a an indoor jumping place

good heavens, that sounds like fun - did the adults jump, too? was it trampolines all over?

 

I'm so glad you had 8 hours of sleep, what a blessing!!

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xyz

update:

- my husband had a muscle tear while jumping with the kids. poor man. still limping.

- i have been doing mostly okay lately. My tinnitus level went down to previous level. no more pain in the jaw.

- i am still tapering both my meds. it is hard not to get obsessed over the time when i will be off them. i know that the valium helps me sleep for sure and the lexapro, oh, boy was helpful.

 

i have OCD (not bad, but the perfectionist kind) and i can feel, now, how it had helped me not get obsessed over things.

i grew up in a stressful environment, poor and a war refugee, so i guess my amygdala was trained to be over reactive. i have learned to cope with anxiety by planning all my life.

lexapro at a higher dose, blunted that process i think. it helped me to be happy in the present moment.

 

lately, anything that i read on the news about wars stay with me for a long long time. it is like i feel the pain for the world that is suffering.

 

the other day, i had anxiety that was borderline rage in the morning. By 3pm, i started to feel really vulnerable and cried, it is like suddenly something opened up, all the tension was released, i know it was chemically induced because it is my "feel good" time. i felt a sense of gratitude, and deep love. everything was just fine as they are.

it is true what they say that the opposite of Fear is unconditional Love.

i have spent the last few years trying to understand fear, its range, the fight or flight response, its effect on the nervous system, and how we somatize our traumatic experience.

i think i should investigate more on Love.

 

 

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JackieDecides
On 12/31/2018 at 2:19 AM, xyz said:

it is true what they say that the opposite of Fear is unconditional Love.

 

I think you are right. ❤️

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xyz

Update:

Pfaw, feeling like crap this morning. sleep was terrible, the kids woke me up several times, then the dogs...

i had a terrible nightmare, didn't have that in a while. i usually have a recurrent theme that i have learned to accept and am able to bounce back from(childhood stuff)

this time, it was about being stuck in a place like North korea (i read a lot about it a couple weeks ago, hugh.. i know)

so i woke up very fragile, hearing a loud scream. reminded me of the old days of rapid taper.

heart palpitations is pretty bad. 

feeling helpless and really sad.

Frack med taper.

i should stop reading the news, but i feel selfish when i don't.

i will make sure to go for my run today.

it is time for a hold.

 

 

 

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Carmie

Hi xyz, 

 

So sorry to hear about your stressful time. That nightmare didn’t sound like fun.

 

I don’t actually watch TV so I don’t know what’s going on on the news. I have enough stress, I don’t need to add to it with the horror on the news. I stick to Netflix and DVDs.

 

All the best with your hold. Someone on here was saying before that they wanted to jump off at 2.5mg. Nooooooo, don’t do it!

 

Sorry you’re feeling helpless and sad, sending hugs🤗

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JackieDecides
4 hours ago, xyz said:

i should stop reading the news, but i feel selfish when i don't.

 

 

can you at least cut down? seriously, I don't think news (even if it is good quality) coming at us every day is good for us. I told myself I had to watch local news for the weather but it's much faster to just look it up on wunderground. 

 

I find that the worst way to get news is on TV - it is wildly biased towards the sensational, whatever other bias is going on (eyeroll). you said reading, but I was doubting you actually mean a newspaper these days! 

 

anyway, sorry to hear it's going badly and I think a hold is a good idea. I hope you feel better soon. 😍

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xyz

Thanks Carmie and JAckie,

i feel better now. went for a run and did some work. started cleaning the house and felt better from that.

i read the news on line, mostly CNN or The Times. I never watch TV, it is crap anyway, nothing in depth, and the kids always want to watch their stuff.

 

Carmie, who wanted to jump at 2.5mg?... must have hurt!

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Carmie

Hi xyz, 

 

I’m glad you don’t watch TV either, I find it gives me a real restless energy. I stick to Netflix and DVDs. 

