xyz: Lexapro, my intro

[xyz]

On 2/22/2019 at 4:53 PM, Carmie said:

Glad to hear that your main focus isn’t the tapering xyz, 

 

It’s nice when we can focus on things other than the withdrawal journey. Enjoy your exciting plans. 💚

 

thanks Carmie!

 

update:

after a few night of difficult sleep (not bad, but maybe 6 hours or so) when i thought i had to hold again, my sleep got better last night. 8.5 hours.

my mind is much clearer today. the cogfog was on and off with eye issues few days ago.

i resumed my meditation practice last week and found it amazingly easy. was able to sit 30min right away.

i added lift weight to my work out and found that my recovery time was much longer, might take it easy for a bit before making it my daily routine.

i have been less hyper and less motivated with work, so more time to reflect on more important question such as "where do i want to go from here?"

tapering my meds was in my mind for the last 3 years. i was obsessive about it but now it leave a big empty space since i know that i will be off them this year.

same existential questions that gave me anxiety pre-med. 

i think i will have to dwell on them for a while.

i have noticed that i have been mostly motivated in my life by the fear of disappointing, stemmed from childhood, hence the constant low grade anxiety.

how would it be like for me to do something that i Love without the fear of disappointing? why do i need constant approval?

 

 

 

 

 

[JackieDecides]

5 hours ago, xyz said:

same existential questions that gave me anxiety pre-med. 

 

I also have the same problems I did before being medicated...but now I am decades older! I have some chronic problems like high blood pressure and I'm poor with a lot less hope.

 

wait, I meant this to be more supportive. sorry! 

 

sometimes we can think about the big questions and sometimes all we can do is plod along, putting one foot in front of the other.  whatever you do, please constantly take note of what is better (more sleep! that's terrific!) so you can practice until it's a habit. be as grateful as you can, is what I am trying to do.

 

big hugs from Jackie! 

🤗

[xyz]

3 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

 

I also have the same problems I did before being medicated...but now I am decades older! I have some chronic problems like high blood pressure and I'm poor with a lot less hope.

 

wait, I meant this to be more supportive. sorry! 

 

sometimes we can think about the big questions and sometimes all we can do is plod along, putting one foot in front of the other.  whatever you do, please constantly take note of what is better (more sleep! that's terrific!) so you can practice until it's a habit. be as grateful as you can, is what I am trying to do.

 

big hugs from Jackie! 

🤗

thank Jacky for the wise words.

yes, i know, isn't that crazy how a year ago i thought my life was over and now i already take things for granted,

i tell ya, the mind always want more. it is part of our survival

[xyz]

Update

I have been doing well.

Had a couple of days of morning anxiety, dizziness,  and brain fog but they were not terrible. 

I got back to my meditation practice with the mindfulness of breathing. Been reading a book called "the mind illuminated " and felt really inspired to deepen my practice. 

I have never felt so grateful in my life like i have been lately. Everything has a taste of freedom and possibility.

My husband loves me deeply and I have 2 beautiful and smart kiddos who keep me silly and young. Tomorrow will be the beginning of a new work week but that is okay, strangely. 

I feel like this is a new chapter of my life. Who do I really want to be. How do I want experience my life from now on? Where do I want to put my attention?

[JackieDecides]

3 hours ago, xyz said:

I have never felt so grateful in my life like i have been lately. Everything has a taste of freedom and possibility.

 

that is so wonderful!! I'm glad things are going so well. 😍

[Carmie]

Hi xyz, 

 

Thanks for the update. I’m glad you’re doing so well. Yay!💚

[xyz]

On 3/3/2019 at 7:34 PM, JackieDecides said:

 

that is so wonderful!! I'm glad things are going so well. 😍

 

thanks Carmie and Jackie. i appreciate the encouragement in my thread.

 

i haven't posted in a while. was feeling relatively okay.

getting impatient again to jump off lexapro.

i should be done with it in 6 weeks or so.

 

i had a wave of sadness the other day and knew for sure that it was due to the taper.

some brain fog , eye issue, stomach pain and body vibration but thanks god no akathisia.

i had to go for a walk at noon just like the old days of withdrawal, but this time i wasn't panicking.

it lifted at 3pm on the clock as usual.

 

in a sense i was grateful for the sadness.

i have always had that prior to the meds. i would feel easily moved by situations.

when i push the feeling away, i get anxious and when i accept it with kindness, it is like an opening in the sky.

 

i keep thinking in my head "this is not about me. what can i give?" when unsecured thoughts come up.

but they have come in flood sometimes, just like the old days. except that now i think i am a bit wiser.

i don't want to go to that place of resistance. i am done with comparing, judging and worrying myself sick.

i am too old for this game.