 

It was FleeingFluoxetine that wanted to jump off the last 2.5mg, but they may have changed their mind after all the messages they got. Here’s hoping! Sending hugs🤗

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xyz

update:

i had 3 to 4 difficult days. 4 to 5 hours of sleeps, coupled with some stress at work. heart palp etc...

i had to hold my taper for a week. still holding. i think i am only recovering from the heavy dental procedure a month ago.

i am feeling better now, had 3 night of 7 hours of solid sleep.

my husband ordered a heavy blanket and it is amazing!

 

things are better again.

i am trying to lose weight. i gained some on lexapro. trying to cut carb but it is hard.

sometimes i wonder if i will ever be able to get off these meds, and then i try to look at one day at a time, and i have been doing okay.

my days are crazy with the kids, the house and a 50 hours/week work load.

 

i have read stories of people who can never get off their meds, and i think that if that happens to me, well at least i have a productive life.

Jeez, i can't believe how slow this process is.

 

i am also studying to get a certification. (better get a good use of those insomniac hours)

my memory is not great but it will be a good brain training.

most days i feel old and tired, just like many middle age working mom.

 

 

 

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xyz
On 1/14/2019 at 10:17 PM, Carmie said:

Hi xyz, 

 

I’m glad you don’t watch TV either, I find it gives me a real restless energy. I stick to Netflix and DVDs. 

 

It was FleeingFluoxetine that wanted to jump off the last 2.5mg, but they may have changed their mind after all the messages they got. Here’s hoping! Sending hugs🤗

thanks Carmie, yes i hope that FF reconsidered.

the last 2.5mg was the most difficult part of the taper for me. i got hit with symptoms at 2.3mg. all my cut started to catch up at that time. it would take me a year to taper that amount

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Carmie
2 hours ago, xyz said:

thanks Carmie, yes i hope that FF reconsidered.

the last 2.5mg was the most difficult part of the taper for me. i got hit with symptoms at 2.3mg. all my cut started to catch up at that time. it would take me a year to taper that amount

 

Hi xyz, 

 

Yes, a lot of people find the last part of the taper the most difficult. A few of us warned him not to jump off the last 2.5mg. He said he wasn’t going to, but hasn’t posted since. I just asked him on his thread. I really hope he doesn’t as he might be paying for it for a long time. 

 

I hope your sleep continues the way it’s been going over the last three nights. Where did you buy your weighted blanket? I still want to buy one, sending hugs 🤗

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JackieDecides
6 hours ago, xyz said:

i had to hold my taper for a week. still holding. i think i am only recovering from the heavy dental procedure a month ago.

 

that sounds like a smart thing to do. 

 

I am so impressed that despite all you are going through you are studying anyway, good for you!

 

I know I need to go back to trying to learn Spanish, I had found that just 15 minutes a day on Rosetta Stone (free through my library) was making a difference so I need to do it again. but my mind is so fuzzy it won't be this morning. 🙁

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xyz
On 1/20/2019 at 6:42 AM, Carmie said:

 

 Where did you buy your weighted blanket? I still want to buy one, sending hugs 🤗

 

hi Carmie, i got it on amazon. they are getting cheaper as many more manufacturer are making them. i got a 15lbs

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B073429DV2/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o01__o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

 

and i also got a mermaid cover to go with it, really cute

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B079NDKWBY/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o01__o00_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1

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xyz

update:

the fatigue lately has been really hard, the cold weather of course didn't help. 

i went to sleep at 7pm and woke up at 1.30am. 

feeling so tired. heart pals are back. it all happened as soon as i made a tiny cut again. it is all withdrawal. my Tinnitus is more bothersome and that is usually a sign.

man, i will never get off these meds. i am at 0.58mg of valium and 0.45mg of lexapro.

chugging up my first cup of coffee. it will be better in a few minutes.

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JackieDecides
5 hours ago, xyz said:

woke up at 1.30am. 

feeling so tired. heart pals are back. it all happened as soon as i made a tiny cut again

 

☹️

 

I'm sorry things are worse - but you WILL get off these meds, it's just going to take longer than you wish. WD is so unpleasant; I hope you feel better soon. 

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Carmie

Hi xyz, 

 

Thanks for letting me know where you got the weighted blanket. I definitely want to get one one of these days. I’ve never bought anything from Amazon, I usually buy stuff off eBay. 

 

I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time at the moment. Yes, it’s amazing how withdrawals can affect us even in the teeny tiny doses, and yet doctors tell people to cold turkey meds.

 

Take care, sending hugs🤗

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xyz

update

after 3 days of 4-5 hours of sleep at night, i was able to sleep a lot better  than before. last night i had almost 9 hours of deep sleep.

my mind is a lot clearer. i had a cog fog, constant fatigue, leg weakness and apathy for a week. symptoms that i haven't seen much during my taper.

it is very cold over here, and that starts to get into me.

childhood mental stuff have been back, they were quiet when i was on a higher dose.

fear of not doing enough, being enough, etc. i pray every day to be calm, patient and kind. with myself and with the world.

 

i have heard of the book, the happiness trap and i think i will order it. seems very appropriate for what i am going through.

here are some quotes.

 

  • “TEN RULES FOR WINNING THE GAME OF CONFIDENCE .The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later. Genuine confidence is not the absence of fear; it is a transformed relationship with fear. Negative thoughts are normal. Don’t fight them; defuse them. Self-acceptance trumps self-esteem. True success is living by your values. Hold your values lightly, but pursue them vigorously. Don’t obsess about the outcome; get passionate about the process. Don’t fight your fear: allow it, befriend it, and channel it. Failure hurts—but if we’re willing to learn, it’s a wonderful teacher. The key to peak performance is total engagement in the task.” 
  •  Basically, expansion means making room for our feelings. If we give unpleasant feelings enough space, they no longer stretch us or strain us.” 
  • Who is the one human being in your life who can always be there for you, in any moment, no matter what happens? Who is the one human being who can understand, validate, and empathize with your pain better than anyone else on the planet? Who is the one human being who can truly know just how much you are suffering? You are.” 
  • “In ACT, our main interest in a thought is not whether it’s true or false, but whether it’s helpful; that is, if we pay attention to this thought, will it help us create the life we want?” 
  • “Q: Don’t I need high self-esteem in order to create a rich and meaningful life? A: No, you don’t. All you need to do is connect with your values and act accordingly.”

 

so after reading this, i am thinking "what are my life values?"

 

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JackieDecides
6 hours ago, xyz said:

have heard of the book, the happiness trap

 

I loved that book! I think I own it and if so, I should re-read it. other books about ACT aren't nearly as ...easy to read, frankly. 

 

I look forward to hearing what you think of it. 

6 hours ago, xyz said:

i pray every day to be calm, patient and kind. with myself and with the world.

 

me, too.   no idea if it helps (I have no faith, currently) but I figure it can't hurt.

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xyz
On 1/28/2019 at 11:59 AM, JackieDecides said:

 

I loved that book! I think I own it and if so, I should re-read it. other books about ACT aren't nearly as ...easy to read, frankly. 

 

I look forward to hearing what you think of it. 

 

me, too.   no idea if it helps (I have no faith, currently) but I figure it can't hurt.

 

so hard to be kind with oneself when one feel crap :(

 

i am not doing great. i came down with the flu just when i made another cut last night. my body hurt all over.

i wonder if i can re-updose. i have never re-updose so far during my taper.

i need to stay functional since my husband works all the time and i need to be here for my kids.

 

maybe i will never be able to get off these meds. on this forum, i read stories of people who jumped and suffered for years on end.

and who have now permanent damage. not good for the moral...

 

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JackieDecides
4 hours ago, xyz said:

maybe i will never be able to get off these meds. on this forum, i read stories of people who jumped and suffered for years on end.

and who have now permanent damage. not good for the moral

 

don't read those things now. in fact, read the success stories if you are going to be here reading. and don't try to look to far ahead, now, either. when things are bad just concentrate on what's right in front of you. 

so sorry you got the flu! take care of yourself best you can. 