 

my faith in buddhism has deepened. the teaching that "everything changes" resonates with me lately.

i have been interested in what has been studied on Consciousness and Experience by some reputable scientist.

i shall post a link on some mind blowing interview, hard to comprehend in withdrawal but it helps to put things in perspective when we look at our individual suffering.

the "Why me" gets diluted.

 

 

 

[JackieDecides]

6 hours ago, xyz said:

i would feel easily moved by situations.

 

I would like to think that being a "sensitive" person - as I know I am, and I see you are, and I'll bet we ALL are! - can turn out to be a good thing, once we are healthy enough to get our feet underneath us.

 

at least that is my hope. 

[xyz]

On 3/24/2019 at 10:18 AM, JackieDecides said:

 

I would like to think that being a "sensitive" person - as I know I am, and I see you are, and I'll bet we ALL are! - can turn out to be a good thing, once we are healthy enough to get our feet underneath us.

 

at least that is my hope. 

 

jackie

 

i am sure there are good things about it

like being able to feel deeply and having more compassion...

 

 

[xyz]

update:

i just came out from a week long flu infection.

it was terrible.

worse than the last one. then my whole family got sick
 

there is worse thing than Med withdrawal, there is med withdrawal with the flu

The panic attacks came back for a few days, i was worried that i set myself back.

i had something that i thought was DPR but it turned out that it was just light-headedness.

then it got slowly better.

i am still really fragile though.

 

the good news is that i got to sleep and sleep and sleep for 3 straight days. and cut down on my caffeine intake.

i am not afraid of toxic nap anymore

 

 

[JackieDecides]

4 hours ago, xyz said:

then it got slowly better.

i am still really fragile though.

 

 

just keep on, keeping on!!  🤗  <  hugs! 

[Altostrata]

8 hours ago, xyz said:

it is hard to make someone hold when one instill FEAR in that person for being on the meds? don't you think so?

 

the inability to take a deep breath is also a symptoms of withdrawal. google mirtazapin withdrawal (i had that), google valium withdrawal (i had that)

it is often coupled with heart palpitations.

 

when you see Tanha med history, doesn't it ring a bell to you that Tanha has been cutting too fast?

 

when i first came here,. people told me that i had paradoxical reaction by taking lexapro and valium at the same time.

so i panicked and kept cutting until i become suicidal (i cut my valium in half). one day i realized that it was all BS and that if i wanted to live i better stabilize, so i stop posting here for few months.

 

i am not the type to make wave, but i have children, and when i see unnecessary suffering i speak up.

what you are doing is very dangerous.

 

this is my last post on this website.

 

 

 

 

 

I just want to make sure you and everyone following your Intro topic see this reply from Shep (emphasis is mine):
 

Quote

8 hours ago, xyz said:

it is hard to make someone hold when one instill FEAR in that person for being on the meds? don't you think so?

 

Many people fear these drugs when they find out that they are trapped on them and need to either hold or do a slow taper.

 

We can't avoid that conversation. 

 

 

8 hours ago, xyz said:

when you see Tanha med history, doesn't it ring a bell to you that Tanha has been cutting too fast?

 

Yes, we've mentioned that again and again. She's made many drug changes that are problematic and when she posts about it, we've responded accordingly.

 

8 hours ago, xyz said:

when i first came here,. people told me that i had paradoxical reaction by taking lexapro and valium at the same time.

so i panicked and kept cutting until i become suicidal (i cut my valium in half). one day i realized that it was all BS and that if i wanted to live i better stabilize, so i stop posting here for few months.

 

Please link me to a post where we told you you were having a paradoxical reaction to lexapro and valium. I searched both your benzo and your main intro thread for the word "paradoxical" and the only person who stated this was you in your opening post. And you said you got that information off another website, benzobuddies:

 

On 1/18/2017 at 5:45 AM, xyz said:

i wonder how i can even lower my meds and i keep thinking that i have paradoxical effect on them. a term i kept reading on benzobuddies.

 

We suggested a slow your taper and to reduce the Lexapro first. You were interested in going slow, but wanted to taper both drugs at the same time. All we can do is provide information based on a "best practices" approach and members can choose if they wish to take the advice or not. 

 

I know we certainly didn't recommend cutting your valium in half. 

 

8 hours ago, xyz said:

i am not the type to make wave, but i have children, and when i see unnecessary suffering i speak up.

what you are doing is very dangerous.

 

this is my last post on this website.

 

What we're telling Tanha is not dangerous. Her drug combination is much different than yours - she's on three sedating drugs, which can cause paradoxical reactions, as well as over-sedation. You are on an antidepressant that many people find stimulating and a benzo that many people find sedating. That is a much, much different combination than being on an antipsychotic, benzo, and tetracyclic antidepressant. 

 

Also, you are much more self-sufficient than Tanha. You took the information and proceeded to taper while learning great non-drug coping skills without continually drawing the staff into a lot of drama. 

 

Tanha is continually in crisis states and calling out for help. So we are repeatedly telling her to hold and giving her information on why she feels the way she does because she keeps asking. I think it's the repetition of this that's causing you to think we are instilling fear in her because we keep having to say it over and over.

 

But again, the information is not dangerous, just repetitive. 

 

 

 

xyz, thank you for your concern about Tanha. We are all concerned about Tanha. We have spent a great deal of time with her. Our best guess is she's taking too much Seroquel with diazepam 4 times a day.

 

There may be no easy way for Tanha to resolve this.

 

Unfortunately, there is only so much concerned people on a Web site can do for someone who is in a bad situation with psychiatric drugs. If we knew exactly what would work, if we had a guaranteed solution for each person, we would be happy to share it. It's physicians who should be taking on this responsibility. If you know of any who will do this, please tell us!

 

We can make suggestions, but ultimately each individual has to make the decision about what to do. It may be best for you to leave this site. Thank you for your participation so far.

[puthappinessfirst]

XYZ, Just saw you are taking crucera! I just ordered a very similar supplement. 

 

Can I ask how it makes you feel/if you notice any tangible positives from it? 

 

xx

[xyz]

On 4/10/2019 at 7:45 PM, puthappinessfirst said:

XYZ, Just saw you are taking crucera! I just ordered a very similar supplement. 

 

Can I ask how it makes you feel/if you notice any tangible positives from it? 

 

xx

 

sorry, i just saw your post now.

it takes time to work. give it 6 weeks at least.

my periods are less painful, so are the symptoms. but i am not sure if that is simply because i passed the worse phase of withdrawal and peri.

i have been on it 2.5 years.

[xyz]

update:

i had the flu a month ago and it turned into a pneumonia so this put me in a 2 weeks wave that i thought brought me back to day one of withdrawal. it was pretty horrible to put it mildly.

once i started the antibiotics for the pneumonia, the coughing got a lot better and within a couple of days i was feeling okay.

my sleep has gotten a lot better after the flu. i slept 10 hours straight for a couple of weeks.

now that i have resumed my taper, it went back to 7 hours.

i had a period of depression after the illness that was scary but it lasted only a week.

i kept myself busy and reminded myself to make the best of the moment i have on earth.

 

my strength has diminished since the pneumonia and unfortunately work has been very busy and demanding (50 hours mandatory).

this with the kids, the house and the taper is a bit much.

but still grateful to be able to make money and treat myself with nice stuff.

 

i am getting very low on my lexapro dosage.

i think i will jump in 3 weeks at 0.06mg.

i have been steadily and slowly losing the weight i gained on lex .

my symptoms are manageable for the most part.

[JackieDecides]

sounds like a tough time but I'm glad you recovered from the pneumonia and hope you can continue to manage all you do (work sounds terrible!) 

[xyz]

I am now very low in my Lex dosage, maybe a drop of liquid. probably will take my last dose next week.

the intrusive thoughts are coming more frequently. it is like i had a tunnel vision on a full dose of Lex and now i can see 360 degree. So i find myself easily overwhelmed.

work has been stressful. looking for another job but maybe i should hold off until i am completely off med which hopefully would be sometimes this fall.

otherwise symptoms are manageable, sleep are on and off with the kids.

[JackieDecides]

On 5/12/2019 at 4:56 AM, xyz said:

looking for another job but maybe i should hold off until i am completely off med which hopefully would be sometimes this fall.

 

I wouldn't tell you what to do for sure, but let me share with you my experience. Last summer when I went completely off Lexapro I could barely work - I had a very part time job and luckily I could take as long as I needed to with it. And since last July I have looked for and gotten 2 full time jobs (both of which I could do but barely). 

Now I am relocated to a new city and am looking for a new job and it's still very hard. The job was stressful and everything I have to do for a job hunt both now & last year takes so much longer than normal.

 

I guess my best advice is to realize it's not going to get easier any time soon. 

[xyz]

2 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

 

I wouldn't tell you what to do for sure, but let me share with you my experience. Last summer when I went completely off Lexapro I could barely work - I had a very part time job and luckily I could take as long as I needed to with it. And since last July I have looked for and gotten 2 full time jobs (both of which I could do but barely). 