 

4 hours ago, xyz said:

i wonder if i can re-updose. i have never re-updose so far during my taper.

 

I don't know. @Altostrata

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Altostrata
xyz
19 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

 

don't read those things now. in fact, read the success stories if you are going to be here reading. and don't try to look to far ahead, now, either. when things are bad just concentrate on what's right in front of you. 

so sorry you got the flu! take care of yourself best you can. 

 

 

well it was posted in the success story section, wtf? seriously...

the thread is called "has anyone recovered from cold turkey". some who posted have TD. for life.

 

i up-dosed last night, no need to torture myself, i had the worst flu symptoms ever. had fever all night, i am doing much better now.

one of my friend tapered Klonopin in few months and paxil in few months with no problem, and she is doing awesome now. she asked me why i don;t just jump off from my current dosage. :(

 

i can't believe how sensitive i am with these drugs

 

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ChessieCat
6 minutes ago, xyz said:

the thread is called "has anyone recovered from cold turkey". some who posted have TD. for life.

 

If you are referring to a post made by Wiggleit please see:

 

3 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

That post is over 2 years old and I believe that WiggleIt has made much progress since then.  And this post.

 

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xyz
5 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

 

If you are referring to a post made by Wiggleit please see:

 

 

wow thank you ChessieCat! it made my day! she should update her signature.

replace  "4 years off, never fully healed"  with "4 years off, healing each day" kinda thing

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xyz

update:

so... i survived the flu. after the 2 days of fever, i had a week in intense coughing. never been so sick. next year, i will try the flu shot for sure.

my 2 young kids got it but they were not as sick, they had a flu shot.

despite this, i dragged myself to work everyday, except yesterday when i took a day off to rest at home without the kids. and ow my goodness that was awesome.

no need to pick up the toys every second, the house was quiet. i could follow a string of thought without being interrupted every 5 minutes.

i went to Michaels to get a set of fairy garden since they were on sale. very kitsch, someone would have told me that one day i would fall for these small decorative things, i wouldn't believe him.

but here i am, so grateful to have regain my health and life. i find myself enjoying looking a pretty things.

i felt really got yesterday. the calmest i have felt in a long time.

jeez, if this is recovery... i can't wait for more moment like this.

so grateful

 

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JackieDecides
4 hours ago, xyz said:

here i am, so grateful to have regain my health and life. i find myself enjoying looking a pretty things.

i felt really got yesterday. the calmest i have felt in a long time.

jeez, if this is recovery... i can't wait for more moment like this.

an excellent report, I am glad for you. 

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bubbles

I have had a flu, umm, three? times in my life. Yes, it is very unpleasant, and I'm glad to hear that you're feeling much better now!

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Carmie

How lovely to hear that you’ve felt so calm xyz, 

 

Yes, we won’t know ourselves when we are fully recovered. By the way, I bought a weighted blanket and I love it! Hope you’re enjoying yours too.💚

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xyz
On 2/13/2019 at 7:14 PM, Carmie said:

How lovely to hear that you’ve felt so calm xyz, 

 

Yes, we won’t know ourselves when we are fully recovered. By the way, I bought a weighted blanket and I love it! Hope you’re enjoying yours too.💚

Yes, I love mine. Sleep has been good with it!

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xyz

Update:

I Feel great. I have been feeling good for the past few days.

The cough is finally gone.

I resumed my taper last week.

I resumed my running this morning.

today is eye issue but it is usually on and off, and goes hand in hand with dizziness. I am not too concerned about it. 

I am enjoying this while it lasts, until my cuts catch up with me. Maybe in a couple of weeks...

 

I noticed that I am less eager to reach zero, and that I have more exciting plans in my head than tapering my meds.

Strange how the mind works...

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Carmie

Glad to hear that your main focus isn’t the tapering xyz, 

 

It’s nice when we can focus on things other than the withdrawal journey. Enjoy your exciting plans. 💚

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