Now I am relocated to a new city and am looking for a new job and it's still very hard. The job was stressful and everything I have to do for a job hunt both now & last year takes so much longer than normal.

 

I guess my best advice is to realize it's not going to get easier any time soon. 

 

Jackie

are you saying that changing job wouldn't help? that it is not about the job?

[JackieDecides]

50 minutes ago, xyz said:

are you saying that changing job wouldn't help? that it is not about the job?

 

no, I am saying that looking for a new job might be as hard after you are no longer taking Lexapro as it would be now. At least you should be ready for that possibility. 

 

don't let anything I say keep you from job hunting anytime! just be aware it might not get easier, at least right away. 

 

but you might have a completely different experience than I am having: I don't have family or other support and don't have any "normal" to return to. I'd like to hope that in a year from now I could do another job hunt and it would be fine, it's just that I'm struggling now.

 

in fact, I am struggling enough so that I maybe should stop giving advice!  😋

[xyz]

2 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

 

no, I am saying that looking for a new job might be as hard after you are no longer taking Lexapro as it would be now. At least you should be ready for that possibility. 

 

don't let anything I say keep you from job hunting anytime! just be aware it might not get easier, at least right away. 

 

but you might have a completely different experience than I am having: I don't have family or other support and don't have any "normal" to return to. I'd like to hope that in a year from now I could do another job hunt and it would be fine, it's just that I'm struggling now.

 

in fact, I am struggling enough so that I maybe should stop giving advice!  😋

 

i appreciate all your imput Jackie.

i am not afraid of job hunting, it is just the fatigue of working so much at my current job at my age with a family.

starting a new job, in a new setting, with new people sound exhausting as well.

when i was on a full dose of lex, i 'd wake up in the middle of the night and repaint my dining room, or clean the house, take on more task and responsibilities.

people who visited us, wondered how i did it all.

now i am just normal i think.

issues that i didn't care about, now, start to bother me...

 

is it just withdrawal, or a more sensible me?

who knows...

[KristinaD]

Hi. I am brand new to this forum and haven’t been able to read your whole story yet or to even really figure out how the website works. 

 

So so I can’t give any helpful advice st present. I just wanted to mention how terribly powerful the benzodiazepines  are. 

 

I stsrted taking Halvion, a sleeping pill that is similar to benzos that is no longer around. 

 

It was was really helpful. But then after taking it fur about 3-4 weeks I went on vacation and went home to my family. I’m glad I had nothing in particular planned because I went off the drug and didn’t sleep fir the entire week!!!!

 

i went back to work and had to go back on it to function but cut the pills in half and within maybe 3 weeks I was able to get off it. 

 

I also had had an episode when I called my ductir and talked about  suicide which I didn’t remember. And a couple of times I woke up with bizarre food in bed with me. 

 

I have never ever forgotten that entire week without sleep. It was so difficult. 

[ChessieCat]

Hi Kristina and welcome to SA,

 

Please start an Introduction topic so we can answer your questions and provide you with information.

 

introductions-and-updates

 

Edited May 14, 2019 by ChessieCat

[xyz]

6 hours ago, KristinaD said:

Hi. I am brand new to this forum and haven’t been able to read your whole story yet or to even really figure out how the website works. 

 

So so I can’t give any helpful advice st present. I just wanted to mention how terribly powerful the benzodiazepines  are. 

 

I stsrted taking Halvion, a sleeping pill that is similar to benzos that is no longer around. 

 

It was was really helpful. But then after taking it fur about 3-4 weeks I went on vacation and went home to my family. I’m glad I had nothing in particular planned because I went off the drug and didn’t sleep fir the entire week!!!!

 

i went back to work and had to go back on it to function but cut the pills in half and within maybe 3 weeks I was able to get off it. 

 

I also had had an episode when I called my ductir and talked about  suicide which I didn’t remember. And a couple of times I woke up with bizarre food in bed with me. 

 

I have never ever forgotten that entire week without sleep. It was so difficult. 

 

hummm... can you tell me anything that i don't already know?

 

i have been tapering for 3 years you know... i know all about the nightmare of benzo.

but it is getting better and better as i am getting closer to zero

 

[RichT]

XYZ,

 

good luck in coming off the lexapro entirely next week! I hope it goes well. 

 

R

[xyz]

11 hours ago, RichT said:

XYZ,

 

good luck in coming off the lexapro entirely next week! I hope it goes well. 

 

R

 

Thanks Rich,

i appreciate the encouragement.

so far the Valium taper has been more problematic than the lex. but we shall see...

[xyz]

 

i took my last dose of Lexapro yesterday at 0.05mg!

finally!

 

1 year on 10mg

1 year to taper down to 2.4 mg

1 year to taper down to 0mg

 

i still have 4 and a half bottles left. I don't know what to do with them.

the pharmacy won't take back liquid meds, i don;t want to dump them in the drain that would go directly in the nature

i might mix them with clay and make a sculpture.

 

my mood is really good.

i had a moment of deep happiness yesterday out of nowhere.

i am putting together my portfolio and resume for a job hunting. i have some leads.

although my boss seems to be determined to want to keep me. i had a good discussion with him yesterday and it felt good to express my frustration.

 

i still have a bit of valium left to taper. with experience now, i know that under 0.1mg, the drug won't have much effect.

so i feel better to know that i only have 0.2mg of hard taper of valium left. the valium has been very difficult to reduce.

 

namaste!

 

[JackieDecides]

4 minutes ago, xyz said:

i took my last dose of Lexapro yesterday at 0.05mg!

 

 

congratulations!

 

  (coming up at the end of this month is my one year anniversary of my last dose.)

[xyz]

On 5/18/2019 at 7:54 AM, JackieDecides said:

 

congratulations!

 

  (coming up at the end of this month is my one year anniversary of my last dose.)

 

happy anniversary Jackie.

i hope that you are feeling better and better overall.

 

i still have the valium to taper, hugh!

dreading each cut.

[xyz]

update:

well,  day  6 after my last dose.

sleep has been challenging and ow my goodness, this crushing fatigue and feeling of emptiness is back again. but i am pmsing so maybe it will go away soon.

i have an interview for a job. i am wondering if changing work is the right move right now. everything seems to require too much effort.

either way, i will be fine. i think this is what this withdrawal experience has taught me...

[JackieDecides]

3 hours ago, xyz said:

sleep has been challenging and ow my goodness, this crushing fatigue and feeling of emptiness is back again. but i am pmsing so maybe it will go away soon.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. 

 

and if you go to the job interview and they offer it, you don't have to take it. and by then you might well be feeling well enough to make a good decision. so give yourself that time if right now the decision feels too hard. 

[xyz]

10 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

 

I'm sorry to hear that. 

 

and if you go to the job interview and they offer it, you don't have to take it. and by then you might well be feeling well enough to make a good decision. so give yourself that time if right now the decision feels too hard. 

 

thank you Jackie for the wise advise, i will take it to heart.

[xyz]

update:

day 10 after my last dose and i have been sleeping 7.5 hours for 3 days in a row.

i haven't cut my valium in 10 days so that might be why.

dreams have come back but the stories have changed, a lot of situation where i help people, not situation where i run away.

 

mood is really good. 

i am mean really good.

my mind is really clear.

i feel a lot more emotional about issues that matters to me without being overwhelmed thanks to more sleep.

i keep thinking about my work situation and keep thinking that moving on might be a good decision.

 

we started to take on the design of large scale cannabis grow and distribution facilities and i don;t feel good about that.

and we have also been working 50 hours a week for a few months now. there has been a lot of greed in the industry since its legalization in our state.

there is a lot of profit that can be made by people of all trades.

it might sound naive, but i want to be proud of my work in 20 years when i will look back . did i make the world better?

 

by writing this i realize that i went from suffering akathisia 3 years ago to a place now where i can ask myself what would be the best action to take to help the world...

amazing how the CNS can heal itself.

 

[JackieDecides]

2 hours ago, xyz said:

and we have also been working 50 hours a week for a few months now.

 

that sounds very hard, I Hope you can continue to take care of yourself during this time. 

[JackieDecides]

3 hours ago, xyz said:

keep thinking about my work situation and keep thinking that moving on might be a good decision.

 

 

working during WD (and in my case past it) is SO hard and so is looking for work. I hope you can find what you need. 

[xyz]

On 5/27/2019 at 8:52 AM, JackieDecides said:

 

working during WD (and in my case past it) is SO hard and so is looking for work. I hope you can find what you need. 

 

thanks Jackie.

i agree that working and looking for work while in W is not easy.

i went to my interview and it didn't go as planned. i had a heavy cog fog that day and it was at the end of the day and I was really tired, so i probably didn't give a good impression.

i have a headache and have been feeling dizzy for the last 3 days. my vision is also blurred and i feel really tired.

 

i hope this will lift soon.

today is 2 weeks since my last dose of lex. sleep is problematic again.